Vikingane (2016) s03e06 Episode Script

1
I've been dreaming of this day
ever since you teased the hair of my head.
Simple logic will say that your hairdo
will follow you to Valhalla.
Do your thing.
Yes.
Yes!
Yes.
Excellent.
I had time to mangle your hair
before you drew your last breath.
I would like to inform you
that you now will be walking around
in Valhalla with a bald spot.
What do you think about that?
I was hoping you would be
somewhat more conscious,
so I could get more of a reaction.
But fine
save your energy.
So you're even more clearheaded
when I put you to death
a little bit later.
It might be a good idea
to put him to death now.
No. I want him to live with that bald spot
and silly hair a little bit longer.
But what if he comes to and escapes
while we're busy at the feast
and he comes back and seeks revenge
later, or something like that?
This is no time for worrying.
Although, it will be disastrous
if he did escape.
We'll deal with that later.
Now it's time to party.
I want to propose a toast
in honor of my little brother, Orm.
I think you should stand up, Orm.
Yesterday, he led troops into battle
for the first time,
and he was most impressive
on the battlefield.
He managed the amazing feat
of not losing a single man!
Frøya, I think you should stand up, too.
You must be so proud of your husband.
I'm sorry. Sorry, guys. Uh
Well, if Orm doesn't deserve
the toast of honor,
no one does. Skål!
Skål!
Uh, before we lavish
any more praise on, uh, Orm,
I would like to say a few words.
Um, the reason why
we didn't lose a single man
was that this incompetent commander
took us on a wild-goose chase.
It's the worst thing I ever
- experienced in my life.
- Yes, Oddvar, I think that's enough
from you. You're so old now,
so you're just rambling and rambling.
- So, um But thank you.
- Let him speak.
He led us, in the most cowardly manner,
further and further into the forest.
Further and further away from the battle.
So we had no chance to die.
No, but the forest was so devious.
And all the trees looked exactly the same,
and we were distracted by a squirrel.
So, we just had no chance.
Of course.
Then I order the toast of honor
to be withdrawn.
The toast is reversed.
Spit in your horns for Orm.
I'll just, um
I'll just have to get my pee stick.
Orm.
Are you the Orm?
That's my name, don't wear it out.
I hope you got my wedding present.
The breadboard?
I'm really sorry
that I couldn't be there myself.
Yes. Thanks.
No, you deserve a lot more.
Where I'm from, we sing songs about you.
- About me?
- Of course, you're
a legend where I'm from.
- I am?
- Yes.
Why?
Because of those things.
What things?
You know.
Things that are a bit hard
to be specific about.
It's the total package
that people fall for with you.
Ah, what is that?
Hm? It's nothing, it's just some stuff.
Ah show it to me.
No, you are just going to think
that it's stupid.
No, I'm not. Please show it.
Yeah?
It's it's a pine cone horse.
It's not finished. It's just a
I've just only started it, so it's
there's no specific details
or anything yet.
Wow.
It is fantastic.
It looks like a real horse. It's majestic.
It's true to life.
- Mm-hm.
- And I know how hard it is
to make those because
I make them myself.
You do?
Yeah, all the time.
I make pine cone horses
and pine cone
- Sheep?
- Yeah.
And pine cone pigs.
And sometimes I make a whole animal farm.
There's loads of different animals.
And I also crochet.
- So, sometimes I make
- Are you kidding me? You crochet?
- Yes.
- I do it, too.
- You do?
- Yes.
We're so alike, it's incredible.
That's insane.
It's a shame, though,
that we didn't meet before.
I mean, I feel like this
- No, I
- No, what?
No, it's
No, tell me.
- You promise not to laugh?
- No, not gonna laugh.
Yes, because you are the Orm,
and you probably have lots of friends.
Well, maybe not lots, but
Yeah, a good bunch.
- Orm.
- Mm?
I am not a man of big words,
but I truly believe that the expression
"best friend" is an honor.
I have a new best friend.
Best friend.
Anyone for dessert?
Yes.
It's important to have something sweet
after such a filling meal.
Come out and watch me
finally complete my
revenge
Arvid.
Oh, it's just a shame that
this friendship has to end tonight.
Yes.
Otherwise we would have had
so much contact in the future.
Yes.
- Could we?
- Yes.
So much contact.
What is it?
Oh, it's just that the ropes are
a bit tight. It's okay, I'm fine.
I can loosen it a little.
No, I couldn't possibly ask you that.
That would be too much,
to ask you to loosen up this rope.
No, I insist.
You won't take advantage
and run away, will you?
Orm, we're best friends.
- Best friends stick together.
- Hm.
They don't run away as fast as Helheim,
if they get the chance.
That's what I've always said, as well.
The reason why I brought it up is just
because I have so many friends
who have ran away
once they've got to know me,
and that's kind of
left an impression on me.
Bjørn?
I'm sure he'll be back shortly.
Just around the corner.
He's just, uh
Hello?
Is anyone there?
I'm just warning you, I'm a warrior.
I I came straight from a flanking.
Come into the light so I can see you.
That's just one of the reasons
why I'm never going to get married.
So no one can drag me through the mud.
Yeah.
Because, I mean, you and Orm are like
uh, one unit, in a sense.
And people judge you through him.
By Loki, I hope not.
It's so nice just to be young,
free, and single.
Just up from one lady to the next,
every night.
Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.
- Next in line, please.
- Really?
I've never seen you with a woman.
No, but, to me,
it's it's more about the opportunity.
The feeling that it could have happened.
You know what I mean?
Well, speaking of
Duty calls. I caught the scent of cunt.
Excuse me.
How about sexual intercourse
behind the longhouse?
May I
What?
May I touch you again?
It's almost like human skin.
Of course it's human skin. It's just
a shade darker than yours, that's all.
No, of course. Of course it's
human skin. It's just a little bit darker.
It's nothing to be completely
paralyzed with fear for.
Am I seriously the first colored man
you've ever seen?
No, no
Or, yes.
Christ, you're so far behind,
up here in the north.
Well, the others are behind.
I'm not. I'm, uh ahead.
I don't mean to brag,
but I've traveled the whole world,
seen all kinds of cultures,
met emperors and kings.
I even speak six languages fluently.
Daus. Chinare.
- Hi.
- I can also say hi.
- Salaam.
- Mm.
And so on and so on.
But why are you locked up here?
Because of the skin color.
Yeah. Jarl Varg hates
anything that's different.
I think, actually,
that's one of his core values.
Well, I am not like that.
I am completely color-blind in that sense.
And I'm also very, very, very tolerant.
- Of course you are.
- Yes.
But where are you from?
Before this place, I came from England.
England?
Yes, you know, the country to the west.
There's a country to the west?
Have you come to bail me out?
If that's something one does.
I'm the bearer of bad news, Orm.
Varg has sentenced you
- Sentenced you to death.
- What?
Just because I freed his archenemy that he
wanted so much to avenge himself on?
- Yeah, that, too.
- Yes.
And you're to be executed by blood eagle,
so it's not exactly something
to look forward to.
No, it actually sounds pretty nasty,
especially that part
where the spine column is exposed
and the ribs are severed from the spine,
and then they're pulled out
to resemble wings.
That's more than enough, Frøya, so we'll
- And the lungs are pulled out your body.
- Yes.
So, we are here to say goodbye.
I can tell that this is going to be
a tearful goodbye for everyone.
Frøya
my love.
Yes, well, it's
sad that it had to end like this.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I think I'll just go with a handshake.
Yeah, a handshake is probably best.
It's it's more practical
than this hugging stuff.
There's so much I wanted to experience.
Okay.
For instance, I just heard that there is
this country, across the sea to the west,
that's full of ornaments
and art and culture and, uh pacifists.
I just wanted so very much
to go there on a friendly visit.
A wealthy land to the west?
Yes, my cellmate in there,
he told me everything about it.
He's been everywhere in Midgard,
so he's been there.
Now you've made me very curious, Orm.
I have an idea so crazy,
it might just work.
So, you've come
to beg for your brother's life.
No, no, no, not at all.
I have a proposal that would be
much nicer than this messy blood eagle.
I seriously doubt that. Look at them.
They're starving for blood.
If I told you that I could give you access
to a land so full of riches and slaves
that you could rebuild your whole army
and become the most powerful man
in Norway
- what would you say?
- I wouldn't say anything.
I would just get a rock hard
erection.
I propose exchanging Orm's blood eagle
against me finding this land
and making a map for you.
If I let high treason go unpunished
it will set a dangerous precedent.
People will start releasing prisoners
all over.
Of course. We can't have that.
I will spare his life
in exchange for the map.
But he must receive a symbolic punishment.
He must learn a lesson.
Of course.
What kind of creation is this,
a private-part puller?
I have chosen to spare a traitor's life
in exchange for power and riches.
But do not for a moment think
that his act will go unpunished.
Allow me to introduce
scrotum whipping.
Showing my little sac to a large audience
is punishment enough.
Let's just quit while we're ahead.
Hit the nuts.
Again.
Again!
Again.
Again. Again.
Again! Again.
Again.
- Now, good luck on your journey.
- Thank you so much.
If Orm is lying, he's in deep trouble.
It's not a lie, trust me.
If you return home empty-handed
I have a specific plan to cut Orm
in tiny, tiny pieces.
That won't be necessary,
I wouldn't give it a thought.
Really.
I'm not so sure about that.
I have a strange feeling that this map
will create a lot of problems
in the future.
It won't create any problems at all.
You know me.
That map is practically yours.
Okay, I'm glad to hear you
say that, but
there's something in me that says this map
will create a lot of problems
for many people, for several seasons.
- Seasons?
- Yes.
- Winter, spring, summer, and fall.
- Oh.
Several seasons.
Lindisfarne?
What an insignificant place.
A classic example of the kind of place
that never will be mentioned
in any history book.
Rufus Claudianus,
I don't mean to nag,
but why don't you consider
just performing today?
- Could be a good idea, huh?
- Have I not stated quite clearly
that I will enter the stage
exactly when I feel like it?
It has to feel right,
- Sure.
- And it doesn't at the moment.
Just look around you. Everyone here
seems so solemn and uncommitted.
They're monks. Maybe they have taken some
- sort of vow of silence, or something.
- Oh, whatever.
They don't seem enthusiastic
or knowledgeable, either,
and that's the least
I demand of my audience.
- Yeah, sure.
- Rose petals.
But can't you please just
play your performance?
I mean, this is our last stop on the tour.
We have been traveling for months.
- We all want to go back to Rome.
- Sure, but I'm an artist,
and I can't take you worker ants
into consideration.
And the more you nag,
the less right it feels to me.
- Rose petals.
- I'm sorry.
But anyway, it's life.
On the At my feet! Not in my face.
Anyway, congratulations.
Thanks. For what?
For making me feel stressed.
Now I need a good, long massage,
and then, we'll see after that.
Perhaps there'll be a performance,
perhaps not.
Of course. I mean, you are the star.
Yes, I am. Obviously.
New pose.
To me, this works as a key.
Yeah?
Yes, a key that unlocks
all the creative barriers.
I'm actually starting to feel ready to
bless the audience with an experience now.
- Mm.
- Excellent, excellent.
- And they know I'm an inferno?
- Yeah.
They're all informed about that.
Oh, that's good.
I hope they're aware of
how fortunate they are,
and how Oh! Ooh!
I ejaculated? What part of "non-erotic
cock massage" don't you understand?
I'm sorry. Sorry.
This is outrageous.
Find all my seed! Find all my seed!
I want every last drop
of my precious ejaculate.
I want none of my seminal fluid
going astray
so others can cultivate copies of me.
Scandal, a scandal. I want to see you
burn that rag afterwards.
Ah I think I'll walk around.
I I can only apologize.
I have probably given more than
10,000 non-erotic cock massages
without anyone ever ejaculating. I really
don't know what just happened there.
So sorry.
Hush, hush.
Now, that's the kind of enthusiasm
I've been waiting for. Mm.
Just hear how engaged they are.
I'm ready. Whoosh, whoosh.
These men are worthy of my performance.
But not quite yet.
I'll just wait a little.
Just a little bit more now.
Just want to stir them up
a little bit more
so I make my entrance
when the atmosphere is at its peak.
That is a skill very few master.
The ability to enter the stage
at exactly the right time.
Now.
It's time.