Boston Legal s03e07 Episode Script

- Previously- - You kill her, Lincoln? - She was drawn to me! - Drawn to you? You're a weird little pervert! - You watch your mouth! - Or what? You'll kill me? You're an extraordinary woman.
I don't get to meet many.
- I met this guy, Tom.
- My daughter wants me to fight the cancer.
- A second and third opinion say it's inoperable.
- You see how this makes sense? If you attempt to purchase a lung, you will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
- Tom and I are going on a little vacation.
- Where? Probably best you don't know.
I don't think wearing costumes during business hours is such a good idea.
Oh, it's good for morale.
We end up getting a better turnout for the party.
I wonder what he's done now.
Perjury? Jerry, I can't keep up.
One day it's the doll, the next Scientologists.
Now perjury.
Add to that a little hop.
Okay, deep breath.
And start from the middle.
I was on a jury over the summer, a federal capital case.
In order to be on such a jury, you must declare in your questionnaire that you're not against the death penalty.
- What's with the hop? - It's a nervous tic.
When I try to control my voice, sometimes my legs hop, okay? - Would you prefer that I squeal? - Well- You didn't let me answer.
Anyway, we found the man guilty, imposed a life sentence.
Cut to weeks later, I'm doing an interview in furtherance of my new firm.
I'm being profiled, if you can imagine.
And somehow the issue of the death penalty comes up.
And I said that I've always been categorically opposed.
And the prosecutor from the capital case must've read it and he had me arrested for committing perjury against the federal court! And now I'm about to go on trial! - I'm confused.
- Oh! I was on a jury, a federal capital case- I know what happened.
I'm confused why you lied about your views on capital punishment.
- Because it's wrong.
- Okay, it's wrong.
So why lie? It's not just the death penalty.
It's the issue that only pro-death people should get to sit on death cases.
It's stacking the deck, Alan.
It's wrong.
That's why I lied- to unstack a stacked deck! And now you're being charged with perjury.
And the horrible prosecutor man wants me to serve three years! The Grim Reaper.
I thought I could use it throughout the year, when I fire people.
It's a nice touch.
You gotta see me in full costume.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Lovely outfit, but I'm not surprised.
- Lincoln.
- Did someone speak? I heard a noise.
It sounded a bit godless, but I heard it all the same.
- May I have a word with you, Shirley Schmidt? - What are you doing here? Well, I'm certainly having nothing to do with you, Mr.
Dirty Mouth.
I came to talk to Shirley because she is a name partner in Crane, Poole & Schmidt.
- This is for you, Shirley.
- It's a summons.
Yes, and I am sorry because I sense you and I could be friends.
But I have been wronged by your firm, Shirley.
Specifically by Mr.
Dirty Mouth here.
He slandered my good name.
Lincoln, not to ruin your plans, but I have immunity for what I say in court.
You have qualified immunity, which you ran viciously amok of.
Oh, you had your fun running over me, didn't you, Mr.
Dirty Mouth? Well, now it's my turn to run over you.
And again, I am sorry, Shirley.
I feel you and I could have forged a special bond.
What exactly did you say about him? Oh, you know, that he might've been the killer.
# I once knew a man # # Who owned a butcher shop # ¡Oralé! #He also had apartments to rent up on top # #But he didn't include on the sign that he painted "No pets"# #And the tenant who rented had six hungry dogs he regrets # - # But he said-# - Oh! #When things go wrong # #Just sing this song # #The birds in the trees # #Will sing c'est la vie # #And soon you will see # - # Your cares will be free # - Denise, what's wrong? - # Sing c'est la vie # - Daniel.
- What? Daniel Post? - # Sing c'est la vie # - #Sing c'est la vie # - He's dead.
- # Sing c'est la vie ## - He's dead.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Um Daniel died during a lung transplant surgery in Brazil.
And you get the news through a mariachi band? You had to know Daniel.
He, uh, always said that when his time came "Hmm.
C'est la vie.
" Is there gonna be a service? We had one while he was alive.
Sorry? Again, you had to know Daniel.
I wish I had.
His remains are at Mass.
General.
So I think I'll go and pay my respects there and, uh, yeah- - Would you like me to go with you? - No, thank you.
I'm- I'm fine.
I've been braced for this for a long time.
I think I'm actually okay.
Trick or treat! Maybe not.
- Dead? - Evidently during a lung transplant operation.
My God.
Well, do we cancel the Halloween party? Well, I certainly have to cancel my costume.
But no.
We're a big firm.
I say we go forward with the party.
Um, on another matter, we're being sued for slander by one ofJeffrey's red herrings in the Scott Little trial.
- Which one? There were so many.
- The neighbor, Lincoln Meyer.
Great.
Do we need to get outside counsel? - We do not.
I can defend this myself.
- Very bad idea.
- I'm full of'em.
- At a minimum, we use somebody not involved in this trial.
- Well, that leaves Alan, me and- - Uh, Brad? - No, no, no, no.
Not him.
- Yes, him.
This will be an opportunity for the two of you to bond.
Get yourself in a bit of trouble there, sport? I'm certainly not defending his deceit.
Mr.
Espenson never meant to truly defraud the court.
There's no real proof he lied.
He could've simply been lying in the subsequent interview where he was pretending to be against the death penalty.
Is this how you intend to play it? That he was truthful with us and lied during his magazine interview? No.
I intend to play it by asking for an exercise of your discretion.
Mr.
Shore, this case started in state court.
It was specifically removed to federal jurisdiction at the direction of Alberto Gonzalez.
Why? Because Massachusetts doesn't have a death penalty.
So his perjury is a big deal.
My marching orders are to prosecute him to the full extent.
Now ifhe wants to plea, I'll give him 18 months.
Now ifhe wants to plea, I'll give him 18 months.
My client is not going to prison for 18 months.
Well, it's either that or three years, as far as I can see.
Come on, Jerry.
Here we go.
- What's that? - The remains of Daniel Post.
Okay, he wasn't a large man, but he was taller than that.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Mr.
Post donated his body parts to either research science or organ transplant facilities.
- All that remains is a foot.
- A foot? - Just the one? - Yes.
Oh.
Well, we're here.
- Yes? - Please.
He looks so peaceful.
- That's not Daniel Post.
- I beg your pardon? Daniel Post was 5'7", white and a size eight max.
- That is a black foot, and it is the size of a small boat.
- There must be some mistake.
Yes, a big one, and you made it.
That is an African-American foot.
It looks darker in the box.
If we see it in the light.
No, no.
I don't need to see it in the- Where is Daniel Post? - Is everything all right? - No.
No, everything is not all right.
For God's sakes- Please, could you find my friend something lighter, possibly in a size eight? A big foot? She's meeting with the facility manager in an hour.
I would've stayed, but I'm in court with Jerry.
Give me the address.
I'll go.
Brad, how are we doing with Lincoln Meyer? I have a motion to dismiss marked up for this afternoon.
- In the meantime, he's noticed a depo forJudge Hooper.
- Oh, great.
And who's representing this charming man? That's the most fun part of all.
I'm representing myself, Shirley, like Gideon.
I hope you'll all join me forJudge Hooper's deposition.
Refreshments will, of course, be served.
Oh, it's all too delicious for words, don't you think? I've got a caterer coming in 20 minutes and I want the conference room clean, and I mean clean.
Mr.
Jones, would you please explain what a death-qualifiiedjury is? During voir dire, jurors are asked the so-called "Witherspoon questions" named for the Supreme Court decision that determined the process forjury selection in a capital case.
According to Witherspoon jurors who simply have a general objection to the death penalty cannot be kept off.
But anyone who would always vote against the death penalty under any circumstances can be.
- And Mr.
Espenson was on this jury? - Yes.
He declared in his questionnaire that he had no objection to the death penalty under any circumstances.
We learned later that this was a lie.
I'm curious.
When you're trying someone accused of larceny - do you ask potential jurors if they oppose jail time? - No.
Do you ask them if they oppose fines or community service or giving the victim restitution? - No.
- So there is no such thing as a jail-qualified jury or a fine-him-a-thousand-dollars- qualifiiedjury or make-him-pick-up-trash- on-the-highway-qualified jury? - No, there's not.
- And yet there's a death-qualifiiedjury? I wonder why that is.
Could it be that a jury made up of people favoring the death penalty is more prone to convict in the first place? - There's no evidence of that.
- Oh, come on.
I have many prosecutor friends.
They tell me once you have your death-qualifiied jury, your work is pretty much done.
- Objection.
- Sustained.
If you have 12 people who you know are ready to kill somebody I bet that "presumed innocent" idea is far less problematic.
- Objection.
- Sustained.
Uh, it seems that, um none of, uh, Daniel, uh, ended up where- I assure you we're investigating.
What do you mean, "none of him"? Mr.
Post's cadaver has apparently been stolen.
We suspect his parts have found their way into the black market.
The black market? The very place Daniel did his shopping.
Sorry.
We think we have a lead as to who stole him.
- Your mother? - Yes.
It seems we're getting serious.
I want you to meet her.
- I'm not good with mothers.
- You'll make the effort with mine.
- Is she a little person? - Does that matter? Of course not.
You know how I love them so.
Bethany I'm not the kind of guy that girls take home to their mother.
I tend to, you know hit on them.
You'll meet my mother, Denny.
You'll be nice to her and dignified.
- Did your wife ever say to you that I was a pedophile? - No.
Did she ever indicate that she believed me to be a pedophile? - No.
- Hmm.
Do you find it odd that your beautiful wife, may she rest in peace would tell Scott Little that she thought I was a pedophile and never say that to you? My suspicion is she never said that to Scott Little.
Just a theory.
But my bet is his lawyers convinced him to drop the pedophile tag to better set you up as a red herring as my wife's killer.
Did you ever say anything to these despicable lawyer people that could lead them to think I killed your wife, God rest her soul? There's nothing I told them in support of their theory that you were the killer.
- Well, that seemed worthless.
- Maybe.
What basis did you have for suggesting him as the killer? - What basis? - Yes.
She got a restraining order against him.
He's certifiable.
Was there any evidence at all that he could've done it, or that he was a pedophile? You representing him or me in this, Brad? I'm just asking you the questions that he'll be asking you if this ever goes to trial, Jeff.
This goes to trial, one of us is a pretty terrible lawyer.
Our only defense is civil disobedience, Jerry and it's not a particularly legal one at that.
You need to be sincere up there, impassionate.
Melissa, I wrote a memorandum on civil disobedience last year.
I need- What's happening here? I've been reassigned to a different lawyer, Alan.
I'm no longer your assistant.
What are you talking about? I'll still be at the firm.
I've just been reassigned.
- Reassigned to whom? - Jeffrey Coho.
Melissa, what's going on? What's going on, Alan, is I'm not comfortable discovering you in closets photography-buffing or walking into your office finding some sex doctor measuring your pants or smelling the waft of maple syrup after you've tried cases against old girlfriends.
What's going on is I've had enough.
I see.
And how did you happen to end up with this Jeffrey Coho? Oh.
Hmm.
We clicked.
This is where a crisp little squeal works particularly well for me.
- Ms.
Bauer? - Yeah.
I am pleased to report we have recovered Mr.
Post.
- Really? - Not all of him.
- But, you know, if you'd like to pay your respects.
- Um, what have you got? Well, uh, so far- and the search is by no means complete, of course- But so far, we have his, uh, spleen.
- That's it? His spleen? - Yeah.
Uh-huh.
But we're positive it's him.
More than half of the world's countries have outlawed capital punishment.
Virtually all of the industrialized democracies have eliminated it.
The five countries that execute the most people are, in order China, Iran, Saudi Arabia, the United States and Pakistan.
Is that the company we want to keep? So, to be clear, you are completely opposed to the death penalty? I am.
Yet when you were given the juror questionnaire to fill out, you said you weren't.
- Yes.
- Why, Jerry? Because I know how the system works.
If you admit you oppose capital punishment, they keep you off thejury.
Having only pro-death-penalty people on the jury is completely unfair to the defendant.
Which is why I committed an act of civil disobedience to call attention to the gross unfairness of my sexual surrogate.
Aah! I mean the jury selection process! It just came out.
Mmm.
Jerry I know you know that perjury in federal court is serious.
What I'm not sure you appreciate- This case you were a juror on it was of enormous importance to the government.
It was an opportunity to bring the death penalty to a state that doesn't have it.
And as far as they're concerned you ruined some very big plans.
This sounds like a preamble to a very bad prognosis.
I've talked to Denny Shirley, Paul Lewiston.
I've had a lot of people trying to pull strings behind the scenes.
This case is not going away but I expect that you are.
We have no defense, Jerry.
You flat-out committed perjury.
Okay.
Can I say good-bye to my mother? You're not going away this minute.
I'll give the closing and I guess beg thejury to ignore the law and we'll see.
Do not tuck your napkin into your collar.
I will be mortified.
Do not smoke your cigar.
Do not make any Clintonian jokes as to where the cigar has been.
- What can I do? - Just be nice and get through it! You seem on edge.
Of course I'm on edge.
It's my mother.
- Oh, God.
And here she comes.
- Hi, honey.
Ohh.
Sorry I'm late.
Hi.
Bella- Bella! - Denny? - You two know each other? You're dating Denny Crane.
Why didn't you tell me? - I wanted it to be a surprise.
- Mmm.
What's going on? Well, Denny and I were once- Engaged.
Surprise.
He had no alibi.
Fresh flowers from his garden were found on her nightstand.
It would've been legal malpractice forJeffrey Coho not to focus the jury on Lincoln Meyer as a possible suspect.
Mr.
Meyer? Well, he implied I was a pedophile a freak who should be registered as a sex offender when I have committed no such offense.
And even if I had, which I most certainly have not to suggest that I'm a killer, a murderer? That GracieJane woman reported it in front of millions of people and I was damaged.
What about this Peeping Tom crap? I am an open and notorious peepie.
Why, when I would send her flowers, I used to write "With love, from your little peepie.
" She liked having a peepie, and even if she didn't it doesn't give these lawyer people a right to aver that I'm a killer.
I mean, look at me, Judge.
I'm damaged.
That-That's a spleen? - Are you sure it's him? - Positive.
We did a tissue match.
I'll give you a moment alone.
I can't get closure with a spleen.
This is not working.
Look, Denise, I think what you need to do is go sit somewhere in a quiet place, maybe a church and grieve for the man you loved.
More good news.
The F.
B.
I.
Made an arrest.
Harold Pines.
He's been arrested before for the commercialization of body parts.
He's in custody.
What's more, the very lead that led to his arrest has also led to the recovery of most of your fiancé.
He's got a kidney in L.
A.
His liver is on a plane, as we speak, coming back from Topeka.
His small intestine is waiting to clear customs in Ottawa.
And here, in my hands his heart.
- That's Daniel's heart? - It is.
- What about his head? - The head is still at large.
- Her mother? - It was a hundred years ago.
It shouldn't count.
- How did Bethany take it? - Not well.
She bit me.
Should I flee? Should I move to Canada? - Jerry.
- I can't take prison, Alan.
It wouldn't be an hospitable place for me.
Jerry, I cannot maintain we'll win this trial but I give you my word I'll do everything I can to keep you out of prison.
- I don't know what I'm gonna do.
- Brad! - Clerk just called.
Judge Potts has his ruling.
- Let's go.
I'm informed you and my assistant have "clicked.
" I'm sorry.
You are again? I don't like having my assistant poached like a cow or an egg.
And I especially don't like learning that you and she are "clicking" behind my back.
You know, I'm really not feeling the love here.
Would you, um, give us some privacy? - Sure.
I'll be right down the hall.
- Thank you.
You a cop? No, Mr.
Pines.
I'm a lawyer.
I was engaged to a man named Daniel Post whose body was stolen either by you or an accomplice.
- Um, I don't know anything.
- That's not true, Mr.
Pines.
You've been arrested in the past for commercialization of body parts and you run a million dollar skin harvesting ring.
Look, lady, I'm not gonna talk to you, okay? I just want to know where his head is.
I need to say good-bye.
I'm not here looking for evidence so much as for my lover's head.
I'd like to help, okay? Obviously I got my own problems.
How about you retain me as counsel? Sorry? So anything you say is privileged.
I can't repeat it.
Please.
So you'd be my lawyer? For the purpose of this discussion, I'm your lawyer.
All right.
I don't know for sure, okay? There's this house in Salem.
It's famous in an underground kind of way.
For Halloween, uh they like to do it up for real, you know? A haunted house.
They like to get themselves some real heads.
I don't know if your fiancé's there but- If you're against the death penalty, you can call your congressman protest in the street, start a blog, publish a book.
There are countless ways to get your point across.
Committing perjury isn't one of them.
Obstructing justice isn't one of them.
Mr.
Espenson lied.
He defrauded the court.
His actions were an insult to that court as well as everyone who believes in our system of justice.
You are now part of that system.
Do your duty.
Send Mr.
Espenson to jail.
Let's forget all about capital punishment for a minute and look at this another way.
Say a small town is having a community meeting to vote on whether or not to build a big incinerator.
But before the selectmen let you into the meeting they ask you how you feel about incinerators.
And if you're opposed to them, you don't get to go to the meeting.
Does that seem fair to any of you? Don't we want all sides represented at a community meeting? Jury selection is supposed to work the same way.
All of you, in theory should represent a cross section of the community.
Well, here we are in Massachusetts, a state with no death penalty.
One would assume, therefore that the majority of the community is opposed to capital punishment.
But anyone who holds that view cannot be a juror in a federal death penalty case.
This isn'tjust weeding out people with idiosyncratic opinions.
This is weeding out the majority.
It's strategic.
We all know intuitively if you start talking about punishment before a trial even begins you're putting the idea of guilt in the forefront of everyone's mind.
Yet presumption of innocence is the foundation of our whole justice system.
Without that, we're no better than totalitarian states who imprison and execute people on the whim of an all-powerful leader.
Jerry Espenson- Jerry Espenson is my friend.
I care for him dearly.
And I know him to be fundamentally a law-abiding man who simply saw an injustice and tried to do something about it.
If he's guilty of anything it's of appealing to his sense of fairness.
Now, I suppose he's appealing to yours.
Hey.
Give me a second.
Lincoln? Hello, Mr.
Dirty Mouth.
Come to make me an offer of settlement before the judge rules against you? I'm not surprised.
Been watching you for a bit, Lincoln sitting here.
Really? Are you a bit of a peepie? You seemed sad.
You seemed alone, I guess.
Did I? You must have misread me.
What's going on, Lincoln? This lawsuit-what are you doing? Is this just about attention? You don't think I have feelings.
Those things you said about me in court- I have feelings, Mr.
Coho.
I'm sorry.
I was just doing whatever I could to defend my client.
It wasn't personal.
It was very personal.
President Bush is back in the White House today after a two and a half week vacation at his ranch in Crawford, Texas.
The president traveled via Air Force One arriving in Washington early this morning.
The president has a full schedule in the coming days- I used to tell her about the great Denny Crane.
It's one reason I think she ended up going to law school.
She had no idea that I used to sleep with you just as I had no idea that you now sleep with- How is she? I can't get her to talk to me.
She's pretty upset.
She bite you? - She bites.
I know this.
- Hmm.
I don't want you to see my daughter anymore, Denny.
Come on, Bella.
I can't see someone because she turns out to be your daughter? See, it also turns out she's yours.
- Is she sure? - No.
I'm gonna have to have a paternity test.
Can two full-size people have a midget? - Does Bethany know? - No.
God.
It's one thing to date a dwarf, but to have fathered one? - Denny, I bet Bethany knows now.
- Why? - Oh, God.
- Afraid so.
Hi, honey.
Who's your daddy? Statements made by lawyers in court are immune from defamation liability.
This is a long-standing exception.
Statements made outside of court, however, are afforded no such protection.
Mr.
Coho, you repeated these things to the press.
You enjoyed no privilege there.
However, again, it is my view you were only commenting to the media on matters that occurred inside the courtroom.
And because the privilege does extend to that situation I'm going to grant the defendant's motion to dismiss.
And, Mr.
Meyer before you decide to go sue anybody else you might consider that truth is also a defense to defamation.
For my money, you appear to be a seriously disturbed man.
This court is adjourned.
Boo.
That's perfect.
I have to go to Salem later today.
- Maybe you should come with me.
- What's in Salem? Possibly, um, Daniel's head in some ghoulish haunted house.
Evidently they, uh- they use real cadavers.
Daniel's head is in a haunted house? Maybe.
You have plans later? Don't ask, okay? Defendant will please rise.
Madam Foreperson, thejury has reached a unanimous verdict? - We have, Your Honor.
- What say you? In the matter of the United States versus Gerald Espenson on one count of perjury we, the jury, find the defendant, Gerald Espenson not guilty.
What? - Members of thejury, this concludes yourjury service.
- Oh, my God.
You are dismissed.
This court stands adjourned.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You won.
Don't ask me how.
The jury must've just- - Ignored the law like total commies.
- Exactly.
Maybe they had reservations about the death penalty in general.
See? That's why we're perceived as soft on terror.
We can't even kill our own people.
- Where's your daughter? - The paternity test is still pending.
- Who's your daughter? - Never mind.
My stomach feels bloated.
I hope I'm not getting my period.
- Oh.
- What? Sally's gone, Melissa's gone.
Hmm.
Forget it, horny toad.
Oh, brother.
This is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever done in my life.
Let's go down here.
What was that? - What kind of cult gets off on something like this? - I don't know.
- You suppose that's real? - I don't know.
Why aren't we letting the police do this? Um, because- because it's privileged.
Oh! Denise, uh, none of them look like Daniel.
There's gotta be a better way to get closure than this.
Well, we're here now, so let's just get through it.
Shouldn't you be grieving for this man instead of out looking for his head? Whoa! Oh.
Uh, I thought for a minute it was him.
- Oh! - What? - No, I- Nothing.
- What? Just for a second, in that box I thought I saw a head that resembled Da- Just my imagination.
Oh, my God.
Oops.
I didn't see you there, Judge.
I have long fantasized getting in one of the Lennon Sisters' dresses.
Me too.
Ever wonder how you'd be as a woman, Denny? I'd be a lesbian.
Yes.
Do you think we'd look at the world differently? I mean, it is a man's world still.
I would imagine, at a minimum, we'd be more vulnerable.
- And physically- - We'd have our own breasts to fondle.
- I bet you'd feel differently about capital punishment.
- Why? Denny, you get emotional over the odd bowel movement.
Suppose you gave birth? I would think your appreciation for human life- Franz Kafka said "The meaning of life is that it ends.
" One day you're here, and the next- To Daniel Post.
My loss.
I didn't know you even knew him.
I didn't.
From what I gather, my loss.
You're not getting in this dress.
You stinker!