1000 Ways to Die s03e07 Episode Script

MALE ANNOUNCER: is there a doctor in the house? - I'm free on sunday, if you are.
ANNOUNCER: make that a mortician.
We've got a fresh batch of cold ones to dig into aah! ANNOUNCER: like the guy who got swept away aah! ANNOUNCER: or the wrestlers who got carried away.
[LAUGHS.]
ANNOUNCER: how about the drunk who had no heart or the lovers who sprung a leak? [GAS HISSING, EXPLOSION.]
There's a mailman who wound up in the dunk tank aah! ANNOUNCER: and a rocker who blew his fecal mind.
They all make lovely corpses On the next episode of 1,000 ways to die.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Death is everywhere.
Most of us try to avoid it.
Others can't get out of its way.
Every day we fight a new war against germs toxins injury illness and catastrophe.
There's a lot of ways to wind up dead.
The fact that we survive at all is a miracle because every day we live we face 1,000 ways to die.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! ANNOUNCER: brian was a serial drunk driver Who had just been released from prison For vehicular manslaughter.
He shouldn't even be behind the wheel sober, Let alone wasted.
- One for the red light! [LAUGHS.]
ANNOUNCER: but thankfully, brian's trip was cut short.
[HORN BLARING.]
- Whoa! But brian's time was up.
I got some i.
D.
We got a donor.
ANNOUNCER: 53% of all licensed drivers in the u.
S.
Are organ donors.
- Arriving on the scene of an accident, The first thing we're gonna do is determine if they're dead By looking at the vital signs.
Then we will set in motion the process Of getting the organs to a place Where they can be extracted for donation.
And these would include organs Such as the heart, liver, kidneys.
ANNOUNCER: brian's heart was kept pumping To keep his organs fresh and healthy.
There was just one slight complication.
Brian was still alive.
He was one of a handful of accident victims per year Who are mistakenly declared dead on the scene.
- Healthy spleen.
Looks good.
Yeah.
ANNOUNCER: unable to react as they harvested his organs, It was a living hell.
He felt every cut and heard every word.
- All right, i'm gonna take this lung out.
- Let me get in there.
- Okay, that's good.
- This was an extremely rare situation, But it can happen.
In this instance, brian, Who was basically thought to be brain-Dead, Had such minimal brain activities, It was imperceptible, And therefore, they did not realize That they were actually dealing with somebody That was still alive.
[HEART BEATING.]
ANNOUNCER: right before brian died for real, He spent his last seconds looking at the healthy heart They'd just cut out of his chest.
- All right, let's unplug him and close him up.
All right.
- One for the red light! [LAUGHS.]
ANNOUNCER: brian used to drive around dead drunk.
- Aah! [CRASH.]
ANNOUNCER: now he's just another dead drunk.
If new jersey was a state of mind, That state would be loud, crude, and obnoxious.
Say hello to nicky, aka "the predicament.
" [ROCK MUSIC.]
He liked to work on his car With the music earsplitting loud.
- Nicky, can you please turn the music down? - You know you want this, baby.
ANNOUNCER: with his fake gold chain Hanging over the spinning fan belt or chain-Smoking next to exposed gasoline, "The predicament" was a disaster waiting to happen.
- It's better to let a professional Handle car repair, car customizing.
Something as simple as swapping out rims and tires, If somebody uses an inadequate jack to elevate it, They get underneath the car, jack gives out, Uh, nobody else around, Car comes down, crushes them to death.
ANNOUNCER: nicky had less than a week To get his ride ready For a summer down on the jersey shore.
Nicky! I asked you nicely to turn that music down! You know what i'm gonna do? I'm gonna call the cops! ANNOUNCER: nicky was about to learn firsthand Why they call it death metal.
- Oh, really? - Yeah! Aah! Uhh! ANNOUNCER: nicky's music was so loud That he didn't hear the approaching street sweeper.
The momentum of his dolly Sent him right into the path of the sweeper's brushes, And his situation went from predicament To predictably dead.
- A street sweeper's main and side brooms Consist of thousands of harsh wire bristles, Designed to sweep and feed trash material Into a powerful vacuum.
Nicky's body would have been shredded into mulch And sucked into the back of the 3.
6-Cubic-Yard hopper.
ANNOUNCER: nicky was one crude, rude dude.
- You know you want this, baby.
ANNOUNCER: it was high time that fate stepped in And gave him - Aah! ANNOUNCER: the brush-Off.
Coming up, a redneck drunk gets log-Jammed aah! ANNOUNCER: and a real-Estate deal Goes down.
Oh, yeah! ANNOUNCER: cooter was a worthless piece Of trailer trash.
[COUGHS.]
If he cared about anything, It was booze, guns, and his welfare check.
Here.
Here, puppy.
[DOG YIPPING.]
[LAUGHS.]
ANNOUNCER: but before cooter got too drunk, There was work to do.
It gets cold around here at night, And he needed to hit the wood splitter for some fuel.
Make that "fool.
" He was so trashed aah! ANNOUNCER: he broke his arm instead.
- God damn! Son of a bitch! - I've worked around heavy equipment most of my life.
A log splitter is probably one of the most dangerous.
Some of these wood splitters, They're putting out Right there at the tip.
It'd be like getting your arm run over By an m1 abrams tank.
ANNOUNCER: cooter saw himself As one of them red-Blooded american do-It-Yourselfers, And he wasn't about to waste Any hard-Earned government welfare money On a doctor.
It's a work of art.
ANNOUNCER: a month later, Cooter was ready to cut off his homemade cast.
He brought over His favorite illegitimate daughter, tammy, to help.
- You see this thing here? - Uh, yeah.
Now, there's a doctor.
- What? What are you doing? - We're gonna take this thing off.
I need you to hold it.
- No, no.
Stop, stop.
ANNOUNCER: cooter had a thing for power tools.
If he broke his arm with a log splitter, Might as well use a table saw to remove the cast.
The redneck gods smiled down upon the useless drunk.
- See that? Told you i was fine.
ANNOUNCER: and then they pulled his plug.
- Oh! - Oh, my god! ANNOUNCER: when cooter decided to play doctor, He made two mistakes.
One, he didn't set the bone properly.
And two, he made the cast too tight.
When he took it off, Fat globules that were leaking From the marrow of his broken bone Were finally released back into his bloodstream.
They went straight to his heart And caused a fatal embolism.
[COUGHS.]
ANNOUNCER: the only thing to say about cooter- He was a worthless, mean-Spirited drunk.
[GUNSHOT.]
- That's it.
You run! Aah! - Y'all don't come back now, ya hear? Aah! ANNOUNCER: buying a house can be a stressful experience.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Buying one from this real-Estate agent Is like walking onto the set of a triple-X movie, And she's the horny star.
Her name is jasmine.
She has a very strange sales technique.
- Welcome! Hi, there! ANNOUNCER: she tries to seduce anyone Who walks through the door.
She's up for anything- Couples single guys even other women.
Oh, i'm so sorry.
I just was really distracted by your lovely, um necklace.
- Oh [GIGGLES.]
Thanks.
My friend made it for me.
- Oh, really? Your boyfriend or? Oh, no! [BOTH GIGGLE.]
ANNOUNCER: janine had the right potential as a buyer.
She had a bank account full of daddy's money And was a lesbian sexaholic.
- An aggressive nymphomaniac/ sexually compulsion person Can be extremely aggressive, Because they don't care whom, when, Or what they have sex with.
And they're doing it because they want to kill time, Or they want to avoid loneliness, Or they just want to conquer.
Just-It's all about the number.
So don't be surprised If they don't remember your name.
ANNOUNCER: it didn't take too long For a tour around the house To lead to a naughty pool party [BOTH GIGGLING.]
And then the bedroom- Make that the laundry room.
Special feature.
ANNOUNCER: janine was determined to make jasmine come clean About any issues with the house.
The spin cycle.
- Right there, right there! [MOANING.]
ANNOUNCER: but just as the two women Were about to seal the deal janine noticed a problem.
- Hold on.
Do you smell that? ANNOUNCER: their vigorous negotiating Caused the dryer's improperly connected fuel line To unhook [GAS HISSING.]
Releasing natural gas into the room.
Natural gas is odorless, which makes it dangerous If there's a leak.
Sulfur compounds called thiols Are added to give it a noticeable smell.
By the time janine smelled something fishy, It was too late.
The enclosed room was filled with highly combustible methane, And when the water heater fired up, The gas exploded with the force of a stick of dynamite.
Real estate is a tricky business.
One minute, the prices are going down - don't stop! Keep going! ANNOUNCER: and the next thing you know they're sky-High.
Up next dying is easy.
Aah! ANNOUNCER: wrestling is hard.
And an obnoxious mailman gets returned to sender.
ANNOUNCER: what do we have here? Two dudes on their way to a gay-Pride parade? Nah.
Just some morons with backyard dreams Of making it on the pro-Wrestling circuit.
Yeah! ANNOUNCER: stink face and dirt bomb Have been rehearsing their "act" for the last two months.
Whoo! - People have died doing backyard wrestling.
They don't realize the danger they're putting themselves in.
You have trained wrestlers that break their necks.
So the odds of these guys hurting themselves Are extremely high.
- Aah! - Ow! ANNOUNCER: people who think wrestling's a sham Should check out these two.
There's no way you could fake being this bad.
- Yeah! Oh! ANNOUNCER: they ripped off stunts from other acts - here i go.
- No-Aah! Aah! ANNOUNCER: and even had a few of their own.
One was called "lights out.
" Aah! ANNOUNCER: another they were trying out For the first time the chest whacker.
- Aah! Ha ha ha! ANNOUNCER: looks like it still needs work.
Ohah [COUGHING.]
ANNOUNCER: but hold on.
Shouldn't the guy who just got whacked fall down? Stink face and dirt bomb didn't realize it, But fluorescent bulbs contain mercury vapor- An odorless, colorless substance.
Give me that! ANNOUNCER: over the last few weeks, Dirt bomb was smashed with over 200 tubes, Breathing in the toxic dust.
Even worse his open stapler wounds Acted as a direct conduit to his bloodstream.
Dirt bomb didn't know it, but he was mainlining mercury.
- The exposure of mercury through an open wound Can increase the toxicity associated with mercury.
The cumulative exposure By the sheer volume of the number of lightbulbs Would have accumulated in his respiratory system And led to brain damage, as well as tachycardia, Which is a rapid heartbeat, And then eventually death.
ANNOUNCER: stink face and dirt bomb Were talentless - Aah! ANNOUNCER: clueless aah! ANNOUNCER: and now one of them is lifeless.
- Oh, mr.
Evans, how's that mail-Order bride coming along? ANNOUNCER: you got to be a real jerk To man the dunk tank at the county fair.
And nobody could hurl insults like mel.
- I'm imagining the herpes simplex "b" Is gonna get in the way, huh? - Working a dunk tank does take a special art form.
The object is to get the person that you're insulting Worked up so that he continues spending money.
The madder they got, The more that they had to spend to get even with you.
ANNOUNCER: the reason why mel Was able to land such embarrassing bull's-Eyes - hi, there, miss finklestein.
Your anorexia-Has that been, uh, clearing up? ANNOUNCER: he was the town's mailman, And not only did he deliver the mail he read it.
"Herpes simplex 'b'"- That is disgusting.
ANNOUNCER: tonight, armed with fresh dirt hello, janice! ANNOUNCER: mel had the neighbors going postal.
- How's your, uh, convict son doing? Huh? ANNOUNCER: but there was a problem with the dunk tank.
This one came equipped with an electric heater To keep the water warm.
Over time the fuse box to the heater Had caught too many wild pitches.
The water was electrified, And mel was one dunk away from death.
The way the crowd was throwing, Mel didn't seem to be in much danger.
But then up stepped a new guy.
Mel only knew his name.
- Hey, daniel phan, how are you doing, buddy? ANNOUNCER: what he didn't know daniel had spent two years playing baseball In japan.
I'm surprised you can throw- [CLANK.]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
- Oh, my god! [PEOPLE SCREAMING.]
- When this man fell in the water And was electrocuted, Electricity was going through different parts of the body And started attacking the heart.
His heart shut down, and he died A rapid, sudden death.
ANNOUNCER: mel was a mean and nasty mailman.
- How's that mail-Order bride coming along? ANNOUNCER: if he was able to read the last letter Sent by the staff of 1,000 ways to die [CLANK.]
He'd be shocked.
"Dear mel you're dead!" You won't want to miss this.
I'm all out of drugs here! ANNOUNCER: a drug-Crazed rocker gets high [FLATULENCE.]
on his own supply.
ANNOUNCER: cedric was a rock and roller In dire need.
His tour bus had just broke down in provo, utah, And he was out of drugs.
This isn't happening! ANNOUNCER: if you've ever tried to score drugs In the mormon-Centric provo, You'd know how big a problem this was.
I'm all out of drugs here! ANNOUNCER: one of his roadies had a suggestion.
- Y-Yeah? - Listen i know a way you can get high off your own ass.
ANNOUNCER: the roadie was referring To something called jenkem.
- Jenkem is a recreational hallucinogenic drug Made by fermenting raw sewage.
This would include defecating into a container And sealing it, and then huffing it.
Hydrogen sulfide gas is produced as a result.
It's then inhaled, Which is what causes hallucinations.
ANNOUNCER: soon enough cedric was rolling down his own hershey highway.
[LAUGHING.]
For the next few days, Cedric went on a jenkem bender.
- [GRUNTING.]
[FLATULENCE.]
- The high from jenkem is very, uh, Similar to that of, say, rush or glue Or, uh, you know paint.
And what it is, is it kind of gives you A hallucinogenic, kind of psychedelic high.
I would much rather be high than to be sober, So if i didn't have a choice then i'd do it.
ANNOUNCER: unfortunately for cedric, His ass stash went dry.
- Come on! Give me something! [FLATULENCE.]
oh! Victoria station! [GRUNTING.]
[FLATULENCE.]
[COUGHS.]
come on! ANNOUNCER: and then a vision.
Ah, yes! ANNOUNCER: the mother lode was standing right before him.
The tank full of fudge sludge Was sending him into jenkem nirvana.
- [COUGHING.]
ANNOUNCER: one more hit and he would become one with number two.
[COUGHING.]
ANNOUNCER: the cloud of ass gas was too much.
Cedric suffered a brown-Out passed out and then went lights out.
Jenkem and its composition Includes methane gas.
The gaseous fumes prevent hemoglobin Or blood from accepting oxygen from the lungs- And eventually, convulsions and death.
- I know a way you can get high off your own ass.
ANNOUNCER: the moral to the story? [FLATULENCE.]
Never get high on your own supply.
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