The Awesomes (2013) s03e06 Episode Script
The Dames of Danger
Thanks again for designing these dresses, Impresario.
Well, what was I going to do, let you pick something out? Two women who think haute couture is when the dressing room at Kmart gets a little sweaty? No way, let a fashionisto handle this.
Hey, who's this sexy lady and what have you done with Concierge? Oh, you.
Seriously, what have you done with Concierge? Why are you guys all dressed up? Another adult thing I'm not invited to? Because we're going to Chic Magazine's Women of the Year Award.
It's like the Nobel Prize for women, if women were - allowed to win the Nobel Prize.
- Frantic, you can't go.
Whaaat? But I had Impresario make this tux for me.
- It's for women only.
- Although I've always considered gay men the women of the male community.
Yeah, I want to go.
"Women only" that's sexist.
Men want to look at girls' butts too.
We're not going there to look at girls' butts.
- Oh, you're a breast man.
- We're going to support other women.
- Oh, so you're a bra man.
- That doesn't make any sense.
It makes a little bit of sense.
Well, I'm glad you three are representing The Awesomes tonight.
You're gonna do great.
And you'll be excited to hear that my mom is giving the keynote.
- That's great.
- Son of a bitch! Where's Hotwire, by the way? We were supposed to leave five minutes ago.
This feels awesome This feels awesome Yeah, this feels awesome Yeah, well, this feels awesome This feels awesome This feels awesome This feels so awesome Behind every great woman is another great woman.
Behind that great woman is a third great woman.
And behind that woman, perhaps a man who is transitioning to be a woman.
Baby girl, have you been eating too many foods? You look lumpy where you normally look skinny.
Oh, I think it might be the dress.
It's very unflattering.
But who are all these great women? They're women just like you.
Oh, my God, I cannot believe Muscleman tried to sneak in here in drag.
Muscleman, get out of here! - What, no, I'm Muscleman's sister! - Musclegirl, I am so sorry.
I haven't seen you since your wedding on Ape Island.
_ - Wow, Concierge, that was rude.
- All right, let's go.
Wait, no, but I want to see the In Memoriam.
- Jaclyn Stone.
- Hotwire.
I've been looking forward to seeing you.
I never had a chance to say no hard feelings about Prock.
I've so moved on and I just want you guys to be happy.
Thanks, Jaclyn.
However, now that I'm seeing you in person it brings it all back and I'm furious again.
- So, hard feelings? - Hard feelings, rock hard.
Well, I don't forgive you either, Hotwire.
- Prock was my soul mate.
- Musclegirl, you're married.
Um, just because I'm in a legal union with an ape doesn't mean Prock isn't my soul mate, okay? Besides, apes don't have souls.
Ooh, you're married to a monkey? That's hilarious.
Does he play the cymbals? Ugh, I wish.
He's an orthodontist.
Mm, hello, former Awesomes.
Heh.
Great dress, Musclegirl.
- I love what it does for your delts.
- Joyce, you seem so happy.
Of course, tonight is a night where we honor women.
That's so important, especially in our field.
There was a time when the world of superheroes was dominated by men, and yet look at us and all we have achieved.
Wow, that's so nice.
Of course, for Concierge, Hotwire, and Gadget Gal, those achievements are sullied by the recent mess - you've made of things.
- Less nice.
Still, there's no place I'd rather be than here, talking to you, my respected colleagues, my friends, my sisters.
Oh, damn, I just remembered a very important engagement I have to run off to.
And I really should be getting back home to my ape husband.
And I have to wake up early for court.
It's important to get a good night's sleep before you sue someone's balls off.
Oh, I am just now remembering that I also have to come up with an excuse off the top of my head.
Wait, what's going on? Why are all of you leaving - and what's with the blinking watches? - I know what's going on here.
You're the new Dames of Danger! - Gadget Gal, keep your voice down! - The Dames of Danger, the top secret, all-female special ops team? I've heard the legends, but I never thought it was real.
Oh, it's real.
The Dames started back when male superheroes were off fighting World War II.
I was a member at one point.
They made a movie about us.
But since it was a secret organization, they had to change the spying to "lady baseball.
" Mom, you're in the Dames of Danger? I can't tell you, baby, 'cause it's a secret.
That's the first thing they told me when I joined the Dames of Danger.
Enough small talk; We just got a mission.
And if you like action and intrigue, you're welcome to tag along.
What do you say, ladies, you in? - Yep! - Yeah! Mm, I don't know.
I might stay here.
These awards are pretty interesting.
Women with names, names like Abigail, Abby, Abbi with an I, - Aida, Adrian, Agatha.
- Okay, I'm in.
Guys, we have a mission.
Figure out where to order dinner from.
Oh, I know, can we do Vietnamese peasant food? I know a great place, except they do not deliver or let you pick up, and they're always closed.
Let's call that Mexican place that has Impresario's credit card numbers.
I'll pick it up.
Who has my credit card numbers? Did someone say Mexican food? I have super hearing.
Are you just constantly listening to hear if we're doing something cool? What? No.
I-I live at Awesome Mountain.
My life rules and yours doesn't.
I do not miss you and I am not desperate to hang out with you.
- Hey, Perfect Man, you want in? - Yes, whatever it is, yes! We're having a little guys' night.
All the girls went to some stupid award show.
Like we get it, you're women, here's your prize for not having a penis.
Cool, is the prize shaped like a penis? - No, it is not.
- Right.
'Cause the Pee Buddy Award is shaped like a penis.
What do you think the Peabody Award is for? - Is it not about urinating with friends? - No, it is not.
What?! Joyce, I'm a little surprised.
You're a superhero? Yes, I'm an administrator by day, but when the pencil pushing is done, - I transform into the Fireplug.
- Do you have a power? My short, stumpy body becomes a battering ram.
Watch.
- Damn, Fireplug.
- Ted, are you okay? Just get these canapÃÂÃ Â s to table five.
Welcome to the Dames of Danger top secret headquarters.
Wait, the Dames of Danger headquarters is a ladies' room? The Dames of Danger headquarters is any ladies' room.
Mr.
Danger.
Dames, you have a mission.
Backstory has stolen highly sensitive, classified information from the government, and we need you to retrieve it.
- Who's Backstory? - Ugh, only the most annoying villain ever.
Known for having the most complicated backstory of all time, both of Backstory's parents were murdered when he was 10.
- So that's why he became a villain? - No, bare with me.
He was adopted by eccentric scientist Bjorn Bjornson who accidentally exposed Backstory to a burst of radiation.
- Which gave him powers.
- Not quite.
But while he was in the hospital for radiation poisoning.
Wait, can you see us? - Yeah.
- So you just have a camera in a ladies' bathroom? In every ladies' bathroom.
Please, now isn't the time to worry about where my many cameras are.
We have a situation.
You know, this mission sounds kind of dangerous.
Yeah, it is, we're the Dames of Danger.
Well, I might just hang back here.
Hotwire, you're like the most daring female superhero there is.
Yeah, you even just won an award for that.
Ha, "Might just hang back here.
" Good one, Hotwire.
Oh, I get it.
Hey, Mr.
Danger, you're gonna need to reimburse this place for the toilet.
That thing is done.
Jesus, again? Let's go kick some ass! - Royal flush, baby.
- Um, we're playing Uno.
No guys' night is complete without a panty raid.
Woo-hoo! Um, be careful, that's my wife's underwear.
That's my underwear, put it back! Hey, you want to see who can do the best party trick? I can balance a spoon on my nose.
Check it out.
Oh, those are pretty good too.
Mr.
Awesome says he saved the world 995 times.
But did you know he's actually only saved the world 994 times? Mr.
Awesome's opponent is really struggling.
So, what's it like over at Awesome Mountain now? It's fine, I guess.
I feel like we're doing less superhero stuff and more running for president stuff.
Like the other day we rescued a bunch of babies from The Cradle Snatcher, but before we returned them to their families your dad made sure he got a bunch of pictures kissing them; It was weird.
And now, we return to the Women of the Year Awards.
I cannot believe those sexist, racist girls.
- Why are they racist? - Uh, they didn't invite Impresario.
Seeing them shine on the red carpet is my reward, 'cause that's all I'm gonna get from them cheap ass ladies.
Right; You know what, I'm sick of men being oppressed.
It's always women, women, women.
When are men going to have our turn in the spotlight? We should have a Man Awards.
Dames, this is the casino where Backstory's men hang out.
We need to do whatever it takes to get information about his whereabouts.
Security systems in places like this are easy to hack.
- I can get into the main frame - Excuse me, Concierge, but this is not The Awesomes.
I call the shots here, and I already have a plan.
Which is? We're going to use our powers of seduction.
Jesus, again? Joyce, that's the only plan you ever have.
Well, I'm sorry, but that's what lady spies do.
We dress sexy and we get info.
- That doesn't sound very progressive.
- It's not.
We are powerful, super smart, super women, and we take our orders from a weird dude in a [bleep.]
mirror.
That's right, blonde lady.
We should be celebrating our womanhood, especially on the night of the "Chick" Woman Magazine Awards.
- Chic, mom.
- Oh, thank you, baby.
I bought it at Marshall's.
Well, I define womanhood as being able to be powerful - in any way we choose.
- Actually, that's a decent argument.
And I choose using my rockin' bod to make men drool and give me what I want.
And right now, I want information, and possibly to get laid, so let's go! I'll say it again because it bears repeating.
Damn, Fireplug! So, after this, you'll give me a ride home.
May the best seductress win.
It's not cheating on your husband if it's for your job, right? Ooh, that one kind of looks like Prock.
Hello, I'm Lady Malocchio, and all of this can be yours in return for informations.
Look, my power is getting information.
What if I use my power, but with a little sexy twist, - while still being a progressive feminist.
- Ooh, good luck.
- Can I buy you a drink? - Well, hello, handsome.
How about we each buy our own drinks - and then have a discussion as equals? - No, sounds bad.
He's kinda right, it did sound bad.
- Yep.
- I'd love to see you do better.
- Hey.
- Hi there.
Let's cut through the bull[bleep.]
.
I want information about Backstory, and if you give me what I want, I will give you not what you want, but what I want to give you.
And I assure you that once you experience the thing I want to give you, it will be the only thing you will ever want for the rest of your life.
I don't know who Backstory is, but is there anything I can do to get the thing you want to give me.
- No, goodbye.
- Please! I'm beggin' you! - Tell me where he is.
- Gadget Gal! Seduction.
Oh, right.
Tell me where he is! And the award for Best Hair goes to: Me, Perfect Man.
Aw, man, look at my wave! It costs $600 a month to keep my mullet this shade of nectarine.
Why does Perfect Man get to host? I'd be so good, I'm the perfect blend of gravitas and irreverence.
Don't be upset, at least he let you write his banter.
Up next, a superhero who puts the "sum" in Awesomes, Impresario.
Because of Impresario's credit card debt? Dammit, Prock, these are all stinkers.
Thanks for the club soda.
I'm pregnant.
Wow, you're actually the first person I've told.
I've been too nervous to tell my boyfriend or my coworkers.
Is that normal oh, you're gone.
The art of seduction is harder than I thought.
No one would even let me kiss them, let alone tell me about Backstory.
I guess we're just not the seducing type of girls.
Where's Joyce, by the way? Woo-hoo! Hey, you, get in here.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Not one award, for real.
And now the Most Desperate for an Award Award.
This could be your chance! - And the winner is: Frantic! - Oh, thank you, thank you.
You like me, you really like me! First, I'd like to thank my high school track coach, Coach Dandy, who saw something special in me at a time when others found me abrasive and annoying.
I'd also like to thank my lovin' partner Steven, we did it, boo! Without you, I might be desperate, but not Most Desperate for an Award.
Oh, and I should also thank everyone at CAA, which is something I always hear but do not know what it means.
- Time's up! - Oh, come on, Impresario! This is my big moment.
You know our next presenter as Prock's stepdad and an all-around good guy.
Presenting the award for Best at Replying to Emails, - please welcome Jeffrey.
- Thank you.
Webster's dictionary defines emails Oh no, not the Webster's dictionary move.
See, this is why Bruce Vilanch is worth his weigh in gold.
But I didn't get my one phone call.
I was going to call one of those TV psychics because they can be so expensive.
How are we ever going to find Backstory? Did you get any information, Joyce? I learned what motorboating is.
Does that count? Ugh, I don't feel so good.
Ugh, don't be such a prude, Hotwire.
It's a natural act.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I'll wash it off.
- You're damn right you will.
- Hey, bro, we ain't got time for that.
We have to meet Backstory at the docks by midnight.
Good work, Hotwire.
I guess in the game of rock, puking, seduction, puking beats seduction.
It's 11:30, Backstory should be here soon.
- So you aren't gonna drop me off? - Come on, it's fun! Just us girls hanging out, bonding like sisters, telling each other secrets.
You want to know how much Perfect Man makes? In my experience, nothing bonds ladies like an old-fashioned bitch session.
Great, I get my super strength from anger, so let me start.
Couldn't they at least have gotten us a less sexist van? It's not easy being a female superhero! Why the term female superhero? No one says male superhero.
You know what sucks about being a female superhero? - You just said it again.
- We're allowed to say it.
It's just like how rap singers can say Gadget Gal, don't! What sucks for female superheroes is dating.
It's like you can't date a regular guy 'cause he's threatened by your powers, and there's only so many eligible superheroes out there.
Yeah, why do you think three of us have dated Prock? I found myself a nice scientist man, but then he turned evil.
Isn't that always the way? I'll tell you what sucks, trying to have it all, be a supportive girlfriend, and a powerful superhero.
And what if I wanted to start a family, huh? Who's gonna save the world when you have to stop to breastfeed? Lactation Lady does it, and she has triplets.
Lock it up, ladies, Backstory's here.
Barbecuing, fixing cars Being a man, being a man If this is what being a man is like, I'm gonna pluck out my single chest hair.
Who does a closing number? Follow the Neil Patrick Harris method, people! - Tried and true.
- # Being a man # Congratulations to all the winners.
Till next year, I'm Perfect Man, and that was a perfect Man Awards.
Prock, you really need to work on your writing.
Promotional considerations provided by Impresario.
What the? You can't have an awards show without gift bags.
- Ooh, Ray-Bans.
- Hey, man, sorry you lost all the categories.
If it makes you feel any better, your jokes were all terrible.
We are so much better than those girls and their dumb "Chick" Magazine Awards.
Look at us, we had this amazing guys' night, put on a whole award show all by ourselves, and what are they doing? Probably winning an award for prettiest dress and then getting mani-pedis or something.
And then I went to live with my Uncle Mortimer.
Now, he worked part-time at a department store.
Oh, my God, so boring.
This guy makes Prock sound like [bleep.]
Sarah Koenig.
Tell me more about this Uncle Marty.
Okay.
Well, a pregnant woman really shouldn't be at a battle.
So if I just stand over here I should be fine.
I don't think anyone will notice me.
Do you even have a power? You're mainly just doing strip mall karate dojo moves.
Hotwire, stop him! Hotwire, how could you just let him get away? - You had a clear shot.
- Yeah, you looked terrified and weak.
Maybe spending time with Prock is contagious.
No, it's not that.
I'm pregnant.
You're pregnant? I'm sorry, I'm just worried about hurting the baby.
I didn't even want to come on this mission.
- You said you'd drop me off! - Hotwire, slow down, it's okay.
Does this mean I'm going to be a grandma? I want to be called Momo, or GrandMooMoo, or Joan if the baby is fancy.
I just didn't know if it was safe to use my power.
Who knows what could happen? After all, it's Prock's baby.
He got a third degree burn from a staticky blanket once.
Wow, no offense, Hotwire, but I gotta say, I kinda dodged a bullet there.
Yeah, me too.
So glad I broke up with him.
- You broke up with him? - Just let me have this.
Ugh, what am I gonna do? What's Prock gonna think? We haven't even talked about having kids.
I didn't think he'd be able to.
I mean, I knew I wanted to have kids some day, but right now I just want to be a superhero.
Hotwire, listen to an old woman who's lived two lives.
My first time around I was all career and carved no time for a husband and family.
That's the way it was and I went with it.
But I've seen things change.
Nowadays, women can have it all, and if anyone could pull it off, you could.
Dames, what happened out there? Huh, you weren't [bleep.]
kidding.
You have cameras in every women's bathroom.
Yes, but it's not weird, we shouldn't focus on it.
As for Backstory, luckily, we still have a shot.
Our intelligence shows he's making the exchange at McAndrews Park.
And don't worry, Hotwire, - we'll keep you well clear of the action.
- Thanks, guys.
We don't have the budget for this! Take it out of my check! - That's a beautiful baby.
- Thank you.
Yeah, she just started teething, so it's a difficult age.
But then, yeah, they're all difficult ages.
You know, at the same time, every day is a gift.
And this afternoon she made an "M" sound, which I have to assume is the beginning of "mama.
" All right, [bleep.]
, where's the data? Where's the data? Where do I begin? - Well Ow! - Tell us, who's your buyer?! - Long Story Ow! - I could do this all day.
No, the villain's name is Long Story.
She's known for telling really long stories about her kids.
- It's so annoying.
- My older one, who is five, is basically the Picasso of finger-painting.
And I don't know if you collect art, but it's worth buying one of his pieces because they're only going to appreciate in value.
- Whoa! - Where is she now? She'll be long gone as long as no one was dumb enough - to ask her about her baby.
- Hotwire! Let me go.
I have to get to Isabella's piano recital.
She's only been playing for a few months, but I can already tell she's gifted.
Ya! - Hotwire, are you okay? - I'm better than okay.
Do you know what this means? She's a villain and a mom! You really can have it all.
Although when I have a baby, I probably won't take it to battles.
Ha, good luck finding a nanny you trust.
You wouldn't believe what happened with our first nanny.
She's Guatemalan Great job, Hotwire.
I'm really happy for you.
- Thanks.
- I hope you have a son and he looks like Prock and I can marry him in 19 years.
Okay, I will definitely be calling the police in advance.
- Congratulations, Dames.
- Hello, this is a ladies' bathroom.
You've completed the mission.
So we saved some really important national security data, huh? Where's Mr.
Danger? Who are you? I'm Agent Van Buren, and actually it turns out the only thing on the stolen drive was pictures of the Dames of Danger going to the bathroom.
Mr.
Danger will no longer be overseeing the team.
- Wow.
- What? I liked him! Oh, you're the girl from the photos.
You should really see a doctor.
So, who's going to replace him? - Probably some other old white guy.
- Not this time, Gadget Gal.
We felt we were long overdue for a change.
And the numerous criminal charges against Mr.
Danger have just nudged us in the right direction.
May I present to you the new leader of the Dames of Danger, Calvin Anderson.
Ladies, looking forward to working with you.
- Man, they made it hard to complain about this.
- Son of a bitch.
Look at the bright side, ladies.
Men are dumb and we can make them do what we want.
And nothing's going to come between me and my Calvin.
Damn, Fireplug.
Can I tell you guys a secret? I keep the spoon on my nose with glue.
- I have to go the ER to get it off.
- The [bleep.]
? So, are you womens of the year? We don't know actually.
We bailed after 10 minutes.
Yeah, these things are kind of a snooze.
- So what did you do all night? - Oh, you know, girl stuff.
- Mani-pedis.
- I knew it.
While you girls were out tonight, we held a Man Awards.
- Oh yeah, did you win anything? - No, I didn't even win Weakest because they wanted Tim to feel included.
He didn't even earn it.
His superpower is transforming into a 600 pound man.
I'm telling you, this everybody gets a trophy culture, it doesn't work if everybody doesn't get a trophy.
Well, even though you didn't get any trophies, I have a nice surprise for you.
- Oh yeah? - Prock, I'm pregnant.
We're having a baby.
Yep, my arm's broken.
How am I supposed to know that you're high if you won't let me touch you Whoa oh oh oh oh How am I supposed to know that you're high if you won't even dance Whoa oh oh oh oh How am I supposed to know that you're high if you won't even dance Yeah, you won't even dance
Well, what was I going to do, let you pick something out? Two women who think haute couture is when the dressing room at Kmart gets a little sweaty? No way, let a fashionisto handle this.
Hey, who's this sexy lady and what have you done with Concierge? Oh, you.
Seriously, what have you done with Concierge? Why are you guys all dressed up? Another adult thing I'm not invited to? Because we're going to Chic Magazine's Women of the Year Award.
It's like the Nobel Prize for women, if women were - allowed to win the Nobel Prize.
- Frantic, you can't go.
Whaaat? But I had Impresario make this tux for me.
- It's for women only.
- Although I've always considered gay men the women of the male community.
Yeah, I want to go.
"Women only" that's sexist.
Men want to look at girls' butts too.
We're not going there to look at girls' butts.
- Oh, you're a breast man.
- We're going to support other women.
- Oh, so you're a bra man.
- That doesn't make any sense.
It makes a little bit of sense.
Well, I'm glad you three are representing The Awesomes tonight.
You're gonna do great.
And you'll be excited to hear that my mom is giving the keynote.
- That's great.
- Son of a bitch! Where's Hotwire, by the way? We were supposed to leave five minutes ago.
This feels awesome This feels awesome Yeah, this feels awesome Yeah, well, this feels awesome This feels awesome This feels awesome This feels so awesome Behind every great woman is another great woman.
Behind that great woman is a third great woman.
And behind that woman, perhaps a man who is transitioning to be a woman.
Baby girl, have you been eating too many foods? You look lumpy where you normally look skinny.
Oh, I think it might be the dress.
It's very unflattering.
But who are all these great women? They're women just like you.
Oh, my God, I cannot believe Muscleman tried to sneak in here in drag.
Muscleman, get out of here! - What, no, I'm Muscleman's sister! - Musclegirl, I am so sorry.
I haven't seen you since your wedding on Ape Island.
_ - Wow, Concierge, that was rude.
- All right, let's go.
Wait, no, but I want to see the In Memoriam.
- Jaclyn Stone.
- Hotwire.
I've been looking forward to seeing you.
I never had a chance to say no hard feelings about Prock.
I've so moved on and I just want you guys to be happy.
Thanks, Jaclyn.
However, now that I'm seeing you in person it brings it all back and I'm furious again.
- So, hard feelings? - Hard feelings, rock hard.
Well, I don't forgive you either, Hotwire.
- Prock was my soul mate.
- Musclegirl, you're married.
Um, just because I'm in a legal union with an ape doesn't mean Prock isn't my soul mate, okay? Besides, apes don't have souls.
Ooh, you're married to a monkey? That's hilarious.
Does he play the cymbals? Ugh, I wish.
He's an orthodontist.
Mm, hello, former Awesomes.
Heh.
Great dress, Musclegirl.
- I love what it does for your delts.
- Joyce, you seem so happy.
Of course, tonight is a night where we honor women.
That's so important, especially in our field.
There was a time when the world of superheroes was dominated by men, and yet look at us and all we have achieved.
Wow, that's so nice.
Of course, for Concierge, Hotwire, and Gadget Gal, those achievements are sullied by the recent mess - you've made of things.
- Less nice.
Still, there's no place I'd rather be than here, talking to you, my respected colleagues, my friends, my sisters.
Oh, damn, I just remembered a very important engagement I have to run off to.
And I really should be getting back home to my ape husband.
And I have to wake up early for court.
It's important to get a good night's sleep before you sue someone's balls off.
Oh, I am just now remembering that I also have to come up with an excuse off the top of my head.
Wait, what's going on? Why are all of you leaving - and what's with the blinking watches? - I know what's going on here.
You're the new Dames of Danger! - Gadget Gal, keep your voice down! - The Dames of Danger, the top secret, all-female special ops team? I've heard the legends, but I never thought it was real.
Oh, it's real.
The Dames started back when male superheroes were off fighting World War II.
I was a member at one point.
They made a movie about us.
But since it was a secret organization, they had to change the spying to "lady baseball.
" Mom, you're in the Dames of Danger? I can't tell you, baby, 'cause it's a secret.
That's the first thing they told me when I joined the Dames of Danger.
Enough small talk; We just got a mission.
And if you like action and intrigue, you're welcome to tag along.
What do you say, ladies, you in? - Yep! - Yeah! Mm, I don't know.
I might stay here.
These awards are pretty interesting.
Women with names, names like Abigail, Abby, Abbi with an I, - Aida, Adrian, Agatha.
- Okay, I'm in.
Guys, we have a mission.
Figure out where to order dinner from.
Oh, I know, can we do Vietnamese peasant food? I know a great place, except they do not deliver or let you pick up, and they're always closed.
Let's call that Mexican place that has Impresario's credit card numbers.
I'll pick it up.
Who has my credit card numbers? Did someone say Mexican food? I have super hearing.
Are you just constantly listening to hear if we're doing something cool? What? No.
I-I live at Awesome Mountain.
My life rules and yours doesn't.
I do not miss you and I am not desperate to hang out with you.
- Hey, Perfect Man, you want in? - Yes, whatever it is, yes! We're having a little guys' night.
All the girls went to some stupid award show.
Like we get it, you're women, here's your prize for not having a penis.
Cool, is the prize shaped like a penis? - No, it is not.
- Right.
'Cause the Pee Buddy Award is shaped like a penis.
What do you think the Peabody Award is for? - Is it not about urinating with friends? - No, it is not.
What?! Joyce, I'm a little surprised.
You're a superhero? Yes, I'm an administrator by day, but when the pencil pushing is done, - I transform into the Fireplug.
- Do you have a power? My short, stumpy body becomes a battering ram.
Watch.
- Damn, Fireplug.
- Ted, are you okay? Just get these canapÃÂÃ Â s to table five.
Welcome to the Dames of Danger top secret headquarters.
Wait, the Dames of Danger headquarters is a ladies' room? The Dames of Danger headquarters is any ladies' room.
Mr.
Danger.
Dames, you have a mission.
Backstory has stolen highly sensitive, classified information from the government, and we need you to retrieve it.
- Who's Backstory? - Ugh, only the most annoying villain ever.
Known for having the most complicated backstory of all time, both of Backstory's parents were murdered when he was 10.
- So that's why he became a villain? - No, bare with me.
He was adopted by eccentric scientist Bjorn Bjornson who accidentally exposed Backstory to a burst of radiation.
- Which gave him powers.
- Not quite.
But while he was in the hospital for radiation poisoning.
Wait, can you see us? - Yeah.
- So you just have a camera in a ladies' bathroom? In every ladies' bathroom.
Please, now isn't the time to worry about where my many cameras are.
We have a situation.
You know, this mission sounds kind of dangerous.
Yeah, it is, we're the Dames of Danger.
Well, I might just hang back here.
Hotwire, you're like the most daring female superhero there is.
Yeah, you even just won an award for that.
Ha, "Might just hang back here.
" Good one, Hotwire.
Oh, I get it.
Hey, Mr.
Danger, you're gonna need to reimburse this place for the toilet.
That thing is done.
Jesus, again? Let's go kick some ass! - Royal flush, baby.
- Um, we're playing Uno.
No guys' night is complete without a panty raid.
Woo-hoo! Um, be careful, that's my wife's underwear.
That's my underwear, put it back! Hey, you want to see who can do the best party trick? I can balance a spoon on my nose.
Check it out.
Oh, those are pretty good too.
Mr.
Awesome says he saved the world 995 times.
But did you know he's actually only saved the world 994 times? Mr.
Awesome's opponent is really struggling.
So, what's it like over at Awesome Mountain now? It's fine, I guess.
I feel like we're doing less superhero stuff and more running for president stuff.
Like the other day we rescued a bunch of babies from The Cradle Snatcher, but before we returned them to their families your dad made sure he got a bunch of pictures kissing them; It was weird.
And now, we return to the Women of the Year Awards.
I cannot believe those sexist, racist girls.
- Why are they racist? - Uh, they didn't invite Impresario.
Seeing them shine on the red carpet is my reward, 'cause that's all I'm gonna get from them cheap ass ladies.
Right; You know what, I'm sick of men being oppressed.
It's always women, women, women.
When are men going to have our turn in the spotlight? We should have a Man Awards.
Dames, this is the casino where Backstory's men hang out.
We need to do whatever it takes to get information about his whereabouts.
Security systems in places like this are easy to hack.
- I can get into the main frame - Excuse me, Concierge, but this is not The Awesomes.
I call the shots here, and I already have a plan.
Which is? We're going to use our powers of seduction.
Jesus, again? Joyce, that's the only plan you ever have.
Well, I'm sorry, but that's what lady spies do.
We dress sexy and we get info.
- That doesn't sound very progressive.
- It's not.
We are powerful, super smart, super women, and we take our orders from a weird dude in a [bleep.]
mirror.
That's right, blonde lady.
We should be celebrating our womanhood, especially on the night of the "Chick" Woman Magazine Awards.
- Chic, mom.
- Oh, thank you, baby.
I bought it at Marshall's.
Well, I define womanhood as being able to be powerful - in any way we choose.
- Actually, that's a decent argument.
And I choose using my rockin' bod to make men drool and give me what I want.
And right now, I want information, and possibly to get laid, so let's go! I'll say it again because it bears repeating.
Damn, Fireplug! So, after this, you'll give me a ride home.
May the best seductress win.
It's not cheating on your husband if it's for your job, right? Ooh, that one kind of looks like Prock.
Hello, I'm Lady Malocchio, and all of this can be yours in return for informations.
Look, my power is getting information.
What if I use my power, but with a little sexy twist, - while still being a progressive feminist.
- Ooh, good luck.
- Can I buy you a drink? - Well, hello, handsome.
How about we each buy our own drinks - and then have a discussion as equals? - No, sounds bad.
He's kinda right, it did sound bad.
- Yep.
- I'd love to see you do better.
- Hey.
- Hi there.
Let's cut through the bull[bleep.]
.
I want information about Backstory, and if you give me what I want, I will give you not what you want, but what I want to give you.
And I assure you that once you experience the thing I want to give you, it will be the only thing you will ever want for the rest of your life.
I don't know who Backstory is, but is there anything I can do to get the thing you want to give me.
- No, goodbye.
- Please! I'm beggin' you! - Tell me where he is.
- Gadget Gal! Seduction.
Oh, right.
Tell me where he is! And the award for Best Hair goes to: Me, Perfect Man.
Aw, man, look at my wave! It costs $600 a month to keep my mullet this shade of nectarine.
Why does Perfect Man get to host? I'd be so good, I'm the perfect blend of gravitas and irreverence.
Don't be upset, at least he let you write his banter.
Up next, a superhero who puts the "sum" in Awesomes, Impresario.
Because of Impresario's credit card debt? Dammit, Prock, these are all stinkers.
Thanks for the club soda.
I'm pregnant.
Wow, you're actually the first person I've told.
I've been too nervous to tell my boyfriend or my coworkers.
Is that normal oh, you're gone.
The art of seduction is harder than I thought.
No one would even let me kiss them, let alone tell me about Backstory.
I guess we're just not the seducing type of girls.
Where's Joyce, by the way? Woo-hoo! Hey, you, get in here.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Not one award, for real.
And now the Most Desperate for an Award Award.
This could be your chance! - And the winner is: Frantic! - Oh, thank you, thank you.
You like me, you really like me! First, I'd like to thank my high school track coach, Coach Dandy, who saw something special in me at a time when others found me abrasive and annoying.
I'd also like to thank my lovin' partner Steven, we did it, boo! Without you, I might be desperate, but not Most Desperate for an Award.
Oh, and I should also thank everyone at CAA, which is something I always hear but do not know what it means.
- Time's up! - Oh, come on, Impresario! This is my big moment.
You know our next presenter as Prock's stepdad and an all-around good guy.
Presenting the award for Best at Replying to Emails, - please welcome Jeffrey.
- Thank you.
Webster's dictionary defines emails Oh no, not the Webster's dictionary move.
See, this is why Bruce Vilanch is worth his weigh in gold.
But I didn't get my one phone call.
I was going to call one of those TV psychics because they can be so expensive.
How are we ever going to find Backstory? Did you get any information, Joyce? I learned what motorboating is.
Does that count? Ugh, I don't feel so good.
Ugh, don't be such a prude, Hotwire.
It's a natural act.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I'll wash it off.
- You're damn right you will.
- Hey, bro, we ain't got time for that.
We have to meet Backstory at the docks by midnight.
Good work, Hotwire.
I guess in the game of rock, puking, seduction, puking beats seduction.
It's 11:30, Backstory should be here soon.
- So you aren't gonna drop me off? - Come on, it's fun! Just us girls hanging out, bonding like sisters, telling each other secrets.
You want to know how much Perfect Man makes? In my experience, nothing bonds ladies like an old-fashioned bitch session.
Great, I get my super strength from anger, so let me start.
Couldn't they at least have gotten us a less sexist van? It's not easy being a female superhero! Why the term female superhero? No one says male superhero.
You know what sucks about being a female superhero? - You just said it again.
- We're allowed to say it.
It's just like how rap singers can say Gadget Gal, don't! What sucks for female superheroes is dating.
It's like you can't date a regular guy 'cause he's threatened by your powers, and there's only so many eligible superheroes out there.
Yeah, why do you think three of us have dated Prock? I found myself a nice scientist man, but then he turned evil.
Isn't that always the way? I'll tell you what sucks, trying to have it all, be a supportive girlfriend, and a powerful superhero.
And what if I wanted to start a family, huh? Who's gonna save the world when you have to stop to breastfeed? Lactation Lady does it, and she has triplets.
Lock it up, ladies, Backstory's here.
Barbecuing, fixing cars Being a man, being a man If this is what being a man is like, I'm gonna pluck out my single chest hair.
Who does a closing number? Follow the Neil Patrick Harris method, people! - Tried and true.
- # Being a man # Congratulations to all the winners.
Till next year, I'm Perfect Man, and that was a perfect Man Awards.
Prock, you really need to work on your writing.
Promotional considerations provided by Impresario.
What the? You can't have an awards show without gift bags.
- Ooh, Ray-Bans.
- Hey, man, sorry you lost all the categories.
If it makes you feel any better, your jokes were all terrible.
We are so much better than those girls and their dumb "Chick" Magazine Awards.
Look at us, we had this amazing guys' night, put on a whole award show all by ourselves, and what are they doing? Probably winning an award for prettiest dress and then getting mani-pedis or something.
And then I went to live with my Uncle Mortimer.
Now, he worked part-time at a department store.
Oh, my God, so boring.
This guy makes Prock sound like [bleep.]
Sarah Koenig.
Tell me more about this Uncle Marty.
Okay.
Well, a pregnant woman really shouldn't be at a battle.
So if I just stand over here I should be fine.
I don't think anyone will notice me.
Do you even have a power? You're mainly just doing strip mall karate dojo moves.
Hotwire, stop him! Hotwire, how could you just let him get away? - You had a clear shot.
- Yeah, you looked terrified and weak.
Maybe spending time with Prock is contagious.
No, it's not that.
I'm pregnant.
You're pregnant? I'm sorry, I'm just worried about hurting the baby.
I didn't even want to come on this mission.
- You said you'd drop me off! - Hotwire, slow down, it's okay.
Does this mean I'm going to be a grandma? I want to be called Momo, or GrandMooMoo, or Joan if the baby is fancy.
I just didn't know if it was safe to use my power.
Who knows what could happen? After all, it's Prock's baby.
He got a third degree burn from a staticky blanket once.
Wow, no offense, Hotwire, but I gotta say, I kinda dodged a bullet there.
Yeah, me too.
So glad I broke up with him.
- You broke up with him? - Just let me have this.
Ugh, what am I gonna do? What's Prock gonna think? We haven't even talked about having kids.
I didn't think he'd be able to.
I mean, I knew I wanted to have kids some day, but right now I just want to be a superhero.
Hotwire, listen to an old woman who's lived two lives.
My first time around I was all career and carved no time for a husband and family.
That's the way it was and I went with it.
But I've seen things change.
Nowadays, women can have it all, and if anyone could pull it off, you could.
Dames, what happened out there? Huh, you weren't [bleep.]
kidding.
You have cameras in every women's bathroom.
Yes, but it's not weird, we shouldn't focus on it.
As for Backstory, luckily, we still have a shot.
Our intelligence shows he's making the exchange at McAndrews Park.
And don't worry, Hotwire, - we'll keep you well clear of the action.
- Thanks, guys.
We don't have the budget for this! Take it out of my check! - That's a beautiful baby.
- Thank you.
Yeah, she just started teething, so it's a difficult age.
But then, yeah, they're all difficult ages.
You know, at the same time, every day is a gift.
And this afternoon she made an "M" sound, which I have to assume is the beginning of "mama.
" All right, [bleep.]
, where's the data? Where's the data? Where do I begin? - Well Ow! - Tell us, who's your buyer?! - Long Story Ow! - I could do this all day.
No, the villain's name is Long Story.
She's known for telling really long stories about her kids.
- It's so annoying.
- My older one, who is five, is basically the Picasso of finger-painting.
And I don't know if you collect art, but it's worth buying one of his pieces because they're only going to appreciate in value.
- Whoa! - Where is she now? She'll be long gone as long as no one was dumb enough - to ask her about her baby.
- Hotwire! Let me go.
I have to get to Isabella's piano recital.
She's only been playing for a few months, but I can already tell she's gifted.
Ya! - Hotwire, are you okay? - I'm better than okay.
Do you know what this means? She's a villain and a mom! You really can have it all.
Although when I have a baby, I probably won't take it to battles.
Ha, good luck finding a nanny you trust.
You wouldn't believe what happened with our first nanny.
She's Guatemalan Great job, Hotwire.
I'm really happy for you.
- Thanks.
- I hope you have a son and he looks like Prock and I can marry him in 19 years.
Okay, I will definitely be calling the police in advance.
- Congratulations, Dames.
- Hello, this is a ladies' bathroom.
You've completed the mission.
So we saved some really important national security data, huh? Where's Mr.
Danger? Who are you? I'm Agent Van Buren, and actually it turns out the only thing on the stolen drive was pictures of the Dames of Danger going to the bathroom.
Mr.
Danger will no longer be overseeing the team.
- Wow.
- What? I liked him! Oh, you're the girl from the photos.
You should really see a doctor.
So, who's going to replace him? - Probably some other old white guy.
- Not this time, Gadget Gal.
We felt we were long overdue for a change.
And the numerous criminal charges against Mr.
Danger have just nudged us in the right direction.
May I present to you the new leader of the Dames of Danger, Calvin Anderson.
Ladies, looking forward to working with you.
- Man, they made it hard to complain about this.
- Son of a bitch.
Look at the bright side, ladies.
Men are dumb and we can make them do what we want.
And nothing's going to come between me and my Calvin.
Damn, Fireplug.
Can I tell you guys a secret? I keep the spoon on my nose with glue.
- I have to go the ER to get it off.
- The [bleep.]
? So, are you womens of the year? We don't know actually.
We bailed after 10 minutes.
Yeah, these things are kind of a snooze.
- So what did you do all night? - Oh, you know, girl stuff.
- Mani-pedis.
- I knew it.
While you girls were out tonight, we held a Man Awards.
- Oh yeah, did you win anything? - No, I didn't even win Weakest because they wanted Tim to feel included.
He didn't even earn it.
His superpower is transforming into a 600 pound man.
I'm telling you, this everybody gets a trophy culture, it doesn't work if everybody doesn't get a trophy.
Well, even though you didn't get any trophies, I have a nice surprise for you.
- Oh yeah? - Prock, I'm pregnant.
We're having a baby.
Yep, my arm's broken.
How am I supposed to know that you're high if you won't let me touch you Whoa oh oh oh oh How am I supposed to know that you're high if you won't even dance Whoa oh oh oh oh How am I supposed to know that you're high if you won't even dance Yeah, you won't even dance