The Royals (2015) s03e06 Episode Script

1 Previously on The Royals Might I apologize for telling Your Majesty to shut up? - And for the other demands? - We shall not speak of it.
(ELEANOR) '600 years ago, there was a young queen and she fell for her bodyguard.
They started this epic love affair.
They would write the most romantic love letters and hide them in a hollowed-out book.
' There are a million reasons why we can't do this.
I can think of one big reason why Your blood claim to the throne how do you propose we deal with that? Cyrus has agreed to a Privy Council.
How on earth did you get him to agree to that? I made him think it was his idea.
'Love, Eleanor.
PS yes, I said love and I meant it.
Tomorrow is Christmas, my favorite day of the year and you're the gift I've wished for all my life.
' Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? In the lane snow is glistening A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight Walking in a winter wonderland Gone away is the bluebird Here to stay is the new bird He sings a love song as we go along Walking in a winter wonderland In the meadow we can build a snowman And pretend that he is Parson Brown He'll say, "Are you married?" We'll say, "No, man! But you can do the job when you're in town" Later on, we'll conspire As we dream by the fire To face unafraid the plans that we've made Walking in a winter wonderland A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight Walking in a winter wonderland Walking in a winter wonderland Walking in a winter Wonderland! 'PS I said love and I meant it.
It's Christmas Eve and I'm so happy.
' Ho, ho, ho! - Hell of a run.
- Hey.
Didn't see you there.
Little excessive for Christmas Eve, isn't it? Are you running towards or away from something? Just running.
Merry Christmas.
Don't Americans prefer "Happy holidays"? Full disclosure.
I've dedicated a few resources to your back story.
It turns out your parents were charlatans.
"Are" charlatans.
- And so are you.
- Was.
It's funny, isn't it, the happy Christmas thing.
Somehow, wishing someone a nice day has become offensive if you don't wish them the exact day they believe in in the exact language they prefer.
Some people are just questioning tradition.
Nothing wrong with tradition, rules.
For instance, I can't help notice that you're in the family gym.
- I cleared that with - Ted Pryce.
I'm happy to join a gym, Your Highness.
The same Ted Pryce that you uncovered.
For that I am indebted to you.
Access to the gym is the least we can do.
But access to your sister is a different matter.
That's one thing I like about Americans they're direct, they cut to the chase.
I'm not very adept about being indirect.
Good.
Nor am I.
Len has good instincts.
I'm sure she's right about you.
I appreciate that.
Thank you.
Jasper.
- Happy holidays.
- Merry Christmas.
Enter! Stupid Christmas comes around, so everyone gets hopped up on eggnog and forgets their station.
Hello.
Queen here! It's a goddamned zombie apocalypse.
Psst! - Are you alive or undead? - What? - Where the hell is everybody? - I let them go.
You what? It's the first Christmas without Dad.
He always gave the staff the holiday off, so I did, too.
- You can't do that.
- Why? Because we have no idea how to fend for ourselves.
We did fine every other year.
- Ow! - He let the staff go after months of planning.
Every detail was planned in advance.
- What are we going to eat? - Mum.
Do you know how easy it is to fix a turkey these days? You just season it and wait for that thing to pop up.
You think turkeys are born with those pop-up things? - It'll be fine.
- What the hell are you doing in here? I thought I'd set the table with Len, - start a new family tradition.
- And? - Do you know where the stuff is? - The stuff.
You mean like plates? Silverware? Or are we going to eat the pop-up turkey with our hands this year? I just wanted to feel like Dad was with us.
- I'm sorry.
- I wonder if Nobu is open.
Are you alive or undead? It's fine.
Fine? It's a goddamned zombie apocalypse.
- Liam gave the staff the day off.
(OTHERS) Why? Because that's what Simon used to do.
- After weeks of preparation.
- Possibly months.
What on earth are we supposed to do now? Spend Christmas together.
Just us, and we'll do it ourselves.
- Sounds horrible.
- But not impossible.
- Who's with me? - Oh, I need a drink.
- Definitely a drink.
- Make it two.
Right.
Come on, let's get started.
Great.
Liam ruins Christmas.
Good thing big brother's back to clean up your mess.
Again.
(Knock on door) Naughty or nice? - Ooh, both.
Hi.
- Hey.
What you got there? Oh, just presents from people.
Dignitaries and poshy suck-ups.
I don't really know most of them.
Hm.
So Robert knows about my history.
Oh.
I just thought I'd let you know, in case it came up.
- How did that go? - He seemed more concerned that I was using the family gym.
He likes his rules.
Hey.
Have I told you how happy I am that you're spending Christmas with me? Yeah, about that, I um I figured I'm just going to lay low today.
It's important for your family to spend time together considering it's the first Christmas without your father.
- Oh, okay.
Are you sure? - Yeah.
Yeah, I think it's for the best and I'm gonna find you at the end of the night.
You'd better, because you have to unwrap your present.
And by present, I meanme.
Mm.
Hmm.
Will your family miss you at all? I know I will.
No.
They won't miss me and I certainly won't miss them.
- You won't even call them? - No.
I'd give anything to hear my father's voice.
Yeah.
But your father didn't dress you up as an elf and make you ring a bell to steal Salvation Army money.
He's still your father.
And I bet you were the cutest little elf.
- Code red.
- For Santa Claus? No, code red for disaster.
The necklace we picked out for Eleanor was a bad idea.
- She has so much jewelry already.
- Of course she does.
- She's a princess.
- Alright.
So why didn't stripey pants the elf tell me that - when we picked it out? - You never asked me.
Why don't you just make her something else instead? - Like what? - A story book.
All princesses have stories about them.
That's actually not bad.
Tell me more.
But whatever you say next is my idea.
We could make up a story and draw the pictures and at the end you can put your present in it so it's like a Happily Ever After necklace.
I bet she doesn't have one of those yet.
Or you could draw her face and give her a beard with macaroni.
No, I like the first idea.
- You're a genius.
- I know.
(Sighs) You're not actually thinking about cooking that thing? Mr.
Hoenigsberg, what brings you round on Christmas Eve? The King's Midnight Christmas Address.
I just wanted to make sure everything's in order.
Order doesn't seem to be in great supply here today.
Yeah, I heard.
- What can I help you with? - You underestimate me.
I'm the Queen.
What makes you think I can't whip up a magnificent figgy pudding? You do realize figgy pudding is prepared a year in advance? No, I didn't realize that.
The good news is there's bound to be a figgy pudding hiding somewhere and the better news is I do make a very succulent turkey.
Then, unfortunately, it seems we simply can't manage without you.
Cheers.
That'sa lot of stuff.
Maybe there's a picture of our table online.
What part of this family made you think that we could manage on our own? - No part whatsoever.
- (Sighs) Dad would've done the same thing.
I got Jasper the best Christmas gift.
An original letter from Catherine of Valois to Owen Tudor.
Can you believe that? One of their original love letters.
God, I cannot wait to give it to him.
- I'm glad you're happy.
- Well, I'm un-glad that you're not.
What's going on? (Clears throat) I met a girl.
Hm It's always a girl.
She was seeing someone, then stopped seeing him, and now she's seeing him again.
- Bitch sounds bootless.
- She's not.
So, she was seeing someone, then she's seeing you, and now she's seeing him again? She thought he was dead.
So did I.
- You're dating Robby's ex? - I was.
Before you think less of her, she is extraordinary.
- She sounds like it! - She's incredibly giving.
Giving it to both my brothers.
Len.
She lost him, too.
Just like we did.
She went through that darkness.
Just like we did.
When Robert came back, we ended it.
He doesn't know about it, there's no reason he should.
Please if you haven't got me anything for Christmas yet, I'm going to need a lot more weed.
I'm thankful every day that Robert's home, but I was happy, you know? Yeah.
Maybe paper plates in the red state room? Works for me.
Alright, we got glue, glitter, whatever these things are.
We need that artwork now.
Okay, here you go.
The story is about Alice in the Palace and her caterpillar friend, Frosty.
- Frosty the Caterpillar? - He's a wonderful caterpillar.
He wants to change into a butterfly so the Princess will notice him.
Why? What's wrong with being a caterpillar? That's what he finds out along the way.
And the Princess loves him, anyway.
Okay, so that's the Princess? - Yeah.
- And that's me? Uh-huh.
Why's my head so big and my legs so short? My daddy's legs are short and he looks pretty good.
(Chuckles) I've got three eyes in this one.
- That's your nose.
- Does the caterpillar have scoliosis? I don't even know what that is.
And how come Alice is in the palace? I thought it's supposed to be a story about Frosty and the Princess.
It is.
But I've always wanted to be in a fairy tale.
Is that okay? Couldn't tell the story without you.
I look like a cockroach in this one.
(Message alert) Spencer? - It's bound to be around here somewhere.
- What is? The figgy pudding.
The palace chef would have prepared it and placed it somewhere cool.
I woke up in a poor mood today.
You've made it better.
You always make my day better, Your Majesty.
Do you want to have sex? When posed by you, the answer to that question is always yes.
This is so much better than Christmas at home.
Shut up.
You shut up.
Shut your sexy damn regal mouth.
- Oh! - Oh, shit! - Are you okay? - It's fine, don't stop.
No, let me see.
Under penalty of treason, don't you dare stop.
Yes, Ma'am.
Oh.
Look, we found the figgy pudding.
- How does it look? - Amazing! What do you think? Looks damned delicious from here.
Is that right? - Oh, my God.
- What? You've got a black eye.
What? (Gasps) Good Lord! Thank goodness I'm not giving the Christmas address tonight.
(Knocks) You should take it easy, dear Uncle.
- You have a speech to make.
- You feign concern.
I'm lucky you haven't roofied my drinks so you can swoop in and make a bid for the crown.
Not my style.
I plan to wage a fair and decent campaign.
Saying that, I did get you a little something.
You should probably open it before we join the others.
Hm.
Wine.
A little boring.
I hope you kept the receipt.
I'm afraid it can't be returned.
You see, this wine bears an inscription on its back.
"Drink with me and we shall never thirst.
" It seems all the candidates for the Privy Council, the very committee that will decide which one of us shall next be King, received this very gift from the King himself.
It's Christmas, Robert.
'Tis the season to give.
Be careful, Uncle.
I'd be wary about alienating the new guard with old tricks.
It could work against you.
I like you, Robert.
I always have.
But you'd be unwise to play a game of chess with me.
- Remember that.
- I played chess with my father.
You'd be wise to remember that.
(Christmas music in background) So, you want to tell me what the text is about or do I guess? I'm a journalist, Mr.
Frost.
I'm working on a story about HRH Princess Eleanor and the relationship she's having with her bodyguard.
- Care to comment? - You think writing a story about the Princess in a relationship is ground-breaking? Good luck with that.
I think it's ground-breaking if her bodyguard is secretly American, tried to steal the Koh-i-Noor and comes from a long line of thieves and liars.
Sit down, handsome.
Have a drink, it's Christmas.
Besides, you never know there may be a way out of this.
I found our board game.
Crowned! Nobody wants to play that damned thing.
You just hate it because your piece looks like Margaret Thatcher.
- Dad loved this game.
- Only because he always won.
Here's Mum .
.
Dad Margaret Thatcher, Robby me Oh, Liam, your piece is missing.
I'm surprised they even bothered to make one.
Too insignificant.
- We could play Simon Says instead.
- Good idea! Simon says, "I got killed by Ted Pryce.
" Lose a turn.
Why would you say something like that? Is the missing piece going to strike a cancer victim on Christmas? Very possibly.
Come on, Uncle.
Perhaps a refresher course in Christmas etiquette.
And perhaps a refresher course, Liam, in mattering, #Yesterdaysnews.
Come on, Uncle.
So, Harper Is that your real name? Possibly.
Alright, well, possibly, Harper, I'm going to give you the opportunity to walk away right now.
Or? Or the alternative isn't very Christmassy.
Well, Mr.
Frost .
.
I have you, I have the Princess and I have a gentleman who's more than happy to fill in all the delicious, sordid blanks.
Fine.
So let's say .
.
this story that you have about me is true.
Leave her out of it.
Come after me.
She's in such a good place right now and you dragging her down for your selfish gains, well, it's just tragic.
My story is true.
You are in a relationship.
So let's make one thing clear.
You are the one bringing her down, not me.
It's snowing! I installed a snow machine.
Luckily, Liam didn't cancel it.
I haven't spent many Christmases in the palace.
Over the years, I would use the holiday as an excuse to go home.
At least, that was the official version.
Unofficially, I would spend Christmas night with the man I loved.
Not Simon.
I'm telling you this to put my earlier behavior into context.
You don't owe me that.
I'm here for whatever Your Majesty needs.
Any version.
There's a red button on the desk in the library.
The King presses it and the Christmas address goes live.
I'll leave Your Majesty to enjoy the rest of the holiday with your family.
Spencer, thank you.
- Robert knows about Jasper.
- About him and Mum? - No.
- About him and Mandy? No! About him blackmailing - No! About his past before he got here.
- Oh, right.
Why does it matter if Robert approves of him? - You didn't care what I thought.
- About what? I was going to tell you about Jasper, but you were just back from the dead and it just didn't seem like the right time.
It's a tangled web we weave, Lenny.
- He said he saw you.
- Yeah, this morning in the family gym.
- What's that supposed to mean? - That I saw him in the gym.
- You said "family" gym.
- You did say that.
Fine.
Family gym.
So he's in the family gym and he's seeing Eleanor, neither of which has anything to do with you.
Liam.
If you've a problem with Jasper, just say it.
Right now, I have a problem with you.
You screwed up, let the staff go.
I rally the family, like always.
- Just say thank you, Sparrow.
- Don't call me that.
If you have an issue with your code name, call MI6.
Don't make it seem like I've gone out of my way to remind you that you're not the firstborn son of this family - Sparrow.
- I said Don't call me that.
- What's going on? - What happened to your eye? Oh, that.
I was attacked by a figgy pudding whilst having spontaneous sexual intercourse.
What?! (CYRUS) Ho, ho, ho! Cyrus, you need to sleep it off.
I don't need to do dick, Muhammad Ali.
- You're ruining Christmas.
- Liam already did that.
Ho, ho, ho! Hoholy shit! And to all a good night.
(Groans) - Hey.
- Hi.
I missed you.
Do you want to exchange presents now? I've been dying to give you your gift.
I think you'll really love it.
I didn't get you anything.
Oh, that's okay.
Having you close is enough.
This is for you.
I don't feel comfortable accepting that.
What? - I said I didn't get you anything.
- It's okay, it's Christmas.
I'm just feeling, umsuffocated.
What with the gifts and the letters, and you saying you missed me.
- I didI did miss you.
- Well, I didn't ask you to.
What's going on? Diddid something happen? It was the letter I wrote, wasn't it? I want to stop that, too.
Why? Because I can't be the guy waiting around for letters or writing words that I don't mean.
- Don't say that.
- I don't.
The sex is one thing, but I'm no good at relationships.
- And I can't be in one, not with you.
- Everything was so good.
- Everything was so good for you.
- And it wasn't for you? I'm just trying to be honest.
- I'm sorry.
- It was that letter, wasn't it? It was everything.
Okay.
- I've given you so many chances.
- Well, you shouldn't have.
I'm not worth it.
(Door opens and closes) You did a good job on the turkey, Mum.
Actually, I ruined the turkey.
- Who made this? - I did.
And the stuffing and the bread sauce.
And the Pink Charlene.
The Pink Charlene is divine.
Yeah.
- Eleanor, are you okay? - No.
It's been a long and unexpected day, but in the absence of Dad, I suppose it's incumbent upon me to remind everyone how fortunate we are for the food and for everyone's company.
When I was stranded on that island I would have given anything for this moment with you.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- I wasn't on an island - Liam.
.
.
and I'm not sure it's incumbent upon anyone to remind us of anything in the absence of our father.
Regardless, here's to a happy Christmas and to ushering in a new year where hopefully everyone's a little less full of shit than they are this year, especially my brother.
Here's to Liam for being disgraceful today.
- To Robert blowing me.
- Enough! Would you pass the - Who's giving the address tonight? - I am.
- The hell you are.
- Look who I found.
I'm the King, I'll give the speech.
Robert is giving the Christmas address.
If he does, I'm going to moon the entire United Kingdom on live television.
They might even get a glimpse of my jingle bells.
Bell.
- What's "moon" mean? - Robert is not giving my address.
- Cyrus! - I'll give it.
I don't think that's a good idea.
Why not? Well, A: You assaulted Beck on our balcony appearance and B: You've pretty much been an arsehole all day.
Robert is giving it.
- Full moon this Christmas.
- Shut up! Everyone, shut up about the stupid speech.
Just cancel it.
Do you think that Christmas won't come if we cancel the stupid speech? God.
Look at us.
Your father would be aghast if he could see us.
Well, you better fix it we better fix it.
What's it going to take? Does anyone know what would fix this mess? Ooh! - Yes, Sara Alice? - Presents.
We don't give presents in this family, sweetheart.
What about the secret presents, the ones from Santa Claus? There is no Santa Claus.
- Other than me, I mean.
- Of course there's a Santa Claus.
He already left you some presents.
I'll show you.
What have you got? Is it from Santa? (ELEANOR) No.
They're from Dad.
(NOVO AMOR: Anchor) (ROBERT) Eleanor.
Took the breath from my open mouth Never know how it broke me down "You've given up so much.
All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.
" Shook the best when your love was home Storing up on your summer glow You went in search of It was my favorite perfume when I met your father.
But he was allergic to it, so I had to give it up.
"You're not the untold story.
You're the secret weapon.
" And I hear a storm is coming in My dear, is it all we've ever been? Huh! That son of a bitch.
This is actually for Lucius.
I must've already been .
.
gone.
"Sonyou're stronger than you know.
Keep going the world can't beat you.
" Caught the air in your woven mouth Leave it all, I'll be hearing how you went In search of someone else Taught the hand that taut the bride Both our eyes lock to the tide Dad's boxing gloves.
He'd have wanted you to have these.
- You and Dad were the fighters.
- He gave them to you.
Your tears a sea for me to swim It's his watch.
I loved this watch.
He used to always tell me that our time together as a family was the most important thing in the world.
"The time has come for you to be great.
Because you are.
I'm so proud of you.
Your dad.
" Anchor up to me I'll give the speech.
I'd like to.
It's midnight, it's Christmas.
And here in the palace all is calm and all is bright.
But that doesn't mean that we don't have our share of difficulties and struggles.
- Hey.
- Hey.
II know it's late, um, I just wanted to see you.
Not to pressure you or change your mind.
Just to say letting you go and .
.
and being away from you has been impossible for me.
Liam, we both know that the right thing to do is to walk away from this.
It was, and and it is.
I'm sorry.
I know you have a history with Robert, but you have a future with me.
I want you and I will fight for you.
Unless you tell me to stop.
Are you going to tell me to stop? Yes.
You have to.
If Robert hadn't been taken from us, you and I would never have happened.
And when we lost him, I would have given anything to have him back and I know that you would have, too.
I know it hurts.
Butthis is how .
.
things are supposed to be.
So I've been told.
(Door opens and closes) Christmas is hard sometimes.
Families are hard.
But being alone sometimes is the hardest of all.
It's me.
(BEAR'S DEN: Roses On A Breeze) UmI wanted to call and wish you a Merry Christmas and tell you that I hope it was worth it.
How much did she pay you, Dad? How much did you get? Because .
.
whatever it was it wasn't enough.
You will never know what you just cost me.
You will never know the depth of what I just lost.
I couldn't see it coming, love I always wondered if I was if I was destined to be just like you.
So, thank you for showing me that I'm not.
That is the greatest gift you could ever have given me.
All that fear in my heart I couldn't let you see You didn't wanna know, you didn't wanna know Somewhere deep down you know I still believe That you'll always be, you'll always be The love of my life You'll always be The love of my life Did you give her the present yet? No.
No, not yet.
She gets so many things at Christmas, so I'm going to wait a little bit.
I want to keep it a surprise, okay? So you have to keep it a secret.
I didn't have time to make your present.
I'm sorry.
That's okay.
How about a hug? Didn't notice the diving belt Didn't notice the water Souls begging for air, begging to believe again (ELEANOR) 'We've all been bruised a bit and we've had our hearts broken.
But we are a nation of fighters, so that's what we do.
We get up, we move on, we fight.
' What was written in the obits That we couldn't bear to read I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know 'We face the things that are bigger than us with dignity and with courage.
And we ask for help when we need it.
' Somewhere deep down you know I still believe That you'll always be, you'll always be The love of my life You'll always be The love of my life I want you to have these.
If Dad knew you were still alive, he'd have left them to you.
But he didn't, so enjoy them.
You finally have something that I don't.
The People's Gala's coming up.
I challenge you to spar for charity.
You and me in the ring, three rounds.
You really think you can last that long? I guess we'll find out, won't we? Keep the gloves.
I'll win them back in the fight.
Sparrow, I'm not gonna apologize for being alive.
For coming home.
I say thank you every day for the fact that you're back and alive and well.
- But I won't apologize, either.
- For what? For being the person I've become since you left.
See you in the ring.
'We get up, we move on, we fight.
The time for you to be great is now.
Because you are.
I'm proud of you.
' You'll always be 'Merry Christmas.
' The love of my life