Weird Science s03e06 Episode Script

You make man? No.
Woman.
Woman? THEME SONG: Weird science! Pictures from a magazine.
Diagrams and charts.
Mending broken hearts and making weird science! Something like a recipe.
Bits and pieces and bits and pieces and-- my creation, is it real? It's my creation! Woo! My creation! It's my creation! No heart of gold, just flesh and blood! I do not know.
It's my creation! Ooh! My creation! It's my creation! From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand? It's alive! Alive! [MUSIC PLAYING.]
I don't know, Wy.
Joining the school paper? My dad reads newspapers.
Me? Give me a transvestite mad bomber on "Hard Copy" any day.
It's just an orientation meeting.
And who knows? You might like the whole investigative journalist scene.
I'm liking it already.
Welcome to the "Farber High Sentinel.
" First question? Where's the faculty advisor? She's history.
Principal Scampi okays the proofs, but otherwise a teacher just gets in the way.
Agreed? [CLAPPING.]
Yeah! Yeah! Donnelly, welcome back.
Everyone, Wyatt's agreed to be this quarter's photo jockey.
[CLAPPING.]
Copies of the "Sentinel.
" If you want to write for the paper, you get to know the paper inside and out.
Ah, a new face.
Got it mail order.
Like? I hope it was on sale.
Name's Gary.
But you can call me Scoop.
Welcome aboard, Scoot.
That's, um, Scoop.
With a P.
I'm gonna be a reporter.
You're gonna take the pictures.
How about this? Polls show PE classes are too sweaty.
Students threaten to riot.
You actually took a poll? Well, not exactly.
I mean, I-- Gary, you can't make up news.
You gotta find news.
That can take hours.
I just want to write about the news I like, you know, the fun stuff, like a UFO sighting, the Loch Ness Monster, anything involving Elvis.
Gary, you're forgetting why you got into journalism in the first place.
To pursue the truth? I thought it was to score with Marie.
Exactly.
But she's never gonna respect you if all you do is make up stories.
She loves the news-- news that actually happens.
How about this? What if the tabloid stories you liked really happened? Then you could report them and Marie would take you seriously.
And then I'd get to see her naked.
Exactly! I think there's a step missing there.
Details.
Lis, make this happen.
With pleasure.
[REWIND NOISE.]
Blank? The whole paper's blank.
It's all in here.
From now on, every story you write with your pen will come true.
Marie will be way impressed.
Score! Let's see how this baby rips.
So I just write a headline? That's it? Whatever your little tabloid heart desires.
Ready, Wy? You're gonna love this.
I'm all tingly with anticipation.
[INAUDIBLE.]
Check it out! What? [INAUDIBLE.]
Did you see that? See it? I wrote it! Pretty impressive, huh? And I was there.
The full body probe went right through me.
So on a scale from 1 to 10? Trash.
We're a serious newspaper, Wallace.
We're serious reporters.
And we have serious proof.
Very funny.
What? This is for real.
Oh, please.
Honky flying saucers? Give me a break.
What? What's wrong with it? What's wrong with it? It's a flying saucer.
It's not news.
It's a joke.
It belongs on the cover of some supermarket tabloid.
And besides, it's not even in focus.
It's kind of in focus.
Sort of.
Tabloids sell big time.
My kind of stories get people's attention.
All you have to do is turn me loose.
I'm sorry.
There's a leash law in this town.
You're afraid of me, aren't you? Yes.
Then again, clowns have always frightened me.
You're afraid because I've got power.
Don't tell me-- two double As? I'm talking Sears Diehard.
Is the subject newspapers or auto parts? Look, I know what people want.
I could be the best thing that ever happened to you.
To me, or the paper? Both.
OK, Wallace, we'll try it your way.
I'll run the UFO piece and see what kind of response it gets.
But if it backfires, your news days are over.
You won't be sorry.
[HUMMING.]
What are you thinking of doing for your next piece? I don't know, but it's got to be good.
As a newsman, it's my responsibility to make up the perfect story.
Anybody got any ideas? That might not be the best pen to brainstorm with.
We're just spitballing.
It's not gonna hurt anybody.
Woo! Hot.
How about spontaneous combustion? People love that.
That's a good one.
[SCREAMING.]
How about a giant mutated octopus? A two-headed Scotsman.
[BAGPIPES PLAYING.]
How about the abominable snowman? There's an oldie, but goodie.
Woo! Who is messing with the thermostat? [GROWLING.]
[INTERPOSING VOICES.]
-This is awesome.
-Yeah.
Take one.
[INAUDIBLE.]
.
Yeah.
Get another one.
I gotta say, more people are reading the paper than ever.
Do I have my finger on the pulse of these wacky kids, or what? You know wacky.
So what do you say we two top dogs share a water bowl at the Java Man.
You buying the milk bones? On my salary? You kidding? Look, I'd love to, Gary, but I'm deep into my own story right now.
And I think it might be big.
Oh, yeah? How big? Word has it there's no fish in the cafeteria fish sticks.
And this is news to you? Go ahead, laugh.
It sounds like small peanuts, but if I can prove that, I'll cinch my investigation on the school superintendent.
No fish in him either? I'm certain he's been skimming from school funds to invest in real estate.
I just need one concrete piece of evidence.
Why don't you let me help you with your story? I usually work alone.
I have this source in the lunchroom.
Trust me, he's very inside.
You and me working together, c'mon, what do you say? Why do you care so much about getting a photo of a giant lobster? I thought you were only into real news.
I am.
I was.
But it's not about that anymore.
It's personal.
I'm a good photographer, and a good photographer should be able to take pictures of anything.
This last week alone, I saw a Phantom 747 land on the assembly field, the ghost of Liberace selling churros at Beeman Park, Bigfoot breastfeeding Elvis.
Nobody's had a better chance to get this stuff on film than me, but I blow it every time.
They didn't all come out blurry.
This one of the dreaded zit man is really gross.
That's my seventh grade picture.
Ugh.
Oh, jeez! Oh, man, does that feel good! Are you sure your contact was going to meet us here? It's, uh, not very private.
Public, private, doesn't matter to my source.
She's the best.
She? She, who? I thought you said your source was a guy.
You just said she.
He's a master of disguise.
But enough about her, let's talk about us.
I can't, Gary.
Not now.
When-- when I'm on a story, it's hard for me to think about anything else.
It consumes every part of me.
Consumes.
I get very passionate about the hunt.
The hunt? Are we still talking about fish sticks? Your source is a no-show.
Maybe we should call it a night.
Hold on! Let me make a note of that.
Wait, you're right.
Why would my source meet us in a public place? She's too smart for that.
He.
Whatever.
The point is he'd leave us a clue.
What's this? Pinecrest Peak.
Finally we're getting somewhere! Ooh! You smell good.
I know.
What about me? You smell like my dad.
That's the Old Spice hard at work.
It's a quarter to 12:00.
Someone is yanking us.
Well, we might as well make the best of it.
It's a nice night.
We're alone.
I'm sorry, Gary.
I can't relax until we make some headway on this story.
Fair enough.
You want to wait till we wrap up the fish? No problem.
I'll make a note of that.
A fish! A clue! It's wrapped in newspaper.
Our newspaper! These letters are circled-- R, M, 13.
Room 13.
That's Scampi's office.
Oh, he must be in on it.
There's no telling how many teachers are gonna fall when we break this story.
This is so Scooby Doo.
Zoiks! Wyatt, quick! Where's that expensivo aftershave your grandmother gave you? Why don't you get spruced up at your own house? Yeah, what happened? Your dad's jug of Old Spice run dry? Maybe.
This magic pen is finally starting to pay off.
The deeper we get into this thing, the deeper she gets into me.
Gary, has it occurred to you that you don't have the solution to Marie's fish stick story? So what? Me and my little friend here can make up anything we want.
I gave you that pen to impress her, not to lead her on.
She's been upfront with you.
The least you could do is be honest with her.
It's time we told her the truth.
I suddenly see a headline.
Hey! Did you have something to add? [GROWLING.]
Do you guys sell snow cones? I'm burning up.
[INAUDIBLE.]
[GROWLING.]
Nice up here, huh? It's beautiful.
[HEAVY FOOTSTEPS.]
Mm.
Frosty ice cream.
Oh my god! That looks like a yeti! [SCREAMING.]
Ed! You know, this is a brand new car, you pig! Take a hike, skin job.
I know we're partners and everything, but when you planted your lips on me, did that mean-- There's gotta be something in here.
Look in the desk drawers, Wallace.
You called me Gary last night.
I was sure we'd find something.
This case is over.
We can't give up now.
You never know what we're gonna find next.
Maybe we should check out that cabinet.
Scampi might be keeping fish in there.
What are you talking about? Why would he be keeping fish in his office? You never know.
Are you OK? Yeah.
Just banged my head.
Fist found? Oh! The freezer key! Home of the fish sticks.
Next stop, the freezer.
This case is so exciting.
I'm so worked up.
Kiss me, Marie! Marie! If anything is gonna get you a picture, this baby will.
You've got eight autofocus zoom lenses-- heat sensitive, cold sensitive, motion sensitive, waterproof, and infrared.
What's this button? The auto-destruct.
Don't touch that.
Well, I'm ready then.
Look out unexplained phenomena, Wyatt Donnelly is on the case.
Wyatt, the lens caps.
[GROWLING.]
[SCREAMING.]
Cold water! Oh, cold.
[GRUNTING AND POUNDING.]
Oh, cold! Oh! Nice bod! Cold home! MARIE: We're onto something big.
I know we're gonna find it in here.
This is gonna be great.
GARY: Fish sticks are romantic, don't you think? You know, Gary, when you said we should team up, I was against the idea.
You're more of a loner, right? No, I kind of thought you were a spaz.
Really? But I was wrong.
It's been fun working with a partner.
I mean, with you.
We're good together, aren't we? We're on the brink of something big.
Are we talking fish sticks, or? Oh my god! It's locked! Come on, Gary, we're trapped! Oh, don't worry.
Nothing my trusty pen can't handle.
Hey, what's that on your shirt? No ink! Help! Hello?! Here, Elvis, Elvis, Elvis.
Elvis! [BURPING.]
Huh? [SCREAMING.]
It's kind of funny.
Tomorrow they'll find us in here frozen, just like those fish sticks.
Well, there's your headline-- "Farber Newsies Frozen With Phony Fish.
" Seeing as this may be my last chance, I guess I can admit-- you've inspired me.
I have? I'm too analytical, but you, you're all instinct.
You don't need clues or logic.
You just know.
The truth is, Marie, I'm not quite the reporter you think I am.
My pen really does all the work.
You're just being modest.
It's your hand that guides that pen.
Well, I mean, you could look at it that way.
And hey, what if we are stuck in here? We're still reporters, right? This investigation isn't over until we say it is.
Or until our body temperature drops below 80 degrees.
So let's review the facts.
Frozen fish sticks are frozen, right? Yeah.
Yeah, right.
So you freeze frozen fish sticks in a freezer, right? Let's take inventory.
It's no use, Gary.
I checked all the boxes.
There are no fish sticks in here.
But I thought that was the point.
There never were any fish sticks.
Maybe they're just called something else.
Pure ground beef patties.
Sloppy Joe mix.
Creamed corn.
Wait a minute.
Breaded soy fingers? Look familiar? Fish sticks! Give me that package! Soy product, bread product imitation fish scented textured curds! But no real fish.
Congratulations, Marie.
You got your proof.
We got the proof, Scoop.
[POUNDING AND GRUNTING.]
Oh, at last! Say "cheese," Hairball! You OK? What happened? Did you see that? I got the yeti on film! Small taters, Wyatt.
We just cinched us a real story.
Naked? Dazed? And I have no idea how I got here.
That's the third time this month.
GUARD: Freeze! Huh? Hey, guys, I got my shots of the abominable snowman back from the lab.
Huh? What does this prove? It's a yeti.
Clear as day.
It's a hairy back.
It could be Robin Williams.
But the hair is white.
OK.
So it's Ed Asner.
Yeah, but look at that focus, huh? It's perfect.
Look, you can even make out the fleas.
Maybe it's Willie Nelson.
Wyatt, that picture doesn't prove anything.
Yes, it does.
It proves that I can take a decent picture.
It proves it doesn't take much to make him happy.
Hey.
So it's back to work, huh? Yeah, with you running the paper and me as the spaz reporter.
Well, we'll always have the freezer.
LISA (VOICEOVER): Who said truth can't be stranger than fiction? THEME SONG: Weird science! Fantasy and microchips shooting from the hip.
Something different we're making.
Weird science! Pictures from a magazine.
Bits and pieces and bits and pieces and-- my creation, is it real? It's my creation.
I do not know.
It's my creation! From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand my intentions?