Trollied (2011) s03e06 Episode Script

Valco.
Serves you right.
I'm quite nervous.
You won't beat our prices.
Can she stop that now? Fish and ticks.
Red-hot deals.
Offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
Loads of 2-for-1s.
Boom! Fresh produce.
Delivered daily.
Am I getting paid for this? Don't forget the Valco tick.
Oh, Valco tick.
That way.
Serves you right.
Valco! Serves you right.
Valco! Serves you right! Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Now, most stores would close during a refit, but you know what I said to HQ? I said that you guys would want to be here to see the birth of your Breakout Zone.
Er, the memo I have here says that it's going to be a coffee shop.
It's not a coffee shop.
A Breakout Zone is a neutral space.
Somewhere shoppers can escape, you know, breathe, suck down the cappuccino.
Now, those without an imagination might call it a coffee shop.
But the Breakout Zone is beyond that, isn't it? I've never read a memo, Gav.
Never written one.
Don't see the point.
If you want me, drop me an SMS.
Beep.
Now I can hear you all thinking, "How do I become Valco Better, Rich?" Oh, my God! How are you hearing my thoughts? Well, all will be revealed in a special Valco Better workshop.
Yeah! So would the following Valconites get ready for some hardcore fun? Pow! Leighton! Yeah! How are you doing that?! I was thinking about having more some fun and then you said it and that was amazing Lisa! Boom! Margaret Dave Yes! Get in.
Sue Me?! Why's he chose them? I think we might call it "the slow stream".
.
.
and Gavin! What?! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Sorry to be a bad news bear but the rest of you will need to work twice as hard as this will short-staff us for the day.
Sorry, my bad! Now go.
Run free! Enjoy, my puppies! And there is your receipt.
Katie! You coming tonight? Sent you a text about my birthday drinks.
Oh, yeah, happy birthday.
Many happy returns! My birthday last week, actually.
So are you coming or what? Oh, I'd love to, but I've got this paper that I need to hand in to uni so Oh, come on, it'll be mental.
My mates have a got a competition going - who can shag the oldest bloke.
That is mental.
Sounds very jolly.
And when you say old, what sort of age are we talking? You know, roughly? So how's it going with Oh, Jesus Zumba guy? Did you, er, see him last night? Oh, yeah.
He's dead sweet.
You, er, done the business yet? Oi, mind your own beeswax.
Oh, come on, I haven't had it in over a year.
I need to hear something mucky.
I'm gasping.
You want to hear about my sex life for your own perverted kicks? Yeah.
Well, he's strong but gentle, you know? That's lovely And then sometimes, he'll put like candles out and give me like a nice massage And then he goes straight down there, you know, for ages.
And he doesn't even come up for air until my legs have gone and I'm like, "Ahhhhhh!" So easy! Oh, you should have seen your face.
Oh.
Good morning! Hello! All right, love.
Excuse me! My name is Julie and I am the dep I'm the manager of this store today.
Now, I expect you to work quietly and efficiently and not to do that thing where you sit on the loo with a newspaper for an hour and then knock off at four.
Now, have you got any questions? Miss, Miss! Erm, where's yer bog and do you sell newspapers? Yes! Aeroplane! Oh, it's an aeroplane! Oh, I've got something for you.
Ah, you remembered.
Yeah.
Da-da! My contraceptive pills? Me nan found them.
She thought they were her heart pills.
She's necked half of them.
It's a good job she's not trying for a baby.
So that's what you're giving me for my birthday? It's your birthday?! No.
No, no, this isn't your present, obviously.
No, your present's coming.
Really? Cos it looked like you forgot.
No.
I was just saying to Leighton, wasn't I, about her birthday? Wasn't I? Er, yeah.
Well, you can give me it tonight.
And my present.
She's going to rip me bollocks off.
Leighton, you're going on this workshop, right? Yeah.
Find out what she wants for her birthday.
OK.
Will do.
Um, but I've got a feeling it's a present.
I love watching a master at work.
You're like Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Who? You know, Obi-Wan Kenobi.
You know.
You don't know who Obi-Wan Kenobi is? Star Wars? Never seen it.
What? You've never seen Sta Course you have! Everyone has.
Not me.
But Darth Vader? Yoda? Who do you think the little bloke on the phone ad is? Some sort of goblin? What?! What films have you seen, then? What's your favourite? Ah, is there one called .
.
Legally Blonde.
I only saw half of it.
I didn't like it.
So, guys What is "Valco Better"? That was actually rhetorical, but go on.
Um, is it if Valco made your home so you could still be in Valco after you finish work? So what is "Valco Better"? Well, let's start by saying hi to our toes.
Let's all stand, take off your shoes, let's wiggle your feet about, really stretch them.
Yeah.
Sniff that.
Oh! We're simply opening our spheres of perception.
I think I could open them with my shoes on.
Come on, Gavisto.
Just get 'em off! Come on, everyone laugh.
That's it! Come on, Gav, let go of your inhibitions, yeah? I really don't need to laugh.
Yes, you do.
Come on, it's easy.
Try loosening your genitals.
Who's responsible for this mess?! You what, love? Cordon it off before a customer falls over it! It's deeply irresponsible, having this huge cable exposed.
Hey, Mike! Lady says she doesn't like you exposing your huge cable! And what are these exactly? They're nuts.
Well, clear those away, too.
She's having a go at your nuts now! I'm just saying leaving them out like this could've nearly killed me.
You nearly killed her with your nuts! Is there anything else, love? No.
That's all.
I just like to keep a tidy area.
Colin.
Colin, Colin I understand your good lady Lisa is out on the town this evening with her friends Yeah.
Attractive bunch, are they? No.
Neville, Lisa's mates are rough.
They're well rough.
Oh, right, I rather like a feisty gal Oh, Neville, are you trying to get your end away with Lisa's mates? No, no.
Actually, do you think that might be a possibility? Neville, have you been invited to this thing tonight? Ah, yes, that is the other problem.
Oh, yeah.
Well, never mind.
No.
I'll get that, my friend.
You can shout me a White Russian later.
By which I'm referring to the cocktail.
It's not a racist plan to hire a prostitute.
So OK, listen up, people.
What I'm about to show you is going to take Valco as we know it, and literally - pow! - explode its face off! Wank? It's pronounced "once".
Because if you follow this procedure just once, you will have a Valco shopper for life.
And we want lifers in this store.
Yeah, it says "wank", though.
That's not how you spell "wank".
Yeah, it is.
Look, the point is, it's an acronym.
W-A-A-N-C stands for the five pillars of Valco Better - W - Welcome the customer.
A - Ask about them, who they are, why they've come to Valco.
To shop, probably.
Another A for Advise - which products might suit them? Probably the ones they came to buy.
N for New - which new products can we introduce them to? And finally C - a Congratulations! Let's congratulate them on shopping here at Valco! Yes? Um, er, sorry, er, can I just ask Erm, do you want us WAAN .
.
C-ing" every customer that comes in, Richard? "Onceing.
" Every single one.
You, my friends, are all WAANCers! This is a fact-finding exercise, OK? So, quick as you can, let's get to the essence of your customer.
Remember, A is for Ask! Where do you live, Lisa? Warrington.
Oh.
And have you had to come far this morning? No, I live in Warrington.
Hmm.
And what would you like for your birthday? You what? If a If a person you knew wanted to get you a present, what would that person get you? Do you fancy me or something, Leighton? Ooh, no.
Is that why you want to get me a present? No.
Is it cos you love me? Do I make your willy hard, Leighton? Er.
No.
No.
No! It's Colin! Colin asked me to ask you what you wanted for your birthday because he hasn't got you anything.
I wish I hadn't! Oh, typical.
What a twat! I've given it away, haven't I? Just tell that worthless bell end he'd better get me summat expensive or I'll castrate him.
What the hell are you playing at?! What? Turn that off! Yes, love? Tidy this up.
We're getting complaints.
Keep your knickers on.
We can't move it till we're finished.
You'd better finish in the next half-hour or else.
Listen, the longer you hold us up, the longer this is going to take.
Off you go, shoo.
Shoo.
Go on.
So how else might we welcome someone to Valco, besides saying, "Hello"? Hmm? Answer - tzz! Touch.
Touch is a bond, guys.
It links us all, our molecules combining.
You touch someone, you're a part of them for ever.
Watch.
Hey.
Welcome to Valco.
My name's Richard.
Tzz! Oh, yes, please Oh, sorry, I don't why I just said that.
It's OK, darling.
It's OK.
So go on, G-dog.
Let's see you give Margaret a real Valco embrace.
Just dive in, buddy.
It's not appropriate Just touch her according to the Valco handbook.
I deleted that from my Kindle.
It's not available in digital format.
I'm going to need you to do this, got it all storyboarded up here.
It's all right, you can touch me.
I don't mind.
I'm very open.
I just don't think that we should Maybe some music would help.
My Alan finds the Test match theme very relaxing.
Oh, hang on.
Welcome to Valco, Margaret.
Ooh! Oh, I'm sorry, Gavin.
Oh, I shouldn't laugh.
I shouldn't laugh.
All right, Gav? Julie? What crazy mission are you on now? They're going out of their way to piss me off! I'll show them where they can shove their bloody cable! Don't tell me that Julie cannot make a man do what she wants? Well, no, it's not that Because women are born with that power.
Watch.
It works with any man.
'Ey, builder boys! Stop making such a bloody mess, huh? And get this area cordoned off before I use your dicks to do it! Yes, love.
Yeah.
We're on it.
Come on lads, erm, let's clear all this.
Sorry.
Get those sorted.
Get that cable.
Where are we going to put it? Look, Julie.
All it takes So now we've come to the C at the end of our group WAANC.
So let's all stand, and give the person next to us a big old Valco bear hug and say it - congratulations! Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Well done.
Congratulations.
Gavin, you going to join with the hugging? No, I'm not.
May I ask why? Because hugging is a form of inappropriate contact forbidden by the Valco handbook.
And I believe in that handbook and everything that it stands for.
Right-click that thought, Gav.
Right-click it, open the dropdown menu and send that baby to the trash.
I genuinely have no idea what you've just said.
Everyone, sit down.
Everyone, stand up.
I said, "Sit down.
" And I said, "Stand up.
" Sit down! But you're standing now.
Oh, just forget it! Just forget it! Why don't you I really couldn't give a f f fart! Let's hug it out, come on.
Well done, everyone.
Come on.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Colin.
Colin Leighton! Ah.
All right.
All right.
So, did you find out? Yeah.
It wasn't easy, though.
She's a bit scary, isn't she? She's terrifying.
What did she say? Oh, right, well, she said that she lives in Warrington and then she got really cross, and then she said she wants you to buy her something expensive.
Expensive? Hmm.
How expensive? I don't know.
The most expensive thing I bought was a kite but I don't think you should buy that.
Oh, pissing hell.
Expensive? Leighton, what have I got to buy her?! I don't know, I don't know, I don't know Also, whatever she says, I do not love her and she does not give me a stiffy! I am so You what? Expensive Something bad's about to happen.
There's a new directive from head office.
We have to hug.
No.
I'm not hugging you.
You've got to.
Go away.
You don't have a choice.
Give in to the hug.
No.
Please.
Oh, God.
Oh, can you feel that? All our molecules are mushed up together.
It's horrible.
I love your beard.
Ah.
Not that.
Not that.
Not that.
Not that.
Erm Spirits, eh? Nothing like cosying up with a bottle of rum of an evening.
No, I've got to get something expensive for Lisa's birthday, Neville.
I once surprised my girlfriend on her birthday with a ring.
A ring? Yes.
We were having a flaming row.
Well, she was.
The next thing, that rather angry girlfriend became my rather angry wife.
Doesn't get much more romantic than that! So, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You proposed to her? That'll get me out of it That's easy.
Nice one, Neville.
Yes! Of course, she pretty much destroyed my life after that.
Yes.
Really tore it apart.
Ah, yes, er, Martin.
Er, it's Gavin Strong here, er, Warrington.
Look, I just felt that you should know that Richard France It's just not not working out, Martin.
He's had us laughing in our socks.
And there's been some highly irregular touching Ah, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Oh, yes! There she is, you little beauty.
Oh, erm, sorry, yes, I got distracted So, well, listen, that's all for now and, erm, good to talk.
Oh, yeah, you're not there.
Goodbye.
Don't think you're getting any of that.
Not after forgetting me birthday.
That's all right.
I already knocked one out, so I got nothing left.
But I got something for you.
Oh, yeah? What is it? A bottle of Jager? You cheap sod.
No.
It's this.
What's that? What's it look like, you idiot? Are you proposing to me? I'm not going to get down on bended knee.
I had a piss here before so Have you gone mental? Come on, you cow.
How much did this cost? Fucking loads.
All right, then.
I'll marry you.
Yeah? Yeah.
Why not? All right! Ooh, I think I've got something left in the reserve tank there.
Oh, happy times.
Good stuff.
How you doing? All right? Jules, A1 work getting those tool monkeys in line today.
I heard they were a bit of a 'mare.
Well.
I Gosh, thanks, Richard.
Right, I'm off to twist Gav's melons.
See you in a bit.
About what you just heard I thought it would be simpler if I just If you took the credit? Hmm? But of course.
I rejoice in your career.
Oh, thanks, Anna.
And you will come to Lisa's birthday party with me? Oh, why the bloody hell not? Yes! I can't wait to see you wind that junk in your trunk.
Tzz! Tzz! Look, Gavster, I'm going to open the kimono here.
What? Retraining can be a right sod when you're stuck in a rut, but you drink the Kool-Aid and you get traction.
Actually I think I can get traction by just doing my job.
It was mayhem on the floor today.
Oh, come on, Gaveroonie! This place won't collapse if you're not around for a few hours.
Just take your foot off the gas, dude, yeah? Vrr! Oh, yes, all right, yes, maybe.
You see? We've reached an understanding.
A bond.
Tzz! Tzz! Bond.
Tzz! Tzz! Pow! And if you've got something to say, just say it to me.
Don't go crying to Martin Shell like a little bitch.
See you tomorrow.
com.
Looks nice, you.
You little Aargh! Katie.
Yeah.
Is there an airport nearby or is that my heart taking off? Sorry, what? Too creaky? I thought I'd tag along for the birthday celebrations.
Oh, sorry.
I'm not going.
Right.
Do you happen to know where they are at all? No, I don't, sorry.
Right.
So, well, not to worry I'll probably just head into the city centre wander about a bit.
I'm sure I'll bump into them in one of the bars, clubs, pubs.
See you, Nev.
Wonder which city it is?