The Job Lot (2013) s03e06 Episode Script

1 Hello, everyone! I'm back! Brrrrr! Always cold -- isn't it? -- when you come back from your hollybobs.
Been wandering around in my tankini for two weeks.
Oh, the food there is amazing.
I ate a prawn the size of my fist.
I've brought you something back for everyone to share.
Do you want to see some photos? No.
A number of things happened while you were away that made my working environment intolerable.
- All right, well, just write it down.
- I've written it down.
Paul had a 20 minute poo, Natalie and Karl have been heavy petting during lunch times and Janette keeps singing the theme to The Antiques Roadshow.
Oh, I love that.
(HUMS ANTIQUES ROADSHOW THEME) It grates me to my core.
Welcome back.
(TAPPING) (BUZZ OF CONVERSATION) Natalie? Clink, clink, clink, clink, clink.
OK, normally, I would celebrate alone, but -- as it's a big one -- I'd thought we might raise a glass together.
Don't let Janette have more than one.
She's a two pot screamer.
- I am NOT.
- You had a drink last Christmas, and called a jobseeker a 'see you next Tuesday'.
He was one! To Brownall Jobcentre -- 25 years young.
ALL: Brownall Jobcentre.
Are you going to drink that? Now, this anniversary is a great opportunity for us to look to our yesterdays to inspire tomorrow's jobseekers today.
We are BOTH: Looking back to look forward.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
- Now, Trish - I have come up with a little Brownall birthday quiz.
And it's called - Drum roll, please, Natalie.
- Drrrrrrrrr.
.
.
let's see who knows the most about Brownall Jobcentre quiz.
Chhhhhhhh.
Oh, Natalie, you're like a human beatbox.
Right, question one.
Which staff member has been at Brownall since it opened in 1990? It's me.
Shall we move on? Angela, if we're going to answer our own questions, there's not much point in playing, is there? No.
(DOOR OPENS) (DOOR SLAMS) Anyway, while you were away, Trish, I arranged a little Brownall birthday surprise.
I managed to track down Brownall's first ever manager.
Ladies and gentlemen, Maggie Higgins! - (APPLAUSE) - Hello, my darlings.
My goodness, it's good to be back in the old girl again.
(SNIFFS) She even smells the same.
Oh, MD, this is so exciting.
- Hello, I'm Trish.
- Hello Oh (BOTH LAUGH) - Bubbles? - Oh, I really shouldn't.
A bit of trouble with the old ticker.
Still, you only live once.
Cheers! And as I always used to say -- the dream works because the team works.
- ALL: Cheers.
- Up yours.
You know, I've always wanted to write a biography about Brownall.
- A Brownography! - Oh, yes, yes, that's very funny.
Oh, what is THIS I see before me? It's a memory board.
25 years of Brownall.
Natalie, I think you are a pinboard wizard.
It's majestic.
Well, it's just a pinboard with some old photos stuck on it.
Karl, stop being so negative.
(GASPS) Hold on, do my eyes deceive me? Is that It is.
It's you! Angela, my darling, how are you? Maggie.
I didn't recognise you.
What's happened to all your beautiful blonde hair? Does she still have you in stitches? - Have you got the right person? - There's only one Angela Bromford.
Go on, Ange, do one of your impressions.
I didn't know you did impressions, Angela.
So funny.
Her Kylie Minogue was the highlight of the staff talent show.
Oh, please do it for us, Angela.
Don't be shy.
We all want to see your Kylie, don't we? More than anything in the world.
I am not doing any impressions of any kind.
Not even your Tina Turner? Come on, Angela, give us a bit of your Nutbush.
Prick up your ears, Jobseekers.
Here's a little something to inspire you.
THIS is three generations of the same family who have all found work through this job centre.
Well, two generations.
- This 'un suffers from beditis.
- Piss off, Nan.
The Wests.
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE) Say cheese.
- Bryony, are you going to smile? - Am I, bollocks! OK.
(SHUTTER WHIRRS) Hey, Bryony, you were right, he has got a fit arse.
Nan! I swear to God, I have never even mentioned your arse.
What?! You never shut up about it.
Right, that's it, Nan, you're going in a home.
I'm 47.
So, as part of our anniversary, we are celebrating Brownall success stories.
Now, this is Charlie.
He was long-term unemployed, but he now runs a successful IT company.
Kerching! Actually, it was this man here.
(BEEPING) Hm? - You used to sign me on, do you remember? - Yeah, yeah.
You said something to me that changed my life forever.
Did I? You told me to go out and kick life in the dick.
And that's literally what I did.
You mean figuratively, but carry on.
- You can learn a lot from this man.
- Really? Karl, would you say that you've kicked life in the dick? I haven't exactly kicked it.
Probably more sort of stroked it with my toe.
Right, so you're saying that you've given life a foot job? Huh? Inspiring stuff.
Hola.
Es aqui donde trabaja Trishy? Not a clue.
Take a seat over there, my love.
I've got you some crepe paper.
I thought you might scrunch it up and Oh, my God, Raul! Trishy! (SQUEALS) Vine para encontrar a mi amor.
I don't know what you're saying.
Trish? Oh, my gosh! First Maggie and now him.
It's like Surprise Surprise! How on earth did you find him? I didn't.
I don't know who he is.
Oh.
Erm Natalie, everyone this is Raul.
He's a Spanish Spaniard that I met in Spain.
He took me on a tour of his vineyard, and we just clicked over several bottles of Rioja.
Quiero llevarte a la cama.
This was the problem.
Our bodies spoke the same language, but our mouths didn't.
Perdona, senor.
Por tu acento dire que eres de Andalucia? Si, si, soy Andaluz! - Gracias a Dios que hablas espanol.
- You speak Spanish? I worked the door at Lineker's Bar in Puerto Banus.
How did he find me? Trish quiere saber como la encontraste? Pasamos muchas horas juntos, pero las palabras que mas repitio, incluso cuando hacemos el amor, era 'Brownall Jobcentre'.
Erm, he says when he got you excited, you'd shout out 'Brownall Jobcentre'.
Oh, lordy.
Erm Natalie, I will be in my office.
I'm leaving you in charge of casa de Brownall.
Step this way, senor.
Recognise this cheery face? - No.
- It's you, 25 years ago, outside this very job centre.
Do you want to stick it on the board? Stick it where you like.
Whatever happened to my golden girl? You were always so positive, so full of fun.
Even when your mother passed away.
- My mother's not dead.
- Isn't she? I think I'd remember the death of my own mother.
I'm sure I gave you a week off for compassionate leave.
You're wrong.
Now, if you don't mind, I've got work to do.
We're not all retired.
Buenas noches.
I'll take that.
- Voy a pedir a Trishy que se case conmigo.
- En serio? - Mm-hm.
He says he's going to ask Trish to marry him.
Oh, how lovely! I'm going to have to buy a new hat.
That's ridiculous.
- Gracias.
- I think it's really sweet.
Sweet? He's being spontaneous.
It's really romantic.
He's only known her a fortnight.
He could be a serial killer.
Yeah? Your scepticism's understandable, Karl, - cos you're naturally risk averse.
- Mr Predictable.
In a good way.
It's all right, mate, we can't all be interesting and dynamic.
- You think I'm boring? - No.
Just safe, like vanilla ice cream.
Everyone likes vanilla ice cream.
That's what I love about you.
I always know what I'm going to get.
Yeah, the same every day.
In a good way.
Where are we going? To kick life in the dick.
We're not going to a sports bar, are we? (SHOP BELL) I'd like to buy an engagement ring right now, please.
Ooh, someone's in a hurry.
Well, I've just decided to ask my girlfriend to marry me.
- How romantic.
- And spontaneous? - Very.
- Brilliant.
Show me your rings.
Oh, wow, these are Jesus! Beautiful.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Oh, excuse me a minute.
Sure.
What are you trying to prove? I'm proving, Ash, that this is the new me.
Karl -- spontaneous and romantic -- Lyndhurst.
You're not being spontaneous or romantic.
- You're just copying Raul.
- Is that what I'm doing? - Yeah.
What about this, then? Where's that gone? Magic.
Gone.
You can't do that.
You're vanilla, Karl.
Well, the new Karl is mint choc chip.
- Seen anything you like? - Nah, changed my mind.
Completely gone off her.
So I'm just going to go.
Oh, OK.
Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure you want to leave? Yippity, yip, yip, yip.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
(SHOP BELL) - What have you done? - I don't like mint choc chip Karl.
Desde el primer momento que nos conocimos supe que eras especial.
From the moment we met I knew you were special.
Si, ha habido otras mujeres.
Yes, there have been many other women.
Pero ninguna tan flexible como tu.
But none as bendy as you.
El destino nos ha unido.
Fate has brought us together.
Hermosa Trishy Beautiful Trishy - Quieres casarte conmigo? - Will you marry me? What? - I don't know what to say.
- No se que decir.
- Diga si.
- Say yes.
No.
- No? - No.
- No.
- No? - No.
Oh, Raul, you are a wonderful, wonderful Spaniard.
But while you are devoted to your plump, tasty grapes and I am devoted to my jobless, it can never work.
Sorry, hombre, it's finito.
La imagen de su cuerpo desnudo quedara en mi mente para siempre.
The image of your beautiful naked body will be imprinted on his mind forever.
No tienes una fotografia? No.
Just asking if he wants a lift to the airport.
Thanks, Paul.
Karl, what is so urgent that you've dragged me in here? - This.
- Oh, my God.
I stole it.
I need you to help me put it back.
I thought you were going to ask me to marry you.
Oh.
Would you have? Not now you're going to prison.
What did you steal a ring for? I was trying to be less predictable, but I ended up surprising myself.
This is why you shouldn't try and be interesting, Karl.
Things go wrong.
If I hand myself in, maybe I'll just get a slapped wrist.
Or a lengthy custodial sentence.
Oh, God, this is not my world! - What do you want? - This is embarrassing.
Erm, basically, I wanted to do something I'd never done before.
And we thought you might have experience.
But you can't tell anyone.
It has to be our little secret.
- Why me? - You just look the type.
- And you don't think it'll be weird? - No, just tell us what to do.
All right, kinky.
Let's decide on a safe word.
- What? - You're asking me to do a threesome? - BOTH: No! - Why have you dragged me into a toilet, then? - I've got a hot ring.
- I draw the line at bum love.
I stole a ring.
- And you thought I'd know about handling stolen goods? - Yes.
- So judgemental.
- Well, do you? - Of course I do.
- Will you help us? Only because you wouldn't last five minutes in jail.
- Not with an arse like that.
- She's right.
So we're not gonna do this, then? No.
- Well - No! - No.
Can I help you? Yeah, we'd quite like to look at some engagement rings, please.
We're getting married.
She's my everything.
Oh, congratulations.
I turned her.
- Beg your pardon? - To girls.
Didn't I, babe? Yeah.
I love her.
Give us a snog, then.
- Here? - Yeah, pucker up, buttercup.
Aw, that's lovely.
OK, let's get this done.
Can I have a look at them? Yes, these are 24 carats.
- Is that 24 carats? - Yes.
- And that? - Yes.
- What about that one? Yes, beautiful, aren't they? They look plastic.
Have you got any rolled gold? (GLASS SHATTERING) - (ALARM BLARES) - Leg it, Karl! - I can't run in these shoes.
- What happened? - We kissed, and then it went tits.
- What? - Where's the ring? - Still in my pocket.
- Oh, good morning.
- Morning.
I've made a cake.
Oh, Maggie, thank you SO much.
Is that a mini sugar-work Trish? Oh, no, that's a Maggie.
- That's you.
- Oh, we both look the same.
Well, we are the same.
We'd both happily sacrifice everything for this job centre.
- For these.
- Beg your pardon? The jobless.
I've always thought of them as my children.
I've swaddled them, nurtured them and let them suckle at the teat of my benefits.
Do you mind if I just pop into your office and use your computer? Of course not.
As long as you're not looking at teats! (EMBARRASSED LAUGH) What are you doing here? I've just been digging around on the system.
You're no longer an employee, so that is illegal.
So is drawing your dead mother's pension.
I've already told you, my mother is not dead.
Sandra Bromford died on 3rd September 1998.
Since then, someone has drawn over £80,000 of pension in her name.
You've got the wrong Sandra Bromford.
I'm a keen genealogist, Angela.
I can trace my family right back to the Vikings.
I don't make mistakes.
What do you want? I'm sorry? Money? How much? I don't want your money.
I just want you to do the right thing.
I'm going to write down a figure.
Oh, for goodness' sake, I'm telling you that this is not about - Is that a one? - No, it's a seven.
- Bloody hell! - Do we have a deal? No.
You are a benefit cheat, Angela, and if you don't tell Trish, then I will.
You can't.
You have illegally accessed the system.
It's not illegal.
I am the manager.
Ex-manager.
No-one listened to you when you worked here.
So no-one's going to listen to you now.
How can you say that? I treated you like a daughter.
Your days of working in this job centre are over.
- What's the matter with your face? - It's It's my heart.
(GASPS FOR BREATH) I need my pills.
(WHEEZES) Just (WHEEZES) Thank you.
You all right, Maggie? Are you tired? It has been a busy week.
(SCREAMS) (MUNCHES) I know it's not a good time, but Raul's in the waiting area.
He's just stopped off on his way to the airport.
Paul, I'm about to perform a very moving eulogy.
- He just needs to say goodbye.
- So do I.
Here lies a great woman, whose name will live on.
Maggie - Higgins.
- Higgins.
Maggie Higgins loved, lived and breathed Brownall Jobcentre as much as me right to the very end.
- She's left a mark behind.
- Well, she has.
- I mean, she built this place.
- No, I mean literally, Trish.
She's left a mark on your chair.
Yeah.
Something must have leaked out when she died.
Well, maybe she just loved this job too darn much, and that's what killed her in the end.
That and her angina.
Maggie Higgins, I hope one day I can be the manager you are Were.
Oh, God, it's too late, I already am her.
Do you want me to tell Raul to do one? Raul? Destino.
What are you doing here? We told you to lay low for a bit.
I have.
I've been in bed all morning.
- Been shopping? - Yeah, so? - What's that for? - Your cut.
I flogged the ring to some Mexican in the pub.
We are never seeing that again.
- Raul! - Trishy.
Oh, God! That's him.
That's the Mexican.
Oh, no, Bryony, tell me you're joking.
I think I'm going to have another panic attack.
Oh, what a beautiful ring.
That must have cost you a fortune.
To heck with it, I don't want to die alone at my desk.
I want the rest of my life to be filled with Mediterranean adventures.
- Yes, Raul, yes, I will marry you.
- Si? Oh, Trish, congratulations.
This deserves a celebration.
Abso-flippin-lutely.
Go and get the Cava.
Oh, I love it, I love it, I love it.
Isn't it just super? - It's all right.
- I've never been so happy.
Oh, Angela, stay and have a glass of Cava.
I'm getting married.
No, I'm going home to Mother.
We've been fingered.
I wonder what they want.
Officers, I know what you're thinking.
'They shouldn't be celebrating while the body's probably still warm.
' - Body? - Yes, yes, and you may well be right, but I'm just so excited.
- I'm getting married.
Look.
- Congratulations.
We were actually hoping to talk to your staff about a robbery.
What are you talking about? Of an engagement ring.
This ring isn't stolen.
Erm, yeah, actually, it is.
I stole it.
And I helped.
And I tried to put it back by pretending to be a lesbian.
And I sold it to that Mexican.
ASH: Oh, my God, I'm a common criminal.
KARL: I don't want to go to jail.
Cava?