Cold Feet (1997) s03e07 Episode Script

This is the happiest day of my life.
l love you, Rachel.
This is the best day of my life! l love you, Adam! Right.
Let's get this show on the road, shall we? Wedding cake.
You need to order it now, so that it will arrive on time.
l've made a list.
Traditional fruit cake, lemon zest, chocolate gateau, Victoria sponge and carrot cake.
My advice, skip the carrot, no-one likes it.
lt's a vegetable.
Then you need to decide how many tiers, what little figures to go on top.
And whether you want it with ice cream, raspberry coulis or créme Anglais.
Could you go through that again, please? What is it? lt's an electric wok for stir-fries.
Haven't we got a Chinese takeaway for stir-fries? - lt's either that or more towels.
- All this useless stuff! Adam! God, if you had your way, you'd have our wedding list at an off-licence! That's not a bad idea.
- Put it on the list.
- l'll put it on the list.
Can we go home now? ''Marquee Magic - our top tent hits.
'' ''Bridal bouquets - we pick five of the best.
'' There's an article here on confetti, for Christ's sake! Who reads this bollocks, apart from us? Nice article on bridal lingerie, though.
Ow! What? What is it? lt's an electric wok for stir-fries.
- What do they want that for? - lt's either that or towels.
They wouldn't have put it on the wedding list if they didn't want it.
(Echoing clang) See you later.
Hold on, please, Adam.
Aren't you forgetting something? What? The list.
Oh, God! Yeah.
l put it here somewhere.
Yeah.
There you are.
On the back of a Chinese menu? l make it 24 people.
What about you? 1 43.
You're joking! - You're not joking? - 1 43 is my absolute minimum.
But that's like 1 67 guests.
l don't even know that many people.
Adam, it's our wedding.
What did you think it would be like? What's wrong with a few close mates, some drinks, a bit of a laugh? Maybe some ten-pin bowling.
Back here for a curry and a vid? Adam, l don't think you're taking this wedding seriously.
l am! Fooksy, Carsey, Spence.
- Do you know anyone with a proper name? - They're my mates! Bucket, Bazza, Tommo.
lt's the cast of Grange Hill.
Where's your parents? My parents hate each other's guts! l don't want to watch them throw chairs at each other! - Mine are hardly easy.
- So, don't invite them! Why don't we spend the day with people we like? - Don't be rude about my parents.
- Why not? You are! l'm allowed to.
They're my parents.
Of course l'm inviting them.
That's what weddings are for.
l don't see why we're getting married if all we do is just act embarrassed about it! Huh? This is ridiculous.
l can't stay and argue.
l've got to go and meet Pete.
Fine.
You go down the pub.
l will do everything.
You can just turn up on the day.
For your information, Pete is very, very depressed.
l'm going to the pub to cheer him up, OK? - l'm over the bloody moon! - l'm made up for you.
She's fantastic.
She's gorgeous.
Do you know what's really under-rated? - Drinking on your own? - No, kissing.
l mean, top-flight kissing.
Premier league kissing.
You kiss the same person for the rest of your life, it becomes boring.
Dull, routine, a habit like shaking hands.
You kiss someone new, it's mind-blowing.
lt's like the nerve endings in your mouth, they come alive.
Do you know what, we were kissing the other day, non-stop for aboutthree hours.
Je t'aimeMoi Non Plus (instrumental) When we finished kissing, she had this funny little eczema mark on her mouth.
She's a very lucky lady.
Oh, yes, she is.
l'd forgotten how good a kisser l am.
Not too hard, not too soft, not too wet but tender, inquisitive.
Can we change the subject? And we talk, really talk.
She's into me and what l've got to say.
Bizarre.
l keep expecting her to glaze over, but she doesn't.
lt's not just idle chit-chat.
lt's big stuff.
Universal issues.
lf mankind truly has free will, rather than the illusion of free will, then surely, religious faithis a delusion.
Take, for example, a tree falling in the forest.
- Good point, well made.
- Wait, it gets better.
The way l see it, the team's weakness is in our back four and it always has been.
You can have the best strikers in the world, but if you're scared to push forward What? We're actually dating in the daytime now, without alcohol or anything.
Sober dating, my God! What did you do? - Walked through the park.
Played Pooh-sticks.
- Pooh-sticks? You get two sticks, right.
Stand on the edge of a bridge.
Aw! ADAM: l know what Pooh-sticks is.
My God, you're smitten, aren't you? You're in deep smit! l know.
lt's like l've found the Holy Grail: intelligent, attractive, affectionate woman, who's not that fussed! - l'm very happy for you.
- Well, you don't sound it.
Oh, l am.
l am, l am, l am, l am, l'm sorry.
lt's just Rachel and l are arguing about the wedding again.
Well, they do say it's one of the four most stressful things you do in life.
After? Moving house.
Divorce.
Death.
But it shouldn't be, though, should it? lt should be fun.
lnstead, we're arguing like a married couple.
You were the one who got that engagement ring.
- Well, that's another of the problems.
- What? l still haven't bought her the engagement ring.
Glad you called me, Adam.
Jewellery is a terribly important investment.
You shouldn't rush in uninformed.
So, which one's the best? There isn't really a best.
lt's not as if you're buying hi-fi equipment.
lt's just a matter of taste.
So, what about that one? No, that's far too cheap.
You think that's too cheap? Well, you are supposed to spend a month's salary.
One month's salary? You're kidding.
Who says that? The jewellers.
One month's worth of my current salary? Why can't l spend one month's worth of Pete's? Do you mind? l do all right, me.
What if l spend less? That's fine, but it is traditional.
And it's a symbol of your love and devotion.
All right, then.
ln that case Come here, come here.
ln that case, what about that one? - Which one? - That one.
That's a beauty! ls that really how much you earn? Well, no.
Not quite.
That's two months' salary! - But can you afford it? - Well, no, of course not.
But Rachel's worth it, just about.
What do you think? lt's very glamorous.
But do you really think you should be buying jewellery by the pound? Absolutely.
lf l'm spending that much, l want her to know about it.
Oi, come here, you, l want a word.
Don't start, Pete, please.
Have you knocked it on the head yet? No, not yet.
- You mean you're still seeing her? - l haven't even spoken to her.
- Well, you need to speak to her.
- Do l? Can't l just not return her calls? No.
You have to arrange a meeting where you tell her firmly and politely that this whole thing is over.
Otherwise, she'll turn up at your house out of the blue.
No, she wouldn't do that.
Darling, l'm home! Something smells good.
Ahhh! Yeah, you're right.
l will call her.
ls yours on solids yet? Not just yet, no.
Little Polly Peachums had her first solids last night, didn't you, bu-bu-bu-bunny? - Nice firm stools? - Me or the baby? Sorry.
Ah, look at her tiny, weeny, little toes.
They're so small.
Of course she's got small feet.
She's a baby.
She's hardly likely to have flapping great size tens! Please, girls, can we just face facts here? There's nothing more boring than other people's babies.
They poo, they sleep, they poo, they sleep they grab hold of your little finger.
They occasionally vomit.
They are all the same and they are all boring.
Except your baby.
Your baby is both boring and ugly.
Don't suppose anyone's got a fag on them, have they? Chin-chin.
- Karen, you didn't? - No, of course l didn't.
l was very polite, very interested.
And we talked about chapped nipples and bowel movements and sleeping patterns.
lt was the local branch of the Stepford Wives, David.
l was bored out of my skull.
How was your day? ls that gin? Yeah.
You know where the vases are.
Are you still angry with me? lt'll take more than a few lilies, you know.
Rach, come here to me.
No.
- Rach, look at me.
- No.
Aren't you meant to promise to obey me? Not yet, mate.
Anyway, promising to obey went out a long time ago.
Not in lreland.
Look l just wanted to say how sorry l am for not pulling my weight with the wedding.
And that l adore you and that l'm desperate, absolutely gagging to marry you with as much fuss as possible, in front of as many people as you want.
And to show you how serious l am, this .
.
is for you.
ls this what l think it is? Might be.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Do you like it? Adam, l think it's absolutely incredible.
lt's incredible.
- lt is, isn't it? - Really something.
- God, yeah.
- Must have gone to loads of trouble getting that.
How do you mean? You try finding Christmas crackers at this time of year! Jenny, it's not funny.
- Well, l like it.
- Yeah, so so l.
l think it's a good, fun engagement ring.
l'm just mucking about.
Let's have another look at it.
What's the stone, then? Kidney stone, l think.
God, do you remember that awful brooch that David bought me that time? Oh, that one with that bit of his hair in it.
That was actually truly disgusting, wasn't it? Well, you know what? l love it.
l do.
Good, that's the important thing.
l mean, obviously, he didn't spend much money on it, but l don't want an expensive engagement ring.
And, anyway, it's the thought that counts.
l'm sure l will come to love it.
Yeah, l think you will.
l will, won't l? l mean, you don't think it'll be an albatross around my neck? Except an albatross around her neck would actually have looked nicer! Poor Rach.
What is she going to do? l think if it was me, l'd just come out with it and say, ''Adam, l think that's beautiful, l love it, now give us the bloody till receipt.
'' Mm-hm.
Have you just listened to anything l've said? Sorry, my mind was elsewhere.
Yeah, on Find A Fortune.
Don't break your concentration.
l was thinking about work, actually.
Eh, l was watching that! Have you got any interest in my friends at all? No, not really.
l don't care about Rachel's ring.
l couldn't give a toss where the wedding's going to be.
ln fact, l might not even go to the wedding myself.
Not going? No, why should l? Your friends couldn't care less if l did or not.
They're rude, they're self-satisfied.
They look straight through me.
Karen's the only one that makes an effort.
To everyone else l'm just a bloke for Pete to glare at.
- lt's not that bad.
- lt is, Jen.
Adam's still calling me Richard, for Christ's sake.
l know he's doing it to piss me off.
Funny thing is, it's really starting to work.
Listen, Pete and l were together a long time.
They're bound to be a bit Hostile? lndifferent? Wary.
Fancy a cup of tea, Richard? Ha, ha.
Yes.
- What exactly are we playing at? - You'll see.
lt's a surprise! A nice surprise? That depends.
OK.
Take it off.
What do you think? lt's very nice.
What about it? This is it.
This is the surprise.
What, we've joined the National Trust? He doesn't get it.
lt's where you're getting married! l don't think so.
No, seriously.
Tell him, Jen.
We've tried everywhere.
The only thing left is scout huts or the back of pubs, apart from here.
They had a last-minute cancellation.
lt's all available two weeks from now.
What do you think? l think you've both gone completely insane! No, Adam! Wait, wait.
Just imagine it, just for a minute.
OK.
We have the ceremony over by the lake Late afternoon, everybody all dressed up, looking out over the water as we make our vows.
Then the sound of champagne corks popping And a string quartet playing And children running about the lawn, playing games.
And then as the sun sets, we all sit down under the marquee and drink and laugh and eat.
Nothing fancy, you know, just a buffet, but loads of champagne Sparkling wine maybe.
And then, as the sun rises, we ride off onto our honeymoon with the sound of music and laughter still ringing in the night air.
- Ow! - How much? Well, obviously, it's not going to be cheap, is it? But, Adam, it's once in a lifetime.
Twice, technically.
- How much? - l'm sure we could get a loan.
- Rachel? - OK.
Here's a quote.
1 50 peoplewith buffet.
What do you think? ls this to rent it or buy it? l'm probably going to regret this.
OK.
You win.
Are you sure? Course.
Let's do it.
Thank you! That's brilliant! Ow, ow, ow! God, your ring's stuck in my hair.
Sorry.
lt's nice, though, isn't it? Thank you.
You have beautiful lips.
Or you have sexy eyes.
And an adverb is a word that describes a verb or an action.
You smile radiantly.
You dance brilliantly.
You er you smell lovely.
Sort of.
Except in that case the word smell is not something l'm actually doing.
lt's an intransitive verb.
So, it's got two meanings, you see.
Right.
l wish l'd had a teacher like you when l was a kid.
Do you want to go to bed? No, no, it's it's well early.
lt's not even ten yet.
No, you can stay for a bit if you want to.
No, l meant with me.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He said, reluctantly.
No, no, it's not like that.
Oh, l don't know how to put this.
l think l think you're brilliant.
l think you're gorgeous.
lt's justl can't help but think this is some sort of bet or or a practical joke, you know.
Pete, will you stop putting yourself down? Look, it's like this.
l l haven't been to bed with anyone except Jenny for 1 5 years and to be honest .
.
l'm a bit nervous.
Whoa, whoa, aren't you forgetting something here? - What? - lsn't this a slight rewriting of history, lover boy? - Why? - The small matter of you having had an affair.
- You weren't so coy and virginal then.
- l'm hardly going to tell her that, am l? l'm not stupid.
This is different.
l know it's early days, but l think me and Emma, we've got a future together and l don't want to go and spoil it.
- By sleeping with her? - Exactly.
l'll tell you something terrible, right.
When l first went out with Robert, around the third date, something like that, l was thinking to myself, just to see what it sounded like Jenny Brown.
Mrs Jenny Brown.
He flies me off to New York and buys me all them flowers.
And frankly l'm deciding how many kids we're having and the design on my ''Robert loves Jenny'' tattoo.
Three months later, we haven't got a bloody thing to say to each other.
Sounds familiar.
He is still coming to the wedding, isn't he? What wedding? Oh, my God, sorry, your wedding! Right, wouldn't miss it for the world.
A-ha! What is it about women and weddings, anyway? The slightest whiff of confetti and Rachel turns into this bouquet-wielding monster.
That engagement ring cleared me out and now we're hiring this ridiculous castle.
And it's all ice sculptures and six different kinds of bread rolls.
l keep expecting to find out it's being televised! l mean, do you have any idea just how much a string quartet costs? Can't say l do.
How about a trio? Hey, what do you think? Can't you wear the one you wear for work? l'll get it dry-cleaned.
Nice place, don't you think? Mm.
No windows.
What? Discreet.
No-one can look in and see us.
Don't worry, David.
l'm not going to cry.
l've been in hell since .
.
what happened happened.
Not that it wasn't exciting.
l don't regret it for a second.
You just wish it had never happened.
l love Karen and l don't want to do anything else to hurt her.
Sometimes, you know, l just find myself longing for a huge, great big bloody row.
Spice things up a bit, get things out in the open, make it a bit more interesting.
Hey, that's my car! The cheeky bastard is stealing my car! Oi! Karen! Oi! Karen! - What's she doing? - Karen, you won't catch him! Oi! Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Oi! (Ramona whoops) Go on, Karen! Go on, Karen! l thank you.
(Siren) To be honest, l'm quite angry with you, David.
l mean, not calling me.
What did you think l was going to do? Turn up at your house and kill your rabbits? Argh! No, of course not.
What we did was fun, but it wasn't that much fun.
lf you brought me here to tell me that you were leaving your wife, l'd have run out of the nearest fire exit.
l sort of knew there was no future in it.
But l still think it's a shame.
Oh, my God.
l don't believe it.
- What? - lt's Jenny's boyfriend Robert.
Hide! Hide in the toilets! l am not hiding in the toilets.
And that's why this merger is such great news for the company.
Just stay calm, it's perfectly innocent.
David.
Robert.
How are you? l'm fine, l'm fine.
This is Sarah, a business associate of mine.
This is Jessica, my colleague from the office.
Pleased to meet you.
Now, if you'll excuse me, l'll see you back at the office.
Goodbye, David.
Thanks for lunch.
Bye, see you at the office.
Jessica! Jessica! l'm so sorry about that.
At least you know it won't happen again.
Be a shame to get caught with your pants down, when you've almost got away with it.
lt's not a question of getting away with it.
Please, let's not leave it like this.
Can't we go somewhere else and talk? You're a nice man, David.
But you can also be an insensitive, patronising, cowardly little prick.
Goodbye.
l'm so sorry! Good meeting? Pretty much, yeah.
David, it's not what it seems, you know.
- She's just an old friend.
- Yes, of course.
- l wouldn't do anything like that to Jenny.
- l'm sure you wouldn't.
So it's probably best if we just keep this to ourselves, yeah? Yes.
Yes, l understand.
Glass houses, stones and all that.
Exactly.
You seem to know the drill.
You've not done bad there, though, mate.
(Horn beeps) Well, if l may say so, l think Jenny deserves a lot better.
l could say the same thing about your wife.
(Mobile phone rings) Hi.
David, it's me.
Where the hell have you been? l've been calling your office.
No, it's not the twins, David.
lt's me.
l've been arrested.
An assault charge.
My own wife.
A criminal record.
l'm sure the jury will acquit her.
Why didn't you stop her, Rach? l was too scared.
l mean, she can get really angry, can't she? Yeah.
Yeah, she can.
Well, l'm just sorry l wasn't there to see it.
Maybe she could help out with security at the wedding? ln case things get out of hand.
Just an idea.
Oh, here she comes.
The Altrincham One! Are you all right? What's happened? l'm absolutely fine.
They let me off with a reprimand.
Which, if you ask me, is an absolute disgrace.
l'm very sorry, officer.
This will not happen again.
Thanks.
That was lovely.
Do you not think that's a little bit advanced for him, Pete? No.
You can handle it, can't you, tiger? lt's little bits of plastic that he's going to eat.
You might as well have given him a set of steak knives.
That is absolute rubbish.
Kids love a challenge, don't you? - Who told you that, your teacher friend? - No.
How is Miss Jean Brodie, anyway? - Why do you always have to do this? - What? You know! Adam.
Why don't you go and watch telly in the other room, mate? Yeah? Good boy.
Go on.
Jen, l think we need to have a serious conversation.
Sounds a bit scary.
What is it, your GCSE options? l think we should get divorced.
Right.
Oh, dear.
Well, l've got to say, Pete, after all these years, you're still full of surprises.
lt's what you wanted, isn't it? l mean, that's what happens when people break up.
Yeah.
l just don't know what the bloody hurry is all of a sudden.
- Haven't got that poor girl pregnant, l hope? - No.
l think it's just time for a change.
You're with Robert, l'm with Emma.
lt's time to put the past behind us.
lt's time .
.
time to move on.
Jenny, sit down, please.
This has to happen.
Right.
Good.
Oh, they let your mummy out of prison.
Hello, my darlings.
Hello.
Ramona, l'd prefer it if you didn't mention any of this assault business in front of Josh.
Why not? You should have seen her, David.
She was so brave.
- You should be proud of her.
- Why, thank you, Ramona.
l just don't want Josh worrying.
For goodness' sake, David, l lost my temper, that's all.
What if something had happened to you? What if the man had been armed? What then? You're a mother, Karen.
You've responsibilities to the family.
You cannot behave recklessly like this any more.
Would you excuse us for a moment, please, Ramona? - Will you be OK? - Yeah.
l'll be up in a minute.
Bye-bye.
Why did you marry me, David? What? For the sake of argument, please remind me.
What did you see in me? Did l actually have any discernible personality of my own? Was l sexy? Was l attractive? Did l make you laugh? Or was l just good, strong, reliable stock to continue the Marsden family name? l married you because l loved you.
Oh, is that ''loved you'' past tense? Oh, this is absurd.
Because what l did today might have been stupid and irresponsible but at least it wasn't sensible or reliable.
You have absolutely no concern about my well-being whatsoever, do you? Your only concern was that the twins might miss their six o'clock feed, as if l was some kind of bloody milking machine! That is absolutely not true.
l was desperately concerned about you.
Then why don't you show it? My god! We never talk any more.
We barely make love.
l've got no idea what you're thinking, what's going on in your life.
None at all.
You act like you're scared of me, and do you know what, l'm bored of you.
Really bored.
We never used to be like this, did we? Karen.
Listen.
We're obviously just going through a rough patch.
All marriages have them.
lt's been like this for an awfully long time, David.
Yes, l know.
l am sorry.
l'm sorry.
So what are we going to do? Excuse me.
Excuse me! Oi.
Are you talking to me? Are you Miss Keaton's new fella? l might be.
Who wants to know? She said your breath smells like fish paste.
Yeah, well, yours smells of dog muck! Cos l can smell it from here.
- No, that's your mum's breath.
- That's your mum's breath.
- Come here and say that! - Are you gonna make me? - You don't make rubbish.
lt just happens.
- Are you talking to me or are you chewing a Everything all right, Pete? Have you not got homes to go to? Yes, Miss.
- Sorry about that.
- That's OK.
So what do you want to do? Well, l was gonna take you for something to eat, but they've nicked my dinner money.
What are you doing? Nothing.
You just smell nice, that's all.
Pervert.
- You got any tea here? - Mm-hm.
What are you playing at, then? Stop sniffing me and go and make us a cup of tea.
- And Pete - What? Come back to bed.
l'll put the kettle on.
Say something, Jen.
Sorry, l'm just sort of taking it in.
l haven't been chucked since l was 1 2.
l don't really know what to say.
- Have you met somebody else? Honest? - No.
Honest, no.
lt's not about anybody else, it's not about you either.
lt'sit's me.
l just need some space.
Sorry, is there any chance of you talking in something other than clichés here? ''lt's not you, it's me.
'' ''l need to move on, l need some space.
'' Bloody hell lt's how l feel, Jen.
What is it about men and space anyway? What do you do with it all? Do you just run around in it? Obviously, it's nothing to do with me having a kid.
- No, of course not.
- No? Oh, go on, admit it, please! You know, it was fun, wasn't it, playing at being a dad for a bit, and now now the novelty's worn off, you'd rather just duck out? No, not really.
lt's not that easy, you know, Jen.
Most blokes, they wouldn't have got involved in the first place.
- lt's a big responsibility, you know.
- That is very big of you.
Thank you so much.
Now listen to me.
My son is next door and l don't want him to see you here and if it is such a big responsibility, l'm going to have to ask you to piss off.
- Anything good? - Bills.
Bills.
Bills.
BOTH: l wish they'd stop sending us Bill's mail.
Why exactly am l marrying you? - l have no idea.
- l'm off.
- Where are you going? - Shopping.
What, again? Oh, please, God, tell me it's for a pint of milk.
lt's for bridesmaids' outfits.
What? What's funny? lt's just the idea of Jenny and Karen as bridesmaids.
Aren't they a little old or something? Don't you have to be a virgin for that? Not necessarily.
David could be a page boy.
l bet he already owns a sailor suit.
- Have you contacted your parents? - No.
- Have you ordered the cake? - l'm doing it this afternoon.
Well, then, there's lots for you to do.
Who's paying for the bridesmaids' outfits? Bye! Rachel! What do you think? Great.
The Beverley Sisters.
Jenny.
Well, you look gorgeous.
You look really lovely.
l just don't think it's very me.
l mean, l look like a toilet dolly.
lt just needs taking out a bit, that's all.
Yes, taken out and shot.
Do you not think, Rach, they're just a little bit dressy? - OK.
Take them off.
- Can't we just wear our own stuff? Fine.
Let's all roll up in bloody T-shirt and jeans.
l didn't mean that.
You know, maybe l shouldn't have any bridesmaids.
Rach - What? - We're supposed to be helping her, Jenny.
You can talk.
You're hardly the life and soul.
Anyway, what are you going to do? Assault me? What is wrong with you? Oh, l don't know.
l just.
.
l don't feel very bloody romantic.
Why? What's happened? RACHEL: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! l've lost my engagement ring! Need a man Speak your mind and tell me what you want l'm gonna give up what l've got All you need to know is do me right lt's got to be somewhere.
When did you last have it on, Rachel? lt was last night.
l remember because l snagged another jumper on it.
God, this is pointless.
lt could be anywhere, couldn't it? lt's probably on the street somewhere.
- Oh, God, can you just tell him? - No, l cannot! He'll be absolutely furious.
He loved that ring.
l am so stupid.
l think you should own up, Rachel.
lt's not like it cost very much money.
And do me right Do me right Yeah.
Can l help you? Hi.
Yes, you can.
l'm looking for a ring.
lt's a very particular kind of ring.
lt's sort of .
.
sort of big with a large, central stone and lots of little red stones surrounding it.
- Like this one? - No.
No.
- More tacky.
- More vulgar.
Like this one? Yeah, similar.
That! That's the one.
Yeah, um What's that? What's what? That number there.
That's the price.
Adam.
l've just been doing some sums.
- And? - And l think we're in really big trouble.
l think we've got to scale down a bit.
Thank you, God.
Yeah.
l've been looking at the budget and our figures just don't add up.
So we can lose the string quartet? Yeah.
And the video-photographer, and the bridesmaids' dresses and the cake.
And you know what, it still doesn't add up.
Oh, my God, what the bloody shite is that? - What? - That thing on your finger.
- lt's my ring.
- No, no, no! This is your ring! - We all looked over the house for it! - She left it on the toilet cistern! Her engagement ring, for crying out loud! Why weren't you wearing the frigging thing? l don't know.
Because my arm was tired from lugging it around! - You told me you loved it! - Well, l don't.
l hate it.
Look at it! Only you could spend so much money on something so cheap! - Can l say something? - Why spend so much? We can't afford it.
Oh, yes, you know what the reason for that is, don't you? You have invited the bloody phone book to this ridiculous, pretentious wedding! - Pretentious? You bloody cheapskate! - Huh? Me? A cheapskate? - Got it.
Don't get married.
- What? Well, call off the sodding wedding.
Do it now, before you lose your catering deposit.
lt's obviously a rotten, stinking idea anyway.
All you do is slag each other off.
So what's the bloody point? Jenny? l don't know why l'm helping you anyway.
Of all the people to ask, you asked the sodding divorcee! You're getting divorced? Pete's idea.
lronic, innit? Yeah.
Apparently, he wants to move on.
And you know Robert, your great mate, who you made to feel so very welcome, he's buggered off an'all.
You've finished with Robert? No.
Robert's finished with me.
Apparently he ''needs his space''.
Nice, innit? You can lob him off your bloody table plan.
- Jenny, why didn't you tell us? - Because you weren't listening, that's why.
Shit, what's the point? l mean Sort out your own stupid wedding.
You can have it on Mars for all l care.
Jenny, don't go.
Hi, Karen.
How long would it take you to get ready? - What for? - For dinner.
What do you think? David, you know l can't go out for dinner.
l've got to bath the twins.
No, l'm going to bath the kids.
Put them to bed.
Everything.
What is going on? Nothing sinister.
Ramona has offered to baby-sit tonight.
Yeah, well, l didn't exactly want to.
But you know David, he bribe me.
''Bribed'', Ramona, past tense.
You've already got your money.
Now, here, take this.
The bath is run, the cab will be here in half an hour.
- The cab? - Yeah, so we can get absolutely blasted.
Off you go.
Hello again.
We want to know what your returns policy is? You want to return an engagement ring? Well, two actually.
Nice surprise.
What do you want, a cup of sugar? No.
Just passing.
Not really on your way home, Pete.
l got lost.
- Can l come in? - Yeah, sorry.
lf it's about the D word, l've got an appointment with a solicitor next week.
- Thursday, something like that.
- Let's not talk about that tonight, eh, love? You've heard, then? Come to gloat, have you? l don't blame you.
l mean, l can see there's a certain sort of poetic justice.
No, look, don't be daft.
l've come here to see how you are.
So, how are you? l'm all right.
Shit, actually, Pete.
l'm not really all right.
l'msort of really, really awful, actually.
Everything's gone wrong, Pete.
Everything's gone wrong.
l don't know what l don't know what l'm going to do.
l'm sorry.
l thought this year we should have a holiday.
A proper one, you know, for three weeks or a month.
Hang the expense.
Somewhere with full childcare facilities.
- David? - Where you can really put your feet up.
Somewhere extremely hot.
What have you been up to? l'm sorry? Over the years, l've just happened to notice that your charm offensives usually coincide with you feeling guilty, so, come on, tell me what you've done.
- Nothing.
Really.
- Nothing? Really? Really.
Nothing.
All right, there is something.
l have a confession.
l've been guilty of taking you for granted.
Yesterday, you were right.
Yes, l just always expect you to be there, because the idea of you not being there is just unthinkable.
And l just wanted to show you in my usual, inept way that l'm .
.
you know, very content.
No, not just content, l'mhappy.
Happy and proud to be your husband.
An expensive meal is not going to do it, though, is it, David? Yeah, l know.
We've had expensive meals before.
Yeah, l know.
But l would do anything, absolutely anything to make our marriage work again! l know l don't deserve you.
l know that.
And l'm sorry.
l'm sorry.
There's something else l wanted to talk to you about.
What? Don't worry.
lt's nothing sinister.
lt's about Adam and Rachel.
What do you think? l thinkit's absolutely beautiful.
Well, that's what you said about the last one.
Believe me, it is a lot nicer than the last one.
Sorry about all that.
lt all got a bitfraught, didn't it? That's all right.
We'll just do the wedding a bit differently, that's all.
You don't mind about all those lost deposits? Ah, it's only money.
Anyway, how could l possibly be upset about anything when l'm about to be married to the best, most beautiful woman in the world? That's a nice thing to say.
Yes, l thought so.
(Doorbell) - Who's that? lf it's the bailiffs, don't let them take the telly.
Do you know, l've been thinking, right.
Why don't we go for one of those amicable divorces, where we split up but you still remain friends.
Do you fancy that? Smashing idea.
Me and my second wife could go on a caravanning holiday with you and your second husband.
Right, what bloody second husband? Oh, come on, don't be daft.
You're bound to get another bloke.
Top bird like you.
That's if your body holds up.
Oh, Pete, you little charmer.
- Hi, Adam.
- Oh.
Hi.
Sorry.
Karen has told me all about your financial embarrassment, and it occurred to me that we might be able to help you out of your difficulty, so to speak.
Part-time cleaning work? No, we were just wondering if you'd like to have the wedding reception at our house.
Really? God, that would be amazing.
That's a lot of hassle.
- Are you sure you don't mind? - Of course not.
lt would be an honour.
lt was David's idea.
Underneath that harsh exterior, he's actually quite sentimental.
Well, you know.
Think of it as a wedding present.
Though we have actually bought you a present as well.
David, l don't know what to say.
Well, that's what friends are for.
- l don't think l want another fella anyway.
- You will.
No, l'm off the whole romance rubbish.
l just want somebody there for breakfast.
A bit of company, a bit of sex every now and then, you know.
Not a lot to ask for, is it? l'd better be off.
Do you have to? l'm afraid so.
Why don't you stay the night, eh? Obviously, stay the night in the spare room, not in ournot in my room.
Obviously.
l can't, Jen.
OK.
l'm meeting Emma.
Fair enough.
Our timing's right up the spout, innit? Maybe, yeah.
Listen, um Better not keep her waiting.
You'd better go.
She might give you detention! No, no, eh, don't get up.
l'lll'll see myself out.
- See you.
- Yeah, see you.
Bye.