Batman s03e07 Episode Script

We've waited weeks for reservations.
- Name? - King, party of one.
King, King.
No, I'm sorry, I don't show that reservation.
Oh, yeah? Well, let me show you something, fruitcake.
Hands up, chowhounds.
Drop your forks and prepare to cower before the uncanny Condiment King.
- Who is that? - Some kind of nutcase.
- Just ignore him.
- Someone will call security.
Hey.
Hey! I don't believe this! I say cower, and you're still eating? Well, all right then.
Now, see here, you.
Hot sauce.
Anyone else want to be a hero? Then take out your wallets, cash and jewels and toss them here on the table.
Come on.
Right now.
Disturbance reported at Top of the Crown restaurant.
Suspect is a male costumed extremist armed with what appears to be - a ketchup gun.
- It's gonna be one of those nights.
So long, suckers.
Parting is such sweet-and-sour sorrow.
What's this? The big bad Bat-guy.
I knew you'd catch up to me sooner or later.
How I've relished this meeting.
You, the dynamic Dark Knight, versus me, the conceptual Condiment King.
Come, Batman.
Let's see if you can cut the mustard Quiet.
- You hit me.
- Now, listen, Mustard Man or whatever you call yourself.
You're obviously new at this, so I'm willing to go easy on you.
Provided you give back the loot and never even think about doing this again.
Deal? - Horseradish.
- This is your last warning.
Let's go, Batso.
You and me.
I'm the prince of pickles, sultan of sauce.
You don't stand a chance, you hear me? Later, chump.
Hang on.
Harvey, call an ambulance.
I know this man.
He's that TV comic, Buddy Standler.
Still no clues in the mystery behind comedian Buddy Standler's one-man crime spree last night.
A rampage that ended with a trip to the hospital for the famed TV comic.
Though Standler himself is unable to account for his actions his manager had these observations: I don't get it.
Buddy's just thrown his entire career away.
The network's canceling his show and the restaurant's suing him for a million dollars.
Why'd he do it? It just doesn't make sense.
That's too bad.
I watch Standler's show all the time.
He's great.
Any idea what would have caused him to go off the deep end? No, but talk about bad timing.
He was supposed to be one of the judges for the laugh-off competition tonight.
Alfred and I bought tickets.
By the way, where is Alfred? - One side, mac.
- I beg your pardon.
Pretty.
I want it.
- Hey, you can't do that.
- Sure I can, lady.
I'm the Pack Rat.
And your trash is my treasure.
Hey! Shiny.
Security! Oh, no, you don't.
Dibs on the dummy hand.
Good heavens.
I've been looking everyplace for one of these.
- Yes? - Master Bruce? - Alfred? - I think you're needed at Mayfield's right away, sir.
There's a man with a gun running amok.
He's A word of advice, mac.
Never rat on a rat.
Alfred? Alfred! You'll get oatmeal and like it.
Listen, Eddie, if they expect me to judge that stupid laugh-off again they'd better be prepared to pay.
Hold on, I got somebody at the door.
- Yeah? - Pizza delivery.
I didn't order any pizza.
- But I'll take it.
How much? - It's on me.
Hey! Okay, everybody, empty your pockets.
I want gum wrappers, loose string, those little balls of lint.
None of that cash stuff.
Hey! What? So it's the rat versus the bat and the brat.
Only one will survive, and that's gonna be me.
Everybody, clear out.
Come on out.
It's Harry Loomis.
Another famous comedian.
Look at his neck.
A microchip? Mind control.
This is beginning to point toward our old friend the Mad Hatter.
Wake up, Jervis.
We have to talk.
Come on, rise and shine.
Wow, he's really out.
Here's what we know: Someone implants the Mad Hatter with one of his own mind-control devices then does the same thing to two comedians.
- But what's the connection? - Looks like it's three comedians now, sir.
"TV personality Lisa Lorraine was abducted from her apartment early this evening.
" And here's our common link.
This comedy competition.
Sure.
Buddy, Harry and Lisa judge it every year.
Remember, we taped the last one.
Right here, Master Dick.
And I've cued it to something you should see.
Well, that's it for our contestants.
Now our panel of distinguished judges will choose the funniest person in Gotham.
Not so fast, chuckles.
You haven't introduced me yet.
Smiling Shecky Rimshot.
Come on, already.
Good evening, ladies and germs.
You hear about the guy walked into a doctor's office with a frog on his head? Doctor says: "That's the weirdest wart I've ever seen.
" Frog says: "Yeah, I woke up this morning, there was a big bump on my butt.
" Hey, then there's this guy who buys a new dog.
He takes it for a walk and the friend says Sorry, pal.
We've already made our decision.
And for your information, registration closed days ago.
I'm not leaving until I get that trophy.
Oh, yes, you are.
You can't do this to me.
I'm the greatest comic in Gotham.
I'll get even.
I'll ruin you all.
Freeze it right there.
I think I see what you mean, Alfred.
Without the hat and different hair The Joker.
I tell you, Maury, I'm dying here.
I got a full house.
All three of my celebrity judges are either missing or in jail.
You gotta find me some replacements quick.
Ask and ye shall receive.
What in the? Permit me to introduce Judges Knuckles, Vinnie and Kowalski.
They'll be presenting me with the trophy tonight.
Listen, you can't just walk in here and take Oh, but I already have.
These little microchips are a wonder.
Remind me to thank the Mad Hatter if he ever wakes up.
- Lf it's gonna be much longer - Start the show.
Let's go already! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 10th annual Gotham Laugh-off.
And now, it is my deepest honor to present to you the evening's first and only contestant, Smiling Shecky Rimshot.
You're beautiful.
Funny thing happened to me on the way to the theater last year.
It seems three no-talent hacks tried to stop me from winning.
But guess what.
I'm back.
Oh, such unhappy faces.
Judges, let's cheer them up.
My high-octane laughing gas will have you rolling in the aisles.
It's just you and us, Joker.
Not quite, Batman.
I've got a new girl, and she'll really sweep you off your feet.
Lisa Lorraine? Call me Mighty Mom.
Ain't she sweet? My very own happy homemaker.
But I don't do windows.
Not bad.
Honey, why don't you show our pals how you clean house.
In other words mop them up.
Who's first to get dusted? - Think you can get the brain patch off her? - No problem.
- Hey! - Naughty boy.
Mama spank.
What did I tell you about playing with your toys in the house? - Get rid of it! - You're the boss.
No.
Not on my nice clean floor.
Just hold still.
That hurts.
- Don't worry.
I'm back to normal.
- Who can tell? - Stay back.
- You've hit a new low, Joker.
Only you would ruin three lives for a silly piece of tin.
You're dumber than you look, Bats.
It's not the trophy that matters, it's the title.
I am the greatest clown this dismal burg has ever seen.
What would the common folk do without my pranks and antics? Let's find out.
Up, up and away! Quit rocking the boat.
Oh, too bad, Bat-sap.
But you should have remembered the old saying: Dying is easy, comedy is hard.
Mind if I join the party? You miserable brat.
Get this stupid thing off me.
Watch it.
I think I'm getting airsick.
I'll get you for this, Batman.
No one upstages me and lives.
Is there a problem, officers? What's so funny, huh? I'll give you something to laugh about.