800 Words (2015) s03e07 Episode Script

1 You're moving in to Big Mac's? He kinda wants us to stay.
My house has many rooms, Arlo.
And you can take your pick.
There is no bloody way in hell I am having a Groomspiel.
- What's a Groomspiel? - Traditional Weld stag party.
There's this place, a holiday home.
It's really nice and it's empty.
In return for minding it, we can live there.
Aren't kids of your generation meant to be living at home - well into your 20s? - I really want to do this.
We're all someone's daughter, we're all someone's son How long can we look at each other Down the barrel of a gun? You're the voice, try and understand it Make a noise and make it clear, oh-oh-whoa Oh.
Oh, sorry, mate.
Didn't hear you come in.
- I can't hear you over the music.
- Yeah, the music's a bit too loud.
Yeah, I can't hear ya, mate.
Free-balling, eh? That's risky business when you're cookin' bacon.
Yeah, when the kids were younger, we used to send them to their grandparents and Laura and I would have what we called 'Sans Clothing Days'.
Okay.
Well, I can respect that.
- I thought I'd try it again.
But, - Yeah.
it's not as much fun on your own.
No.
No, it wouldn't be.
Hey, jigsaw puzzles.
They're a bit more fun in the buff.
Yeah, and a whole lot more fun when you do it in the buff with your missus.
Yeah, well, we didn't do jigsaw puzzles.
Right.
Well, mate, I've got two favours to ask.
Okay.
First one, how do you feel about being my best man? - Oh, I'd love to.
I'd be honoured.
- Oh, maybe not, 'cause - Oh, just - Yeah.
Ooh.
Oh, strewth.
Okay.
Uh - What's the second favour? - Um, I need protection, mate.
From Groomspiel.
I thought you weren't having one of those.
Yeah, I know, I know.
I've told them so many times.
No.
No.
No! Oi! So you want me to reiterate, tell them it's not happening? That's not gonna work.
No, I need you to tell me if you hear anything, okay? 'Cause I think they're gonna try and spring it on me when I least expect it.
And, George, I'm just I'm just so on edge.
- Morning! - Hey! I gotta get back to Trace but just, let me know if you hear anything, yeah? - Of course.
- Sorry.
Am I interrupting? No, no, no, no, your timing's spot on.
Although, if you had have got here any earlier, you would've seen George cooking in the nude.
I'll see ya later, mate.
I got you a coffee in case you wanted one.
- Thank you.
- Nude cooking, eh? Yeah, well, it's what empty nesters do, isn't it? I don't know, I don't think Billy's ever going to move out.
It's good that you're lining your stomach ahead of a day of manly behaviour.
- Groomspiel is today.
Yeah, it is.
- Today? It can't be.
No, I'm going to Big Mac's, he's got a 'planning meeting'.
His place is the traditional launch pad of Groomspiel.
Okay.
Woody was just saying he's terrified.
Should we warn him? Groomspiel's happening whether Woody wants it or not.
- Okay.
- So, your job is not to warn him but to help him live through it.
Okay.
Well, I'll make sure that he keeps both of his eyebrows.
This isn't a juvenile stag night, George.
It's Groomspiel.
So today, I will take care of Tracey and you, look after your mate, okay? That's the best we can do.
Okay.
Empty nesters.
Definition, parents whose children have moved out of home to begin their own adult lives.
They say that empty nest syndrome can be the beginnings of mid-life anxiety.
I say, bring it on.
The chance to re-live the hedonistic, care-free, responsibility-free days of my youth, starting with a good old-fashioned stag do.
Hey, this is Woody.
Leave us a message.
How am I supposed to warn you about the Groomspiel when you won't answer your phone? It's today, Woody.
Today.
I reckon George is gonna be a good best man, you know, 'cause he's a responsible kind of guy, you know? Yeah.
Nah, he's the right guy.
- You're lucky.
- Oh, you still haven't decided? It's just that if I ask Fiona, Katie might get upset.
If I ask Katie, Fiona might get upset.
- Yeah.
- I wish I had a sister.
What, just so she could be your bridesmaid? My sister would be a great bridesmaid.
Yeah, if you had one.
Actually, what does this sister look like? Is she, uh, she older than you or is she a little bit A little bit younger? - Dork! - Come on, you love it.
Oh.
- Sorry, Pops.
- Hey.
Sorry.
Don't mind us.
We're just having a little bit of a morning canoodle.
- Woody! Don't embarrass her! - What? Can I get you anything? Some toast, juice? - Oh, I'm okay.
- Yeah, she can help herself, Trace.
Yeah, of course, sorry.
You don't need me waiting on you.
I'm just not really a breakfast person, so Oh, yeah, sweet.
- Woody! - What? Right.
Ahh, yeah.
Um, Pops, breakfast, it's the most important meal of the day.
So, yeah, you probably shouldn't skip it.
Okay.
Is the Groomspiel on? George has been summoned to the McNamara residence.
Those goons just can't help themselves.
Well, it is a celebration of manliness, what do you expect? - Not a lot.
- Yeah, but your view is clouded by the fact that your ex-husband's Groomspiel ended up with him in the Stafford drunk-tank for the night.
Boys will be boys, and idiots idiots.
- Hey.
- We are fleeing.
I'm not entirely sure what from exactly, but we're definitely fleeing.
Good luck.
It's like we've moved to Twin Peaks.
- Morning, George.
- Morning.
Welcome to Groomspiel.
I didn't think this would be your kind of thing.
Oh me, I'm not participating.
I'm what you might call a safety officer.
Oh.
Yeah, on that note, I'm gonna need your keys.
So I can't escape? No.
For your own safety.
Yeah, great.
So, there's a cup of green tea by the pool, if you want it.
Green tea? Go crazy.
There's no drinking before gunfire, George.
That's the rule.
Gunfire? George.
Welcome.
Big Mac.
Lads.
- George.
- George.
Sorry about the pretext, but some guys shy away from the idea of Groomspiel.
Grooms, mainly, from what I can gather.
They all see the light.
Eventually.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Only me.
Hey, Tracey.
Poppy.
Woody.
Come on, mate, time to go.
- Go where? - That job.
Well, we don't have a job on today, mate.
I think we do.
I'm not going anywhere with you, Smiler.
- I think you are.
- Hey! Okay.
All right, all right.
Hey! All right, all right.
Hey, hey, hey.
It's only for one day.
And then you and Tracey can look forward to a long and happy life together.
Why does he have to do this thing? That's what I don't get.
- It's tradition, Tracey.
- Come on, Woody.
You'll rest a lot easier once it's out of the way.
And the wedding's not for another week.
- Yeah.
- Resistance is futile, you know it.
You've been to these things before.
Yes, and I don't want mine to end up like Robbie's.
It won't, because no one wants to live through that again.
And it wasn't entirely my fault, just for the record.
All right.
Well, look, I leave all my possessions to both of you, all right? 50/50.
I love ya! Hello? George.
- Hello, Tracey.
- You're there, aren't you? At the Groomspiel.
They have kidnapped Woody! I did try and warn him but he didn't answer his phone.
This isn't good, George.
Look, Tracey, they're just all sitting around drinking green tea.
Maybe it's not as bad as you think.
I mean, we are all grown-ups after all.
You're Woody's best man.
It is your best-manly duty to make sure that he he survives today.
George! No communication with the outside world! - Promise me, George.
- I promise.
- Whatever it takes.
- Whatever it takes.
Hello? Anyone home? Oh, jackpot! Dad's just done the shopping.
What do you feel like? There's bread.
Salad stuff.
Hummus.
Pesto.
Ooh, what about this big, beautiful hunk of meat? I thought you were vegan.
Oh, no, that's just a rumour I started so I didn't have to eat Dad's gag-bol.
Let's roast this bad boy.
I'm not really that good a chef.
That's more Dad and Arlo's thing.
No sweat.
I can find my way around a kitchen.
Great.
Well, you get started and I'll deal with the washing.
They took him.
And he went? After everything he said.
Didn't give him much choice.
Right.
You're coming with me.
And you.
Let's get you ready.
Yeah.
G'day, Big Mac.
- How you goin', boys? - Woody.
Um, hey, I was thinking, why don't we go for the record, fastest Groomspiel ever? Just knock it on the head by lunchtime.
The Groomspiel takes as long as the Groomspiel takes.
Yeah, I was worried you were gonna say something like that.
Gentlemen, we are born to hunt and fight, until the day we meet the woman, or these days, sometimes the man, who can tame us, turn us into actual, almost fully evolved human beings.
But until that time, we celebrate the bastard within and we honour the one about to be tamed.
Bring forth the Kopfhut.
ALL: Kopfhut! The what, what? The crown that tames the stag.
The literal translation is 'head hat'.
Come on, you don't actually expect me to wear that, are you? Hey! To the Stagmeister! ALL: The Stagmeister! Let sports begin! So, the Groomspiel is underway? - Why do you think we're here? - Apart from the good food, obviously.
They've taken him.
Then let's get this show on the road.
You know what? I wouldn't mind a quiet night.
No way.
If they get to have their stupid tradition, so do we.
- Transport is sorted.
- It's like a hen's party thing.
- Yeah, I guessed.
- And you can come.
Nah, I'm good.
I think I'll just hang at home.
Or you can hang out with us.
Yeah, we'll probably head to my place and figure something out from there.
- And the more, the merrier.
- If that's okay.
Yeah.
Pull! You missed them both, Tom.
What if they'd been fleeing criminals? Lucky we live in a civilised society, isn't it? - Righto, who's next? - Me! No, no.
Not after you almost killed Robbie at his Groomspiel.
Well, that was an accident.
You're the designated puller until I say otherwise.
I have paid my dues.
Robbie un-best-manned-Ed me.
Never been best man before.
George, you're up.
I might just sit this one out, thanks, Big Mac.
At the Groomspiel, all men must compete.
- Except me.
- You'll get your chance.
George, you're up.
Pull! - Hey, Georgy! - Impressive, George.
Woody.
Oh, I'm not really into blood sports, mate.
The groom is the person who shoots last at every Groomspiel.
- ALL: Groomspiel.
- Righto.
Okay.
You can take your hat off to shoot, Woody.
- Oh, okay, yeah.
- Here, give it here.
- Pull! - It gets worse.
Righto.
And the score so far, George is on two, I'm on one.
Everyone else is on zero.
Well done, George.
- Beginner's luck.
- A toast.
This is where Robbie's do started to go downhill.
Even more when Monty almost blew his own head off.
Oh, no, they're doing shots.
I can't do this to Trace, man.
Not after everything that happened in Australia.
We raise our glasses to the sky, to celebrate the bastards who have gone before.
To the fallen! ALL: To the fallen! - On ya, mate.
On ya.
- You're welcome.
As an empty nester, you're free.
Free of responsibility, free to make stupid decisions.
Like drinking your mate's shots so he can safely make it down the aisle to start on his journey to the next stage of life.
That boy of yours is a smart one, George.
He does you proud.
Thank you.
You're okay with him spending so much time here? Yeah, fine.
It's good to have the two of them there injecting a bit of life into the place.
You can send him back any time you want, you know.
What, are you getting bored of your own company already, George? No, no, no.
Not at all.
You're in the back.
Age gets to ride up front.
Smells even worse than it was for Robbie's.
I maintain this is not an entirely safe mode of transport.
Men need to travel in a manly vehicle, Tom.
It's tradition.
Yeah, so was dunking witches, but we've done okay without that one.
Don't you guys have, like, your own place to infest these days? We came on a food raid.
Then we thought we'd cook something here.
But then that turned out to be hard work.
- So we took a rest.
- Also, you can't cook.
Then we decided we'd wait for Dad to come home, when he'd be so happy to see us, he'd cook for us.
Yeah, that's not gonna happen today.
Hey, you can cook.
Cook for us.
Yeah, there's a lamb hoof thingy over there.
- Do you mean a leg of lamb? - Yeah, that.
Cook it.
- What, because you just tell me to? - Come on, Arlo.
Impress your girlfriends with your flash culinary skills.
We could go back to Grandpa's place.
They're probably halfway to Stafford by now.
- Nah, it's okay.
I'll stay and cook.
- Yay! I can help if you want.
I used to cook in the pub all the time.
Yeah.
Okay.
Great.
Well, shall we crack into it? - Oh, guys, I don't know about this.
- A couple of drinks, that's all.
- And dancing.
- Mmm, and dancing.
And, if you're lucky I think that that is enough on the 'and' front.
Come on, it'll be fun.
- Maybe not.
- Kia Ora, ladies.
- Hello.
- Ngahuia, hi.
Well, I could not miss Tracey's farewell to single life.
I presume it involves that monstrosity pulling up outside.
It's here.
Yes! It's pretty big for the six of us, don't you think? Maybe we'll pick up a few extras on the way, if you know what I mean.
All aboard, ladies.
Oh, hello, driver! A stripper pole.
Classy.
Once upon a time, I would have worked the living daylights out of one of these bad boys.
Remember the last time we were on one of these together? I'll give you a clue.
You were my maid of honour.
Yes, I remember.
Well, you were the sensible one.
Not marrying him like I did.
- What? - You never noticed that before? - The missing apostrophe.
- No, I haven't.
Stafford's famous for its punctuation crimes.
Once you see them, they're everywhere.
They like to replace 'S's with 'Z's in Stafford, for some reason.
More than they like apostrophes, clearly.
And the concept of using the exclamation mark once, at the end of the sentence? Beyond them.
- To the fallen! - ALL: To the fallen! And once more, as we summon the spirit of the great Berserkers, as we go into battle.
Okay! Time to liven things up a bit.
Let's play Never Have I Ever.
- Do we have to? - Yes, we do.
That'll be so much fun on the waters.
- I don't know what that is.
- It's a drinking game about honesty.
So, for example, if I were to say, "Never have I ever had a one-night stand," all those people who have had one-night stands have to drink.
Okay, Brenda, you're up first.
Never have I ever had sex in my place of work.
Yep.
You've had sex in the SuperStore? I think this baby might have been conceived there.
Okay.
Ngahuia, you're up.
Never have I ever stolen my best friend's guy.
I didn't steal him, he'd already moved on.
Okay, that got dark really quickly.
Tracey, rescue us.
Never have I ever made love to a man on the dining room table, on a jigsaw puzzle we'd just done together in the nude.
Okay, a little bit too specific there, Trace.
Katie.
Never have I ever been pregnant on my wedding day.
Okay.
You know what? Let's scrap that game.
We'll just keep eating and drinking, shall we? - Yeah! - God, I hope Woody's okay.
- Self-destruct now, do it right - Self-destruct - Self-destruct - Make it feel so good.
Woody, ya tool! - Self-destruct - Take it now - I gotta give it to ya - Self-destruct No more! Nah, no more.
I'm done.
Most of the time he just tries to be my friend.
But every now and then, he thinks, "Hold on, I'm the dad so I better act like one.
" Yep.
Woody as a father, that's still a concept I'm trying to wrap my head around.
Like, the other day, I hadn't finished my homework and he started telling me off about it Hey, check this out.
Woody kind of realises halfway through telling me off - and it throws him.
- Yeah, I bet.
- He has no idea, does he? - Not a clue.
- Is it over yet? - Just one more game.
Hang in there.
Oh, yeah, that's easy for you to say.
Everyone thinks it's funny to shoot the groom.
It hurts, George.
- Yeah, I know, I know.
- Comrades.
- Monty.
- But who is the best comrade? - That's the question.
- Sorry? Or best man, you might say, when not in the heat of battle.
- I think it's gonna be you, George.
- [HORN.]
Battle stations, gentlemen.
Let's seize the day and seize the flag! Yeah, let's do it! Seize the flag! Ow! Monty! - I'm on your side, you idiot! - Oops.
Friendly fire.
Come on, men! You just stay here, we're in safe hands.
Ahh! Dad! You got me on the butt! The condition of man, Monty, is a condition of war, everyone on everyone.
Well, you could have shot that 'everyone' instead of your own son.
Well, maybe I still will.
Bugger.
Victory! Victory! Whoo! To the fallen! And top up your glasses for our Most Valuable Player, George Turner! Do we have to? Got to even up the contest somehow, George.
Yeah! Fill 'em up, Billy boy! All right.
To the fallen.
ALL: To the fallen! - That's it.
- You're lasting well.
By this time at Robbie's thing, he was half-cut.
I'm tough, mate.
You know, bring 'em on, I reckon, eh? - Sing it with me now.
- Tracey! Put this on.
Oh, wow, a pink veil.
Classy.
Well, it's either that or this.
Oh, I'll take that, thank you very much.
You know when I used to drive the school bus, it was always the naughty kids that sat up the back.
That would be about right.
You and Ngahuia kinda need to kiss and make up, huh? I guess I could say sorry for the beetroot incident.
But the thing is, if I'm honest, I'm not sorry about the rest of it.
She and Zac were over.
And thanks to Mr Fertility, pretty much the first time we, you know, I got Billy out of it.
- So how can I be sorry about that? - Yeah.
You're lucky.
He's a great kid.
I'm sorry that you and Robbie didn't have any kids.
I'm not.
I mean, yes, the kid part.
But I mean, I want a child more than anything.
But I'm glad it wasn't with him 'cause otherwise he'd still be in my life.
Zac really knocked you up the first time? Mmm.
That's how it works with him.
Katie! Get down here! - Come on, hurry up! - Come on, you! Whoo! Any more of these and I will be the fallen.
Mate, you are a dead-set legend.
You're the best, mate.
You are.
In golf, I think, George, you may have met your match, for I am the McNamara family golfing champion.
There you go, George 'The Best' Turner.
Beat that.
Good one, Monty! That was That was just luck, Monty.
You're a good mate to Woody.
Taking one for the team.
You've noticed? Yeah, well, I'm more observant than most.
Yeah, well, any time you want to take one for the team, just sing out.
You're doing such a good job.
Oh! How's the empty nesting going? Oh, it has its up-side.
Peace and quiet.
Overrated.
Ike wanted to move out a year ago.
The caravan was a compromise.
He can come and go as he pleases and I get the peace and quiet without the loneliness.
Plus, get this, I get to charge him board.
Win-win.
Well, now you've got Ngahuia hanging around.
Yeah, well, we can't win them all.
Shouldn't stop you, though.
Stop me what? Finding someone to fill the void now the kids are gone.
It's a shame Poppy didn't want to come.
Would she really want to hang around with us lot? - Ngahuia throwing her weight around.
- Yeah.
Might have been a bit boring for her.
Is everything all right with you two? She seems like a lovely kid.
Oh, she is.
So polite.
And quiet, and I don't think she likes me.
- What? What's not to like? - I don't know.
I don't really know what I'm doing, Katie.
Like, does she want me to be her mum? Or her friend? Or, what does she want me to be? If anything.
How's Woody handling it? He's really relaxed.
Like you need to be.
Poppy's probably a bit homesick.
Strange new land, strange new people.
Didn't you feel a bit like that when you first got here? Yeah, I did.
And then someone started a conversation with me while I was buying milk and invited me to book club.
And here we are today, getting ready for your wedding.
Come on, Bridie, enough gossiping in the loo.
Let's go get pampered.
- Come on.
- Okay.
So, how long are you back for? Well, that depends, in part, on Ike.
And how is my little brother going with his self-discovery? Making progress.
- What's the other part? - Sorry? You said Ike was only part of the reason that you're here.
Oh, there's always plenty going on around here, Fiona.
You know that.
Not really.
Well, certainly enough to keep me here for the foreseeable future.
I'm hungry.
George! George! George! I swear, it was all luck!! It was all luck.
Now, men, we need to consider our dining options.
Hen gets to choose the restaurant.
The Groomspieler shall decide where we will hunt.
Groomspiel! Groomspiel! There's this new Mongolian barbecue place that Woody and I were keen to try.
Trace and I read about this new Mongolian barbecue place.
Okay.
Mongolian barbecue it is, then.
Whatever that is.
And then, clubbing.
But is it authentic Mongolian? Yeah, I heard it was more North Chinese rather than Mongolian.
What's wrong with New Zealand barbecue? The Stafford Steakhouse! The Stafford Steakhouse it is.
Let's go there! This is great.
You two make an awesome team in the kitchen.
- Uh, I helped, too.
- Oh, yeah.
Sorry, Lindsay.
You cut up stuff real good.
Great work.
Seriously, this is really good.
Best lamb ever.
Aren't you, like, a vegan? I am.
I'm one of the special vegans allowed to eat meat.
This gravy is, like, sublime.
I used to make it for the Sunday roast at the pub.
So, what roast did you do there? Kangaroo? Don't knock roo until you've tried it.
The best sort is if you get one that's been run over by an 18-wheeler.
It's already kinda tenderised.
I'm kidding.
Hey, Poppy.
Um, can I've a word? Um, sure.
That was a great dinner.
Thank you.
Thanks.
But your brother did most of the work.
Yeah, but with you beside him, you made a good team.
He's not a bad guy, eh? For a ginga.
Yes.
From my limited experience, he's a nice guy.
Well, you could do a lot worse around here.
I mean, Billy's nice, in a boy-man kind of way.
Lindsay's brother, Jared, is a mini version of his creepy dad, avoid.
And Ollie, from the servo, definitely avoid.
What I'm trying to say is, Weld has a limited gene pool, so if you find someone you connect with, you should go for it.
Arlo's girlfriend seems nice, too.
We wanna know why you and your stupid sister don't just go back to Aussie.
Tell your sister she's a skank.
Buddy this, buddy.
Yeah.
I'm the new girl here.
So even if I did have feelings for Arlo, which I don't, it would be social suicide for me to nick someone else's boyfriend.
The smell! I swear, it's evolved.
It grows on ya.
Yeah, that's what I fear.
Why? Why? The apostrophe? Before the 'Z'? 'Nite' with an 'E'? All of it.
Only the good people of Stafford know.
You're not coming in? You know how they say about not being seen dead in certain places? That's one of them.
Have fun.
I feel the dance is strong in me tonight.
I took lessons, you know.
So if you ever need, like, for me to be at a wedding party, for example, - I reckon I could really - Nobody cares, Monty.
- So, who did Robbie get? - Huh? After he un-best-manned you? - Oh.
- Bill Junior? Some guy from Auckland.
Knew him all of five minutes.
Apparently, he was a better man than me all along.
- Most men are.
- Oh, Monty! I don't think you know who we are.
$10 cover charge unless you're a chick.
'Chicks'? What is this? 1960? I'll take care of the cover charge, boys.
In you go.
Woody.
Woody.
You know how I've been doing you a favour all day? Well, now it's your turn.
This doesn't involve me being in there for you when you have a spew, does it? No.
No, Woody, it does not.
Well, whatever.
Anything for the best best man ever.
- Hang on.
- What the Ngahuia.
- Oh, god.
- Woody? - Trace! - Hey! This is the Groomspiel.
You cannot be here! This is a nightclub, Bill.
Anyone of age can be here.
And we got in free, 'cause we're 'chicks'.
And we were here first.
The bride at the Groomspiel is bad luck! Yeah, but I wasn't at Robbie's Groomspiel, and look what happened there.
- You stay away.
- Happy to.
Okay, do not, do not interact with them.
Okay, I just need to talk to Woody for No, Tracey.
This is bigger than you now.
Come on.
- Can I just have a quick word - No, no, no, Woody! You are in Groomspiel.
You're with us tonight, not her.
Groomspiel! Groomspiel! - Trace! Trace! Trace! - Get him back there.
- Do you need a hand with the dishes? - Cooks never clean.
- House rule.
- Okay.
Right.
- Then I might split.
- Bye, Poppy.
You shouldn't be walking home alone at night.
Arlo, be a mate and make sure Poppy gets home safe.
- It's Weld.
She'll be fine.
- I'm totally cool.
Arlo, be a gentleman.
- Okay.
Yeah, sure.
- Oh, you really don't - No arguments.
- Actually, we should be going, anyway.
You don't want to stay and help us with the dishes, Lindsay? I'm fine.
Thanks.
- See you, guys! - See ya.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Do we really have to do all these dishes? We could do it in the morning.
I'll leave a note for Dad.
Works for me.
- Am I the right man? - Eh? I mean, you and me, we're friends, we're new friends.
New-ish, you know.
God, how many shots have I had? Best men should be old friends.
- You reckon? - Yeah.
So, think about this.
Who is your oldest friend here? Who have you known since you first came to Weld? Someone who is very keen, almost desperate, to be your guy.
- Right.
Smiler! - Someone else.
Someone very obvious.
Oh, got ya.
But hang on, can - can women be best men? - What? Hannah.
Hannah, you know, 'cause we're great, you know, surfing buddies.
Let's just say in this case, no.
Try again.
- Zac? - No.
- Tom? - No! Please don't say Bill Junior.
No! But you're getting warmer.
Yeah.
Of course.
Hey! Here he is, the Groomspiel and his best man.
I salute you.
Hey, cheers, mate.
But you actually got that a little bit wrong.
Gosh, Monty gets it wrong again.
How surprising is that? No, no, no.
Monty, George is not my best man.
You are, mate.
- I am so not your best man.
- Yeah, Monty, you are.
This isn't a pity best-manning, is it? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'll take it because being a best man is my life-long ambition.
Monty, look, I love George, right? He's a good friend.
A new friend that I've had the pleasure of getting to know since he's arrived in our little hamlet.
But, on reflection, mate, best man duties, that's for the old friends.
And when I first moved to Weld, many, many moons ago, who's the first guy I met? - Was it me? - Bloody oath it was.
When I didn't know anyone, you took me under your wing - and you showed me around.
- I did do that, didn't I? Monty, you found me a place to live; you got me my first job, which I promise I am going to finish one day.
No.
Nah.
Monty, because of you, mate, I am where I am today.
That's why I want you to be my best man.
Yeah! Well, gentlemen, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to celebrate, with a dance that I call the Dance of the Best Man.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Hey, nice speech.
Listening to myself say all that, I don't know why I didn't think to ask him in the first place.
Whoo-hoo! Go, Monty! Hey! - The Groomspiel's getting away! - Sean, Sean, Sean, now is not the time to be a whistle-blower.
But he's Okay.
Fair call.
- What do we do now? - Um Hey, you fellas need a lift back to Weld? Yes, Ike, we do.
All right, climb in, then.
Ikey! Hang on, hang on, what about the others? There's room on the party bus.
Yeah, okay.
- Ike, you're a legend.
- Dear god, what is that smell? Have you been up to the Heads yet? You have to check it out, especially at sunset.
It is a little bit of a hike but totally worth it.
We should get some fish and chips, maybe, like, next weekend.
Actually, isn't there a surf club party, or something coming up next week? Okay, this is me.
Was that weird? The way she just kind of The oldies won't be home for ages.
- We can do whatever we want.
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You're not dancing.
No, I dance on the inside.
Yeah, I can see that.
Hey, um, I need to talk to you.
- Yeah, sure.
Fire away.
- No, not in here.
Come on.
You must think this is the worst Groomspiel ever.
Humans aren't meant to be alone, George.
If you put men and women together, this is what should happen.
To our fallen.
To our fallen.
Until the next Groomspiel, George.
Maybe it'll be yours.
Or yours.
- What the hell? - You all right there? No, I'm not, actually.
Look, I get that punctuation and grammar aren't everyone's cup of tea, but seriously, this has got to be some kind of a joke.
- Is there a problem here? - Yes.
Do you want a list? You can't kick me out for noticing crimes against the English language! I shouldn't of let you in in the first place.
Did you say shouldn't 'of'? It's shouldn't 'have'! - Hey, Monty, can you give us a sec? - But I'm on fire.
Yeah, can you be on fire somewhere else? We need to make this right.
You and me.
What happened.
We do.
Yeah, but you need to know that I'm not sorry about it.
I mean, I'm sorry that we're not friends anymore, but I'm not about Zac.
You guys were emotionally dead and buried when I, you know, with him.
Yeah, I know.
I was just too proud to admit it at the time.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, I got you this.
- I don't really like frothy cocktails.
- Yeah, I know.
It's not for drinking.
It's for you to throw at me, to make up for the beetroot incident.
And that way we're equal and we can, oh! Oh, my god! You could have given me some warning! - Right, you, out.
- But she threw the drink at me! In my experience, the one wearing the drink always started it.
Oh, she totally started it.
I just got kicked out of the worst bar in Stafford.
So did I.
Come on.
Okay.
Good talk.
Wasn't what I was expecting but I thought it'd be great having the place to myself.
- Doing what I want, when I want.
- Cooking naked.
Yeah, fun in theory, but I won't be making a habit of that.
Getting thrown out of bars.
Yeah, well, that'll teach them to mess with this Grammar Nazi.
But, it's just not what I imagined, I suppose.
I always thought I'd be alone, with someone.
Alone.
- With someone.
- I get it.
Yeah, I'm a bit drunk.
What happened to your top? Oh, I guess you could call it a peace offering.
- Okay.
You must be freezing.
- Yeah, it is getting quite chilly.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How's it? Best Groomspiel ever! Groomspiel, cha, cha, cha! Groomspiel, cha, cha, cha! Groomspiel, cha, cha, cha! Home, James! And don't spare the horses! Groomspiel! Groomspiel! - You survived! - Oh, mate, we escaped.
- Are you doing homework? - Yeah.
On a Saturday night? Yeah, but I had dinner with Arlo, Lindsay, Shay and Siouxsie.
Oh, that sounds like it was a pretty good night.
Yeah, I guess.
It was a little bit weird.
I don't know.
Yeah, this town, Pops, the people in it, they can get a bit weird.
- But, you get used to it, I promise ya.
- Okay.
And the homesickness thing? It goes.
It's perfectly normal.
New town, new country, new friends, new step-mum.
Step-mum? I think that's what I am.
Is it? If you wanna be.
Yeah.
I do.
- You didn't sign up for a stepdaughter.
- Well, no.
But it's actually pretty convenient for me because I was trying to figure out who to have as my bridesmaid.
See, there's Fiona and Katie, but I can't ask one without offending the other.
- So, how about it? - How about - Would you be my bridesmaid? - Really? I can't think of anything more perfect.
Wake up, wake up Get up, get up Get out of bed, stop wasting time.
Virgin Mary.
Didn't stop her getting pregnant, either.
They'll all crash out soon.
Then we can do what we want.
Yeah.
Cool.
- Stupid, stupid, stupid.
- Ooh! Who's stupid? - Oh, I am.
- Mmm.
Tell me more.
Nothing.
Just drank too much, that's all.
- Wasn't that the whole point? - You want a coffee? Please.
Well, I, for one, thought last night went really well.
It's a party 'Cause you said a change was gonna come, come, come Wake up, wake up Get up, get up Get out of bed Stop wasting time.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, my god.
This is exactly how I imagined you looking this morning.
What, you heard about the Groomspiel? No.
What's a Groomspiel? Something I donated my liver to, to save a friend.
Hmmm.
I sent you something last night, didn't I? - Yes, you did.
- I sent you a column.
The word 'diatribe' more springs to mind.
You don't like Stafford very much, do you? It being the place where, "Inbred people clearly go to breed with other inbred people" to create people so inbred the only way "they could be more inbred is by breeding with themselves.
" Which, I have to say, is somewhat extreme, given that this column seems to be about punctuation.
Well, in my defence, it was very late at night.
Yet, remarkably, it is exactly 800 words.
I vaguely remember it.
If only you achieved this through editing it so that it ends, mid-sentence, on the word 'crapulent'.
- I'll write you another one today.
- Or I could just print this one.
I mean, it is brilliant but it'll get you fired and you'll never be able to go to Stafford again.
Another one.
You look like crap, George.
Get some sleep.
- After you've sent me a new column.
- Bye.
The empty nest should be a celebration.
You've done your job, you've raised your kids, you've sent fully functioning humans off into the world.
But the thing about the empty nest is, I'm sure it's not meant to be this empty.
I thought there'd be two people, together, alone, alone together.
But she's gone and they're gone and it's just me.
Hey, wakey, wakey, Georgy! It lives! Woody said you'd be in a state today.
Hey, I brought you a care package.
Painkillers.
Gotta get some glucose in you, mate.
Carbs and salt so you can eat your way to a better you! Okay.
George, we've had a preliminary wedding meeting.
And, as best man, I'm just gonna be handing out chores for the day.
No, Monty.
Monty, let him catch his breath, all right? He had a rough day yesterday.
Woody said you were amazing, by the way.
Give the truckies at mum's pub a run for their money, by the sound of it.
Respect for that.
Let's crack these bad boys.
I'm starvin'! All right.
Get into it.
Yep, the empty nest thing.
Turns out it's for the birds.
Is that Monty? Hey.
Hey, guys.
- How's the surf? - Good, good.
You all right, mate? Yeah, good, thank you.
Good, yeah.
Yeah, just saw you here and thought, "Oh, there's George and Woody.
" - Hey, George, can I have a word? - Oh, yeah.
Well, - hey, I'll catch ya later, yeah? - Yeah.
- See ya, Monty.
- Okay, see ya later.
Everything okay? Quite frankly, no.
This wedding is going to be a disaster.
Help me, George.
Please.
Help me.
You'd know what it's like, wouldn't you? I mean, you've had writers block, wouldn't you? It's just a speech Monty, it doesn't mean the whole wedding It is the most important speech of the day.
It shouldn't be hard for me.
I'm a real estate agent, right.
Part of my job is to write copy.
I mean, I write good copy.
Do you actually know the story of the Emperor's new clothes? It means that they're flash.
Like this three bedroom home.
Dad's a little stressed right now.
You try being a best man, writing speeches, looking after rings, while managing holiday rentals! For the fourth time, I'm not doing the holiday rentals.
I'm a receptionist, not a cleaner.
- We all muck in here.
- What does it involve? Changing linen, airing, dusting.
Why, are you interested? I know someone who might be.
Someone who was raiding my fridge last night, complaining she was broke.
- Brilliant! - Who? I'll get that underway right now.
- There you go, Dad.
All sorted.
- Who? - Let's see what you've got so far.
- Huh? - The speech? - Oh, right.
So I was up all night.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
So I think maybe it should say, - "Kilda, ladies and gentlemen.
" - Look, think about what you need to do in the speech.
Toast the bridesmaids? - See you're the wordsmith, George.
- No, it's traditional to toast the bridesmaids.
Please, stay.
Help.
I've got a really busy day, Monty.
I suppose.
Maybe later.
Yes.
Yes.
Thank you.
- Morning.
- George.
- No.
- Okay.
No! - It's entertainment.
- And it's hilair.
The new interns.
- How much do we get, B-T-dubs? - The new unpaid interns.
We thought it would be a good idea to have some young'uns here for the launch of the digital News of the World.
Don't you think I can handle it? He said you were useless with technology.
I didn't use those exact Okay, I did say that.
But it'll be all right.
We go live tomorrow, and you just have to get your copy in as always.
- Tomorrow? Wedding day? - Well, we're starting with a hiss and a roar with a feel-good story about a wedding.
What's that smell? - Damp.
- Gross.
It needs airing.
Dusting and clean bedding.
So I'm a cleaner now? You're a Property Management Executive.
And it's 80 bucks a house.
And there are three to be done before tomorrow.
Show me the duster.
Tom's thinking of putting you and me on the front cover, "Local pair banned from Nite Movez.
" Oh, excuse me! What about local pair up to no good in the back of the party bus? Yeah, what's going on there? Any gossip? Oh, I don't gossip.
But Zac's pretty proud of himself, thinks he's the man.
- And Fiona? - She doesn't want to talk about it.
You okay? Must be weird walking in on your ex like that.
Yeah, well, you walked in on your ex, too.
Yeah, but it's Zac.
I just can't understand what Fiona would see in him.
This is the father of your child you're talking about.
Everyone knows I have terrible taste in men.
But Fiona, her last boyfriend was you.
- Why would you go from you to Zac? - Well, thank you.
But she didn't think you and I Because, you know, - that could've been misconstrued.
- Yes.
She did think.
But no, I told her nothing to see here.
Anyway.
I'm here to see Arlo.
I'm coordinating the internships, as you know.
And you can't find him anything? - I'm working on it.
- Come in.
There's the Boat Club in the kitchen, but that's like your job, so It's like doing my job without pay.
- Yeah, exactly.
- So what do we do? I wouldn't mind doing the Boat Club.
I've already put Poppy there.
We could both work there.
I wouldn't mind.
No, no, I'm working at finding you something.
In the meantime, - you've got the day off.
- Oh.
Okay, well, I can't complain about that.
I'm so sorry.
I feel like I'm letting him down.
Don't be silly.
You're doing your best.
I would say that he could intern at the gallery, but there's actually nothing he could do.
Katie, it's okay.
Well, I might go back to Lindsay's for a bit, so I'll see ya.
I should get going, too, but I will see you tomorrow.
Yeah.
They say true love is a story without an end.
- And it could be - Shouldn't it rhyme? Why would it rhyme? Well, like a poem? "They say true love is like a story without an end.
" "Like a walk on a beach or a beer with a friend.
" I'm just riffing here.
Sorry, no, ignore me.
You're the writer.
And a new chapter of that story begins - Monty, what are you doing? - Shoulder massage.
Eases the tension.
There is absolutely no easing of tension happening right now.
I am qualified.
My ex-wife and I, when we first started seeing each other, did an erotic massage course.
I recall it being more erotic than relaxing, so I will leave you to it.
- Yes, please.
- Go George! Wordsmith! Early morning sickness when he came around Thought it was a good fit underneath his arm Now you wanna give this a second thought I don't wanna hear this just give him a call Or could you not, could you not bare to tell him Okay you better say it, go on and say it Could you not speak so loud Could you not speak so loud Could you not speak so loud Could you not speak so loud.
Shoot! What the hell are you doing? I saw your bike outside.
And I was like, that's weird.
Why is Shay up here by herself? So you just walked in - without even knocking? - You're a cleaner now? Ollie, can you go? Hey, are you going to the wedding? I've just finished making that bed.
- Can you go? - Yep, sure.
Uhm One question.
Come with me.
- What? - To the wedding.
Or I'll go with you.
Whatever.
We'll go together.
- No.
- Why not? - Because I - You're not with Ike anymore, right? So what's stopping us? Because I don't want to.
- Because? - I don't have to give a reason.
I don't want a relationship.
At all or with me? Both.
You think you can be picky? After losing it in the SuperStore like a psycho? Okay, you need to go.
Now! Text me later, when you change your mind.
Monty, I don't have much time.
I've got work and wedding stuff to deal with, so.
Advice on writing the best man speech printed from the internet.
"Have a killer opening line.
Make a joke at the groom's expense.
" How about this, "Thank goodness Woody made it this evening", "if his wedding was anything like the fence I booked him to repair," "we'd still be here in 16 months' time.
" "Avoid any sensitive subjects.
" Let's can the fence joke.
There'll be people there still waiting for Woody to finish their jobs, too.
"Make a toast to absent friends.
" Now interestingly, that's people who aren't there on account of being too busy, not just dead Monty, Monty, I know.
I know what absent friends are, thank you.
- I'll just leave that there.
- Yeah.
What's she doing here? - Work experience.
- How do you know? - Katie told me.
- Hi, guys.
Hi.
Couple of smoothies, please.
- Berry, okay? - Yeah, ta.
So, how is everything? Are you all set for tomorrow? Dad and Tracey are really chilled.
- Living with the Principal.
Sucks.
- She's nice.
As far as step-mums go, I could've done worse.
Yeah step-mums don't really get a good rap.
Snow White's tried to have her killed.
Cinderella's didn't let her go to the ball.
Hansel and Gretel's deliberately lost them in the woods.
Yeah, you are lucky.
You have a step mum and a real mum.
- Me and Arlo don't have either.
- Yeah.
That sucks.
It's why we're so close, hey, babe.
We both get it, what it's like not to have a mum.
Ollie? This isn't funny, Ollie.
It's weird.
And creepy.
Get lost! I said leave me alone! Hey, is my, ah, is my dad here? Nah, nah, it's just me.
Getting ready for the big launch.
Hey, is your dad really as useless as they say with this kind of stuff? I don't know, sorry.
- Shay, you all right? - Yeah.
No, you're not.
I'm fine.
It's nothing to do with you anyway, 'cause you dumped me.
Shay, you know why we had to split up.
It doesn't mean I don't care for you though.
How's it going anyway? Your big search for the meaning of life? - No, that's not what - Oh, that's right.
I wouldn't know.
I wouldn't get it.
Well, guess what, Ike.
Neither do you.
Didn't realise this was a SuperStore and a Nail Salon.
- It is.
- Brenda offers manicures - for special occasions.
- Oh.
Pedi, George? I might just take these, thanks, Brenda.
- Thanks, Brenda.
I'm loving it.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
The big day.
Or we could grab a pre-drink? You and I.
I want to pick your brain.
A few of Big Mac's ideas for the new Weld.
Oh, so there's going to be a new Weld? Not just a new Weld Wide Web? Tip of the iceberg.
I'm intrigued.
And I'd love to have a drink with you, but I'm on a mission.
Oh.
- Bye.
- See ya.
- Ouch! Stubble.
- You love my stubble, don't ya? I'm just thinking of the wedding photos.
You know, you don't want to be all scruffy.
You want me to shave the beard? I love you just the way you are.
- Don't mind me.
I'll come back.
- No, take him.
Hang on a minute, why do I have to go? It's tradition.
The bride and groom always spend the night before the wedding apart.
Ancient superstition.
If the groom sees the bride in her wedding dress before the wedding, bad luck will rain down upon them.
It's just a superstition, but you're not seeing me until tomorrow.
All right.
All right.
- Ahh! - Ahh! - I thought you were at work! - I thought you were at work! - What's wrong? - I'm sorry, but I'm quitting.
Okay, this isn't about an aversion to dusting, is it? Ollie turned up at the second place.
The Harrisons? What was he doing up there? That place is in the middle of no He followed you.
What happened? I smashed his drone.
- Good! - I dunno.
Maybe I It could be my fault.
Because? Well, maybe I - I gave him the wrong idea.
- No.
Well, like you said, when he turned up at my place that day and I went for a run with him, I should've said Don't blame yourself for some jerk thinking he's owed your adoration just because you were nice to him once.
He's going to be at the wedding tomorrow.
He won't come near you.
I'll make sure of that.
- How? - I have my ways.
If you're into it.
I don't know, Siouxsie.
Just say the word, Shay, and I will make sure no sleaze-ball man ever comes near you again.
What a way to start your wedding day.
Not a care in the world, George.
- Is Tracey as relaxed as you are? - Calmest bride-to-be you've ever seen.
The wedding's going to be fine.
I mean, what could possibly go wrong? - You never heard of tempting fate? - Yeah, but with everything that's already happened, George, all the ways I've almost cocked it up, fate, she's had a go, she's done her worst.
We're good.
We got this.
At my wedding, the celebrant cancelled half an hour before the ceremony.
We managed to get a ring-in, but he'd come straight from lunch and he had this piece of parsley stuck between his teeth.
- And Laura got the giggles.
- Did she? Yeah, and she tried to get through the vows without laughing, but she failed.
Crying, giggling, and then the snorting started.
- Oh, no! - Which was contagious.
So there we were, bride and groom, killing ourselves with laughter.
The celebrant thought we were mad.
[CACKLES.]
It doesn't matter how or where.
It's the person you're standing next to.
You're going to be all right, yeah? Yeah.
Yeah.
It's a crazy thing, promising yourself to one person forever and ever until parted by death.
When you're standing there, looking into their eyes, or laughing, as the case may be, forever seems like a long time.
It's a shock to find that sometimes, it's really not.
[COUGHING, RETCHING.]
You only had one beer last night.
- Ya lightweight.
- Stage-fright.
Same thing happened before the Real Estate Awards, 2009.
Up for Best Rural Office.
Came runner-up in the end.
Hey, you're going to be sweet.
No runner up today all right, mate.
Are you sure about this? She's the woman I love.
If she wants a smooth face, she's going to get a smooth face.
Yep.
Okay, see ya there.
Yeah.
And where are you going? Newspaper office.
It's the big day.
Well, the other big day.
We're launching the website.
Hang on.
What about the speech? Completed and waiting to be printed.
On my lap-top in there.
You rock this look.
You are really making a statement.
- Which is? - Don't mess with me, D-bag.
Wait, I know what else.
My man-repelling titanium nose screw set.
You don't mind a few holes, do you? Siouxsie, I appreciate the help, I really do.
But this is not me.
- It is.
You're scary.
- But why should I have to be? Why should I dress a certain way so that guys won't hassle me? Maybe the guys should change their behaviour.
- But they won't.
- Well, they should.
We should be able to look and feel the way we want without men thinking it's for their benefit.
You make a good point.
We're taking the power back.
All right.
Wait, when you say 'we'? I mean, we.
- Sorry I'm late.
- No, no you're just in time.
- You look nice.
- Thanks, Bill.
So, we're good to go as soon as we hit that button right there.
'Publish'.
That makes sense.
Go ahead, George.
Do the honours.
- Shouldn't you do the honours? - It'd be good if someone - could do the honours.
- You're the editor.
Well, I'm also not that good with technology.
Honestly, it's just that one button.
Come on, George, you can do it.
There's not much can go wrong, mate.
All right, then.
Here goes.
- Wait, wait, wait! - What? What? 'Here goes', is that it? You've got to say a few words, George.
Hey, hey.
The music man's here.
- Hi.
Just set up in the usual place.
- Want to give me a hand? You can do it by yourself, I'm sure.
- I'd rather do it with you, babe.
- Sorry, are you hitting on Fiona? No, he isn't, he's just making conversation.
Yes, I'm hitting on Fiona, what of it? - She's never going to go for you! - Is that so? Please.
We've got a lot to do, so can we just ruddy well do it? Thank you.
And most of all, Big Mac, whose initiative this whole thing is.
Have I missed anyone? The interns! Oh, yeah, okay, the interns.
Okay, without any more mucking around, let's kick this newspaper into the digital age.
And we are live in five, four, three, two, one.
Publish! Oh, no.
Zac! What did you do? Did we blow a fuse? No.
No! - What'd I do? - You have special powers, George.
- Not good ones.
- The power pole on Blind Man's Bend, - a van's run straight into it.
- Not again.
- A car accident? That means - The volunteer fire brigade should be getting a call right about No! - Why today? - Hopefully it's nothing too serious.
Hey, ah, it's okay, Fiona.
We've got things sorted here.
What? You're going to cook all of this food with no electricity? - Is that, like, a tsunami siren? - No, it'll be a car accident.
Can't be anyone local, they'll all be getting ready for the wedding.
Yeah, except now half of them will be on their way to the crash.
Okay.
So, how do you feel about a casual, beachy look? Woody! - I was just about to shave! - A car's taken a power pole out.
Last time that happened, we had no electricity for a day.
Well, we're getting married on a beach.
So what do we need electricity for? - Right.
So we're on? - As I told ya before, Georgey.
Nothing's going to stop this wedding, mate.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Wow.
You look, um Have I seen you in a suit before? - Yeah, it's not my usual Weld-wear.
- Yeah.
- What can I do for you? - Ah, I'm just checking to see - if Tracey's good to go.
- Yes, we're good to go.
- If you guys are? - Try stopping that groom.
Great.
Okay.
Okay.
- Well, I'll see you there.
- Yes, I'll see you there.
Yeah, see ya.
People are starting to turn up.
Who is that with Shay? - Wow, is that - Oh, my God.
My cousin.
Well, well, well.
Siouxsie? What're you staring at, you gormless clack-waffle? Yep, Siouxsie.
We have no photographer, or best man.
You be the best man, and I'll be the photographer.
The show must go on.
Stones are hot, Kai is in.
Now all we need is time.
There's plenty of that.
Half the wedding's missing.
Tracey's good to go.
So Monty'll be gutted if he doesn't get to be best man.
What's going on? Some of the elderly guests - aren't feeling well.
- What elderly guests? Okay, it's me.
I could vom at any moment.
- Oh.
We should just get going.
- We can't start without him.
- I think we have to.
- Wait! Hello! Hold on.
We're all good.
Nobody was hurt in the accident.
- Except the power pole.
- And the wedding flowers.
The pole was taken down by the florist's van.
Of course it was.
Hey, here he is.
Hey, sorry for the delay, folks.
Take a seat, get comfy, we got ourselves a wedding! [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
- What's funny? - I'm just thinking about my wedding.
- And the celebrant with the teeth? - Yeah.
Whoa.
Must be hard to walk on sand dunes in heels, eh? Hey, Pops.
G'day.
We are gathered together to celebrate one of life's greatest moments.
Woody, do you take Tracey to be your wife? I do.
Do you promise to love and cherish her, forsaking all others, and hold only unto her for evermore? Yeah, I do.
Tracey.
Do you take Woody to be your husband? I do.
Do you promise to love and cherish him, forsaking all others, and hold only unto him for evermore? I do.
- We will now exchange the rings.
- Monty, you're up.
Oh, right.
- Oh, Monty! - For pity's sake, Monty.
No, we're good.
Found them! Woody and Tracey, you have agreed to live together in matrimony, have promised your love for each other by these vows and the giving of the rings.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.]
Let's have a party! Perfect.
Okay.
Yes, you did good.
I guess I'm your all-round hero today, right? Hey, um, Zac.
I owe you an apology.
At the hens do, in Nite Movez and in the party bus .
.
I was using you.
- Hey, I'm okay with that.
Use away.
- Oh, no.
No, not for your body.
Yeah, for your body, but not in that way.
- I want to have a baby.
- Say what? And I figured, you know, you're the most fertile man in Weld.
- I need to stop you right there - No, I'm not asking you to, 'cause I was wrong.
Just because a man is fertile, it doesn't mean that that's the right man for you to breed with.
Which I know that now.
And I'm very sorry.
- [LAUGHS.]
- It's not It's not funny.
Well, it kind of is.
Given I've had the snip.
After the whole Jan thing, and the twins, I thought to myself enough is enough.
So I snuck off to Stafford and got me a vasectomy.
- Oh, my God.
- But if you want to use me as practice, then the offer's there.
Got myself a wife, Georgey.
Didn't have one of these - when I got up this morning, eh.
- It looks like married life already suits you.
Both of you.
- Cheers, mate! - Cheers! Picture.
- May I? - Go on.
Excuse us.
- Oh, wow.
- Aw, no way guys.
The koru represents new beginnings, like a fern unfurling, reaching towards the light.
- Thank you, so much.
- That's awesome guys.
- Love it.
- Congrats, man.
- Cheers, buddy.
- Excuse me, everyone! Excuse me, guys.
- Um - Oi! My brother's got something to say.
It's time to go inside.
So if Mr and Mrs Woody, could lead the way? - You're kidding me.
- Oh, wow, it looks divine.
Look, look, they got them.
Relax.
Have a little bit of the OJ.
Bring that OJ over.
Full glasses, everyone.
Speeches about to start.
I think I'm going to be sick.
- No, I'm okay.
- You'll be fine.
All the best man boxes ticked thus far.
The speech will be no different.
Choosing to spend your life with just one person doesn't mean you'll never again have the experience, the thrill of falling in love.
It's the opposite.
You get to fall in love Over and over.
Year after year.
When you share a joke that only the two of you get.
When you hold your child for the very first time.
When you've just spent three days not talking and you make up and you wonder why you ever fought.
You'll fall in love again.
I'm terrible.
I cry at the drop of a hat.
When you realise you know each other inside out, and back to front and that it's better than the thrill of the new.
Because a wedding isn't about forsaking all others or making false promises.
It's about two people getting to know each other, and And It's about two people getting to know each other and hopefully becoming a mother and a father.
But if you don't breed, you'll still be delighted.
Because when you're married, love is requited.
[LAUGHTER.]
To the bride and groom.
Hey, thanks for that, mate.
Did you write that poem yourself? Yeah.
- It was beautiful.
- Thanks, Bill.
- Hey.
- Your wife was here.
Are you seeing ghosts now, too, huh? In the words of that speech.
That was written by a man who's known real love.
The part before he started rhyming.
Yeah, Laura loved weddings.
"True love is a story with no ending," she always said.
Turns out she was wrong, eh.
Whatever happens now, whatever new beginnings you might have, you'll always love her.
So your wife was right.
True love is a story with no end.
Some unexpected twists, yes, but love goes on, George.
Let's get that drink some time, eh? Hey, you two, how about the first dance? Yeah, boy! Beautiful children, you come into my life.
Just follow my lead.
- I got classes when my wife left me.
- Oh.
Monty's got some great moves.
Yeah, no.
That poor girl, she needs rescuing.
- Do you mind if I cut in? - Not at all.
Ouch.
That's got to hurt.
You're not dancing? I don't, really.
Well, it depends how many drinks on board.
- Maybe Zac's keen.
- Oh, please don't.
Sorry.
Sorry, I'm just teasing.
You know what they say about me on a dance floor? - No.
What? - Rhythm is a stranger.
But I'm prepared to risk humiliation for you.
Come on.
- Oh, go on then.
- Come on.
Beautiful children, you come into my life.
Move, please.
I could have you charged.
It's against the law to destroy someone else's property.
- Ow.
Let go! - Get your hands off her.
Love the new look, Siouxsie.
Maybe next time you should work on your personality.
Okay, do you want to check out the desserts table? - Yeah.
- Are you honestly going to let this freak interfere in our relationship? We don't have a relationship, you creep! You know, you're not so bad at this.
I haven't stepped on your toes just yet.
But I will.
Hey, George.
There's something a bit controversial that I've been - thinking about asking you.
- I'm intrigued.
George! And I don't like how you follow me around! It scares the crap out of me and you don't even care! - Leave me alone! - What's going on? What's going on? - Tell him, Ollie.
- There was a disagreement.
You thought it was okay to harass Shay and we disagreed? She vandalised my property.
But if she just says sorry, then I can drop it, and we can all just move on.
- Harass her how? - Dad, don't.
I just want to I just want to go.
Ollie.
Not this carry-on again.
Well, I guess I'll be pressing charges then.
I'll deal with him on Monday.
Let's just enjoy the wedding, hey.
Well, I suppose he is off-duty.
He is.
But I'll teach Ollie a lesson for free.
Who's in? - Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm in.
- You okay? - Yeah.
All right? Thanks.
- I don't even know why I was crying.
- Because you're pissed off.
- You should've said something, Shay.
- I felt bad.
Like I'd done something.
It's not your fault.
Okay.
Thank you.
What she said.
Everything okay? - Yeah.
- Where's Tom? Something needs to be done about that guy.
- Dad, no.
- It's all right, George.
It's under control apparently.
Hey, I wouldn't go in that one if I were you.
Someone had a bad curry.
Oh, thanks for the warning.
Well, we look after one another in this town.
You know that.
Yeah.
- Open up! Somebody's in here! - We know.
We decided to give you some thinking time to consider - how you treat women.
- You'll get done for this.
- This is so illegal! - Well, there's illegal and then there's a grey area.
Isn't that right, Hannah? Yeah, Ollie we know your dad wants you to take that mechanic apprenticeship in Stafford, so.
You should tell your dad that you're going to - take that apprenticeship.
- Yeah, right.
I'll do that.
Oh, well, if you don't, we'll just give you some more thinking time.
You don't actually scare me.
Yep.
Should've done that ages ago.
You're staying at home with me tonight, no question.
Well, I might go now.
I'll get Siouxsie to drop me off.
Well, just give me five minutes to say my goodbyes No, no, no, no.
You stay, enjoy yourself.
Here she is.
I'll see you at home.
Okay, I won't be long.
Come on.
All right, people, the happy couple are departing.
Wish I was going to see mountains and hobbit houses.
I'll Instagram some.
- Yeah.
Oh, am I following you? - You should.
I'm following you, Lindsay.
Lindsay's Insta's mainly just selfies and stuff.
Hey, Pops, let's hit the road! Here goes.
My first honeymoon? See ya.
Have a good time.
Hey, what's wrong? Oh, my God.
Thanks for the bloody good party! Shay's okay.
She's gone with Siouxsie.
What about you? You look like you could do with a drink.
Shay'll be okay.
She's got so many people who care about her.
- And she's got you.
- And you.
The people of this town, her friends who genuinely care.
I'm constantly amazed how lucky we are.
Me and the kids.
- That's so nice.
- Well, it's true.
When you arrive in a new place, and then everything falls apart five minutes after being there.
And everyone Everyone gathers to lift you up.
I'll never forget that.
Come home with me tonight.
Oh, God! Katie Weddings.
I cry at the speeches, and then I get carried away and I kiss people and - How many people? - .
.
proposition them! Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
- Just tell me.
- As if you don't know.
No, I honestly don't.
George.
Could we Oh, that's right.
- You wanted to ask me something.
- Yeah.
You were flirting with her! No, no, no.
I wasn't.
No way! Or at least I mean, I don't think I was.
Grandpa, can you take me home, please? Eh? I'm just about to get a port.
- Come on, Lindsay, you're being dumb.
- Dumb? You think I'm dumb? No, no, I mean you're acting dumb.
Well, that's wonderful.
I don't want anything to do with you.
I don't know how to say this, so I'm just going to You know that one of my life goals or, um, wishes is to be a mother.
- Yes.
- Okay, I'm reaching a crucial point.
There's a window, but soon, it'll be closed.
Maybe not biologically, because I know that there's a woman in France who had a baby in her 60s, but I don't I don't want to be that woman.
Last week, in the party bus with Zac, I was attempting, in a moment of madness, just drunkenness, very drunk to um Oh! Oh.
Please don't judge me.
It was the wrong way to go about things and thankfully, I realised that.
I want to have a baby, and I want to raise it by myself because I haven't met the right man yet and I am running out of time to meet the right man, and I was wondering if you'd help me.
- What, help you find the man? - No, forget about the man.
- The man is never going to show up.
- I'm sorry, - I just don't understand.
- I'm asking you to give me a baby, George.
Well, you said, after the twins, that you'd warmed to the idea, but even if you haven't I can do it by myself.
I can raise it.
Oh, shit.
You think I'm crazy.
I should never Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
- All right if I take off? - Yeah.
And, um, thank you.
Hey, Ollie should have been dealt to a long time ago.
No, I mean for everything.
You're an amazing friend.
I've never really been anyone's friend before.
- See you at home tomorrow.
- Bye.
In the end, a wedding isn't about forsaking all others, or making impossible promises.
It's about two people choosing each other and being brave, because you have to.
Because weddings are a triumph of hope over experience.
And where there is hope, there is love.
Love which will bring your life together, fill your house with a family.
And even if that life together is shorter than you ever imagined, true love is trusting that she wants you to be happy.
True love is knowing that she would want you to carry on having a future, even if it's not the one you promised to each other at the altar on your wedding day.
She'd want you to follow your heart.
Wait! 'Cause true love really is a story without an end.
Don't go.
You just took me by surprise.
But the answer is yes.