The League s03e06 Episode Script

This is nice.
Brother lunch.
So, uh, how's Jenny doing? Oh, you know she's Ah, it was a rhetorical question.
Okay.
Well, since we're he, there's something I want to talk to you about.
You have to start setting a lineup every single week.
I don't already do that? No, you don't.
People are starting to question your loyalty.
Okay.
I mean, what are you doing all day long, you can't take five minutes to set a lineup? What aren't you doing that you're not? So another rhetorical question? No.
I want specifics.
What do you do with your time? Your aimlessness fascinates me.
Well, I'm not sitting around eating a beef bucket.
Well, this beef bucket is actually research for work that I'm doing.
Yobagoya's having a jingle competition, and if I win it, I get Yobagoya for life.
A lifetime to be brutally cut short by colon cancer.
Well, you used to eat it all the time.
Those were shame meals.
I mean, does that even taste good to you? It's not about what it tastes like, my friend.
$2.
99 for a bucket of beef.
Taco, you can't buy a bucket of nails for $2.
99.
Table for three? No, no, this is a brother's lunch.
What's up, my brother? Wow, what is that? Oh, this is something I made from something I found.
Okay, you can go now.
I'm an urban forager.
It's no big deal.
Actually, it's a huge deal.
Urban foraging is the new way to eat.
The best most adventurous local eating can be found by just putting on your Wellies and going foraging.
How do you have time for this? Doesn't anybody work? Weeds and fruit that you would never think to eat are actually delicacies.
Even clams and snails.
Urban nails? Oh, yeah.
Slugs? It's disgusting.
Hold that thought.
What? Mustard greens.
Do you see that? No.
There are mustard greens here.
What are you doing? This is great! Don't go in there.
That's tras Andre? What are you? Oh, guys, there's so much here.
You want some of this? No! Do not put that in your mouth.
That is disgusting.
Mushroom caps and Oh, no, that's a condom.
All right, so what are we working on here now? We got the cheap Mexican paint cans exploding.
Allegedly.
Drug companies, erectile dysfunction medication causes brain lesions.
Well, I know firsthand that that's false.
We got a class-action lawsuit against the YobagoYoya food chain for negligent food handling that's making people sick.
It's not the handling, it's the food itself.
What'd you say? I said it's the Say it! Say it.
It's the food, not the food handling that's unsanitary.
It's a bunch of horse meat.
North Koreans wouldn't even eat it.
Ah! What a great defense! Yeah, if you're gonna pay $2.
99 for three pounds of horse meat, there's a reasonable expectation that your colon's gonna implode.
That's good.
What's your name? Ruxin, sir.
No, it's not.
Well, it's "Rodney," but everybody calls me Ruxin.
Skippy.
You're Skippy.
Whatever you want.
You and I, we're gonna be working on this one together.
All right! Nice! I look forward to it.
Should I come by your office, Mr.
Hudabega? Slow down.
Hey, can I check your computer real quick? I just want to mess with my lineup a little bit, make a few adjustments before the game starts.
Tinker away, Tinkerbell, straight to Never-Never Win Land.
Will do, Captain Hooker.
Bless you.
Are you sick? No.
You sound sick.
I'm not sick.
Well, I just touched your keyboard which you were just touching with your sick hands.
I'm not sick.
Why are you sneezing? I have allergies.
What are you allergic to? I don't know.
Dust? That makes sense 'cause you have a filthy house.
Did the game start yet? Nope.
God, unbelievable.
Traffic is insane.
There's a traffic light out, and they have one of those annoying cops directing traffic with the white gloves.
Oh, I love the gloves.
Who decided it was a good idea to replace a traffic light with an asshole? Okay, easy does it.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Anything complicated? No, I have to pee-pee.
What are you, like, a four-year-old gay kid? Okay, this is driving me nuts.
Taco has not set his lineup again.
Surprise! It's not acceptable, okay? It's absentee ownership, and I don't like it.
I think it's great.
It's like we have a little Furtado wild card in our league.
I'm changing his lineup.
You can't do that.
That's illegal.
He has three kickers; that is illegal.
Let's see, his team name password is "Taco.
" What do you think his password is? Uh, let me see that for a second.
Hey! You know what? Give me, just give me the computer.
No, I don't have to give it back.
Are you covering for him? No! Relax! I know you're covering for him.
Just relax.
You're in my house using my computer.
Oh, Taco, this is a mess! Smallhandsonballs.
net is not up and running right now.
That's not what I'm checking.
Let me see it! Just let me see it! Okay, this, okay, looks good.
Let me do what I need to do! Wow, look at this.
It looks like Taco just set his lineup.
What? What a coincidence.
You got to be kidding me.
It's all changed.
This is full-on family collusion here.
Just a coincidence.
Oh, look at you, your little shadow government colluding together behind closed doors.
Let me tell you guys something.
It will not stand.
You were so busy trying to save your brothers ass that you scurried in here without washing your hands, you filthy filth monster.
No, I didn't wash my hands if you must know.
- I have - You didn't wash your hands?! No, Ellie, I didn't wash my hands.
You always tell me to wash my hands.
Ellie, it is important for you to wash your hands, but sometimes grownups don't have You still didn't wash your hands! Mom, we should ground him! We should totally ground him.
Yeah! Daddy's been a bad boy.
Yeah, Daddy should get spanked.
Maybe you should get a strap-on Ah! Da-da-di! Ellie, go in the other room.
Get some ice cream.
There's ice cream in the other room.
Strap-on? You are sick.
Allergies.
What is this, Night Court? Court is now in session.
The Honorable Judge Ruxin presiding.
It's the Chosen People's Court.
Now, citizens of the League, there is no greater threat to league integrity than an uncommitted owner.
Taco's lack of interest is a black mark upon our league.
He's still starting Kenny Britt who's been injured for weeks.
And while I have no respect for individual members of this league Ugh! I have a tremendous amount of respect for the League itself.
This is bordering on sincerity.
And as your league champion, I, Rodney Ruxin, submit that if Taco does not start a lineup with active NFL players, not NHL, CFL, WWE or Panthro from the Thundercats, that he shall be kicked out of this league.
What? I have spoken! Taco is vital to the league.
He's our heart.
Yeah, and he's good for easy wins.
All right, we got to put a stop to this.
Shadow government all in.
Yeah, all right.
One, two, three.
We were never here! I know you guys are planning something so don't.
Because I am watching you.
What the? Traffic light's out again.
There he is, there's Glovesy.
Who's Glovesy? The asshole under the traffic light.
I kind of like him.
He's got mad skills.
Check out those gloves.
Yeah, Michael Flatley's got mad skills.
Doesn't mean I want to go watch him dance, okay? Have you ever seen him dance? Andre I got tickets Don't try to get me to see Michael Flatley again.
Give it a chance.
You-you never A field of dandelion greens.
It's a bunch of weeds, Andre.
Au contraire, mon frère.
I got to check this out.
Really? No foraging.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Andre, get in the car.
Oh, now you want me to go.
Well, I have to wait now 'cause my moron friend is getting dandelion greens.
Look at this.
Look at these.
Andre, come on, please.
Andre, we have to get in the r.
I know.
One second, please.
Andre, let's go.
Use your words.
Speak.
So sorry.
Sorry.
Smell this.
Smells like shit.
You got to clean them, of course.
Yes, I understand.
Oh, now we're going.
Now we're going.
Whatever.
Now we've had a great open house today, but I know when we look around the classroom, we don't see all of our classmates or all of their parents.
It's cold and flu season.
That's why we've been talking so much about germs and Germy.
Remember, don't let Germy stay with you.
Now I hear that someone in here has a parent who never ever washes their hands.
Is that all right, children? No.
Now I know it was Ellie that told her about what happened here the other day, with me and the hands and the washing and the Ruxin situation.
So now Mrs.
Hobarth thinks that I'm a beast.
I'm an animal.
That I am the living Germy.
Can we focus here? Trying to win a jingle competition.
Oh, pardon me.
What about this? Yobagoya, our safety record is spotless Serving undiseased meat from a from a diseased carcass.
Nailed it.
That's it.
Aw.
You look like shit.
I wonder why.
'Cause I'm sick.
I didn't get you sick.
I was fine until I came over here and now you got me sick.
And you faked it, just like the Giants faked that injury at that Monday night football game.
Fine, I'm sick.
You win.
No, you won, 'cause you got me sick, 'cause you're a filthy beast, and you live in this disgusting hovel.
And your daughter's just a petri dish with pigtails.
Jump in at any time, Kevin.
Huh? Don't talk about my wife like that.
Oh, and your goddamn Neanderthal of a husband who doesn't wash his hands after he goes to Yobagoya.
Oh, God, you people disgust me.
You're all a bunch of filthy Germys.
Oh, Ruxin, it looks like you may be getting sick.
Oh, you think so, Sherlock Homeless? This couldn't be coming at a worse time for me.
I finally have a case with a big partner, Mr.
Hudabega, and he's a fastidious guy.
I can't be sick around him.
That's why I got a new suit.
I got a haircut.
And now That's actually kind of refreshing.
Hey, Kevin.
Andre.
Just calling to make sure that you will be at my foraging dinner this Saturday.
Everyone's coming.
Uh, I got to go.
What's this? Wood sorrel? By the highway? Yodel this.
So we got a new case.
It's a mining company that's pumping toxic sludge into a pristine wilderness.
Or is it the local Amish community? Hey, Skippy, come here.
Have a seat right here.
No, I can You're working with me.
Okay.
Bless you? That wasn't a sneeze, sir.
I hit my nose.
You're sounding hoarse.
I went to a concert last night.
Who'd you see? Barry Manilow.
You sure you're not sick? Yeah.
'Cause if you're sick, I don't want you sitting next to me.
There's no crime in being sick.
People get sick all the time.
The crime is when people don't admit they're sick.
Yeah, I'm not sick.
What is it? Allergies.
Allergies? What kind of allergies do you have? Bees.
I'm terribly allergic to bees.
My brother's allergic to bees! That's unbelievable.
Yeah.
You and my brother.
Did you get stung? No.
No, there's probably just a bee in here somewhere.
Got him.
Where were we? We're going to put those Amish in prison.
Ah! The theme of tonight's meal is a celebration of urban foraging.
Everything at this table can be found in this city for free.
The turnips from just across the highway.
Look at this.
I don't even think it's clean.
Who's going to eat that? It doesn't need to be washed.
Where's the food.
This is the food.
It's all local, organic and from the streets in which we live.
Grocery store is local.
Why can't we forage there? No, that doesn't count.
I'll go forage up a pepperoni pizza right now.
Cheese in the crust.
I would love it.
Can you just try some of the turnips? And I'm going to bring you back something that I found under the El train that is going to knock your socks off.
Oh, God.
Ugh.
I'm not eating this crap.
How many cocktails are you having tonight? As many as I can get down my gullet.
I can't believe I waited an hour in traffic to eat snails.
Why were you in traffic for a whole hour? It's goddamn Glovesy okay? He's out there directing traffic.
He's making it worse.
May I present to you Shit burgers? Hen-of-the-wood mushrooms over a bed of arugula.
They need no sort of seasoning because they have their own kind of pungent aroma.
Yobagoya, the taste will destroy ya The cheapest bucket of beef in Illinoi-a.
Yobagoya! No! Guess who won the jingle contest? You did! Free Yobagoya for life.
Dig in, fellas.
All right, let me in here.
We're having an urban foraging dinner.
Delicious.
This was all local and it was all free.
Beautiful.
It's not the same thing.
Oh, God, here comes college Kevin.
Mao it, baby.
You know what, you have a category five Yobagoya storm hitting mainland in about ten hours.
So I hope your colon's ready.
Yobagoya! Free colonic.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
So this is where the shadow government meets, huh? You were not invited because you're sick.
Yeah, but I'm here to make sure that Taco sets his own lineup, and none of you guys do it for him.
I already set my lineup.
No, you just changed your profile picture to a horse having sex.
Correction-- that was a pony having sex with a human.
Who's human? Andre? Fives.
Come on, five? No, no, why would I high-five that? You don't have to do that, Taco.
No, it's okay.
I think I can set my lines up.
Look, it needs to be accurate or you, my friend, are getting fad.
All right, you new password is in Hey.
You changed his password.
Yeah, so that none of you bozos could do any funny business.
Miss Wanna Be Okay.
Where are the bye weeks? Ah! You don't say a word, nothing about any bye weeks.
No helping him.
If he plays anyone who is not a bye, he is out.
I know how it works.
Take the bye players out, put in straight ones.
Ah.
Bi-players? Right.
What, is, uh, is Andre in the league all of a sudden? Come on, fives, man.
No.
I'm not high-fiving that.
Give me fives, bro.
Okay.
So I'll just set my lineup.
Mm-hmm.
Just Uh, oh, I think I did something wrong, here.
What are you Why are you in History? I don't know.
I don't know how to get out of here.
It's okay, you'll get there.
Uh oh.
What's this? Forag-acation.
Whoa! Wow.
This is not I don't know how that got here.
I-I swear, it just came up.
I was Googling, and it just I didn't know.
Is that why we're in the "Members" ea? What, uh, was Sierra Chap blocked? Fives.
Oh, come on, man.
Too far.
Here we go.
Let's do this.
You know what you're doing.
Come on.
Okay.
The top part is empty.
So I need to put a kicker there.
No.
I do not need to put a kicker there, I need to put a quarterback in.
Yeah.
That would be So I will just put in G.
Jennings.
No, I won't put Jennings in, 'cause I'll go lower, and I think that I will maybe put Br Cam Cam? Came Newtown? Cam Newton, in.
There we go.
And next What are you doing back there, man? Oh, I the Yobagoya stinks, man, I can't sit by that.
All right, I also need a RB.
Runner.
Run running back.
Okay.
Oh, I'll just put Charles.
R.
Charles I You don't want to Why? Shut it.
Because his knee I'll just go up, to this blow j B.
J Brandon Jacobs.
Oh! I'll do that.
And put him in.
There we go.
Submit.
Oh ho ho ho! Oh, man, that was easy.
I'm gonna do this more often.
Geez.
All right, Glovesy.
Looking good, buddy.
Do your little dance.
You're right, let me through.
You're gonna, you're just gonna stop me? All right, come on, Glovesy, give me my turn.
Hey, it's my turn, Glovesy! Hey, come on! Hey! Oh, you want to make this personal? Oh, okay.
All right.
I see how we're going to do this.
Hey.
You're not giving equal attention to all t lanes.
Sir, get back in your car.
Oh, it speaks! Look at this! Yes, it speaks.
I'll tell you what.
Glovesy.
Glovesy? Glovesy, yeah.
You just called me Glovesy? That's your name.
No, it's not my name.
We all call you Glovesy.
Everybody.
My name's Horace.
Hey, Horace you're not special just 'cause you got some garden gloves and a little coach whistle, okay? These are traffic gloves Oh.
This is a traffic whistle.
Take the gloves off, sir.
These are traffic gloves, too! I can direct a little bit of traffic, too.
Let's direct some this way.
No, no-no-no-no.
Sir, get back in your car.
I think we can just take these gloves, and I'll just direct it right right up in there! No! No, it's going to go out of there.
No, it's going in there.
It's out of there.
I'll put it in your mouth.
It's out of my mouth.
I'll put it right here, too.
No.
I stand here.
No, I stand here.
No, I stand here! No, I stand here! I stand here! I stand here! No! Take them off! Take them off! Shove me out! Take them off! Take them off! Wow, brother.
See, that looks bad.
Tell you what.
You hold on to these.
My hands are clean.
Good luck with this, by the way.
Have fun.
Come back here.
Come back here! You are really, really, really impressing me.
That defense that you came up with for the Yamag Yabagoyas.
Yabagoya? Yeah.
It was just genius! The way I'm looking at it, if you can't afford a porterhouse, then you deserve hepatitis! And at first, I saw you, you reminded me of the son that I never had if I, if I impregnated a waitress.
You know what you are now? You know what you are to me? You're the son that I would have if I stuffed it in my media coach.
Where's my ball? Oh, here we go.
Oh! Look! This isn't my ball! Why'd you stop? I don't know what the right answer is, sir.
Come on! Doesn't make sense.
I know.
Are you a betting man? Yeah.
Payton Hillis.
Cleveland? Out sick.
That's bad, right? Well, yeah.
The good thing is, he called in sick.
He's not gonna get the other employees sick, now is he? I would never do that either, sir.
Of course not.
Why would you do that? Right.
You know what? Only assholes would come to work and get other pe sople sick.
Copy that.
I'll be right out there, Mr.
Hudabega.
Okay.
I just gotta get Peyton Hillis out of my lineup.
Why isn't there Internet in this goddamn golf cart? Call Kevin.
This is unbelievable.
It's not moving.
Hello? Hey, Kevin, it's Ruxin.
I gotta be fast, 'cause my phone's about to die.
Oh, hi, Ruxin.
How are you? I'm fine.
Can you please take Peyton Hillis out of my lineup, please? Yeah, I-I don't think I can do it, I'm stuck in traffic and I can't pull over to the side right now.
Plus, that would be the same as us helping Taco, and we would never want to be accused of starting a shadow government here.
Kevin Kevin? Hello? Okay.
Ha ha, ha ha! I gotcha.
You're sick! Uh-uh.
You lied! No.
Robbie.
What? You lied to me! It's Ruxin.
You lied to me! You're sick! I'm not sick.
Why'd you lie? No, no! Come on, cover your mouth.
Cover your mouth.
What are you, an animal? I got, I got stung by a bee.
I'm allergic to bees.
Oh.
I got an EpiPen.
I don't need an EpiPen.
No.
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
Yeah? No! No gno good.
Okay.
Oh, I got another one.
I got another one right here.
Here.
This one, in the throat.
No-no-no! I'm sick, I'm not allergic to bees, I'm sick! You lied to me? No! Is that my phone? You shit-zipper! There's nothing moving.
I just see taillights.
This is where we live now.
Yobagoya, Yobagoya, Y-Y-Y-Y-Yobagoya! Oh, my God, come on! Come on.
Ooh, Yobagoya.
You okay? You're a little sweaty.
Yeah, well I got a pain.
Oh, God, I'm living my worst nightmare.
I'm going to go Yobagoya in my car.
No, you're not! Daddy, hold it! I can do this.
Yobagoya, Yobagoya, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yobagoya, Yobagoya, The taste will destroy ya, The cheapest bucket of beef in Illinoi-a, Yobagoya, Yobagoya, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yobagoya Yobagoya makes you jump for joya What kind of meat is it? It's a mystery for ya Legally we're not allowed to call it meat So bring the whole family For a tasty brown treat I can't! Daddy? Yobagoya! Kevin! Yobagoya! Kevin, don't! Yobagoya, Yobagoya Dad, hold it! Kevin, no.
Oh, oh, oh! Mr.
McArthur? Yobagoya! Hold it! What are you doing? Yobagoya Yoba Hold it! No! No.
What are you doing? Oh, no.
No.
What is wrong with you? No Oh, God You're just an animal.
I am not an animal.
No, an animal has dignity.
I have dig Oh Yobagoya.