Animal Control (2023) s03e07 Episode Script

1
♪
[RUNNING WATER]
Shred It's been like 20
minutes, dude, come on.
Hello?
All right, everybody, time's up.
- Everybody?
- Come on.
Come on.
♪
[QUACKING]
[QUACKING]
It's good for their feathers.
Hmm. Well, that explains my
foot fungus that won't go away.
♪
A hundred days since he
escaped from the Seattle Zoo,
Oreo, the penguin is still missing.
Will he ever make it back
to his enclosure to reunite
with his wife, Patty, and unborn child?
I suppose that's up to Seattle
Animal Control,
who've still been unable to find him.
TJ, back to you.
That's not news.
Uh, handsome public servant
who could pass for early 30s
searches for lost animal.
That's a story. I can't stand this.
We're a laughing stock.
That penguin is a folk hero.
People are saying he should
run for city council.
Well, people are idiots
because we get at
least three hoax calls a week.
And since what we do here is
often ridiculous,
hoaxes are impossible to detect.
Yeah, I actually think the
hoaxes are kind of cute.
I mean, massive waste of public funds,
but still cute.
If you all are talking about Oreo,
he is officially no longer our problem.
We are turning over the case
to Fish and Game.
The feds?
No, absolutely not.
No, absolutely yes. I just
spoke with Commandant Boyle.
He's really tired of
all the bad coverage.
Plus, honestly, I think
you're starting to take this
- a little too personally.
- That's true.
You've got to stop watching
all that penguin porn.
They're documentaries.
If you know how they mate,
you know how they live, what they want.
Fish, right? Basically just fish.
Just give me 24 hours.
I'll get the whole precinct on it.
Can't. We're going to Canada.
Oh, we're not just going to Canada.
We are flying private to Canada.
What? They get to fly
international on a PJ.
They are taking home a Pomeranian
who ran away from the Seattle dog show.
Yeah, hey. So I've been
thinking about that.
We should drive
carbon footprint and all.
If Brigadoon's rich owner
wants to pay for a private jet.
I say we let her.
Or she could pay for
gas for a car. I just have
I have, like, a slight fear of
small planes.
Give me an Airbus
or an A380 or a 777, and I'm good.
You are going to be fine.
I've got this Michelin Star
sushi restaurant
picked out in Vancouver.
I skipped breakfast in preparation.
I will need the receipts
for all your expenses.
Just the professional ones,
not the Patel-related ones.
Yeah, this is going to be
the best mini vacation
of all time.
Okay, while you're all jaw-jacking,
an injustice is being perpetrated.
Our precinct, that
I'm the public face of,
is having its lunch eaten
by a waddling madman.
Frank, it's not about how we look,
It's about finding the best
way to bring Oreo home safely
- to his partner and their egg.
- Bring him home? Sure.
Safely? Well, we'll see how
rough this penguin wants to tango.
Okay. If no one has any
further rantings,
I think this meeting is over.
Why are heavy things being
hidden from me?
Shred, get over here,
I'm gonna throw you.
All right.
Fish and Game.
Must be nice to only focus on
two kinds of animals.
Emily sold us out.
Emily didn't sell us out.
Her boss made the call.
Bureaucracy sold us out, Frank.
You know they have a truck
that turns into a boat.
They're gonna find Oreo
like that. [SNAPS]
I don't know how a truck boat
makes it that much easier,
but okay.
Truck 12.
Report of a penguin sighting
1223 Briarcrest.
Oh.
Hey, Truck 12 responding.
We are no longer taking penguin calls.
Please route to Fish and Game.
Frank! Frank! Frank!
That is city property!
We're taking the call.
Dude, no. Emily said that we can't.
[MOCKING] Oh, Emily said this.
Emily said that.
Being short and a kiss ass,
not a good look.
Okay, I'm sorry we're not
all Nordic giants like you.
And your mind-games won't
work on me, man.
Oh, my mind games won't work?
Think about breathing.
[GASPING FOR AIR]
We're going.
Champagne?
Keep them coming.
How does this plane work?
Like, how does it stay up in the air?
Also, can I get an oxygen mask, please?
One of the ones that you
were talking about
when you did the Great. Thanks.
Can you relax?
Even this anxious little furball
is having a good ride.
That's because Brigadoon
doesn't know that
- we're about to die.
- [BARK]
Babe, we're finally living.
This is where it all happens.
Where the game gets rigged,
the table gets set.
The rich get richer.
Right, yeah.
It's just you, me, and a dog.
May I offer you a selection of
Vancouver's finest Gouda?
Mm.
I am a cheese man,
but [SNAP] I've got a lunch
date with a Michelin Star.
Yes, please.
Gouda and prosciutto,
say hello to benzodiazepine.
This flight's only an hour.
You take all those now, you're
going to be useless when we land.
If we land.
- [WHINES]
- You're stressing him out.
No pills, but I will have champagne.
I'm gonna have the rest
of that champagne.
You can bring the bottle, that's fine.
Come on, it's a black and white
bird of the nunnery.
It's another hoax, Frank.
You know, there once
was a pretty cool dude
everyone else thought was a hoax, too.
Criss Angel Mindfreak.
Can I help you, gentlemen?
Hi, Sister.
We're here about the penguin.
The penguin? Is that some sort of joke?
No, Sister. We're with
Seattle Animal Control.
And this is how you present yourself.
Shirttails untucked.
Sorry. We just We got a
Goodness, stand up straight.
And I see the devil has had
his way with your hair.
Boy, I hope you two don't
break into song.
Just a little light Catholic
school flashbacks.
It's definitely not traumatizing.
Hey.
You guys here about the penguin?
He's over by the fountain.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
Oh. I should have trusted
my cop instincts.
Always head straight
to the groundskeeper.
Oreo! I'm coming.
Oh, we got him.
Finally got that son of a bitch.
- [SMACK]
- Ow.
I didn't even say it, he said it.
- [RUMBLING]
- Ahhhhh!!!!!
Cara, you slag, get back here!!!
Why is it going like this?!
We're just experiencing
some slight turbulence.
It's nothing to worry about, all right?
Ahhhh!!!!!
Cara's in on it.
It's fine. Everything's great actually.
There's no screaming kids.
You know what you gotta do
is try that hand lotion in the bathroom.
These sausages have never been softer.
Yeah, everything's so great
why'd you put the little dog
in the safety box?
You mean the dog crate?
[BABY CRYING]
What? What are you doing?
Get back in there!
Who's driving the plane?
You're just gonna skip past
the baby part?
Mom and dad got booked
on the same flight.
Childcare fell through.
You know the deal.
- Turbulence is about to pick up.
- Okay.
Just need two hands on the yoke there.
Okay.
Turbulen
Somebody's always fussy at 40,000 feet.
What's that in meters, Cara?!
Relax, it's like 10.
- Liar. Give me.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna need that.
Okay.
[BABY CRYING]
Shouldn't have brought the baby.
One hundred days, six hours,
44 minutes
Forty-five now, approximately.
That's how long we've been chasing this
oily, flightless bird.
I'm impressed the little dude
made it this long in the big city.
My first month here, I was a wreck.
[CRUNCH]
We've been made. Get him!
Sorry, I'm sorry.
♪
[PRIEST] He may draw all men unto him,
and give them eternal life.
Behold the lamb.
You take the side,
I'll go up the middle.
Wash away the sins of the world.
Don't blame us.
It's the fault of one
of God's creatures.
Sorry.
Peace be with you.
- Where'd he go?
- He must have slipped under the pew.
I'm on it!
[GRUNT]
Hurry! He's heading for the altar.
Oh!
[PENGUIN SQUAWKING]
What are you waiting for?
Last time I desecrated an altar,
they made me write the Lord's
Prayer a thousand times.
Just do it, you sissy!
Hallelujah ♪
- Damn.
- Hallelujah ♪
That was much better than sex.
[GASPS]
Well, you can imagine.
[RUMBLING]
[BABY CRYING]
Hey, Cara, do we have a binky for him?
Cara!
[PILOT OVER PA] Hey, folks, this
is your pilot speaking.
We're encountering some rough
weather over the Cascades.
Yeah, we've been circling
for over an hour.
Unfortunately, we will have
to touch down in Boise.
What? Idaho. We're going to Idaho.
That's the opposite direction!
[PILOT OVER PA] Ground
transport will be provided
to your final destination.
Sorry, Is that a black car or a limo?
Fancy party bus?
We lost a penguin. We found a penguin.
It's an epic tale for the ages.
Feels good man.
I mean, I'm realizing I have
quite a bit of school trauma
I need to unpack one day,
but still, it's nice
to get a win, you know?
[PHONE DIALING]
- Uh-huh.
- Emily, what's black and white
and caged in the back of the truck?
Are you drunk?
'Cause you sound a little drunk.
We got Oreo.
Really? Uh, that's that's great.
Let's save the 'that's great' platitudes
for photos of your friends' kids
What I did today was astonishing.
I'm glad that he's safe.
But you also totally defied my orders.
Yeah, well, orders are meant
to be defied, Chief.
I'm an iconoclast, a renegade,
and I just put on sunglasses.
Yeah, he does look really cool.
But to be clear, I was against the whole
renegade, iconoclast thing.
All right. Well, tell me
you guys at least
got some footage that we
could send to the news.
Well, I got a selfie
with the bird and I,
but it reads a little Guantanamo.
Okay, well, we're probably
not going to use that.
The body cam footage is no good either.
Catch pole was blocking Franks,
and then mine fogged up
from all my hot wheezing
because it was a very
exciting afternoon.
Look, if you need a pull quote
for the press release,
I've been noodling some,
with Jack London quotes
- and without.
- Great.
Hello?
I'm surprised she wasn't more psyched.
Well, I think she'd be more psyched
if we had caught it on film.
What's that face?
I don't trust that face.
You can't wait for inspiration.
You have to go after it with a club.
Jack London.
We should not club that penguin.
Whoa! This is nice.
It's disgusting.
No offense to anyone who paid
to be on this bus.
Excuse me.
Where are we going again?
How many pills have you taken?
A baker's dozen.
You're officially a liability.
All right.
Three and a half hours till you're home.
And I'm eating the best sushi
I've ever had.
[SIGH]
We can do this.
[RUMBLING SOUNDS]
Perfect.
Thanks for calling.
Normally, we don't stage news footage,
but stories about animals, assaults
and attempted murder
are good for ratings.
Now, obviously, Oreo is the star,
but I think this story
should really be played out on my face.
I'm not sure about this, Frank.
Who cares if we caught Oreo
on camera or not.
To recreate it is meaningless.
And don't even get me started
on the journalistic ethics of this.
This is our only chance
to take back the narrative.
Do you still want people calling you
a potato face waterslide stooge?
It's my first time hearing that.
But, yeah, I mean, I'd like it to stop.
Okay, then you're in.
[CHITTERS]
All right, roll it.
Emily would not be cool with this.
You need to stop being so naive.
The economy runs on fake animal footage.
Frank Oreo's gone.
Oh, that was a really great read.
Frank, he's gone.
[GRUNT]
Oreo!
[PENGUIN CHITTERS]
- Frank, go, go, go.
- Excuse me.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Do you see a penguin?
Excuse me. Excuse me, excuse me.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
[GRUNT]
Of all the animals that end my career.
I didn't think it was gonna be
a penguin.
You accepting applications?
Seattle celebrity Penguin Oreo
was spotted today,
but he won't be going back to the zoo.
God, is that how I run?
This is not the first time
Animal Control
has failed to capture Oreo,
making this reporter wonder,
should this case be handed over
to Fish and Game.
I mentioned the Fish and Game
thing off the record.
I'm speechless.
I just want to say
that everyone was on board
for the reenactment.
Except Oreo.
And me. I was never on board.
The principals were on board,
meaning me.
Well, whatever. It doesn't matter now.
Commandant Boyle wants to see me
'cause I'm in trouble.
And all I do is work my tush
off for this precinct.
I'm sorry to swear, but it's true.
I mean, I have managed a zoo break.
I have raised money for a new kennel,
which maybe is now in
jeopardy after all of this.
I even sneak into this office
on the weekends
to clean what the janitorial
staff has missed.
Yeah, well, nobody can get the grout
with a toothbrush like you.
Don't suck up to me.
'Cause the only time my boss
wants to see me is
because you two knuckleheads
have done something stupid.
And do you know what happens
when I get yelled at?
You cry.
No, that's so insulting and sexist. No.
Maybe just let her talk.
I panic sweat, okay? Like a sprinkler.
They used to call me
two shirts at school.
Oh, my God, it's starting already.
Emily, I'm really sorry.
We never meant for any of this
to blow back on you.
You are both hosing out cages
for the rest of the week.
Just get out of here.
Oh, God. Did I get you?
Yep. You got me.
That's all right.
That's a little friendly fire.
We deserve that.
- Yeah, sorry.
- Wow.
Just leave. Why am I apologizing?
You get that cab receipt for Emily?
I just threw up in Brigadoon.
Mom's powder room.
You're lucky I'm still standing.
You know what?
All that matters right now
is we are finally here.
No.
No, no!
Hello? Patel. Party of two.
Patel! Party of two!
Looks like they close
at 3:00 p.m. on Wednesdays.
No, that wasn't on the website.
It doesn't say that on the website!
Brigadoon!!!
[TRUCK HONKS]
Fish and Game guys
had to bring their boat truck
just to get the Oreo files.
[LONG HONK]
Oh, real class act. Dicks!
Yeah, you know, if we had one
of those amphibious vehicles,
we'd get them like that[SNAP]
We did catch them like that.
And then you let them go.
And now, we have to hose down
Great Dane doo doo.
Okay, you know I hate
that word. Just say leavings.
I don't want to say leavings.
I want to cute it up.
And, if you don't mind my saying
you've acted like
a real piece of doo doo.
Whoa! You know,
Sister Carol Ann's not here,
so you can talk like a grown-up.
Great, I will.
You completely hung Emily out to dry
and pardon my French,
but she works her tush off
for this precinct.
I mean, she managed the zoo break,
she raised money for a new kennel,
she even sneaks into
the office on the weekends.
Okay, you're just repeating
what Emily said.
She's a great supervisor, man.
But right now, all her boss
thinks is that she's the dummy
who hired the two bigger dummies
who lost Oreo twice.
So, if you could please
just shut up for once
and hose.
[WATER SPRINKLING]
You know, you're a lot more fun
when you put me on a pedestal.
[WATER SPRINKLING]
Next.
Today has been a nightmare.
Really? I feel so well-rested.
I can't believe I'm saying this
because Danny's got two ear infections,
but I'm just excited to go home.
- Next.
- Oh, here we go.
- Passports.
- Yes, I have one. It's American.
I'm a citizen.
Land of the free.
Well, not always, but most of
- Okay, thank you.
- You're good.
Oh, wait. Where's my fanny pack?
- Hey.
- Where's my
$300 cab. I left it in the $300 cab.
My lumbar was chafing
and I took it[GASP]
I told you not to wear that fanny pack.
For different reason, but still.
Sir, I'm an officer of
the law. Well, kind of.
Does Animal Control get
diplomatic privileges?
- No passport, no crossing.
- No, sorry.
- Next.
- No, hey. Sorry. Hey.
You don't understand, okay.
I've had the worst the worst day.
I had to hold a baby on a private jet.
- Next.
- And I didn't get my sushi.
And then a bus child put gum on my hair.
- Next.
- Excuse me. All I want is to go home.
That's what I'm going to do.
I am going home.
And there's not a thing you
or any of these fine men or
women can say to stop me.
Patel, wait.
[THUD]
I am dry, and cool and competent.
I am dry and cool and competent.
Oh, no, I'm not.
[EXHALE]
Emily, wait. There's been a miracle.
What?
I found Oreo.
- No [GASP]
- [PENGUIN CHITTERS]
I was just I was trolling the
marshlands outside the nunnery,
and there he was.
Oh my God.
Oh, my God, you saved my life.
It might be time to change
the shirt, too.
Oh, this is shirt two.
Then it's great.
Who wants to lick the inside
of a round little treat?
What? Do you need a mental health day?
Because I found Oreo.
[PENGUIN CHITTERS]
Oh my gosh, there's two of them.
Twins. What a twist.
Oh, okay.
Okay, so neither of
these are Oreo, are they?
- No.
- They are not, no.
And do I want to know where
you two found penguins?
- Steve's.
- Yeah, that was Steve's.
Steve's. Okay. Who's Steve?!
He's got a bird sanctuary,
but he's totally above board.
Yeah, he's between licenses,
but a great dude.
So So, just so I'm clear,
you both disobeyed me.
And then as a fix,
you double disobeyed me
with something that, by the way,
is never going to work.
To be fair, it did kind of work on you,
so it'll definitely work on your boss.
And you shouldn't get in trouble
for something that we did.
I did.
I just
I've never been so mad looking
at such cute animals.
Emily.
Take a bird.
Embrace the darkness.
Be born again.
[DEEP EXHALE]
Okay, fine. I'm taking Shreds, though,
because it seems lighter.
Oh.
[PENGUIN CHITTERS]
How much did you pay Steve
for the penguin?
Only if we say it at the same time.
Three. Two. One.
- Free.
- Three hun
Free. I was gonna say free.
Hey.
Look what the cab driver dropped off.
What? How did you find him?
Okay, so I have no memory of
this, but, um,
I guess I got his number.
Did you get the receipt?
Shoot. No, I should have
because it was another 300 bucks.
No, you know what?
This time, we should focus on the wins.
- Let's go.
- Oh, also, I got you this.
It's not sushi grade,
but it's packed full of oil.
- And I know how much you love oil.
- Thank you.
Do you think I have time
to eat this right now?
Definitely, yeah. You should sit down.
Okay.
So we missed the last bus
for the night,
and I will see you at 5:00 a.m.
Oh, yeah.
Wild caught.
Nope. That's farmed.
[PENGUIN CHITTERS]
I am so glad the zoo agreed
to host fake Oreo.
Yeah, yeah. I think it's a win-win.
They get a break from the bad press
and we have time to find the real Oreo.
Mhm.
Wait, did you finish hosing the crates?
Absolutely.
On a scale of 1 to 10,
how mad are you at me?
Uh
three.
Nice. Three.
It was a four.
But then you loaned me your
shirt for my boss meeting.
Oh, yeah. Of course I'm happy to
and you can just you can keep that.
Yeah, I probably should.
I don't know if Patty's
feeling the new guy.
Yeah. It's natural.
It's what happens when
you're not with your person.
Hey, look at that.
Awe.
[PENGUINS SQUAWKING]
Ohh, we need to find a zookeeper ASAP.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Yes.
♪
[HORN]
Hey.
- Hey.
- Nice work on that, penguin.
Who? Oreo?
Oh, well, we thought you
guys were going to botch it,
so we took care of it ourselves.
Respect.
Do you want to have lunch?
Really?
Yeah, on that island over there.
Oh, that's right you can't.
You know, we totally can.
We just have to swim there,
but we had a big breakfast.
We're not hungry.
You think they're hiring?
Why?
I don't know, I just
like their uniforms.
You know, they got earth tones
I'm a summer.
So cool.
Really cool.
I hate those guys.