Baby Daddy s03e07 Episode Script

Whoo! Enjoying your flight today, Emma? Just warn me if we're heading for Aca-puko, okay? - Knock-knock! Danny? - Riley, hi.
Ben, don't bother.
I'm not talking to you.
But if I were I'd be saying, "I can't believe you slept with Heather.
" - Listen, listen, I'm so sorry.
- Really, I don't need to - just hear me out.
- I don't wanna hear the whole thing! - It's really not necessary! - Just shut up already! I'm trying to apologize here.
Listen, I am so sorry I slept with Heather.
If I knew you hated her, I would've done the right thing I would've snuck her out the fire escape.
- Is your brother here or not? - Not.
- Okay.
- No no, Riley, wait wait wait.
Please please please.
I promise you I will never ever hook up with Heather again.
Well, you couldn't even if you wanted to, so not really that big of a sacrifice.
Oh I could.
She was into me, but I'm choosing not to, because I'm just that kinda guy.
Oh.
Well, sorry to burst your man-bubble, but Heather only used you to get even with me.
And it just helped that you have no morals or integrity.
- Oh? Really? Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
Would a woman Who never wants to see me again leave an earring? She's practically moving in! Oh.
Okay.
Whatever you say, yeah.
Well, I say I could go out with her again any time I wanted to.
Well, I say I challenge you.
Oh, really? Are we gonna go there? Oh, I think we're already there.
Fine.
I bet I can go on a date with Heather - in the next 48 hours.
- And I accept that bet.
- Should we wager the usual? - How about the usual deluxe? Ho ho.
Oh man.
Oh, this is gonna be good.
Okay.
Hey, what's up, Heather? It's Ben.
Wheeler.
We had sex.
Heather? Heather! She's gonna call me back.
Dude, any ideas? I need to get the date with Heather or I'm gonna be on the wrong end of the usual deluxe, and I am not shaving off my eyebrows Again.
Well, I think your best bet is to go build a time machine and go back to a time Before you were an idiot.
All right.
Well, I am off to the park to meet a lady.
All I need is a bottle, a binky and a baby.
Do you ever wonder why you're single? Because I don't.
Ever why you're folding onesies while I'm going to pick up a girl? Because I don't.
Dude, are you using Emma to meet women again? Yes.
And I also use her to cut through long bathroom lines.
Sorry, Tucker, but Emma's gonna get me a date and help me win a bet.
Okay, baby, time to earn your formula.
Whoo! Onesie? Boys I'm having a crisis.
Is it a real crisis or the kind where you just need a glass of chardonnay to cheer you up? No, but thanks for the reminder.
Okay, after much soul-searching, I've decided that I've gotta break up with Brad.
You know, he's just too young and immature.
It turns out once we have our clothes on, we have nothing in common! But, mom, Brad's awesome! He likes to play air hockey, he always lets me win at "Dino Hunter IV" and he's got the entire secret menu memorized at the Burger Barn.
And you wanna know why I'm single? Mom, if you dump him, he'll dump me.
I broke up with your friend Jimmy Balding - and he didn't dump you.
- You dated Jimmy Balding?! No! Who said that?! No.
Okay, I just need to think of the best way to break up with Brad without hurting his feelings.
I got you covered.
Fake move to Mexico.
Yes.
I got a guy who will send a postcard for you.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Just ask for Bonifacio.
- It's him.
- Bonifacio? - Brad.
- Oh.
Okay, you know what? I think that I'm just gonna get it over with.
Okay? Hey, Brad.
Look You what? Okay, I'll be right there! He's in the hospital! Why does bad stuff always happen to me?! Oh my God, Brad.
Are you okay? - Dude, what happened? - Well, I was showing the new Brad pad and the last thing I remember were the elevator doors just closing in on my head.
Thankfully, the face is fine.
Don't worry.
A few more tests and this whole thing will be over before you know it.
Speaking of things that are gonna be over before you know it Mom, not now.
The man is practically dying.
- I'm sure it can wait.
- Well, what I have to say can't.
Bonnie, when those doors were squeezing the blood out of my head, I swear my life flashed before my eyes.
And in that instant all I thought about was you.
Bonnie I love you.
I love you too.
Yes! Whoo! Let's celebrate with some pants 'Cause I can kinda see up your gown.
Okay, Emma, time to work your baby magic.
Hello, baby stealer.
I think you mean "bet loser.
" What are you guys doing here? Oh, well, we were gonna go see that new disaster movie but why buy the ticket when they're showing one for free here? Yeah, plus we got great seats.
Don't forget to turn off your cellphone.
Oh, thanks.
Ooh! showtime.
Heather, hi.
You look lovely as always.
You met me once.
Can I have my earring? Not till you've met Emma.
Hi, Heather.
How'd you like to go out with my daddy again? He sure does like you.
Oh, sweetie, they all do.
Now can I have my earring? Here here, just hold her 10 seconds and I'll give you back the earring.
Come on.
Come on.
There you go.
- Yeah.
- Aww.
She is awfully cute.
Here.
Your baby's broken.
Sorry.
If you let it dry, you can chip it off later.
Earring! Gimme that.
- Bravo.
- Wow.
Well done.
We loved every minute of that, - even though the ending was kinda predictable.
- Yeah.
Hey, maybe next time you'll think twice about baby-blocking me.
Wow.
I had no idea you'd be going down so quickly.
I gotta start working on your punishment.
Do you know where I can find a video camera, some hair-removal cream and a tarp? This is a disaster! I mean, what do I do now? You gotta smooth it out first.
Not the dollar! Brad! Well, there's nothing to do.
Now that you love him, everything's perfect.
Well, Danny Danny, I don't love him.
I just got caught up in the moment.
Listen, just go down to that fountain in the lobby and fish me out some quarters.
But those are other people's wishes.
Just go! You know, if you pound it left of the spring, it'll give you what you want.
Funny, I come with the same instructions.
I'm not sure you should buy anything from that machine.
Some of those chips are as old as me.
Well, I prefer the phrase "aged to perfection.
" In that case, I'm Jim.
Hi, Jim, I'm Bonnie.
I hope I'm not being too forward, but are you single? Heading in that direction.
Then you'd consider having drinks with me? Well, consider it considered.
- Can I get your number? - Sure.
What are the chances I'd meet a beautiful woman in a hospital? Well, hopefully after I walk away, slim to none.
What? He's the hospital snack inspector.
Oh hey, dad.
I can't believe it.
You just missed my girlfriend.
I got less than 24 hours to get Heather to go out with me.
Do you really want to see me humiliated in public? Hang on a sec.
Yeah, I'm okay with that.
Oh my God, I'm so lucky.
Somebody just died in this, so I got it for half off.
What size chicken foot are you? Hey, this isn't a done deal.
Nine and a half.
Mom, I am not ending things with Brad for you! Why not? I ended my prom early for you.
But you told Brad you love him.
Well, I had to! He was just lying there all wounded and vulnerable In that really short gown.
And then he just sucker-punched me with an "I love you.
" I mean, I couldn't help but say it back.
Wait, just because he said it first? I gotta try that.
Where is that damn baby? I mean, that's how Jimmy Balding got me to go out with him.
You went out with Jimmy Balding too?! So, if you hear "I love you," there's pretty much nothing you won't do? Any chance Brad's still in the hospital? I think I might wanna go pay my respects.
He's not dead Though that would make things easier for me.
- No.
No.
- Mom, I seriously think you should reconsider breaking up with Brad.
I mean, he's smart, he's funny, he's generous.
Ooh, that's good.
Tell him all that stuff when you dump him.
- Brad, hey.
- Hey.
Great to see you up and about, looking like you're ready for anything.
Absolutely anything.
I'm actually really glad that you stopped by.
Hey, what do you think about me asking your mom to move in with me? Umm, I think you should ask me again in about two minutes.
So, Brad She just makes me feel like no one ever has before.
You know, I wanna take care of her, I wanna make her happy.
We belong together, you know? She's just she's just perfect for me.
You know what? My mom is perfect for you.
That's what I've been saying! In fact, I literally just said that.
You definitely shouldn't break up.
- Why would we break up? - Um, exactly! So let's go find her, and when she starts talking, you say "I love you.
" Got it? Okay.
But maybe we should stop by the fountain first, so you can make a wish.
Perfect.
- Ben? - Heather, is that you? What happened? I got your text.
Car out of nowhere.
Details are sketchy.
The hospital said I should have a lawyer come down.
- Riley's a lawyer.
- They said, "good lawyer.
" Ben What's going on? And why aren't these machines working? I don't have very good insurance.
Heather, look, here is the truth - I know I don't mean anything to you - Yup.
And that you pretty much just used me to get back at Riley Mm-hmm.
But when I saw that bus heading for me I thought it was a car.
Large car, small bus not important.
The point is I saw my life flash before me and all I saw was you.
And at first I didn't know why or what it meant, but now I do.
Heather, I love you.
You know, it's a shame you don't live here.
Although that's why God invented sexting.
Mmm.
Well, you never know.
I do have a couple of sons in town.
Maybe I'll find a nice little pied-a-terre.
Ooh, you speak French.
It's another thing we have in common.
Soup du jour.
It's just soup.
Yeah.
Oh! Time to check the meter.
- Mmm.
- Please try not to get in any trouble.
Well, then why am I here? Oh.
Hey, is that hospital guy? What's he doing here? If I play my cards right, hopefully me.
But you can't be on a date.
Brad's gonna be here any minute.
What?! No! Danny, you were supposed to handle that.
Oh my God! Nothing ruins a good date faster than your boyfriend showing up! Oh my God, he's here.
Get rid of him.
- Go go go go go.
- Hey, Brad, a couple two three changes to the plan.
Mom is not coming.
She might've said something about Mexico.
Hey, dad.
Good, you got my message.
- Mm-hmm.
- Dad? This is your dad? Yeah, he drove into town when he heard I was in the hospital.
You guys are related?! Yes, that's why I just called him "dad.
" - Oh yeah.
- And I may have found his next mom in the hospital.
Seriously? Only you.
This guy could pick up a widow at a funeral.
- Uh? - Actually, she's right inside.
Oh! Ooh.
Where did she go? Well, I know where I need to go the bathroom.
Nice to meet you.
Dads are great.
I love dads! Where would we be without dads? Mine's gay! Okay.
Oh, dude, it worked perfectly.
If I knew "I love you" could get you a date, it would always be my opening line.
I mean, if you don't mean it, who cares? I know I don't.
Dude, I can't wait to try it tonight.
"I love you" I should probably find out what her name is first.
Hey, Riley, we were just talking about you.
Did you come to lay down, give up, concede, slap a big "L" on your forehead? I'm a gentleman, so lady's choice.
Ben, we need to talk.
This bet this whole thing is wrong.
You always say that when you lose.
She always says that.
It's not that, okay? It's you and Heather.
You and any girl, actually.
Look, I know I said we should be friends and that it doesn't bother me to think of you with other women, but it does.
- What are you saying? - I'm saying that every time I think of you and Heather together, I think, "that shouldn't be her.
That should be me.
" Ben, I'm still in love with you.
Okay, well, you kids have a great night.
His son?! Oh my God.
I mean, I knew I had a type, but wow! - What do I do now? - Mom, when I was a kid, what did you always tell me to do when I was caught in a lie? - "Go get the belt.
" - No, "just tell the truth and all will be forgiven.
" Oh, that was your dad.
All right, I'm going out the window.
Assume the position.
Go on.
Get.
All right, okay.
All right, here we go.
All right.
All right, this is gonna be perfect.
Danny, I think I'm stuck.
Danny, push me out! Just touch it! I'll take you to therapy later! Come on.
Ah! Come on! Bonnie? Brad! Oh, there you are.
You know, I've been looking all over for you.
- What are you doing? - Oh, you know, just hanging out.
Yeah.
This is one of my favorite places in the city.
It's wonderful out here.
But you know what? If you could maybe just give me a hand.
Just Give me a hand.
Yeah yeah, of course.
- All right, there you go.
- Okay, one - Two - Three! Pull! Pull! - Pull harder.
- I can't.
- Harder! - Bonnie? Hey, Jimbo.
Jimbo? Wait, how do you know Bonnie? She's my date.
How do you know Bonnie? She's my girlfriend.
Sounds like you two have a lot to talk about.
I thought you were single.
- Yeah, but - Single? Why would you tell him that you're single? You just told me that you loved me.
Yeah, that's just something I say to people, you know? Hey, I love you! I love you, too! Bonnie, what is going on? I thought we had something special.
Yeah, Brad, we we do.
We did.
Okay, here's the truth at the end of the day, you know, you're just too immature for me.
I I need somebody more grounded.
You know what? So do I.
Bonnie, we're done.
Dad, are you coming? - Well, if you two aren't gonna - Yeah.
- Right behind ya, son.
- Okay.
I okay, Danny, either pull me in or push me out, okay? Danny! Danny! You're a good son.
You really think we can be together again? Are you sure you want me back? Ben, I've never been more sure of anything.
Ben, are you here? Heather.
Hi.
What are you doing here? I thought we were meeting at the bar I might be a little late.
Oh, Riley, hi.
I hope this me-and-Ben thing isn't too weird.
You-and-Ben thing? It's just a stupid date.
Oh, not to me.
Ben, you were right.
I don't know why I was fighting it.
I don't think I actually understood how I truly felt until you told me you loved me.
Wait, he told you he loved you? - You told her you loved her? - Sort of.
Oh, there was no "sort of" about it.
- So, what, you're in love with her now? - Ben, tell her you love me.
Ben, tell her you love me.
Actually, Heather, the truth is I just told you I loved you to win a bet.
But now that I've won this, I guess, thanks for stopping by.
Oh my God, Ben.
Telling someone that you love them when you don't is just the lowest of the low.
- Even I wouldn't do that.
- And she is a horrible person.
It's true.
- Oh, man, you were perfect.
- No, you were perfect.
W-w-wait a second.
- Did you two - Play you? Take you down? Slap a big "L" across your forehead? Yes, Ben Wheeler, take note: Two girls are better than one, especially when both of them wanna get even with you.
- I think we're done here.
- Bye, Ben.
Yo, for the record, I knew the whole time.
Go easy on me, Riley! Everybody have a seat And watch me tap my loser feet I lost a bet, so you're in luck You get to watch me tell you I suck I took a dive, I was slaughtered highly I wish I was as great and awesome as Riley.
Yeah! Whoo! Now that is what I call "deluxe".
Oh, you got off easy, I can't believe you didn't make him do it in front of a bigger crowd.
Oh I wouldn't worry about that.