The Exes (2011) s03e06 Episode Script

Hey, Haskell.
Oh, I'm so excited.
Finally meeting that English girl Charlotte tonight.
We've only talked online so far, but it's been amazing.
- So you haven't seen her yet? - No.
Let me save you some time.
[Bays like a hound.]
Yes, well, my friend, you see, that's the difference between you and me.
To me, looks are not as important as a beautiful soul.
Especially when the soul is as smokin' hot as that.
What are you doing? I'm filing it away for later tonight.
Okay, give me that.
Hey, shot of stoli.
Oh, make it two.
May Sheila Blatsky rot in hell.
- Damn straight! - Mmm.
- Who's Sheila Blatsky? - [Sighs.]
The woman who jumped over me for senior partner.
I have worked harder, billed more hours, and kissed more ass than anyone else at that firm.
But you land one whale of a client, and all of a sudden it's Hubner, Collins, Jones and Blatsky! Oh.
- I hear ya.
- Mm.
And now I feel ya.
Oh.
You know, I just signed the hottest goalie in the league.
My boss called me in the office.
You know what he said to me? "We're going out to celebrate Sheila's promotion, so watch the fort"? No.
He gives me thumbs up and says, - "way to go, Phil!" - Oh.
I've signed more clients to that agency than anyone, and all I get is a "way to go, Phil"? So you know what I said to him.
What? [Meekly.]
"Thank you, sir.
" Whenever I bring up making partner, all I get is, "now's not a good time.
" "Oh, let's see what happens.
" "Please get out of the men's room.
" Well, I'm sick of waiting.
Now's the time we make our move.
- You really think so? - If not now, when? I say tomorrow morning we march into our bosses' office, and we demand the partnerships we deserve.
And we don't take no for an answer.
Well, I'll do it if you do it.
Well, you're doing it, 'cause I'm doing it.
Well, then I'm with you, baby.
Let's do it.
We go big or we go home! Hell, yeah! [Both grunting.]
Hell, yeah.
- Uh-huh.
- Oh, no, not Charlotte.
Hi, I'm Stuart.
Mm-hmm.
And if I may, you are even prettier in person than in your photo.
What a lovely thing to say.
[Laughs.]
[Upbeat pop music.]
okay, Eden, I'm going up to Mr.
Collins' office, and I'm coming back a senior partner.
That's right, 'cause you're a winner.
I'm a winner! Holly Franklin, this is your time.
This is my time.
- You go, girl! - I'm going, baby! Hey, Holly.
Oh, hey, Ted.
Yeah, I just wanted to say good-bye.
Good-bye? What's going on, Ted? Well, I told Mr.
Collins I thought I deserved a raise, and he fired me.
Okay, okay, I'm going.
Yeah, maybe now's not the right time.
- What's the rush? - Yeah, I'll be in my office.
[Meekly.]
You go, girl.
Ooh.
How'd it go with the British bird? [Assumes British accent.]
Did you do a bit of snogging? Give her the ol' steak and kidney pie? [Comic noises.]
Charlotte is an unbelievable woman.
[Sighs.]
There's just one tiny problem.
- Her teeth are a little - Crooked? It's a nightmare! It's like every one of her teeth has five other teeth! So I guess you gave her a bit of the ol' heave-ho.
- Hey, what? - No.
Come on, Haskell, I'm a better person than that.
It's what's on the inside that counts.
Who are you kidding? You're a dentist.
Every time she smiles, she mocks everything you stand for.
And it's eating you up inside.
Admit it.
- Admit it! - Okay, it's killing me! But how can I tell her without her hating me? You can't.
But the drunken stranger can.
The what? It's a Lutz family tradition for delivering bad news.
It's how we told grandpa that grandma wasn't really on vacation.
Allow me to explain.
You take the fair lady snaggletooth to the bar.
I, the drunken stranger, stumble by and insult her teeth.
She takes umbrage, but the message has been delivered, and the drunken stranger staggers into the night.
Uh, uh, uh, and then I comfort her by offering to fix her teeth.
- Jah-jah-jah - Ah! It's genius! Genius! I'm gonna go call her and ask her out right now.
That should put a smile on her face.
Hey, Haskell.
Have you heard from Phil today? No, why? Oh, it's just last night at the bar we made this silly pact about going into our bosses' office and demanding to be partners.
But I don't think he took it seriously.
And you crumbled like a day-old muffin, didn't you? I was gonna do it, I swear.
But then I saw Ted doing the box walk.
And there's nothing more pathetic than a guy doing the box walk.
You mean like that? Here's a bit of the ol' ugly, I wouldn't mind giving a miss.
Hey, Phil.
[Chuckles.]
[Clears throat.]
What's new? - I did it.
- Yeah! I went into my boss and demanded to be made partner - just like we agreed.
- Oh, I wouldn't say agreed.
I mean, we spit-balled it, we mulled it around.
Kicked it up a flagpole.
To tell you the truth, I almost backed down.
Oh.
But then I heard your voice in my head.
"If not now, when? Go big or go home!" And? I went big.
And now I'm home.
So how'd it go with you? Well You did do it, didn't you? Well Oh, my God, you punked out on me! Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! I was gonna do it! I was so pumped and ready! But then this sad little man came in with a sad little box.
Like this one? No, yours is way cooler.
I just feel horrible.
Is there anything I can do? Yeah.
There is.
I went big.
Now you go home.
What? You're asking me to leave? If not now, when? [Mouths.]
Okay See you [Gasps.]
Hi.
Grant, right? You're my 3:00? You're a little ripe for the WNBA.
No, no, I'm not a basketball player.
Flat feet, couldn't jump, and buzzers make me pee a little.
Hi, I'm Holly Franklin.
I'm a friend of Phil chase's.
Phil chase.
Good-looking, snappy dresser, carries a box these days? That's the one.
[Chuckles.]
Look, Phil feels just awful about what happened.
Is there any way you could chalk everything up to a big misunderstanding and just give him his job back? Uh.
I'm gonna have to give this some thought.
Nope, he's still fired.
[Phone rings.]
[Sighs.]
Steve! Ugh! I have to give her the yacht and the summer house? This divorce is gonna drag me right down to middle class.
Ss-ss, I'm sorry, sir.
Excuse me, but that's not necessarily true.
If the boat was a pre-marital asset, it shouldn't fall under equitable distribution.
[Stammers.]
What? H-how do you know this? I'm a divorce lawyer.
Just tell your attorney to read up on domestic relations law 236b.
I got a better idea.
You're fired.
You're hired.
What? You have said smarter stuff in the last 20 seconds, than my guy has said in 500 billable hours.
You really think I would represent you after what you've done to Phil? It's a $10-million divorce.
You wanna work here or my office? Charlotte.
Hello, love.
[Giggles.]
- Shall we? - Mm-hmm.
[Grunts.]
So glad you could make it.
Me too.
Oh, Stuart, just thinking about you today made me smile.
[Giggles.]
[Slurring.]
Is anyone using this chair? Then I will.
- Hello, beautiful.
- Hello.
[Gasps.]
Yikes.
What is this? Shark week? I beg your pardon? The last time I saw a smile like that, it had a candle in its head.
Stuart, please make him stop! Yeah, drunken stranger, I think we've had about enough.
[Stammers.]
It's like looking at a bear trap with lipstick.
[Guffaws.]
[Sobs.]
I can't believe he said those horrid things about my teeth.
You don't feel that way, do you, Stuart? Do you? No.
Your teeth are every bit as beautiful as the rest of you.
You are the sweetest, sweetest man.
[Knock on door.]
Oh, hi, Phil.
Did you go to my boss to try to get my job back? What? That's crazy.
Where'd you get an idea like that? My old assistant saw you there.
Snitch.
Holly, did it work? Because look, I've been pounding the pavement, and there is nothing out there.
So, please, tell me you got my job back.
Well What did he say? He said you're still fired.
That's it? That's all he said.
There was a little bit more, but it's not important.
Holly, what did he say? He kinda, sorta said he wanted me to be his new divorce lawyer.
- [Snickers.]
- What? Oh, man.
Pbbbbt! Now I wish I could've been there when you told him to go to hell.
[Both laugh.]
That is what you said, right? Not on those exact words.
Well, what words did you use? I used "yes.
" So let me get this straight.
I'm still fired, and you got hired? You're looking at this all wrong.
Phil! Big picture.
See, now that grant needs me, I have leverage.
So tomorrow morning, I'm gonna lower the boom.
If you wanna keep me, you gotta take Phil back.
And you think that's gonna work? Have I let you down yet? Twice.
Not only did I get her to give up the yacht, but I also got you the summer house and Wait.
Do you own a llama? It was an impulse buy.
Thought it would save the marriage.
Well, it's all yours.
Sweet.
- Hey, Holly.
- Yeah.
Can I ask you a question about your rich and soon-to-be-single client? You're not dating him.
I don't want to date him.
I just wanna marry him.
For like a year.
No, and don't get too comfortable.
'Cause I'm about to go in there and tell him what I should've told him yesterday.
That either he takes Phil back, or I'm dumping him as a client.
Oh, hello, Holly.
Well, Mr.
Collins.
To what do we owe the pleasure? And let me assure you, sir, it is indeed a pleasure whenever one of the name partners drops by.
Right, Eden? Ah.
Holly, I wanted to come by and congratulate you for landing grant.
Oh.
He's one whale of a client.
Thank you, sir.
I harpooned him meself.
Thar she blows! - Arr, arr! - Holly.
Bringing in a client like this proves your value to this firm.
That's why we're making you senior partner.
[Softly.]
R-really? Senior partner? Yes.
Congratulations again.
[Whispering.]
Thank you.
Just don't lose him.
Oh, my God, I just made senior partner! And I just made assistant to the senior partner! - Oh, no.
- [Squeals.]
[Gasps.]
No, no, no.
Oh, my God.
I promised Phil that I'd confront grant.
But if I do, I'll lose both the whale and the partnership.
No, you cannot do that! These last ten seconds have been amazing.
I can't go back to that gray, empty life.
Maybe maybe now's not a good time to rock the boat.
- Wow.
- What? Your first decision as senior partner, and you killed it.
Hi, Phil.
Oh, yes! Please tell me you have good news.
- Did you get my job back? - Well Oh, no, not the "wells," Holly.
I hate the "wells!" The "wells" never turn out well for me! No, no, no.
No, something really good happened for you today.
Really? What? They made me senior partner.
That is good news for me.
How? Big picture, Phil, big picture.
You see, as senior partner, I have twice as much leverage.
And I can leverage my leverage into clout.
And with clout comes influence.
What are you doing? I'm doing what I should have done in the first place.
Go see grant and try and get my job back.
- [Door shuts.]
- Good.
'Cause I had no idea where I was going with that one.
[Knock on door.]
Hey, grant.
Uh, you got a minute? Here's a blast from the past.
Phil, right? [Fake-laughs.]
That was a good one.
Burn.
So, look, about the other day, - um - Oopsie.
Is this the "I screwed up, and I want my job back" speech? Yeah, it kinda is.
[Sniffs strongly.]
You know, Phil [Sighs.]
It's not easy sitting in the big chair making the tough decisions.
You know what? You do it.
- Huh? - Go ahead.
Sit in my chair.
You be me, I'll be you.
It'll be fun.
Okay, grant.
All right.
[Sighing.]
[Flat.]
Hello, grant.
[Imitates a timid explosion.]
Hello, Phil.
I wanna say what a terrific guy you are for seeing me.
Everyone here thinks the world of you.
You're pretty awesome yourself, Phil.
We miss the big dog around here making all the magic happen.
Really? Even though I stabbed you in the back and made all sorts of crazy demands? You know what? I don't deserve to work here.
I'm sorry, I'll go.
No, wait! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa Hey, Phil! Phil! Phil! - Don't go.
- Why not? Are are you trying to tell me it's cold out there, and I will never find another job as good as this one? I guess I am.
You're a wise, wise man, grant.
Now about the partnership.
Yes.
I understand it's not gonna happen.
So let's pretend that I never brought it up.
And if you take me back, I never will again.
So, grant, you got a heart as big as a bus.
What do you say? Do I have my job back? No.
Wait.
What? Phil, you are just too valuable and talented to sell yourself so short.
And I'm too big of a pompous idiot to see it.
But, Phil, you've got a bright future.
And you're just wasting it here.
So long, grant.
Hi, Charlotte.
- Please, sit down.
- Mm-hmm.
[Clears throat.]
First, [Sighs.]
Let me start by saying you're a special, special woman.
Thank you, Stuart.
- That's so sweet.
- Oh! [Giggles.]
Oh, my God, your teeth! They're beautiful! Surprise! I couldn't wait to come and show you.
It was painful hearing what that horrible man said, but I realized he was right.
So I got them fixed.
It's fantastic! I mean, not that I ever noticed.
No.
You're amazing.
I mean, it never bothered you.
You were able to see beyond it.
That's what I love about you.
Well, why don't we take those teeth out on the town? All right.
Ready? Oh! Both: Sorry.
- Oh! - Sorry.
Holy crap, Stuart! It worked! She fixed those donkey teeth! What worked? Stuart, you know this man? Oh, my God! You had this drunken lout say those horrible things to me.
Drunken stranger.
You don't want to meet the drunken lout.
- Charlotte, I-I-I - Good-bye, Stuart.
Did you see that girl? What a knockout, huh? Sadly, Stuart misplayed his hand.
Oh.
I will kill you, drunken stranger! - Oh, don't kill him! - I'm gonna kill him! - Oh, God, don't! - Come back here! - [Gasps.]
- Hey, Holly.
Hi, so tell me you got your job back.
[Falsetto voice.]
Well So you didn't? - Well - Oh, enough with the "wells!" God, that's so annoying! He offered me my job back.
Oh, thank God.
But I turned him down.
What? Are you crazy? I realized I didn't want to spend the next 20 years waiting for some nut-job to decide my future for me.
And the truth is, I've always wanted to start my own agency.
And I figured, if not now, then when? Congratulations.
I think I deserve a little of the credit.
Just a small piece, you know? Tiny piece.
Nothing.
Wait, you know?