The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017) s03e06 Episode Script
Kind of Bleu
1 - Good morning - Good morning We've talked the whole night through - Good morning - Good morning to you Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late Good morning, good morning to you When the band began to play The stars were shining bright Now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say good night So, good morning, good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through Good morning, good morning, to you And you and you and you Good morning, good morning We've gabbed the whole night through Good morning, good morning to you Nothing could be grander than to be in Louisiana In the morning, in the morning It's great to stay up late Good morning, good morning to you I'd be just as zippy if it wasn't Mississippi When we left the movie show, the future wasn't bright But came the dawn, the show goes on And I don't want to say good night - So say good morning - Good morning Rainbows are shining through - Good morning, good morning - (SHRIEKS) - Bonjour - Monsieur - Buenos dÃas - Muchas frÃas - Buongiorno - Montichorno - Guten morgen - Blakich morgen Good morning to you.
All set.
Here's your key.
I had your luggage moved to your new room, so by the time you're done with breakfast - you'll be all settled in.
- Done with breakfast? Why would we ever be done with breakfast? I'll be done with breakfast when I'm starting lunch.
Breakfast is perfect and this hotel is perfect.
I slept like a baby.
Not a fussy baby.
One of those quiet babies.
I slept like I was on Seconal.
Because I was on Seconal.
These pancakes have coconut in them.
- You have to try one.
- I believe I will.
So what's on the agenda for today? Well, I plan to spend the day not being around Moishe and Shirley.
Oh, that sounds wonderful.
I'll join you.
(BOTH LAUGH) I have to say, it's nice to see you guys so happy and relaxed.
Maybe you can try and stay that way for my show tonight.
- Miriam, you should try the coconut pancake.
- I don't like coconut.
Oh, you can't taste the coconut.
It just tastes like pancake.
My show starts at 8:00.
We could have dinner after - if you don't mind eating late.
- I can taste the coconut.
Can you? Maybe I should try it again.
I put a great table aside for you.
Nope.
Still can't taste it.
Mama? Papa? - Hey, hey, hey.
There's coconut in there.
- What the I was eating that.
I slept on a lounge chair for you two.
What does that mean? That's jazz slang.
"Slept on a lounge chair".
Like, "Hey, man, it's cool.
I slept on a lounge chair for you".
No, it's not slang.
I literally slept on a lounge chair.
Look.
Slat face.
Now, it's cool.
I was happy to do it.
But, in exchange, you have to come to my show.
Question: are you going to talk about my Absolutely not.
The act is clean.
Well, that helps me.
Rose? Mama? I think you'll be really proud.
And after my act, you can see Shy perform.
I'll even introduce you.
- I don't have anything to wear to meet Shy Baldwin.
- We'll go shopping.
I have a work gathering in a little bit, but afterward, we can hit the stores.
- It'll be fun.
- I can't spend money on clothes.
That's true.
We are on a budget.
- Mm-hmm.
- No fun.
Oh, that reminds me.
Did you remember to cancel the Steiner bungalow? What? No.
Why? - Why what? - We're not canceling the Catskills.
- ABE: But you can't go.
- Who says? Well, you're on tour.
You're working, so you say.
Not every day.
I'm sure there's a window here somewhere.
Okay.
May is out, obviously, but let's look at June.
June's bad.
July.
I'm sure I can make July No, I can't.
Oh, wait.
How about Oh, crap.
I'm in Baltimore.
But August is much, much August is bad, too.
What's the time difference between the Catskills and Stockholm? Because I think, if there's a late flight, I could make it back, uh Nope.
Aha.
Wait.
I have two days in September.
- The eighth and the 15th.
- They're not even together.
And they're after Labor Day.
I mean We have to go to the Catskills.
I've gone every year of my life.
Our identity as a family depends on showing up.
What will people think? That your father's lost his job and you're doing costumes for Shy Baldwin.
I'm opening for Shy Baldwin.
Yes, but costumes is so much more ladylike, don't you think? Fine.
ABE: You know, you're right.
- These don't taste like coconut at all.
- Mm.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - (PIANO PLAYING) (WOMAN SINGING) - Is she okay? - She's fine.
- The investors are here.
- I know, Bernie.
They came to see a full run-through of the show - and they expect to be wowed.
- I know, Bernie.
Wowed in a good way, not in a "Wow, we gave you all that money for this?" way.
That "this" was in a horrified tone.
Did you get that? Bernie, shut up, she's fine.
I promise, you will not have to blow these guys for money again.
Well, that's a relief.
First run-through.
Very exciting.
Quick question.
She looks comatose - Gavin.
- and I don't know how much you understand about the dramatic process, but comatose actors tend to be a tad difficult to work with.
She's just concentrating.
Is she going to be able to talk? Yes.
I know I make it seem like all I care about is money and I do care about money a great deal but I'm also an artist with a rather storied reputation, and that woman over there is completely freaking me out.
- Relax.
- I can't look ridiculous for taking this job.
I just can't.
Not without car service thrown in.
You will not look ridiculous, I promise.
Go in.
She'll be there in a minute.
- Hey.
- Hmm? Is she alive? Yep.
Okay, everyone, time to assemble.
The run-through starts in ten minutes.
Ten minutes.
MAN: Hey, Patrick Hi, Sophie.
Don't want to interrupt your whatever, but the run-through is starting.
Now, I know that the investors are here, but I don't want it to throw you, okay? Just do your work.
Hmm? It's all anyone expects of you at this point.
Just your work.
And getting up.
People expect that, too.
(SIGHS) - Sophie (GASPS) - (INHALES SHARPLY) Jesus! Fuck! F This job is gonna kill me.
GAVIN: Welcome, everyone.
Thank you for coming to the very first run-through of my brand-new, groundbreaking production, - Miss Julie.
- (APPLAUSE) (QUIET MUTTERING) It's gonna work.
It's gonna fucking work, Bernie! - Did you see that? It's gonna work.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
(LAUGHS) Gavin! I'm sorry, was that comatose? - It was not.
- It was fucking not! Hey, did you see her? Did you see Sophie? - Was great or was she great? - She was great.
She was fucking great.
It's gonna goddamn work! - Hey, investor guy.
- Yes? Did you see her? She was great! It's gonna work.
Hey, coffee person, did you see that rehearsal? It is gonna work.
Hey, you, did you see that? It's gonna work.
I'm here to pick up my daughter from dance class.
Like I give a shit.
Just spread the word.
Sophie Lennon can act, and it's gonna work! (LAUGHS) (GRUNTS) (PHONE RINGING) Hello? - You called? - Yes.
- Three times? - Well, I wanted to talk to you.
You do know that I call you back when I get a message.
- Thought maybe it got lost.
- Never gets lost.
Sometimes it does.
- Has never happened.
- June 1957, you didn't get my message and there was no milk in the morning.
Yet somehow, you survived to talk about it.
I was thinking you could bring the kids to Florida.
You called three times for that? You only called twice when you went into labor.
Well, I'm here, my parents are here.
I could get you a room and we could have a crazy family vacation.
- I can't come to Florida.
- Why not? I have a job, a life.
Oh, come on.
Just for a few days.
We just got remarried.
We never had a proper honeymoon.
- Sorry.
What's your next stop? - Toledo.
You should've led with Toledo so I'd consider Florida.
Joel, I'm on tour all summer, so the kids aren't going to the Catskills.
They won't have their summer fun thing.
This could be their summer fun thing, with reptiles.
- Oh.
- What? Well, actually, I remembered to book myself a room at Steiner this year, so - I can take them.
- Oh.
You could take them.
Great.
You could come visit us if you get a day off.
Uh-huh, but they would love Florida.
They can have both.
I mean, come on, let's spoil those little fuckers and then unleash them on the world.
- I can't, Midge.
- Two days, the weekend.
My father's taking Ethan to the Yankee game Sunday.
Oh, he can miss the game.
I got him a mitt.
He's not gonna want to miss the Yankee game.
- For Florida he might.
- He won't, trust me.
Oh, so now I don't know what my son likes? Is that it? Midge, come on.
- Ask him.
- You really want to hear Ethan say he'd rather see the Yankees than you? He's five.
He'd rather see a fire truck than you.
- Or me, or anyone.
- You won't even ask him? Ethan, would you like to go to Florida instead of the Yankee game this weekend? - No! - Happy? Way to lead the witness, Perry Mason.
I don't know what you want from me.
I have the kids.
- I am taking care of them.
- (PHONE RINGS) - They still have all their limbs.
- MOSKOWITZ: Joel Maisel's office.
I stepped up, I'm here.
- Oh, and I'm not? - No, you're not.
- You're in Florida.
- What are you implying? - That you're in Florida.
- How dare you? MOSKOWITZ: Oh, Mr.
Maisel, a call for you.
- Can you take a message? - It's about the liquor license.
I have to go.
I'm sorry.
I am.
- Wait, Joel - Yes? I appreciate you making sure they have all their limbs.
It's the least I can do.
There aren't that many.
Bye.
(SIGHS) - Hello.
- BRIAN: Joel Maisel? Brian Miller.
I'm calling in reference to your application for a liquor license.
- What's the problem now? You need my blood type? - No.
- My firstborn? - No.
Ethan, pack your bags.
You got a new daddy.
No.
Mr.
Maisel, I'm just calling to apologize for the mix-up.
Your application landed in the wrong bin at the Chinatown office.
We just didn't realize who you were.
Oh.
Who am I? Just know it's all been sorted out.
And your license has been fast-tracked.
You should have it by the end of the week.
- Okay.
- If you need anything else, please don't hesitate to call.
Thank you.
- We got the license.
- How? - I don't know.
Luck? - Luck? Yep.
Felt wrong just saying it.
(SIGHS) What's the line on the Yankees game? Yanks minus one and a half.
Minus one and a half.
- Who's pitching today? - Whitey Ford.
Whitey Ford, sure.
Is he good? - He's pretty good.
- How's he feeling? Been sick lately? There's this flu that's going around.
- I wouldn't know.
- Okay, so if you were to put 20 bucks that you really needed on the Yankees, what do you think? Seem like a good bet to you? It's not my job to advise.
- Just between friends.
- We're not friends.
Say we were and I was asking.
What would you say? I'd say you shouldn't be friends with your bookie.
- Thanks.
- And maybe you should learn baseball.
Just a tip, pal.
You ever worry people might not be so scared of you if they saw you drinking a liquidated tutu? - Mayday, Mayday, Mayday.
- I'll be right back.
I'm only staying till I reach the cherry.
(BERNIE PANTING) Ooh.
Ah, I'm nauseous.
- I can't breathe.
- Calm down, Bernie.
I ran here.
From Sardi's to here.
- That's 40 blocks.
- And two avenues.
- What's the problem? - We lost the theater.
How do you lose a thousand-seat theater? They got a better offer.
They gave it away.
They can't give it away.
You booked it.
- You gave them a check.
- Yeah, well, they gave it back.
They gave it back, and you took it? - What was I gonna do? Duck? - Fucking yes! They handed me the check, I took the check.
This is what civilized people do.
This isn't civilized people.
- This is Broadway.
- Can we push the opening? No.
Gavin's got some pirate movie, and Sophie's touring in the fall.
We open now or we don't open.
What am I gonna tell the investors? I left them at Sardi's.
- They're just sitting there.
- Tell them we'll get a theater.
- How? - Let me worry about that.
If they get wind of this, they'll back out.
They're not gonna get wind of anything.
Just aim your ass in another direction.
- But I - Just go.
Let me figure this out.
Shit.
(PENCIL CLATTERS) - I need a theater.
- Sure.
No problem.
- Like a peekaboo theater? - What's a peekaboo theater? - It's a dirty theater.
- A titty theater.
You call a dirty theater a peekaboo theater? I got a kid.
She listens to calls.
Okay, no.
I need a Broadway theater.
- A legit Broadway theater.
- Oh, boy.
Tough.
It's a good season this year.
Theaters are booked.
I have a client in this play.
The owners just gave the theater - to someone else.
- Did you pay? Yes, we paid.
We gave them a check.
They gave it back.
- And you fucking took it? - The producer did.
He's, you know, "civilized".
This is Broadway.
Guys, please.
I need this.
If I don't find a place, the show's kaput.
I think we can help.
- Really? - We know some guys.
- Hold on.
There.
- (THUDDING) Better? - No.
What'd you do? - I fixed the runner.
- What runner? - Weren't we trying to fix the runner? - What for? - To get it to run.
- No.
- Then what the hell were we doing? - Reattaching the ring.
- What ring? Worst Abbott and Costello bit ever.
What you got? MEI: Big box of new records.
Still all Chinese.
This one's Thai.
Oh, good, so I'll know the words.
- You want a beer? - Nope.
Archie.
Come on.
Have a beer.
- Let's celebrate.
- Celebrate what? The liquor license has been approved and is on the way.
That's great.
Wow.
Joel Maisel, king of the clubs.
- But how? - Must have been my powers of persuasion.
- Right.
Or? - No idea.
Out of the blue, some guy calls, says there's been a mix-up.
Said they didn't know who I was.
Oh.
Who are you? I'm the guy who now has a liquor license.
- (CHUCKLES) - Magically.
Hey, Arch, would you go get us some beer? - We have beer.
- Some more beer? Are we expecting a crowd? Okay.
I will go get some beer.
Great.
- Any specific kind? - It's a fake beer run, Archie.
(CHUCKLES): Right.
Be back soon.
- Thought you weren't a magician.
- Hmm? You don't seem that surprised I got the license.
I'm generally unflappable.
You have anything to do with it? - (SPEAKING CHINESE) - In English, Mei.
I knew it.
You asked your brother or your cousin or your cousin's cousin to push it through.
My cousin's cousin would be my cousin.
Not if you were related through different No, you're trying to distract me.
Who cares how you got it? - You can't do that.
- Why? Because I have to do this.
Alone.
I don't want you doing me favors or asking for favors or making a brisket for the liquor guy.
- Making a what? - I don't want your help with this.
Hey, John Wayne, if you haven't noticed, this is a very insular neighborhood.
You can't get anything done if you don't have cousins.
- I have cousins.
- Chinese cousins, Joel, or you at least have to know people.
Great.
I'll get to know people.
How? Charades? You don't know the language.
- I'm fucking great at charades.
- Is this pride? Is that what's happening here? Maybe it is, but I'm doing things square this time.
What is "this time"? What was last time? - This is my business, Mei.
- Fine.
I wash my hands of the whole situation.
- Great.
- Or I would, if your bathroom water was running.
Plumber's coming tomorrow.
- How do you know the plumber? - How do I know the license guy? How do you know the license guy? (SPEAKING CHINESE) I did not order these.
(SPEAKING CHINESE) - Happy? - Extremely.
(SPEAKING CHINESE) Ah, see, that I understood perfectly.
(DOOR CLOSES) - Had it.
I've had it.
- Oh, calm down, Martha.
I'm tired of this shit.
- He drags us all the way out here - Hi.
- Hi.
- Turn around, little girl.
- What? Why? - Hey, Martha, this is what he does.
Don't take it personally.
- He threw food at us.
- He missed.
He fired us, Carole.
Hey, if I had a nickel for every time Shy fired me, I wouldn't have to work for Shy anymore.
I'm done walking on eggshells because he's in a mood.
You want to see a mood? I'll show you a mood.
He's a fucking star.
Suddenly, you all forgot what a pain in the ass Elvis was.
Yeah, Elvis would throw food at you, but at least he'd buy you a car.
What is going on? Shy showed up as Maria Callas today.
- You want a ride? - Where? Back to the hotel.
Shouldn't I at least say hello so he knows I came? Not unless you want to get cocktail sauce on that outfit.
I don't, actually.
Hey, Carole, you've got the damn keys.
(SIGHS) You sure you don't want a ride? No, I'm-I'm fine.
Thanks.
This yours? Yes, I've been looking for that.
Thanks.
Nice boat.
Modest.
Understated.
Didn't you hear? Nobody wants to be around me today.
Oh, no, I heard.
It's gonna be a quiet set for you tonight without a band.
My son's a whiz at the kazoo.
Should I give him a call? The hell is that? Never been invited to a party on a boat before, and I don't like to come empty-handed, so meet Fred.
(CHUCKLES) No one's ever bought me a plant before.
Well, he gets seasick, so don't get too excited.
It's not much of a party now.
Plenty of food, plenty of booze, no people.
I'm here, and Fred.
He's funnier when you get a few drinks in him.
Permission to come aboard? Sure.
Why not? ("PLEASE DON'T MONKEY WITH BROADWAY" BY FRED ASTAIRE PLAYS) All the streets are being dressed up So before they ruin Broadway, I suggest that you go To the city fathers and say, "Whoa!" Glorify Sixth Avenue, and put bathrooms in the zoo But please don't monkey with Broadway - FRANK (OVER PHONE): It's done.
- Really? You sure? - Absolutely.
- I mean, it was touch and go there for a minute.
- Half a minute.
- They were testing a smoke machine, so they couldn't see us too good at first.
Once that smoke cleared though, boom.
- What'd you say? - FRANK: A little of this, a little of that.
It turns out we knew a few guys on the crew.
- They blocked the exits.
- That really helps, you know, when you don't have to run after them.
- Sure, I get that.
- But in the end, we just explained the situation.
Real nice.
There's no need to be rude.
And, eventually, they saw our side of things.
Bottom line, it's yours.
Good price, immediate occupancy, and they threw the "Julie" in for free.
We also got you a period-perfect kitchen set.
- We know those guys, too.
- You know all the guys.
I love "Miss Julie", by the way.
Who'd you get to play Jean? - Gavin Hawk.
- Oh, he's good, very good.
We saw him do the Scottish play.
Listen, I can't thank you guys enough.
You can, actually, and will, eventually.
Okay.
Message received, but either way, opening night, there are two tickets for you, front and center.
Opening night, gee.
I-I haven't been to an opening night since de Mille got us those Oklahoma! tickets.
You worked for Agnes de Mille? Yeah.
Brilliant, but could she hold a grudge.
You'd be surprised how much theater work we do.
Well, thanks again, boys.
You've saved my life.
No problem, Susie.
Break a leg.
- Or call us, we'll do it for you.
- (BOTH LAUGH) You guys kill me.
- One day.
- (BOTH LAUGHING) (LAUGHS) - It never ends.
- No, it doesn't.
("ON A SLOW BOAT TO CHINA" BY KAY STARR PLAYING) I'd like to get you On a slow boat to China All to myself All alone Get you and keep you In my arms evermore We're running low.
Ooh! Only 30 bottles left.
Oh, we'd better slow down then.
You know, I have to say, Fred is having a really nice time.
Good.
I was wondering.
He was looking a little green.
Mm, leave the comedy to me, kid.
(CHUCKLES) Agreed.
- Cheers.
- Whoo! - This is glorious.
- The boat? No, this sandwich.
Where's the fat? This man cuts corned beef like my mother's standing over him.
We got lucky.
It's a beautiful day.
So why the mood earlier? Ah, we're having such a nice time; you want to bring that up? Come on.
Girl trouble? Why would you say that? Well, Monica hasn't been around.
- Monica? - Isn't Monica your lady friend? Monica is this year's lady friend.
Nice girl, but - Not a keeper.
- No, not a keeper.
What about you, Mrs.
Maisel? - Are you actually a Mrs.
Maisel? - Yes, and no, and yes again, though, eventually, no.
I've had a lot of champagne.
Translate, please.
I was a Mrs.
Maisel, and then we broke up, and then we un-broke up, and then we got divorced, and then we got remarried, and now we're filing for divorce again.
Not sure what's confusing you.
You still love him? Oh, now, Shy, you never ask a girl "How old are you?" or "How much do you weigh?" or "Do you love your ex-husband?" (CHUCKLES) How about you? You ever been married? Me? No.
I've been on the road since I was 16.
You don't want a family? I got Reggie.
Reggie's my mother, my father, my brother, my jailor.
You've been friends for a long time.
- Forever.
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah, forever.
I know sometimes he feels like an overpaid babysitter, but I really need him around.
Susie's sort of my Reggie, without the overpaid part.
I can tell you this much, Reggie would be mad as hell right now.
'Cause you fired your whole band? No.
He's used to that.
He'd lose his mind seeing me on this boat.
Isn't it your boat? I'm under strict orders not to take it out of the harbor.
- You're kidding.
- He doesn't want me on boats or motorcycles or bicycles or surfing or walking or crawling or near kids who sneeze.
It's nice to have someone looking out for you.
You know we flipped a coin to see who got famous first.
- I guess you won.
- Nope.
I lost.
Reggie insisted we go two out of three.
- And then you won.
- Maybe.
I think Reggie fixed it.
Why? 'Cause he knew it had to be me.
See, Reggie can handle anything.
Life couldn't beat him.
Me, if I wasn't Shy Baldwin, I don't know.
I don't know who I'd be.
Tell me something.
What? Is your real name Shy? - No.
- What is it? Even Reggie doesn't know that one.
Do you like being famous? I didn't like not being famous, so this is better.
I think I'd like being famous.
I think you're gonna find out.
Boy, it's beautiful out here.
POOL BOY: Susie Myerson.
Phone.
Thanks, kid.
- I remember the face.
- Ah, get out of Florida.
- Yup.
- Why do I hear splashing? Sophie.
Nice to hear from you.
You loving your new theater? Got you a hell of a dressing room, didn't I? Yeah, the mice seem to like it.
Well, it was good enough for Julie Andrews.
Well, she's young.
I bet she hasn't drunkenly banged the light guy thinking it's her leading man yet.
So you sound good and normal.
Even though everything's gone to hell? Okay, what's the problem? Gavin has been talking and talking and talking to me for hours.
- That's called rehearsal.
- No.
In addition to the rehearsal talking, there's been one-on-one, close-quarters talking, and I don't know what the hell he's saying.
I don't know if you realize this, but he has some sort of accent that makes normal words sound completely distorted.
If I hadn't read the play, I wouldn't have known - his name was Jean.
- It's not that thick an accent.
I don't know if he's asking me to fuck him or if he needs some water or a cough drop.
Who cares? He's a great actor.
Do we know that, though? How do we know that? Read The Times.
I'm gonna have to have you read The Times to me.
Mmm.
Yesterday's was better.
Susie? Yes, Sophie? (SIGHS) My Jell-O was disappointing.
Okay, Sophie, you have to take a deep breath.
- (INHALES) - Now listen to me very closely.
Ugh This is what you wanted, to be on Broadway and prove you are a serious actress.
This is what you came to me for.
So now you have to take the cork out of your ass, you have to open your fucking ears, swallow the disappointing Jell-O, and go out there and do the work.
You show those assholes you are right and they are wrong, and then you can go to the Tonys and completely forget to thank me in your acceptance speech.
I will forget to thank you.
You will be great.
Gavin will be great.
You will make Gavin great.
I will make him great, won't I? Put that on your plate.
All right.
I'll eat the Jell-O.
That-a girl.
Really getting the hang of this shit.
- (PHONE RINGING) - (SUSIE WHISTLING) Hello? Did you tell Sophie she would make me better? What? God, no.
I-I said she'd be made better by you.
Oh.
Well, all right then.
But did you know that she wants - her dogs in the play? - I did not.
- Did you know that she wants them to have billing? - I did not.
- With a box around their names? - Did not know that either.
She's impossible to deal with, did you know that? - Taking the Fifth.
- I have to say that in all my years in this business, I've worked with every drunken, drug-addled piece of work in a dress, male or female, and I have never, ever met anyone so completely lacking in sanity.
Yeah, I think it feels that way now 'cause you're in the thick of it.
I did Midsummer Night's Dream where Titania killed Oberon with a letter opener onstage, and that woman I would work with again over Sophie Lennon.
Look, Gavin, her craziness, if that's what you call it It is exactly what I call it.
Her craziness is also her brilliance, and her brilliance manifests itself in craziness.
And the real problem here is that her brilliance mixed with your brilliance, well, it's almost too much brilliance for one production.
Almost.
But there is an even bigger chance that the brilliance of you causing the brilliance of her will stun New York audiences, bringing them to their knees, and make your performance one of those performances people talk about forever, like Gielgud's Hamlet.
Oh.
Well, when you put it like that - (DOGS BARKING) - (GROANS) I have to go, my costars are here.
Keep calm and carry on, pal.
- Let me guess.
Sophie? - Gavin.
- About Sophie? - Where'd you get the grub? Leftovers from Shy.
God, fucking love rich people food.
He has this beautiful sailboat.
It gave me the perfect chance to finally wear the boating outfit - I brought on tour.
- Oh, thank God.
I was getting worried.
You know, Shy's a complicated man, but I think he likes me.
Yeah? How much? We're becoming friends.
I have a calming effect on him.
I don't like you on a boat.
- Why not? - Boats sink.
But they mostly don't, and that's what makes them boats.
They get torpedoed.
They hit icebergs.
No boats.
No bikes.
I don't want you riding on or in anything.
Just sit quietly and read a Bible, and no New Testament.
Yes, Reggie.
I'm gonna take a shower.
I don't know what that Reggie crack meant, but this is one hell of a sandwich.
It's so lean.
MIDGE: This is actually Shy's favorite room to play.
His lucky theater.
- Did you hear that, Mama? - Hear what? That this is Shy's favorite room to perform in.
Perform what? I think dinner after the show was a bad idea.
But drinking before was genius.
Oh, excuse me, waiter, I'd like a martini.
There's one in your hand, Mama.
Parker.
Parker, these are A martini with olives, but the martini's the important part.
Mama, you can order at the table.
Control your woman.
Says my daughter before she performs her comedy.
Let's try this again.
As I was saying, Parker, these are my parents.
- Abe and Rose Weissman.
- Hello, Parker.
- I ordered a martini.
I want it.
- I will make sure you get it.
So I can only sit with you for just a minute - before I have to go.
- Go where? Go do my set.
- Oh, that's still happening? - Yes, that's happening.
Oh, bring another while you're up.
Two, actually.
Going for a record there, Mama? - I'm just saving him a trip, Marion.
- Miriam.
Oh, but Marion's nice, too.
Should we change it? I wouldn't, but it's up to you.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
I got hung up on a call.
Mama, Papa, you remember Susie, my manager? - Yes.
Hello, there.
- Hello, Abe.
Hello, Rose.
- These are mine.
- Can you excuse us a second? Well, at least you'll know where the heckling's coming from.
They started drinking an hour before I got to them.
Do me a favor, keep an eye on them, especially my mother.
Slow the gin stream.
- Yeah, I don't want to do that.
- Hey, guess what? Susie, who gets ten percent of my salary, is gonna sit here and keep you company.
- Very smooth.
- See you after my show.
(CLEARS THROAT) Well, you are in for a treat tonight.
Miriam is getting very comfortable up there.
Susie, you've seen her act quite a bit, I assume.
I have, yes.
Good.
I'd like you to do it for me.
- What? - The whole thing, word for word.
I don't want any surprises.
If I know what's coming, I can cover my ears, cough strategically.
Just tell me the jokes, and if there are any hand gestures I need to be prepared for, do those, too.
- Susie, excuse me.
You have a call.
- Thank you, Parker.
(CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me a minute.
Susie Myerson here.
- How are you? - I'm fine.
- And Florida? - Florida's fine.
Wonderful.
Sophie and Gavin are having sex.
- What? - Right now.
Backstage.
Loud, violent, animalistic sex.
That's impossible.
They hate each other.
(SOPHIE AND GAVIN MOANING LOUDLY) Does that sound like they hate each other? Kind of, yeah.
(LOUD GRUNTING) Are you sure that's not the dogs? I am.
2:00 p.
m.
this afternoon, I walked into the theater, welcomed everyone to the first day of tech, and bam, off they went.
Wait, they've been at it since 2:00? - (SIGHS): Yes.
- (SOPHIE SHRIEKING) Jesus Christ, that is disturbing.
Flower Drum Song has complained.
Bye Bye Birdie called Equity.
There will be a hefty fine.
Any suggestions? Well, they got to finish eventually.
Just wait it out.
The woman hasn't had anything but Jell-O for a month.
How long can she last? (SOPHIE AND GAVIN SHOUTING) (GROANS) Stop doing that! Enjoy Florida.
The stars of my Broadway show are hate-fucking.
- So, who wants another drink? - Oh, me.
I do.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) There's a new thing called a birth control pill.
Have you heard of it? It's just a little pill, and when you take it, you can have sex all you want and not get pregnant.
However, only married women are allowed to take it.
You know, women who don't want to have sex.
- (LAUGHTER) - Who says the Food and Drug Administration doesn't have a sense of humor.
(LAUGHTER) 1960.
An interesting time to be a woman.
You know, they say and by "they", I mean men they say that the women's vote may just put Senator Kennedy in the White House.
And why? Because women think he's cute.
Which I find highly offensive.
And he's extremely cute.
(LAUGHTER) But here's my question.
Why does it have to be either/or? I mean, why can't I wish he'd enact his six-point plan for health care and also wish he'd dump Jackie and marry me? - (LAUGHTER) - Like, does being a modern woman mean I have to give up being a girl? Or liking pink? Or horses? Or getting out of swimming 'cause I have cramps.
- (LAUGHTER) - I mean I'd have been a terrible suffragette.
Right? Don't get me wrong.
I love having the vote.
And voting.
You get a pin.
And I really admire all those women who marched to earn that right and protested and wore white which may be their greatest sacrifice, because white is a very tricky color.
It washes you out, it makes you look fat, or like a nurse, and you can't wear it after Labor Day unless you're a Klansman.
(LAUGHTER) So, here were these heroic women, marching for their rights, in white, on streets, - where there's dirt.
- (LAUGHTER) So not only were they jailed and force-fed and persecuted, but the laundry! - (LAUGHTER) - Oy! So, 1960.
Change is coming.
And I believe that someday a next-generation suffragette will wear pink and ride horses, and an unmarried woman will take the pill so she can have as much sex as she wants and not get pregnant, - (WOMEN CHEERING) - and a married woman will just have a headache and call it a night! (LAUGHTER) Ooh, what the hell? We didn't order these.
The staff and I have an understanding.
- Keep 'em coming, Clint.
- Hey, Rosie, why don't you eat a little something, huh? Hey, Susie, why don't you grow a few inches, hmm? Okay.
So that's where we are.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oops.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING) Well, you won't believe this, but I am all talked out.
But you have been the greatest audience in the world.
Thank you for making me look good in front of my parents.
I'm sure it will change absolutely nothing, but I certainly appreciate the effort.
I'm Mrs.
Maisel.
- Thank you.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Now, as much as I'd like to think that you're all here just for me, I know this is the moment you've actually been waiting for.
Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Shy Baldwin! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) (BAND PLAYING MID-TEMPO INTRO) (SCREAMS) The stars shine Your eyes catch mine And your light is all I can see Could there be One less angel in Heaven Count the one less angel in Heaven Must be one less angel in Heaven 'Cause you're here smiling at me The strings play You move my way I'm soaring, now I guarantee There must be One less angel in Heaven What happened? I asked you to watch her.
I failed.
I failed miserably.
- I'll say.
- She's crazy.
She's John Huston in underwire.
I don't know why she hasn't thrown up yet.
I kept trying to get her not to order more drinks, and she called me a circus freak.
Told me what my cage would look like at the freak show.
And what kind of billing I'd get after the dog-faced boy but before the pinhead.
And even then, I couldn't get her to stop drinking, so I tried to drink her drink before she could drink it, and then the more I drank, the more I forgot what drink was her drink and what drink was my drink, and then we're both ordering drinks, and then we're both drinking, and I am so fucked up.
You look like Siamese twins, so you're a freak, too.
- Okay.
- And your dad, he's not doing too good, either, but that's mainly because everything's too loud, and the air conditioner's blowing right on him.
Having fun? I love Florida.
We should move here.
Live here.
In this room.
I'm not sure they have enough gin.
And Shy Baldwin? Are you hearing him? He's right there.
- He sure is.
- I'm gonna marry him.
I love you, Shy Baldwin! Excuse me.
Do you have a warm blanket? (SEABIRD SQUAWKING IN DISTANCE) Good morning.
Morning, Papa.
I brought breakfast.
- (SCREAMS) - Ooh, that's much better.
Thank you.
You sure tied one on last night, lady.
That's because someone said no dinner till after the show.
And then someone else decided to drink her own weight in gin.
- I do not weigh that much.
- You remember meeting Shy? - Shy? - Baldwin.
I didn't meet Shy Baldwin.
You talked to him for an hour.
You made him listen while you sang his entire Christmas album to him in Yiddish.
That's not true.
Do you remember seeing me perform? - No.
- I remember.
I laughed twice.
I laughed four times when I saw Red Skelton, so you're half as funny as that.
- What's that smell? - Eggs.
- Make them stop.
- Come on, Mama, you must remember something from last night, - something I said? - No.
I remember there were periods of time when you were talking and there was no laughter.
- That's called setting up a joke.
- Well, you might want - to lose that, because nobody laughs.
- Good tip.
That's what I remember: the silence.
Okay.
Though to be fair, the last time I saw you, it was all penis and sex and fuck and balls and penis and tits.
- Oh, Abe, for God's sake.
- My-my point is that you were there on a very clean night.
Oh, yes, lucky me.
I feel like I'm gonna die, but at least I missed my daughter's dirty show.
It's okay, Mama.
You'll have one more shot at it tonight.
- What are you talking about? - The agreement was: - you see me perform.
- I did.
But you don't remember it, so it doesn't count.
- Of course it counts.
- Nope.
I'm not seeing your act again.
You didn't see it the first time.
If I took you to court, you would lose that argument.
Then sue me.
I want to go home.
I miss my apartment.
My beautiful apartment.
- (GROANS): Oh, Mama.
- If that fucking Shy Baldwin hadn't have called, you'd be married right now.
Excuse me.
Relax, Papa, I've got it.
You should go do something fun.
- She's gonna be down for a while.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - Mama? - (KNOCKING) - I'm coming in.
Okay? - (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) (BOTH YELLING) - You gave me a heart attack! - (LAUGHING) Ah, your face! Hysterical! I'm a city dweller.
So images in the ocean all come from monster movies.
- Oh - Squid from outer space with lasers for eyes.
Godzilla and Nazi U-boats.
It was always so easy to get you.
Oh, yes, I am particularly gullible.
Yeah.
Hello, Abe? Upton Sinclair here.
- (LAUGHING) - Well, you sounded just like him.
Not that I know what he sounds like.
Oh, it's nice to joke around with you again - after all these years.
- (LAUGHS): I have to admit, seeing you in a swimsuit takes some getting used to.
(LAUGHS) Well, it's Florida, Abe.
It's a swimsuit or nothing.
Upton Sinclair.
- Just like him.
- (CHUCKLES) (GROANS) Whoo! ABE: Vito Vincenzo.
- That was it! - ABE: We were gonna unionize the Lower East Side fruit vendors if it killed us, and Vito was the lone holdout.
- How we harangued that poor man.
- "How could you do this to your fellow fruit men? Have you no shame, sir?" (CHUCKLES): We called him "the one bad apple".
We put we put "union" signs on his lemons! On each individual lemon.
We had a good deal of time on our hands.
It's so quiet here.
Just the ocean.
ASHER: I love it.
I just love it.
You know, I always had a hard time picturing you here.
- Why? - You're so New York.
A man of the city.
I wouldn't survive in that city for five minutes now.
Look at what I have here: sun, surf, freedom! (BOTH CHUCKLE) I open when I want; I close when I want.
I haven't put on socks in weeks, and every night there's a beautiful sunset, and I never miss it.
It's paradise.
You know I'm not teaching anymore.
You're kidding.
What happened? I lost my taste for it.
It didn't seem important, what I was doing there.
So what are you doing now? I've been trying to figure that out.
I've been missing the old me, the man you knew.
I I thought I could get that fire back, I could care about something, be involved in something meaningful.
- You know what I mean? - I sell bait now, so no.
(ABE CHUCKLES) I met some young people in a bar.
They talked a lot like we used to talk.
Lots of jargon and mentions of Trotsky.
Trotsky's still a thing? They wanted to start a paper.
Everyone wants to start a paper.
- We wanted to start a paper.
- I thought maybe I could help them achieve their goals, make a difference, but after a few weeks, I realized they were just a bunch of idiots.
All young people are just a bunch of idiots.
They couldn't focus or spell or form a coherent thought.
They think "It's the '60s, man" is a manifesto of some sort.
To them, all you have to do is not bathe, and you're a rebel.
Well, there we differed.
We always bathed.
We did.
We smelled wonderful.
You really don't miss New York? Not at all.
Have you been back? You mean since I was blacklisted and my last play closed without opening? No, no, I have not.
Things are different now.
I have a life here.
You were such a wonderful writer.
Do you write at all? (CHUCKLES): Now? No.
Why not? After all you've been through, - you must have a great story in you - Abe.
I gave the theater all I have, and it sent me away.
I know, I know, it I was one of the most successful playwrights on Broadway.
Every one of my shows made money.
I won the Pulitzer Prize.
The critics hailed me as the American Chekhov.
And then one schmuck calls me a communist, and poof, over! My friends gone.
My agent, my producer gone.
20 years to build a life; two months to watch it go.
The theater broke my heart.
I wish there was s-something I could have done.
What? Get up in front of McCarthy and tell him the fruit stand story? Tell him you were a good man.
Tell him I wasn't a communist? I was.
(QUIETLY): No.
You were a teacher.
You had a young family.
What good would it do to take you down with me? I would have happily taken the chance.
I know.
You know, every night I lock up this kiosk, I go home, I lay in my bed, and I think maybe tomorrow when I go back, it won't be there.
Someone will have stolen it, burned it down.
Sometimes I don't even lock it.
Give the thieves a fighting chance.
But every morning I get up, and when I walk back up the beach, there it is.
Shining testament to my failure.
You didn't fail.
Others failed you.
A lot of those people are still there.
In New York, in the theater.
And I wear flowered shorts to work.
So, New York New York and I are done.
You know they're doing one of my plays here? In Miami? Local community group.
(LAUGHS): Which play? Pillar of Salt.
This is a very ambitious community theater.
Yeah.
They did a rousing production of Bloomer Girl last year, so I'm sure they're very qualified.
(ABE CHUCKLES) You should go see it.
I'll go with you.
- We'll go together.
- Abe.
No.
Huh.
I believe we need to restock.
It's nice to see an old friend again, Abe.
(ABE CHUCKLES) You're still a mensch.
Gives me hope.
Looks good.
Looks really good.
Some tables, a few chairs, and this place is a club.
Yeah.
You want to show a little enthusiasm there? Home stretch, pal.
You know, Mei got me that liquor license.
How the hell did she do that? How the hell does she do anything? - She just did it.
- So? Sometimes you need a little help.
No.
I have to sink or swim on my own here.
I played second fiddle to Midge our whole marriage, and I just can't do that again.
Then you need to start picking different women.
- (SCOFFS) - You pick conductors.
You need someone who plays the triangle.
Triangle girls are boring.
Imogene? Hi, honey! - What are you - We just painted that.
Shit.
ARCHIE: Yeah.
She does that.
Good color.
Right, honey? We could paint the living room that color.
Because I am Just as terrifying the second time.
These are your children, Archie.
I just thought, since you're not home anymore, you might forget who they are and what they look like.
And this is the reason you have those three children.
Again, just to jog your memory.
You don't think you're being a little dramatic? Am I? Maybe.
People do weird things when they've been in isolation for too long.
You're hardly in isolation.
Your mother's there.
The kids are there.
And, by the way, you wrote the wrong name on one of those pictures.
Unless you changed Eric to Pete while I was out.
Ha! That was a test.
Thank God you passed.
- Look, Imogene - What do you think you have to contribute here, Joel? - Nothing.
- (EXHALES) I'll be over there.
Can we please discuss this when I get home? Oh, you're coming home? How nice.
When will that be? - Tonight.
- What time tonight? I'm not sure.
- I want to be up.
- 11:00.
- 11:00.
Tonight.
- Yes.
I'll powder my nose in anticipation.
You had to bring everything down with you, didn't you? Imogene.
Go after her, Archie.
No.
Better to let her cool down.
I'll deal with it tonight.
You sure? I can hit these clubs alone.
What fun would that be? It's not for fun.
It's research.
Checking out the competition.
Oh.
So no drinking.
Oh, no, there will be drinking.
But sad, un-fun drinking.
Perfect night for that.
MAN: Nothing will be there tomorrow.
WOMAN: And the girls have their piano lessons - down on 12th Street.
- No pianos, no lessons, no streets.
- WOMAN: You're trying to scare me.
- Yes, I have to.
WOMAN: You said the same thing when the protestors marched in the square and when the cinema showed the film about the young lovers in French.
"It's the end of everything".
But it wasn't, was it? MAN: This is something entirely different.
Not slow degeneration, now.
Complete and utter destruction coming like lightning in the space of an hour by the hand of God.
- (JAZZ PLAYING) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Hello.
Now, this is more like it.
Much classier than the last place.
Your feet don't stick to the floor.
Let's put that on the list.
Clean the floor once in a while.
Whiskey, neat.
- Two of 'em.
- How much? - Three dollars.
- For two whiskeys? Do they come with the distillery? So, not a comedy club.
I'll say.
What are you doing? Make mine a double.
You took your ring off.
It's easier to strike up conversations if people don't think there's a wife at home.
There is a wife at home.
And she's gonna rename all your children.
(CHUCKLES) Joel, relax.
What kind of conversations are you hoping to strike up? "On the town" conversations.
What are "on the town" conversations? Ones that aren't about kids or with my mother-in-law.
I got this.
Here you go! Yeah, well, there won't be much time for any conversations.
This is our last stop.
One drink, a quick once-over, then we're home.
Sure.
Sure.
Hey, buy those girls down there a round.
(CHUCKLES): Hi.
- You keeping track of the time? - Yes, I am.
- You have to be home by 11:00.
- I have a watch.
Oh, you didn't take it off? - Just wanted to make sure.
- What, are you my mother now? You promised Imogene you'd be home.
If you're not, then I'm the asshole.
- You're already a little bit of an asshole, actually.
- How 'bout no one's an asshole and you get home by 11:00? Hey, I never gave you any grief when you went through your Penny phase.
Oh, so now you're going through a Penny phase? I'm buying a couple of drinks for a couple of girls.
- That's it.
- You're making a mistake.
(CHUCKLES): Oh, my God.
You should listen to me.
I'm doing you a favor.
- I'm not doing anything.
Nothing! - You're gonna fuck it all up.
I'm not gonna fuck anything up.
I'm not you! I never took my ring off.
I never fucked my secretary.
What the hell? Are you crazy?! (GRUNTING) (WOMEN SCREAMING) Hey, I'm sorry.
I am so, so sorry.
(GRUNTING) I am not gonna let you - be late, goddamn it! - (BAND STOPS PLAYING) Were you a hall monitor in school?! You're supposed to be home by 11:00! - (GRUNTING) - (SCREAMING) (GRUNTING, SHOUTING) Okay.
We're going.
We're going! These are the best bouncers we've seen so far.
I'll give 'em that.
Ah, shit.
I am terrible at this.
Is that how your nephew's feet are shaped? That's it.
They all get bass lessons for Christmas.
- Oh.
Hi.
- OTHERS: Hey.
Tough room.
Shy's missing.
What do you mean, Shy's missing? He was a no-show at sound check.
He's just pulling the same diva shit he always does.
- Remember Des Moines? - I remember Des Moines.
But Shy wouldn't do that, just not show up.
- Would he? - (SCOFFS) Sometimes he's just late.
Sometimes he leaves us sitting around for hours.
Sometimes days.
- Weeks.
- BILLY: Des Moines.
But maybe something happened to him.
Nothing's happened to him.
He's just being an asshole.
ALL: Des Moines.
But did anybody call his room? Or did you check the boat? Reggie and Henry have a list of his regular haunts.
If he wants to be found, they'll find him.
- Fuck it.
I'm going back in.
- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) SLIM: I don't know why you try.
Because this is women's work, Slim.
- (BUOY BELL CLANGING) - (HORN BLOWS IN DISTANCE) Shy? Shy, are you here? Oh, my God.
Shy? Are you all right? It's Midge.
Look at me.
Don't talk to strangers.
Isn't that what your mama tells you? (GRUNTS) Here.
Hold this.
You have to put the scotch down.
Oh, that is never gonna happen.
Can you move? Are you hurt anywhere else? Where is there a light here? Too many questions.
Sorry.
One more question.
- What happened? - What happened? Well, I went out, I met someone You met someone? Who? Jake LaMotta? Go away, Midge.
Shy, please.
Please what? I went to a bar.
I brought someone back here.
I have to paint you a picture? It would help.
I'm a singer, not a painter.
I don't understand.
Your face is a mess.
What kind of girl could've done this to you? Oh, honey.
"Oh, honey" what? Oh.
Oh.
(EXHALES) So, Monica Looks good in the pictures.
All the girls look good in the pictures.
But why would he do this to you? Guess he was a Chuck Berry fan.
Promised Reggie this would never happen again.
I promised.
Hey, hey, it's okay.
Listen, we need to get you looked at.
- No.
- You were attacked.
No.
No doctors.
No one can know.
No one in the band.
They're gonna be furious with me.
- No, they won't.
- Did they mention Des Moines? They did not mention Des Moines.
- They will.
- They're just worried about you.
You are funny, Midge.
(CHUCKLES) (PAINED): Shit.
Okay, if there's one thing a Jewish girl knows, it's when to see a doctor.
I have to get to the show.
- Shy - I can't miss it.
I promised Reggie.
He can't know about this.
- But - I mean it.
You can't tell him you found me like this.
You can't tell anyone.
No one.
Okay.
I won't.
I promise.
We'll just We'll fix you up.
We can go back to the hotel.
I have some makeup in my room.
Harriet, my friend at B.
Altman, taught me some tricks about darker skin, so I can just I can't go to your hotel.
What do you mean, my hotel? This is Florida.
We don't stay in your hotels.
In Florida, we stay in Overtown.
Fine.
Forget hotels.
Okay, you are a very, very vain person.
I see we stopped feeling sorry for me now.
You must have something, some kind of makeup here on the boat.
(GRUNTS) I can work with this.
(INHALES) Okay.
(BREATHING HEAVILY) All right.
Hold still.
I will fix you up.
Dwayne.
What? My name is Dwayne.
You're going to be just fine, Dwayne.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Hey, I just heard that Shy's here.
I think.
I-I wasn't really paying attention, so Stool set.
Shit.
Stool set.
- Stool set.
- Stool set.
- Stool set.
- (BAND CHATTERING) Stool set.
Let's go.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the Fontainebleau Hotel is proud to present Shy Baldwin.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) No one has to know I think you're wonderful No one has to know You're my dream come true Let the world go spinning in space We'll find a place for two - Why's he doing a stool set? - I don't know, man Why's he doing a stool set? So no one has to know I want you No one but you No one else can tell I think you're beautiful No one else can tell You're my favorite view Let the world all think what they want I'll wait until They're through 'Cause no one has to know I need you No one but you You Where's Papa? He's tired.
What are you doing? I'm sitting down with you.
- Why? - Because I know you, and it would be weird if I sat over there with them.
Don't you have to perform? No.
Change of plans.
Oh.
Oh! Well, that's a shame.
Excuse me, sir.
Can I get some coffee? Why not? What happened? Well, see Shh.
Shy is singing.
Feel the same No one has to know We could have everything No one has to know That I always knew Let the world do what it does You're safe with me because I love you (TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING) No one but you Ooh No one but you (DINGS) There's no one but You I told you before Stay away from my door Don't give me that brother, brother, brother, brother The freaks on the phone Won't leave me alone So don't give me that brother, brother, brother, brother No I I found out I I found out Now that I showed you what I been through Don't take nobody's word What you can do There ain't no Jesus gonna come from the sky Now that I found out I know I can cry I I found out I I found out Some of you sitting there with your cock in your hand Don't get you nowhere Don't make you a man I heard something 'bout my ma and my pa They didn't want me so they made me a star I I found out I I found out.
All set.
Here's your key.
I had your luggage moved to your new room, so by the time you're done with breakfast - you'll be all settled in.
- Done with breakfast? Why would we ever be done with breakfast? I'll be done with breakfast when I'm starting lunch.
Breakfast is perfect and this hotel is perfect.
I slept like a baby.
Not a fussy baby.
One of those quiet babies.
I slept like I was on Seconal.
Because I was on Seconal.
These pancakes have coconut in them.
- You have to try one.
- I believe I will.
So what's on the agenda for today? Well, I plan to spend the day not being around Moishe and Shirley.
Oh, that sounds wonderful.
I'll join you.
(BOTH LAUGH) I have to say, it's nice to see you guys so happy and relaxed.
Maybe you can try and stay that way for my show tonight.
- Miriam, you should try the coconut pancake.
- I don't like coconut.
Oh, you can't taste the coconut.
It just tastes like pancake.
My show starts at 8:00.
We could have dinner after - if you don't mind eating late.
- I can taste the coconut.
Can you? Maybe I should try it again.
I put a great table aside for you.
Nope.
Still can't taste it.
Mama? Papa? - Hey, hey, hey.
There's coconut in there.
- What the I was eating that.
I slept on a lounge chair for you two.
What does that mean? That's jazz slang.
"Slept on a lounge chair".
Like, "Hey, man, it's cool.
I slept on a lounge chair for you".
No, it's not slang.
I literally slept on a lounge chair.
Look.
Slat face.
Now, it's cool.
I was happy to do it.
But, in exchange, you have to come to my show.
Question: are you going to talk about my Absolutely not.
The act is clean.
Well, that helps me.
Rose? Mama? I think you'll be really proud.
And after my act, you can see Shy perform.
I'll even introduce you.
- I don't have anything to wear to meet Shy Baldwin.
- We'll go shopping.
I have a work gathering in a little bit, but afterward, we can hit the stores.
- It'll be fun.
- I can't spend money on clothes.
That's true.
We are on a budget.
- Mm-hmm.
- No fun.
Oh, that reminds me.
Did you remember to cancel the Steiner bungalow? What? No.
Why? - Why what? - We're not canceling the Catskills.
- ABE: But you can't go.
- Who says? Well, you're on tour.
You're working, so you say.
Not every day.
I'm sure there's a window here somewhere.
Okay.
May is out, obviously, but let's look at June.
June's bad.
July.
I'm sure I can make July No, I can't.
Oh, wait.
How about Oh, crap.
I'm in Baltimore.
But August is much, much August is bad, too.
What's the time difference between the Catskills and Stockholm? Because I think, if there's a late flight, I could make it back, uh Nope.
Aha.
Wait.
I have two days in September.
- The eighth and the 15th.
- They're not even together.
And they're after Labor Day.
I mean We have to go to the Catskills.
I've gone every year of my life.
Our identity as a family depends on showing up.
What will people think? That your father's lost his job and you're doing costumes for Shy Baldwin.
I'm opening for Shy Baldwin.
Yes, but costumes is so much more ladylike, don't you think? Fine.
ABE: You know, you're right.
- These don't taste like coconut at all.
- Mm.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - (PIANO PLAYING) (WOMAN SINGING) - Is she okay? - She's fine.
- The investors are here.
- I know, Bernie.
They came to see a full run-through of the show - and they expect to be wowed.
- I know, Bernie.
Wowed in a good way, not in a "Wow, we gave you all that money for this?" way.
That "this" was in a horrified tone.
Did you get that? Bernie, shut up, she's fine.
I promise, you will not have to blow these guys for money again.
Well, that's a relief.
First run-through.
Very exciting.
Quick question.
She looks comatose - Gavin.
- and I don't know how much you understand about the dramatic process, but comatose actors tend to be a tad difficult to work with.
She's just concentrating.
Is she going to be able to talk? Yes.
I know I make it seem like all I care about is money and I do care about money a great deal but I'm also an artist with a rather storied reputation, and that woman over there is completely freaking me out.
- Relax.
- I can't look ridiculous for taking this job.
I just can't.
Not without car service thrown in.
You will not look ridiculous, I promise.
Go in.
She'll be there in a minute.
- Hey.
- Hmm? Is she alive? Yep.
Okay, everyone, time to assemble.
The run-through starts in ten minutes.
Ten minutes.
MAN: Hey, Patrick Hi, Sophie.
Don't want to interrupt your whatever, but the run-through is starting.
Now, I know that the investors are here, but I don't want it to throw you, okay? Just do your work.
Hmm? It's all anyone expects of you at this point.
Just your work.
And getting up.
People expect that, too.
(SIGHS) - Sophie (GASPS) - (INHALES SHARPLY) Jesus! Fuck! F This job is gonna kill me.
GAVIN: Welcome, everyone.
Thank you for coming to the very first run-through of my brand-new, groundbreaking production, - Miss Julie.
- (APPLAUSE) (QUIET MUTTERING) It's gonna work.
It's gonna fucking work, Bernie! - Did you see that? It's gonna work.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
(LAUGHS) Gavin! I'm sorry, was that comatose? - It was not.
- It was fucking not! Hey, did you see her? Did you see Sophie? - Was great or was she great? - She was great.
She was fucking great.
It's gonna goddamn work! - Hey, investor guy.
- Yes? Did you see her? She was great! It's gonna work.
Hey, coffee person, did you see that rehearsal? It is gonna work.
Hey, you, did you see that? It's gonna work.
I'm here to pick up my daughter from dance class.
Like I give a shit.
Just spread the word.
Sophie Lennon can act, and it's gonna work! (LAUGHS) (GRUNTS) (PHONE RINGING) Hello? - You called? - Yes.
- Three times? - Well, I wanted to talk to you.
You do know that I call you back when I get a message.
- Thought maybe it got lost.
- Never gets lost.
Sometimes it does.
- Has never happened.
- June 1957, you didn't get my message and there was no milk in the morning.
Yet somehow, you survived to talk about it.
I was thinking you could bring the kids to Florida.
You called three times for that? You only called twice when you went into labor.
Well, I'm here, my parents are here.
I could get you a room and we could have a crazy family vacation.
- I can't come to Florida.
- Why not? I have a job, a life.
Oh, come on.
Just for a few days.
We just got remarried.
We never had a proper honeymoon.
- Sorry.
What's your next stop? - Toledo.
You should've led with Toledo so I'd consider Florida.
Joel, I'm on tour all summer, so the kids aren't going to the Catskills.
They won't have their summer fun thing.
This could be their summer fun thing, with reptiles.
- Oh.
- What? Well, actually, I remembered to book myself a room at Steiner this year, so - I can take them.
- Oh.
You could take them.
Great.
You could come visit us if you get a day off.
Uh-huh, but they would love Florida.
They can have both.
I mean, come on, let's spoil those little fuckers and then unleash them on the world.
- I can't, Midge.
- Two days, the weekend.
My father's taking Ethan to the Yankee game Sunday.
Oh, he can miss the game.
I got him a mitt.
He's not gonna want to miss the Yankee game.
- For Florida he might.
- He won't, trust me.
Oh, so now I don't know what my son likes? Is that it? Midge, come on.
- Ask him.
- You really want to hear Ethan say he'd rather see the Yankees than you? He's five.
He'd rather see a fire truck than you.
- Or me, or anyone.
- You won't even ask him? Ethan, would you like to go to Florida instead of the Yankee game this weekend? - No! - Happy? Way to lead the witness, Perry Mason.
I don't know what you want from me.
I have the kids.
- I am taking care of them.
- (PHONE RINGS) - They still have all their limbs.
- MOSKOWITZ: Joel Maisel's office.
I stepped up, I'm here.
- Oh, and I'm not? - No, you're not.
- You're in Florida.
- What are you implying? - That you're in Florida.
- How dare you? MOSKOWITZ: Oh, Mr.
Maisel, a call for you.
- Can you take a message? - It's about the liquor license.
I have to go.
I'm sorry.
I am.
- Wait, Joel - Yes? I appreciate you making sure they have all their limbs.
It's the least I can do.
There aren't that many.
Bye.
(SIGHS) - Hello.
- BRIAN: Joel Maisel? Brian Miller.
I'm calling in reference to your application for a liquor license.
- What's the problem now? You need my blood type? - No.
- My firstborn? - No.
Ethan, pack your bags.
You got a new daddy.
No.
Mr.
Maisel, I'm just calling to apologize for the mix-up.
Your application landed in the wrong bin at the Chinatown office.
We just didn't realize who you were.
Oh.
Who am I? Just know it's all been sorted out.
And your license has been fast-tracked.
You should have it by the end of the week.
- Okay.
- If you need anything else, please don't hesitate to call.
Thank you.
- We got the license.
- How? - I don't know.
Luck? - Luck? Yep.
Felt wrong just saying it.
(SIGHS) What's the line on the Yankees game? Yanks minus one and a half.
Minus one and a half.
- Who's pitching today? - Whitey Ford.
Whitey Ford, sure.
Is he good? - He's pretty good.
- How's he feeling? Been sick lately? There's this flu that's going around.
- I wouldn't know.
- Okay, so if you were to put 20 bucks that you really needed on the Yankees, what do you think? Seem like a good bet to you? It's not my job to advise.
- Just between friends.
- We're not friends.
Say we were and I was asking.
What would you say? I'd say you shouldn't be friends with your bookie.
- Thanks.
- And maybe you should learn baseball.
Just a tip, pal.
You ever worry people might not be so scared of you if they saw you drinking a liquidated tutu? - Mayday, Mayday, Mayday.
- I'll be right back.
I'm only staying till I reach the cherry.
(BERNIE PANTING) Ooh.
Ah, I'm nauseous.
- I can't breathe.
- Calm down, Bernie.
I ran here.
From Sardi's to here.
- That's 40 blocks.
- And two avenues.
- What's the problem? - We lost the theater.
How do you lose a thousand-seat theater? They got a better offer.
They gave it away.
They can't give it away.
You booked it.
- You gave them a check.
- Yeah, well, they gave it back.
They gave it back, and you took it? - What was I gonna do? Duck? - Fucking yes! They handed me the check, I took the check.
This is what civilized people do.
This isn't civilized people.
- This is Broadway.
- Can we push the opening? No.
Gavin's got some pirate movie, and Sophie's touring in the fall.
We open now or we don't open.
What am I gonna tell the investors? I left them at Sardi's.
- They're just sitting there.
- Tell them we'll get a theater.
- How? - Let me worry about that.
If they get wind of this, they'll back out.
They're not gonna get wind of anything.
Just aim your ass in another direction.
- But I - Just go.
Let me figure this out.
Shit.
(PENCIL CLATTERS) - I need a theater.
- Sure.
No problem.
- Like a peekaboo theater? - What's a peekaboo theater? - It's a dirty theater.
- A titty theater.
You call a dirty theater a peekaboo theater? I got a kid.
She listens to calls.
Okay, no.
I need a Broadway theater.
- A legit Broadway theater.
- Oh, boy.
Tough.
It's a good season this year.
Theaters are booked.
I have a client in this play.
The owners just gave the theater - to someone else.
- Did you pay? Yes, we paid.
We gave them a check.
They gave it back.
- And you fucking took it? - The producer did.
He's, you know, "civilized".
This is Broadway.
Guys, please.
I need this.
If I don't find a place, the show's kaput.
I think we can help.
- Really? - We know some guys.
- Hold on.
There.
- (THUDDING) Better? - No.
What'd you do? - I fixed the runner.
- What runner? - Weren't we trying to fix the runner? - What for? - To get it to run.
- No.
- Then what the hell were we doing? - Reattaching the ring.
- What ring? Worst Abbott and Costello bit ever.
What you got? MEI: Big box of new records.
Still all Chinese.
This one's Thai.
Oh, good, so I'll know the words.
- You want a beer? - Nope.
Archie.
Come on.
Have a beer.
- Let's celebrate.
- Celebrate what? The liquor license has been approved and is on the way.
That's great.
Wow.
Joel Maisel, king of the clubs.
- But how? - Must have been my powers of persuasion.
- Right.
Or? - No idea.
Out of the blue, some guy calls, says there's been a mix-up.
Said they didn't know who I was.
Oh.
Who are you? I'm the guy who now has a liquor license.
- (CHUCKLES) - Magically.
Hey, Arch, would you go get us some beer? - We have beer.
- Some more beer? Are we expecting a crowd? Okay.
I will go get some beer.
Great.
- Any specific kind? - It's a fake beer run, Archie.
(CHUCKLES): Right.
Be back soon.
- Thought you weren't a magician.
- Hmm? You don't seem that surprised I got the license.
I'm generally unflappable.
You have anything to do with it? - (SPEAKING CHINESE) - In English, Mei.
I knew it.
You asked your brother or your cousin or your cousin's cousin to push it through.
My cousin's cousin would be my cousin.
Not if you were related through different No, you're trying to distract me.
Who cares how you got it? - You can't do that.
- Why? Because I have to do this.
Alone.
I don't want you doing me favors or asking for favors or making a brisket for the liquor guy.
- Making a what? - I don't want your help with this.
Hey, John Wayne, if you haven't noticed, this is a very insular neighborhood.
You can't get anything done if you don't have cousins.
- I have cousins.
- Chinese cousins, Joel, or you at least have to know people.
Great.
I'll get to know people.
How? Charades? You don't know the language.
- I'm fucking great at charades.
- Is this pride? Is that what's happening here? Maybe it is, but I'm doing things square this time.
What is "this time"? What was last time? - This is my business, Mei.
- Fine.
I wash my hands of the whole situation.
- Great.
- Or I would, if your bathroom water was running.
Plumber's coming tomorrow.
- How do you know the plumber? - How do I know the license guy? How do you know the license guy? (SPEAKING CHINESE) I did not order these.
(SPEAKING CHINESE) - Happy? - Extremely.
(SPEAKING CHINESE) Ah, see, that I understood perfectly.
(DOOR CLOSES) - Had it.
I've had it.
- Oh, calm down, Martha.
I'm tired of this shit.
- He drags us all the way out here - Hi.
- Hi.
- Turn around, little girl.
- What? Why? - Hey, Martha, this is what he does.
Don't take it personally.
- He threw food at us.
- He missed.
He fired us, Carole.
Hey, if I had a nickel for every time Shy fired me, I wouldn't have to work for Shy anymore.
I'm done walking on eggshells because he's in a mood.
You want to see a mood? I'll show you a mood.
He's a fucking star.
Suddenly, you all forgot what a pain in the ass Elvis was.
Yeah, Elvis would throw food at you, but at least he'd buy you a car.
What is going on? Shy showed up as Maria Callas today.
- You want a ride? - Where? Back to the hotel.
Shouldn't I at least say hello so he knows I came? Not unless you want to get cocktail sauce on that outfit.
I don't, actually.
Hey, Carole, you've got the damn keys.
(SIGHS) You sure you don't want a ride? No, I'm-I'm fine.
Thanks.
This yours? Yes, I've been looking for that.
Thanks.
Nice boat.
Modest.
Understated.
Didn't you hear? Nobody wants to be around me today.
Oh, no, I heard.
It's gonna be a quiet set for you tonight without a band.
My son's a whiz at the kazoo.
Should I give him a call? The hell is that? Never been invited to a party on a boat before, and I don't like to come empty-handed, so meet Fred.
(CHUCKLES) No one's ever bought me a plant before.
Well, he gets seasick, so don't get too excited.
It's not much of a party now.
Plenty of food, plenty of booze, no people.
I'm here, and Fred.
He's funnier when you get a few drinks in him.
Permission to come aboard? Sure.
Why not? ("PLEASE DON'T MONKEY WITH BROADWAY" BY FRED ASTAIRE PLAYS) All the streets are being dressed up So before they ruin Broadway, I suggest that you go To the city fathers and say, "Whoa!" Glorify Sixth Avenue, and put bathrooms in the zoo But please don't monkey with Broadway - FRANK (OVER PHONE): It's done.
- Really? You sure? - Absolutely.
- I mean, it was touch and go there for a minute.
- Half a minute.
- They were testing a smoke machine, so they couldn't see us too good at first.
Once that smoke cleared though, boom.
- What'd you say? - FRANK: A little of this, a little of that.
It turns out we knew a few guys on the crew.
- They blocked the exits.
- That really helps, you know, when you don't have to run after them.
- Sure, I get that.
- But in the end, we just explained the situation.
Real nice.
There's no need to be rude.
And, eventually, they saw our side of things.
Bottom line, it's yours.
Good price, immediate occupancy, and they threw the "Julie" in for free.
We also got you a period-perfect kitchen set.
- We know those guys, too.
- You know all the guys.
I love "Miss Julie", by the way.
Who'd you get to play Jean? - Gavin Hawk.
- Oh, he's good, very good.
We saw him do the Scottish play.
Listen, I can't thank you guys enough.
You can, actually, and will, eventually.
Okay.
Message received, but either way, opening night, there are two tickets for you, front and center.
Opening night, gee.
I-I haven't been to an opening night since de Mille got us those Oklahoma! tickets.
You worked for Agnes de Mille? Yeah.
Brilliant, but could she hold a grudge.
You'd be surprised how much theater work we do.
Well, thanks again, boys.
You've saved my life.
No problem, Susie.
Break a leg.
- Or call us, we'll do it for you.
- (BOTH LAUGH) You guys kill me.
- One day.
- (BOTH LAUGHING) (LAUGHS) - It never ends.
- No, it doesn't.
("ON A SLOW BOAT TO CHINA" BY KAY STARR PLAYING) I'd like to get you On a slow boat to China All to myself All alone Get you and keep you In my arms evermore We're running low.
Ooh! Only 30 bottles left.
Oh, we'd better slow down then.
You know, I have to say, Fred is having a really nice time.
Good.
I was wondering.
He was looking a little green.
Mm, leave the comedy to me, kid.
(CHUCKLES) Agreed.
- Cheers.
- Whoo! - This is glorious.
- The boat? No, this sandwich.
Where's the fat? This man cuts corned beef like my mother's standing over him.
We got lucky.
It's a beautiful day.
So why the mood earlier? Ah, we're having such a nice time; you want to bring that up? Come on.
Girl trouble? Why would you say that? Well, Monica hasn't been around.
- Monica? - Isn't Monica your lady friend? Monica is this year's lady friend.
Nice girl, but - Not a keeper.
- No, not a keeper.
What about you, Mrs.
Maisel? - Are you actually a Mrs.
Maisel? - Yes, and no, and yes again, though, eventually, no.
I've had a lot of champagne.
Translate, please.
I was a Mrs.
Maisel, and then we broke up, and then we un-broke up, and then we got divorced, and then we got remarried, and now we're filing for divorce again.
Not sure what's confusing you.
You still love him? Oh, now, Shy, you never ask a girl "How old are you?" or "How much do you weigh?" or "Do you love your ex-husband?" (CHUCKLES) How about you? You ever been married? Me? No.
I've been on the road since I was 16.
You don't want a family? I got Reggie.
Reggie's my mother, my father, my brother, my jailor.
You've been friends for a long time.
- Forever.
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah, forever.
I know sometimes he feels like an overpaid babysitter, but I really need him around.
Susie's sort of my Reggie, without the overpaid part.
I can tell you this much, Reggie would be mad as hell right now.
'Cause you fired your whole band? No.
He's used to that.
He'd lose his mind seeing me on this boat.
Isn't it your boat? I'm under strict orders not to take it out of the harbor.
- You're kidding.
- He doesn't want me on boats or motorcycles or bicycles or surfing or walking or crawling or near kids who sneeze.
It's nice to have someone looking out for you.
You know we flipped a coin to see who got famous first.
- I guess you won.
- Nope.
I lost.
Reggie insisted we go two out of three.
- And then you won.
- Maybe.
I think Reggie fixed it.
Why? 'Cause he knew it had to be me.
See, Reggie can handle anything.
Life couldn't beat him.
Me, if I wasn't Shy Baldwin, I don't know.
I don't know who I'd be.
Tell me something.
What? Is your real name Shy? - No.
- What is it? Even Reggie doesn't know that one.
Do you like being famous? I didn't like not being famous, so this is better.
I think I'd like being famous.
I think you're gonna find out.
Boy, it's beautiful out here.
POOL BOY: Susie Myerson.
Phone.
Thanks, kid.
- I remember the face.
- Ah, get out of Florida.
- Yup.
- Why do I hear splashing? Sophie.
Nice to hear from you.
You loving your new theater? Got you a hell of a dressing room, didn't I? Yeah, the mice seem to like it.
Well, it was good enough for Julie Andrews.
Well, she's young.
I bet she hasn't drunkenly banged the light guy thinking it's her leading man yet.
So you sound good and normal.
Even though everything's gone to hell? Okay, what's the problem? Gavin has been talking and talking and talking to me for hours.
- That's called rehearsal.
- No.
In addition to the rehearsal talking, there's been one-on-one, close-quarters talking, and I don't know what the hell he's saying.
I don't know if you realize this, but he has some sort of accent that makes normal words sound completely distorted.
If I hadn't read the play, I wouldn't have known - his name was Jean.
- It's not that thick an accent.
I don't know if he's asking me to fuck him or if he needs some water or a cough drop.
Who cares? He's a great actor.
Do we know that, though? How do we know that? Read The Times.
I'm gonna have to have you read The Times to me.
Mmm.
Yesterday's was better.
Susie? Yes, Sophie? (SIGHS) My Jell-O was disappointing.
Okay, Sophie, you have to take a deep breath.
- (INHALES) - Now listen to me very closely.
Ugh This is what you wanted, to be on Broadway and prove you are a serious actress.
This is what you came to me for.
So now you have to take the cork out of your ass, you have to open your fucking ears, swallow the disappointing Jell-O, and go out there and do the work.
You show those assholes you are right and they are wrong, and then you can go to the Tonys and completely forget to thank me in your acceptance speech.
I will forget to thank you.
You will be great.
Gavin will be great.
You will make Gavin great.
I will make him great, won't I? Put that on your plate.
All right.
I'll eat the Jell-O.
That-a girl.
Really getting the hang of this shit.
- (PHONE RINGING) - (SUSIE WHISTLING) Hello? Did you tell Sophie she would make me better? What? God, no.
I-I said she'd be made better by you.
Oh.
Well, all right then.
But did you know that she wants - her dogs in the play? - I did not.
- Did you know that she wants them to have billing? - I did not.
- With a box around their names? - Did not know that either.
She's impossible to deal with, did you know that? - Taking the Fifth.
- I have to say that in all my years in this business, I've worked with every drunken, drug-addled piece of work in a dress, male or female, and I have never, ever met anyone so completely lacking in sanity.
Yeah, I think it feels that way now 'cause you're in the thick of it.
I did Midsummer Night's Dream where Titania killed Oberon with a letter opener onstage, and that woman I would work with again over Sophie Lennon.
Look, Gavin, her craziness, if that's what you call it It is exactly what I call it.
Her craziness is also her brilliance, and her brilliance manifests itself in craziness.
And the real problem here is that her brilliance mixed with your brilliance, well, it's almost too much brilliance for one production.
Almost.
But there is an even bigger chance that the brilliance of you causing the brilliance of her will stun New York audiences, bringing them to their knees, and make your performance one of those performances people talk about forever, like Gielgud's Hamlet.
Oh.
Well, when you put it like that - (DOGS BARKING) - (GROANS) I have to go, my costars are here.
Keep calm and carry on, pal.
- Let me guess.
Sophie? - Gavin.
- About Sophie? - Where'd you get the grub? Leftovers from Shy.
God, fucking love rich people food.
He has this beautiful sailboat.
It gave me the perfect chance to finally wear the boating outfit - I brought on tour.
- Oh, thank God.
I was getting worried.
You know, Shy's a complicated man, but I think he likes me.
Yeah? How much? We're becoming friends.
I have a calming effect on him.
I don't like you on a boat.
- Why not? - Boats sink.
But they mostly don't, and that's what makes them boats.
They get torpedoed.
They hit icebergs.
No boats.
No bikes.
I don't want you riding on or in anything.
Just sit quietly and read a Bible, and no New Testament.
Yes, Reggie.
I'm gonna take a shower.
I don't know what that Reggie crack meant, but this is one hell of a sandwich.
It's so lean.
MIDGE: This is actually Shy's favorite room to play.
His lucky theater.
- Did you hear that, Mama? - Hear what? That this is Shy's favorite room to perform in.
Perform what? I think dinner after the show was a bad idea.
But drinking before was genius.
Oh, excuse me, waiter, I'd like a martini.
There's one in your hand, Mama.
Parker.
Parker, these are A martini with olives, but the martini's the important part.
Mama, you can order at the table.
Control your woman.
Says my daughter before she performs her comedy.
Let's try this again.
As I was saying, Parker, these are my parents.
- Abe and Rose Weissman.
- Hello, Parker.
- I ordered a martini.
I want it.
- I will make sure you get it.
So I can only sit with you for just a minute - before I have to go.
- Go where? Go do my set.
- Oh, that's still happening? - Yes, that's happening.
Oh, bring another while you're up.
Two, actually.
Going for a record there, Mama? - I'm just saving him a trip, Marion.
- Miriam.
Oh, but Marion's nice, too.
Should we change it? I wouldn't, but it's up to you.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
I got hung up on a call.
Mama, Papa, you remember Susie, my manager? - Yes.
Hello, there.
- Hello, Abe.
Hello, Rose.
- These are mine.
- Can you excuse us a second? Well, at least you'll know where the heckling's coming from.
They started drinking an hour before I got to them.
Do me a favor, keep an eye on them, especially my mother.
Slow the gin stream.
- Yeah, I don't want to do that.
- Hey, guess what? Susie, who gets ten percent of my salary, is gonna sit here and keep you company.
- Very smooth.
- See you after my show.
(CLEARS THROAT) Well, you are in for a treat tonight.
Miriam is getting very comfortable up there.
Susie, you've seen her act quite a bit, I assume.
I have, yes.
Good.
I'd like you to do it for me.
- What? - The whole thing, word for word.
I don't want any surprises.
If I know what's coming, I can cover my ears, cough strategically.
Just tell me the jokes, and if there are any hand gestures I need to be prepared for, do those, too.
- Susie, excuse me.
You have a call.
- Thank you, Parker.
(CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me a minute.
Susie Myerson here.
- How are you? - I'm fine.
- And Florida? - Florida's fine.
Wonderful.
Sophie and Gavin are having sex.
- What? - Right now.
Backstage.
Loud, violent, animalistic sex.
That's impossible.
They hate each other.
(SOPHIE AND GAVIN MOANING LOUDLY) Does that sound like they hate each other? Kind of, yeah.
(LOUD GRUNTING) Are you sure that's not the dogs? I am.
2:00 p.
m.
this afternoon, I walked into the theater, welcomed everyone to the first day of tech, and bam, off they went.
Wait, they've been at it since 2:00? - (SIGHS): Yes.
- (SOPHIE SHRIEKING) Jesus Christ, that is disturbing.
Flower Drum Song has complained.
Bye Bye Birdie called Equity.
There will be a hefty fine.
Any suggestions? Well, they got to finish eventually.
Just wait it out.
The woman hasn't had anything but Jell-O for a month.
How long can she last? (SOPHIE AND GAVIN SHOUTING) (GROANS) Stop doing that! Enjoy Florida.
The stars of my Broadway show are hate-fucking.
- So, who wants another drink? - Oh, me.
I do.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) There's a new thing called a birth control pill.
Have you heard of it? It's just a little pill, and when you take it, you can have sex all you want and not get pregnant.
However, only married women are allowed to take it.
You know, women who don't want to have sex.
- (LAUGHTER) - Who says the Food and Drug Administration doesn't have a sense of humor.
(LAUGHTER) 1960.
An interesting time to be a woman.
You know, they say and by "they", I mean men they say that the women's vote may just put Senator Kennedy in the White House.
And why? Because women think he's cute.
Which I find highly offensive.
And he's extremely cute.
(LAUGHTER) But here's my question.
Why does it have to be either/or? I mean, why can't I wish he'd enact his six-point plan for health care and also wish he'd dump Jackie and marry me? - (LAUGHTER) - Like, does being a modern woman mean I have to give up being a girl? Or liking pink? Or horses? Or getting out of swimming 'cause I have cramps.
- (LAUGHTER) - I mean I'd have been a terrible suffragette.
Right? Don't get me wrong.
I love having the vote.
And voting.
You get a pin.
And I really admire all those women who marched to earn that right and protested and wore white which may be their greatest sacrifice, because white is a very tricky color.
It washes you out, it makes you look fat, or like a nurse, and you can't wear it after Labor Day unless you're a Klansman.
(LAUGHTER) So, here were these heroic women, marching for their rights, in white, on streets, - where there's dirt.
- (LAUGHTER) So not only were they jailed and force-fed and persecuted, but the laundry! - (LAUGHTER) - Oy! So, 1960.
Change is coming.
And I believe that someday a next-generation suffragette will wear pink and ride horses, and an unmarried woman will take the pill so she can have as much sex as she wants and not get pregnant, - (WOMEN CHEERING) - and a married woman will just have a headache and call it a night! (LAUGHTER) Ooh, what the hell? We didn't order these.
The staff and I have an understanding.
- Keep 'em coming, Clint.
- Hey, Rosie, why don't you eat a little something, huh? Hey, Susie, why don't you grow a few inches, hmm? Okay.
So that's where we are.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oops.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING) Well, you won't believe this, but I am all talked out.
But you have been the greatest audience in the world.
Thank you for making me look good in front of my parents.
I'm sure it will change absolutely nothing, but I certainly appreciate the effort.
I'm Mrs.
Maisel.
- Thank you.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Now, as much as I'd like to think that you're all here just for me, I know this is the moment you've actually been waiting for.
Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Shy Baldwin! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) (BAND PLAYING MID-TEMPO INTRO) (SCREAMS) The stars shine Your eyes catch mine And your light is all I can see Could there be One less angel in Heaven Count the one less angel in Heaven Must be one less angel in Heaven 'Cause you're here smiling at me The strings play You move my way I'm soaring, now I guarantee There must be One less angel in Heaven What happened? I asked you to watch her.
I failed.
I failed miserably.
- I'll say.
- She's crazy.
She's John Huston in underwire.
I don't know why she hasn't thrown up yet.
I kept trying to get her not to order more drinks, and she called me a circus freak.
Told me what my cage would look like at the freak show.
And what kind of billing I'd get after the dog-faced boy but before the pinhead.
And even then, I couldn't get her to stop drinking, so I tried to drink her drink before she could drink it, and then the more I drank, the more I forgot what drink was her drink and what drink was my drink, and then we're both ordering drinks, and then we're both drinking, and I am so fucked up.
You look like Siamese twins, so you're a freak, too.
- Okay.
- And your dad, he's not doing too good, either, but that's mainly because everything's too loud, and the air conditioner's blowing right on him.
Having fun? I love Florida.
We should move here.
Live here.
In this room.
I'm not sure they have enough gin.
And Shy Baldwin? Are you hearing him? He's right there.
- He sure is.
- I'm gonna marry him.
I love you, Shy Baldwin! Excuse me.
Do you have a warm blanket? (SEABIRD SQUAWKING IN DISTANCE) Good morning.
Morning, Papa.
I brought breakfast.
- (SCREAMS) - Ooh, that's much better.
Thank you.
You sure tied one on last night, lady.
That's because someone said no dinner till after the show.
And then someone else decided to drink her own weight in gin.
- I do not weigh that much.
- You remember meeting Shy? - Shy? - Baldwin.
I didn't meet Shy Baldwin.
You talked to him for an hour.
You made him listen while you sang his entire Christmas album to him in Yiddish.
That's not true.
Do you remember seeing me perform? - No.
- I remember.
I laughed twice.
I laughed four times when I saw Red Skelton, so you're half as funny as that.
- What's that smell? - Eggs.
- Make them stop.
- Come on, Mama, you must remember something from last night, - something I said? - No.
I remember there were periods of time when you were talking and there was no laughter.
- That's called setting up a joke.
- Well, you might want - to lose that, because nobody laughs.
- Good tip.
That's what I remember: the silence.
Okay.
Though to be fair, the last time I saw you, it was all penis and sex and fuck and balls and penis and tits.
- Oh, Abe, for God's sake.
- My-my point is that you were there on a very clean night.
Oh, yes, lucky me.
I feel like I'm gonna die, but at least I missed my daughter's dirty show.
It's okay, Mama.
You'll have one more shot at it tonight.
- What are you talking about? - The agreement was: - you see me perform.
- I did.
But you don't remember it, so it doesn't count.
- Of course it counts.
- Nope.
I'm not seeing your act again.
You didn't see it the first time.
If I took you to court, you would lose that argument.
Then sue me.
I want to go home.
I miss my apartment.
My beautiful apartment.
- (GROANS): Oh, Mama.
- If that fucking Shy Baldwin hadn't have called, you'd be married right now.
Excuse me.
Relax, Papa, I've got it.
You should go do something fun.
- She's gonna be down for a while.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - Mama? - (KNOCKING) - I'm coming in.
Okay? - (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) (BOTH YELLING) - You gave me a heart attack! - (LAUGHING) Ah, your face! Hysterical! I'm a city dweller.
So images in the ocean all come from monster movies.
- Oh - Squid from outer space with lasers for eyes.
Godzilla and Nazi U-boats.
It was always so easy to get you.
Oh, yes, I am particularly gullible.
Yeah.
Hello, Abe? Upton Sinclair here.
- (LAUGHING) - Well, you sounded just like him.
Not that I know what he sounds like.
Oh, it's nice to joke around with you again - after all these years.
- (LAUGHS): I have to admit, seeing you in a swimsuit takes some getting used to.
(LAUGHS) Well, it's Florida, Abe.
It's a swimsuit or nothing.
Upton Sinclair.
- Just like him.
- (CHUCKLES) (GROANS) Whoo! ABE: Vito Vincenzo.
- That was it! - ABE: We were gonna unionize the Lower East Side fruit vendors if it killed us, and Vito was the lone holdout.
- How we harangued that poor man.
- "How could you do this to your fellow fruit men? Have you no shame, sir?" (CHUCKLES): We called him "the one bad apple".
We put we put "union" signs on his lemons! On each individual lemon.
We had a good deal of time on our hands.
It's so quiet here.
Just the ocean.
ASHER: I love it.
I just love it.
You know, I always had a hard time picturing you here.
- Why? - You're so New York.
A man of the city.
I wouldn't survive in that city for five minutes now.
Look at what I have here: sun, surf, freedom! (BOTH CHUCKLE) I open when I want; I close when I want.
I haven't put on socks in weeks, and every night there's a beautiful sunset, and I never miss it.
It's paradise.
You know I'm not teaching anymore.
You're kidding.
What happened? I lost my taste for it.
It didn't seem important, what I was doing there.
So what are you doing now? I've been trying to figure that out.
I've been missing the old me, the man you knew.
I I thought I could get that fire back, I could care about something, be involved in something meaningful.
- You know what I mean? - I sell bait now, so no.
(ABE CHUCKLES) I met some young people in a bar.
They talked a lot like we used to talk.
Lots of jargon and mentions of Trotsky.
Trotsky's still a thing? They wanted to start a paper.
Everyone wants to start a paper.
- We wanted to start a paper.
- I thought maybe I could help them achieve their goals, make a difference, but after a few weeks, I realized they were just a bunch of idiots.
All young people are just a bunch of idiots.
They couldn't focus or spell or form a coherent thought.
They think "It's the '60s, man" is a manifesto of some sort.
To them, all you have to do is not bathe, and you're a rebel.
Well, there we differed.
We always bathed.
We did.
We smelled wonderful.
You really don't miss New York? Not at all.
Have you been back? You mean since I was blacklisted and my last play closed without opening? No, no, I have not.
Things are different now.
I have a life here.
You were such a wonderful writer.
Do you write at all? (CHUCKLES): Now? No.
Why not? After all you've been through, - you must have a great story in you - Abe.
I gave the theater all I have, and it sent me away.
I know, I know, it I was one of the most successful playwrights on Broadway.
Every one of my shows made money.
I won the Pulitzer Prize.
The critics hailed me as the American Chekhov.
And then one schmuck calls me a communist, and poof, over! My friends gone.
My agent, my producer gone.
20 years to build a life; two months to watch it go.
The theater broke my heart.
I wish there was s-something I could have done.
What? Get up in front of McCarthy and tell him the fruit stand story? Tell him you were a good man.
Tell him I wasn't a communist? I was.
(QUIETLY): No.
You were a teacher.
You had a young family.
What good would it do to take you down with me? I would have happily taken the chance.
I know.
You know, every night I lock up this kiosk, I go home, I lay in my bed, and I think maybe tomorrow when I go back, it won't be there.
Someone will have stolen it, burned it down.
Sometimes I don't even lock it.
Give the thieves a fighting chance.
But every morning I get up, and when I walk back up the beach, there it is.
Shining testament to my failure.
You didn't fail.
Others failed you.
A lot of those people are still there.
In New York, in the theater.
And I wear flowered shorts to work.
So, New York New York and I are done.
You know they're doing one of my plays here? In Miami? Local community group.
(LAUGHS): Which play? Pillar of Salt.
This is a very ambitious community theater.
Yeah.
They did a rousing production of Bloomer Girl last year, so I'm sure they're very qualified.
(ABE CHUCKLES) You should go see it.
I'll go with you.
- We'll go together.
- Abe.
No.
Huh.
I believe we need to restock.
It's nice to see an old friend again, Abe.
(ABE CHUCKLES) You're still a mensch.
Gives me hope.
Looks good.
Looks really good.
Some tables, a few chairs, and this place is a club.
Yeah.
You want to show a little enthusiasm there? Home stretch, pal.
You know, Mei got me that liquor license.
How the hell did she do that? How the hell does she do anything? - She just did it.
- So? Sometimes you need a little help.
No.
I have to sink or swim on my own here.
I played second fiddle to Midge our whole marriage, and I just can't do that again.
Then you need to start picking different women.
- (SCOFFS) - You pick conductors.
You need someone who plays the triangle.
Triangle girls are boring.
Imogene? Hi, honey! - What are you - We just painted that.
Shit.
ARCHIE: Yeah.
She does that.
Good color.
Right, honey? We could paint the living room that color.
Because I am Just as terrifying the second time.
These are your children, Archie.
I just thought, since you're not home anymore, you might forget who they are and what they look like.
And this is the reason you have those three children.
Again, just to jog your memory.
You don't think you're being a little dramatic? Am I? Maybe.
People do weird things when they've been in isolation for too long.
You're hardly in isolation.
Your mother's there.
The kids are there.
And, by the way, you wrote the wrong name on one of those pictures.
Unless you changed Eric to Pete while I was out.
Ha! That was a test.
Thank God you passed.
- Look, Imogene - What do you think you have to contribute here, Joel? - Nothing.
- (EXHALES) I'll be over there.
Can we please discuss this when I get home? Oh, you're coming home? How nice.
When will that be? - Tonight.
- What time tonight? I'm not sure.
- I want to be up.
- 11:00.
- 11:00.
Tonight.
- Yes.
I'll powder my nose in anticipation.
You had to bring everything down with you, didn't you? Imogene.
Go after her, Archie.
No.
Better to let her cool down.
I'll deal with it tonight.
You sure? I can hit these clubs alone.
What fun would that be? It's not for fun.
It's research.
Checking out the competition.
Oh.
So no drinking.
Oh, no, there will be drinking.
But sad, un-fun drinking.
Perfect night for that.
MAN: Nothing will be there tomorrow.
WOMAN: And the girls have their piano lessons - down on 12th Street.
- No pianos, no lessons, no streets.
- WOMAN: You're trying to scare me.
- Yes, I have to.
WOMAN: You said the same thing when the protestors marched in the square and when the cinema showed the film about the young lovers in French.
"It's the end of everything".
But it wasn't, was it? MAN: This is something entirely different.
Not slow degeneration, now.
Complete and utter destruction coming like lightning in the space of an hour by the hand of God.
- (JAZZ PLAYING) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Hello.
Now, this is more like it.
Much classier than the last place.
Your feet don't stick to the floor.
Let's put that on the list.
Clean the floor once in a while.
Whiskey, neat.
- Two of 'em.
- How much? - Three dollars.
- For two whiskeys? Do they come with the distillery? So, not a comedy club.
I'll say.
What are you doing? Make mine a double.
You took your ring off.
It's easier to strike up conversations if people don't think there's a wife at home.
There is a wife at home.
And she's gonna rename all your children.
(CHUCKLES) Joel, relax.
What kind of conversations are you hoping to strike up? "On the town" conversations.
What are "on the town" conversations? Ones that aren't about kids or with my mother-in-law.
I got this.
Here you go! Yeah, well, there won't be much time for any conversations.
This is our last stop.
One drink, a quick once-over, then we're home.
Sure.
Sure.
Hey, buy those girls down there a round.
(CHUCKLES): Hi.
- You keeping track of the time? - Yes, I am.
- You have to be home by 11:00.
- I have a watch.
Oh, you didn't take it off? - Just wanted to make sure.
- What, are you my mother now? You promised Imogene you'd be home.
If you're not, then I'm the asshole.
- You're already a little bit of an asshole, actually.
- How 'bout no one's an asshole and you get home by 11:00? Hey, I never gave you any grief when you went through your Penny phase.
Oh, so now you're going through a Penny phase? I'm buying a couple of drinks for a couple of girls.
- That's it.
- You're making a mistake.
(CHUCKLES): Oh, my God.
You should listen to me.
I'm doing you a favor.
- I'm not doing anything.
Nothing! - You're gonna fuck it all up.
I'm not gonna fuck anything up.
I'm not you! I never took my ring off.
I never fucked my secretary.
What the hell? Are you crazy?! (GRUNTING) (WOMEN SCREAMING) Hey, I'm sorry.
I am so, so sorry.
(GRUNTING) I am not gonna let you - be late, goddamn it! - (BAND STOPS PLAYING) Were you a hall monitor in school?! You're supposed to be home by 11:00! - (GRUNTING) - (SCREAMING) (GRUNTING, SHOUTING) Okay.
We're going.
We're going! These are the best bouncers we've seen so far.
I'll give 'em that.
Ah, shit.
I am terrible at this.
Is that how your nephew's feet are shaped? That's it.
They all get bass lessons for Christmas.
- Oh.
Hi.
- OTHERS: Hey.
Tough room.
Shy's missing.
What do you mean, Shy's missing? He was a no-show at sound check.
He's just pulling the same diva shit he always does.
- Remember Des Moines? - I remember Des Moines.
But Shy wouldn't do that, just not show up.
- Would he? - (SCOFFS) Sometimes he's just late.
Sometimes he leaves us sitting around for hours.
Sometimes days.
- Weeks.
- BILLY: Des Moines.
But maybe something happened to him.
Nothing's happened to him.
He's just being an asshole.
ALL: Des Moines.
But did anybody call his room? Or did you check the boat? Reggie and Henry have a list of his regular haunts.
If he wants to be found, they'll find him.
- Fuck it.
I'm going back in.
- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) SLIM: I don't know why you try.
Because this is women's work, Slim.
- (BUOY BELL CLANGING) - (HORN BLOWS IN DISTANCE) Shy? Shy, are you here? Oh, my God.
Shy? Are you all right? It's Midge.
Look at me.
Don't talk to strangers.
Isn't that what your mama tells you? (GRUNTS) Here.
Hold this.
You have to put the scotch down.
Oh, that is never gonna happen.
Can you move? Are you hurt anywhere else? Where is there a light here? Too many questions.
Sorry.
One more question.
- What happened? - What happened? Well, I went out, I met someone You met someone? Who? Jake LaMotta? Go away, Midge.
Shy, please.
Please what? I went to a bar.
I brought someone back here.
I have to paint you a picture? It would help.
I'm a singer, not a painter.
I don't understand.
Your face is a mess.
What kind of girl could've done this to you? Oh, honey.
"Oh, honey" what? Oh.
Oh.
(EXHALES) So, Monica Looks good in the pictures.
All the girls look good in the pictures.
But why would he do this to you? Guess he was a Chuck Berry fan.
Promised Reggie this would never happen again.
I promised.
Hey, hey, it's okay.
Listen, we need to get you looked at.
- No.
- You were attacked.
No.
No doctors.
No one can know.
No one in the band.
They're gonna be furious with me.
- No, they won't.
- Did they mention Des Moines? They did not mention Des Moines.
- They will.
- They're just worried about you.
You are funny, Midge.
(CHUCKLES) (PAINED): Shit.
Okay, if there's one thing a Jewish girl knows, it's when to see a doctor.
I have to get to the show.
- Shy - I can't miss it.
I promised Reggie.
He can't know about this.
- But - I mean it.
You can't tell him you found me like this.
You can't tell anyone.
No one.
Okay.
I won't.
I promise.
We'll just We'll fix you up.
We can go back to the hotel.
I have some makeup in my room.
Harriet, my friend at B.
Altman, taught me some tricks about darker skin, so I can just I can't go to your hotel.
What do you mean, my hotel? This is Florida.
We don't stay in your hotels.
In Florida, we stay in Overtown.
Fine.
Forget hotels.
Okay, you are a very, very vain person.
I see we stopped feeling sorry for me now.
You must have something, some kind of makeup here on the boat.
(GRUNTS) I can work with this.
(INHALES) Okay.
(BREATHING HEAVILY) All right.
Hold still.
I will fix you up.
Dwayne.
What? My name is Dwayne.
You're going to be just fine, Dwayne.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Hey, I just heard that Shy's here.
I think.
I-I wasn't really paying attention, so Stool set.
Shit.
Stool set.
- Stool set.
- Stool set.
- Stool set.
- (BAND CHATTERING) Stool set.
Let's go.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the Fontainebleau Hotel is proud to present Shy Baldwin.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) No one has to know I think you're wonderful No one has to know You're my dream come true Let the world go spinning in space We'll find a place for two - Why's he doing a stool set? - I don't know, man Why's he doing a stool set? So no one has to know I want you No one but you No one else can tell I think you're beautiful No one else can tell You're my favorite view Let the world all think what they want I'll wait until They're through 'Cause no one has to know I need you No one but you You Where's Papa? He's tired.
What are you doing? I'm sitting down with you.
- Why? - Because I know you, and it would be weird if I sat over there with them.
Don't you have to perform? No.
Change of plans.
Oh.
Oh! Well, that's a shame.
Excuse me, sir.
Can I get some coffee? Why not? What happened? Well, see Shh.
Shy is singing.
Feel the same No one has to know We could have everything No one has to know That I always knew Let the world do what it does You're safe with me because I love you (TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING) No one but you Ooh No one but you (DINGS) There's no one but You I told you before Stay away from my door Don't give me that brother, brother, brother, brother The freaks on the phone Won't leave me alone So don't give me that brother, brother, brother, brother No I I found out I I found out Now that I showed you what I been through Don't take nobody's word What you can do There ain't no Jesus gonna come from the sky Now that I found out I know I can cry I I found out I I found out Some of you sitting there with your cock in your hand Don't get you nowhere Don't make you a man I heard something 'bout my ma and my pa They didn't want me so they made me a star I I found out I I found out.