The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air s03e06 Episode Script

Hi, Will.
- Hey, how're you doing, Lindsey? - Are you going to the Lakers game? I wish.
I don't have no tickets.
Isn't that a coincidence? Here I am with two tickets to the Lakers game, and no one to go with.
You enjoy yourself tonight, all right? Too bad you can't make it.
The seats are center court.
We can go in my dad's limo and I have passes to the after-game party - but, yeah, well.
- Wait, wait.
Whoa.
I mean, hey.
Who am I to be so selfish? What do you say you pick me up around 8:00? Just for tonight, how about you let your buns down? Geoffrey, you look great today.
Have you done something different with your hair? Yes.
I stopped pulling it out.
What are you selling? Okay, I'm hawking candy bars.
They're only $5.
Marvelous.
With what I'm paid I should be able to afford one by the end of the day.
You poor, pathetic gigolo.
How could any self-respecting man sell himself so cheap? Like I don't hear enough of that from my mother.
- I was talking to Will.
- Of course.
Why would anyone talk to me? I am but a poor, lowly servant.
Carlton, I'm saying, what's your damage, man? I mean, Lindsey just can't resist me.
It's just a Laker game, you know? Hey, besides, you know what they say about guys with big ears? They can fly? Vivian, I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Philip, I don't see why you don't want to run.
He's probably afraid he'll crack the concrete.
Will, the Allied Political Coalition just asked your uncle - to run for Superior Court Judge.
- Yeah.
Those imbeciles are trying to railroad Judge Robertson off the bench.
I can't believe that.
Judge Robertson? They had the audacity to try to do that to Judge Robertson? Who the hell is Judge Robertson? He was your uncle's mentor and quite a colorful person.
He was a little bit eccentric.
But he taught me the true meaning of the word "justice.
" There were times I didn't think I was going to make it through school, but he wouldn't let me quit.
I never would have gotten through law school without him.
What'd he do? Have the halls widened? That was a good one.
For your information he taught me not only the spirit, but the letter of the law.
God bless him.
And I consider it an insult for anyone to try to get him out of office.
What do you think, Will? I think I should have never said nothing about them halls.
So did everybody watch LA's favorite weather girl today? No.
Well, I was the bright spot, as usual.
I wore my new Versace.
So what's the weather going to be like tomorrow, honey? What am I, psychic? Oh, please, let me get it this time.
Hilary.
You look so beautiful today.
I was born beautiful.
What are you selling? - Okay, I'll give you 10o/o off.
- I'll take two.
Master William, Miss Lindsey to see you.
Miss Lindsey, this is most inappropriate.
I couldn't possibly It's Ben.
Thank you.
- Lindsey, what are you doing here? - Will.
Honey, that is no way to talk to your guest.
Hi, I'm Vivian, Will's aunt.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
Will, can I talk to you for a minute? Right this way, money Honey.
I'm sorry.
Lindsey, what's up? I had a great time the other night.
It was magic.
- What did you do? - I'm talking about us, silly.
I didn't want the night to end.
Well, you know, nights do that sometimes.
Look, Will.
Since we had so much fun the other night, I was wondering if we could spend some time together.
Look, Lindsey.
I mean, I'd really love to.
I mean but I have obligations.
I have commitments.
I have a gold watch.
So how about a little thank-you kiss? Thank you.
Yo, G, here's the whipped cream you wanted for dinner.
Who said it was for dinner? Hey, Carlton, what time is it? I'm sorry, I almost forgot.
I'm only wearing the finest timepiece ever made.
This gold model was handcrafted in Switzerland by the finest of craftsmen.
Keeps time accurate to within three seconds a year.
Love the Casio.
Will, you're nothing more than a trollop a strumpet, a love slave, sans the love.
I'm sorry, Carlton, I couldn't hear you.
My damn watch was just ticking so loud.
You just don't have the fortitude to say no.
Carlton, please.
I mean, I have no choice.
I'm the chosen one.
I mean, take Moses when he was asked to part the Red Sea, did he say, "No, y'all build a dam"? - Vivian, do I look okay? - Philip, honey, would you relax? - We're just having company for dinner.
- It's not just company.
It's Judge Robertson.
He's done so much for me over the years, this is my chance to finally pay him back.
Baby, we're just having pot roast.
- Is the judge here, yet? - No, honey, not yet.
Good, then I have plenty of time to plant this.
- Hilary, what is that? - It's a bug.
They gave it to me down at the newsroom.
If I can scoop some dirt on Judge Robertson it could mean a big promotion.
I feel just like Deborah Norville, except I have a job.
Hilary, forget it.
This man is our guest.
Let's just show him the respect he deserves.
Here comes the judge.
Here comes the judge.
Order in the court! Here comes the judge.
It wouldn't kill you to crack a smile, you know.
Judge Robertson, it's so good to see you, sir.
It's so easy to see you, Philip.
Looks like you haven't stepped on the scales of justice in quite some time.
Did you hear what he said? He was I'm laughing at something that happened yesterday.
I'm done now.
I remember you.
You're Carlton.
I've known you since you were yea high.
Ain't nothing wrong with his memory.
You got that right.
Forget everything you heard about me.
There may be snow on the roof, but there's still fire in the furnace.
And hello, Vivian.
Philip, your wife gets more youthful with every passing year.
No, excuse me, Judge, no, this is my daughter Hilary.
This is my wife, Vivian.
You've aged.
And what the hell is that you're wearing? Why don't we come over here? Dinner is served.
Benson.
I didn't know you were really a butler.
That Judge Robertson's quite a character.
But, Aunt Viv, how come he keep calling you Weezie? I am sorry, Philip, that man is beyond eccentric.
I asked him to pass the salt.
He told me to go long.
- He was joking, Vivian.
- Philip, he broke a window.
He's a sexist pig.
Hilary, that's not true.
He's pro-choice.
Daddy, he said the only choice a woman should have is with or without the lights on.
See, now that's disgusting.
The lights should be off.
Believe me, son.
The only time a woman should sit on the bench is when she's waiting for a bus.
That's ridiculous.
What if she's serving coleslaw at a picnic? Point taken.
You have the makings of a fine judge.
So Judge Robertson you were telling us about your most recent decision.
Yes, I had this boy before me recently no preponderance of evidence in either way.
It was a tough call, but in the end, I had to convict.
- How did you decide? - You see, the prosecutor was a babe so after I decided in her favor, she decided in mine.
Lordy, look at the time.
Judge, let me walk you to your car.
Good, maybe you can remember where I parked.
- Hi, Will.
- Lindsey, how you doing? Will, I was wondering, if you'd like to go with me to the autumn dance.
Wow.
Look, Lindsey, now I mean, you've been very generous, you know, but I just can't Motorcycle helmet.
But, Lindsey, I mean, I can't take Wow, a motorcycle jacket with Malcolm on it.
I can ride and be righteous at the same time.
- Look, but, Lindsey, I'm sorry - These go to your new Harley-Davidson.
Now what were you gonna say? Thank you.
Yeah, right, like you wouldn't take it.
- Will.
- Hey.
- How did this get on the patio? - No, don't worry, Aunt Viv.
I was careful when I drove it through the house.
- I mean where did it come from? - The Harley factory.
Will, it came from Lindsey, didn't it? Now, what I want to know is what does she get in return? All the rides she wants, Aunt Viv.
You are acting like a pimp.
Come on, hold up now.
That is totally unfair, Aunt Viv.
If a man was buying a woman all these gifts nobody would have anything to say about it, right? Honey, it doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman.
If you don't care for someone, you shouldn't accept gifts.
And it diminishes you every time you accept something from Lindsey.
Now you were not raised that way, boy, and you know it.
Now you know what you need to do, don't you? Yeah, put out.
I know.
I got to give all this stuff back.
- And? - And got to be honest with her.
And you know that's right.
If I keep the bike, I'm a pimp.
If I give it back, I'm a damn fool.
Well, pimp it is.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi, baby.
Chocolate? Forget it, honey.
At $5 a pop, I'm not sharing.
I am so angry.
Okay, here.
You can have a bite.
No, it's about Judge Robertson.
You know, he is sitting up on that bench for all the wrong reasons.
Unless somebody runs against him, he'll be up there forever.
Well, who'd you have in mind? I don't know.
Somebody dynamic, principled.
Someone who looks good in a black robe.
Jesse Jackson? No, me.
I know, baby.
I always thought you'd make a fabulous judge.
You sure, baby? I mean, this could mean big changes for all of us.
I know, but it could also mean big changes for the people in this city.
Maybe for the better.
- I love you, Vivian.
- I love you, too, Philip.
Get your hands off my chocolate, or you're a dead man.
Here's Judge Robertson at that big student anti-war rally, remember? He was the only professor that had guts enough to go up against the administration.
- I can't believe it.
- Trust me, Hilary.
He was a great man and a hell of a lawyer.
No, I mean, that those women didn't shave under their arms.
Hey, Uncle Phil, hold up.
Who's that skinny, weird dude standing next to you? That's me.
That's a relief, 'cause I was about to wonder why Uncle Phil was holding that dude's hand.
Look, he'll be here any minute.
How am I going to tell him that I'm running against him? I mean, how do you tell somebody that used to be your hero that he's become completely incompetent? Well, big guy, may I suggest using flash cards with really big pictures? Don't worry, sweetheart, if he's the man that you think he is, he'll understand.
If he's the man I think he is, he'll probably get lost on his way to the bathroom.
Judge Robertson.
- Thanks, Benson.
- For the last time, sir I am not Benson.
Sure, right.
- How are you doing, Judge? - I'm fine, yeah.
Well, we'll leave you two alone.
Come on, kids.
Good night, nice seeing you again.
Not only has she aged, she has a beer belly.
- That's my wife and she's pregnant.
- Then she should lay off the beer.
Would you take a seat, please? Judge Robertson, I hear that you're running for reelection and And you want to make a big fat contribution.
Good.
Make the check out to cash.
In fact, why don't you just give me the cash? Or maybe that ring.
That's good.
No, Carl.
Look, there's something I want to tell you - but I can't seem to find the words.
- Well, where did you have them last? No.
I'm talking about what's happened to you.
- I'll be frank.
- Okay, and who am I? No.
Look, what I'm trying to say is that maybe you've served the community long enough and as your friend, I think I should tell you that well, maybe it's time for you to retire.
Me, retire? Oh, Frank.
Have you lost your mind? I mean, this is the cushiest job in town.
I get free coffee, validated parking I don't have to wear pants, and besides, there's no one to run against me.
Yes, there is.
- Who? - Me.
You! You've got to be kidding.
You don't know the first thing about running for office.
- I taught you about law, not politics.
- Look, the point is I'm going to run against you, and I thought I should tell you face to face.
Oh, yes? Well, let me tell you something face to face.
I am a very worthy opponent.
And I can see myself in your head.
Benson, my car.
Wow.
Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.
Judge? Hey, what's going on? What are you doing here? - I don't know, don't I live here? - No, Judge, you don't.
No wonder the garage door opener didn't work.
It took forever to pry it open.
- Look, Judge.
- Juice? No.
No, thanks.
Look I got some problems, you know, I got to deal with tonight.
- Woman problems.
- Women.
They've been a problem ever since they got the right to vote.
Sit down, son, sit down.
Talk to me, sonny, talk to me.
I've had my share of problems with women.
Actually, Judge, it's this girl at school, Lindsey, right? She just keep buying me all these fly gifts.
So what's the problem? - Well, I'm not really attracted to her.
- So what's the problem? My Aunt Viv told me that, you know it's not right to accept gifts from people that, you know - you're not really attracted to.
- Look, son I remember when I was your age, there was this girl I didn't like her that much she was always buying me gifts, dinner, taking me out.
Heck, she even offered to send me through law school.
- So what did you do? - What else? I married her.
- Pie? - No, thanks, Judge.
So, wait, you're just going to tell me that you got together with this girl, and you had this long, incredible, wonderful life.
I wish I could tell you that.
But the truth is, I dumped her after law school.
I'm sorry, Judge, that's too bad.
No, it's okay.
We split everything down the middle.
I got the money, the house, the car, the boat, and she got to keep the kids.
- Pie? - No.
No, thanks.
So you're saying that you just kept all this stuff that she gave you, even after y'all broke up? Damn straight.
Possession is nine-tenths of the law, my boy.
Yo.
Look, Lindsey, I told you I'm busy.
But /'m in the neighborhood, rea//y c/ose.
How close, Lindsey? Princess Leia! May the force be with you.
- Will, somebody broke into your garage.
- Quick, call the police.
Lindsey, can I talk to you for a second? Look, what are you doing here? - As if I didn't know, right? - It's over, Will.
- See what I'm saying? It's what? - Over.
- But why? - Why ask why? Look at her.
I'm not attracted to you, Will.
- Yeah.
Yes, you are.
- No.
No, I'm not.
- I've never been attracted to you.
- Well Then why did you buy me all this stuff? Well, you're captain of the basketball team you're popular, and being seen with you at the autumn dance made me popular, too.
But now your job is done.
That woman is ruthless.
You ever think about going into politics? - Yeah.
As a matter of fact, l - Whoa.
I'm saying, Lindsey, I mean, what about me as a person? What about the way that my cheeks dimple when I smile? And what color are my eyes? Look at you all quiet.
You don't even know.
Who cares? Who cares? I feel so used, so cheap.
You certainly weren't cheap.
Cost me a fortune.
I want my stuff back.
Now.
- Wait.
But - Now! You take this ring back, 'cause my mother don't scream at me like that.
Watch back, and you can take this jacket back.
Nice meeting you, young lady.
Be sure to rock the vote.
Good night.
You know, Judge I never thought saying goodbye would be so hard.
I really loved that watch.
He was a little eccentric.
But, he traught Taught me that.
And soon as I say this Let's do it again.
- He traught you? - Yeah, he traught me.
- What'd he traught you? - He traught me how to Oops.
- And /et's go do this again.
- Damn.