Ted Lasso (2020) s03e06 Episode Script

1
[CROWD CHEERING]
[ANNOUNCER SPEAKING DUTCH]
[ANNOUNCER CONTINUES SPEAKING DUTCH]
[SIGHS] Man, we can't even get a goal
for an exhibition match.
Friendly.
Ain't nothing friendly
about what happened out here.
They call exhibition matches friendlies.
Man, this sport drives me nuts.
Ah, Rebecca. My apologies.
Now, you've come
all the way to Amsterdam,
and we at Ajax have
been such rude hosts.
[REBECCA] Marjolein,
you've been more than gracious.
- Oh. Mmm.
- Especially given the circumstances.
- [CROWD BOOING]
- [CHUCKLES]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
- There we are.
- [CROWD CHEERS]
["THREE LITTLE BIRDS" PLAYING]
Till next time.
Oh, thank you.
Truly was an honor to play here
at the Johan Croyff Arena.
Oh, no. The honor is ours completely.
But it is pronounced Johan Cruijff.
Oh. Still.
["THREE LITTLE BIRDS" CONTINUES PLAYING]
God, this song's depressing.
[GAGS]
[REPORTER,
IN DUTCH] Would you agree that
this has been
an extremely demoralizing result?
But, luckily our spirits
were already broken.
Y-Yeah. A-And so, Roy Kent,
don't you think Richmond's
objectively poor performance is, uh,
due to the fact that you're
nothing without Zava?
Who cares? It's a fucking friendly.
A friendly is a pretend match.
This is a pretend conversation.
You're a pretend person
with a pretend job.
And I'm having a really hard
time pretending to give a shit.
Wow.
Right. Um Jan
- [GASPS] Hi. Oh, thanks. [CHUCKLES]
- [WILL] Hi. Love the pink.
[JAN SPEAKING DUTCH]
Okay [SIGHS]
a night out in Amsterdam it is.
Let's make the best of it.
What's the plan?
Ooh, I'm spoken for, I'm afraid.
It's my first time in Amsterdam,
and I have a date with someone special
in the red-light district.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [REPORTER SPEAKING DUTCH]
[BOTH] Nah.
- Just you and me then, kid.
- [CHUCKLES] I'd love to
- Oh. That's a quick cancellation.
- How'd you know I was gonna cancel?
Because there's a certain note
in your vocal range
that you only ever hit when you're
being preemptively apologetic.
- Come on. Out with it.
- All right.
- Apparently
- Mmm.
tonight is the best
aurora borealis ever.
Like, it's the aurora
"boreal-iest." In Norway.
And Jack and her plane are waiting
for me at the airport right now.
Subtle.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [JAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
- And amazing. Go.
- [CHUCKLES]
- I promise I'll make it up to you.
- Yes, you will.
[GASPS] Oh! Great job, Jan.
Oh. [SPEAKS DUTCH]
And, Roy, thank you
again for doing this.
Oh, yeah. Anytime.
- I love you.
- I love you.
[SHUTTER CLICKS]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
- Where's she going?
- Somewhere that believes they deserve her.
- [MUTTERING]
- [TEAM CHATTERING]
- Ah, hey, there he is.
- [GRUMBLES]
- [CHUCKLES] Someone's in a mood.
- Yeah.
- Wait. Mmm.
- Actually
Mm-mmm. What do you think?
Think only you can get these guys out
of their pineapple percussions.
- Doldrums. Nice.
- [CLICKS TONGUE]
Yeah, I'm gonna say something.
Hey, fellas.
I'm about to say three words
no coach ever says unless
he dang well means it.
- "You're all shit."
- No.
- "Knowledge is power"?
- True, but no.
- "Live, laugh, love."
- [IMITATES BUZZER] No.
Correct answer is: "No curfew tonight."
- [ALL MURMURING] What?
- That's right.
I don't wanna see your pretty faces
until we get back on this bus
at what time, Coach?
10:00 a.m., baby!
You heard the man. 10:00 a.m.
[CHEERING, CHUCKLING]
All right, let's be careful out there.
Hill Street Blues.
Smart move, Coach.
Yeah. Well, you know, they need it.
Not as bad as you do.
[EXCLAIMS] No curfew in Amsterdam, boys!
Should we all take naps
so we can stay up later?
No. We push through,
and we all meet
in the lobby five o'clock sharp.
Yeah!
Tonight is gonna be mad, you know!
[LAUGHS]
Not for you, Tartt!
- [JAMIE] Eh?
- Let's go.
[JAMIE] You serious?
You're not on fucking holiday
from training.
[STAMMERS, SCOFFS] What about my stuff?
Right.
Throw this away, please.
[ROY] Let's go!
Great. Sick. You have fun.
Gonna see the sights.
Training. Amsterdam.
- Don't actually throw that away, yeah?
- O-Okay.
[JAMIE] Hey. Wait up, Coach!
Getting off the coach, Coach.
Run!
- [CLAMORING]
- [CHEERING]
This is gonna be so good.
Hey. How about you roll with me tonight?
That'd be wonderful.
Thank you. [CHUCKLES]
Yeah. Great. Our first
stop: the red-light district.
[INHALES DEEPLY, STAMMERS]
[SNIFFS]
[SCATTING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
Did you know Amsterdam's origins
date back to the 13th century?
[GRUNTS]
That's mad, innit?
Oh, Coach, this way.
[GRUNTS]
[CHUCKLES]
This is the world-famous Skinny Bridge!
- [LAUGHS]
- [PANTING] Yeah?
As seen in major motion picture,
James Bond's Diamonds Are Forever.
[PANTS] Stop with all the fucking
sightseeing shit, you twat.
Right. Next stop,
Amsterdam's thinnest house.
It's gonna blow your mind, lad.
Come on. Get moving, lad.
- Whoo!
- [PANTING, GROANS]
- [BICYCLE BELL RINGS]
- Ooh. Whoa, whoa.
[CELL PHONE BUZZES]
- Hello.
- [SASSY] Stinky, what's wrong?
- [CHUCKLES] Nothing. Why?
- [CYCLIST SPEAKS DUTCH]
- [SASSY] Bullshit!
- Ooh.
I felt warm in my belly,
so there must be a problem.
- [SCOFFS]
- Out with it.
Sass, you know,
you're actually wrong this time.
- Uh, I am never wrong.
- [BICYCLE BELL RINGS]
- [EXCLAIMING] Jesus.
- [SPEAKS DUTCH]
- [SPEAKS DUTCH]
- What are all those bells?
Are you in a casino?
No. [CHUCKLES] I'm actually just out
having a stroll in Amsterdam on my own.
[SPEAKS DUTCH]
I haven't even got my bag with me.
[SPEAKS DUTCH]
Amsterdam. I forgot. Ugh, jealous.
- Well, eat a space cake for me
- [LAUGHS]
- and call me when you freak out.
- I love you.
[SASSY] Buh-buh-bye.
[PERSON WHISTLES]
[WHISTLES]
- Yeah.
- Yes?
I saw you walking just there,
and I thought,
"I have to say something
to this beautiful woman."
- Right. What What exactly were you
- [CYCLIST 3 SHOUTS]
- [SPEAKS DUTCH]
- Oh, my God. Oh, my! Oh! Go [SCREAMS]
[PERSON] Shit.
[SCREAMS, GASPS]
[BLOWS] Oh, my God!
Are you hurt?
No, no, no. I'm ok I'm okay.
- [SHIVERS, GRUNTS] It's just very cold.
- Come on.
Sorry, um, did you see
where my phone went?
- [CHUCKLES] Who cares? You're alive. Come on.
- [GRUNTS]
Yeah. Yes. Okay.
It's my phone, so [GRUNTING]
[SPEAKS DUTCH]
Come. You need to get warm.
Um, what
What is it that you wanted to tell me?
[REBECCA BREATHING HEAVILY]
You're walking on the bike lane.
I mean, how the fuck am
I supposed to know that?
Stupid fucking place.
- [CHUCKLES] Come on.
- [GROANS]
[COACH BEARD] Like, remember when Jordan
wouldn't wear Reebok
in the '92 Olympics?
Of course.
[COACH BEARD] '74 World Cup,
Cruyff refuses to wear Adidas,
they gotta make him
a special two-striped shirt.
- He was a badass.
- [TED] Hmm.
[COACH BEARD]
But he was also a paragon of the '60s,
so he was bigger than Jordan, really.
He was like Jordan
and John Lennon combined.
Oh. That's cool.
- You pick a place to eat yet?
- Oh, shoot. No, I forgot.
- [GROANS]
- On it.
Um. Let's see.
Oh. Hey! This could be good.
Yankee Doodle Burger Barn.
"An authentic American dining experience
with American-sized portions."
You know, I could definitely go
for a little taste of home.
- How's that sound, Coach?
- What's it rated?
- Uh, 2.7.
- [GROANS]
[STAMMERS] Out of five.
Think we can beat that.
[GROANS] All right. [STAMMERS]
Mmm.
I don't know what's going
on with me, Coach.
It's like I'm feeling stuck
or something, you know?
I-I need to do something
to help me get me out of my head.
Like get punched in the face or, uh,
drink a couple of bottles of red wine
and yell at my mom.
[SCOFFS] You know, just
I wanna try something new.
Help me get inspired.
I've been waiting for you
to say those words for a very long time.
[TOOTHBRUSH VIBRATES]
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
We should have took a train
to Paris a long time ago.
Would any of you gentlemen care
for some drinks?
Uh, Leffe Blond.
- I'll have a beer and a shot of te
- No!
We're about to head out, but thank you.
No worries.
[SAM] Hmm, okay. Yeah. That's everyone.
So, what's the plan for
the night then, Captain?
I'm taking all your suggestions.
For me, the best option for a night
in Amsterdam is a train to Paris.
[LAUGHING, MUTTERING]
I told you I'm gonna
say it again. I am not kidding.
Oh, you know,
my my father actually suggested
we take a boat tour through the canal.
- Yeah. Great way to see the city.
- [BUMBERCATCH] We're near The Hague.
We can go
to the International Court of Justice.
Poke around. Ask some questions.
I would like to see a tulip.
- You mean tulip fields?
- No, no, no. Just one tulip.
An entire field
will be incredibly overwhelming.
[CHUCKLES] W-Wait, wait.
[STAMMERS] Y'all are joking, right?
We-We gotta go to a live sex show.
Oh, very cultural, Thierry.
Yo, Trent! What should we do?
Ooh. Well, the city
has a wonderful museum culture.
In fact, tonight is what's known
as Museumnacht,
- where they stay open till quite late.
- [TEAM] Mmm.
- [TEAM MUMBLING]
- Oh.
I didn't come to Amsterdam
to learn things.
- Yeah.
- [MURMURING]
- Sorry, Trent.
- Great shot though.
I don't know. The city does seem lovely,
but maybe it would just be easier
if all of us stayed in
and enjoyed a nice team movie night.
[LAUGHING]
Sam, come on.
Hey, boys. Have fun tonight.
Higgins. W-Where you going?
Ah. Tonight's the night young
William here becomes a man.
Cheers.
[STAMMERS]
[ALL] Nah.
Jan Maas, we're on your home turf.
What you got for us?
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah. Good point. Let's go.
Okay, tourists, thank you
for getting all those
terrible ideas out of the way.
Now listen, my cousin,
Martin Garrix, is deejaying
- at a private all-night party.
- I guess it's his cousin.
We're talking drinking,
dancing and women into the morning,
which is when they'll be serving
a hearty breakfast.
[CHEERING, CHUCKLING] Whoo.
Hey, guys, I'm sorry. Sorry.
I think I need to bow out.
Yeah. I ate some
pickled herring earlier,
and now my stomach's bothering me.
[PLAYERS GROAN]
- You're gonna miss the live sex show, bro.
- You mean the party.
I cannot wait
to hear all the dirty details.
- [SAM LAUGHS]
- Good luck, gents.
- See you later.
- [COLIN] All right.
All right, broski.
[SAM] Hydrate!
Right. [SIGHS]
So it seems like this private
party is the obvious answer?
- Yep.
- Okay, great.
We just gotta take the bus to Groningen,
which is only a two-hour drive.
- Two hours?
- [JAN] It breezes over.
- Eh. Two.
- You will love it.
Hey, hey, hey, amigos.
Why don't we just split up?
- [PLAYERS CHATTERING]
- [DANI] The tulips with me!
No! Overruled.
We pick one place, and we go as a team.
Excuse me. I think we're
gonna order them drinks now.
And can you bring me
a giant stack of napkins? Thanks.
Voting time.
- Dude, a sex show is funny.
- We're not going to a sex show.
I really want the tulip experience
that everyone talks about.
Actually surprisingly good
water pressure for a boat.
Hello?
[SIGHS]
Oh, shit.
[DRYER CHIMES]
Hello?
Hello?
[CHUCKLES]
Mmm. Fuck me.
Right down there's the bench
from Fault in Our Stars!
- [JAMIE] The movie!
- [PANTING, GRUNTING]
- Whoa.
- [CYCLIST 4] Tourist!
So, red-light district. [CHUCKLES]
- That's right.
- [CHUCKLES] Cool. Okay. Awesome.
- Is everything all right at home or Oh.
- Here we are.
[SIGHS] His name was Chet Baker.
American, gifted trumpeter,
unique singer and a heroin addict.
He was tortured by demons,
but they didn't stop him
from making beautiful music.
He's what got me into jazz
in the first place, you know.
Oh. [MUMBLES]
Y-You hear his story and you think,
"There's nothing more punk rock
than that."
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Then, on the 13th of May, 1988,
he passed away on this very spot.
Oh, wow. H-How was it he died?
Uh, he fell from,
uh, that window up there.
- Ah. Mmm.
- But was it an accident?
Did he jump, or was he pushed? Mmm.
And we're gonna solve
that mystery tonight. [STAMMERS]
No, no. We're just here
to pay our respects to a legend.
What led to his death?
- We don't know, Will.
- Mmm.
- We only know this: drugs are bad.
- Yes.
- No, they are.
- Yeah.
My man, Kenneth the bus driver,
hooked me up a couple of weeks ago.
Wait, so you travel with it?
I thought they had plenty
of that stuff here.
Well, I just don't like
my medicine to be taxed.
[SCOFFS] I don't know, Coach.
You know, I've always been more
of a beer man or, uh, Sour Patch Kids.
Sour Patch Kids don't form literal
new pathways in your brain.
Picture a sheet of fresh,
white snow covering all the footsteps
of all the paths that
you've trod before,
forcing you
Nay, encouraging you to begin anew.
And how's it taste?
Disgusting, so most people put it
in peanut butter and jelly or yogurt.
Uh-huh. And which one we doing?
Neither. We're doing tea.
Oh, come on, man. Are you kidding me?
That's like hiding poop
inside a smoothie of barf.
[SIGHS, CLEARS THROAT]
I don't say this often enough
because I generally think
it's implied, but trust me.
This is how you change your mind.
[GROANS]
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[INHALES DEEPLY]
I can't do it, Coach. I'm sorry.
[SLURPS, GRUNTS]
Oh, boy.
Did you have any?
[ISAAC] Where we at?
- We have nine votes for sex show.
- [CHEERING]
[GROANS]
- Nine votes for private party.
- [GROANING]
And one vote for tulip.
That leaves us with two.
Sex show versus private party.
And I think someone
picked tulip, yes? But who?
Dani, you wrote it in Spanish.
Someone wrote it in Spanish, yes.
Look, it doesn't matter what we choose.
This has to be unanimous. Discuss.
Okay, the idea of seeing a sex show
is one that makes me more uncomfortable
than aroused.
Right? Right.
Which is why I'm still in favor of,
you know, a nice, simple movie night.
- [STAMMERS] But-But-But-But
- [CLAMORING]
as I said earlier,
Jan's admittedly inconvenient plan
is an excellent second option.
Yeah? Yes? Okay.
Great. All right. Let's go.
Wh No, no, no, no.
Guys, guys, guys. Stick with me.
We're two hours away from
From that party.
But we're only ten minutes away
from watching some sex. Come on.
[MURMURING]
Things flying about
[IN DUTCH] Can you
please tell my friend
that he is being a boring tourist?
[SPEAKS DUTCH]
- Everybody calls me Van Damme.
- [SCOFFS]
- [PLAYERS MURMURING]
- [SPEAKS DUTCH]
Okay, Van Damme,
would you prefer to pay to
watch two tired people have sex
or rather go to a party where
perhaps you could get some yourself?
[STAMMERS] They're They're tired?
Exhausted.
- [SIGHS]
- [LAUGHING, CHEERING]
We can finally start
our night in Amsterdam!
In Groningen, yes!
No, wait, wait, wait.
We need to eat first, right?
- Oh.
- Oh, yes. Definitely.
Um, okay. What do you want to eat?
- Ramen.
- Shawarma!
No way. We haven't eaten
We haven't eaten
Some brownies with marijuana.
Or maybe some Mexican?
[PLAYERS SPEAK INDISTINCTLY]
- Mmm. Oh.
- [KNOCKS]
- Hello?
- [PERSON] It's me. Is it okay to come in?
[STAMMERS] Yeah, of course.
Of course. It's your house boat.
Hi.
- [SIGHS]
- You really didn't need to leave.
No, but [EXHALES DEEPLY]
taking a shower on a stranger's boat
is uncomfortable enough.
And you shouldn't be worried that
he's watching you through some peephole.
- Peephole?
- Yeah.
- Someone's dated themselves.
- Oh.
Had you down as more
of a webcam kind of guy
Anyway, thank you, nonetheless.
You're bleeding.
- I'm what?
- You're bleeding.
What?
- Oh, God.
- Yeah, don't worry. Take a seat.
- [STAMMERS]
- [GROANS]
I don't I don't even know
how that happened.
I was in the military.
I trained for this.
Ooh.
And I don't want blood on my floor.
[SPEAKS DUTCH] Hey? [CHUCKLES]
Yep. [CLEARS THROAT]
You got strong ankles.
- Uh, yes. I wear a lot of high heels
- [SIGHS]
f-for work.
- Mm-hmm.
- All right. There you go.
Ooh.
Oh [CHUCKLES] sorry.
Force of habit.
- Oh. It's all that military training.
- [CHUCKLES]
Oh, and the tea was
really lovely. Thank you.
Would it perhaps be more lovely
if we added some brandy?
[SIGHS] No. No, no.
I'm, uh I'm just going to wait
till my clothes have dried
and then and then I'll pop off.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
In two hours and 40 minutes.
Okay. [SIGHS]
If you don't wanna wait,
I can call a cab
for you and your bag of wet clothes,
or I can make dinner. Uh
[STAMMERS]
Well, yes, I am quite hungry actually.
And [STAMMERS]
wet clothes are rather
heavy in a bag, so, um, yes.
Fuck it. That'd be nice.
- Good! Gezellig?
- Yep.
Uh, wait. Uh [EXHALES DEEPLY]
Feel free to change into one of these.
Um
Should I be concerned that you've got a
giant Tupperware box of women's clothing
- in your floating house?
- [CHUCKLES]
These aren't trophies, are they?
No. [CHUCKLES] It's my former partner.
She was tall, like you.
Oh, I'm sorry. Did she pass away?
Unfortunately, no.
[SIGHS]
Please help yourself.
I-I Look, I don't I don't
really think I can borrow your ex
Oh. God, this is lovely.
Please, change. We'll eat,
and then you'll go, all right?
[SIGHS] Mmm, yeah. Yeah. Sure.
And after dinner
I can give you a foot massage.
Absolutely not.
Are you sure? My technique is sound.
Oh [STAMMERS] Oh,
I'm I'm sure it is, but I will pass.
Okay, then. Fine. Uh, stand there
with tired feet, completely sober.
It does not affect me at all.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
Fine. Come on, then.
I'll I'll have a bit.
[LICKS LIPS]
Gezellig.
- They put a dam on the river Amstel.
- [PANTING]
"Amsteldam."
Amsterdam. [CHUCKLES] It's good, innit?
- Come on.
- Fucking stop for a fucking second!
Please. [BREATHING HEAVILY, GRUNTING]
God.
How do you know so much about here?
It's Amsterdam. How do you not?
Never been here in my life.
- What? Never?
- No.
- Not o-one stag party?
- No.
- Not one international match?
- No.
Not o-one emergency flight diverted here
because some EasyJet passenger
was being a prick?
- That never happens.
- It does.
It does happen, if you're being enough
of a prick. Which I was.
It just looks like
a Disney version of an old city.
It all looks so fucking fake.
It's not fake.
Come on. Windmills? Fake.
[SCOFFS] I ain't even from here,
and I'm offended.
[CHUCKLES] Windmills are real, man.
What are you talking about?
Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.
We need bikes.
What? No. [GRUNTS]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING ON TELEVISION]
- You know, Coach, if you wanna go
- I'll see you in the morning.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[SIGHS]
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
[SYNTHPOP MUSIC PLAYING]
[COLIN] Hey.
Hi. Can I help you?
Have you got vanilla vodka?
Dear God, no. [CHUCKLES]
[STAMMERS] A beer, please. Thank you.
- There you go, sweetie.
- Oh, thanks. [STAMMERS]
Hey, can I ask, do you know who I am?
Can I tell you a secret?
Tonight, you're whoever you want to be.
- Hmm?
- Yeah.
You should stick around for the party
later on. Thunderdong.
Good vibes, good place to make friends.
Sounds fun, I'm in.
Trent! Hey.
- Uh. [STAMMERS]
- [GLASS CLANKS]
Can I get a drink
for my work acquaintance, please?
Sorry, did you say Thunderdong?
Mm-hmm.
Ah. Oh, I think I'm in the wrong place.
My mistake. Cheers.
Happens all the time.
[SIGHING] Yeah.
- [TRENT] Colin!
- Good to see you, Trent.
Whoa, whoa.
Colin. I already knew.
I've known for months.
I haven't said anything to anyone.
I must have a good
reason for that, mustn't I?
[SIGHS] Right.
[PEOPLE ON TELEVISION SPEAKING DUTCH]
[SIGHS]
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
["VENUS" PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
Your ex has wonderful taste.
Well, actually, she hated that one.
Yeah, of course she did.
I bought it for her.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey. Gezellig, right?
[REBECCA] Hmm.
Ooh, that smells wonderful.
It's almost ready.
Would you like a drink?
- I would love one.
- Please, help yourself.
So, uh,
should I be worried about some
giant Dutch woman wandering on here
and strangling me for
wearing her clothes?
- No. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
Things are over between us,
and have been so
for some time. So don't worry.
It's all right. I didn't mean to
You don't need to tell me
any of the details.
She was unfaithful.
I loved her very much, so it wrecked me,
and I came dangerously
close to destroying our family on it.
But then,
with time, I realized that
this thing didn't happen to me,
it happened for me. You know?
Cheers.
Proost.
- Proost. Prost.
- Proost.
Proust.
["ZIJ GELOOFT IN MIJ" PLAYING]
Mmm.
Wait, is this some Dutch bloke
singing "She Believes
in Me" by Kenny Rogers?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This Dutch bloke is
the great André Hazes,
and he's singing "Zij
Gelooft in Mij," all right?
Okay. [CHUCKLES]
And yes, the Gambling Man did it first.
But [SHUSHES]
[SINGING IN DUTCH]
[CHUCKLES]
And who knows
Maybe on some special night ♪
If my song is right ♪
- I will find a way ♪
- [SINGING IN DUTCH]
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
- [SINGS INDISTINCTLY]
- [BOTH CHUCKLING]
Hmm.
[PANTING]
Psst.
- The fuck are you doing?
- [SHUSHES] Just be patient.
Bicycle?
Thank you. Uh, two, please.
Oh, I love a challenge. Hold this.
[CACKLES] Oh, mate.
We've just made tonight amazing.
I don't wanna ride around
on a fucking bike.
Oh, come on. It'll be fun.
- Voilà. Sixty euros.
- Have a hundred.
Thank you.
- Here.
- Get it away from me.
- Oh, come on.
- No, I don't want it.
Mate, we take the bikes,
we find a windmill.
- No. I said no.
- Why the fuck not?
I don't know how to ride a bike!
[LAUGHING]
No refunds.
[LAUGHS] Fucking hell, Roy.
Do you know how to tie your own laces?
Stop being a dick.
When I went to Sunderland,
my granddad told me he'd teach me
how to ride when I
came back for Christmas,
and then he fucking died,
and I haven't been on a bike since.
And now I'm saying that out loud,
I realize that never learning was
actually a great
disrespect to his memory
and now I feel ashamed.
So can we stop talking about it
and go back to me just taking out
my negative emotions on you,
even if you deserve it or not?
Go on, Roy. For Granddad.
Fuck.
Okay, you're gonna sit up,
look up and pedal.
Straight back up. Just straight back up.
Put your feet on the pedals.
Put your feet on the pedals.
That's it, good. Now pedal. Now pedal.
Put your foot on the ped
All right. Okay. All right.
Okay, all right. All right.
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]
- On the bike. Okay. There you go.
Pick it up but in an angry way, man.
Good lad. Pedal, pedal,
pedal, pedal. That's it. Hey!
Good lad, pedal it. You actually
That's it, that's it!
That's good! That's good.
You did it for two seconds there, man.
That's an improvement.
Steady on, mate. Steady on. Steady on.
Hey! What You're doing
well, man. Calm down.
How's that gonna help anyone?
- In there. There you go. Good, good.
- [BREATHING SHAKILY]
- I can't turn the other way.
- Yes. All right. This way, this way.
- I can't turn the other way.
- It's right. Follow me.
- Try and hit me!
- I can't turn.
It's all about balance, man.
Just like dribbling.
If you can dribble, you can balance.
That's it.
Yeah, that's good. You do
- All right, mate. It's good
- I'm gonna kill you.
- You're doing it. You're doing it.
- I'm doing it.
Let's go find a fucking windmill!
[LAUGHING] For Granddad!
All right, wait for me.
[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
[PATRONS CHATTERING]
[HIGGINS] We're sitting here?
Well, yeah. You know,
you said pick good seats, so
Yeah, but these are so
[SIGHS] exposed.
Oh, no.
It's like the time I was front
and center at an improv comedy show.
Are they gonna make a song
about how I look like an altar boy?
[SCOFFS] It's okay. Y-You did great.
- [INHALES DEEPLY] Thank you.
- Here's your drink.
Thank you for doing this, Will.
One pilgrim alone is merely a zealot,
but two pilgrims together,
that's a pilgrimage.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Cheers.
- Oh, here we go. Mmm.
- Hmm?
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Welcome to Jazz Café Alto.
My name is Dante Charles,
and we are the Kartel.
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
- Miles Davis once said that
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[DANTE] Remember the night ♪
[TRENT] And that was the second time
I came out to her.
- [COLIN CHUCKLES]
- This time, however, she believed me.
And now [INHALES SHARPLY]
we're closer than ever.
And your daughter?
Yeah. She's never been happier.
[CHUCKLES]
[INHALES SHARPLY] My point is,
it was really difficult
to hold on to that secret.
- But I'm not a professional athlete.
- [SCOFFS]
How do you do it?
Well [BREATHES DEEPLY]
my whole life is two lives really.
You got my work life.
Like, no one at the club knows.
I'd I'd like to think
they wouldn't care,
but it's just easier that way.
Then you got my dating life.
Some guys think it's hot.
Others say they don't care, but
eventually they get
tired and they move on.
Then the club brought in Dr. Sharon
and she helped me realize that I have
an ache.
[CLICKS TONGUE, BREATHES DEEPLY]
An ache for both my lives
to be my only life.
I don't want to be a spokesperson.
I don't want a bunch of apologies.
[SIGHS]
All I want is for when we win a match,
to be able to kiss my fella
the same way the guys
get to kiss their girls.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
And I know we can't fix
every ache inside of us.
But I shouldn't have
to pretend it's not there either.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
How'd you know? About me?
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Well, I used my Holmesian
powers of journalistic deduction.
Saw you kissing a guy
outside Sam's restaurant.
- Ah. Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
[BELL TOLLING]
- Those are the bells of the Westerkerk.
- Oh.
[INHALES SHARPLY] Anne Frank heard
those same bells every night.
She lived just there.
Oh, right
Right by this big, pink triangle?
Think that came a bit later.
Oh, yeah. [CHUCKLES]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[DOCENT]
"One doesn't expect to get from life
what one has already learned
it cannot give,
rather, one begins to see
that life is a kind of sowing time
and the harvest is not yet here."
[INHALES SHARPLY]
He was just a humble preacher's son.
And yes, he had his demons,
but they never stopped him
from searching for beauty.
Because when you find beauty,
you find inspiration.
If, that is,
you stay as determined as Vincent.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Never stop, no matter how many failures.
When you know you're doing what
you're meant to do, you have to try.
Where I'm from
Kansas, my home
This here, this is our state flower.
Mmm. I want you to have this.
Uh, we close in three minutes.
Mercy buckets.
Yep.
[AFC RICHMOND TEAM SHOUTING, CLAMORING]
[SHOUTS IN SPANISH] We are in Holland!
We should try Dutch food!
- As a Frenchman, I would rather die!
- No!
[SHOUTING, CLAMORING CONTINUES]
[ISAAC] Enough!
We are riven by this crossroads!
Is this it? [BREATHING SHAKILY]
Should we huddle around the laptop
for a movie night?
How else d-do we proceed?
How doth we channel
this lack of compromise?
This dissension? This rage?
Captain.
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS] Coach. I know that you have
my best interests at heart,
or or the club's anyway.
Even though you're clearly upset
about something else
and you're taking it out on me.
What I'm trying to say is,
I'm sorry for being a dick earlier.
I've been to Amsterdam twice.
When I was 14, me dad
was trying to get back with me mum,
and he was acting like some kind of
fucking super dad or some shit,
and he brought me out here
for some father-son bonding time.
Anyway, he said it was
to watch a football match.
After the game, he took me
to the red-light district
for my real present.
He, uh
He took me to lose my virginity
to those ladies behind the windows.
Jesus. Must have been traumatizing.
No. She loved it.
Oh, for me Sorry, me, you mean.
Uh, no.
I-I don't know.
I don't remember.
Anyway, a couple of years later,
me mum brought me back here.
And we went to museums
and did all the tours,
and it's the first time I had
stroopwafel. Never forget that time.
Even though my dad weren't here,
he was s-still kinda
there with us. You know?
I was a dick today too. I'm sorry.
I think Keeley's got a girlfriend.
Hmm.
Let's go find us some windmills, eh?
Yeah.
["WAITIN' IN SCHOOL" PLAYING]
[PATRONS CHATTERING]
Bang.
- Howdy, partner.
- Hey there.
Welcome to Yankee Doodle
Burger Barn. Table for one?
Wh Yes, please. Yeah.
Hey, where in the States you from?
Melbourne.
Plenty of room tonight,
where would you like to sit?
Windy City, Big Apple or Hollywood?
Oh, well. Tell Mama that
Roxie Hart is coming home.
Lipschitz. [CHUCKLES]
[STAMMERS] Chicago. [CHUCKLES]
Windy City.
Great, mate. Giddyap. [CHUCKLES]
[PATRONS CHEERING]
- Here you are. Your fancy hot dog.
- [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
- Howdy.
- [CUSTOMER 1] Um, can I get some ranch dressing?
[SERVER] Mmm. Absolutely, ma'am.
Hey, partner. Here all right?
Yeah. Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
- Enjoy.
- Thank you.
- Oh, no, you didn't. [LAUGHS]
- Yes.
Well, it actually happened.
[LAUGHS]
- [SIGHS]
- [CHUCKLES, INHALES DEEPLY]
Would you like some water?
Wise.
[SIGHS] This is so cozy.
The food and the music, the boat and
[INHALES DEEPLY] It really is
Gezellig?
[STAMMERS] You keep saying that word.
Or are you just choking?
- Gezellig. That one?
- [LAUGHS] That's the one.
Come on then. What does that mean?
What Uh [STAMMERS, SIGHS]
I don't know. Uh, gezellig.
[STAMMERS] There is no direct
English translation, I think. [STAMMERS]
It can mean cozy. Like a warm fire.
Gezellig. [SPEAKS DUTCH]
But you can also keep
your mind gezellig.
Hmm.
You know, your heart, your soul.
The people you're with.
The places you go.
You know?
Even this, right now, here is
Gezellig.
Exactly.
[DRYER BUZZES]
[INHALES DEEPLY]
They feel pretty dry.
[DRYER BEEPS, WHIRS]
All right. Where were we?
Wine.
[ANNOUNCERS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Here's your onion ring pyramid
and your freedom fries.
Thank you.
You enjoying the game?
Oh, yeah. Hey, you know what?
I bet you a thousand bucks
the Bulls will win 107 to 86.
- [STAMMERS]
- I'm just kidding.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
I remember watching this game
as a kid with my dad.
Yeah. I used to love
watching basketball with him.
Thank you for sharing.
And please feel free to choose
from our menu of 50 Nifty United Sauces.
And there's a lovely queso
from Puerto Rico.
Oh. [STAMMERS] You know what?
Um, how about you just surprise me?
- Can do.
- Thanks.
[ANNOUNCER ON TV] And the Bulls drop
into their triangle offense,
creating constant movement
between the players.
It's been the key to
their success this season.
It opens up for Jordan. He shoots. Yes!
Pyramid ain't nothing but a triangle.
Actually, three triangles
all leaning on each other. [CHUCKLES]
Howdy, Ted.
[ANNOUNCER ON TV SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Hey. So, uh, how does this one look?
[STAMMERS]
Why'd you bring me this one?
It's the best one.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, this is mighty strange.
Hello? [ECHOES]
[DISEMBODIED VOICE] Hello, Ted.
Hey, that's me. Who are you?
I am the True Spirit of Adventure.
Ooh, I like that.
Well, what's shaking, TSA?
Do you know where
triangles come from, Ted?
I don't know.
God dropped a square on the floor
and it broke in half
long-ways or something?
- Whoopsie.
- No, Ted.
It's debated that the triangle
was first defined by Pythagoras
as any shape with three sides
and three corners.
That's a good theorem.
But throughout history, many believe
that triangles have held special powers.
Oh, yeah.
From the Holy Trinity of Christianity
to the trikaya of Buddhism.
There's also that spooky eye thing
on the back of the one-dollar bill.
Oh, yeah.
In some Native American cultures,
the triangle symbolizes home.
Mmm. I'm sorry Europeans kicked all
them folks out of their triangle.
But the concept of the triangle
reached its zenith in 1989
when a man called Tex Winter,
an assistant coach for
your Chicago Bulls
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- introduced his triangle offense.
The central component of which was
for a player to always
have two available
teammates to whom
he could pass the ball.
- [TED] Mmm.
- These three players formed
A triangle.
Bingo, Ringo.
But that was never the
only triangle on the court.
For when the players moved,
they created more and more triangles.
Hey, you're right.
Actually, Ted, you're right.
Yes!
- [SERVERS CHEERING, CLAPPING]
- [SERVER] Howdy, partner.
Hey. Can I borrow a pen?
- [SERVER] Come on, boy!
- Thanks.
[SERVERS] Yankee Doodle Burger Barn
Happy birthday ♪
Yankee Doodle Burger Barn
Happy birthday, Mel ♪
World War II was won by America ♪
But the West was liberated
Thanks to Canada ♪
Hey! [CHEERS]
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
[PATRONS CHATTERING]
[SCATTING]
- Do you play?
- Um.
- Um. [STAMMERS]
- Yes. Yes, he Yes, he does. He does.
He plays bass because Chet Baker
Chet Ba Do you
know who Chet Baker is?
- All right. Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
Players in.
Pillows ready.
[PLAYERS CHANT]
- [ISAAC] Begin!
- [GRUNTING]
Let's get lost now.
[PATRONS CHEERING]
["LET'S GET LOST" PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
- Vanilla vodka.
- Oh!
Oh, my God. He's still at it.
- Yeah. It's pretty amazing.
- [SERVER 1 CHUCKLES]
What the hell is he doing?
I don't know. But he's got my pen.
[SERVER 2] Derek's gonna make you
buy a new one.
Fucking hate Derek.
[BOTH] Yeah.
[ROY] Fuck!
Let's get lost ♪
[PATRONS CHEERING, APPLAUDING]
Whoo!
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Good morning.
So, um
[INHALES SHARPLY, EXHALES]
Last night
Did we
Did we?
Did we, um
No.
[CHUCKLES]
[REBECCA CHUCKLES]
- Breakfast?
- [INHALES DEEPLY]
Uh, no. I-I have to go.
- Of course. [SIGHS]
- [INHALES DEEPLY]
But, um, thank you, uh
- [LAUGHS]
- Uh, you're welcome, uh
[INHALES DEEPLY] I won't forget you.
Yeah, y-you might.
People get Alzheimer's.
[CHUCKLING]
[CHUCKLES]
[REBECCA LAUGHS]
Did we? [SCOFFS]
Oh, yes, we did. [SIGHS]
I'm telling you, Amsterdam, amazing.
Amazing. Uh, like,
yes, we lost the game,
but my boss played in a jazz band
and then [STAMMERS]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Gerbrandt, Gijs, Gilles, Brechje
and Paul [CHUCKLES]
[SPEAKING DUTCH]
[ALL LAUGH]
Okay, doei.
Doei!
- Hey, Will.
- Uh, you speak Dutch?
Don't tell Jan. Where's Ted?
- Uh, he's in the back.
- Thank you.
["MAG IK DANSEN" PLAYING]
Mum? Sorry. Yes, no
Uh [CHUCKLES] Uh, what was I saying?
And then I met the most lovely couple,
and they invited me for a threesome.
Bonjour.
- Coach. [SIGHS]
- Hey, Coach.
- [SIGHS]
- Wait, let me guess,
Piggy Stardust.
- Rashers to rashers, oink to oinky.
- I love it.
- [BOTH IMITATE EXPLOSION]
- [CHUCKLES]
[CHATTERING]
[SIGHS] Hey, sorry about last night.
No, no, that's okay. I'm sorry.
You know, I shouldn't have let you
wander around out there all alone
with a head full of tea, you know.
Uh, good thing it was a dud batch.
- What's that?
- I wasn't feeling anything.
So I called Kenneth, he tried it,
couple hours later,
calls me up totally contrite.
Confirmed, dud batch. [SIGHS]
Huh.
It happens.
[STAMMERS] Uh,
let me ask you a question here.
Is this anything?
The way I see it,
we've been playing too rigid, you know?
Our guys need freedom.
Go wherever they wanna go.
Follow their guts, their hearts.
Uh, as long as
they remember to fill in the
space that someone left behind.
They gotta have one another's backs,
that's for sure.
But, you know, it's just constant,
nonstop motion.
Just going from position to position
until positions don't really,
um, even exist anymore.
It's fast, fluid, free.
With full support. [CHUCKLES]
You come up with this yourself?
Yeah?
Congrats.
You should call it Total Football.
Ooh, I like that.
Which was invented right here
in Holland in the '70s.
Oh. Hmm. You think we should try it?
Yes, I do.
All right, cool. Total Football.
Room for one more?
[ALL CHEER, LAUGH]
[TED] Hey, boss.
So, 12 unanswered texts,
three un-haha'ed GIFs.
We good?
Oh, I'm sorry, Ted.
My phone is at the bottom of a canal.
Is that Keats?
Nope.
Yeah, okay.
Hey, Will, how we looking?
Uh, we're two short. Who's missing?
[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]
You lovely people!
[CHEERING, LAUGHING]
[JAMIE] Did you miss me?
Don't fucking ask.
- [ROY] Let's go.
- We saw a windmill!
- [TEAM APPLAUDS, CHEERS]
- All right.
Hell yeah.
Come on!
I-I bet you the sex
show was dope though.
[ALL MURMURING, GROANING]
- What? [CHUCKLES]
- Leave it alone, man.
[SIGHS]
Everything okay, boss?
Don't worry, about a thing ♪
'Cause every little thing's
Gonna be all right ♪
- Well, I appreciate it.
- Singin', don't worry, about a thing ♪
'Cause every little thing
Gonna be all right ♪
- [REBECCA] Whoo!
- [COACH BEARD] Everybody!
[ALL] Don't worry ♪
[VOCALIZES]
[ALL] About a thing ♪
[VOCALIZES]
[ALL] 'Cause every little thing
Is gonna be all right ♪
[COACH BEARD] One more time!
[ALL] Singin', don't worry
About a thing ♪
[COACH BEARD]
Don't worry about that thing now.
'Cause every little thing
Is gonna be all right ♪
- [COACH BEARD] Every one of them!
- [REBECCA] Whoo!
- [ALL] Singin', don't worry ♪
- [COACH BEARD] Don't do it!
[ALL] About a thing ♪
'Cause every little thing
Is gonna be all right ♪