The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret (2010) s03e06 Episode Script
The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret
And yea, verily, doth it be decreed in Book Three, Chapter Six in which the Catalyst, as metaphor, truly reaches the end of his journey.
Ipso facto, completus.
So everyone's ready, yeah? You've all packed your toothbrushes and your jim-jams? Trustin' everyone's got a clean pair of undies on.
Don't worry about money or any of that.
You won't be needin' that where we're goin'.
Of course, you have transferred your remaining funds into the church bank account, but, again, we won't be needin' that.
But, again, you have transferred it.
So, again, we won't actually be needing it, but as I say, you have transferred it.
Again, we won't actually be needing it, but it is fair to say you have transferred it.
So any questions? Uh, yeah, the one in the sweatshirt.
Where are we going? The first place we're going is Heathrow Airport.
Now, as you know, we have dispatched Brother Wilts to pick up the Catalyst and bring him to us.
So soon, brothers, the prophecy will be fulfilled.
Yes.
So the charges are as follows Possession of a rape kit, antisocial behavior, money laundering, bioterrorism, forgery.
- You're confessing to all of this? - Yes.
- Do you have proof of these things? - No.
I haven't done them yet, but I will.
- And then and then I blow up the world.
- I see.
Please, you've gotta lock me up.
Preferably in a nonce wing.
- Are you a nonce? - I don't know.
I don't even know what that means.
It's something I've dreamt about.
Look, if you're just trying to get laid, there are other less prison-y places.
No, that's not what this is abou Megathrax! That was me, that was me.
Look on your CCTV tape.
That's me.
I was crawling out of the car.
Lock me up.
Nice try, sir, we've already apprehended the suspect.
How? That was me.
I was there.
No, it was Lord Mountford's son's driver.
Why would he frame his driver? See, this is all part of his master plan.
- You've so you're not gonna arrest me? - No, sir.
What am I doing wrong? I don't understand I I know what it is.
I have to dig up Princess Diana's corpse with a dildo at midnight.
That's it.
I should have thought of that before I came in here.
I'm sorry to waste your time.
I'll see you in a few hours.
Uh, wh where's the nearest place that I can get a dildo? Big, big one, red.
The Big Red Dildo Store, SoHo.
All right, SoHo.
Okay.
Now, Todd Margaret, what have you got? Sir, we're not comfortable with the position you are putting us in.
Uh-uh, not another word.
You're fired.
Get out.
Now, what have you got? Okay, what if we do the old 100 pizzas delivered to his flat prank? You're fired.
Next.
All right, what if you create this fake self-help guide, yeah? And he has a series of self-help CDs and you send those to Todd Margaret in his office in America.
And you have another guy who's in the same company, but in a different location, and when he tries to bury his I.
D.
at Princess Diana's grave with a dildo, he gets arrested.
- Simple.
- No.
That is literally the opposite of simple.
I've clearly wasted my time with you lot.
You're fired.
You're fired as well.
And in semi-tragic news, Alice Bell, racist chef beloved by the right, has died.
Tributes continue to pour in from Argentina - She was just so - and the American South.
When we come back, I've got the new one from Stormfront.
That Todd Margaret's gonna pay for this.
It's David Mountford.
I want to speak with Billy the Cheesegrater.
Well, tell him he's un-retired.
See you tonight, ladies.
He's here.
Take care of it.
Call me as soon as it's done.
- Excuse me, miss.
- Yeah.
Do you know where Cumberland Heights is? Uh, yeah, that's not too far from here.
I think it's a bit down this road here.
Keep going until Oh, there you are.
Yeah, it sucks.
Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie.
We'll get through this.
Oh, sweetheart, what's the road to turn on down here to get to Cumberland Heights? Oh, that's Kentish Road, right? Or, no.
Wait, uh, is it the shit one or the nice one? - Sir? - Trevor, you understand why it's important that Todd remain free, yes? Yeah, so Billy can take his time to make him suffer.
I want you to know that everything will be done - to make arrangements for your family.
- Thank you, sir.
- What was it you wanted again? - Oh, for a wife, - I'd like a 28-year-old Filipino with big tits.
- Got it.
And for my daughter step-daughter, let's keep our options open.
Another 28-year-old Filipino with big tits? The heart wants what the heart wants.
Is it weird if they're twins? Ooot and Aboot with Hudson Bear Come on now, gang, it's that time again.
Some of us have got to hibernate for the winter.
But you can't go to sleep now, Hudson Bear.
There's still so much more to do.
Well, that's what nature wants us to do, Olly Otter.
Now, Todd Marmot, stop your dilly dallying and put on your PJs.
How can you go to sleep now, knowing the whole forest is gonna be destroyed? All because of me.
Todd, you took the logger's lunch but he's not destroying the forest because of that.
It would have happened anyway.
I wish I could go to sleep forever and never wake up.
Well, why would you say something like that? Because then I couldn't cause any more trouble.
Now, Todd, why don't you just put on your pajamas and I'll make you a cup of my special tea.
That will help you get some rest.
You can dream about a better world where people like Dave the Logger will think twice before messing with us.
- Hurry up, will you? - I am.
Here it is, Boswell Street.
Two streets down to the left.
Come on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ah! "Good-bye, everyone.
I've chosen to take my life in order to save yours.
No " The world.
I had a dream.
No, not a dream, but like, uh Not a vision, what is it? What's the word? What's the word? Not a I mean, a dream that's not, uh I had I had a dream that told me it was true.
Uh Not a vision The dream ca came true.
No, it told me it was tr No, it was true.
It came tr Jesus Christ.
Why didn't I write this thing before I took the dru - Before - In breaking news, the Megathrax threat has been negated.
Tests have come back revealing that the strain of Megathrax is now thought to be benign.
The quarantine has been lifted.
And MP Jeremy Stephenson was first on the scene and conducted a press conference saying, "Thank God the situation has been reversed.
We can all sleep soundly.
" It's working.
The sacrifice is Todd? Todd, you in here, buddy? Todd.
Todd.
What'd you do? Had a couple? Tie one on? Come on.
Time to get up.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, Todd.
Todd.
Todd, Todd.
Hello, yes.
I need an ambulance right away at Cumberland Heights.
Please hurry! He's in real trouble! Okay, you have a good one, too.
Thank you.
Oh, Todd.
Todd, come on.
Come on.
Oh, I know what'll get Todd, oh, God.
Here.
Todd, Todd, drink some.
Oh, come on, Todd.
Oh, stay with me, Todd.
Don't quit on me now! Clear.
Charging 200.
Clear.
No, no, no, no, no.
No.
No, do it again, do it again.
One more.
- One more time, one more time.
- Sir, we're doing everything we can.
I know you are, but three you gotta do everything in threes.
Everybody knows that.
That's like a universal given.
Here we go.
Charge 200.
Clear.
No! No! God, Todd, you can't die! No, you're the Catalyst.
Todd, you're the Catalyst.
- And I need to know the jumping off point.
- Sir, please.
Oh, God, no, no, no.
Fudge, fudge, fudge, fudge, fudge.
You're the Catalyst! So Todd Margaret must have done something pretty horrid to you to put in a call to Billy the Cheesegrater.
Yes, Father, I wanted a slow death.
Nietzsche and Kant both suggest that the self is void of meaning It's a left down here.
Wait a minute, is that a gypsy? I mean, is it right? ã500,000 for my bathroom? Over ã2,000,000 for my unmade bed.
I mean, I just feel like a bit of a fraud sometimes.
Are you crazy? This is worth like 50 grand at least! Attention passengers, this will be my last flight.
I just found out that my book on passports has been turned into a movie by Universal Studios! It will be starring Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson.
Oh, no.
I worked in the newsagent.
I worked in the family restaurant.
I'm better than that.
I mean, how long do I have to wait before I get a real opportunity? Well, for now, you're going to have to be patient, too.
Have you got a table for one, please? Oh, my God.
This is a sign.
Read it.
Fantastic.
I so rarely read nonfiction.
Oh, no! It's tomorrow already.
I missed the flight.
Welcome, Todd.
Now don't get up, sleepyhead.
I just want to take you through the morning's itinerary.
Am I dead? No, it's only 11:00.
- Hidey-ho, buddy.
- Brent? - But I killed myself.
- I know.
You actually were officially dead for five minutes.
Luckily for us, all that Thunder Muscle you drank helped kick-start your heart.
And lo, did the tonic of exuberance fulfill its purpose.
Oh, that's lunch, everyone.
So what'd you do to get in this place? Oh, what do you think the ã42,000 was about? Oh, right.
What did I do to get in here? Todd, you want a pank? Jesus, Brent, right here? Well, yeah, I can't eat the whole thing myself.
Wait, what's a "pank" again? A pank is slightly more than half a pancake, Todd.
Everybody knows that.
Oh, I thought it was a poo and a wank.
And through protestation did the Catalyst What? What about a Catalyst? The Catalyst.
It is all right, everyone.
This is how the Catalyst learns of his true calling.
Todd, gentle soul, the dream, your dream.
It has been dreamt.
And now you're finding it's all coming true, no? Wh How do you know about that? It has been foretold.
It is being foretold as we speak.
Thus did the right Reverend Goody ease the concerns of the Catalyst.
I'm not a Catalyst, all right? Todd, the Catalyst.
You're the one who pushes the button, thus igniting the fire that alters the course of the comet getting the Earth close enough to allow us passage to heaven.
You guys are fuckin' nuts.
There will be no more swearing.
Is that understood, Todd? And what is it with you people and the no swearing thing? Simple When the book is complete, we want our story to be made into a television show.
Now, if there's too much swearing on it, we'll never get it on the air.
Okay, even if what you say about all the pushing the button stuff is true And, yes, in the dream, I push a button and there's, you know, igniting fire and I destroy the world But when that happens, I'm in North Korea.
So I'm in North Korea, aren't I? Todd, while you were dying, I ran out for a quick wanoo, and suddenly I realized that you had revealed the jumping off point when you left me this message.
Brent Wilts, Todd Margaret.
That's right, I'm in London, the last place on Earth I want to be.
Well, North Korea's the last place on Earth I want to be, but listen, shitbucket Ah, fudge! I gotta break outta here.
Todd, if you wish, you can just check out.
You can just check out of the Pyongyang correctional facility? This isn't prison.
This is the best hotel in North Korea.
Nothing but the best for the Phantasos Comet Friends.
Let him go.
Let him go.
The Catalyst is fulfilling his destiny.
There is nothing the Catalyst can do to change this.
The airport, please.
All this has happened before and shall happen again.
The Catalyst has now set in motion all that shall remain.
He shall struggle to be heard.
Airport.
- Push the button? - He will find that his journey will be thwarted, barriers will arise, and he will find himself amongst the very people he must destroy.
This is now and always was in his nature.
In the cloak of the mighty, with Nahm Koonlang and Vong Kuh Sakoong by his side Airport? - This the airport? - Aye.
This is the airport? The airport? Airport? The airport? This isn't the airport, is it? This isn't the airport.
This is not this is not the airport.
I'm not so sure this is such a good idea, guys.
The dream, your dream.
Answer your telephone.
Answer your telephone.
Huh? Jesus, do I have to do everything myself? Todd, my date's here, you need to go.
I have to do everything myself.
Serious déjà vu.
Hello?
Ipso facto, completus.
So everyone's ready, yeah? You've all packed your toothbrushes and your jim-jams? Trustin' everyone's got a clean pair of undies on.
Don't worry about money or any of that.
You won't be needin' that where we're goin'.
Of course, you have transferred your remaining funds into the church bank account, but, again, we won't be needin' that.
But, again, you have transferred it.
So, again, we won't actually be needing it, but as I say, you have transferred it.
Again, we won't actually be needing it, but it is fair to say you have transferred it.
So any questions? Uh, yeah, the one in the sweatshirt.
Where are we going? The first place we're going is Heathrow Airport.
Now, as you know, we have dispatched Brother Wilts to pick up the Catalyst and bring him to us.
So soon, brothers, the prophecy will be fulfilled.
Yes.
So the charges are as follows Possession of a rape kit, antisocial behavior, money laundering, bioterrorism, forgery.
- You're confessing to all of this? - Yes.
- Do you have proof of these things? - No.
I haven't done them yet, but I will.
- And then and then I blow up the world.
- I see.
Please, you've gotta lock me up.
Preferably in a nonce wing.
- Are you a nonce? - I don't know.
I don't even know what that means.
It's something I've dreamt about.
Look, if you're just trying to get laid, there are other less prison-y places.
No, that's not what this is abou Megathrax! That was me, that was me.
Look on your CCTV tape.
That's me.
I was crawling out of the car.
Lock me up.
Nice try, sir, we've already apprehended the suspect.
How? That was me.
I was there.
No, it was Lord Mountford's son's driver.
Why would he frame his driver? See, this is all part of his master plan.
- You've so you're not gonna arrest me? - No, sir.
What am I doing wrong? I don't understand I I know what it is.
I have to dig up Princess Diana's corpse with a dildo at midnight.
That's it.
I should have thought of that before I came in here.
I'm sorry to waste your time.
I'll see you in a few hours.
Uh, wh where's the nearest place that I can get a dildo? Big, big one, red.
The Big Red Dildo Store, SoHo.
All right, SoHo.
Okay.
Now, Todd Margaret, what have you got? Sir, we're not comfortable with the position you are putting us in.
Uh-uh, not another word.
You're fired.
Get out.
Now, what have you got? Okay, what if we do the old 100 pizzas delivered to his flat prank? You're fired.
Next.
All right, what if you create this fake self-help guide, yeah? And he has a series of self-help CDs and you send those to Todd Margaret in his office in America.
And you have another guy who's in the same company, but in a different location, and when he tries to bury his I.
D.
at Princess Diana's grave with a dildo, he gets arrested.
- Simple.
- No.
That is literally the opposite of simple.
I've clearly wasted my time with you lot.
You're fired.
You're fired as well.
And in semi-tragic news, Alice Bell, racist chef beloved by the right, has died.
Tributes continue to pour in from Argentina - She was just so - and the American South.
When we come back, I've got the new one from Stormfront.
That Todd Margaret's gonna pay for this.
It's David Mountford.
I want to speak with Billy the Cheesegrater.
Well, tell him he's un-retired.
See you tonight, ladies.
He's here.
Take care of it.
Call me as soon as it's done.
- Excuse me, miss.
- Yeah.
Do you know where Cumberland Heights is? Uh, yeah, that's not too far from here.
I think it's a bit down this road here.
Keep going until Oh, there you are.
Yeah, it sucks.
Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie.
We'll get through this.
Oh, sweetheart, what's the road to turn on down here to get to Cumberland Heights? Oh, that's Kentish Road, right? Or, no.
Wait, uh, is it the shit one or the nice one? - Sir? - Trevor, you understand why it's important that Todd remain free, yes? Yeah, so Billy can take his time to make him suffer.
I want you to know that everything will be done - to make arrangements for your family.
- Thank you, sir.
- What was it you wanted again? - Oh, for a wife, - I'd like a 28-year-old Filipino with big tits.
- Got it.
And for my daughter step-daughter, let's keep our options open.
Another 28-year-old Filipino with big tits? The heart wants what the heart wants.
Is it weird if they're twins? Ooot and Aboot with Hudson Bear Come on now, gang, it's that time again.
Some of us have got to hibernate for the winter.
But you can't go to sleep now, Hudson Bear.
There's still so much more to do.
Well, that's what nature wants us to do, Olly Otter.
Now, Todd Marmot, stop your dilly dallying and put on your PJs.
How can you go to sleep now, knowing the whole forest is gonna be destroyed? All because of me.
Todd, you took the logger's lunch but he's not destroying the forest because of that.
It would have happened anyway.
I wish I could go to sleep forever and never wake up.
Well, why would you say something like that? Because then I couldn't cause any more trouble.
Now, Todd, why don't you just put on your pajamas and I'll make you a cup of my special tea.
That will help you get some rest.
You can dream about a better world where people like Dave the Logger will think twice before messing with us.
- Hurry up, will you? - I am.
Here it is, Boswell Street.
Two streets down to the left.
Come on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ah! "Good-bye, everyone.
I've chosen to take my life in order to save yours.
No " The world.
I had a dream.
No, not a dream, but like, uh Not a vision, what is it? What's the word? What's the word? Not a I mean, a dream that's not, uh I had I had a dream that told me it was true.
Uh Not a vision The dream ca came true.
No, it told me it was tr No, it was true.
It came tr Jesus Christ.
Why didn't I write this thing before I took the dru - Before - In breaking news, the Megathrax threat has been negated.
Tests have come back revealing that the strain of Megathrax is now thought to be benign.
The quarantine has been lifted.
And MP Jeremy Stephenson was first on the scene and conducted a press conference saying, "Thank God the situation has been reversed.
We can all sleep soundly.
" It's working.
The sacrifice is Todd? Todd, you in here, buddy? Todd.
Todd.
What'd you do? Had a couple? Tie one on? Come on.
Time to get up.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, Todd.
Todd.
Todd, Todd.
Hello, yes.
I need an ambulance right away at Cumberland Heights.
Please hurry! He's in real trouble! Okay, you have a good one, too.
Thank you.
Oh, Todd.
Todd, come on.
Come on.
Oh, I know what'll get Todd, oh, God.
Here.
Todd, Todd, drink some.
Oh, come on, Todd.
Oh, stay with me, Todd.
Don't quit on me now! Clear.
Charging 200.
Clear.
No, no, no, no, no.
No.
No, do it again, do it again.
One more.
- One more time, one more time.
- Sir, we're doing everything we can.
I know you are, but three you gotta do everything in threes.
Everybody knows that.
That's like a universal given.
Here we go.
Charge 200.
Clear.
No! No! God, Todd, you can't die! No, you're the Catalyst.
Todd, you're the Catalyst.
- And I need to know the jumping off point.
- Sir, please.
Oh, God, no, no, no.
Fudge, fudge, fudge, fudge, fudge.
You're the Catalyst! So Todd Margaret must have done something pretty horrid to you to put in a call to Billy the Cheesegrater.
Yes, Father, I wanted a slow death.
Nietzsche and Kant both suggest that the self is void of meaning It's a left down here.
Wait a minute, is that a gypsy? I mean, is it right? ã500,000 for my bathroom? Over ã2,000,000 for my unmade bed.
I mean, I just feel like a bit of a fraud sometimes.
Are you crazy? This is worth like 50 grand at least! Attention passengers, this will be my last flight.
I just found out that my book on passports has been turned into a movie by Universal Studios! It will be starring Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson.
Oh, no.
I worked in the newsagent.
I worked in the family restaurant.
I'm better than that.
I mean, how long do I have to wait before I get a real opportunity? Well, for now, you're going to have to be patient, too.
Have you got a table for one, please? Oh, my God.
This is a sign.
Read it.
Fantastic.
I so rarely read nonfiction.
Oh, no! It's tomorrow already.
I missed the flight.
Welcome, Todd.
Now don't get up, sleepyhead.
I just want to take you through the morning's itinerary.
Am I dead? No, it's only 11:00.
- Hidey-ho, buddy.
- Brent? - But I killed myself.
- I know.
You actually were officially dead for five minutes.
Luckily for us, all that Thunder Muscle you drank helped kick-start your heart.
And lo, did the tonic of exuberance fulfill its purpose.
Oh, that's lunch, everyone.
So what'd you do to get in this place? Oh, what do you think the ã42,000 was about? Oh, right.
What did I do to get in here? Todd, you want a pank? Jesus, Brent, right here? Well, yeah, I can't eat the whole thing myself.
Wait, what's a "pank" again? A pank is slightly more than half a pancake, Todd.
Everybody knows that.
Oh, I thought it was a poo and a wank.
And through protestation did the Catalyst What? What about a Catalyst? The Catalyst.
It is all right, everyone.
This is how the Catalyst learns of his true calling.
Todd, gentle soul, the dream, your dream.
It has been dreamt.
And now you're finding it's all coming true, no? Wh How do you know about that? It has been foretold.
It is being foretold as we speak.
Thus did the right Reverend Goody ease the concerns of the Catalyst.
I'm not a Catalyst, all right? Todd, the Catalyst.
You're the one who pushes the button, thus igniting the fire that alters the course of the comet getting the Earth close enough to allow us passage to heaven.
You guys are fuckin' nuts.
There will be no more swearing.
Is that understood, Todd? And what is it with you people and the no swearing thing? Simple When the book is complete, we want our story to be made into a television show.
Now, if there's too much swearing on it, we'll never get it on the air.
Okay, even if what you say about all the pushing the button stuff is true And, yes, in the dream, I push a button and there's, you know, igniting fire and I destroy the world But when that happens, I'm in North Korea.
So I'm in North Korea, aren't I? Todd, while you were dying, I ran out for a quick wanoo, and suddenly I realized that you had revealed the jumping off point when you left me this message.
Brent Wilts, Todd Margaret.
That's right, I'm in London, the last place on Earth I want to be.
Well, North Korea's the last place on Earth I want to be, but listen, shitbucket Ah, fudge! I gotta break outta here.
Todd, if you wish, you can just check out.
You can just check out of the Pyongyang correctional facility? This isn't prison.
This is the best hotel in North Korea.
Nothing but the best for the Phantasos Comet Friends.
Let him go.
Let him go.
The Catalyst is fulfilling his destiny.
There is nothing the Catalyst can do to change this.
The airport, please.
All this has happened before and shall happen again.
The Catalyst has now set in motion all that shall remain.
He shall struggle to be heard.
Airport.
- Push the button? - He will find that his journey will be thwarted, barriers will arise, and he will find himself amongst the very people he must destroy.
This is now and always was in his nature.
In the cloak of the mighty, with Nahm Koonlang and Vong Kuh Sakoong by his side Airport? - This the airport? - Aye.
This is the airport? The airport? Airport? The airport? This isn't the airport, is it? This isn't the airport.
This is not this is not the airport.
I'm not so sure this is such a good idea, guys.
The dream, your dream.
Answer your telephone.
Answer your telephone.
Huh? Jesus, do I have to do everything myself? Todd, my date's here, you need to go.
I have to do everything myself.
Serious déjà vu.
Hello?