The IT Crowd s03e06 Episode Script

Are you nearly finished, Roy? Yep.
You're taking a long time.
It's a complicated problem.
There are a lot of Shabaranks in your hard drive.
I'm sure I can crack it eventually.
Arrgh, it's frustrating! Come on, work, work! Do you know anything about digital cameras? Roy might.
I do, as it happens.
I'm an amateur photographer, actually.
I've just got this new one, but it's really complicated.
Oh.
That's fixed.
What was wrong with it? It wasn't turned on.
Oh I don't know why I got rid of my old one, it was perfectly fine.
Yeah, well, these all look good.
(SNIGGERS) What's going on with this fella? Look at him! He's pulling a mad face, he looks completely mental! That's Dave, my brother.
He's got a very serious condition.
When I said mental there, I meant mental in the sense of intelligent.
You know, like he'she's a big reader.
He has boss-eyedness.
Boss-eyedness? He's permanently boss-eyed.
That must be a big pain in the arse.
It is, and the terrible thing is, people think there's actually something funny about this.
No! Who could think there's something funny about this? It's a proper condition and hehe really suffers, he really Oh, hey.
I'd just give anything if Dave could have a normal life.
Oh, hey, now.
Kimberly, are you OK? It's just Dave.
Oh, poor Dave.
Hey, I've got a great idea.
Why don't we all do something to raise money for people like Dave? Yeah, we must be able to think of something, like a fun run! That's a good idea.
Or a nude calendar.
That's maybe even a better idea than the fun run idea! We could call it "The Girls of the Seventh Floor".
Yes! Yes! It's a very strong theme! Roy could be the photographer.
I could do the photographs, because I said I was an amateur photographer! Come on, let's do a brainstorm.
I'd like to be November if that's OK.
Can I be April? Yes! And on October, we've got to have a Halloween theme 'Boss-eyedness is something which affects 1% of Britons.
'It doesn't impair eyesight, 'and yet people with boss-eye are routinely discriminated against.
'Just like any form of discrimination, 'it should be stopped.
'But we can only do so with your help.
'That's right, we're looking at you.
' It's not funny, Jen.
It's a very serious condition! I know it is, I know it is.
I'm sorry.
This is exactly the kind of discrimination that we are fighting against.
And what do you need from me? I just need a little time off work.
We're trying to raise some money for the boss-eyed.
(SNIGGERS) Oh, who? Who is? Just me and some people.
Oh, yeah? Who? Some people from upstairs.
You wouldn't know them.
What are you going to do? Hi.
Hi.
Hiya.
What are you talking about? Oh, nothing, I'm just talking to Jen about a private project.
What is it? It's just ajust a private project I'm doing that's private.
What is it? It's just a thing! It's a just big bloody pain in the arse thing that I might do.
Oh, you are being modest.
It's a very kind thing you're doing, very generous, very charitable.
I really am impressed, you know, good for you.
What's he done, persuaded all the girls on seven to do a nude calendar for charity? Bye! Bye, Moss! Oh, God, he's right.
Oh, how the hell? No, no Oh, he made it sound sleazy! It is sleazy.
Oh, what kind of man would want to photograph a bunch of beautiful women without any clothes on, Roy? The kind of man who wants to help people, Jen! No, I don't like it.
I find it very offensive.
No, it's going to be tasteful.
No, it's not.
You're right, it's not! It's going to be rude, it's going to be sexy! All the things men like, and it'll make a million quid for that charity.
No, no, no, absolutely not.
Why not? Taking your clothes off, if it's unemployed men or old ladies from Yorkshire, it's fun.
If it's sexy women, it's not fun - it's oppression.
No, I will not give you time off for this! Well, OK, I will do it in my own time.
Oh, Roy, you're behaving like a horny teenager.
No, you are.
For God's sake, try and have some dignity.
No, I won't, I won't.
Sit down.
I'm not going to.
Have an adult conversation I'm going to do it.
And it's for charity, and there's nothing you can do about it! You're embarrassing yourself! Roy, stop it! Come back here, Roy! Don't be silly! Come back! Roy! Thank you.
I'm really pleased we've had this conversation.
Thanks for seeing us.
Any advice you want about anything, come and see me Hiya.
Roy, thank God you're here.
Jen's just been telling us how the calendar would have been sexist.
Oh, has she? It would be much better if we used old ladies or unemployed men in it.
Oh, good.
She thinks we'll make a lot more money because of the "aah factor".
The "aah factor"? Yeah, the "aah factor".
The thing that makes you go "aah" when you hear about it.
Ah, yeah, but will anyone actually want to see old women or destitute men with no clothes on? Won't that just make people go "aargh", rather than "aah"? Guys, I've got a great idea.
Why don't we all ask our grans to do the calendar? That's a great idea! Oh, Nadine, you are just so full of ideas! But can I, hold on one second, what's our theme? Isn't our theme "Girls of the Seventh Floor"? That was a very strong theme.
Yes, Roy, but now the theme can be "Grans of the Girls of the Seventh Floor".
Oh, yeahI don't want to take photos of grannies.
This could do very well, Roy.
This could be tasteful, like the one Helen Mirren did.
Old ladies pot plants covering their bits, you know.
An erotic calendar the whole family could enjoy.
Roy, you can't drop out now.
Douglas has already paid for the studio time.
What? Has he? Yeah, he's really very interested in this project.
I just have to say how I'm finding this whole thing just so moving, how so many men have come up to me and shown interest and support for the calendar.
I mean, people really do care about the boss-eyeds.
You can't drop out now! I wasn't wrong about you, was I, Roy? I thought you were special.
I am, I'm so special.
Ino Ilet's do it, let's go round up those grans! Thank you! Oh, thank you! That's OK.
Hi.
Hi.
You don't have to do this.
We could just get a proper photographer.
Oh, no, I'm happy to do it.
How's it going? Not a great start, I have to say.
Of all the girls on seven, only nine have grans that are still alive.
Of that nine, one is having a hip replacement on the day of the shoot.
One is a little senile, and may not know what's happening.
And the last one, the last one has a gangrenous arm, but she still wants to do it.
So all I have to do now is hit the streets and find six old women I've never met who would be happy to take all of their clothes off and let me take photographs of them.
Why are you doing this? Same reason I do everything, Jen - to have sex with a lady.
Ahh.
What?! I saiddo you want to be in a nude calendar? Do I want a calendar?! No, no, no.
Doyouwantto do a nude calendar for charity? Oh, for charity.
Oh, well, in that case, yes, I'll take it.
How much is it? No, no, no, no, no.
Do you want to do a calendar? But the doctor's already changed my catheter.
No, no, no.
I need you to take all your clothes off and have me take photographs of you! Oh, you remembered your old mum's birthday.
TELEPHONE RINGS IT.
Jen, hi.
I wanted you to know if this calendar doesn't make £1 million, I'm holding you personally responsible.
What?! That's not very fair.
I'm sad to say that the only secure route to a knighthood in this sorry age is via charity work.
You can't do that, Mr Reynholm.
It wasn't my idea.
Nonetheless, the idea came from your department and, as head of the department, it's your nuts on the block.
Oh, Mr Reynholm, I Don't worry, Jen.
Just make it as sexy as hell and watch the money poor in.
Sexy, sexy, sexy.
Every page sexier than the last.
Mr Reynholm DIAL TONE Oh, grans! Grans aren't sexy.
That's not gonna make any money! What kind of society are we living in? What? Apparently, we are living in the kind of society that sees a man who just wants to take naked photos of some old ladies as some sort of weirdo, who deserves to be chased and shouted at and beaten and chased! Did you tell them it was for the boss-eyeds? Oh, I did, I did.
I did tell them and you know what happened? They just laughed at me.
What?! They just laughed at me, Jen.
They don't care about the boss-eyeds! Wait, Roy.
You know what? Maybe we should rethink the theme a little bit.
"Grans of the girls of the seventh floor" is such a mouthful.
Why not just bring it back to "Girls of the seventh floor"? You said it was sexist! Oh, bleurgh.
It's empowering! Sexist? How dare you be so patronising.
Oh, no! Whoa, whoa, whoa! And you'd enjoy it, Roy! You'd love to take those photos, wouldn't you? You'd enjoy taking them, I bet you would.
You'd enjoy that a lot more! Do you know what I'm talking about, eh, eh, eh, eh?! I don't know, Jen.
Oh, come on! No, no.
You know, I don't think that Kimberly would like it.
I don't wanna make any wrong moves there.
I cannot blow this one! Kimberly is the best thing that's ever happened to me and she hasn't really happened to me yet.
We are not gonna make any money with grannies.
Well, er I'm back! What, what do you mean? I'm back from holiday.
You were on holiday?! Yes, I was on holiday.
Oh, that's right.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
You didn't know I was on holiday? No, no, we did.
Where did you go? You didn't know I was on holiday! Oh, we did, we did.
We missed you.
I've been gone a week! A week?! Wow! Mm What? You know what's very in now? I don't.
Geeks.
You lot.
The whole nerd thing.
Geek chic.
It's very in.
So? So it's a calendar that celebrates scientific achievement.
That's right.
About time! Think of it as an opportunity to re-enact all of your favourite moments from the history of science.
And maths? And maths.
Yes! TELEPHONE RINGS Oh, I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
.
.
Yep? OK, are they all there? Yep.
Yeah, so you've rounded up all your best looking friends? (HESITATES) Yep.
OK, great, Roy, OK.
Remember, it's got to be sexy.
Sexy, sexy! Yep.
OK, so, if the rest of you want to take lunch .
.
I'll do Moss first.
Laters.
So I'll hold up the beaker like, "Ah! I've discovered something.
" Exactly.
Yes.
But what have I discovered? It doesn't matter.
I think it does a bit, actually.
UmOK.
You have discovered nuclear bombs.
In a beaker?! You're right, it's surprising, so give me surprised.
Yeah, that's it, and it's, it's confusing.
Yes, you're confused, and you are afraid of the consequences of the discovery.
Give me fear, fear! Yeah! That's it! That's good.
OK, nice, nice.
And if if you're hot or anything, Moss, maybe you could undo some buttons on your shirt.
No, I'm all right, thanks, Roy.
Maybe just undo your top button.
Why? It's hot, it's a hot lab, because of all the fusion.
Fission! Fission, yeah.
That's it.
Maybe just one more button.
OK, that's good.
And maybe you could, ermaybe you could get down on all fours.
Why? Because you had some microscopic nuclear things and you dropped them.
Oh, right.
Big klutz.
Oh, oh, nightmare! Yeah, they're down there somewhere.
Oh, it's a pain.
Where are they? Yeah, you're getting angry.
Oh, well, I would! Yes, because you can't find them.
Oh, grr! You growl when you can't find stuff! Grrr! That's it! And there are other people in the lab and they're being so noisy.
OK.
Shh! That's it.
A bit less of Yes.
And then it occurs to you that maybe you put your microscopic nuclear things in your back pocket.
Oh, did I? Oh, no.
Oh, that's a pain.
Why would they be there? And yet I've put them there.
Oh, it's strange.
Yeah.
You're working hard, you know, you're tired.
Oh, well, I've been busy.
And they're being noisy again! Shh, shh! That's good, Moss.
Yeah Shh! OK, so just give me a a cheeky, sort of, I've been a naughty boy look.
But I've just solved Fermat's theorem.
Yes, but you've solved it in a way that the stuffed shirts of the time would have found very naughty.
Am I Fermat? Because If I am, these clothes are wrong.
It's, it's, you're more, you're you're a naughty mathematician.
Roy, you you're doing it wrong.
The lighting is all wrong.
The pictures will be very gloomy.
This whole set-up is inadequate.
It's a celebration.
You've just discovered penicillin.
But why are our tops off? I always take my top off when I'm celebrating, don't you? Well, yes, yes, of course, yeah.
OK Cavort! That's it, yeah.
Yeah! Oh! Thank god for all that penicillin! Touch each other in a celebratory way.
Yeah, that's it! Yeah! Yes! That's good.
That's it.
Ruffle your hair now.
That's good, OK, nice, nice.
That's it.
A little bit, a bit more shoulder like that.
You, pick him up like a wheelbarrow and then walk around and then you come in this way, OK? (ON TV) '.
.
any form of discrimination should be stopped.
'But we can only do so with your help.
'That's right, we're looking at you.
' Thank you.
I just wanted to say a few words.
Hey, come on, we did it.
This is exciting, isn't it? Reynholm Industries' first sexy new charity calendar.
Come on, Goofy, we want to see the calendar.
I can't wait.
I hereby announce that speech over and the calendar ready to go.
(ALL) Yeah! I think I speak for all men when I say I can't wait to get that box open and feast my eyes upon its sexy contents! Oh, yeah! Whoa! Someone's played an awful prank! There's nothing here but gloomy pictures of morons.
No, not morons - geeks.
They're sexy now.
You know, geek chic.
Geek chic?! I wanna tear my eyes out! This is horrible.
Horrible! This is your fault.
It was Roy's idea.
You idiot! I wouldn't buy this and it's in aid of me! I didn't do it.
I'm talking to her! It's hard to tell with your mad eyes.
Sorry we're late.
Here are the calendars, brilliant! Oh, great, we're on a calendar! Box fresh.
There goes the entire audience for our calendar .
.
and they got it for free! Roy, I don't care that no-one liked the calendar.
That was the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me.
Really? Really.
'The doctor's already changed my catheter.
' Roy, what's wrong? Oh, nothing.
Er, no, I'm Don't let me stop the kissing! Let's 'Shh.
' Roy, are you OK? Mm-hm, I'm just tired.
Lips.
Oh 'Cavort!' 'You're doing it wrong.
Cavort! You're doing it wrong.
' 'The doctor's already changed my catheter.
' 'Cavort!' Agh! Roy, what is it? Kimberly .
.
it's not gonna work out.