Blue Mountain State (2009) s03e07 Episode Script

That's it, hey.
Cut the shit.
We got the win, but a one-point victory is nothing to be humping each other about.
The game shouldn't have been that close.
- Harmon's fault.
- Come on, he needs our support.
He missed every single kick.
Even the extra points.
There was no wind.
He kicked the last one straight up Donnie's ass.
Shut your face, Thad.
Harmon, get dressed and see me in my office.
I'm only saying what everyone's thinking.
- And I mean everyone.
- I'm thinking it too, bro.
- Kaboom.
- Pshew.
So what's going on with you? - He sucks! - Oh, come on.
You missed one kick last week, two kicks the week before and now this.
What's going-- are you hurt? I got no excuses, coach.
Maybe he should see the therapist.
I don't trust therapists.
Did you know they're required by law to report any crimes told to them in confidence? No thank you.
You kickers, you're a strange breed.
- Yeah, so I've heard.
- I mean, just weird.
Harmon, if you can't get yourself together by Saturday's game, I might have to find another kicker.
Hey, Harmon, I'll bet you 20 bucks I can shoot this in the laundry basket from here.
Okay, you're on.
Oh! Oh, oops, I missed.
Oh man, it really sucks when one of your teammates misses, doesn't it? Can I have my 20 bucks now? I'm not paying you 20 bucks.
But you missed the shot.
Damn it.
Can you feel that? You better hold on.
This one's about to get bumpy.
Give me a hell, give me a yeah hell yeah stand up right now give me a hell, give me a yeah stand up right now, right now give me a hell, give me a yeah Thanks, man.
You always know how to cheer me up.
Hey, kicker, do BMS a favor and die.
Sorry about the missed kicks.
I don't like it either.
I have to say, you're taking this rather well.
I mean doesn't it bother you? It's the life of a kicker, man.
One minute you're a hero, the next you're the most hated man on campus.
- It'll come around.
- You've been saying that for three weeks though.
Yeah, what's different? I mean has anything changed in your game day rituals? No, man.
I got the same rituals since I was 12 years old.
First thing, I wake up, smell my balls.
Then I get out of bed, do 17 minutes of a naked form of Tai Chi I created.
I like to leave the blinds up so the neighbors can watch.
Then once I feel adequately limber and the neighbors have gotten their money's worth, I smoke a shitload of grade-A hash and call my mom.
Her and her lesbian lover Trixy are usually still awake from the night before.
- Hi, mom.
It's Harmon.
- Hi.
Trixy wants to know - if you stole her dartboard.
- What? - Then I write a chapter in my erotic novel.
- All right.
Let's skip on, shall we? What are your rituals right before you kick? Right before I run out to the field, Thad usually yells something like You'd better make it or you're dead.
And I pretend not to hear him.
Then I wait for you to get set, stand next to the placement , take three steps back and two over, take a deep breath, right finger to the right nostril to blow a snot rocket.
Then I reach down into my pants, pull out three pubes and drop 'em to test the wind direction.
Yeah, I know about that part 'cause your pubes usually hit me in the face.
See, the problem is you're overthinking everything.
Yeah, he's right.
We've got to clear your head.
- I mean I think we could help with that, huh? - Yeah.
That feels good.
Thank you, guys.
Anything we can do to help, Harmon.
Sammy, you'd better be sober for practice tomorrow morning.
Kate, I didn't come to college to have a wife.
- Lay off me, please.
- Why did you come to college? To drink.
To be a loser.
Right, yeah.
I'm a loser, Kate.
- Ugh.
- No? You're being a bad teammate right now, Moran.
- What? - The last thing the kicker needs is some sloots coddling him.
- Wait, you're the kicker? - Yes, ma'am.
Ow! Looks like you could learn a thing or two from these massloots, Moran.
Massloots.
So much for clearing my head.
Maybe you're cursed, man.
I know a woman who might be able to help you.
She runs a little shop in town.
She could give you a reading or some potions.
I don't believe in that stuff.
It happens all the time in sports.
Scott Norwood missed the winning field goal in the Super Bowl.
The bills went on to lose four straight Super Bowls.
How did Scott Norwood fix his kicking problem? He stopped playing.
Look, curse or no curse, Harmon, we just need to get you some new rituals, okay? I don't know, man.
Sure, I'll give it a shot.
Fair enough.
Do you want a tissue or something? This place isn't creepy at all.
Shit, look at this place! I've got a bad feeling about this place.
- Can I help you? - Whoa! Hello.
Um our friend here has a problem he needs fixed.
Oh, I don't fix problems.
I give you information so you can fix them yourself.
Can I offer your friend a reading? Hell no.
I ain't letting you poke around inside my brain.
I think he needs something to help him focus a little.
Well, take a look around.
If you have any questions let me know.
Yes, I have a question.
What kind of stuff can you see when you do one of these readings? You seem even more troubled than your friend.
Bingo.
You're good.
You're goo-- I'll do it.
Let's go.
I feel you're a lifelong underachiever.
You are now two for two.
And you are unhappy because you are meant for bigger and better things.
Holy shit.
You are good.
Sammy, let's just go, okay? No, she's right.
The cheerleaders are holding me back.
I need to get out from underneath them and do something meaningful.
That's not really what she said, so Thank you so so-- My pleasure.
- Anybody else? - No thank you.
I'm just gonna take these oils and these amulets and this powdered goat vagina and then I will be on my way.
It's good! Thad Castle wins another game for BMS.
Kicking is so easy.
Extra point team, line up.
Hold it! Let's go, move! Come on, guys.
Let's move it.
Extra point team.
All right, everybody.
I'm gonna keep this simple.
Harmon has made this kick hundreds of times.
And if Harmon makes it right now, - practice is over.
- Sweet.
But if he misses, we're gonna run suicides till you drop.
- Oh shit.
- Let's go.
Come on, Harmon.
Don't suck! Don't suck like you always suck, Dr.
Shankenstein.
Ignore him, Harmon.
Show everybody you can do this, all right? Sucky McSuckster! He'll never make it from two yards.
You suck! All right, everybody down the other end of the field.
Suicides.
Let's go.
You suck.
Everyone, you can blame Harmon for this.
Jon Jon, we got to look for a new kicker.
- So, Mr.
- Cacciatore.
Sammy Cacciatore.
What makes you interested in joining the CIA? I'm looking for bigger and better things, Dave.
Can I call you Dave? You could if that was my name.
Cool.
How did you get this interview? Hire me and I'll tell you.
You realize that director of spying on Russia isn't actually a position here? Not yet.
Under hobbies you've written "good at blending in.
" - Right.
- What are you currently doing? I'm currently a college student.
Okay.
Or am I? - Get out.
- You got it.
I'll take this though 'cause I only got, one of these.
Printed it up specially for you, but - Sir, please get back.
- It's fine.
I think I've found my calling.
I'm gonna save your goddamn life! That man is highly contagious.
Do you feel anything? I'm trying to concentrate, man.
Maybe you should go and see the psychic.
I got booty shorts too.
Hey, girls, you want to stop for a second so you can blow our kicker? Oh, missed wide right.
Sorry.
Don't let it get to you, man.
I really should get into standup comedy.
Don't let it get to me? I've been not letting it get to me all season long.
You two assholes ever think that maybe the problem isn't me? Maybe it's you.
I mean, Donnie, you snap the ball.
Alex, you hold it.
Maybe you two should change your rituals! Okay, that's fair.
Jeez.
First thing I do on game day is wake up and ask the girl next to me what her name is.
- What's your name? - It's only respectful.
Just for future reference, you know? Oh, oh, oh.
I do some light stretching.
I brush my teeth.
Then I go meet up with Sammy before the game and head over.
I like my ritual.
There's not much to change.
I have a ritual too, but it's pretty simple.
I eat half a grapefruit-- not the seeds, I don't like the seeds.
Then I q-tip my left ear, never my right.
- Then I go-- - Enough! Doesn't matter.
All right? It's all over.
My job as a college kicker, my chances of going pro, hell, my whole life is down the shitter.
All right, which one of you is Brzezniski Stepakovich? - You speak any English? - Yes.
Hello, you look like good sex.
You know, I wish I could go back in time and kick the shit out of the idiot who decided to make kickers part of football.
Next.
Mr.
Cacciatore.
- Got it.
- What can I do for you? I'm here today because I'm not reaching my full potential.
Don't mean to blame you, but it's your job as my school counselor to do whatever you do on that little computer of yours and figure it out for me.
All right.
Well, according to our records, you haven't been enrolled in Blue Mountain State since the first semester of your freshman year.
How often do you update your records? Often.
In fact it looks like you haven't attended classes in over two years.
Wow.
Okay, now that you mention it, college has seemed pretty easy for me.
Yeah, I can imagine.
Yeah, yeah yeah yeah.
- Harmon? - Oh, hey.
I just needed to get away from it for a while.
I didn't know where else to hide out.
Well, turns out that psychic was bullshit.
Not only am I not meant for bigger and better things, like she promised, I'm even more of a loser than I thought I was.
Yeah, I know how you feel, man.
My best days are behind me.
But in all fairness to that psychic, she didn't promise you a damn thing.
She only said that she could give you the information so you could fix the problem yourself.
Yeah well, that's useless.
No it ain't.
If she hadn't sent you in that direction you could have gone four years had nothing to show for it.
At least this way you can do something about it.
If she's so great, how come you're not going to see her? You look like you got a couple of problems.
Um, you know I've never really done anything - like this before.
- It will be okay.
Close your eyes.
- I'm picking up a darkness.
- Oh shit.
Anything you see doesn't leave this room, right? It's not you, Harmon.
It's a It's a negative energy, an evil spirit attached to you.
I am real disappointed in you, Harmon.
Once again you have come in last in the family beer-chugging contest.
Cousin Denis? Your sister asked me to babysit your ass.
I don't do that kind of shit.
Instead we're gonna play a little game called drugs or power tools.
Tedesco, you're too goddamn small to play football.
Ever considered the circus? Kicking is so easy.
Anyone can do it.
Except you.
- Aah! - Thad! The darkness I speak of, the evil spirit holding you back is Thad.
He represents every unsupportive person from your past.
That's a lot of assholes.
You've been insulating yourself with superstition and rituals as a crutch.
- You have to get past that.
- But how? If you want to fix your kicking problem, you have to exorcise the spirit that is Thad.
Whabam! Who's a loser now, Kate? You are.
What's this? It's a class schedule.
Yeah, you're looking at a genuine full-time college student.
That's me.
You realize that if you take all these classes you won't have time for Spirit Squad, right? What? Let me see this.
Uh, what time is practice tomorrow? See you, loser.
Bartender, Before exorcising an evil spirit you have to build up the courage to face that spirit head on.
Hey asshole, miss any kicks lately? You're gonna have to ask your friends for help.
Combining forces and forming a coven increases the amount of energy put into the spell.
- Where's Alex? - He's in his room.
Everything okay, Harmon? Hey, kicker.
Wow! Drop your cocks and gather the troops.
I need your help.
Bring those.
Get these off.
Tie him up.
Tie him up.
Loop it around and tighten it.
Shh.
- Oh, he's waking up.
- What the hell? - Tie it tight! - What the hell? Untie me! - No can do, Thad.
- Untie these straps.
Let me up! Let me up! He's got my nuts! - He's got my nuts, Alex! - Oh, oh oh oh! Untie me! Shit.
I'll kill you all! I hate you! - Ignore him.
- You're nothing.
- Focus.
- Let me down! I'm gonna kill you.
I'll kill you all.
- I hate you.
- We're here for you, all right? - We got your back.
- I hate you! You lose everything for us.
You suck.
You lose at life.
You're too short to kick.
You're too ugly to kick.
Sorry, man.
Some rituals I can't let go of.
Understood.
You're nothing.
You couldn't hit me if your life depended on it.
I am real disappointed, son.
- The circus.
- You'll never make this kick.
- Go.
- I'm gonna kill you.
I'm gonna kill you when I get down from here.
It doesn't matter.
You're not gonna hit me.
You could never hit-- ah! Ow.
- Marty.
- Hey, Jon Jon, we're screwed.
Every kicking option we have is crazier than the next.
No English.
Criminal record.
We might have to go with the guy who's wanted for war crimes.
No, no, no.
You've got to see this.
You're a hick.
You suck.
You ball-sniffing d-bag.
Ah! That was pretty good.
Ahhh! Hey Thad, can I kick now? Okay, okay, okay, okay.
No more.
You can kick.
Harmon, Harmon! Harmon, Harmon, Harmon! Hey guys, I did it.
I fixed this stupid kicking problem.