Comedy Showcase (2007) s03e07 Episode Script

1 You know what'll be big in the future? The end of everything horrid? No.
Hats for horses? No.
The electricity toothbrush.
See? I knocked one up out of bits and bobs.
Won't the electric get all over your teeth and gums? No.
I love the future, don't you? Absolutely.
Yes, it's super.
How's the fiancee? Fanny? Also super.
Actually, I've been drawing her too.
Rowdy.
Is she still insisting on this virginity thing? Yeah.
There's a lot you can do if you read the small print.
Absolutely.
We've all sat there counting the alternative orifices.
We've all done it.
Enter! Your paper, sir.
As usual, I removed anything depressing or bothersome.
Good man.
There is, um, something of interest on page two.
Oh, listen.
"British Empire voted best ever empire.
" Splendid.
Er no, sir, it's Oh, that's so woof! Little Tich and the Monkey Twins are playing again.
My God! That is woof.
"Double your monkey!" "I would if I could!" Archie, biddle up some tickets for Felix and me, would you? Shall I biddle up one for myself, sir? No, don't do that.
Ooh! That,and the Olympics in London! It's all so splendid.
Felix! It's five past noon.
Oh, no! We're missing lunch.
You're missing work! No, they were Well, yes, they were, but just before that, he said, "You can't run the family-owned bank single-handed with your parents dead "so make sure your brother Felix pulls his weight.
" He should have gone with, "I'm slipping away," shouldn't he? I love you, Winnie.
You're so biff.
You can't just make up words because you're posh.
I think I can.
Fancy a quick Gatwick? Steady, Murdo.
Winnie! Marry me.
We're too different.
You can change! Three.
There we are.
Good day.
I'm working! Fine-tuning the cash dispenser.
Five pence! It's cruel.
It's not, I'm saving him from a life up a chimney.
This is a robbery! Oh, darling Felix! Lovely Fanny, would you not do that, please? Oh, it's just a bit of fun! You silly vacuous tart.
Well, at least I don't wear stockings that are designed for comfort over looks.
That's not an insult.
It is.
Isn't it? Winnie! Look! I designed this for you.
I was saving it for your next bout of depression, but have it now.
Oh, how like a man to think that he can buy me off with a present Oh! Oh, I love this! It's a summing machine, or calculatator.
Does it need a small boy? No, no, you just pedal.
Oh.
Just popping out to buy some of those little pencils we use in the bank.
Oh, this is going to change our lives forever, Mrs Snivel.
Oh I'd like to leave a big deposit in your strongbox.
How like a man to mistake lewd euphemism for proper conversation.
And how like a lady to look pretty in a room.
What? Is Felix about? No.
He's gone out to buy some of those little pencils we use in the bank.
Ow! Could we go out and buy some of those little little pencils you use in the bank? No.
How do? Do you exchange dollars? Yes, we do.
We are a bank.
So is the Royal Bank of Money up the street and they chased me out with a stick.
Well done, them.
Be on your way, now.
Go on.
What? No! I welcome anyone from the land of the free, brimming with new ideas and spunk.
Good God, man! What have you got in your mouth? American teeth.
So, you're competing in the Olympics? Yes sir, ma'am, the javelin.
It's like a pointy pole.
I know what it is, thanks.
We had a picture of one at school.
So do you have your own or or do they give you one? I have my own.
It's quite something.
Stop that and get out! How dare you tell people I respect to stop that now and get out? You get out.
You can tell me to stop telling people you respect to stop that now and get out, and you get out, but you can't stop me from loving you.
Good old anal, always goes down a storm.
Yes.
Tea-bagging for me, some richly-deserved banana relief and a pearl necklace for you.
Yes, indeed.
Frenzied mutual masturbation, also not to be sniffed at.
No, my favourite.
Do we really have to be married to have proper sex? Yes, we do.
It seems old-fashioned.
It's 1908, everything is so modern.
You can tell that to my parents tomorrow.
They're coming up to London for lunch.
Ooh.
Do you mind if I give it a miss? I'm pretty sure they don't like me.
Where do you get this idea? My birthday present.
Well, they wouldn't feel that way if you married me.
I mean, I do so want to be wed.
Ooh, me too! And this will make our fortune.
Oh.
Yes, I do love your inventions.
Oh, what is it? The electricity toothbrush.
Want to give it a try? I think the inventor should go first.
Maybe later.
After some more of that outercourse.
Oh.
Spot of motor-boating? Oh, absolutely.
Right, I'm competing in the Olympics! Hello! Lady with blouse undone, top of her chest partially revealed.
Oh, sorry.
Competing in which event? The javeline.
Do you mean the javelin? Yeah, javelin, whatever.
See you at my gaff for training, I'm on a roar.
Those are fun.
Next session, try leaning back a bit, you know.
At the moment, you're a bit The thing is, if I lean back I get fag ash on my chinny-chin.
It's a price worth paying, Murdo, to win Olympic gold.
I got Archie to spy on our American friend.
Run the cine-film, Archie.
Yes, sir.
I also tracked down two tickets for Little Tich and the Monkey Twins.
Oh, that's so woof! Good work, Archie! "Double your monkey!" "I would if I could!" Were they hard to get? It did involve an unsavoury sexual favour down the Old Kent Road, sir, but don't worry about that.
Righty-o.
Run the film, Archie.
Bloody Yanks.
Coming over to our Olympics, trying to win.
The cheating bastard's taking a run-up.
That is allowed, sir.
It's all right, we'll copy that.
My God, he's sensational.
He's taking it to a whole new level.
I can't compete with that.
Do you think we could off the top of my head, lure him to his death? No! That's not fair.
Well, that looks new and fun.
Forget it.
What's that? It's just something I've been working on in my spare time, sir.
I like the film where the train comes towards us, then just when you think it's about to hit us, in a neat twist, it in fact drives over us.
Yes, that's a good one, sir.
So, one tiny cocktail, then on to the mental side of winning.
The thing about the mental side of winning Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
is you've got to master what's known technically as the willies.
The willies? The willies.
What are the willies? Scientists have identified them as panicky little hormones made in the neck that run around in the spit that circulates in the body.
Scientists are brilliant.
So brilliant.
Anyway, to harness the willies, we need to take lots of drugs.
They big enough? No.
Are you going to be taking them too? Yes, the trainer has to take them.
Where did you get them from? Boots the Chemist.
In-between the throat lozenges and the cocaine.
Ahh.
You've, um, got a squirrel on the end of your prong thing.
I thought it was a big one.
My feet are like fish! Ha! Here, give us a hand with this.
Come on! Come on, let's hit the town.
Hey! Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, you're training.
You need an early night.
Come on.
Stupid machine! Have you tried turning it off and on again? Aagh! Oh no, Mrs Snivel's eaten the boy in the cash dispenser.
She's heavily pregnant, as you well know, and has been for 18 years.
I don't know how to stop it happening.
We've told you how.
Don't make me explain lesbianism again.
Where have you been, Felix? I am here working my bottom off.
Da-da-da, can we mind the language? And you roll up after lunch, reeking of amphetamines.
I slept through my alarm.
Oh, really?! Look, Winnie, I'm sorry.
Felix Ah! No! I forgot lunch.
I should have your balls beaten flat.
Win them over by being charming.
I love your face.
I want that hat, it's a top hat.
Well actually, it's not a top hat, is it? How's your metal leg? I love metal legs, so much better than skin.
How was the war? Was it horrid, or not so bad? He's hung-over.
Out all night with his posh, inbred friend.
I was in bed shortly after midnight.
You're a liar and the son of a whore.
Ah.
Make an honest woman of our Fanny, set a date for the wedding, now.
Or, would you like to open an account? Set a date.
A week next Saturday.
That'll do nicely.
I see the cost of the Olympics has soared to 12 guineas.
What's up? I've agreed to marry Fanny a week on Saturday.
You can't.
We're seeing Little Tich and the Monkey Twins in Paris.
Oh no! "Double your monkey.
" "I would if I could.
" You'll have to postpone the firing squad.
I can't.
Fanny's father would kick me with his metal leg and hold me down while his wife urinates on me.
Are you sure? Yes.
I have a plan.
We can't lure them to their deaths.
Oh.
I know, I'll invite them to a massive honking dinns and send my biff carriage with spoilers, they'll be tonked and forgive you.
Brilliant! Foolproof! And, I'll ask Winnie as my companion lady.
No, she's on a suffragettes' march today.
Yes, what is all this boats for women nonsense? Just give them a silly boat.
Think it's votes for women.
Well, they can't have that.
No, I have to win Winnie over.
I'll get the gold medal for her and give that Yankee a bloody nose while I'm at it.
This isn't awkward, it's sort of fun.
How do.
Shut your face.
How dare you? Would anyone like an absinthe? I'm so sorry, I'm new to suffragettes' marches.
Is it usual to break off from marching to shilly-shally with dubious Johnny-come-foreigner gentlemen? I am merely being friendly, showing Mr Masters nice parts of London.
Yeah, I bet you are, huh.
We stopped off for a quick noggin.
I bet you did, huh.
Who do you think you are? Murdo, Viscount Putney, Thane of Macklebokie, Haughty Nawab of Chittagong.
Come away, Murdo.
We've intensive training to do, and a wedding to sabotage.
Rising up back on the street I did my time took my chances Went the distance now I'm back on my feet Just a man and his will to survive So many times it happens too fast You trade your passion for glory Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past You must fight just to keep them alive It's the eye of the tiger It's the thrill of the fight Rising up to the challenge of our rival And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night And he's watching us all With the ey-y-y-e Of the tiger.
How do you know each other? We were at Cambridge College Oxford.
I don't know if you know, but Murdo owns the Isle of Wight.
Oh, most agreeable.
Gosh.
And I'm trying to get it renamed Fanny Island, in honour of our delightful Fanny here.
That would be nice.
About this wedding Oh, it's exciting, isn't it? Ruddy exciting! What if, to make it more exciting, we postponed it? Just for a few days.
I mean, Little Tich and the Monkey Twins are performing in Paris.
You consider my daughter less important than a performing midget? My personal view, yes we do.
"Double your monkey.
" Oh how could you? No, it's "I would if I could.
" Insulting my daughter, I challenge you to a duel.
What? I only want to postpone our wedding for a few days so I can go to a variety show.
Look, old soldier You're sitting in my wife's seat.
Yeah, look Why don't you just have her sit on your face and be done with it? Oh, I'm always open to new ideas.
He's joking.
He'd literally die rather than have your wife sit on his face.
For sitting in my wife's seat, I challenge you to a duel.
That's ridiculous.
Honour is not ridiculous.
He's right.
Kill him.
Try and keep your arm straight.
At the moment you're a bit la-bla-bla.
Come on, I'm not that bad.
Is it nerves? Of course it's sodding nerves.
I could be dead in five minutes.
Stupid honour.
I hate honour.
No, honour's lovely.
Anyway, you'll easily croak Fanny's old man.
See, he missed him.
He was aiming for the apple! I thought that was a bit weird.
I don't know why you're breezy, you're next for the Master of Mirth, not that I'll be alive to see you shot dead.
Oh, don't cry, old man, it's really lame.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, you first, then Fancy Dan here.
You'll pay for that, cocky pensioner.
Right, the usual rules.
Five small paces.
No taking big steps and hiding behind trees.
No shouting, "Look there," then shooting.
No will you stop shaking! Can't we sort this out over a game of Rubicon Bezique and a humorously long cigar? One, two, three, four, five.
Please stop! No Aagh! Well that went better than I expected.
Can I get some healthcare over here? Oh, get up, you big girl.
Tell me you don't love him.
God no.
I was just telling him, it's hopeless.
His teeth mean more than struggle for female emancipation.
Oh, what a bastard.
Let's get on with it.
Duelling is madness.
We are Edwardians, and this is a new dawn where fear and empty ritual have no place.
Winnie's right.
I'd rather be shot like a dog than harm one silvery hair on the head of the father of my beloved.
Oww! Fuck! You'll thank me one day.
Oh, have I missed it? Oh, I was in the bath.
Would you mind doing it again for me? Oh, God.
God, it's Felix.
Will you be well enough to get married? No, Fanny! What? Nothing! I'm going to win the Olympics for you, Felix, at the javeline.
It's called the javelin.
Yes.
That'll be you standing up there on the podium with me, and my javeline.
I'm going to make you so proud.
How are you feeling? Gutted, literally, from Archie's emergency bowel surgery, and from missing Little Tich.
No, well I can do it.
Double your money.
It's "double your monkey".
Double your monkey.
I'm not sure I want to.
I would if I could.
Jesus! "I'm not sure I want to" makes no sense.
Isn't even a little bit of you sad about not getting married to me? Of course, darling.
Though most of me thinks, "Her dad shot me in the chest.
" Going to powder my nose I think.
You might as well take a slash while you're at it, cos you can whistle for any action below the belt, the mood I'm in.
Bonjour! Salut! Double your monkey.
No, he doesn't say that any more.
Huh? He's got these enormous feet! He's got these huge shoes! They've got to be three feet long.
I'm glad you had fun, I was vomiting blood and running a bank.
Well I only went to attend a French suffragettes' march.
We've never seen so much body hair, have we Archie? No sir.
Did you two have relations? Oh how like a man to think that a woman would be available for the price of a luxury excursion to Paris.
You can see why it might cross our minds though, can't you? We brought you a recording of the show sir.
I didn't see it myself, but I sat outside with the other man servants, and heard the laughter.
Door, Archie.
That is in fact the telephone, sir.
Is it? The clue is in what the sound comes out of.
Hello.
The telephone.
I may need a bit of help.
How do you want that? Pho-pho, aagh! Come on, Mrs Snivel, buck up.
Aagh.
Oh no, the machine's crashed.
Aagh.
Is she all right? She might be having a baby.
What, Felix? I sent your father an electricity toothbrush, as a gesture of friendship.
Oh.
Did that nice American win the javelin? From his hospital bed, with his leg in plaster? Yes.
Yes he did, as a matter of fact.
Yes he did, actually, yeah.