The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s03e06 Episode Script
Hank's Night in the Sun
Listen up, boys and girls.
I'm gonna say this One time only.
The next time One of you shows up Wearing black sneakers Instead of black dress shoes, You'll need 'em because i'll Chase your delicate little butt Right out into the street.
If you're serious About a career in television, I suggest you start caring About proper foot dress.
Ok? Got it? Dig it? Dismissed.
Bleachers.
Paula: Arthur! Bleachers! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, arthur! We are In such deep shit.
All right, what is it? Who dropped out, george wendt Or angela lansbury? Neither.
Beverly Was driving larry back From the frozen yogurt place And he became violently ill.
Oh, god.
Why does larry Have to go Into the yogurt place In person? Because he thinks If you can see the colors, It's easier to pick The flavor.
He threw up all over The front seat Of beverly's car, And then he threw up All over ventura boulevard.
Sherman oaks? Studio city.
Any witnesses? No.
She didn't Think so.
Thank god, because I've seen larry vomit.
It's not something You want to watch Over and over again On hard copy.
Damn it to hell! What's goin' on? I'll tell you later.
Where's larry now? Home.
We are one hour Away from show time.
What do we do, Have the pages Send the audience home? We are not canceling This show, god damn it.
Angela's A personal friend of mine, And george wendt is starring In a tv movie For the network Tomorrow night.
They need us To help promote it So there's no way, We can cancel.
All right, 45 minutes To find a guest host.
Do i call The list of regulars? Call in this order-- Jerry seinfeld, Richard lewis, bob saget, John ritter, howie mandel, Louie anderson.
Howie mandel? You're right.
Flop howie and louie, Bump saget From third to fourth, And make sure That seinfeld knows That he's our first choice.
When he says no, Make sure that richard lewis Thinks that he's Our first choice, And so on down the list.
Oh, your mind Amazes me! I'm just now comfortable With it myself.
Ok, phil! Make sure Sid has the monologues On the cards early.
We want it ready For whoever we get.
Whenever they get here.
What's going on, paula? Seinfeld and ritter Are out of town.
Saget and louie Have conflicts.
Richard lewis might be able To move something around.
His agent's calling me Right back.
Howie mandel! Migraine.
Can barely stand.
Have you called him? No.
Larry.
It's artie.
Don't bother to pick up, pal.
I know you're Feeling like shit.
I just want you to know Everything's going fine.
I'm sitting here With our friend phil.
We don't even miss you, Larry.
Ah, listen, We love you, pal.
We miss you.
You're in Our thoughts and prayers.
Paula, god damn it, Get me a name! In the acting ranks, You can't find me One name? Here's the deal-- Richard lewis is Not available today, But he is tomorrow If we need him.
Great.
Howie mandel.
He is out of town.
Did you call him? I just got the message.
Oh, bullshit.
Oh, come on, man.
It's 35 minutes to show time.
I don't mean to be A pain in the ass.
Are you sure that there's No one available? I'm sure.
No one? Well, there's some chimps At live at 5 Who might be available.
I don't think so.
We'll have to settle For the next-best thing.
Paula, are you aware I'm about to open the lid Of a box far nastier Than pandora's? Oh, damn.
Uh, napkin.
Hank, we have a problem.
I'm not supposed to eat In my show clothes.
I know.
It's justI get hungry.
Hank, larry's very, very ill.
We need you To host the show tonight.
No.
Yes.
No.
Oh, yes.
This is amazing.
My psychic told me A man in my life Was going to be given A great opportunity.
I thought she meant my father Was going to get a job, But--but this, This is good, too.
Yes, it is.
Hank, we've got mucho to do in 35 minutes.
Now shall we? Arthur? Yes.
I can't move my legs.
Whoop.
Hip.
How's the legs now? Uh, i'm a little shaky, But, god, i've been waiting For this moment My whole life.
I'm not gonna let you down.
I can do this.
I know it.
Yes, you can, hank.
I'm doing Some creative visualization, And i'm seeing the audience Screaming with laughter.
I'm seeing The same thing, darlene.
Thank you For explaining The screaming.
Uh, darlene, call my agent, Call my manager.
Oh, i should call Your wife.
Wife, yes.
Of course.
And, uh, i want To eat some fruit.
I don't know why A pineapple.
Oh, i should call my mom.
She's gonna be so excited.
She has a thing for hank.
Oh, don't we all? Oh, artie, my pal, Shadoe stevens, He's 2 blocks away.
Why don't we call him, Have him do the warm-up And the intro? Shadoe is 2 blocks away.
Did i say that already? Whatever you want, hank.
Ok.
Artie.
Yo.
I want to thank you.
I want to thank you For this.
It's just such a wonderful, Tremendous vote of confidence.
I want to thank you.
Hank, believe me, I had no choice.
I know.
Thank you.
Uh, where's the Where's my pineapple? Ok, hank, you want to try This first one? Uh, did you-- Elizabeth, can you give us A couple of minutes? Thank you! Ask them if my Ok, you come out.
Applause, applause.
Hopefully.
And then you say this.
I sayA little higher.
I say, "thank you all.
Before we go on, "I want to send A special message to my boss, "My friend, mr.
Larry sanders.
Get well soon, buddy.
Things aren't the same Without--" My, god.
Larry's sick? Yeah.
Food poisoning.
Didn't anybody Tell you? No! Well, no, i I guess artie did, But i was so nervous, And the shock And the excitement, uh Food poisoning? Yeah.
Ee, ee, ee.
Oh, man.
Uh, how many days Does that last? I have no idea.
We should really Try to get through these.
Yeah, ok.
So you say that, And there's more applause, And then you continue.
Then i continue OkHigher.
"Even though larry Couldn't be here tonight, "I know he's comfortable.
I have an american car.
The trunk is quite spacious.
" Flip it.
No, that's it, hank.
What? That's the joke.
"The trunk is Quite spacious.
" Mm-mmm.
Uh I'm talking about-- I'm talking about larry, Then i'm talking About my car.
See? There's a logic.
Well, see, That's the joke.
The idea is that You've kidnapped larry, And you've put him In the trunk of my car.
Sheesh.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
OkRrrr! Try it again.
Ok, take over, Take over, take over.
I'm sorry, ok.
"Even though larry Couldn't be here tonight, "I know he's comfortable.
"I have an american car, And i put him in the trunk, And i kidnapped him.
" Does that help? Did it hurt? Don't worry About a thing, pal.
Everything's under control.
You just rest up.
You gonna watch the show On the satellite feed? Larry: yeah.
Who'd you get to host? How far down the list Do i have to go? Actually, we're Off the list--hank.
[Retching.]
Larry? Artie, it's beverly.
Larry's vomiting again.
Can we get back to you? Oh, certainly.
[Retching.]
Mr.
Wendt! Hi.
I'm phil, The best writer.
Thanks for doing the show.
No problem.
There's been A little change.
Larry's sick, And so we have to have Somebody filling in For him tonight.
Oh, no.
Is he ok, though? Oh, he'll be fine.
Who's gonna host? UhHank.
Hank? Well, that's cool.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Well, um Oh, my god.
I should give you The opportunity now That if you want to Say anything about-- No, no, no.
I'm fine with hank.
You don't have to be Nice about this.
You have a problem With hank? No, no.
Hank's great.
It's just that, uh, It's his first show, And he's a little green.
Well, that's all right.
I did conan's First show, so You have to remember.
Yes, i do, And i forgive you.
[Under his breath.]
Shit! "George wendt, Angela lansbury, And comedian Jeff cesario.
" Hank: good! "And now, because Everybody else In show business Was out of town Or in rehab--" Yes.
"Hey, now! Hey--hey, now! Hank kingsley!" Ok, good.
Good.
Your instincts Are absolutely right.
You mind? No.
Just my opinion, But i think you want to go, You know, 2 notes, But you want to go up On the second note.
KingKings ley! Kings-leyyyy! Kind of A flaired-out riff.
No.
B-flat.
Kings-ley! Kings-leyyyyy! You've got the ear! You got it! There it is.
All right.
Shadoe, how's it going? Oh, great.
Perfect.
Would you do me a favor, Give me a few moments With, uh Oh, sure.
No problem.
The man Is a vocal god.
Indeed he is.
Love you on dave's world, kiddo.
Thank you, bernadine.
Ok? Ok.
I'm fine.
I'm just trying to pick out The right tie for the show.
What about this one? You think that one? Oh, definitely.
Ok.
That's the one.
You're the boss.
And, uh, you know, I ordered some pineapple.
Have you seen My pineapple? No, i haven't seen it, But i'll get right on it.
I was talking to larry.
He sends his best.
Great.
And, uh, The shoes aren't right.
What's wrong with them? They're just not right, You know? And i ordered some bud.
Should i be concerned? Hmm? Don't make me do this.
Ok? I just can't Do this.
I'm not I'm not up to this.
Don't make me.
Come on.
Paula's out there.
She's waiting To go over the guest Questions with you.
I'll be a few feet away At the monitor.
We're just So thrilled for you.
We just want to Support you, buddy.
What if i suck? Never! Yeah, what if i suck? After all this time, I finally get my chance, And what if i just suck? You know, i'm serious.
Maybe i shouldn't Get my chance And then i don't Have to find out i suck.
Breathe in.
[Quivering breath.]
What if i suck? Let it out.
What if i suck? Ready? No.
Breathe in.
Let it out.
You ready? No.
Here he is.
Ok, now, if you get In trouble, You just go to the cards, You'll be fine.
All the guests know It's your first time hosting, And they're cool with it.
But why'd you tell them? They were gonna find out Sooner or later anyway.
Um, just put these In the desk, and, uh Here.
Thank you.
I have a very good feeling About all this, hank.
What are you drinking? Red zinger and gin.
You'll be great.
Arthur: Shadoe stevens: Live on tape From hollywood This is Your first card.
You got it? Ok, sid.
This is your mark.
Ready? Listen to me, buddy.
I been in this business, Man and boy, Almost 40 years.
I know things, hank.
Let me tell you one Of the things i know.
You do not suck! Shadoe stevens: Hey, now! Hank kings-leyyy! That's one of the kindest Things anyone has Ever said to me.
[Applause.]
Thank you.
Wow.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Now, before we goes Before we goes on I want to send A special message to my boss, My friend, mr.
Larry sanders.
Get well soon, buddy.
Things aren't the same Without ya! [Applause.]
Well, thank you.
Even though larry Wouldn't be Couldn't be here tonight, I know he's comfortable.
I have an american car, And the trunk is quite spacious.
[Laughter.]
Thank you.
Now, uh, say, did you Read the paper this morning? Tennis star jennifer capriati Is in the drug rehab.
I mean, is this Really a surprise? I seem to remember people All the time saying She preferred Playing on grass.
[Laughter.]
How's hank doing? He just got His first big laugh.
Good for hank.
You don't understand.
This is gonna go Right to his head.
He's going to be a huge, Huge pain in the ass.
You know jimmy woods? That's nothing.
You know, my father always Told me to tell the truth, So if it isn't obvious, I'm really terrified.
So you're probably Not going to see A really great show Tonight.
[Laughter.]
Man: Go, hank, go! [Applause.]
Ok, uh [Chanting and clapping.]
Hank! Hank! Hank! Hank! Hank! Hank! Hank! [Chanting continues.]
All right.
All right.
All right.
Ok, ok, so, You want to do this? Audience: Yeah! I mean, You want to do this?! Yeah! Ok, we've got George wendt, Angela lansbury, Jeff cesario! Hey, now! Don't go away! That's it.
The chair.
Chair.
The chair.
No, no, your chair.
You're over there.
'Cause i love This man! I love this man, This guy.
[Applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Uh, well, i think You have an embarrassing Incident that happened Somewhere in, uh Hank.
Amsterdam? What are you doing With those cards? They told me To read the cards.
Hank, you don't have to Read those things.
Come on.
Give me those things.
What do you got here? What do you have? Hank, cards are a crutch.
They're a crutch.
[Laughing.]
There goes-- Thank you and good night.
Hank, you don't need The cards.
I need the cards.
Larry needs the cards.
This man doesn't need them.
He's wonderful.
Hank, just-- [Applause.]
Yay! Ha! Yah! Nice.
Good job.
You did it, hank.
I have to be honest.
I thought we were going To have to warn people To watch this show Through a pin hole And a piece of cardboard.
But you made it, buddy.
Oh, man, thank you, thank you.
Thank you, everyone.
Oh, man, i'm tired.
Now i know why larry Is so puffed up.
Listen, you go home, Get some sleep.
You deserve it.
Darlene, You going to drive him? You bet.
Ok, folks, let's hear it For shadoe stevens.
Yeah! And the great Hank kingsley! Yeah! Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Who are you? Ha ha ha ha! Good morning, ladies! Morning, artie.
What's the news From the sick bed, beverly? Well, artie, he's over That food poisoning, But last night, He ran into the bathroom, And he slipped and fell And hit his head on the john.
Oh, shit.
No, no.
He's ok.
It's a minor concussion, But it's serious enough To get those pain killers He's been after.
Yay! He's here, everybody! Yay! Thank you very much.
Easy, easy.
Messages? You were great Last night, hank.
As good as larry, Maybe even better.
Good morning, my boy.
Still flushed with victory? Yes, i am flushed With victory.
You sound A little surprised I did so well.
Oh? I'm glad i'm not Playing poker anytime soon.
Beverly: Hey, hank? Yeah.
You were great! You were great! Thank you.
You were great.
Yeah.
Good job Last night.
Well, you're Very excited.
Can you get me A coffee? No.
No, i book talent.
I don't get coffee.
Oh, fine.
Then could you book David copperfield On the show, And when he gets here, Have him pull a cup Of coffee out of his ass? Ah-ha! Decaf? Serious.
Hank, telephone.
It's larry.
Fucking cup of coffee.
I think he wants To congratulate you.
Larry.
Hey, how you feeling, Buddy? You all right? Mm.
Thank you.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Uh-huh.
Well, you know, You left me Some mighty big shoes To fill.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
That's very nice of you.
Listen, you get back here Because no one Can do this show Quite like you.
Ok? Very good.
Very good.
Yeah.
I'll see you soon.
Ok.
So? So? Uh, hank, what are you Doing in here? Well, correct me If i'm wrong, But the procedure is The guest host Gets to use larry's Office, right? Yes.
The guest host, Which you are not.
You have an office Of your own, hank, So come on.
Let's get out of here.
Run along.
Come on.
Your tone Is very grating.
I'd appreciate it If you switched desks With darlene.
I'd like her A little closer To me today.
Hank, please, Don't make me mad.
Don't you make me mad! Darlene, sweetheart, I want you to switch Desks with beverly.
That's ok, hank.
I love my desk.
Uh, hank, would you like it If i called larry about this? Because if i do, You know he'll give me The go-ahead To kick your balls right out Through the top of your head! Oh, language! What the hell Is going on? Artie, will you talk To this woman? Uh, beverly, thank you! Artie, the guest host Gets larry's office.
Is that right? That's right, hank.
I'm sure richard lewis Would appreciate it If you weren't sharing The space with him.
Ahem.
Richard lewis? Yes.
Paula and i Talked to him yesterday.
He couldn't do it Last night.
He wanted To do it tonight.
Oh, wow.
Hey.
Hey, i saved Your asses last night.
This is the--the fucking Gratitude i get? I mean, come on.
Look in front Of your face.
It's me, ok? It's hank kingsley.
I can do this job.
I can do this job Better than Any outside person.
Come on.
Wake up.
Look at the reviews.
All right "Kingsley's Winning demeanor Took sanders' place With relative ease.
" Look at this one.
"Kingsley proved himself Completely maladroit In the host's chair.
" Hank, "adroit" means "able.
" "Mal" means "bad" or "not.
" Put 'em together.
Maladroit--not able.
capisce? Beverly, Get larry on the phone.
I'm doing that right now, Artie.
I want you to tell him Everything.
Oh, no, artie.
I'm going To save that "maladroit" Thing for you.
Richard lewis, Hank kingsley.
How you doin'? Listen, i'll be real short.
I just think it's great That you're hosting The show tonight.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Question--are you gonna Be doing your usual shtick? No, no, i love it.
It's just that Ah! I don't want to Get into this.
I don't Well, it's funny Because last week, Larry and arthur Were talking, And one of them said That they thought The whole neurotic jewish Person thing that you do Is, uh-- What'd he say? Predictably, uh, banal.
I'm sorry to call you When you're Feeling low, buddy.
No, i'm fine, artie.
I pass out unexpectedly, But other than that, I feel better than the night We had jennifer tilly on.
Well, richard lewis Dropped out.
I'm sure hank got On the phone with him.
That crazy Son of a bitch.
I don't think Richard's that crazy.
I think that's just an act.
I meant hank.
I don't say this Often, larry, But i made a mistake.
I should have canceled Last night's show Instead of putting Hank on.
Last night he was A crying mess [Thud.]
Oh! Now he's the ass Ofthe western world.
I think there's Only one way Out of this.
It's risky, But i really don't have Any other choice.
Artie? Yeah? Hey, what's happenin'? "I think socks had something To do with that decision.
" It's not funny.
I beg your pardon? What word do you Have trouble with? You understand "not"? That's comfortable for you? And "funny.
" You've heard of that? This doesn't work.
"I think socks Had something to do With that decision.
" See? Now i'm laughing.
Well, laugh loud So you can cover For the rest of us.
Hey, hey! You like your job? No.
Well, watch it.
You may go.
Oh, may i? Thank you.
Come on, sid.
Watch it, Asshole.
What? What?! You've changed, hank.
There's a darkness Around you.
Good, fine.
There's a darkness.
Are you ok? I'm gonna tell you Something.
I prayed.
I mean, i actually Got down on my knees, And i prayed that larry Would stay sick So i could host The show tonight.
I mean, i wished This man unwell.
Do you understand that? Oh, god, hank, no.
I'm still doing it.
I hope he gets sick Through the weekend And on until the week After that And the week after that.
Hank, don't! You don't get it, Do you? You see, it's not larry Who is sick.
It's me.
Yes, it's me.
I am very sick.
I am a sicko.
I'm so fucking sick.
But i'm finally Where i belong.
Shadoe stevens: Hank kings-leyyy! [Applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Don't adjust your vertical, Don't adjust your horizontal.
There's nothing wrong With your set.
It is me again.
Ok, here we go.
President clinton announced We'll be trading tuna With the japanese.
I'm sure socks had something To do with that decision.
[Woman laughs.]
[Scattered laughter.]
See, that's interesting Because i told Our head writer That that was, you know, A little off, But he's such A hopeless retard that [Audience groans.]
Easy, now.
All right, so Man: you suck! Take a seat.
You will issue an apology About the remarks About The mentally challenged, A healthy donation To, let's say, The down syndrome people Wouldn't hurt.
But you should send A gift basket To john cusack About that remark You made about his sister.
And you should send One for each time you Called him little richard.
Oh, i'm so sorry.
It just got away From me.
Oh, no, hank.
It really got away.
It's down In bolivia by now.
Now, hank, What have we learned here? When you're vulnerable And humble, people like you.
When you act like an asshole, People tend to think of you As an asshole.
Are you gonna Air tonight's show? No.
We'll put on the best of larry.
But i'll always have A copy of tonight's show Close by.
Just keep that in mind Next time You want to throw Your weight around.
You may go.
Larry on speakerphone: Is he gone yet? Don't let The doorknob Hit you in the ass.
Larry: oops.
Was that him? Yep.
Larry? Yeah? I think we've learned Some valuable lessons here.
That close to air, We'll cancel.
Is on the couch Where he does His best work.
And 3--always Let beverly go into That yogurt shop alone.
I'll admit, i may have Mishandled this affair, But everything turned out For the best.
And i think you see That it's gonna be All right.
[Thud.]
Oh! You agree, right? Hey, artie? What's happenin'?
I'm gonna say this One time only.
The next time One of you shows up Wearing black sneakers Instead of black dress shoes, You'll need 'em because i'll Chase your delicate little butt Right out into the street.
If you're serious About a career in television, I suggest you start caring About proper foot dress.
Ok? Got it? Dig it? Dismissed.
Bleachers.
Paula: Arthur! Bleachers! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, arthur! We are In such deep shit.
All right, what is it? Who dropped out, george wendt Or angela lansbury? Neither.
Beverly Was driving larry back From the frozen yogurt place And he became violently ill.
Oh, god.
Why does larry Have to go Into the yogurt place In person? Because he thinks If you can see the colors, It's easier to pick The flavor.
He threw up all over The front seat Of beverly's car, And then he threw up All over ventura boulevard.
Sherman oaks? Studio city.
Any witnesses? No.
She didn't Think so.
Thank god, because I've seen larry vomit.
It's not something You want to watch Over and over again On hard copy.
Damn it to hell! What's goin' on? I'll tell you later.
Where's larry now? Home.
We are one hour Away from show time.
What do we do, Have the pages Send the audience home? We are not canceling This show, god damn it.
Angela's A personal friend of mine, And george wendt is starring In a tv movie For the network Tomorrow night.
They need us To help promote it So there's no way, We can cancel.
All right, 45 minutes To find a guest host.
Do i call The list of regulars? Call in this order-- Jerry seinfeld, Richard lewis, bob saget, John ritter, howie mandel, Louie anderson.
Howie mandel? You're right.
Flop howie and louie, Bump saget From third to fourth, And make sure That seinfeld knows That he's our first choice.
When he says no, Make sure that richard lewis Thinks that he's Our first choice, And so on down the list.
Oh, your mind Amazes me! I'm just now comfortable With it myself.
Ok, phil! Make sure Sid has the monologues On the cards early.
We want it ready For whoever we get.
Whenever they get here.
What's going on, paula? Seinfeld and ritter Are out of town.
Saget and louie Have conflicts.
Richard lewis might be able To move something around.
His agent's calling me Right back.
Howie mandel! Migraine.
Can barely stand.
Have you called him? No.
Larry.
It's artie.
Don't bother to pick up, pal.
I know you're Feeling like shit.
I just want you to know Everything's going fine.
I'm sitting here With our friend phil.
We don't even miss you, Larry.
Ah, listen, We love you, pal.
We miss you.
You're in Our thoughts and prayers.
Paula, god damn it, Get me a name! In the acting ranks, You can't find me One name? Here's the deal-- Richard lewis is Not available today, But he is tomorrow If we need him.
Great.
Howie mandel.
He is out of town.
Did you call him? I just got the message.
Oh, bullshit.
Oh, come on, man.
It's 35 minutes to show time.
I don't mean to be A pain in the ass.
Are you sure that there's No one available? I'm sure.
No one? Well, there's some chimps At live at 5 Who might be available.
I don't think so.
We'll have to settle For the next-best thing.
Paula, are you aware I'm about to open the lid Of a box far nastier Than pandora's? Oh, damn.
Uh, napkin.
Hank, we have a problem.
I'm not supposed to eat In my show clothes.
I know.
It's justI get hungry.
Hank, larry's very, very ill.
We need you To host the show tonight.
No.
Yes.
No.
Oh, yes.
This is amazing.
My psychic told me A man in my life Was going to be given A great opportunity.
I thought she meant my father Was going to get a job, But--but this, This is good, too.
Yes, it is.
Hank, we've got mucho to do in 35 minutes.
Now shall we? Arthur? Yes.
I can't move my legs.
Whoop.
Hip.
How's the legs now? Uh, i'm a little shaky, But, god, i've been waiting For this moment My whole life.
I'm not gonna let you down.
I can do this.
I know it.
Yes, you can, hank.
I'm doing Some creative visualization, And i'm seeing the audience Screaming with laughter.
I'm seeing The same thing, darlene.
Thank you For explaining The screaming.
Uh, darlene, call my agent, Call my manager.
Oh, i should call Your wife.
Wife, yes.
Of course.
And, uh, i want To eat some fruit.
I don't know why A pineapple.
Oh, i should call my mom.
She's gonna be so excited.
She has a thing for hank.
Oh, don't we all? Oh, artie, my pal, Shadoe stevens, He's 2 blocks away.
Why don't we call him, Have him do the warm-up And the intro? Shadoe is 2 blocks away.
Did i say that already? Whatever you want, hank.
Ok.
Artie.
Yo.
I want to thank you.
I want to thank you For this.
It's just such a wonderful, Tremendous vote of confidence.
I want to thank you.
Hank, believe me, I had no choice.
I know.
Thank you.
Uh, where's the Where's my pineapple? Ok, hank, you want to try This first one? Uh, did you-- Elizabeth, can you give us A couple of minutes? Thank you! Ask them if my Ok, you come out.
Applause, applause.
Hopefully.
And then you say this.
I sayA little higher.
I say, "thank you all.
Before we go on, "I want to send A special message to my boss, "My friend, mr.
Larry sanders.
Get well soon, buddy.
Things aren't the same Without--" My, god.
Larry's sick? Yeah.
Food poisoning.
Didn't anybody Tell you? No! Well, no, i I guess artie did, But i was so nervous, And the shock And the excitement, uh Food poisoning? Yeah.
Ee, ee, ee.
Oh, man.
Uh, how many days Does that last? I have no idea.
We should really Try to get through these.
Yeah, ok.
So you say that, And there's more applause, And then you continue.
Then i continue OkHigher.
"Even though larry Couldn't be here tonight, "I know he's comfortable.
I have an american car.
The trunk is quite spacious.
" Flip it.
No, that's it, hank.
What? That's the joke.
"The trunk is Quite spacious.
" Mm-mmm.
Uh I'm talking about-- I'm talking about larry, Then i'm talking About my car.
See? There's a logic.
Well, see, That's the joke.
The idea is that You've kidnapped larry, And you've put him In the trunk of my car.
Sheesh.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
OkRrrr! Try it again.
Ok, take over, Take over, take over.
I'm sorry, ok.
"Even though larry Couldn't be here tonight, "I know he's comfortable.
"I have an american car, And i put him in the trunk, And i kidnapped him.
" Does that help? Did it hurt? Don't worry About a thing, pal.
Everything's under control.
You just rest up.
You gonna watch the show On the satellite feed? Larry: yeah.
Who'd you get to host? How far down the list Do i have to go? Actually, we're Off the list--hank.
[Retching.]
Larry? Artie, it's beverly.
Larry's vomiting again.
Can we get back to you? Oh, certainly.
[Retching.]
Mr.
Wendt! Hi.
I'm phil, The best writer.
Thanks for doing the show.
No problem.
There's been A little change.
Larry's sick, And so we have to have Somebody filling in For him tonight.
Oh, no.
Is he ok, though? Oh, he'll be fine.
Who's gonna host? UhHank.
Hank? Well, that's cool.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Well, um Oh, my god.
I should give you The opportunity now That if you want to Say anything about-- No, no, no.
I'm fine with hank.
You don't have to be Nice about this.
You have a problem With hank? No, no.
Hank's great.
It's just that, uh, It's his first show, And he's a little green.
Well, that's all right.
I did conan's First show, so You have to remember.
Yes, i do, And i forgive you.
[Under his breath.]
Shit! "George wendt, Angela lansbury, And comedian Jeff cesario.
" Hank: good! "And now, because Everybody else In show business Was out of town Or in rehab--" Yes.
"Hey, now! Hey--hey, now! Hank kingsley!" Ok, good.
Good.
Your instincts Are absolutely right.
You mind? No.
Just my opinion, But i think you want to go, You know, 2 notes, But you want to go up On the second note.
KingKings ley! Kings-leyyyy! Kind of A flaired-out riff.
No.
B-flat.
Kings-ley! Kings-leyyyyy! You've got the ear! You got it! There it is.
All right.
Shadoe, how's it going? Oh, great.
Perfect.
Would you do me a favor, Give me a few moments With, uh Oh, sure.
No problem.
The man Is a vocal god.
Indeed he is.
Love you on dave's world, kiddo.
Thank you, bernadine.
Ok? Ok.
I'm fine.
I'm just trying to pick out The right tie for the show.
What about this one? You think that one? Oh, definitely.
Ok.
That's the one.
You're the boss.
And, uh, you know, I ordered some pineapple.
Have you seen My pineapple? No, i haven't seen it, But i'll get right on it.
I was talking to larry.
He sends his best.
Great.
And, uh, The shoes aren't right.
What's wrong with them? They're just not right, You know? And i ordered some bud.
Should i be concerned? Hmm? Don't make me do this.
Ok? I just can't Do this.
I'm not I'm not up to this.
Don't make me.
Come on.
Paula's out there.
She's waiting To go over the guest Questions with you.
I'll be a few feet away At the monitor.
We're just So thrilled for you.
We just want to Support you, buddy.
What if i suck? Never! Yeah, what if i suck? After all this time, I finally get my chance, And what if i just suck? You know, i'm serious.
Maybe i shouldn't Get my chance And then i don't Have to find out i suck.
Breathe in.
[Quivering breath.]
What if i suck? Let it out.
What if i suck? Ready? No.
Breathe in.
Let it out.
You ready? No.
Here he is.
Ok, now, if you get In trouble, You just go to the cards, You'll be fine.
All the guests know It's your first time hosting, And they're cool with it.
But why'd you tell them? They were gonna find out Sooner or later anyway.
Um, just put these In the desk, and, uh Here.
Thank you.
I have a very good feeling About all this, hank.
What are you drinking? Red zinger and gin.
You'll be great.
Arthur: Shadoe stevens: Live on tape From hollywood This is Your first card.
You got it? Ok, sid.
This is your mark.
Ready? Listen to me, buddy.
I been in this business, Man and boy, Almost 40 years.
I know things, hank.
Let me tell you one Of the things i know.
You do not suck! Shadoe stevens: Hey, now! Hank kings-leyyy! That's one of the kindest Things anyone has Ever said to me.
[Applause.]
Thank you.
Wow.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Now, before we goes Before we goes on I want to send A special message to my boss, My friend, mr.
Larry sanders.
Get well soon, buddy.
Things aren't the same Without ya! [Applause.]
Well, thank you.
Even though larry Wouldn't be Couldn't be here tonight, I know he's comfortable.
I have an american car, And the trunk is quite spacious.
[Laughter.]
Thank you.
Now, uh, say, did you Read the paper this morning? Tennis star jennifer capriati Is in the drug rehab.
I mean, is this Really a surprise? I seem to remember people All the time saying She preferred Playing on grass.
[Laughter.]
How's hank doing? He just got His first big laugh.
Good for hank.
You don't understand.
This is gonna go Right to his head.
He's going to be a huge, Huge pain in the ass.
You know jimmy woods? That's nothing.
You know, my father always Told me to tell the truth, So if it isn't obvious, I'm really terrified.
So you're probably Not going to see A really great show Tonight.
[Laughter.]
Man: Go, hank, go! [Applause.]
Ok, uh [Chanting and clapping.]
Hank! Hank! Hank! Hank! Hank! Hank! Hank! [Chanting continues.]
All right.
All right.
All right.
Ok, ok, so, You want to do this? Audience: Yeah! I mean, You want to do this?! Yeah! Ok, we've got George wendt, Angela lansbury, Jeff cesario! Hey, now! Don't go away! That's it.
The chair.
Chair.
The chair.
No, no, your chair.
You're over there.
'Cause i love This man! I love this man, This guy.
[Applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Uh, well, i think You have an embarrassing Incident that happened Somewhere in, uh Hank.
Amsterdam? What are you doing With those cards? They told me To read the cards.
Hank, you don't have to Read those things.
Come on.
Give me those things.
What do you got here? What do you have? Hank, cards are a crutch.
They're a crutch.
[Laughing.]
There goes-- Thank you and good night.
Hank, you don't need The cards.
I need the cards.
Larry needs the cards.
This man doesn't need them.
He's wonderful.
Hank, just-- [Applause.]
Yay! Ha! Yah! Nice.
Good job.
You did it, hank.
I have to be honest.
I thought we were going To have to warn people To watch this show Through a pin hole And a piece of cardboard.
But you made it, buddy.
Oh, man, thank you, thank you.
Thank you, everyone.
Oh, man, i'm tired.
Now i know why larry Is so puffed up.
Listen, you go home, Get some sleep.
You deserve it.
Darlene, You going to drive him? You bet.
Ok, folks, let's hear it For shadoe stevens.
Yeah! And the great Hank kingsley! Yeah! Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Who are you? Ha ha ha ha! Good morning, ladies! Morning, artie.
What's the news From the sick bed, beverly? Well, artie, he's over That food poisoning, But last night, He ran into the bathroom, And he slipped and fell And hit his head on the john.
Oh, shit.
No, no.
He's ok.
It's a minor concussion, But it's serious enough To get those pain killers He's been after.
Yay! He's here, everybody! Yay! Thank you very much.
Easy, easy.
Messages? You were great Last night, hank.
As good as larry, Maybe even better.
Good morning, my boy.
Still flushed with victory? Yes, i am flushed With victory.
You sound A little surprised I did so well.
Oh? I'm glad i'm not Playing poker anytime soon.
Beverly: Hey, hank? Yeah.
You were great! You were great! Thank you.
You were great.
Yeah.
Good job Last night.
Well, you're Very excited.
Can you get me A coffee? No.
No, i book talent.
I don't get coffee.
Oh, fine.
Then could you book David copperfield On the show, And when he gets here, Have him pull a cup Of coffee out of his ass? Ah-ha! Decaf? Serious.
Hank, telephone.
It's larry.
Fucking cup of coffee.
I think he wants To congratulate you.
Larry.
Hey, how you feeling, Buddy? You all right? Mm.
Thank you.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Uh-huh.
Well, you know, You left me Some mighty big shoes To fill.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
That's very nice of you.
Listen, you get back here Because no one Can do this show Quite like you.
Ok? Very good.
Very good.
Yeah.
I'll see you soon.
Ok.
So? So? Uh, hank, what are you Doing in here? Well, correct me If i'm wrong, But the procedure is The guest host Gets to use larry's Office, right? Yes.
The guest host, Which you are not.
You have an office Of your own, hank, So come on.
Let's get out of here.
Run along.
Come on.
Your tone Is very grating.
I'd appreciate it If you switched desks With darlene.
I'd like her A little closer To me today.
Hank, please, Don't make me mad.
Don't you make me mad! Darlene, sweetheart, I want you to switch Desks with beverly.
That's ok, hank.
I love my desk.
Uh, hank, would you like it If i called larry about this? Because if i do, You know he'll give me The go-ahead To kick your balls right out Through the top of your head! Oh, language! What the hell Is going on? Artie, will you talk To this woman? Uh, beverly, thank you! Artie, the guest host Gets larry's office.
Is that right? That's right, hank.
I'm sure richard lewis Would appreciate it If you weren't sharing The space with him.
Ahem.
Richard lewis? Yes.
Paula and i Talked to him yesterday.
He couldn't do it Last night.
He wanted To do it tonight.
Oh, wow.
Hey.
Hey, i saved Your asses last night.
This is the--the fucking Gratitude i get? I mean, come on.
Look in front Of your face.
It's me, ok? It's hank kingsley.
I can do this job.
I can do this job Better than Any outside person.
Come on.
Wake up.
Look at the reviews.
All right "Kingsley's Winning demeanor Took sanders' place With relative ease.
" Look at this one.
"Kingsley proved himself Completely maladroit In the host's chair.
" Hank, "adroit" means "able.
" "Mal" means "bad" or "not.
" Put 'em together.
Maladroit--not able.
capisce? Beverly, Get larry on the phone.
I'm doing that right now, Artie.
I want you to tell him Everything.
Oh, no, artie.
I'm going To save that "maladroit" Thing for you.
Richard lewis, Hank kingsley.
How you doin'? Listen, i'll be real short.
I just think it's great That you're hosting The show tonight.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Question--are you gonna Be doing your usual shtick? No, no, i love it.
It's just that Ah! I don't want to Get into this.
I don't Well, it's funny Because last week, Larry and arthur Were talking, And one of them said That they thought The whole neurotic jewish Person thing that you do Is, uh-- What'd he say? Predictably, uh, banal.
I'm sorry to call you When you're Feeling low, buddy.
No, i'm fine, artie.
I pass out unexpectedly, But other than that, I feel better than the night We had jennifer tilly on.
Well, richard lewis Dropped out.
I'm sure hank got On the phone with him.
That crazy Son of a bitch.
I don't think Richard's that crazy.
I think that's just an act.
I meant hank.
I don't say this Often, larry, But i made a mistake.
I should have canceled Last night's show Instead of putting Hank on.
Last night he was A crying mess [Thud.]
Oh! Now he's the ass Ofthe western world.
I think there's Only one way Out of this.
It's risky, But i really don't have Any other choice.
Artie? Yeah? Hey, what's happenin'? "I think socks had something To do with that decision.
" It's not funny.
I beg your pardon? What word do you Have trouble with? You understand "not"? That's comfortable for you? And "funny.
" You've heard of that? This doesn't work.
"I think socks Had something to do With that decision.
" See? Now i'm laughing.
Well, laugh loud So you can cover For the rest of us.
Hey, hey! You like your job? No.
Well, watch it.
You may go.
Oh, may i? Thank you.
Come on, sid.
Watch it, Asshole.
What? What?! You've changed, hank.
There's a darkness Around you.
Good, fine.
There's a darkness.
Are you ok? I'm gonna tell you Something.
I prayed.
I mean, i actually Got down on my knees, And i prayed that larry Would stay sick So i could host The show tonight.
I mean, i wished This man unwell.
Do you understand that? Oh, god, hank, no.
I'm still doing it.
I hope he gets sick Through the weekend And on until the week After that And the week after that.
Hank, don't! You don't get it, Do you? You see, it's not larry Who is sick.
It's me.
Yes, it's me.
I am very sick.
I am a sicko.
I'm so fucking sick.
But i'm finally Where i belong.
Shadoe stevens: Hank kings-leyyy! [Applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Don't adjust your vertical, Don't adjust your horizontal.
There's nothing wrong With your set.
It is me again.
Ok, here we go.
President clinton announced We'll be trading tuna With the japanese.
I'm sure socks had something To do with that decision.
[Woman laughs.]
[Scattered laughter.]
See, that's interesting Because i told Our head writer That that was, you know, A little off, But he's such A hopeless retard that [Audience groans.]
Easy, now.
All right, so Man: you suck! Take a seat.
You will issue an apology About the remarks About The mentally challenged, A healthy donation To, let's say, The down syndrome people Wouldn't hurt.
But you should send A gift basket To john cusack About that remark You made about his sister.
And you should send One for each time you Called him little richard.
Oh, i'm so sorry.
It just got away From me.
Oh, no, hank.
It really got away.
It's down In bolivia by now.
Now, hank, What have we learned here? When you're vulnerable And humble, people like you.
When you act like an asshole, People tend to think of you As an asshole.
Are you gonna Air tonight's show? No.
We'll put on the best of larry.
But i'll always have A copy of tonight's show Close by.
Just keep that in mind Next time You want to throw Your weight around.
You may go.
Larry on speakerphone: Is he gone yet? Don't let The doorknob Hit you in the ass.
Larry: oops.
Was that him? Yep.
Larry? Yeah? I think we've learned Some valuable lessons here.
That close to air, We'll cancel.
Is on the couch Where he does His best work.
And 3--always Let beverly go into That yogurt shop alone.
I'll admit, i may have Mishandled this affair, But everything turned out For the best.
And i think you see That it's gonna be All right.
[Thud.]
Oh! You agree, right? Hey, artie? What's happenin'?