American Housewife (2016) s03e07 Episode Script

1 - Oliver, could you help with the bags? - No can do, big ballet audition coming up.
Can't risk an injury.
I can guarantee you an injury if you don't bring in this damn bag.
[Trunk closes.]
Are we really gonna let Oliver go off to that ballet boarding school? [Sighs.]
I don't know.
We've really been kicking the can down the road on this one.
Now we're all out road.
I guess there's only one thing we can do.
- Tonya Harding him? - What?! No.
Let him audition and support him no matter what happens.
We definitely have different parenting styles.
[Alarm beeping.]
What's the code for the new alarm? The same code we use for everything 4673.
- [Buttons beeping, dings.]
- Why did we even get an alarm? Are we afraid someone's gonna break in and steal our poverty? Well, it's interesting.
The landlord installed it to lower our insurance Huh, turns out I don't care.
Where did 4673 come from? It was your Dad's code when we were dating, and then after we got married, I started using it for my pin, and now it's code to everything in our lives.
- But what does it mean? - I don't know.
I always thought it was just a bunch of numbers.
Greg, what does 4673 mean? KATIE: Was that his "I'm caught" face? It stands for April 6th, 1773, the day of the Boston Tea Party.
That's not right.
The Boston Tea Party was December 16th, 1773.
Oh, look, toothpaste.
- I better put it away before it melts.
- Mm.
He's clearly hiding something about that code, and I'm gonna find out what because in this house, only I can have secrets.
But a hell of a lot to get outta skid People tell me there's not a way outta skid But believe me, I gotta get outta skid row [Applause.]
You guys sound great together.
It's all Taylor.
She is amazing.
You should be playing Audrey, not stuck as Plant Bud #3.
So, what's this play about? Oh, Pierce plays Seymour, who is madly in love with Audrey, and he will do anything he can to be with her, even getting rid of her boyfriend by feeding him to a killer plant.
[Chuckles.]
Audrey's boyfriend must be such a dope! - [Chuckles.]
- If that were me, I'd be like, "Dude! Stop hanging out with my girlfriend!" All right, you guys, I'll see you guys later.
You guys have great chemistry.
[Chuckles nervously.]
Grandma you want to play Pandemic? It's so fun.
We have to work together to find a cure for a disease before it destroys the world.
I'll pass.
What are you doing? She wants to spend time with you.
Well, then she should ask me to do something I find interesting.
Pushing through an Ambien and going online shopping is not really her jam, so you're gonna have to come up with another way to bond with her.
[Chuckling.]
Like what? I mean, the other two I get.
The blond one's pretty, and the boy loves money, and those things are in my wheelhouse, but Anna-Kat and I don't really have anything in common.
And besides, I don't have time.
Some delinquent has been stealing my eye cream packages from the front steps, so now I have to sit here and wait for it to come.
I know what you guys could do together.
You could have a stakeout to see who's stealing the eye cream.
Yeah, we can use the new doorbell cam to catch us a porch burglar with beautiful under eyes.
I wou I would, but That's why you're here to spend quality time with your grandchildren.
Otherwise, I don't know, go buy a tent and live in the woods, make margaritas with your own urine.
- Stakeout it is.
- Awesome! So, I was thinking, it's weird you got the date wrong for the Boston Tea Party, being a history professor and all.
Oh, just 'cause I'm a history professor, I'm supposed to know all the dates? Do dancers know all the dances? I bet Baryshnikov doesn't know how to do the Electric Slide.
Greg, what does "4673" mean? [Sighs.]
[Chuckles.]
This interrogation can be quick and easy, or it could last all night.
You think about how you want to play it.
[Sighs.]
It spells out "hope" on a keypad.
Like, "Star Wars: A New Hope," "or hope springs eternal," my favorite phrase.
"Hope" that answers your question.
[Forceful laughing.]
Greg, why does it spell "hope"? Because when I got a bank card in college, I had a crush on a girl named Hope.
That's it.
Who I then asked out and she said yes.
So we went out and continued to do so for two years.
- Two years?! - That's not that long! Don't tell me it's not that long! For a reality star, that is a baby, a marriage, a divorce, and a launch of a lifestyle brand! This is why I didn't want to tell you.
Because I knew you'd overreact.
Naw, I'm cool, bruh.
I'm not overreacting.
You've seen me overreact.
Taylor, if you don't care enough about your shoes to put them away, then you don't deserve to have shoes! - Hi, Greg.
- Hey, Katie.
So how did it end between you and this Hope woman? It doesn't matter.
If it doesn't matter, then tell me.
Fine, we went out for two years, I thought she was "the one.
" Then she dumped me and broke my heart.
- Where is she now? - I don't know.
I don't know, and I don't care.
I married you.
Honey, I promise you.
This code is no big deal.
It is a huge deal! Huge! I can't believe Greg would even date a girl named Hope.
- Ugh, It's so trashy.
- Totally.
- Actually, I love the name Hope.
- Me, too.
But who cares if we like it? Hope's spirit is haunting every nook and cranny of your marriage.
- You have to change that code.
- But you can't stop there.
- Mnh-mnh.
- You need to send this Hope a message.
- What do you mean? - Well, a few years ago, I found a mix tape from Richard's middle school girlfriend.
I not only burned it, I then tracked the skank down, stole her identity, and then racked up all sorts of charges at Barney's.
She won't be able to buy a house for a very long time.
Solid Plan B, but for now, I'm just gonna make him change the code.
If for no other reason than this is the first time - you two have ever agreed on anything.
- No, it's not.
- We've agreed on something before.
- What? That we both love the name Hope.
- [Both laugh.]
- Y'all are bitches.
[Laughs.]
- All right, let's do this.
- Okay.
[Grunts.]
[Scoffs.]
That's it.
I suck.
I'm never gonna get the girls' ballet scholarship.
Have fun at Deervale without me.
Even if I do get the boys' scholarship, I'm not going without you.
Really? So, we both go or neither of us go.
- Deal? - Deal.
We'll practice all day.
Okay, now help me get this lift.
Do it again! Do it again! - [Groans.]
- Do it again! - We did it! - Those scholarships are totally ours.
Thanks for not giving up on me.
We're in this together.
Don't do it again! Yes, sir.
Oh, hey, Oliver.
How was ballet practice? Great.
Gina and I got our move down.
Was it this move? [Whispering.]
Gina Were you pervs spying on me through the window? We're not some creepy peeping toms.
We watched you on the doorbell cam.
[Sighs.]
I can't wait to get out of this place.
Awfully uptight for a guy who just got to first base.
- [Bells chiming.]
- All right, what do we got? TAYLOR: [Laughs.]
Shut up! I am not! Is that Trip? Tell him [deep voice.]
"wassup" [normal voice.]
like that.
Wassup? Um, it's not Trip.
It's Pierce.
Hey, Mr.
Otto! Oh.
Pierce.
Is everything okay, Mr.
Otto? Yeah.
All good.
Very disappointed about something else.
Taylor's on the phone giggling with a boy other than Trip.
Pierce? Yeah.
Trip is nice, respectful.
Sure, he pronounces spaghetti "basketti," but he's basically everything I want for Taylor's high school boyfriend.
This Pierce kid, he's sneaky.
I don't like him.
Well, you better be careful, or she'll end up using Pierce's name for a code or something.
- We're still here? - We never left.
I want you to change that code.
- It's just a code! - A code that means Hope! And Hope is not good, Greg! There will be no Hope in this house.
It used to mean Hope.
Now it means 4673, the series of numbers I use whenever I need a code.
That is my point.
We use it all the time, and every time we do, Hope, the girl who you'd be with right now if she hadn't dumped you, is there.
- Katie.
- We use that code for our ATMs, for our phones, for our motel safes.
Hope has been on every vacation with us.
I want it changed.
Katie, do you have any idea how hard it would be to change every code, pin number, and password we've created over the last 20 years? - You're being crazy! - Don't call me crazy for not wanting another woman in our relationship.
Fine, not crazy Jealous.
You're being jealous over nothing! You mean to tell me that you wouldn't be jealous if I was parading around mementos from my past relationships in front of you? Yes, because we are happily married.
Good to know.
- [Screams.]
- [Laughs.]
And another kid crashes his scooter.
I told you when we put that stick in the middle of the road we'd see some action.
- You owe me a dollar.
- Oh, come on.
All right, you can keep your dollar if you get me some more ice for my G&T.
Just use some of my frozen grapes.
They keep the drink cold without watering it down.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I feel like I just had my very first 'Lude.
Mama used to try and dilute my juice with ice, but I was onto her little game.
If you ever work in a bar, this should be your signature move.
You know, you wouldn't even have to flirt with married men while their wives are in the bathroom.
You could just throw a couple of those grapes in their drinks, and watch those tips come pouring in! I can't work at a bar.
I spill every time I walk with a drink.
Oh, I can help you with that.
- Really? - Honey I could carry a martini in high-altitude turbulence while Richard Dawson slapped my ass - without spilling a drop.
- [Chuckles.]
Grandma I love how you don't know how to talk to children.
Oh, thanks.
Do you know where my reading glasses are? What's that? You like my sweatshirt? Oh, I forgot I had it on.
You're probably wondering where I even got it.
Not really.
Acapulco, Spring Break '98.
The weather was hot, and I was hotter.
All right, I'll find them myself.
It wasn't long until a former "Real World" cast member noticed me.
We spent three days on the beach together, listening to Usher's "Nice and Slow" on repeat, which is appropriate 'cause that's how I remember our time together nice and slow.
I for one loved that story.
I think you look great in this hoodie.
Okay, cool, thanks.
Hey! Oh, sorry.
I just want to do a little reminiscing before bed.
[Gasps.]
My high school boyfriend's football jersey.
Remind me.
Did you play football, Greg? I did not.
Oh, that's right.
[Gasps.]
Oh, look at these sweatpants.
This guy was much taller than me, so when I wore them, we would just laugh and laugh and cuddle and laugh.
Sounds fun.
Aww, my old jewelry box! It is gonna take quite a while to sort through all of this and piece together who gave me what.
Be a doll and grab a pen and paper.
No.
Why not? Is there something wrong, Greg? Is there? I cannot believe you kept all of this stuff! And there's so much of it! How could you even care about my one thing when you've got all these things?! Because holding onto one thing means a lot more than a box of random crap.
You type in Hope's name every day.
I don't even remember some of these guys' names.
That's supposed to make me feel better?! I'm definitely not changing the code now.
Well, I'm definitely not sleeping in the same bed with you tonight! Smart! Seems like you've got enough men here to keep you warm anyway! I'm gonna go sleep on the couch! No, you won't! The couch hurts your back! I'll sleep on the couch! - Thank you! - [Groans.]
My, my, if these shells could talk.
Did you put a lock on the refrigerator? - Sure did.
- Why? - [Knock on door.]
- No reason, but if you need anything, you know the code.
[Inhales sharply.]
- Hey, Mr.
A.
- Hey.
Whoa, sweet lid, Mrs.
A.
Thank you.
I spent a lot of time at this fraternity house.
What were we doing? Good question, Trip.
Not homework, I can tell you that.
So what brings you here, Trip? Your daughter, Taylor.
We're dating.
Yes, I know, but she's running lines with Pierce at school.
Hmm, that's weird.
Pierce told me they weren't rehearsing today.
Ah, must be an honest mistake.
- Have a good one.
- Trip, sit down.
We like you.
So much.
Which is why we need to have this talk.
Do you know why Pierce told you that there was no rehearsal today? Trip, did you hear Mrs.
A? Yeah, yeah, but when someone asks me a super hard question, if I just smile, they usually tell me the answer.
Ah.
Here it is.
Pierce is trying to steal Taylor from you.
[Laughs.]
No.
- They're just friends.
- Not if he can help it.
He calls Taylor at night, makes her giggle.
He's always complimenting her, and last week, I saw him touch her arm like this.
Greg, you could've used me as the example.
- Oh.
- I'm going down there.
Wait.
For luck.
Last guy who had them certainly got lucky.
[Car horn blares.]
Gina's parents are here.
They're taking me to the ballet audition.
Why is there a lock on the fridge? And what are you wearing? [Scoffs.]
Boarding school can't come fast enough.
Hey, come here.
Good luck today.
I hope you get it.
Even though it's gonna be hard just seeing you during the summer, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.
[Chuckles.]
Just Christmas.
I want him to follow his dreams, - but I am not ready for him to leave.
- I feel the same way.
I don't know what to hope for.
"Hope"? Really, Greg? - That's the word you choose? - Wha Oh, come on.
It was an accident! It wasn't.
Thank you all for your efforts.
Our female scholarship recipient is - Gina Tuscadero.
- [Gasping.]
Oh, my God, we did it! We're going to Deervale.
And our male scholarship winner is Andrew Vandevorde! Ha, ha, yes! They totally mispronounced my name! Sweet understanding Sweet understanding Sweet understanding Sweet understanding [Together.]
Sweet understanding - Seymour's my man - Seymour's your man - [Door slams open.]
- Step away from my girl! - Trip? - Whoa, we're just rehearsing.
Yeah, calm down.
Nothing's going on.
- He's trying to steal you away from me.
- What? Think about it the compliments, the extra rehearsal time, he even caresses your arm like your dad did to me.
I'm just helping her become the understudy for Audrey.
You're way too good to be in the chorus.
See? That's a compliment! He's all over you like meat sauce on bisketti.
You have to quit the play, Taylor.
Look, I don't want to get in the middle of this.
You do whatever you want, but quitting the play would be a big mistake, Tay.
Tay?! You don't call her Tay! I call her Tay! Even though I never call her Tay.
Whoa, he's just acting like a friend, and you're acting like a controlling jerk.
Taylor I'm not gonna sit in the audience and watch some guy steal my girlfriend.
- You're quitting.
- I'm doing the play.
So you don't have to worry about some guy trying to steal your girlfriend because you don't have one anymore.
Are you okay? Oh, you are a natural stewardess.
[Both chuckle.]
Oh, I bet you'd be great at slamming into people's elbows with a drink cart.
[Bells chime.]
Oh, look, Grandma.
It's your eye cream delivery.
I'll go get it.
Ooh, not yet.
Let's leave it as bait.
Then we can see who's been taking it.
And besides, I'm not in any big rush.
Spending time with you has been nice.
My eye cream.
Where Where did that come from? - I'm the thief.
- Ah.
I stole them because I was mad at you for never wanting to play with me.
I'm really, really sorry, but I [Chuckles.]
I'm also really, really happy we did this stakeout.
[Quietly.]
Come here.
I love you, Grandma.
Oh, and I love you, too, honey.
Oh, my God.
I really do.
OLIVER: [Sighs.]
I'm sorry I messed this up for us.
I'll audition again next year.
Oliver I'm taking the scholarship.
What?! What about our pact? We both go or neither of us go, right? I can't pass up this opportunity.
If the roles were reversed, you would do the same thing.
No, I wouldn't.
Oh, that's sweet.
[Chuckles.]
But I'm still gonna go.
I'm sorry.
I hope one day you'll understand.
The doorbell cam.
Hmm.
Can make you laugh, can make you cry.
Hey.
We heard you were out here.
The doorbell girls filled us in on what happened.
We're sorry you didn't get the scholarship, - and that Gina - Tore my heart out and stomped it on the ground? Oh, honey.
- This sucks.
- I know it does, but this is the first of what's likely to be several relationships that come and go over the years on your path to finding the one.
It may not seem like it now, but you'll find your person someday.
You will, and Gina will just be a girl who gave you some random gift you forgot you even had.
Gina never gave me What are you guys doing? - Is this for you or for me? - For you, for you.
Yeah, we'll give you some space.
No.
You stay.
I'll go.
That's what she said.
I'm sorry.
I was being stupid.
This is what's important our kids, our family, the life we built.
Everything else is just Nonsense.
'Cause when you get married, you start a new life together.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
But I still need that code changed.
And you'll get rid of the stuff from your old boyfriends? Yep.
Just help me get the rest of the boxes out of the basement.
There's more?! Oliver I know you are sad about Gina and the boarding school, but look on the bright side.
You get to stay here with us! You suck at silver linings, Mom.
Thank you.
And honey, I'm so sorry that you and Trip broke up, but I am proud of you for being a strong woman and putting your own interests first.
You should feel good about yourself.
Yeah, I guess.
I still want to throw up every time I think about it.
Mm But at least I'm doing better than Dad.
Oh, Trip.
I just feel so blindsided.
[Door opens.]
The security company called me today.
- What happened with the alarm? - I can't remember the new code.
We have to go back to 4673, but it needs to mean something else.
Well, it also spells H-O-R-E "Hore.
" Perfect! "Hore" it is.