Another Period (2015) s03e07 Episode Script

1 Previously on "Another Period" You ordered a white heiress, right? Hello, little girl.
Your sister's in quite a bit of trouble.
That's right, show daddy how pretty your dress is.
[Eerie Music.]
[Knocking.]
[Door Squeaks Open.]
[Jarring Musical Sting.]
[Axe Thwacking.]
I can't believe they hacked Edison's server.
What? Talbert, the butler? Yeah, hacked him to pieces with an axe.
Step right up! A private film stolen from Edison Studios is now available for viewing! I can't wait to see it! I can't wait to ejaculate next to you in public.
Uh, but I can't see the runway [Indistinct Conversation.]
[Squeals.]
You've come for me! [Giggling.]
I knew sending daily press releases to every newspaper in town would eventually pay off.
REPORTERS: Beatrice! Beatrice, you're a slut.
Smile.
- What? - Beatrice, now, are you a regular slut or a nasty slut? Excuse me, my name's Lillian.
Yes, Beatrice, following up, I have a question: you're a whore.
I'll rephrase it as a question: You're a whore? - I'm not a whore! - Beatrice, then why did you record the eroti-scope? What? [Dramatic Fanfare.]
I feel scared and confused, so I'm gonna yell! - No, Beatrice! Beatrice! - Beatrice! My sister can't comment right now, but feel free to ask me anything.
Uh - pack it up.
- Nothing to see.
Hello? I'm a whore too! I want the money I want the fame I want the whole world to know my name This is mine I gotta get it I got to get it Got-got to get it Another period [Blowing Nose Noisily.]
Beatrice, look on the bright side.
This could be great for me.
How is this great for anybody? Because, people are finally interested in the Bellacourts, so they'll be writing about the one with star quality.
[Giggles.]
That's moi.
Sisters.
The gossip rags have arrived.
Ooh! [Giggles.]
[Squeals.]
I made the cover! "Golden-haired Beatrice Bellacourt with passerby.
" Passerby? Oh, no.
They're not writing about me at all.
[Dramatic String Music.]
Oh, this is so stupid! Why does everyone care about dumb, boring Beatrice having sex? People care about Beatrice because she made a statement.
But she was also humiliated and a victim.
She did it on purpose, but she was also tricked.
[Sobbing.]
This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
No, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me! Stop trying to make this all about you! But I'm the one in the film! - Don't rub it in! - [Both Weeping.]
[Sobbing Pointedly.]
[Sobbing Louder.]
[Wailing.]
[Both Crying Dramatically.]
[Both Screaming, Sobbing.]
[Sobbing Maniacally.]
[Both Screaming, Sobbing.]
[Hip-Hop Music.]
[Sneaky Music.]
What are you looking at? Are those damn newspapermen still out there? No, we have new neighbors.
Oh, God in heaven, they're Italian! Don't tell me those little Caesars are moving in next door.
We're gonna have to move to France.
Those olive gardeners are gonna drive down the value of this house.
The sunlight is coming down on their black hair.
It's blinding me! - [Groaning.]
- Oh, God.
Gentlemen.
A gift from your new neighbors.
Olive oil? They might as well have sent us rat feces.
They put it on their hair to make it shimmer.
It's how they hypnotize you at the fair.
Peepers, pour that down the toilet at once, and then set fire to the toilet.
And then dump the ashes on their yard to send a message.
And then take a poop on that pile of ashes.
Close the door, please.
Don't not with your hands.
You've touched the olive oil.
With your feet.
[Somber Piano Melody.]
Beatrice, what are you doing on the floor? That's what the servants eat off of.
Mother, everyone's saying I'm a whore.
That is because you are a whore, dear.
It was not my fault.
I was kidnapped and forced to have sex on camera.
Nobody told you to get kidnapped! The only thing you can do now is make a public apology for your filthy behavior.
No, please.
Mother, that's so embarrassing.
[Whispering Fiercely.]
What's embarrassing is you, and your golden mane of temptation.
Now, you go to your room and stop looking at me like that.
Like what? Like you're just begging to be kidnapped again.
[Gasps, Inhales Sharply.]
- Oh, work that head knot.
- Oh, that's it.
- Ooh! - Oh, my God.
Ooh, top of the morning to ya, men and massage mavens.
Just so you know, we're looking into the hack at Edison Studios.
Right! Now, we think this is part of a much larger crime wave here in Newport.
What [Stammers.]
Stop that, right now.
- A crime wave in Newport? - Aye.
Not sure if you're aware of it, but you got some new neighbors.
Not sure what they want to call themselves, but we've been calling 'em "dark-eyed sardine slingers.
" - [Groans.]
- I thought a good one was "Arabian whites.
" Cannoli fingerers! Catholics! - Hey, hey! - Whoa, hey! You'll have to go to confession for that! Sorry.
Nothing wrong with foldin' in the Mother Mary! Oh, Lord in heaven now, how can we protect ourselves? Well, the police are hiring people every day to deal with the crisis, so let me know if you know anyone interested.
[Dramatic Music.]
I have always dreamed of putting on a uniform - and then dominating strangers.
- Plus, I am so bored.
I haven't left the house in six years.
- We'd like to join up.
- Yes.
Oh.
You look good enough.
- I dub thee police! - Oh! Wait, that's it? There's no training or anything? Well, department had some cutbacks, so training was the first thing to go.
[Laughs.]
And training to be a cop's a bit like training for brain surgery: you don't need much of it.
Just get in there and start crackin' open skulls.
[All Laughing Heartily.]
And hey! Don't forget to have fun out there.
Oh, let's get started, shall we? [Grunts Dramatically.]
- [Laughing.]
Oh, no! - How about you? I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding! [All Shouting Comically.]
[Sweet Instrumental Music.]
This is all.
Your.
Fault! First, you got us caught in that riverboat propeller, and now this.
Everyone says you're so blonde and beautiful, but I know the truth.
You're evil.
And without you, it's gonna be so much easier to hold up my head! [Breathing Harshly.]
[Dramatic Tones.]
I don't care what the papers are saying.
I'm supposed to be the famous one! I am not going to take this lying down.
Oh.
Or maybe I will.
Deadline, deadline, deadline.
- Deadline, deadline, deadline! - Look at this.
These serial numbers do not match.
- Excuse me! - Check your files, twice.
[In A Southern Accent.]
I read your article about Beatrice Bellacourt.
And I'll have you know, you're barking up the wrong tree.
It's her sister you wanna be writing about.
- Thank you for your help.
- Hortense Bellacourt? We write about her often.
No, no, her other sister.
Her name's Lillian Bellacourt.
- Who? - Lillian Bellacourt.
Okay.
She's the type of person the public would love to hate, - and then just love.
- [Chuckles.]
I've never heard of her.
Now, is she a whore, like her sister? That's what people wanna read about.
Oh, yes, definitely.
She's a huge whore.
Big, big whore.
Much bigger whore than Beatrice Bellacourt.
In fact, I have on good word that Lillian Bellacourt was recently put in the hospital because her stomach was so full of you-know-what.
[Reporters Laughing.]
- They had to pump it.
- Yes, I know, I'm sure.
We've heard this before, madam.
It was Susan B.
Anthony, wasn't it? And who before? I believe it was Sojourner Truth? - Sojourner Truth! - [Laughing.]
And then, before that, Martha Washington.
- [Laughing.]
Martha Washington.
- Please, you have to listen to me.
Ma'am, we are the media.
We deliver facts.
Please be gone.
Your rumors are not needed here.
Well, this time it's true! Unless you can do a surgery in public - that proves this is true - Oh! - We're not interested.
- There is! [Stammers.]
There's a public surgery.
Live surgery! She's going to get her stomach pumped.
- A live surgery? - Yes, a live surgery.
Bellacourt Manor, live surgery, stomach-pumping male ejaculate.
We're gonna measure those pints.
Thank you so much.
If there is a live surgery, we will be there.
All right, well, tata.
Thank you for the tip, Lillian.
- Thank you so much.
- Oh, I'm not Lillian.
I'm just a concerned citizen.
- Right, okay.
- Oh, yes, of course.
- Concerned - I'm from Alabama.
Concerned Southern citizen whore.
[Hip-Hop Music.]
Make it drop down, Mary Mother? I did what you asked.
Now nobody will kidnap me.
Oh, sit down! What have you done? You can't go to your interview looking like that! Her hair won't lay properly, madam.
Maybe a kicky hat.
Oh, don't be grotesque, Peepers.
Women aren't wearing hats this year.
I hesitate to even suggest it, madam.
But maybe we should try the "Eye-talian" way.
Forcing ourselves on our spouses? - No! - [Cork Pops.]
Olive oil.
[Traditional Italian Music.]
Oh [Percussive Remix.]
[Grunts.]
[Shouts Dramatically.]
[Panting.]
How do I look? [Electronic Dance Music.]
Whoa there, tot.
Why aren't you in school? I'm headed to work at the night factory.
All right.
Have a good day.
Carry on.
Excuse me, sir.
Are you sleeping on the street? No, I just took some heroin and I'm nodding off.
- It's not a crime.
- Well, that's true.
[Both Struggling.]
Oh, oh! Say, excuse me, sir! Sir! Is this woman bothering you? [Sighs.]
It's okay, she's my wife.
She smiled at a dog, and there's just something about that I don't like.
Well, just don't kill her.
[Men Laughing.]
[Grunting.]
Come on, you! I'm so frustrated.
All we've seen is a truant orphan, and a junkie, and a man disciplining his wife.
- I mean, where are the crimes? - You know why we haven't seen any actual crimes.
Why, because everything's basically legal? No, we need to go to the source.
We need to investigate the people who actually committed the hack.
Well, but we don't know for sure it was the Italians.
Albert, police work is not about evidence.
It's about instincts.
And my instincts tell me that we need to go to Greece Town and get us some "Eye-talians.
" So, you want me to perform a surgery? Yes, doctor, I need your help.
The newspapers are going to be there.
Everyone will be watching.
The problem is, I'm I'm not the kind of doctor you think I am.
Oh, no, it's okay.
I know you're a bad doctor.
No, I'm not [Stirring Melody.]
[Quietly.]
I'm not a medical doctor.
My masters is in medicine, but my doctorate is in the theater arts! - [Sighs.]
- The long and short of it is, I'm not qualified to conduct surgeries.
Well, I don't really have two pints of ejaculatory fluid in my stomach, so all we have to do is stage the surgery! [Uplifting Melody.]
Did you say "stage"? Phillip, extra phosphorous.
We're competing with that orphanage fire story.
Beatrice, thank you so much for granting me this interview.
Now, how does it feel to be the star of the the highest-grossing film of all time? There are reports that "The Wizard of Ahhs" has grossed up to 1.
2 hundred dollars.
[Stammers.]
People are making money off of this? Beatrice, what do you have to say? Just that I made a mistake.
And sadly, that mistake was something the whole world saw.
But, I'm hoping that people can find it in their hearts to see me for who I am, and not the biggest mistake I ever made.
[Exhales Emotionally.]
I wanna commend you on your honesty, and your brave new hairstyle.
Now, is that a statement on the duality of women in a patriarchal society? No.
Well, get a tintype, boys, 'cause I predict, by the spring, every woman's gonna have their hair styled in "the Beatrice"! [Glamorous Music.]
Hold it for three more minutes.
180 Mississippi.
179 Mississippi.
178 Mississippi.
Gettin' money - Gettin' money Behold, the whore of Newport.
The daughter of Babylon, the harlot of the harbor, the Jezebel of the ball.
The patient shows all of the signs of the whore.
Syphilis, genital slack, sarcasm, the anchovy odor of a woman of the night.
Today, I shall perform a dangerous proto-zectomy, removing from the patient's gullet nearly a gallon of semenical fluid.
Many of you have heard the urban legend of the woman in such a predicament.
Ow.
Behold.
The whore is real.
[Giggles.]
And a two, and a three Wait, is that real ether? - It has to be - Look over there.
What? [Screams.]
And in these moments between life and death, fellows let us begin.
We're gonna get the Pulitzer for this one.
I'm salivating just thinking about it.
And all the woods of Russia, are trembling under the blows of the axe.
[Somber Music.]
[Applause.]
Thank you.
That was Doctor Astrov's monologue from Anton Chekhov's "Uncle Vanya.
" And now for a soliloquy from one of Shakespeare's least beloved plays, - "Coriolanus.
" - [Struggling.]
- No - What's happening? - Wait just a moment, just - [Yelps.]
My name is Caius Martius, who hath - What's going on? - It looks like someone needs a bit more ether alcohol before we continue.
No! Not ether.
- Just wait a moment - [Shouting.]
- [Grunts.]
- [Shouting.]
[Valve Pops, Lillian Screams.]
[Men Shouting.]
[Dramatic Music.]
Stop it! Stop it! [Coughing.]
Oh, bah! [Splutters.]
What's happening? This is not ejaculate! It's milk! Lillian Bellacourt is a liar, - not a whore.
- And that monologue was absolutely incredible! I did love that monologue.
- Yes.
[Laughs.]
- He's talented.
He's good.
[Laughing.]
[Hip-Hop Music.]
First, they besmirch the Bellacourt name, now they have the nerve to profit off of it? Well, it doesn't seem like that much money.
You spent $100,000 on your own cloud and we couldn't even find it.
It was $300,000, but that's not the point.
You are the one who was kidnapped.
You're the one who fornicated.
I'm the one who should be making money off of it.
What if I had sex with someone else on camera, and that someone else was Frederick? I'm not asking for your opinion.
You've no talent, no discernible skills.
It's a miracle you're even able to breathe! No, I can do it! [Inhales And Exhales Deeply.]
[Somber Melody.]
[Quietly.]
Two blocks away from the abortionist when I went into labor.
Hey! What if we sold a product with my face on it? Products don't have celebrities on them.
That's what caricatures of black people are for.
Well, it seems like we have two ideas: sell a product, or for me to have sex with Frederick on film.
Okay, I'll do it.
You know something, Beatrice? Your hair really does look magnificent.
[Indistinct Conversation.]
Can we just barge in there? We haven't seen anything illegal yet.
We can tell them to turn their music down.
Ah, yes! If you can even call it music.
Opera's supposed to be German.
Can't argue with that.
Let's go! [Shouts.]
- Hello! - Police! Hello, we're in your home! Not again-a.
How can we help you, officers? All right, sir, I'm gonna ask you to lower your voice.
- Please.
- What is this, what is this? What's in here? What is in here? - Wine.
- Wine.
- Vino.
- Oh, yeah, right.
[Sniffs.]
I'm not sure about that.
- What's this? - A plate, a simple plate.
- Yeah? What's going on? - A napkin.
- What do you got here? - Salad.
What's this what about all of this? - It's a couch! - It's an English thing.
Hey, hey, she's got something under her dress, there.
Hold on, hold on, Albert.
I think she's just a big fat woman.
No, I'm not fat! I'm pregnant.
It's a baby in here.
Oh, great, the Italians are multiplying.
They could take our jobs.
It's a bambino! - Oh, she's got a bomb! - She's got a bomb.
- She's got a bomb! - No, a child! A child! Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am! Calm down! Everyone, calm down! Everyone, calm down! All right, hands up! That's it! Excuse me, sir, what is that in your hand? - It's a spoon, I - That's what I thought.
- All right.
- Not again.
I'm gonna have to pat you down! No, no, please! No.
Giuseppe, completely submit to him.
He's got a condition.
Oh, he's so ticklish.
Please-a, he can't be tickled.
- [Laughing Uncontrollably.]
- Look at him! He's laughing and laughing and laughing.
Albert! - I got something here.
- What's up? Let me see about that.
[Dramatic Music.]
This is delicious! [All Talking At Once.]
All things considered, good food, good food.
- [All Talking At Once.]
- Yeah, sit, sit.
All right, well, cheers, everyone.
It's really nice to meet you.
- To America! - To America! [All Toasting.]
- [All Laughing.]
- You silly-billy.
This is my first opportunity to make money on my own: profiting off of the sexual exploitation of my daughter.
I thought you could only use sex to get attention from men.
I never realized you could use sex to get rich and famous! All this time, I was worried about not being interesting or talented or smart, but it turns out, I had everything I needed all along this! [Stately Music Playing.]
Hello, everyone.
Welcome to the launch of the Beatrice Bellacourt Feminine Hair Lubricant.
[Polite Laughter And Applause.]
Look how ugly this servant was before she used my product.
And look how pretty she is now.
[Crowd Murmurs Approvingly.]
Those are two different people.
Exactly.
Thank you.
Since being a whore didn't get me any press coverage, the only way to get their attention will be to do something illegal.
Soon, everyone will be talking about Lillian Bellacourt.
[Electronic Dance Music.]
[In Slow Motion.]
Oh, my God.
Is that is is that Oh, my God.
I cannot bring myself to say what I see.
It's it's It's a woman [Screeching.]
Wearing pants! Gimme that money, gimme that mon-mon-money [Gasps In Horror.]
Mm, what a scandal, right? - What a perversion.
- Lillian! So, what are you gonna write about me in the press? We have journalistic standards.
We are not writing about this! We have to draw the line somewhere.
What, so you'll so you'll write about a woman having sex on film or a woman having ejaculate pumped from her stomach, and this is where you draw the line? Yes, this is absolutely disgusting! - [Spits.]
- [Yelps.]
What is wrong with me? Why won't anyone write about me? Beatrice is a vacant, useless whore, and that's all she'll ever be! Actually, you're wrong, Lillian.
Whores are over.
I'm a businesswoman now.
A businesswoman?! Oh, that's worse than being a whore! You're just jealous because I'm a star and you're not.
[Huffs, Shouts.]
[Giggles.]
[Huffs Loudly.]
As I was saying, if you want your wife to look like me, there's only one way to do it.
It's with the hair lubricant.
[Sobbing.]
Beatrice! How could you do this to me? I'm the one who's supposed to have a product! I'm the one who's supposed to have a lifestyle brand! [Sobbing.]
[Albert And Victor Laughing.]
When they brought out the cannoli? - Oh, that was so good! - Oh, my God.
- It tasted - And the tomato sauce - Shh.
- What? - It's Lillian.
- What she's wearing pants! [Gasps.]
We get to make an arrest.
[Belches.]
[Laughs Gleefully.]
- Let's do it! - [Shouts.]
- This is so rewarding! - I feel so alive.
[Both Crying.]
- [Coughing.]
- [Cries Louder.]
[Both Heaving, Crying.]
[Whimpering.]