Bewitched (1964) s03e07 Episode Script

Honey, you've got a choice.
There's a comedy at the Bijou, a Western at the Rialto an Egyptian epic at the Uptown.
I don't think it's right to go to a movie on Halloween.
It's like hiding out.
I think we should observe Halloween properly.
How? Honey, it's been Halloween around here for the past week.
What, with your mother, Uncle Arthur, houses appearing and disappearing.
And appearing.
Sam, it's back.
Your mother's house is back.
- Darrin, do you love me? - No.
I mean, yes, I love you but, no, I won't do what you want when you say, "Do you love me?" Mother only wants that house back there for a little while.
And for one reason.
One reason? The Halloween party tonight.
So that's what the Halloween talk was about.
- Mother's giving a party for friends.
- Not on my block, she isn't.
- And we're invited.
- Your mother created that house.
Well, she can just un-create it, and have her party someplace else.
Darrin, I'd so love to go.
The most interesting people are gonna be there.
Interesting, yes.
People, no.
I beg your pardon.
Sam, you know what I mean.
If somebody finds out, what will you tell them? Well, people expect strange things to happen on Halloween.
Besides, nobody's gonna find out.
Greetings, folks.
Have you heard the glad tidings? One Endora, mother of Samantha Stephens suburban housewife is giving a Halloween party this evening.
The catch to the story is that the guests will be real witches.
Buck up, Darrin.
It's gonna be a ball.
Darrin, where are you going? This is no way to settle an argument.
Who's arguing? Not me.
I am laying down the law.
That house of your mother's has got to go.
- As for Uncle Arthur - He's gone.
You can see for yourself.
No, I can't.
He could turn up in our goldfish bowl.
- We haven't got a goldfish bowl.
- Sam.
I want that house out of here.
Off of this street out of this neighbourhood, out of this world, immediately.
Or else.
Mother.
Mother, I have to talk to you.
- Mother? - What is it that can't wait? Me.
Where are you? Outside? Really, Samantha, you know I'm in the midst of all my party preparations.
Mother, Darrin is very upset.
Well, it's always nice to hear news like that, dear.
But I have all sorts of chores to do.
I'm afraid you're gonna have to forget about your chores.
And forget about the party.
Did I tell you that I've decided to make it a small gathering? It makes it that much easier to keep Uncle Arthur out.
He is definitely not invited.
Mother, Darrin is adamant.
That house has got to go.
I can't hear you.
I can.
I heard everything you said, Sammy.
And everything she said.
Except that part about not inviting me to the party.
- Fortunately I missed that.
- I'll repeat it.
There's no point repeating it because there isn't going to be any party because there isn't going to be any house to have it in.
Now, Darrin said, "Or else.
" And you know what that means.
- It means nothing to me.
- It means my marriage is at stake.
Oh, blast the house.
- I hope you're satisfied, missy.
- I'm very grateful.
Fine.
I was going to do my annual rendition of: "'Twas the Night Before Halloween.
" We're gonna miss that? Gee, I'm all choked up.
Anybody who'd knock anybody else out of a tree is sick.
Mother, really.
- Uncle Arthur, come on.
- Thank you, Sammy.
About your party, couldn't you have it somewhere else? Why, Samantha, that's an excellent suggestion.
Brazil's lovely this time of year.
A little redoing here, a little highlighting there and probably a tinkling fountain might be nice.
Where? Brazil? - In your living room.
- Oh, Mother, no.
Too late.
Oh, Mother.
Oh, now, what's Darrin going to say? You didn't expect me to ask my guests to come here the way it was, did you? I'll add a few little things here and there.
Endora, you decorate the way you do everything else: In super, stupendous, glorious bad taste.
I wonder who that can be.
If that's who I think it is Oh, it is.
It's Gladys Kravitz.
Oh, what am I gonna do? Allow me.
What are you doing here? I live here.
Now ask me why.
Thank you, Uncle Arthur.
Think nothing of it, Sammy.
Now, what time do you want the life of the party to appear? - Meaning you? - Who else? How about half past never? She's joking.
She's not very good at it, but that's what she's doing.
And furthermore, Mother, as long as the party is being given in my house Uncle Arthur is invited.
That's blackmail.
Oh, no, it isn't.
That's love.
Hi.
Oh, hi, sweetheart.
Welcome home.
I was just looking out the window waiting for you to come home.
Swell, honey, but the neighbours Let's go inside.
- Wasn't it sweet of Mother? - What? Well, didn't you notice? The house is gone.
Yeah, I noticed.
I just hope nobody else did.
She couldn't have been nicer.
And all she wanted was just one small, tiny little concession.
And in view of the large, magnificent magnanimous gesture on her part I felt the least we could do was to grant her one small, tiny little concession.
Which is? To let her have the party here.
And you're especially invited.
Hey, I'm glad to hear that.
I'm being especially invited to a party that's being given at my own house.
Incidentally, when can I get into my own house? In In just a minute.
I want to kind of prepare you first.
See, she's done a little redecorating.
You're just full of all kinds of good news, aren't you? Can we go inside now? Well, if you won't let it throw you.
Honey, believe me at this point nothing can throw me.
Samantha.
- Quite a party.
- Thank you, Durwood.
I flew the food in from all over the world.
- Personally, of course.
- Of course.
Thank you.
Have some champagne, darling.
I'm sure it's a very good year.
- For whom? - Do have some champagne.
Thank you.
What? What are you saying? Oh, for Hecate's sake, there are two full cases on the service board.
It's so difficult to get good help nowadays.
And don't forget the caviar.
Or did I? I did.
I completely forgot the caviar.
Beluga, beluga Sturgeon of the Caspian Sea Send your very best eggs to me Careful.
I bruise easily.
There you are, Endora, dear.
Caviar on the hoof.
How's that for charm? That man's impossible.
Sam, you're a sweet child but your mother has always been first, last and foremost a witch.
Come, my darling.
I think this is the house.
Of course.
How silly of me.
Really, Boris.
Sometimes I wonder which one of us you prefer.
You're the more beautiful, my darling, but milk is cheaper than champagne.
Ab Let us go in.
I'm anxious to see Endora.
One moment.
I want to fix my fur.
Hair, my darling.
Until midnight it is hair.
Midnight? Again? Boris, why must I always leave a party just when it's getting started? Because, my darling, you are a pussycat and rules are rules.
Your slip is showing.
Abner! Abner! Boris, how good of you to come.
Endora, my love.
And Eva.
I've set aside a saucer of milk, darling, for after midnight.
- You're too kind.
- Come in.
Gladys, you've called the police department the fire department and the SPCA.
Who are you calling now? How many people have to tell you you're crazy? Councilman Green, this is Gladys Kravitz chairwoman of the neighbourhood committee for your re-election.
Crazy but shrewd.
I'd like you to come out here right away and investigate a very strange party.
I see Boris has brought his "ghoulfriend.
" Go on, darling.
It's the best.
Excuse me, darling.
Samantha.
My darling.
How wonderful to see you again.
Hello, Boris.
I'd like you to meet my husband, Darrin.
- I'm honoured.
- How do you do? - May we have this dance? - Darrin? Be my guest.
Well, hello.
I don't think I know you.
I'm her husband, Darrin.
Darrin.
What a masculine name.
- Dance with me? - All right.
I'm afraid I'm not up with the new dance steps.
Oh, but it's so easy.
You just move.
- No, wait.
- What? There.
Oh, I love a man with a moustache.
Pull in your claws, kitty cat.
He's mine.
Kitty cat? Genuine alley.
You see, last year Hagatha gave the party.
And I'll never forget the appetizers she served.
Boiled tree fungus with peppered fish fat and sea urchins with bordelaise sauce.
I'm afraid we'll have to move back a bit.
Eva is insisting on doing her little thing again.
Please.
And the second course was boiled ostrich with sweet and sour sauce turtledove sautéed in its own feathers roast parrot, and dormice stuffed with pork and pine kernels.
- What's going to happen? - Eva's going to dance.
Again.
It's her own creation.
She calls it the Pussyfoot.
Now, I thought you'd like that.
Honey, anything's an improvement on listening to Uncle Arthur.
By the way, where's the music coming from? Oh, we have our own special hook-up.
Ghost-to-ghost.
That's cute, Sammy.
Sorry.
I forgot to tell you about the salad.
Oak leaves and moss Spanish moss, I think.
- With neat's-foot oil and vinegar.
- Really? - And finally for dessert flamingo flambé with fricassee of forget-me-nots.
- How do you like that? - Sounds delicious.
Delicious? Why, it was revolting.
You weren't even listening to me, were you? John, I tell you, this Kravitz woman is a triple-A kook.
Councilman, one thing you better learn about American politics is that kooks vote.
- Councilman Green.
- Mrs.
Kravitz, how nice to see you.
This is Mr.
Morgan, my campaign manager.
Wait till you see what's going on across the street.
Mrs.
Kravitz, if there is Councilman, in case there is something going on don't you think we ought to arrange for some documentation? - Documentation? - We're going across the street.
Call this number.
When the man answers tell him to stand by for a call from Councilman Green.
- Who'd you have her call? - The Morning Globe.
- You want headlines or not? - Good thinking.
Excuse us just a second.
- Some hors d'oeuvres from Perugia.
- Hey, Sam.
Say, hey, Willie.
- How you doing? - Fine.
Just fine.
- Sam, Sam.
Isn't that Willie Mays? - Of course.
- She's my favourite.
- She's her mother's daughter.
- What's he doing here? - Oh, Darrin, really.
You mean, he's a Too? The way he hits home runs, what else? - Sam.
- Oh, excuse me, sweetheart.
Gee, I think it's about time for me to pop out to the ballpark.
He sure is.
Well, hello.
You've been ignoring me all evening.
Well, not intentionally, I'm sure.
There must be something I should be doing.
This party's being given in my own house, you know.
Oh, why, that's fascinating.
Tell me more.
And while you're at it, you can scratch me behind the ears.
Did you see that? No.
If you know what's good for you, neither did you.
- Expecting some late arrivals? - No, but we may have some anyway.
See that man? I think that's our councilman.
- What's he doing here? - I don't know.
Probably some of Gladys Kravitz's handiwork.
I don't care what you say, I want to know what's going on in that house.
It is.
He and his friend are coming to the front door.
- What will we do? - We do nothing.
Party crashers are my specialty.
That should take care of that.
This is the thinnest house I've ever been through.
We found a shortcut through the house.
Now all we have to do is find the house.
Eva.
Eva, please, I'm a married man.
I know.
Well, I better take care of that.
That's what makes you so interesting.
Well, Eva Rats.
Exactly.
Go chase a few.
Sam, did you? Didn't have to.
At midnight it happens automatically.
- Sammy, come here.
- Oh, excuse me.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
I got rid of them once.
Persistent little devils, aren't they? Morgan, there's more to this house than meets the eye.
There's less to this house than meets the eye.
Come on, let's try the window.
Come on, John.
Let's get out of here.
We always did make a good team.
John, I've been handling the problems of this community year after year and I suggest we handle the problems of this house the same way I've handled all the other problems of this community.
I suggest that I won't say anything about it if you don't.
Good thinking.
Everybody.
Everybody, quiet.
Quiet, please.
What's Endora up to now? I'm afraid she's about to start her recitation.
Oh, no.
Are you gonna let her ruin your party? - My party? - Well, it's your house.
You want everybody to leave? - Is that what they'd do? - Now stop it, you two.
We'll just have to grin and bear it.
Come on.
Thank you, thank you.
Needless to say, I wouldn't dream of doing any of my own selections if some of you hadn't insisted.
Now, what would some of you insisters like me to do first, huh? Sing "Melancholy Baby.
" Endora, apologize.
No apologies needed for you, Boris.
My first selection will be, "'Twas the Night Before Halloween.
" 'Twas the night before Halloween And all who were chic Were sipping champagne They'd been stoned for a week.
The witches and warlocks In Rome by the score With their ladies attired In their best by Dior Checking their warts as they came through the door.
And the odd little mortals All snug in their beds While visions of trick or treat Danced in their heads Our children were practicing spells And their chance And even the poltergeists pulled off their pants.
I've had it.
Did you hear what I said, Arthur? I've had it.
I guess that will dampen your spirits.
Come on, everybody.
Let's take our party somewhere else.
The Riviera? Venice, anyone? You gotta say one thing for her, she's got imagination.
Well, I warned you, Uncle Arthur.
Thank you, Sammy.
Let's put it this way: It was the most unusual Halloween party I've ever been to.
It sure beats dunking for apples.
Well, I think it was Mother's most unusual Halloween party too.
You know something, Darrin? Among other things, you're an awfully good sport.
No, it's true.
Not many men would go through what you have and still keep smiling.
- That's true.
- Darrin.
Well, I To show my appreciation for you letting us have the party here I promise that next year we'll spend Halloween with your family.
- Thanks.
- And Thanksgiving with mine.