Young Rock (2021) s03e06 Episode Script

1
We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
We wish you ♪
Hello and Merry Christmas.
I am Dwanta Claus, and during
this time of the year,
I like to rip the sleeves off my jacket
and put on a hat with a bell,
and I like to reflect back
on family, friends,
and what makes this
holiday so very special.
I love Christmas
because it's all about the three G's,
gathering, giving, and
getting loose on eggnog.
Now of course, when you're a little kid,
it's most about one thing: the toys.
I've been talking a lot about
all the money troubles we had in Hawaii,
but Christmas 1983 was before all that,
when we were still riding high
and I was about to learn
a very valuable lesson in gift-giving.
What are these cartoon shoes
on your feet?
Nice, right?
They're from the Jane Seymour
for Mervyn's collection.
I can't get over these.
I love them so much.
They're so soft.
Got them as a little Christmas
gift to myself.
Speaking of Christmas gifts
as much as I love the Radish Baby
that you got me last year
That doll is not right.
We knew it wasn't exactly
what I asked for,
which is fine.
But this year I made it
very easy for you.
Here's a page from the toy catalogue
where I circled Skeletor,
the action figure I want,
so you know what it looks like.
Why does he have muscles on his body
but not on his face?
Also, I called the store to
make sure that it was in stock,
and they've put it aside
on a 48-hour hold.
Here's a map, just in case.
Okay. Well, thank you, Dewey.
I will make sure to pass all
this info along to Santa.
Sure.
But it's on hold under your name!
You put a lot of thought
into what gift you want.
Yeah, well, just between us,
I kind of hate that Radish Baby.
Don't want another disaster like that.
Wait, where did he go?
I hope you put
in the same amount of thought
into the gift you get for your mom.
What? Adults give gifts to kids,
not the other way around.
I see. So you don't love your mother.
That's not what I'm saying.
Then why do you want
to make her feel unloved?
I don't.
Good, then you will get her a gift.
I'm glad you see it my way, son.
I'm telling you, we need
to be making our own baby oil.
That way we don't gotta keep buying it.
Oh, no way, brother.
I do not wanna know how they get oil
out of them babies.
- Just saying.
- Hey, Dad.
Dewey, what are you doing here?
I need some advice.
I don't know what
to get my mom for Christmas.
- Join the club.
- Dewey.
You wish to give
the gifts this year, huh?
Not just receive them?
You are like a little Père Noel.
I'm going to get you a robe.
You should get her a hot tub, a big one,
you know, one that we can all fit in.
I have a box of costume jewelry
from my great aunt Deb
that I am looking to unload.
No, she does not want any more jewelry.
Last year I got us matching
diamond tennis bracelets.
She said it was irresponsible
- Pfft.
- Which is crazy.
These are an investment.
Oh, shoot.
Then I guess the hot tub wins.
Oh, make sure it's a big one,
you know, one that we could all fit in.
I don't think I can buy her a hot tub.
Wish I could help you, Dewey,
but your mom is very hard to shop for.
There's gotta be something she'd like.
I wish there was
a toy catalogue for adults.
It'd be so much easier
if I could just see a bunch
of gifts and choose one.
Dewey, you just described a mall.
Oh, yeah, a mall.
But the mall was a bust.
I wasn't seeing anything
I liked for my mom.
However
Oh, candy.
No. Gotta stay focused.
I'm here for Mom.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Merry Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Well, aren't you a little big
to sit on Santa's lap?
Yeah, I'm not here for me.
I need to get a gift for my mom.
Well, uh, what does your mom like?
Me.
Anything else?
Hark! The Herald angels ♪
I got nothing.
Look, kid, my honest opinion,
it doesn't really matter
what the gift is.
What matters is how
it makes the person feel.
Well, I'm sure your mom's
gonna like anything
you give her, even if you just
slap googly eyes on a coconut.
Nice.
Might have overdone it
with the glitter paint.
Gonna have to sun dry.
Ah! No!
No!
No, no, no, no, no.
No!
I'm home.
Hi, Mom.
- Were you doing crafts?
- No!
I was just organizing
the craft supplies.
Someone put a glue stick inside
of the Magic Marker tray.
People are animals.
What a great idea.
Hey, if you're in the mood
for organizing,
the linen closet is a disaster.
Yeah, I'll get on that later.
I have an errand to run for Grandma.
What errand?
Her her mango shipment was late
so she asked me to go
to the store and get her some.
Okay, bye.
Smooth, right?
So now I had a Christmas
disaster to clean up.
Yes, they're not sold-out.
$15?
What are these made out of,
gold doubloons?
Can I help you?
You look too young to be here,
but too old to be lost.
Um, I need to get these slippers,
but I can't afford them.
Okay, well, come back when you can.
Merry Christmas.
Wait.
What if I gave you
four dollars and
this wallet?
No, sorry.
Look, Brig-itty.
Brigitte.
- Bresheet.
- No.
I'm a businessman, and
you're a businesswoman.
And as businesspeople, we can both agree
that $15 is way too much
for a pair of slippers.
You're too young
to know how embarrassing
this is for you, but this is a Mervyn's.
We don't haggle.
I was gonna need a Christmas miracle.
I failed to get my mom new slippers,
and my frustrations
were at an all-time high.
Hey!
One of your colleagues gave me
some very bad advice earlier.
He said my mom would be
happy with anything,
so I made her a stupid coconut
with googly eyes,
and then I dropped it
on her Jane Seymour slippers.
But I can't replace them
because Mervyn's doesn't haggle.
So now her entire Christmas is ruined,
and she's literally a Christmas angel.
Maybe you should ask Santa
to bring you some slippers.
- Ho, ho, ho.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Enjoy your orange chicken.
My time had run out.
It was Christmas morning
and I got my Skeletor,
which made me feel even
worse about the slippers.
Back to socks like the rest of us.
What happened to your poodle shoes?
Can't find them.
I'm hoping they're buried
somewhere in the linen closet.
Last gift and it's for you.
But you already gave me my gift,
this, uh, lovely umbrella hat.
So my baby will always have some shade.
- Ah.
- But this one's not from me.
It's from Dewey.
It is?
Oh, Dewey, you didn't have
to get me anything.
That's so sweet.
Aww.
What is it?
It's a little coconut with googly eyes.
Look at his little hat.
Dewey, I love it so much.
God damn, I could've
just been making coconuts.
Okay, let's eat breakfast.
Mr. Coconut gets a special
place on the table.
Good job, Dewey.
The slippers.
Mom, I found your slippers.
- So to this very day
- Oh!
I don't know if that was
Santa Claus or not,
but I do know that I am
a believer in Christmas magic
and the gift of giving.
Now that Christmas in Hawaii
was the first time
I ever experienced the joy
of giving a gift.
And from then on,
I was absolutely obsessed with it.
The coconut with googly eyes
became a tradition
for me and my mom.
I still make her one every year.
Hey, can that one be from both of us?
I have no idea what to get her.
Sorry, Dad. These coconuts are all mine.
Dewey, I need you to come
to work with me today.
Why?
My client Suzanne is hosting
a big Christmas party tonight.
I need extra help with,
you know, cleaning,
getting everything set up for her.
Hey, at least you don't have
to go to the party.
Probably boring as hell.
Don't include me in your conversation.
No, I don't ski.
We're going to the party
as well, you too.
I love how you just assume
that I have nothing to do all day
and free to come to work
with you and go to a party.
Do you have something to do today?
No.
Bathrooms are all cleaned and stocked
with Christmas tree hand soaps.
Which I'm pretty sure
permanently stained my hands.
Oh.
How's everything going?
- We're all done.
- Oh, good.
Well, before you go,
I just wanted to give
you a little something.
Damn, that's not a little anything.
Oh, you didn't have to give us a gift.
I just wanted to thank you
for all your hard work
this year.
Go ahead. Open it.
Oh! Oh, wow, an ice cream maker.
Oh, this is so nice. Thank you so much.
Yeah, thanks.
We got you something too,
uh, just left it at home.
- We'll bring it to the party.
- Mm-hmm.
Aw, you got me a present?
That is so sweet.
I love presents.
See you tonight?
We didn't get her a present.
We'll figure something out.
That started my next lesson
in gift-giving.
As a teenager, I thought
it was pretty simple.
You get a gift, and you give a gift.
But it's not always that cut and dry.
He's unable to get up now. A nice
Rocky, get up.
We need to go to the mall
and get Suzanne a gift.
A gift?
But she's your boss. You don't gift up.
Did I ever get a gift for Vince?
You never got a gift for Vince?
The man owns a T.rex skull.
The hell can I buy him?
Dewey promised Suzanne a gift,
so now we have to get her a gift,
and it needs to be something as nice
as this beautiful ice cream maker.
Come on. The party's in a couple hours.
Okay, we need a nice gift
that costs almost nothing.
Our prayers have been answered.
You wanna enter
a radio contest for an ATV?
It's free, ain't it?
I say we just go to Le Chic Boutique
and buy the least expensive
thing we can find.
We can get the store to wrap it
so it looks fancy.
- Sounds like a plan.
- Come on, Rocky.
And go!
Rocky.
Oh, trust me. I can win this thing.
We'll see you at home.
Fans of wrestling, anyone?
Eh, mm.
Ooh, so graceful.
$300?
What, does it grant wishes?
This is the cheapest thing I could find.
"You wash I'll die".
Instead of "I'll dry".
This is no use.
Everything in here is too expensive.
You know, I could
What?
I could get us
something without paying for it.
How? Do you have a coupon?
No. I mean
Stealing?
At Christmastime?
Certainly not anymore.
Should probably pay for this.
They're definitely gonna think
we stole something.
Well, at least it's cheap.
- What?
- I know what her gift can be.
We can make ice cream for Suzanne.
There's no better feeling than knowing
that someone really appreciates
the gift you give them, right?
That's what that gasp was for?
I thought you saw a rat.
There's so many parts to assemble.
First it says we need the driver ring?
- Wait, this is open?
- Yeah.
And what's this on the manual?
Is this red wine?
Suzanne must have used this.
This is a regift?
She didn't put any thought into this.
But all she did was wrap up
something she didn't want.
That's not even a gift.
That's decorated trash.
And that's exactly what
we're gonna give her.
Two contestants left.
- Who's gonna win?
- Aw, you gotta tinkle winkle?
There's a bathroom right over there.
- Whoa!
- Ah.
Rocky Johnson!
- Can I get your autograph?
- Hell yeah.
We have a winner!
Aw, man!
Price of fame.
Come on.
- Hi!
- You made it.
We did.
- Merry Christmas.
- Oh.
You didn't have to get me anything.
Oh.
Oh.
Uh I don't wash dishes.
Well, maybe you could spill
some red wine on it
and give it to someone else.
Oh.
Thank you. Come in, come in.
- Is your husband coming?
- Oh, he had to work late.
Oh.
I never forgot that negative experience
with my mom's rich boss.
So when I got to the point in my life
where I had a little more
than 7 bucks in my pocket,
I wanted to share it and try
to give people the best gifts
they ever got.
Like I remember this one Christmas
at Mick Foley's house.
Now there's one thing
you should know about Mick.
He loves Christmas.
God, I love Christmas.
Every year he would host
a Christmas party for the guys
and we would all do our Secret Santa.
All right, time for Secret Santa.
Dwayne, since this is your first time
at my Christmas soirée,
you get to open first.
- Welcome, brother.
- Thanks, Mick.
Oh, it's not from me.
It's from your Secret Santa.
Oh, okay.
Oh, wow. Nice.
My dad used to have one just like it.
- Who was this from?
- Me.
I almost got it engraved
to say "Never shuts up"
But it's Christmas.
Thank you.
This one's for
Me.
When I drew Mick's name
for Secret Santa,
I knew I had to go all-out,
so I got him an incredible gift.
Wow. This is
What am I looking at here?
Well, the coconut is a family tradition.
I make one for my mom every year.
It used to be he was the only gift,
but now he brings other gifts with him.
And he's brought you
an all-inclusive first-class trip
to the Bahamas.
You and your family leave tomorrow
for the weekend.
Merry Christmas!
Or at least I thought
it was an incredible gift.
Turns out I had another lesson to learn.
Wow, that's very generous. Thank you.
All right, who's next?
Not quite the reaction I was expecting.
Hey, do you guys think it was weird,
Mick's reaction to my gift?
It seemed like he didn't like it.
I mean, he said thank you.
What more could you ask for, right?
- Ho, ho, ho, ho!
- Hey, Santa.
Hey. Excited for your trip?
This time tomorrow,
you'll be sitting by the pool.
Actually, this time tomorrow
you'll be on your layover
in Charlotte, but it's a nice airport.
Yeah, um, listen, man.
I'm sorry, but I can't go.
It's just I've a thing
tomorrow I can't miss.
- But I love the coconut.
- Oh, my bad.
I, uh I thought since we had
the next few days off work
you'd be okay to travel on the weekend.
Wish I could, but hey, why don't you go?
Have some fun in the sun?
I felt like I had ruined
Christmas for Mick.
A bad gift is worse than no gift at all,
so I was determined
to get him something better.
Hey, it turns out
Mick can't make the trip.
So how 'bout you trade me
your Secret Santa gift,
I'll give it to Mick, and
you can go to the Bahamas.
Ah, I don't know, man.
You know, I'm just not a huge fan
of flying over water.
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪
La-la-la-la-la ♪
Hey, Undertaker,
- wanna trade me that
- No.
Hey, big head.
- Triple H.
- I'll trade you.
I'm not a robe guy.
Thanks to my father who could
never find the belt for his.
Okay.
Hey, Mick.
Merry Christmas.
Is this for me?
You already got me a gift.
Yeah, but I traded it.
I'm sorry, man.
I know how much you love Christmas,
and I ruined your Secret Santa.
I just wanted to get
you something great.
Hey, come with me.
I wanna show you something.
Okay.
You know how in matches
I fall onto thumbtacks?
Of course.
You're the most hardcore
out of all of us.
Well, this is every tack
I've ever pulled out
of my back after a match,
fused together to form
a life-sized Tori Amos.
Wow, I got a lot of questions
about this.
I had it made as a reminder
of how far I'm willing to go
to give a good show.
And as a reminder
of how much I love Tori Amos.
Has Tori seen this?
And if so, is she flattered
or is this a restraining
order situation?
I love that feeling, man,
knowing that you gave it
absolutely everything you had
and hearing how the crowd loves it.
Giving is what makes me the happiest.
I don't even like receiving gifts.
Oh, I get that. I mean,
I'm only wearing this
because I don't wanna hurt
Stone Cold's feelings.
Yeah, giving gifts to adults
who can buy whatever
they want, it's no fun.
You're just swapping stuff.
That's why I drop toys off at
this youth center every year.
That's a real Christmas gift,
donating your time and resources
to help people less fortunate.
I love putting on a show for those kids,
seeing their faces light up.
And I thought André the Giant
was Christmas personified.
- Oh, ho, ho.
- You give him a run for his money.
Wow.
But you know what?
That toy drive sounds awesome.
I'd love to come with.
I'd love your help with it,
but you can't come.
Heels can't do charity events for kids.
Good guys only.
Right.
But do you know what would
make for a good show?
Huh?
You kids must've been
real good this year
'cause the big guy sent
lots of presents!
Yay!
There was one heel
that could be at the event.
Well, well, well.
What do we have here?
The ultimate heel.
Oh, no! It's the Grinch!
You better get out of here, Grinch,
before Stone Cold sticks his mistletoe
right up your chimney.
I'm stealing all the toys I can find
and giving the People's Elbow
to every Santa I see.
The only thing you're getting, Grinch,
is a whuppin'!
Yeah?
Lots of mistletoe ♪
- Lots of snow and ice ♪
- Ooh!
- Ah!
- Everywhere we go ♪
Merry Christmas, Mick.
Back at you, buddy.
And so it turns out the best gift advice
I ever got was from that mall Santa
all those years ago in Hawaii.
It's not about what the gift is.
It's about how it makes the person feel.
Whether they're a fancy gift,
or a homemade gift,
or even just a simple gesture,
gifts are my love language.
This one's a pepper mill
for my good friend, Stanley Tucci.
Merry Christmas, Tooch.
Well, I really
enjoyed spending this time
with you all.
And don't forget on Christmas Eve
to leave out some tequila,
some sandwiches,
and some cookies for
old Dwanta Claus here.
But hold the sandwiches,
and hold the cookies.
That's right.
Dwanta's gettin' loaded.
Good night, everyone.
Merry Christmas, Mele Kalikimaka,
and happy holidays to you
and your families.
And for all the little kids out there
that wanna get their parents
the perfect gift, don't worry.
They'll love it no matter what.