The Wonder Years s03e06 Episode Script

OK - gimme an adjective! Stupid! No - slimey! You already used slimey.
OK, then smelly.
Yeah, smelly this is gonna be a good one.
The best part of having a best friend is knowing someone really understands you.
Paul Pfeiffer and I shared more than Just the laughs and the Oreos.
Great.
Come on Truth or dare? Ummmmm truth.
We shared confidences.
I never really told anybody this, but I kinda like Debbie Ackerman.
Nah no not good enough.
Everybody likes Debbie Ackerman.
OK.
Ummmmm OK, OK - here's one.
Once, when I was nine I snuck up into her attic, and I saw Mrs.
Anderson sunbathing next door.
With her top off No way Oh! I don't believe it! OK, your turn.
OK.
You know that fire alarm that went off Thursday? Fourth period? Uh-hmm.
No way! Yes, way! You're lying.
You don't think I'd do that? Look me in the eye and say you'd do that.
In a lot of ways, Paul knew me better than I knew myself.
And he wouldn't hesitate to remind me if I ever forgot.
I knew it.
It was a tried-and-true relationship.
Alright, come on - let's get some shut-eye.
But like all relationships Paul? Sometimes it got a little stale.
Paul Nana-na-na.
Nana-na-na.
Nana-na-na.
Nana-na-na.
Ding-dong! Nana-na-na.
Nana-na-na.
Zih-zing! Paul? Huh? I'm tryin' to watch.
Do ya mind? Hey - it's a free country! Yeah - but it's my house.
Now I want ya to knock it off! When Paul and I reached a familiar deadlock of stagnation There was generally one agreed-upon solution.
Hey, guys! What's happening? Doug Porter.
He was the most agreeable kid we'd ever met.
Alright! Boardwalk! How much is it? It's four hundred big ones.
Yeah that's pretty expensive, Doug.
You sure you want to buy it? Yeah look how much it costs to put hotels on it.
Well, maybe you're right.
Your turn You got doubles.
Doug's blandness was like buttered toast To an upset stomach.
Vroom, vroom vroom! But, so long as he got to be the car in Monopoly He was happy.
And we were happy in his company.
Errrrk! In small doses.
Doubles, again! Boy - today's my lucky day.
Vroom! Vroom! Vroom! Uh I think that's about it for me, guys.
Huh? But Sorry, guys.
I gotta get home.
Ya know, stuff to do.
Oh, well I'll see ya, Paul.
Yeah.
Seeya later.
You wanna play again? Nah I gotta lot of homework to do.
OK.
Well, um maybe I'll see ya tomorrow.
Yeah, maybe.
Seeya.
Yep.
Three games of Monopoly Was just about the limit with Doug.
After that Paul? You called? Hoops? You're on, sucker! Hah-hah! We never felt wonderful about ditching the guy.
But it was nothing personal.
Doug was just kinda Odd man out.
Whereas Paul and I were in for the long haul.
Until that day when the haul got just a tad too long.
Alright.
Here's the deal.
OK I'll give ya my Marischal And the Tiant For your McCovey, and No, no, no.
McCovey's off the table.
Oh, come on, Paul! Be reasonable! I am being reasonable.
McCovey is off the table! Unless You're willing to think about your Williams.
You can't be serious Willie McCovey for Ted Williams? That's an insult! The McCovey trade.
A common impass.
We'd been through it a hundred times before.
Alright I'll tell ya what You got the Marischal, the Tiant, and I'll throw in Don Schwartz.
Don Schwartz? You've been tryin' To pawn that Don Schwartz off on me for years.
When are ya gonna to give up on the Don Schwartz, already? What's it gonna take, Paul?! McCovey is off the table.
Paul, just bend a little on this one, huh? How about you bend a little? But the fact was That day, I was tired of bending.
I was tired of the endless effort spent hammering out compromise.
What's the matter with you, anyway? Nothing's wrong with me - what's the matter with you? Sometimes you're so weird.
I heard that! What? You called me a weirdo! Alright - fine! I called you a weirdo! Satisfied?! I'm a weirdo I'm a weirdo?! Hey I'm not the one that has cartoon figures On my pillow case! What was this? A slanderous personal attack? What did you say? I said at least I don't have cartoon figures On my pillow case! Yeah? Well, at least I don't have stuffed animals on my bed! Oh, yeah? Well, at least I don't have the hots for Winnie Cooper! OK.
That did it.
That's a lie.
Look me in the eye, and say it's a lie.
I looked him in the eye, alright.
But all I saw was a Knee-jiggling, spaghetti-slurping, gum-cracking twerp.
Course, I'd never say so.
Well, at least I'm not an ugly four-eyed jerk that nobody likes! Total butthead! Loser! Years of suppressed frustration hadfinally reared their ugly head.
Uhhh! Come on in! Now, under normal circumstances A visit to Doug Porter's house would have weighed in Just under The dentist's office.
Mom! Kevin Arnold's here! These, however Were not normal circumstances.
And this was definitely not A normal bedroom.
Mom Hello, Kevin! Oh - hi, Mrs.
Porter.
Doug has told me so much about you, it's about time you came to visit.
Heck - maybe she was right.
It was about time.
Why don't I put these down right here? Can I get you boys something to drink? Sure, Mom Um How about Yoohoo? You like Yoohoo? Well, if it's alright with Whatever you like, Kevin.
Yoohoo sounds great.
Yoohoo it is.
And suddenly, I felt like visiting royalty.
Kev Want a gumball? Yeah.
This was more like it.
What color? Uh how about red? Red's definitely the best.
Here was a guy who would listen to what I had to say.
OK - hold out your hands! A guy who treated me with a little respect.
Here they come! A fella who Appreciated me.
Unlike some ingrates I knew.
What's going on between you and Paul? Why don't you ask him? I did.
He says you've really changed.
What's that supposed to mean? Look - I probably shouldn't get in the middle of this but he says you said some pretty mean stuff.
Alright - so the four-eyes remark was a little over the top.
I was man enough to admit it.
Well, he said some stuff of his own, too, ya know.
All I know is you guys are really good friends.
You shouldn't be fighting.
So, what do you want me to do about it? Just be nice if he's nice.
OK? "Be nice if he's nice"? What was this - Romper Room? Hey, hurry up Still, there it was That old goofy smile.
Aw, heck - if he was willin' to make the first move, well I guess I could leave the porch light on for him.
Hey! Hey, man! Take a seat! God - I thought this day would never end.
Same here.
Brady Ryland? Paul was hanging out with Brady Ryland? Phhh! Talk about desperate.
Ryland was a total Hey, Kev! This seat taken? Loser.
Look at that.
Really pathetic.
Who was Paul trying to fool? He wasn't having fun.
I was having fun.
OK.
Who do you want for your McCovey I don't know Yep - I was hangin' out int the heart of fun central.
How about this one? Doug that's a Don Schwartz.
Great! No.
No.
This is a terrible trade.
Sorry.
There was just one problem.
With Paul, everything had been a struggle.
With Doug I pushed and he fell over.
OK.
Let's forget about trading for right now.
What do you want to do? I don't care um, what do you want to do? Isn't there anything you want to do? W - we could eat some more.
It took about two hours to realize the mission was impossible.
How about some Tiddly-winks? Tiddly-winks? Doug was looking desperate.
Nothing could salvage this relationship.
Short of How about we fly my dad's model airplane? Did he say Airplane? Isn't that cool? Sure, cool.
But foolhardy.
Listen.
I think - But hold on.
What have we here? Old Paul just happens to ride by? On Doug's street? I think not! Well, two can play this game.
Doug, come on.
Let me have a shot at those controls, huh? OK Ya gotta be real careful.
The stick on the left makes it go - Up and down - Alright, alright.
I know, I know Looks like fun, doesn't it? Well, read 'em and weep, Pfeiffer! Tell me who's in the driver's seat, now? Kev! Look out! Holy cow! My dad is gonna kill me.
Uh, it won't be that bad.
No.
You don't know my dad.
His - his eyes bulge out like like boiled eggs, and And his forehead starts sweating and He scratches his neck like he's gonna rip his skin off! Look, Doug? Just concentrate on what you're doing, OK? You're not mad, are you? I wasn't mad.
I was just Tired.
Of Doug Of the whole mess Time to put and end to this.
Time to make a clean break.
Doug? I think that Whoa Oh But speaking of clean breaks Uh, gee - it looks great, Kev.
Thirty-three Ding Dongs Two gallons of Yoohoo And one radio-controlled airplane had brought me to this.
I was a prisoner of guilt.
I can't wait to show it to everybody.
Yeah, sure.
My only consolation was that there wereat least two other Kevin's in our class.
Hey, everybody - Kevin Arnold signed my cast! Doug - Doug No.
Please.
Sorry.
Kevin? Paul has a message for you.
He does? What was this? A little thaw in relations? A possible Break in the impass? Whoa! What happened?! Uh, I fell out of a tree.
I had to wear one like that for two months last year.
The itching drove me nuts.
Tell me about it.
I've lost two plastic forks down there already.
Try a ball-point pen.
Excuse me.
Is there some reason you came over here in the first place? Heh-heh.
Look at him.
Sittin' there, reminiscing about the good times Waiting for me to give him the nod Oh, yeah Paul says he wants his baseball cards back.
He said what? Well I'll see ya guys around.
OK - that ripped it.
Once and for all.
Say, Kev I was thinking I couldn't believe it! The little weasel had sent his lapdog to do his dirty work? The nurse said I should find someone to help me.
You know - do stuff for me around school He couldn't treat me like that.
So, I was wondering if you thought it was a good idea? Yeah - sure.
So this was what it came to.
Stabbed in the back by someone Who used to call himself my - hah - best friend! Great! Then you'll do it? What?! What was this guy talking about? Well, you know, um carry my books.
.
help put on my jacket.
- And Maybe you could even help me with my homework / - Doug! Was he nuts?! Help him with his homework?! Hadn't I been humiliated enough? Who'd he think I was, anyway? Well, you are my best friend.
Aren't you? Look! Number one - I'm not your best friend, OK?! And number two Carry your own stupid books! Kev! There.
That felt better.
Much better.
That night I had a dream.
More like a nightmare.
You want Milk Duds? You want Yoohoo? You want donuts? How about Sno-balls? How about Twinkies? If I give you Twinkies, will you be my best friend? Doug? Ah Kev! Doug? Kev help! Doug! Doug! I felt awful.
What had I done? He did kinda look up to me.
And the truth is, I had acted, well badly.
There was only one right thing to do.
Oh, hi, Kevin! Is Doug around? I'm sorry He - he can't come to the door right now.
Is there something you wanted? Well, uh I could tell by her look That I had all but crushed him.
The least I could do was show some class.
It's a Don Schwartz.
He likes Don Schwartz.
I'll make sure he gets it.
Well, there ya had it.
Poor Doug - I'd let him down.
I could almost see him alone in his room trying to figure out what he'd done wrong.
Lamenting his fate.
Or, having the time of his life with Brady Ryland.
As I stood outside that window, I watched The easy give-and-take of two new friends.
And I realized something.
Doug Porter was no longer the odd man out.
It was me.
But I guess in a way we're all odd men out.
Until we find a match that makes us even.
Someone who challenges us to be our best.
Someone who understands us.
Even at our worst.
I was beginning to appreciate how rare a thing that was.
Hey.
I wanted to tell him I was a better person for knowing him.
That I hoped our friendship would endure the trials of a lifetime.
Well seeya.
Yeah.
Seeya.
But I knew he understood.
I was thinking about that McCovey trade.
Yeah? Well, maybe I could do it for the Marischal and the Tiant.
Paul? Come on - it's a bad trade.
Well, come on, Kevin.
I really think I want that Tiant - I mean, I've wanted it for a long time.
For McCovey? Come on Come on - don't be such a jerk about it.
I want to make a trade.
I can't do it, Paul - it's stupid.
Oh, so now you're calling me stupid? ÇϺñ ÀÚ¸· µ¿È£È¸ iamy1004 McCovey is off the table.