Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s03e06 Episode Script

1 (LIGHT, CHEERY MUSIC) Xan! Xan! - Ah! - How awesome is this place? Even though they don't have recess.
Which is fine.
It's fine.
Recess is for babies.
How are you cooler than me here? Yo, Kimmy, you killed it today at practice.
I know.
Poor little guy swam right into my oar.
Hey, guys.
Kimmy.
Zoon.
Xan.
Or Zoon.
I'm Zoon now.
You coming to my day-after-Valentine's party tonight? - Uh, for sure.
- Jeez, I'm glad we're finally celebrating Valentine's Day.
I barely ate any chocolate yesterday.
(GROANING LOUDLY) Titus, I don't feel good! (TITUS) Girl, you know I'm asleep! No, Kimmy.
This party is a rejection of Valentine's Day 'cause it's so regressive.
I know.
Regressive meaning it gresses again, like, over and over.
Enough with the gressing already.
Um We're tapping the keg at nine, with the keg's consent, of course.
He is so woke.
The only microaggression was when he called us "guys.
" Austin is having a party.
Yeah, I guess if Kimmy wants to go to the party, I'll come with, 'cause Kimmy and I are friends.
My first college party.
I'm gonna go to town on some hot D.
Desserts! (PERRY) Kimmy? (KIMMY) Perry! Finally.
I keep thinking I see you from behind, but it always turns out to be a Josh Goldberg.
I go here now.
Surprised? Very because two weeks ago, you were applying to community college and wanted to be a crossing guard.
Do you want to get coffee sometime? I don't, 'cause coffee makes me, like, pew-pew-pew-pew-pew! Womp-womp-womp-womp! But I'd like to hang out.
Ah, I'm sorry.
I'm swamped.
I got a full course load, and I'm, like, working two jobs.
Why? Just get one of those full scholarships like they gave me.
Wow.
(SCOFFS) Okay, um, see you around.
Took me years to get here.
This white girl can just, like, walk in and sign up? Okay.
That was gender-normative AF.
Just because he doesn't like you, he thinks he can abrogate your sexuality? Wait.
He doesn't like me? Obvs.
But remember what de Beauvoir wrote in Le Deuxieme Sexe? The concept of woman is a myth invented to oppress us.
Man.
You guys are so smart.
Oops.
I just called you guys "guys.
" Sorry.
And can I say "man"? Boy, this is hard.
Now I said "boy.
" Oh, brother.
Help me.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) (BANKSTON) Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
(SINGERS) Damn it (SOFT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) - (JACQUELINE SIGHS) - (CELL PHONE BUZZING) Oh! Duke, what a surprise.
Although it's not the first time you've surprised me, now, is it? (DUKE) Look, that's why I'm calling.
I wanted to apologize for what happened the other day the kiss.
(JACQUELINE) Well, thank you.
I know I have a certain effect on men.
And gorillas.
I can't even go to the zoo anymore.
Look, I don't want things to be awkward between us, so how about next time I'm in town, you let me make it up to you? I insist on it.
Aces! How's tonight? 'Cause I'm in your hallway! Surprise! As an apology gift, I brought some bubbly, strawberries, and body chocolate for the strawberries' bodies.
Do you mind if I light all your candles? (POP MUSIC) I look like a hooker.
They're called sex workers, and they're heroes.
Thank you for your service.
I'm taking "Power, Gender, and Marginalization in Contemporary Yogurt Commercials" this semester.
Seventh-wave feminism is all about owning our sexuality.
If we don't dress like this, what are we saying? That we can't? So this is feminism.
Oof, I didn't know it'd hurt my feet so much.
That's so your butt looks good.
For you.
(CELL PHONE RINGS) Oh.
Jacqueline! Did you know feminism is sexy now? (JACQUELINE) It is? I'm a feminist.
I think we should get to vote.
Why is your voice so echoey? Oh, did you get a parrot? I'm hiding in the bathroom because my brother-in-law is here, and I know he's trying to get me into bed.
(KIMMY) What? Jacqueline, you need to tell him Homey don't play that.
But first, establish "Homey" as one of your many nicknames.
You know, something like, "Can Homey offer you a glass of water?" Then he'll ask, "Are you sometimes called 'Homey'?" Then you'll say Homey can't do that, Kimmy.
I can't just reject him.
The other day, he tried to kiss me.
Homey, no! (JACQUELINE MOANS SOFTLY) (JACQUELINE) Of course, my first instinct was to treat him like that shot girl who thought you were my daughter but he's the chairman of the Redskins now, and he'll be the one representing them at the next owners' meeting.
I can't risk offending him, or I'll never get the name changed.
Duke, we can't do this.
I told you I won't betray Russ.
That's not what your lips said.
I mean, until just now.
(INHALES DEEPLY) (KIMMY) Well, what are you gonna do? It better not be M-E-S-S-I-N-G around.
He's your brother-in-law! Okay, when a man has sex with his brother-in-law, he's a stud, but if a woman does it ugh.
I'm not doing anything, but Duke needs to think I want to.
That's why I need someone here to run interference.
Oh, well, I've got plans tonight.
(LAUGHING) You? Goodness.
No.
First of all, you cannot keep a secret.
I ate a hamburger out of the trash.
And I need someone with experience in psychosexual drama, like that flamboyant boyfriend of yours.
- Titus? He's gay.
- Well, it's not the last time - that's gonna happen to you.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) You okay in there? (WHISPERING) Text me his number.
(STRAINING) Almost done.
(WATER PLOPPING) (SIGHS) I love the day after Valentine's Day.
It's like Christmas in whatever month this is.
Edible underwear? It's fruit-flavored.
You need your vitamin C! (SCOFFS) (CELL PHONE RINGING) Look, I don't know who wrote my number on that overpass, but Oh, hello, Jacqueline.
Yes.
I've been known to dampen a libido or two in my day.
There's a chubby white girl outside crying and trying to pull off her wedding ring! (MEN CLAMORING) Oh, to take down the Redskins.
I overstand.
(CHUCKLES) I'll be there as soon as I figure out my costume.
Oh You know, they're not allowed to call it "Champlain" unless it's actually from Lake Champlain.
Oh.
(GIGGLES) (TITUS WAILING) D'Fwan broke up with me! Oh, no.
It's my gay best friend, Flouncy Magoo.
I'm so upset, I'm not sure that's my name, Jacqueline! Oh, it is, Flouncy.
Oh, D'Fwan! D'Fwhy? D'Fwhere did we go wrong? (BELL JINGLES) Being empowered sure is cold.
Hey, this is what our foremothers fought for.
Josie, FYI, your tits are all the way out.
'Cause I can't feel them.
Foop! Perry works here! So? He doesn't control your narrative.
You do.
Like a Choose Your Own Adventure.
No, Kimmy.
She just means, like, reclaim your power.
You know, like, go show him what he's missing, like your strong, chapped hands.
- Thanks, Zoon.
- (SIGHS) Work here often? (LAUGHS) Hey.
Wow.
Are you, um You walking in a "Give Up the Night" rally or Uh, just prepping for a raging party.
Gonna need some, um, Easter grass and a Columbia onesie.
Ooh, and I gots to have my BlackBerry charger! Ha-ha! Uh-par-tay! Okay.
Um would you like to donate a dollar to help Dartmouth students learn to read? - (WHISPERING) Ghost him.
- (MOUTHS WORD) (WHISPERING) Ghost him.
(MOANS EERILY) Get out of my amusement park.
Are you on drugs? You know, you can't smoke this Easter grass.
I heard that's what broke Terrence Howard.
(KIMMY MOANS EERILY) (BELL JINGLES) (DOOR SLAMS) I just want to watch Beaches and drink rosé and then watch Beaches Two, colon, She's Still Dead.
- I should probably go.
- (TITUS CRYING) I'm sorry I didn't get to apologize properly (TITUS) I'm in such pain! And then 30 minutes later, apologize again.
- (TITUS WAILING) - Ooh.
Of all the days for Flouncy to break up with his underage lover.
(MOUTHING) Really?! But I'm glad we're friends again.
Next time you're in town, just whistle.
You do know how to whistle, don't you, Duke? You just tell the doorman you need a taxi.
(DUKE SIGHS) (JACQUELINE SIGHS) Flouncy Magoo? Titus, I owe you one.
So go ahead and take a dollar out of my purse.
I got to go lie down.
What's going on here, man? I'm Flouncy.
You're not really going through a breakup, are you? Okay, I can explain.
No.
I'm onto you.
You're not gay.
You know what? You explain.
I grabbed the wrong bag, Flouncy.
Chocolates, edible underwear (CHUCKLES) cherry-flavored lube? That's to dip bread in.
(CHUCKLES) Very funny.
You're trying to bang Jacqueline.
Hey, I get it.
It's a classic move.
Pretend you're gay to get close to her, and then you're all, "I've never been with a woman.
Maybe you could show me.
" In the morning, you write "Psych!" on her mirror and never call her again.
We've all done it.
You got me, dude.
(CHUCKLES) (TITUS LAUGHS) My real name is Cork Rockingham.
I've been trying to hit that for years.
All right! Cards on the table, broseph, I'm trying to do the same thing, and you're kind of in my way.
Well, then game on, brotato.
- Game on.
- (CHUCKLING) (KIMMY) Whoa! This is just like SAVED BY THE BELL: The College Years, 'cause Elizabeth Berkley's not here either.
Alcohol tastes good.
I like it.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, I get it! She's doing that to him with her butt.
She's in control.
Call me a feminist, but I think women can handle just as many drinks as men.
Would you consent to dance with me? Sure! Oh, but I don't know this dance like Paige does, so maybe you could lead.
I miss the first kiss With a wish list to seek bliss And I meant this in an instant I'm all grown with no blueprint I know that life change And memories are like a dream (JACQUELINE SIGHS) What are you still doing here, Ti My name is not Flouncy Magoo, like you were about to say.
Duke figured out I was lying.
You're just gonna out yourself? That's a ballsy move there, Cork.
Jacqueline, I'm straight.
- Hmm? - And I'm in love with you.
Also, my name is Cork Rockingham.
You're Cork Rockingham? I mean you're Cork Rockingham? You lied to me! Get out of my house! Um, okay.
No! Wait.
Did you mean what you told me that night at the Foxwoods Casino? You better believe it, baby, baby! Oh, Cork, I'm so confused.
Wow.
I guess you forced my hand.
Look.
I know I said I came here to apologize, but ever since that kiss, I can't stop thinking about you.
You're both crazy.
I'm a married woman.
But if I were to take a lover, you're both exactly my type.
How could I ever choose? Dance for me.
Cork.
I say the highest and hardest glass ceiling is the NFL.
How about, "She's going to Disneyland"? Why do people keep saying "glass ceiling" like it's a bad thing? Clouds! Stars! - Ha! And what if a cat got up there? - (LAUGHS) And sat on it.
(LAUGHS) - You're really funny, Kimmy.
- Yeah.
But before we do this, let's review each other's sexual consent forms.
I'm sorry.
What is this? It's what I'm agreeing to let you do to me.
Oh.
No.
Austin, I like you, but I just met you.
I'm not gonna Oh, come on! Thumbs are for hitchhiking and being Fonzie.
You're rejecting me? You're a bully! Mommy, a girl thinks I'm not special.
I need to take a semester off, maybe in Greece, or an internship at Late Night.
No! You call Mike Shoemaker! Yes, Mommy.
Like, an Ivy League eight.
Okay.
Okay, here she is.
Ma'am? No, I didn't know Austin got extra time on tests.
What does that have to do with Yes, 17 is young to be in college.
You're only 17? You're a baby! (CHATTER AND WAILING) (WOMAN) This is the best night of my life! They're all babies.
(SLURRED) I'm not a baby.
You all seem so smart, but you don't know what the heck you're doing like a monkey in a lab coat or an actor wearing glasses.
I'm taking you home.
You were right, Mommy.
She left with another girl.
You're such a smart mommy.
(GRUNTING) (BREATHING HEAVILY) (GRUNTING) Six.
- Whew! - Oh! Yeah, I played a little football.
I was linebacker at St.
Albans School for Boys and Their Nannies.
Oh, yeah? I was a running back at Carl Lee Hailey High School down in Mississippi.
Really, Cork? You played football? For real.
I was All-State, girl.
I met the governor! RB, huh? Let's see if you can get past the Dukester.
Oh, do it! Kill each other! Oh, no, I'm pretty full of pudding, so That's how we do it in Crab Mansion, Maryland! Oh, no! I hate this.
Oh - (BOTH GRUNTING) - You're hurting me, bro.
- Give up, Cork? - Never! I bet you can't force my legs apart.
(DUKE) Oh, yeah? (GRUNTS) What the hell happened out there? And when did I take off my wedding ring? Sorry, Cork, but you shouldn't have dared me to bite you! (SIGHS) My sexual compass is all a-twirly-girly.
He's not even my type.
But I have not been touched like that since Mikey left.
Ugh, I'm so lonely.
You're lonely? My husband is lying in a hospital bed right now, and I haven't been touched by a man since I left Julian.
- What about Russ? - What about Russ? And Duke is my type.
Rich, mean, knows a lot about watches.
I don't need you here just to keep Duke away from me.
I need you here to keep me away from him.
- So what do we do? - We got to scratch this itch, baby! (BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY) (BOTH MOANING) (BOTH MOANING) - Is that how straight people kiss? - Is that how gay people kiss? This is getting out of hand.
We got to shut it down.
I'm calling the White Widow.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
I overstand.
Uh, put on a Holocaust movie till I get there.
(PERRY) Everyone please stay seated, and, white passengers, for the last time, please do not touch my hair.
- Hi.
- (PERRY) Kimmy! I was worried about you.
When a girl behaves like that at the beginning of a Law & Order episode, it does not end well.
Yeah.
Sorry I was so weird earlier.
That was not me.
These clothes aren't me.
And I've never done drugs in my life.
Like Phylicia Rashad said on that poster in my middle school, "The only drug you need is reading.
" She came to my school once.
She said we were hopeless.
I should never have listened to those girls.
I mean, they're just kids.
Tall kids with big words.
- And they're so confident! - I know! That's why it took me so long to realize they're just doing normal, dumb teenager stuff.
The drinking, the clothes, the all-night French-a-thons.
Thumby-thumby-thumby-thumby.
Oh, she should not be sucking on her thumb.
You know where kids put those these days? Well, we were all teenagers once, right? Wilding out, acting crazy.
Not me.
Me either.
I'm not sure we missed anything.
(CHUCKLES) Mmm.
Looks like I'm winning, Cork, like I win at everything: football, business, spotting the differences between two drawings that look the same but there are actually a few tiny differences.
(DOOR OPENS) May I help you? We're trying to have a sexy evening here.
(WITH HEAVY ACCENT) Ah! I am your downstairs neighbor, Isabellica Delmonicos.
Yep, I am one of the rich A-holes who live in this building.
I work in finance, producing nothing, destroying everything.
God, I suck! Also, I got a leak in my apartment.
I think it's coming from your bathroom.
What the hell's going on? It stinks like puberty out there.
There's too many layers, Isabellica.
I can't keep track.
Am I still Jacqueline? You let things go too far.
This isn't just your run-of-the-mill cock-block no more.
Now you actually got to choose one of them, and if you want to keep Duke on the hook, it's got to be him.
But I can't! You don't actually have to sleep with him.
You just have to trick him into thinking you did.
Oh, I got to have a disco biscuit in here somewhere.
- (OBJECTS CLATTERING) - Ah, Bob's your uncle! - Oh! - Well, this is either a quaalude or a cat euthanasia pill.
Well, either way, it'll do the trick.
(JAZZY MUSIC) (IPAD CHIMES) What are you taping? It's so I can prove to Russ that nothing actually happened.
There's no way Duke won't tell him.
Well, suit yourself.
I'm gonna hide in here in case you need me and 'cause my pill's just kicking in.
Whoo! I told you I had strong thumbs.
I never should have doubted you, bro.
Which one of you boys wants to do a body shot? Yum, yum, give me some.
(CHUCKLES) We don't have salt or limes, but we can make do with chocolate milk powder and onions.
Oh! (JACQUELINE GIGGLING) All the witches were in stitches While his steps Wango tango! Whatever.
I bet you can't pick me up like a baby and make me feel little in your arms.
Ha.
Such unearthly laughter - Or such hilarious groans - (SIGHS) When that skeleton In that closet rattled his bones Oh, thank goodness.
Oh, Kim! Kim Jong-ill! Can you make sure Xan gets to bed? Whoa.
Kimmy landed that dude who was ghosting her.
Epic.
(GRUNTS) I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
No, I got it.
So did she say that I was ghosting you? Like like, I died but still had unfinished business here on Earth? That's what I thought.
Then I thought maybe they were saying "goatsing," like, (TUNE OF "THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER") Baa-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-baa No, that doesn't feel right.
Well, either way, I'm glad we didn't ghost or goatsing each other.
Me too.
Uh, can I drop you off someplace? I'm not really tired.
Maybe I could keep you company while you drive.
(XAN) Whoo! - (KIMMY) Oh.
- I'm free, bitches! Oh! - (PERRY) Uh-oh.
No.
- (XAN) No! Bottoms up, Cork.
(LAUGHING) You wish, you Patrick Wilson-looking mother (LAUGHS) Game over.
- (JACQUELINE) Okay, okay.
- (BOTH LAUGHING) (DUKE MOANS) Why don't you go into the bedroom and get ready for me? I just need to dump out again.
And yet you're easy on the eyes Whenever I'm alone You weave a magic spell You're so easy on the eyes Thanks for driving me home.
I know this is way off your route.
Yeah.
I've never even heard of East Dogmouth.
"On this site in 1794, Jeremiah Montague, a local plaque maker of some renown, was stabbed to dea.
" Wait.
Wait.
How did he Well, this is me.
- I had fun tonight.
- Yeah.
Me too.
Oh, dang it.
I don't have one of those consent contracts.
Or a pen.
Or a signature I'm really happy with.
Oh, Kimmy, I would love to stay, really, but I have early class in the morning.
School on Saturday? What are you, a fish? Full disclosure: I read that on a Popsicle stick, and I didn't get it till just now.
No.
I'm taking weekend classes at Union Theological Seminary.
You know, I got into philosophy to learn how to be a good person, but then I realized that there's a way I could actually use philosophy to help people, so that's why I'm going to divinity school.
Divinity school? So you're gonna have powers? No, no.
I'm gonna be a reverend.
- What? - Hopefully have my own church one day.
Get away from me, you crazy son of a bitch! I don't ever want to see you again! I got back on the bus, yo! Bus life! Did we (MOANS) Ooh, my sock.
Oh, yeah.
I'll be right back.
(DUKE) Cork! You're still here! (LAUGHS) I just need to get some mouthwash.
While I was asleep, someone broke in here and threw up in my mouth.
He also ate a whole turkey.
Conference Championship game's today.
You miss playing ball? Just the part where people squeeze water into my mouth for me.
It worked, Lillian.
Duke thinks we bumped beautifuls.
Good for you, sweetheart.
And now you got to get rid of him before he starts asking questions like, "Did we really sleep together?" or, "Who stole my wallet? Isabellica?" Titu Cork! (IPAD CHIMES) "Storage almost full"? You taped us? It was your idea.
Maybe we can watch it next time you're in town.
(DUKE) I don't remember that.
I don't remember anything.
So let's watch that tape now, 'cause I don't think anything actually happened last night.
I never black out.
And I always call my dad after.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) So you started taping while talking to your neighbor.
- (LILLIAN) What are you taping? - That seems normal.
(LILLIAN) Nobody's gonna pay to see (QUIRKY MUSIC) (DUKE) You undress me and leave.
(DUKE) Okay, and now it's morning, and nothing.
I don't even know where to start.
Is Cork even your real name? No.
It's Titus Andromedon Stop lying! Why would you want to make me think I slept with you? And yet you taped it to prove we didn't.
For Russ.
You two are trying to get leverage on me.
(SIGHS) Oh, no! Someone ate my turkey! Cork, that was a frozen turkey.
So is this about one of his little issues with the NFL? What's it this time? Domestic violence? Taxpayer-funded stadiums? How we test new helmets by dropping chimps out of hot air balloons? It's the name, okay? The name.
Did you really think I would ever support the Redskins? Oh, you're done, sweetie.
You and Russ are both done.
(DUKE ON TV) That's why I'd never let my kids play football.
That brain injury stuff is no joke.
The league loves it, because the retired players don't realize their pension checks are just slices of bologna.
I mean, you want your kids trying to feed slices of bologna into an ATM? (CHUCKLES) That's why my boys play soccer.
- Holy crap.
- I got you! If that ever got out Give me that thing! (TITUS) Aah! That's how we do it in Chickasaw County, Mississippi.
You What do you want? You're going to the owners' meeting this year, right? Yeah.
It's gonna be epic.
Steve Harvey's performing.
He's just gonna hang out afterwards.
Well, I'm coming with you.
And you're giving Steve Harvey my reel.
Corrections by btsix