Bored to Death (2009) s03e07 Episode Script

Do all detectives keep white wine in their desks? No, most detectives in literature have whiskey, but I tend to black out and throw up on the brown stuff.
I used to be weak that way.
Every time I would drink Scotch, I would lose my panties.
It was always annoying the next morning.
So you said on the phone that you had some information about my father.
About both our missing fathers.
I also began life at the Hudson Sperm Bank.
Well, it's wonderful to meet a fellow donation.
- You know the place burned down, right? - I know.
And the owner Donald Stark has gone off the grid.
You know the owners name? Well, without Stark there are no records, so we've hit the same dead end.
That's not true.
- I found Fishman.
- Fishman? Fishman, who witnessed the devastating fire.
Fishman, his face blackened by smoke.
Fishman, his hair singed.
The same man was at each fire? Oh, my God.
Fishman must be a A professional firebug.
He is.
Stark hired him to burn the bank.
Fishman is our link to the records.
- And you need me to find him.
- I already have.
Aw, come on! He's in Rikers.
He's doing eight to ten.
I'm seeing him tomorrow morning.
You've practically solved the case.
- Why do you want to hire me? - I don't.
I felt sorry for you when I saw you on the Cavett Show.
You looked so lost and disturbed.
Is it because I went crotch closed instead of crotch open? Yes.
I knew I should have gone crotch open.
My friend George told me I should go crotch closed.
His fault.
Hey, Leah, don't know why you're not calling me back.
I'm not sure if it's because I cheated on you or because you lost my phone number.
But listen, if it's the cheating, call me back, okay? This is Ray.
Hey, Emily.
Dad again, your father.
Call me back sometime, sweetie.
No luck.
Me neither.
I wish Leah would go ahead and forgive me already.
I don't know what's taking so long.
You're just gonna have to suffer for a while, Ray.
That's all there is to it.
It's your penance.
Well, the weird thing is I kind of don't want the pain to be over.
That's because when the pain ends, the love ends.
Come to bed, Ray.
Come on.
So is that neck sling helping at all? Well, I feel taller, but my back still hurts.
Well, I've got something for you then.
Oh, like a present? Well Oh, it's a book.
Great.
"Healing Back Pain: The Mind-Body Connection.
" Dr.
John E.
Sarno.
I hear that it works wonders.
And here's another gift for you.
- What's this? - Well, this is for your nose, Ray.
Your snoring is starting to unravel me.
The revue is tomorrow night and I need my rest.
Yeah, I think this thing's working.
Sometimes you just irritate the hell out of me.
Hey, George, will you get me a glass of juice, please? Half guava, half apple with a splash of orange and a little hint of grapefruit and a segment of lime.
Quickly.
We want Donald Stark.
Where is he? I've already told you I had nothing to do with that sperm shop.
I was out looking for my cat.
I smelled smoke.
It piqued my interest.
Liar! You seem like a dog person.
- No.
- Really? Were you out looking for your cat on this night? How about this night? Did you find your pussy on this night? - Okay.
- What about that night? Yeah, seems like a lot of nights.
Great.
Caught me in a little lie, did ya? But I'm a pro, honey.
You think I got where I am by being a snitch? - Rikers? Ha! - Okay, don't rub it in, girlie.
I will rub ii in.
I need to find my father.
Please, help me.
Yeah, help us.
You know, I grew up in an orphanage.
It's where I first started lighting fires, for the attention.
Who knew it would blossom into a career, right? Well, then you know what it's like to want to find your family.
Yeah, I do.
- Okay, the man you want is Harry Bergeron.
- Harry Bergeron.
Used to be Stark, used to be a number of other names, too, but he burns a business about once every year.
Where can we find him? He runs a cap store out in Coney Island, Susquehanna Hats on Bagel Street.
- Mr.
Fishman, I could kiss you.
- Really? Then what's stopping you, honey? I got three more years in this shit-box.
Come on, give it to me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fishman! That's enough, buddy! Oh, man! I was so close to that.
I almost had it in there.
Are you all right? Thank you.
Hey, George? George, I'm healed! Praise Sarno! George, George.
George, wake up.
There's been a miracle.
What's What's going It's It's barely 10:00.
Was there a financial crisis? My back pain is completely gone.
Your book healed my back.
You read the whole thing? No, I read the whole back cover and then I slept on it, and the combination worked.
Well, that's wonderful.
I mean, the book must have seeped into you.
Sarno said I invented my back spasms so I wouldn't feel anything else.
You got that from the back cover? Yeah.
Isn't that amazing? I'm in charge.
I'm in charge! Ray Hueston is in charge of his body.
Ray Hueston is in charge Are you okay? I'm good.
I'm still in charge.
I'll take the lead with Bergeron since you were in charge of the Fishman interrogation, okay? Okay.
Are you sure you're up for it? I am a detective' you know? - Ooh, I love Ferris wheels.
- Me, too.
- We need to stay on task.
- Right.
There's our meat.
Are you Harry Bergeron? Depends who's asking.
- We are.
- Who's we? - Depends who's asking.
- I am.
- Who's I? - Depends who's asking.
- I'm ask - Ah.
Okay, we know you're Harrison Bergeron, but are you also Donald Stark, who once owned the Hudson Sperm Bank in Fair Lawn, New Jersey? Inside.
Wipe your feet.
Are you the cops? You look like graduate students.
No, but I am getting my PhD in Library Science from Columbia.
And I wasn't accepted to grad school, but I am an unlicensed private detective.
So you're a shamus.
How'd you find me? As arsonist named Fishman led us here.
We saw him at Rikers.
Oh, yeah? I always liked Fishman.
It's convenient when you're a smoker to have him around.
He's always quick with a match.
Nice Jewish boy.
But let's get to the point.
What do you want with me? Are you with the insurance companies? No, we're not interested in your smoky trail of arson.
We just want to know about the sperm bank because Well, we come from it.
Oh.
Well' it's been a long time since I was in the sperm business.
After that, it was laundromats, then liquor stores.
I always try to provide what's essential.
But did you keep any of the records? All I know about my dad is that, well, he was Greek and he had a beautiful singing voice.
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.
When the building burned down, everything was lost.
Oh, no.
If you hadn't engaged in fraud, this girl might have been able to find her father with the beautiful singing voice.
I hope you realize what you've robbed her of.
I understand, kid.
When I was your age, I was the same way, all chip and no shoulders.
I've got shoulders, two of 'em.
You remember anything' you call me.
Let's get out of here.
Look, I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help.
Would you Would you like some wonder hats'? Huh? Half-price.
- I like the pink one - No.
We don't want any hats.
And I didn't wipe my feet.
I can't give these things away.
Hey, sweetie.
Dad again.
Just wondering whether you got all seven invitations to my performance tonight.
Bring Bernard.
Call me back.
Or don't.
Just show up.
8:00 p.
m.
I love Ugh! - Cut off again? - Yes.
Even her voice-mail seems to know ifs me.
This will cheer you up.
Take a look at this.
This is before Sarno and this is after Sarno.
- Oh, God, this is wonderful.
- Yeah.
- A little bulge there and everything - Yep.
Now who's the misshapen dwarf on Super Ray's shoulder? That's not a dwarf.
That's my son.
That's Super Spencer.
Oh, yeah.
No, of course.
No, I see that.
I'll tell you something, though.
That Sarno seems to have had a powerful effect on you.
Yeah, now that I know that my back spasms were caused by repressed emotions, I find I can really draw again.
So what feeling were you not feeling? Oh, shit, I forgot that part of it.
Hey, look, don't question it, you know.
You've had a breakthrough.
That's enough for one day.
I tell you' I haven't had a breakthrough in years.
Oh, Ray, I am so very proud of you.
George, what are you doing? I'm a real artist.
Don't do that.
I'm not a child.
But I tuck you in every night.
I bring you food from the restaurant.
I thought you liked being infantilized.
Yeah, at my bedtime.
And at my mealtime.
Okay, all right.
Mr.
Grumpy.
Stop.
Sorry I got angry back there at Bergeron's.
It's just that I was so angry, which is why I got so angry.
I'm angry, too.
Now we'll never know what diseases we're prone to.
Yeah.
I mean, that pisses me off.
I would have liked to have known those diseases.
Me, too.
On my mother's side I have balding, but that's not an illness.
I just really wanted to find my dad.
I feel like there's a book missing from the shelf of my life.
He'! I know what will make us feel better about those diseases.
You know, my parents' first date was to Coney Island.
That's romantic.
- It's a shame your dad was sterile.
- Yeah.
I always thought I came from Brooklyn, but I guess that's not true.
I'm half Brooklyn, half mystery.
And you're half sexy in your own way.
You do have really big eyes.
You know, a therapist recently told me that.
That was an opening for you to kiss me.
I didn't really want to hear about therapy, but I am the knight of the mournful countenance.
Giddy-up, Rocinante! Whoa, easy, boy.
Ah, my beautiful Don Quixote.
Josephine, thank God you came early.
I need a warm-up.
Not a problem.
I'm not wearing any panties.
What? Really? No, no, I meant, you know, maybe scales or something.
I mean, I'm happy that we made love every lesson, but I'm a little nervous now about actually singing.
- It is too late for that now.
- What? This is the only lesson you'll need.
Now don't you feel ready to sing? Well, not exactly.
Whoa! Whoa.
- Sorry, I'm a screamer.
- That was amazing.
I felt the room and the bed move.
I know I was pretty good just now, better than usual actually, but the room and bed did move.
The clock outside my window has a nervous twitch once an hour.
Oh.
Oh, right.
Would you ever consider solving cases on a more professional level? - I've always been a lone operator, but - I'll I'll give it some thought.
I could use a sidekick.
Okay.
And would you like to come to my friend's recital with me tonight? It could be our first official date.
Oh, I can't.
I have a night class in parchment restoration.
But do you think the clock could twitch one more time before we leave? No, it only does that once an hour.
How did you solve any cases before you met me? Oh.
"Emily, are you coming tonight," question mark.
Oh, hey, guys.
You're so sweet to come.
- Don Quixote texting again? - Yeah, yeah.
Just waiting, like Beckett, for a message from Emily that's never gonna come.
You know, George, you do look a lot like Samuel Beckett.
I know.
I've heard that before.
It's depressing to look like the most depressed writer ever.
- Can I have one of these? - Oh, yeah, please.
You know, Josephine brought those to me.
They're pot cookies for after the show.
- You want one? - No, I'm on a natural high.
I just had transcendent sex with a girl named Rose.
She's smart, pretty and a great detective.
- Wow.
- You only get stoned when you're unhappy? - That's not healthy.
- You're right.
Oh, my God.
That is so good.
These chocolate chips are very melty.
Oh, I want melty chocolate.
That's our cue.
Let's go.
Oh, oh.
Fellas, if Emily does show up, put her stage left so she can see my better cheekbone.
I want her to be impressed by her father tonight.
George, you're not Streisand.
Well, tonight I am.
You guys are the best.
Whoa.
Ooh, look.
There's George's really hot singing teacher.
- She hugged me once.
- Oh, she is hot.
- Hello, Josephine.
- Hello.
This is George's only other friend, Jonathan.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, you're the one who broke his daughter's nose.
It wasn't me, it was a plushy.
Oh, excuse me.
- Hello? - It's Bergeron, Harry.
What do you want, hat man? I have some information after all from the sperm bank days.
- Okay, spill it.
- Not over the phone.
Meet me at the Brooklyn Aquarium in one hour.
Why not at Susquehanna? The store isn't safe right now.
Just meet me at the aquarium.
They have evening hours tonight, half price.
It's a good deal.
These pot cookies you made are really starting to kick in.
Like, I have the tactile munchies.
You gotta feel my beard.
It feels so good.
Feel it.
- It does feel good.
- Yeah.
I have to go.
I told you to use the restroom ten minutes ago.
Taxi, taxi! Taxi, taxi! Coney Island! On the double.
Everyone! Yeah, let's give it up for Mark Foster-Yang, class of 2002, singing from Cats, but a Bulldog at heart.
And now, please welcome our next performer, George Christopher, class of '69.
Oh, Emily.
I am so sorry, but I must sally forth.
George? I have a quest.
Take flight, legs! Rose, I know you're in your parchment restoration class, but there may be a break in the case.
Call me.
- Emily.
- Dad, did you grow a beard? Ray? What's going on? And basically, I have been repressing emotions.
That's why I had back spasms and also a love affair with an older sexy woman.
What? I was choking down my love for you because I was terrified.
But I'm not I'm not scared anymore.
Leah, I don't have a ring because I just thought to do this.
Here it comes.
Will you marry me? Oh, Ray.
Shut up! Okay, how many more verses are there? Emily, I'm trying to right an unrightable wrong and asking you with all my heart to forgive me.
I should never have questioned your love.
I support you in everything you do.
Will you just shut the fuck up? You shut the fuck up! I am I, Don Quixote! Okay, I'm gonna let you in before someone calls the police.
- Okay.
- Okay.
George, George, wonderful singing.
You got great pipes Bernard, my favorite son-in-law, I've missed you! - Come on.
- I'll be right there.
Ray, I love you, I do.
And I know that you love me, but we don't make each other happy.
Well' that's gonna change.
I healed my back with my mind.
I can heal us.
Ray, please.
I know there's more good than bad in our relationship, but what's bad has become unbearable for me.
Don't say that.
I just think that the kindest thing we can do for each other is let each other go.
I'm gonna miss you.
Hey, Mr.
Shamus, over here.
Why are you whispering? All these fish make me nervous.
I can't swim.
I like herring in cream sauce.
That's about it.
Forget the herring.
Why do you want to see me? Are you familiar with St.
Francis? Yes, sometimes he's an answer in The Times crossword.
But do you know his prayer? "Better to forgive than be forgiven.
"Better to understand than be understood.
"Better to love than be loved.
" - Yes, I know it.
- Good.
Keep it in mind.
There were no records at the sperm bank because I didn't keep any.
Why? Because I provided all the spunk myself.
It was a way to save money.
I didn't have to pay for donors or stroke books or tissues, no overhead.
- What? - I also have good genes.
I mean, there's a lot of throat cancer and colitis in my family, but that's about it.
So my conscience was clear.
Until I met you, my son.
Oh, my God.
It was so beautiful to meet you both today.
Just to look at you, you and your sister.
I just ate a marijuana cookie a little while ago and my hearing may be off.
Did you just say that Rose is my sister? Yes, and she's gorgeous.
She looks just like my mother.