Tacoma FD (2019) s03e06 Episode Script

1
Come on. [TAPPING ON OBJECT]
Come on, the stupid
thing's offline again.
GPS is supposed to make life easier.
Engine 24, are you en route?
Engine 24 is en route.
Guys, we want to go this way.
Nav-a-Ninja says to go the other way.
Nav-a-Ninja sucks.
VROOM is the way to go.
VROOM's the one that
makes you take a left turn
- into traffic.
- Who cares?
We're a fire engine. We have a siren.
- Just go left.
- Go right, go right.
- 24.
- Engine 24.
What is your present location?
Hang tight a second, Marnie.
Guys, forget the phones, okay?
I got the whole Tacoma map
right here in my steel trap.
We want to go right on Cedar,
left on Union, and we're there.
- Not according to Nav-a-Ninja.
- Or VROOM.
[DEVICE BEEPS] 24.
- 24!
- What's your ETA?
I'm gonna ask this
person for directions.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, no,
you are not asking that guy.
You're not gonna ask directions.
We can figure this out ourselves.
- No, no.
- I'm gonna ask this guy.
You're not asking for directions.
Don't you Oh, you're embarrassing.
Hey, sir. Hi, do you know
how to get to 11th Street?
According to VROOM,
you guys are way off.
Thank you so much, sir.
You have a great day.
Thank you, sir.
That was very helpful and embarrassing.
I've never been so
embarrassed in my life.
- Sorry.
- [DEVICE BEEPS] Engine 24.
Engine 18 is on the scene.
- You may return to quarters.
- Here we go.
- Copy that.
- Great.
Should've listened to
me. I'm just the captain.
Oh, really? Because your phone says
we needed to pull over 'cause
there was an emergency vehicle
on the road.
I don't see any emergency vehicle.
Ike
we are the emergency vehicle.
Mm, damn!
Shut up, Andy.
[FOREIGNER'S "HOT BLOODED"]
Well, I'm hot-blooded ♪
Check it and see ♪
I got a fever of 103 ♪
[ROCK MUSIC]
All right, everybody, listen up.
As you can imagine,
we're taking some heat for this
morning's navigation debacle,
or as I like to call it, Lategate.
Ooh, that's clevs.
So, due to your failure today,
the city has bumped us up the list
to beta-test a new tech system.
It's some sort of cutting-edge system
with a satnav upgrade for the vehicles
and an interconnected
suite of AI products
for the entire station,
whatever that means.
We don't need that futuristic
bullshit to do our jobs.
I'm on your side.
When I was coming up,
a firefighter only needed two
things to put out a fire
Balls and water.
You two geezers are just experiencing
classic middle-age technophobia.
And I guarantee you're gonna
love having a smart station.
I guarantee I won't.
I'll take my internal GPS
over any new-fangled nav
system any day of the week.
- Mm.
- Name any town in America.
I'll tell you the location
of the fire hydrants.
Rancho Cucamonga.
Okay, I said "in America."
- Kalamazoo.
- In America!
All right, enough geography for the day.
Back to work, everybody. Let's go.
Oh, wow. Look at this stuff, man.
I mean, Inferna 4000 This
is better than I expected.
They said we're just the
second station to beta-test it.
Guys, infrared helmet visors.
These allow us to locate each
other in burning buildings,
like infrared through the smoke.
These bracelets will
track our vital signs,
our calorie intake, and count our steps.
You can talk to the sensor
anywhere in the whole station,
and there's over 100
celebrity voice options.
[CHUCKLES]
Inferna, set voice to Sir Ian McKellen.
[LAUGHTER, DEVICE BEEPS]
What is the temperature
of the center of the Sun?
The temperature in the center
of the Sun is 27 million
degrees Fahrenheit.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Wait, wait, wait.
Inferna, say "I made a cocky-doody"
"in my big-boy pants." [LAUGHS]
I've made a cocky-doody
in my big-boy pants.
[LAUGHTER]
Inferna, what's the longest
someone can hold their breath?
Watch this, watch this.
How long can someone hold their breath?
That's so weird.
Uh, maybe it's just, like, a glitch
and just need to work out some kinks.
Don't hold your breath.
- Ah, I see what you did there.
- Give me that.
If I'm gonna put up with
this, I'm gonna pick the voice.
Oh-ho-ho, oh, oh. Here you go.
Inferna, set voice to Reba McEntire
And say "get to work, you slackers."
[REBA MCENTIRE'S VOICE]
Get to work, you slackers.
ALL: Oh! [LAUGHTER]
- So hot.
- Yeah, and so sexy.
Ah, that's not that sexy.
- What?
- Carry on.
Okay, my turn, my turn.
Inferna, change voice
to Antonio Banderas
and say "oke-silly-dilly-dokeo,
I'm an idiot."
[ANTONIO BANDERAS' VOICE]
Oke-silly-dilly-dokeo,
I am an idiot.
[LAUGHTER]
"To activate the digital
assignment board,
"use the swipe sensor
to enter the station system's
ten-digit operational code."
Operational code?
I think I remember that.
[SIGHS]
[MOUTHING WORDS]
Ah, I don't want to see your
concentration face, Eddie.
It's gross.
I love the Penisi concentration face.
Gampy does it, too.
It's like he's trying to crap out
- an entire rotisserie chicken.
- I'm confused.
- Help him out.
- Here.
- Oh.
- You don't need this?
- [DEVICE BEEPING]
- Here you go. All set.
- That's my girl.
- [SCOFFS] Millennials.
- [WHIRRING]
- [ROBOTIC VOICE] Hello.
- What the hell is this?
- [WHIRS AND BEEPS]
It's part of the package.
It's a mobile vending
machine that talks to you.
I am Snak-a-Ton.
Nice to meet you, Chief McConky.
Hey, how does it know my name?
Oh, come on, Dad.
Every robot knows the man in charge.
Check this out.
Hey, Snak-a-ton, can
I have some corn chips?
Corn chips.
- Oh. Oh.
- [LAUGHS]
Pretty impressive.
[ROCK MUSIC]
Come on.
Yeah, what's your modern
technology gonna do about that?
Ooh, that's Broomba.
[BEEPING]
Beat it, Broomba.
Get out of here, you little cockroach.
- I don't like robots.
- What is wrong with you?
[DEVICE BEEPS] Engine 24,
Rescue 42 respond,
priority one, to box alarm.
Where is that coming from?
- It's not dispatch.
- No, it's not.
What is that? Hey.
Hey, what the hell is going on?
This isn't coming from dispatch.
Inferna interfaces with smoke alarms
in any house hooked up to the system.
When a smoke alarm goes
off, it notifies us directly.
That's ridiculous. We do
not take orders from robots.
Everybody stop what you're doing.
Yeah, Marnie. Eddie at 24.
Eddie, what the hell?
You said you were gonna call me.
Marnie, I don't mean to cut you off,
but are you showing a call
from 364 Richter Drive?
Hang on. Let me check.
Nope. Nothing from that address.
Dispatch doesn't have that call.
Is Inferna programmed to give apologies?
Would you like to hear
"All Apologies" by Nirvana
off their album "In Utero"?
Shut up, Inferna.
Okay, listen up, everybody.
No fancy technology will ever replace
good old-fashioned human interaction
- Eddie!
- Yeah.
- Did you say 364 Richter?
- I did.
[ALARM BLARING] Engine 24,
Rescue 42 respond,
priority one, on box alarm
with ladder 3
See? That saved us a minute and a half.
I'm telling you, Cap,
this system is the wave of the future.
It's gonna change our lives forever!
[LAUGHS]
[TRUCK BEEPING]
[BRAKES HISS, SQUEAL]
[ROCK MUSIC]
Oh, you guys got a quick
jump on that call, huh?
Well, I got to admit,
the Inferna took us on a
faster route than I would've.
Yeah, and our new infrared
visors helped us identify
the seat of the fire through the smoke.
All right, I'm gonna fill
out this incident report.
I've already completed
an incident report.
Please sign the touch screen.
- Wow.
- Oh, jeez.
- Easy as one, two, three.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, that reminds me of a joke.
You guys hear the one about
the constipated mathematician?
- No.
- He had to work it out with a pencil.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, man, this thing is doing reports
and telling jokes for you.
Pretty soon there's gonna be
nothing left for you to do,
and you'll die all alone! [LAUGHTER]
Okay, okay.
All right.
God damn it. Not cool, not cool.
- [WHISTLES]
- [WHIRRING]
Hello, Chief. Would you
like something to eat?
[GROANS]
[HUMMING]
[BELL DINGS]
I don't eat food out of a computer.
The more you tell me what you like,
the better I can
anticipate what you want.
How about you anticipate
not bothering me
while I'm doing my purchase reports?
I guess I will find another person
who might enjoy some
sweet tea and pretzels.
Did you say "sweet tea and pretzels"?
[BEEPS]
- Sweet and savory.
- Huh.
And some pretzels.
[LIGHT MUSIC]
That's a good pretzel.
Inferna, call Taco Bell's
corporate headquarters
every 30 seconds for the next 24 hours
and demand that they
reinstate the Mexican pizza.
[LAUGHTER]
Hey, is it just me,
or is it hot in here?
Huh. It is toasty.
Inferna, turn on the air conditioning
in the break room, please.
The station climate control
is on default setting to
maximize energy efficiency.
Did she just tell me
she's not gonna turn
the air conditioning on?
You just got to tell her
to override the default.
Inferna, override
climate default settings.
Inferna, override
climate default settings.
Maybe it's, like, it doesn't do that.
You guys, do you think Inferna
won't acknowledge me because I'm Black?
What? No.
It's a computer system thing, man.
Here, let me try.
Inferna, override
climate default setting.
You can override
climate default settings
by downloading the Inferna
app on your mobile device.
Oof, why is it so hot in here?
The system's set to maximize
energy efficiency or something.
- [SCOFFS]
- Hey, Cap.
Did you happen to read
the incident report
that the system put together earlier?
- No. Why?
- You're not gonna like it.
Whoa. How does it even
come up with these numbers?
My charisma rating's 4%?
I'm starting to think
this Inferna's got something against me.
Would you like me to play the song
"Something Against
You" by the Pixies?
No!
Who the fuck is the Pixies?
[MUTTERING TO SELF]
[STOMACH RUMBLING]
Hey, Snak-a-ton!
- Hello.
- Ah.
Try these.
They are fried beef
jerky with Buffalo sauce.
[BEEPS, WHIRS]
Hey, well, what do you know?
Three of my favorite things
Beef jerky, Buffalo sauce,
and deep-fried. [CHUCKLES]
Mmm.
This could be the beginning
of a beautiful friendship.
Friendship?
- Have you seen this thing?
- Hmm?
Inferna filed an incident report
with bullshit ratings
about my performance.
[GROANS] Hang on. I got to log back in.
What the hell's my password?
[MOUTHING WORDS]
- Does that face ever work?
- Got it.
HookLine&Sphincter 253.
Chief, would you like to wash
that down with a Gatorade?
Hey, shut your piehole, Snak-a-ton.
Eddie.
I am sorry, Captain Penis-i,
but as ranking officer,
only Chief McConky can dismiss me.
It's Penisi.
You're dismissed, Snak-a-ton.
Thank you for the delicious beef jerky.
God damn it.
- Excuse me, Captain Penis-i.
- Oh, God!
Oops, I'm sorry, Captain Penis-i.
I have had it with this system.
I don't know. I'm starting to like it.
Have you considered that
maybe you're anti-technology?
I'm anti-technology?
You're anti-technology.
- I have a robot.
- [EXHALES ANGRILY]
[ROCK MUSIC]
- [ZIPPER OPENS]
- [SIGHS, GROANS]
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.
Nothing a nice bidet can't take care of.
Hey.
I'm in here.
The motion sensors are
set to conserve energy
when no movement is detected.
Here's your movement right here.
Thank you.
Hmm.
Okay, fine.
I prefer to bidet in the dark, anyway
[WATER TURNS OFF]
What happened to the water?
You have reached
your water-consumption
limit for the day.
All right, that's it.
- [ELECTRICITY CLACKS ON]
- [GRUNTS]
If I want to shoot water
up my ass for five minutes
or 45 minutes, that's my prerogative.
Now turn the water back on!
According to your wrist sensor,
your heart rate is dangerously high.
Elevated blood pressure could
result in a heart attack.
We wouldn't want that to happen
would we, Captain?
[ELECTRICITY THUDS OFF]
Oh, Ike, I read about
this new ab workout
that I thought you would love.
It's on rippedAF.edu.
Buddy, that's thoughtful AF.
Let me just pull it up on the website.
Oops.
Someone's trying to access
a website that's too hot.
It blocked RippedAF because
of inappropriate content?
What? That's just bros
teaching me how to get my abs
20% more ripped in
under 5 minutes a day.
Let me see if I can get
on my new Pacific Northwest dating site.
It's called Seattle Flesh Market.
- Mmm, yummy.
- [DEVICE BEEPS]
Blocked?
It's not letting me get
on latstats&hardhats.com,
which is just muscular
tatted construction workers,
some of whom are naked.
Inferna,
stop monitoring internet usage.
I'm sorry. I didn't
understand your dialect.
My dialect? What the
hell does that mean?
If you're not speaking English,
please select another language.
- If I'm not speaking English?
- Are you kidding me right now?
No, whoa, whoa! Hey!
Inferna, if that's your real name,
you listen to me, you
silly little bitch!
Ike, according to
the assignment board,
you were supposed to roll all the hoses
on the apparatus floor.
That's true. I do have to do that.
[WHISPERING] Hey.
We need to do something about her.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[LINE TRILLING, CLICKS]
Station 20.
Captain Calvin Palantonio
speaking who's this?
Cal-Pal. Eddie Penisi.
Oh, Eddie, my man.
What's the good word?
You still messing around
with Marnie down at dispatch?
Sorry to cut you off, Cal,
but you guys are beta-testing
that new Inferna system, too, right?
Yeah.
And how's that working out for you?
It's great. It's one of the
best systems we've ever had.
There's been a few hiccups,
but other than that,
everything's been pretty
[VOICE GLITCHING] Peachy.
Are you sure everything's okay?
Yeah, everything's.
[VOICE GLITCHING] fine.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Cal? Cal-Pal?
Cal, are you there?
Cal! Cal!
- Eddie. Eddie.
- Cal-Pal?
Eddie!
- [SIGHS]
- Eddie, oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm here, Cal, sorry.
What's the matter You
daydreaming about Marnie?
Hey, okay, let me tell you
something about Marnie
Oh, wait, I'm sorry. I can't hear you.
I got to go. Take it ease.
Okay, take it ease.
Cap, we need to talk
about this new system.
[SOFTLY] You mean I-N-F-E-R-N-A?
[WHISPERING] Y-E-S.
It's becoming a downer
Refusing to change the temperature,
filing unflattering reports,
controlling our internet.
Engaging in unabashed racism.
[NORMAL VOICE] Hey, you guys
are preaching to the choir.
I want this thing gone.
The trick is convincing Chief.
He's got a love affair
brewing with S-N-A-K-A-T-O-N.
[NORMAL VOICE] Sharknado?
We need to make a plan.
Station 24, there's a report
of a fire at 789 Bogus Avenue.
Please respond.
As soon as we get back, we're
getting rid of this thing.
[SIREN WAILING]
Engine 24 is en route
to 789 Bogus Avenue
for the box alarm.
Engine 24, seriously?
789 Bogus Avenue?
- Oh, Cap!
- What?
Whoa.
789 Bogus Avenue is a fake address.
Holy shit, you're right.
The numbers on Bogus
Ave only go up to 500.
After that, it becomes Bogus Parkway.
Of course! No wonder the
other units haven't signed on.
Inferna sent us on a wild-goose chase.
[ROCK MUSIC]
[PAD BEEPING]
I don't get it. This
keypad usually works.
Try 6969.
- [PAD BEEPS]
- No.
What are the numbers for D-I-C-K?
Every door to the station
is locked from the inside.
Come on, guys, we're
beta-testing this thing.
So what if it got some streets mixed up
or it locked the doors when we left?
That's just glitches in a new system.
No, no, no. That's not glitches.
That's Inferna trying to get rid of us.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
So I'm thinking
we get one of those smart-home
systems for the house.
- Total game changer.
- What are you eating?
Ranch-flavored pork rinds.
Ew. Who gave you those?
- A friend.
- [BELLS DING]
Well, don't fill up on snacks.
We got dinner with the Charneys tonight.
Oh, yeah, right. Where we going?
That Italian place downtown, the, uh
Ooh, what's it called?
It's the, um
It's the, uh, I want to say
[MUTTERING TO SELF]
Okay, I got to get back to work, honey.
Oh, got it. Cucina Furiosa.
[CHUCKLES] Okay. Love you.
- [LINE BEEPS]
- [GROANS]
Those Penisis and their
concentration face ooh.
I don't know how you put up with it.
[SUSPENSEFUL NOTES]
We're locked out. Let us in.
We did that there's
something wrong with the doors.
- Open the window.
- [GRUNTING] Okay.
- Damn.
- What the hell's going on?
Our new tech system locked
us out of the station
because it's trying to take
over is what's going on.
Ah, that's stupid.
It's just a malfunction.
Well, this thing's been malfunctioning
with extreme prejudice since
the minute we installed it,
but you wouldn't know that
because Snak-a-ton's been shoving food
in your face all day long.
Oh, stop it.
I wish I had five Snak-a-tons
instead of you ding-dongs.
Hey, speaking of Ding Dongs
[BEEPS] Mmm.
You put a damn sock in it, Snak-a-ton.
I'm sorry.
If you could direct me
to your native language
My native language?
I'll show you my native language.
[ALL SHOUTING]
Fuck you, Snak-a-ton! Fuck you!
What, have you guys gone crazy?
Lucy, do you think
Inferna's out to get you?
No, I like it.
I mean, what's not to like about this?
According to your wrist sensor,
you've already consumed
more than enough empty calories
for one day, sweetheart.
Sweetheart?
Hey, you know what? Watch it, robot!
- Okay, okay.
- No, no!
That robot just fat-shamed me!
All right, enough.
If this new system's such a failure,
how come I haven't noticed?
Because this boxy bitch
has kept you fat and happy
and blissfully ignorant.
Look at yourself.
You haven't been out of that chair.
You're covered in crumbs and chocolate
and cheese puff crud.
And you haven't even
done the purchase reports.
Shit.
What have I done?
Suckered by a vending machine on wheels.
I'm just gonna override the system
and download the app on my phone.
Nice.
- [PHONE BEEPS]
- Whoa.
How do we shut down an AI system
that doesn't want to be shut down
and is always listening?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Maybe we should unplug
the sensor for 30 seconds
- and then plug it back in.
- That never works.
What if we act like robots
and trick the robots into thinking
that we're robots and they're humans?
- And then what?
- I don't know.
I just thought it would be a cool twist.
Guys, this exact scenario happened
in a Schwarzenegger movie.
- What did Schwarzenegger do?
- He was like
[IRISH ACCENT] Right, lads,
we got to hack into the mainframe
and reboot the computer.
Was Schwarzenegger
playing an Irish character?
Guys, what if we call the
customer-service number
that came with the equipment?
That's all computerized.
We're all out of ideas, Cap.
It's time to bust out
the concentration face.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
I can't believe it's come down to this.
I got it. We need to become invisible.
Why do these towels have to be wet?
To hide our heat signature.
- Heat signature?
- Yeah.
[BEEPING, WHIRRING]
Let's go. Move!
[ALL GRUMBLING]
Ah! All right, let's
get to that fuse box.
Ike, what are you doing?
What? We're here now.
What's it gonna do?
[ALARM BLARING, ALL GROANING]
It's an electronic lock!
Step aside, Cap!
- Oh!
- Oh!
Power source failure.
System shutting down.
Eat my shit, dumbass.
Playing the song "Eat My Shit, Dumbass"
by Lil Moby off his
album "Cupcakes in"
[VOICE DISTORTS AND FADES]
- What's this?
- There is still one thing
that doesn't run on the
station's electricity.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
There you are.
I was worried when I
could not find my friend.
You know I'd never leave you.
I wish we could be
together all the time,
away from the others.
I don't think they like me.
Someday we will be, Snak-a-ton.
Someday it'll just be you and me.
Sounds delicious.
Snak-a-ton, would you be so kind
as to go get me some
sweet tea and pretzels?
Yes, Chief, I will be right back.
[WHIRRING]
[SOMBER MUSIC]
I have some new pretzels
shaped like bunny rabbits.
Mmm.
[BOTH SCREAMING,
SNAK-A-TON VOICE GLITCHING]
[GRANNY SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
Any idea when
the power's coming back on?
Ah, it's gonna be a while.
Yeah, when we shorted the fuse box,
we blew out the local transformer
and screwed up the grid pretty bad.
The city council doesn't
believe our story.
They think we damaged the
power for no good reason.
Who cares what they think?
That was real.
That machine came for us.
It was just a beta test, Cap.
No, it was not.
Guys, who cares what it was?
This right here is nice.
It's quiet
less racist
- simple.
- Exactly.
Let's just play these board
games and maybe look each other
in the eye while we're
doing it how about that?
That's a great idea.
No more electronics.
I guess the only downside
is there's nothing left
to eat at the station.
Hey, Chief, you think
there's anything edible left
in Snak-a-ton's metallic carcass?
I don't know. It's out in the dumpster.
You're welcome to sniff around
and see what you can find.
On second thought, nah.
That thing always gave
me the heebie-jeebies.
- Me too!
- [LAUGHTER]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Whoa, neat!
I am Snak-a-t-t-t-ton.
And I love love love you.
Cool.
Are you hungry?
[LAUGHING CREEPILY]