The Mighty Boosh (2003) s03e06 Episode Script

1 So, are you all set for tonight? Yeah.
We're really grateful for this.
We've had a tough week.
- How come? - Our singer got pushed in a canal by a gorilla.
- By a gorilla? In Dalston? - Yeah, I know.
He somehow survived, - then got backed over by a wizard in a van.
- 12 times.
- Finished him of.
- Really? You've had a shocker.
So what will you do? Have you got a new singer? Not yet.
I think we'll have to do an instrumental set.
It's a bit of a shame.
I've got an idea.
It's a crazy idea, but I'm gonna be at the gig anyway, and I can sing.
I know all the lyrics to your songs, and I was mucking about on Photoshop the other day and accidentally Photoshopped my own head over your dead singer's face.
Out of grief more than anything.
I don't know.
What do you think? Save you auditioning anyone else.
Vince, you're a nice guy and you've got a good look, but you ever played football? - Yeah.
Why? - Your legs are a bit muscular.
- We've got a thin-legs policy in this band.
- I've got thin legs.
- No, chicken drummers, mate.
- Look, come on, guys.
I could do this.
- I could be your singer.
It'll be amazing.
- I tell you what.
If you can get into these the gig's yours.
They'll be fine.
They look a bit baggy, if anything.
Yeah, easy.
I'll see you tonight for the gig.
And give my condolences to Neville's family.
- You mean Nathan.
- Whatever.
Come with us now on a journey through time and space.
To the world of "The Mighty Boosh".
"The Mighty Boosh" Come with us to "The Mighty Boosh" "The Mighty Boosh" Come with us to "The Mighty Boosh" Life is pain.
Suicide is freedom.
Coming up next, a seven-hour documentary about Danish avant-garde cinema.
Oh, yes.
- This is never gonna work.
- What do you mean? You're never gonna wither your legs using a wheelchair.
It's insanity.
You don't know.
Maybe if I don't use them, I'll drop a size.
I will get into those drainpipes.
I will.
- Why don't you just accept it? - What do you mean? You've got muscular legs, like a football player.
That needn't be a bad thing.
It didn't get in the way for Van Morrison.
He shufled to the top on his beefy Celtic drummers.
Can you not mention Van Morrison? - He's a Nik Nak in a ginger wig.
- Why are you letting it get to you? I've got to get in this band and they've got a drainpipe policy.
Stop mocking me.
Come and watch tonight.
It's gonna be good.
- My nights are genius.
- I don't think so.
I've got other things to do.
- As if you've got anything to do.
- What? Gonna go to Lester Corncrake's house, stick your phone up his arse and ring him? - That was a mistake.
- Yeah, right.
He doesn't see very well.
He sat on the phone, and I was ringing him to find out where it was.
He thought a bumblebee had gone up him.
It was quite traumatic for him.
- I wanna know how he answered it.
- It was a bit weird.
Why don't you come along? My nights, they're genius.
I don't think so.
You know what I'm doing? I'm gonna see Jurgen Haabemaaster speak about his latest project.
- Who? - Jurgen Haabemaaster.
Know who he is? Only the leading exponent of avant-garde cinema working in Denmark today.
Incredible mind.
You know what he once did? He once strapped 14 cameras to the back of a dying swan and hurled it into a supermarket.
Unbelievable footage.
Never saw that.
Have you seen Herbie Goes Bananas? It's called culture, something you wouldn't know about.
My nights are packed full of culture.
Black Tubes? That's just men in tight trousers howling.
It's not just music.
It's about cabaret now, it's coming back.
You've got to have variety.
We've got dancing girls, an actor.
- An actor? Who have you got? - We've got Sammy the Crab.
Sammy the Crab? Are you joking? - He's the best actor of his generation.
- Get real.
He's awful.
- What? He'd be in Hollywood now.
- What, if he wasn't a crab? No, if he wasn't keeping it real in theatre.
- His eyes are on stalks.
- Yeah, he uses that to his advantage.
Have you seen his one-man version of Streetcar Named Desire? It's the seminal Kowalski.
You can't go back to Brando after you've seen Sammy.
12 encores.
Took his little vest of, threw it into the crowd.
I caught it.
Look.
That's gonna be worth something one day.
Hey, Vincey.
Howard Moon, as I breathe and stink.
How are you? I'm doing pretty good, Fossil, yeah.
Things are going OK and Boring.
Hey, are you still trying to sell these jazz records? Or, as I like to say, these liquid discs of shit.
- Yes, they're selling very well, thank you.
- Ooh.
I'm Howard Moon and I know how to use my talkie round hole! Hey, Vince, how are the legs? Not bad.
I've gone down three sizes.
Two sizes to go and I am in those drainpipes.
Beauteous.
You get into the band, you get me in as a manager.
You're my little golden boy.
You're my shower monkey.
You're my two-ton circle of fun! Hey, and I got this poster too.
Cool.
And listen, we got a big-shot director coming down to see Sammy the Crab.
Is there any room on the door? The guestlist is a little tight.
What's his name? Jurgen Haabemaaster.
OK, he can come, but no plus-one.
I'm chocka.
OK, bye.
- Hey, Vince.
Cup of tea? - What? - Cup of tea or a sandwich? - There's no way.
- You don't even know what I'm gonna say.
- I do.
- Put me on at the club tonight.
- Oh, really? I unleash my raw acting chops, blow Sammy of the stage, - Jurgen puts me in his latest project.
- You can't act.
Oh, really? Well, what then, pray, is this? - I don't know.
What is that? - Me as Hamlet.
You didn't know about that.
You've never actually played Hamlet.
I know.
But had I, that's what I would look like.
You knocked that up at the photocopy centre.
It's just bizarre.
Give me a break.
All I need is one shot.
It's my number-one dream to work with Jurgen.
I thought in your number-one dream you had a boxing glove on your head and a minge.
OK, it's in my top four.
Please.
I've only seen you act at school.
Remember? We did Aladdin.
You were the genie.
You froze in your gold trousers.
Mr.
Freeze we called you.
You got bottled of by Year 9.
The headmaster got you in a headlock.
That was years ago.
I can act any time.
Just watch me.
You can't act when other people are in the room.
A cheese plant can send you into a panic.
- Cheese plants can be judgmental.
- I'd like to help, but I can't.
It's my night.
If you freeze, it's gonna be me carrying you out of there like a post.
I don't freeze any more.
That was when I was a young boy.
Now I'm a grown man.
I'm loose.
I'm at ease with myself.
Just let me release a couple of my chops for Jurgen tonight, please.
- Perhaps just one chop.
- All right.
- Yes! - I'll give you an audition.
What are you doing? Howard, have you frozen? Oh.
There aren't any auditions.
Oh.
OK.
- You'd better not do that tonight.
- That was a joke.
I was joking with you.
Cool.
I'll put you on in the second half.
Hey, Vincey, I've just been on the internet.
I've got some ideas on how to get your pins down.
- Really? - OK, follow me.
Let's do it.
Let's go, baby.
The Doctor and the Pencil is one of my first films.
It is an exploration of pain and rage.
Saying that, the film is playful and comedic too.
Make the calll Make the calll Fucking make the calll Yeahl Yeahl So playful.
Howard? Help me.
- Thanks.
- What's the matter? I'll tell you what the matter is.
I just can't act.
Yeah, I see what you mean.
The thing about acting, Howard, it's about motivation.
- Remember when I was in Candide? - I didn't know you were in that.
I did a lot of French period drama before I worked in Megabowl.
- I remember in one scene I had to be upset.
- What did you do? What I did was I looked back to the most traumatic period of my life, the time I was most angry.
It was when Pete stole my trainers.
I went berserk.
And I took that emotion and I used it in the scene.
Mr.
De Beauvois, your conduct this evening has been intolerable.
I've a good mind to thrash you, so you'd better explain yourself before I do.
Never mind that.
Where are my trainers?! I need 'em for work! What, am I supposed to go to Megabowl with my socks on? - Thanks for that, Naboo.
- Don't mention it.
I did a bit of acting once.
I was in Home and Away.
I played Carol.
- Ah, top of the evening to you.
- Hi.
- What can I get for you, fella? - I'll just have a whisky, please.
Looks like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders.
Know what I do when I'm down in the dumps? I jump over the neighbour's fence, take his cat and twist his neck.
Just twist it a little bit, then twist it some more, then kick him and then throw him down and then twist his neck some more.
And - Just get a whisky, please.
- Coming right up.
- Bad day? - Yeah, you could say that.
- What's wrong? - I was all set to go on stage, a big-shot director was gonna be there, but I can't act.
I just I just can't act! - Yes, that wasn't great, was it? - I freeze up, you know? I've got stage fright.
Ah, the chokes.
Old chokey.
Chokus-pocus.
Many a fine actor sufered from the chokes.
John Gielgud, Richard Harris, Peter O'Toole.
All sufered from the chokes.
I remember talking to Gielgud about it.
He was furious with himself.
- You've actually met Gielgud? - He was my understudy for a year, the bitch.
- Who are you? - Cast your eyes across my portrait, yonder.
My God! You're Paul Weller.
No, the next one along.
- Bruce Foxton? - The next portrait along.
- Montgomery Flange! - Ah, at your service.
You were the greatest actor of your generation.
You disappeared, though.
What happened? It's a sad story.
I won't bore you with it.
It was about 1976, I think it was.
I was in my heyday.
Everything was going right for me.
Rave reviews, the lot.
I wanted this part.
I wanted it so bad.
I prepared for it for months, but I was pipped to the post by another actor.
Confidence shattered, lost my wife.
Everything turned to shit.
Apart from a brief stint playing bass for The Style Council, I've not worked since.
- Monty, I've got an idea.
- Hm? You're a great actor, I need training up.
Why don't you train me? Take the chokes of me, train me up as an actor.
No, no, no.
I don't do that any more.
Thank you, but, no, no, no.
I suppose Sammy will be getting ready to go on stage now.
- Who? - Sammy the Crab.
No! No, Sammy! No, Sammy the Crab! No, Sammy the Crab! I hate him! He was the one I lost the part to, the one who ran of with my wife.
Oh, there's not a day goes by when I don't want to kill Sammy, throw him into a huge cooking pot and eat the little pink wanker! Argh! - So he's on the bill with you tonight? - He's my competition.
If I train you, get rid of the chokes, we'd be sticking it to Sammy? - Damn right we would.
- We have no time to lose.
Let's go.
- Where? - To my secret woodland acting training area.
OK, I'm pretty sure this is the answer, Vince.
- Now, instructions say don't go over level 10.
- OK.
But the gig starts in an hour, so I'm going to take you to level 42.
All right.
Do it, Bollo.
Oh, yeah.
Come on.
Feel it.
Bollo, can you stop pretending to be Mark King and make my legs thin? - Sorry.
- Dickhead.
Ah, here we are once more in my acting dojo.
It's not easy being an actor.
Sometimes you'll have to act for 30, 35 minutes in one go.
With no interval.
Well, a short interval.
But then another half an hour.
- Do you think you have what it takes? - Yes.
- Do you? - Yes.
- Do you want it? - I want it.
- But do you really want it? - I want it more than life itself.
Well, you're going to have to want it a little bit more than that.
- How is that possible? - Not sure.
Acting.
Now, first things first.
What the hell is this? Are you training to be a football manager? Are you Terry Venables? No, no, no, no, no.
- We need appropriate acting attire.
Tights.
- Tights.
I want to see you skipping around the bracken in your tights.
- I didn't bring any tights with me.
- Luckily, I did.
Behind the tree.
Of you pop.
Put them on.
Don't worry, boy, I won't look.
Emotions.
Now, Howard, as an actor, you'll need to summon up emotions as quick as a beam.
OK? I'm going to fire a few at you now.
Pain.
Sorrow.
Ecstasy.
MDMA.
Joy.
Jealousy.
A situation.
You've lost your ladder.
Look for your ladder.
You've found it again.
One of the rungs is missing.
Who did this?! Was it little Johnny with his trousers around his ankles? Ask him! Confront him! - Did you break my ladder? - No, not with your mouth, with your nose! Tell me a story with your nose.
Useless! Time for a break.
Let's have a liquorice roly, a double brandy and bitch about the industry.
Who the fuck is John Simm? John Simm.
Lesson 49, object animation.
- What do you see in front of you? - A pencil.
A pencil? No, no, no! Look, it's Niagara Falls.
It's a seagull.
It's cheese in the shape of a question mark.
It's anything you want it to be.
You try.
Come on! I don't know what to do.
I can't make it into anything else.
It's just a pencil, you old git! Yes! You found the truth! You're an actor now, and I'm as hard as the cobra.
Mighty cobra.
OK, Howard.
This is your audience.
Give them a little blast of Hamlet, dear boy.
Go on, Howard.
Show them what you're made of.
Use the skills I've taught you.
Howard? Oh, dear.
This is the worst case of chokes I've ever laid my eyes on.
Oh, there's nothing for it.
I'm going to have to take them from you.
Ooh, pain! Pain! - I'm loose.
I'm free.
- Yes.
Monty, you've cured me of the chokes! - They're in me now, boy.
Run! Run free! - OK.
And stick a French banger of acting up Sammy's arse, the little pink shit.
- Thank you.
- Go, boy.
- One last question.
- Yes? What was the part that Sammy beat you to? It was the part of a crab.
Obviously he had a physical advantage, but you should've seen my crab.
Look at it.
Have you ever seen a crab like it? Fucking marvellous.
Ow! Oh! I shouldn't have done that.
Oh! Heart attack.
I will get into those drainpipes.
I will.
Howard Moon, actor, at your service.
Where do you want me? First or second half? - There's a problem with the bill.
- Is there? - You're not on it.
- This is a joke you're playing on me.
Last time I saw you, you were like this, then you disappeared.
Where were you? What? I was involved in an acting montage.
- How am I supposed to know that? - Thank you.
Vincey! My little beauty boy! Are you ready? Hey, Moon.
Who are you? Zorro on gay night? - Nice comeback.
Hey, let's go.
- Let's do it.
I've got my drainpipes.
Let's go.
Wait! You can't walk.
It's a good five minutes and you've got to lose the weight.
- Ride me like a blue horse.
- OK.
I'm sorry, Howard.
You can go on the bill next week if you want.
Jurgen's here tonight and tonight only.
I've missed my chance.
Zip it, Zorro.
Vince has a lot of things to do tonight.
He's gotta sing and wear pants.
He doesn't need you bumming him out.
Now, giddy-up.
- See you.
- Yeah! Whoa, Vince, ride me! Yeah, well, your suit's really tight.
It makes you look stupid.
Ha! Deal with that! Ah, that's told him.
What? That was a good comeback.
Please welcome the Mayor of Camden, Vince Noir.
You've heard of Oxford Circus.
You've heard of Piccadilly Circus.
Well, tonight I present you Vince Noir's Electro Circus.
Let me introduce you to the opening act.
This guy used to be a tennis umpire, but he's given that up now to pursue his dream of becoming a folk legend.
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together and welcome onto the stage the Umpire of Folk! I tied her in my twisted beard We walked among the standing stones The light was fading on our match So we stopped for lemon barley drinks Ten-minute call for the Blue McEnroe group.
This is your ten-minute call.
Watch your step.
Hey, goofballs, you're on in ten, OK? Big-time avant-garde director coming through.
- Here's Sammy's dressing room.
- Thanks.
Hey, I hear you're casting for your new acting project.
You know, I used to act.
I'm a big actor.
Look.
You have absolutely nothing.
You repulse me.
Ah.
- Oh, it's you.
- Samuel.
It is good to see you at last.
- You're looking well.
- Mm.
I've been working out.
I just wanted to say to you, Sammy, that what is in the past is in the past.
Really? The reason I sacked you, Sammy, was because of the drinking.
- Yeah, I was drinking a little bit.
- I had to do it.
You assaulted me.
You burned down my house.
You pulled of one of my wife's ears and posted it to me.
It is not funny.
- It's quite funny.
I just wanted to say that I am glad you are clean.
- I will be watching tonight.
- Whoopee.
- I want to talk to you about my latest project.
- Bye.
Fucking tit.
Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to present to you Naboo the Enigma and his beautiful assistant Bollo with magic from around the world.
- Where's it from this week, Naboo? - Egypt.
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Naboo the Enigma.
- Bollo.
- Mm? - Don't milk it.
- Sorry.
- Are you guys all right? - Yeah.
- You don't mind sharing with Sammy? - Not a problem.
- How's he been? Is he all right? - Oh, he's fine.
- I think he's just making a call.
- Fucking Goths everywhere.
Hey, if Sammy's looking a bit sluggish, pop a couple of Berocca into his tank, will you? Oi, Scissorhands.
- Get us a beer, will you? I'm gasping.
- I think Sammy needs something stronger.
Are you fucking getting it, you dickhead? Oh.
Oh, the taste.
Ah! Sword of terror number one, please.
Number two.
And the final sword, please, Bollo.
- They were the fake swords, Bollo? - What fake swords? Sammy's going mental.
Let's get out of here.
Come on.
I'll have the lot of you.
Vincey, we are in some deep diarrhoea.
Sammy the Crab just went to nutball village! - Don't panic.
Just put the Blue McEnroes on.
- Well, I would, but Sammy killed 'em all! They're the Red McEnroes now.
Listen, the crowd is baying for an actor.
Do you know anybody? I might know someone.
- Hello? Howard Moon.
- Hey, it's Vince.
Sammy's gone mad.
He's mutilated everyone.
We need an actor.
Can you come down? To the theatre! Sammy! Sammy! Sammy! Sammy! Sammy! Sammy! Sammy! Sammy! Howardl Howardl Howard, you can do it, dear boy.
You know you can.
You're a great actor.
Think of the pencil, Howard.
Think of the pencil.
Ohhhhhhhhhh! No! No! No! No! Aargh! Ha! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! Bravo! Bravo! So much rage! So much anger! It was at this moment that I realised I had found the man for my next project.
He was the one.
- What's going on? - Bollo's helping me put my trousers on.
Oh, right.
I just want to say I'm leaving.
Jurgen's ofered me the part in his project.
I won't be coming back.
Are you gonna be OK? I'll be fine.
I'm not going back to the shop.
Once I get these on, I'm going all the way with The Black Tubes.
- OK.
I'll send you a postcard.
- I'll send you a postcard.
See you later, losers.
Come on, Bollo.
We're almost there.
Come on.
One more.
We're almost in.
We've done it.
Oh, my God.
- What? What's wrong? - Uh nothing.
All right.
Without further ado, let's welcome to the stage Vince Noir and The Black Tubes.
Unbelievable.
His legs aren't even that thin.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here? - I thought you'd gone of to see Jurgen.
- What can I say? Jurgen ofered me money, fame, international art-house acclaim, but I thought, "Do I need this?" And I realised I've got everything I need right here.
What would you do without me? I'm irreplaceable.
- Adam.
- Yeah? - He came back.
You're fired.
- Hm.
Hello.
I'm Jurgen Haabemaaster.
- Yeah.
Let's have the TV of, shall we? - Easy.
Hang on a sec.
When I'm making my avant-garde films, I can often suffer from the pain of trapped wind.
It can be very uncomfortable, like having an angry crab scuttle from side to side in my tummy space.
Aarghl I am the angry crab of trapped windl Oohl Aarghl Oohl Oh, my sweet Lord.
Are you the new face of trapped wind? Nice work, Howard.
Blast away the pain of trapped wind with these.
Windy Blast Fast.
One, two, three, four.
I'm Sammy the Crab, I'm Sammy the Crab I'm Sammy, I'm Sammy the Crab, I'm Sammy the Crab I'm Sammy, I'm Sammy the Crab, I'm Sammy, Sammy the Crab One, two, three, four, I'm Sammy I'm Sammy the Crab, I'm Sammy the Crab I'm Sammy, I'm Sammy the Crab