Brassic (2019) s03e07 Episode Script

1
This programme contains very strong
language and adult humour.
Come on.
Where d'you want this then?
What?
Give over sulking.
I said I was sorry
about the boat, man.
All you had to do
was put a fucking hole in it.
There.
Yeah, in the blazing sun.
It's ten bags of cheddar Dan.
If I want the opinions
of a cheese thief, I'll ask for it.
I'm not a fucking cheese thief.
- What's that?
- Cheese.
How'd you get it?
I fucking stole it. I get it.
I get what you are doing.
Oi, stop laughing!
(WHISPERS) Cheese thief.
It better be proper stinky.
I'm not paying hundred quid
for some mild cheddar.
We said 180!
What ya doing?
(TUTS) Look at him.
Rubbing cheese into his gums
like Scarface.
(VOICE CHOKED) One thirty?
That cheese
just took your breath away.
1
2 9?
What does that mean, 1-2-9?
Hundred and twenty-nine.
Say hundred and twenty-nine
when you know I am bad with numbers!
Now one fifty or I'm gonna take
my van of cheese
and I'm just gonna fuck clean off.
I hope your girlfriend
likes cheese toasties.
- Girlfriend?
- Love em, actually.
Oi Dan, fucking hang fire.
I don't want to be stuck
with a load of cheese.
Hundred and thirty five?
- Done.
- Fuck!
Ahh! I am fucking sick of this shit.
These are bad jobs.
I don't wanna be stealing cheese.
I do have a buyer
looking for something very special.
Bees.
(SCREAMING)
I don't do bees.
This buyer
is prepared to pay top whack
for some high-quality hives. And
..he's French.
What's him being French
got to do with anything?
Well, they do eat
a lot of garden animals don't they?
Snails and frogs and that.
Maybe they eat bees too?
Keep most of them
for making honey, but
..y'know nibble a couple of crunchy
ones off the top.
Fuck's going on in your head?
What's in there, just
..Bovril and sawdust?
- Gonna get 'em me or what?
- No.
Scared of bees Vinnie? (SCREAMING)
Fucking hell.
I am not frightened
..of bees.
Five hundred.
Per hive, all in.
- That's a lot of money isn't it?!
- Thereabouts.
I'm stealing these bees
because I can.
- Alright?
- Alright.
They don't frighten me at all.
Cool.
Gonna steal the shit out of them bees.
BARRETT STRONG:
Money (That's What I Want) ♪
The best things in life are free. ♪
But you can give them
to the birds and bees. ♪
I need money. ♪
Ah Vin, thank you.
Forgot I had a meeting with supplier.
Thought I was your supplier.
What's going on there?
Proper supplier.
Like lemons and tonic waters
and pickled walnuts.
Pickled walnuts aren't a thing,
are they?
I know. I told Tommo
he could design a house cocktail
- y'know, stop him moaning.
- Mm-hm.
Came up with a 'Muddy Knuckle'.
(PHONE RINGING)
- Disgusting.
- I know.
I'm going to cancel the order.
Say it didn't arrive.
He'll have a fucking meltdown.
Are you alright to give Tyler
his tea and put him to bed then?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Yeah. He likes Monster Munch
doesn't he?
Bit of Frosty Jack's,
couple of tinnies.
- Just have a big sesh
- Give over!
- Couple of lines of err
- Stop it!
Here he is Come here to me you.
Give me a snuggle you pig. Oh
(CHUCKLES)
Right Vin, I'm gonna have to go, OK?
You be good for your Uncle Dad?
Can't we have tea all together?
- Like a family?
- I'm busy darling, I can't
Right, come on.
- Sausage, beans and chips.
- Bye.
See you later. Let's see
what they're having for their tea.
What are you having for your tea?
Fucking bees.
They're serious. That's a serious
Everyone's scared of bees.
- Yeah.
- Y'know?
I mean enough of 'em,
they'll kill you, Chris.
They'll fucking kill
They're not like a moth.
Dusty ass moth. (LAUGHS)
Oi! Oi!
Sorry. I was listening.
- No, you weren't.
- Look at this.
Oh fuck! How's she got
her fucking legs to do that?
- Magician's assistant.
- Ohhh!
Sorry Vin. Go on.
The only reason I'm nicking bees
is cos I was showing off
in front of that girl, Sam.
I like her.
I really like her actually.
She's lovely.
I just-I'm frightened
that if I fall for her,
fucking hell,
she could just leave me. Or
..Erin, I mean what if
SHE changes her mind,
she's the love of my life.
She'll change her mind
Are you, fucking,
you're fighting off
an erection you are!
- No!
- Fucker!
- Well, it's not for you is it?
- What a relief(!)
She put in all the hard work.
She's earned it.
Dude, stop perving on her.
Sorry.
Get off. (SMASH)
Shit.
Vinnie
..trusting your heart with somebody
is the most
..terrifying thing you can do.
But if it works out,
even for a bit
..then it's worth it.
That was really beautiful man.
Yeah, it was, wasn't it
Yeah, it was good advice.
Oh for God's sake!
Have you made yourself cry
with your own words?
Naah
Come here, I need a hug
- Oh fuck dude.
- It's gone. It's gone.
It's not gone. Dude, it's not gone.
Don't cry in my fucking face
ROXY MUSIC: Love is the drug ♪
High Class Tentacle porn?
Private exhibition of erotica
at a pop up gallery.
So it's a picture
..of a woman
..getting by an octopus?
- Yeah.
- Correct
Why do you want a photo of a woman
doing it with an octopus?
Because, Ashley,
it's worth fucking thousands!
- Dylan?
- Oh, fuck off.
Dylan, hang on, this is right up
your street mate,
- you love calamari.
- Do you lot often steal porn?
You know what, it does come up
more often than you might expect.
Would she not drown, no? The woman.
No. Fun fact.
Octopuses can survive
up to half an hour outside of water.
That's plenty of time to, you know
(WHISTLES)
Right then, so just to confirm,
we are all up for nicking the porn?
- Yes?
- No. No. Hey, no.
No we're not stealing porn.
You've fucking had porn.
- Hang on. Hang on.
- I've got a job.
What is it?
Bees.
- Drugs?
- Fuck no! Bees. Bees dude.
- The letters?
- Yeah, the letters.
We're gonna steal all the letter b's
so no one else can use them Ash.
You fucking lemonhead.
Bees!
B- why can't anyone
understand the concept.
- It's a fucking insect.
- Bees.
- We're doing it tonight.
- Ah no, I've plans!
You have not got plans.
You're playing Assassin's Creed online
with a load of shagging teenagers
from Cheetham Hill.
You move bees after the last one
has flown into the hive
but before they wind down
for the evening.
I hate them.
- But I do respect them.
- (Jesus.)
Will you be coming with us?
No. Bees are very dangerous.
For the rest of yer
that isn't terrified
of a kamikaze insect
that's that fucking big,
you'll meet me out there
at 5pm on the shagging dot.
Here. Have them passes.
Give your granny a thrill.
She's allergic to seafood.
So the fuck am I,
I don't go banging on about it.
What is it, shit on Tommo night?
So, when am I gonna see this
magical woodland hideaway of yours?
Erm?
I could come over tonight?
- After your bee heist?
- It
It's not a bee heist
It's err
I'd like that.
Yeah. Nine-ish or summat?
Yeah. Can't wait.
Alright. OK.
RAY J: Right Place Wrong Time. ♪
I mean why, why have we driven
20 miles for bees?
Doesn't Jim know
somewhere more local than this?
Only cunts keep bees.
No, he didn't.
So, I went online and found this gaff.
It's a cafe, ran by posh twats
who are, like, 237th in line
for the fucking throne
- or some shit.
- She's not closed up just yet Vin?
Maybe we should come back, so?
No, it'll dark by then,
we need to get it done.
You get yourself in there,
do some flirting Dyl.
- Just distract her a little bit.
- Why me?
Because you are the only vaguely
gorgeous one amongst us.
- What do I do, send in Fat Ronaldo?
- I'm gorgeous too!
Your hands are massive
and they scare girls, dude.
In fairness he is the only one
I would pay to see fucking.
No, I've got a better idea,
let's send in
this fucking sociopath instead,
that owns a sex dungeon, d'you know
- What about Cardi, so?
- I am not sending Cardi in
Why not? Ah, cos he's married.
Yeah, that's why,
cos he's fucking married.
You get in there and flirt
like your life depends on it.
Unbutton that wartime earthy number
and show some pectoral.
Rest of us are gonna steal
some bees. Let's do this baby.
I'm afraid the kitchen's closed
ETTA JAMES:
I Just Wanna Make Love To You ♪
Although
..I'm keeping the till open
a little bit longer?
I don't want you ♪
- I love this song.
- Hm.
..to be no slave. ♪
Actually, I was wondering
if you could tell me
something about bees?
I was thinking of getting some.
A gift for
- ..your wife or girlfriend?
- No.
Because none of those exist.
I would be delighted.
Lady Beverly Gresham.
Er, Martin.
Martin Bee singstoke.
Uh.
Listen, we've gotta be stealthy.
We have got eight hives
we've got four minutes,
we need to get moving.
Where's Cardi?
- Where the fuck is he?
- Oh my God
For fuck's sake, what are you doing?
(MUFFLED) I don't wanna get stung.
- D'you hear?
- Can't hear a word
I said
I don't want to get stung.
Tommo's taped the holes up,
you'll be grand.
I've taped up the bee holes.
Not for the first time.
- But always with a safe word.
- I'm sick of them innuendos, dude.
It's constant. Have you ever
taped up anyone's bumhole?
- No.
- No, shut up then.
They won't suffocate will they?
I don't want to kill any of them.
They're in denial.
They're fucking in decline.
Go and get an 'ive, yeah?
Put it in the van.
A bees brain
is the size of a sesame seed.
Wow.
Wow. That's incredible, yeah.
Wow. That's small isn't it?
No. Not small for a bee.
They are incredibly clever. Yeah.
How?
They dance.
I know a lot of dancers.
Not one of them is in Mensa.
SANTANA: Black Magic Woman ♪
The average honeybee
will make
one twelfth
of a teaspoon of honey
before it dies.
A lifetime of endeavour
..just swallowed.
Oh no
RODRIGO Y GABRIELA: Diablo Rojo ♪
- What's the matter, Martin?
- Err
Ah, ah, Cramp.
Ah, oh!
Get away.
Vin, I'm not going back over there.
Yes you are you big twat.
Get the fuck in there
and go and get the last hive.
There's one fucking left.
- Ahh!
- Ooh fuck
It's so easy to live for bees.
Right, this has been really lovely.
Oh, uh, do you want to stay
for a, a, another drink?
Something stronger?
I make a honeycomb martini
that will set your soul on fire.
No. I'm good. I'm good.
Erm
Please, take one of these.
It's got my number on it.
You just give me a "buzz"
if you want to know anything more
about bees.
Um
Never h-uh, honey?
It's Royal jelly.
Bee saliva.
It has a huge range
of medicinal benefits,
but I mainly use it as
(DEEP INHALE)
..an aphrodisiac.
You put a spoon of that
in someone's drink
and you can have anyone you like.
It sounds it sounds a little bit
non non-consensual.
They always consent.
Eventually.
Yeah, it's be
it's been really lovely.
THE DRIFTERS: Honey Love ♪
I'm gonna get me some ♪
honey love. ♪
Yes, I love it, I love it ♪
Come on.
Jesus Christ, what's the deal?
You had the easiest job,
took the longest.
Fuck me! She was the perfect mix
of tedious and terrifying.
Sounds like that bloody porno
you found about the woman
and her car tax.
I just like a bit of variety,
you know, bedroom wise.
I just thought
maybe did Tommo have anything
..fun, like, lying around, you know?!
What, Cardi too vanilla
for you now, is he?
Oh no, no not at all, no.
I just thought about y'know,
cranking it up a gear, like,
now that we're legal y'know?
Surely there must be something there
in one of them filing cabinets.
Butt plug behind the radiator
or something like that?
Ah
..anal beads!
Oh no
Don't worry Holy Father, not even I
wouldn't take it that far.
Or like one of them Korean wank aids.
Maybe one of them silicone,
like, vibrating arseholes
that throbs along
to the Bee Gees' music?
I actually did find something
but I think it might be too dirty.
- Dirtier the better.
- No, I mean like dirty as in
"matted hair and bits of carpet".
I honestly do not mind
if it's a bit grubby like.
Squirt of fairy liquid
and that there be game ball like
Does he not know about the money yet?
No.
Well, have you spoke Vinnie?
Absolutely not.
Well, like, what are you gonna do?
He's not gonna give up is he?
Mr McCann.
Hi, I wasn't ignoring you
Erm, yeah I know, I know
It's just
Jesus Christ, what the fuck is that?
You know I like to see the books
once a week.
I know. I know. It's just because
we've been really busy.
I'm working from home today, so erm
..come over about eight, yeah?!
Yes Mr McCann, yeah.
- Oh, and Erin?
- Hm?
Don't you ever dare
ignore my calls again.
OS MUTANTES: A Minha Menina ♪
(SINGING IN PORTUGUESE)
(SCREAMS) There's one in my helmet,
get it off, get it off.
I can't grab your helmet
if you don't stop thrashing about.
Now that, I have said before.
It's in my ear.
It wants my brain.
It's gonna be fucking disappointed
if it gets there love.
It's got me in the fucking eye, dude.
Have you nicked a fucking jar
of honey off that-you
I haven't nicked it.
She gave it to me.
It's not honey. It's royal
Royal jelly.
It's just a middle-class honey
is all that is
No. No. No.
Royal Jelly is a secretion.
Why's she given you
a jar of bee spunk for?
It's bee spit Cardi.
Oh fuck,
there's a distinctive tang off that.
- Spunk, spit: all does the same job.
- Oh
Tell you what,
I'll have a bit of that.
Go on Tommo. Oh!
Full finger of it.
(LAUGHS)
No, no, no. No, no.
I have tried spunk in my time.
And that my friend, that is not spunk.
- Go on!
- Go on, 'ave a bit.
Get a bit of spunk down ya!
Real men try a bit of spunk
from time to time.
Go on, go on.
(ALL LAUGHING)
And again. And again. Go on.
Ahhh!
Fuck!
- Alright?
- Alright, you alright?
I just drilled me fucking head into
(BUZZING)
Oh fuck.
Bees!
(ALL SHOUTING)
Fuck.
Ah
Ooh!
Ooh, fucking hell.
What?
Swollen
Oh fucking hell
- What are we going to do now?
- Shit let me have a look.
- What ya doing?
- Just gon' have a look.
- Keep it fucking closed.
- Oh fuck
Fucking fuck. Shitty bees!
Is there anything that
calms them down?
Like jazz or
Fucking Jazz? Who the fuck
Nobody listens to Jazz.
- I listen to jazz.
- He loves it.
Oh du-do break out
your fucking saxophone,
won't yer, you dickheads
THE METERS: Cissy Strut ♪
Smoke.
Right empty your bloody pockets,
weed, hash,
whatever the fuck you've got.
Ay, oi. What d'you do,
rob a pick 'n' mix?
They're your keys you dickhead!
We need them.
- Ketamine?
- No.
It's a tranquilizer, int it.
Yeah it is a tranquilizer
for fucking horses, Tom.
Not just horses Vincent. Also
- ..camels and that.
- You've fucking made that up.
- Give me your cigs.
- No. No. No. No. Vincent.
I'll fucking mess your hair up.
Give me your fucking cigs
No. No. No. No. (BOTH GRUNTING)
Come on.
We're gonna need some blowing.
Go on Ash.
We're on, we're on! Dyl, get the door.
3, 2, 1, go
Right, we still can't get back
in the van.
- How're we supposed to get back home?
- JJ.
(PHONE RINGING)
Vin, I'm a bit busy, alright?
You couldn't give us a lift
could ya love?
- How fucked is my van?
- N-no, don't panic, just
I think it's a tow situation
to be honest with yer.
- What have you done to her?
- I fucked it into a post.
It's a superficial prang.
It fucking adds character,
if anything.
- Come and get us dude.
- Now?
No, no, no. Just keep your feet up
and relax you fucking lemon.
Where do you think I am?
I'm in the fucking quagmire,
- my trainers are just fucked.
- Where are you?
Err, I dunno, there's fields
and a fucking great big road. Dyl?
JJ, mate, I'm gonna drop you a pin.
We're all gonna need to fit
so bring something roomy.
Wait? What? How longs he gonna be?
- Fuck knows An hour?
- Shit.
Well, there's no point
waiting for him here is there?
I noticed a nice country pub
maybe half a mile back.
And I myself am partial
to a pint of cider
and some Wasabi peas.
We just robbed the local cafe
of a load of rare fucking bees
and you want to go to the fucking
local boozer, get pissed up?
It's not the 1970s.
Not everyone in the countryside
knows everyone else anymore.
It's all tourists and second
homeowners round here anyway.
Yeah. It's fucking freezing.
Cardi?
I'll have a pint.
Cardi, get out
of that fucking diving suit will ya.
What d'you reckon then?
Farmers or wankers?
Definitely wankers.
Y'alright fellas.
(JUKEBOX BUTTONS BEEPING)
CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL:
Bad Moon Rising ♪
(QUIETLY) They don't look much like
- second homeowners to me.
- No.
Get the drinks in, Dyl.
- I see trouble on the way. ♪
- Evening fellas.
Lovely pub you've got here.
How's it going? Five pints of lager
..and can I get a look
of complete disdain as well please.
We only do mead.
Mead?
Nectar of the Gods.
Yeah, love-yeah, lovely.
Five-five meads then, please.
Queen's Finger, Worker's Toil
or Honeyhive?
Give him the finger,
everyone else does.
Yeah. No. Y'know it's good because
it makes your thing go green.
What the fuck is that?
It's mead. It's all they had.
Looks like tramp piss.
Woah I don't mind that.
- Oooh!
- That's hm.
What kind of a pub only sells mead?
Well, I mean err this kind of pub?
It's a fucking 18th century
monk's drink innit?!
- Yeah, what's your point?
- My point is
(LOW VOICE) ..normal people
don't fucking drink mead do they!
And normal pubs don't sell it.
Tourists drink all kinds of shit
won't they?
(WHISPERED)
This ain't a tourist pub dude!
- Glover.
- Vinnie.
Enjoying your mead then lads?
- Yeah it's delicious.
- Fucking nice yeah.
- It's different.
- Interesting ain't it?
It's a beautiful drink.
Better than milk.
Ay, lads?
(LOCALS CHEER)
Bees
..are much better than cows.
Which do you prefer?
Bees or cows?
I love bees. Just love 'em.
What about you lad?
Er, bees.
Bees Sir. Bees yeah.
- Err, bees, bees all day long int'it.
- All of us.
Well, I like both?
(MUMBLES) Fucking hell.
Both?
Ash!
(LAUGHING)
So
..what brings you lads in here
this evening then eh?
Ou-we-our van broke down.
Oh, right.
Well if you need to call the AA
there's a payphone on bar.
- Thanks man.
- Thanks.
They tried to put a mast up
round here, once.
Never tried again.
You need some ice on that lad!
He's alright.
Err, yeah.
Thank you though, sweet of you.
You're fine aren't you, our lad?
Oh! (LAUGHS)
Hey(!)
Oh, he's
Shit! Fuck! What the fuck was that?
- I thought it was alright.
- Shut the fuck up!
Listen to me. Listen to me
- Have you noticed?
- Why what's wrong?
- Am I the only fucking one Bees!
- What?
There's fucking bees everywhere.
Bees, this and that, y'know.
It's making me uncomfortable,
given the nature of what we've got
in the back of the van.
Drink the tramp piss
and let's get the fuck out of here.
Your eye is upsetting these locals,
do you know that?
Yeah?
- Don't be sick.
- It's disgusting.
It's Lady Gresham.
Bees are gone.
They've been stolen.
Shit.
(SHOUTING) Not a-fucking-gain!
I thought you'd chained hives down?
I did chain hives down.
Twice.
But you know what they're like.
They'll nick anything.
(SHOUTS) Anything.
The lead from your roof.
The water from your taps.
- Wait there.
- Yeah.
One little shite
stole the compost out me bin.
And now those bloody bees.
(SHOUTING) Again.
Well, I'm not fucking having it.
Not this time.
You.
Look at you.
If anyone in this pub
..looks like a fucking thief
..it's him.
(WHISTLES)
Don't be shy.
What happened to your eye, lad?
Cardi
B-
- Bee sting.
- Oh, ho-ho!
Alright. Alright Hang on.
Now just
(ALL TALKING)
Chill out a minute. Just hang fire.
Look alright. Fucking hell, we did.
We stole the bees.
I didn't know
it meant this much to yers.
- I am really sorry.
- Shall I call police?
Fuck off!
Only thing worse than a thief
is a fucking copper.
Agreed.
Well then,
what?
Put 'em in cellar?
We're not fucking going in the cellar.
(SHOUTS)
Get in the fucking cellar.
Oh scary bee man
with his shite blunderbuss.
It's a fucking ornamental thing,
that
- Fucking hell!
- Where's the fucking cellar?
What's it like in cellar?
Not nice!
Alright you
What's that?
My penis. Cos your fucking hands
are down there.
Keys.
Well just say keys then.
Fucking Nosferatu.
Get out of it.
You'll find your bees
in a van up the way.
You better fucking hope I do, lad.
(BOLTS LOCKING)
Fuck.
Oh, fucking hell.
Come on you rusty bastard.
Not a single bar.
Christ.
Fuckers've been gone ages
haven't they?!
Latch won't budge lads.
- There's no chance.
- Shit.
Don't worry boys.
I've got a plan.
(SHOUTS)
Oh, nice one Tommo
- Meant to be seeing Sam tonight.
- Are ya?
- Yeah.
- Oh, for sexy time?
Yeah.
Sex is like
..playing the violin, innit?
I don't know what I'm doing.
(SIGHS)
What do you think they'll do to us?
I reckon they'll let us go
when they get their bees back.
Yeah. I hope-
Oh, fuck!
Oh, fucking hell!
What is it?
- Is that
- Ooh fuck me!
No that's a
Fuck me, that's a dog. Dog. A dog.
Yeah. That's a Labrador.
100 percent. Dog.
Is it?
Dog yeah.
How do you think it died?
Maybe Carl Slater bummed it to death?
Shit!
Thank you for finding them.
My little babies.
I know how much those bees
mean to you.
Stupid bastards,
coming into our pub,
after doing this.
Where are my bees?
Eh?
(SCREAMS)
There you go.
You be careful with him, love.
It's fine. I'm his business partner.
Urgh, it's so hot down here, dude?
(SIGHS) anybody else feeling dead hot?
It's like
..you just can't breathe,
it's all muggy.
We're not gonna die down here, are we?
Alright, just sit down for a minute,
your eye's probably
- Is it bad?
- Yeah, it's pretty bad.
- Dyl. Dyl.
- Yeah?
Go and see if there is any mead
in one of them bloody barrels.
Might take the edge off.
Why bother eh?
Might as well just leave us to rot
with the other fucking detritus.
That's all we are, innit?
Human debris
in the wheelie bin of existence.
Nothing's loose, it's all solid, sure.
The only way out is the hatch,
or the front door.
I can't fucking do it.
(SOBBING)
I can't fucking do it anymore.
I'm a husk.
I'm a shell.
I'm a fucking broken man.
Come on God.
Hey? You big dickhead.
Strike me down.
Fucking finish me off.
Put me out of my misery. Cos
..I have had e-fucking-nough
- Try that hatch again?
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah, do that.
It's fucked.
The numbers are off.
Yeah. I was expecting the takings
to be a lot higher than this.
About thirty thousand pounds higher.
OK, erm (CLEARS THROAT)
My fucking brother, my
My brother, he
.. "borrowed" money from the safe
and I tried to get it back off him,
I swear, I went after him.
How much?
All of it.
I know this is my fault
and I promise, I will pay you back.
Every single penny.
I've actually come up
with a repayment plan.
Think of it like a business loan.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Here is a project turnover growth
and this is the amount
that you'll be getting
every single month
from my share of the profits.
I know it's gonna take a while
Mr McCann,
but I promise you, you are gonna have
one of the best clubs
in the North West when I'm finished.
No.
No? No.
The money gets paid back, in full,
by the end of the month.
But it's thirty grand.
We can't raise that sort of cash.
There are
..other repayment options available.
(SIGHS)
I'll come up with the money.
Make sure you do.
I was driving past
your lad's school the other day.
You've got to be so careful
outside schools.
Take your eye off the road
for one second and
..well.
Those sort of accidents
don't bear thinking about do they?
In full.
By the end of the month.
Oh shit!
Where are the fucking bees?
They're in the hives
in the back of the van.
We found hives
..no fucking bees.
Ooh, Lady Biverley-
Be-Ber-err, Beverley
I just want to apologise,
I can see you're really upset.
Shouldn't 'a stole them damn bees.
And I didn't know they meant as much
as they did to you.
So, you tell us how much they cost
and we'll, fucking, sort it.
I don't want your money.
That's a good job
cos we ain't got none.
Bees are very special.
They are life.
Without them,
the entire ecosystem fails
and everything on Earth would die.
Then it's a good job we
..set them free y'know!
Back to nature and all that craic.
- Hey, Lady Beverly
- Martin!
Ay! Ay! Oh! Don't you hit my friends
you dickhead.
- Ooh!
- Hang on a minute
Alright, fair enough.
So, what now, Lady Gresham, ma'am.
Let me think about that.
Oh!
Oi. Hey.
That wasn't-that wasn't
a fucking Labrador was it?
- That were a bloke.
- Fucking hell!
I fucking said it didn't I?
I said not to come to this pub.
And now we are all fucking locked
in a cellar because you Dyldo
- were a little bit chilly.
- No! This is not my fault.
- Pub was Tommo's idea.
- Oh don't try blaming me sweetheart.
I were the one who suggested
robbing a painting of a woman
getting dicked down by an octopus
if you recall.
She is going to kill us.
Oh! Stop drinking fucking mead.
You're smashed out of your head now.
No one kills anyone over fucking bees.
(SIGHS)
Prang, my arsehole!
(LAUGHS)
I don't feel quite ready for that!
What the fuck has happened here?
Right. You lot. Against that wall.
Me and me sister
have had a chat.
- Sister?
- Yeah. Sister.
She married up.
Not that it worked out for her.
Me
..and those bloody bees
..are all she's got left.
Bev wanted me to Well
..her plan were a bit extreme
for my tastes.
You know what a woman's like
when she's a bee in her bonnet.
However,
I do think
she does deserve
some form of compensation.
Fair enough.
So, I think it's only fitting
..if one of you lot
offers up a finger.
See Dylan.
You've only got to finger her.
I'll cut it off quick and clean,
I promise.
You'll barely feel it.
THE ANIMALS:
The House of the Rising Sun ♪
This lad (LAUGHS)
Are you winding us up
with the finger? Cos I
He's trying to scare the shit-
and it worked an'all You are
..fucking terrifying us.
Behave yourself.
You're joking, aren't yer.
- No.
- Shit.
I actually think
I'm being quite reasonable
- given the circumstances.
- Fuck off is it reasonable?
You stole, and presumably
..killed, her bees.
I can't just let you
walk out of here scot free
like you're Elton fucking John
or something.
What are you fucking on about?
Are we in a parallel fucking universe?
Where you can ask young men
to willingly give up
their fucking digits.
Think about it dude.
It's fucking nuts.
It's like the scene
in fucking Robin Hood.
Kev Costner and the start of
the film.
Cuts his fucking hand off.
Come on man.
- Maybe you're right.
- Good.
(SIGHS)
Some toes?
No, not toes.
- What's he gonna do with toes?
- Toes is worse.
It is not a negotiation.
Look. You lot aren't leaving here
unless someone gets something chopped.
I'll give you ten minutes.
That's fucking good of him.
I think we all know who it should be.
(ALL SAY DIFFERENT NAME)
- What do you mean Vinnie?
- You fucking gobshite.
(ALL ARGUING)
Stop! Fucking shush!
They'll hear us.
Alright. Just
It should be, it should be me.
Motherfuckers.
You're fucking straight in
with your
Of course, it should be you.
Of course, it should be you, you
it was your all your idea,
this whole thing, stealing the bees.
Hang on
..Cardi.
Hey?
All I am saying is I know people
who have woken up
missing more than just a finger.
Huh?
Desperate times
Fuck me. Fucking hell. Jesus Christ.
- We shouldn't be considering it.
- You can't be
He's a fucking sweet lamb.
He's a star child.
How the fuck
is he gonna make sandwiches
with a fucking missing finger?
(BANGING AND SCRAPING)
- JJ!
- I thought I could hear you lot.
What are you doing in the cellar?
FONTAINES D.C.:
Boys In The Better Land ♪
Hiyah.
Dyldo, come and grab Cardi.
Alright guys
Oh, fuck.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Right lads, I have done this before.
And the important thing
..is to just relax in
Little cunts.
(CARDI MOANING AND GROANING)
You're not alive
until you start kicking. ♪
When the room is spinning
and the words ain't sticking. ♪
His elbow's in my crotch!
Fuck me!
Get out of the fucking van!
Ahh look, is this a thing?
BOTH: Yeah.
This is lovely
Oh shit.
You little fucker!
(SCREAMS) Oh my God!
Oh my God!
What the fuck?!
Told you bees were fucking dangerous.
SOUL SURVIVORS: Mama Soul ♪
(PHONE ALERT)
Yeah alright, Mr Popular.
It's a fucking nightmare.
Half of these are from Chinese Dan
wondering where the fuck his bees are.
Talk to him tomorrow
It's not too late
to go see her, you know.
Sorry! I'm sorry I'm late.
Is it rude that I started without you?
Just get in there, it's freezing!
I just wanted to check that
the engine was running OK. But
..it seems fine though.
So, what did happen to all them bees?
Don't know and I don't care.
ERYKAH BADU: On And On ♪
Oh my, my, my. ♪
(BUZZING)
I'm feeling high. ♪
My money's gone ♪
I'm all alone. ♪
D'you really think
he would've cut your finger off?
Yeah I do! Yeah.
He was a very frightening man.
That's a pretty good excuse
for being so late.
- Are you warm enough?
- Yeah. I'm fine. Feel.
Look at them tiny hands,
look at them guys.
Jesus, you're like a borrower.
Oh, what the fuck is that?
(CHUCKLES)
I nearly forgot about him, one sec.
I need to feed him actually
Do you wanna see him?
SMOKEY ROBINSON AND THE MIRACLES:
You Really Got A Hold On Me ♪
- Is it real?
- Have a touch.
He's lovely y'know.
When I found him, he was really weak.
But if give them a chance
..they do come to yer.
They'll surprise yer.
Little fatty.
You sure you're warm enough.
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- It is cold, innit it?
You've really got a hold on me. ♪
Really got a hold on me. ♪
You've really got a hold on me. ♪
Really got a hold- ♪
Vin!
Shit.
I need to speak to you.
It's really important.
It's fine,
I need to use the bathroom anyway.
Oh, erm
Vinnie?
I'm coming, hun.
- In you come.
- Vin
- What's going on?
- It's McCann.
I've really fucked up.
What the fuck do you mean McCann?
What're you talking about?
Right, I didn't get the money from
the bank for the Rat and Cutter.
Oh my God.
Listen. Listen.
Right, he gave me a big float
to put through the books.
That's fucking
money laundering, innit?
I know and it was in the safe
that Ronnie and Keithy stole.
How much?
How much Erin?
Thirty thousand.
And he wants it back
by the end of the month.
- Hi.
- Hi.
It's OK.
Sorry I I di-I didn't realise
you had company.
- OK, I'll call you tomorrow?
- OK. I'm sorry Sam
Don't worry.
Erm, yeah. Tyler, he erm
Right, he wouldn't do anything
to Tyler would he? He wouldn't.
- It was j it was a threat.
- What did he say about Tyler?
He knows what school he goes to.
And he was saying something
about kids having accidents
Something
I'm just really worried.
Nothing's happening to that boy,
can you hear me?
(MUFFLED) I'm so scared.
Don't be scared.
Nothing's gonna happen to that boy.
I'm gonna fix it.
You're done.
What're you doing here?
I need to talk to you man. Alone.
I think we've got a problem.
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