Corner Gas (2004) s03e07 Episode Script

Good evening, Canada.
I'd like to take this opportunity to address the nation in regard to some important issues.
As you know, we live in a country Um excuse me.
Oh, hi, Brent.
Hello, Mr.
Prime Minister.
Um, I'm just kinda wondering what you're doing.
Well, I-I'm speaking to the nation.
I'm addressing Canada.
Oh.
Hello, Canada.
Um, is this something you have to do right now? Is now a bad time? Sort of, for me, anyway.
I kinda had the next Look, couldn't you do your thing later? This is the only half hour they let me do anything.
The rest is pretty much Canadian Idol.
But what about my message? Um, you could do a mass emailing.
You could "cc" the nation.
You know, I like the way you think.
Really? Well, you-you could make me minister of something.
I gotta go.
You can tell me that your dog ran away Then tell me that it took three days I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say You think there's not a lot goin' on Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong And that's why you can stay so long Where there's not a lot goin' on Look at this guy, Brent.
There's a guy makin' a difference, someone doin' somethin' with his life.
What are ya on about? You know, I've been thinkin', I don't contribute to society.
Sure you do.
You're a morale booster.
By contributing nothing, you make everyone else feel good about themselves.
That's not good enough anymore.
I- I wanna start giving back.
It's time I reached out with a selfless spirit to the people of this town.
Anytime, Gramps! Look, I told you, you can't park here.
Oh, we can now.
I got the special plates.
I pulled a fast one on Doc Russell.
I can barely move.
My back is in such pain.
Works for me.
Just sign this form.
Whoops.
There ya go.
People who use these plates have something wrong with them, more wrong with them.
Who cares? Now we can park close to things.
Where are we, Manhattan? We always park close to things.
Gotta think ahead.
Try thinking, period.
Well, I did it.
I signed up to be the crossing guard.
And you never thought I'd do it.
You're right, I didn't, 'cause you never said you were gonna do it.
In your face! Well, normally I'd say that's good, Hank, but I don't think it is good, so I'd be lying.
Wow.
I was inspired by Mr.
Stevens, the crossing guard.
Everyone he helps across the street looks up to him.
That's because they're kids.
They're short.
It's sad he's hangin' up the sign, though.
He was so good with those kids.
That's a 26 of vodka, a mickey a gin, and a six pack.
That'll be eighty bucks.
Eighty bucks? Smokes don't grow on trees.
I don't know what those kids are gonna do without him.
So that's one 26'r of vodka, a mickey a gin, and a six pack.
Gimme a hundred bucks.
Mr.
Stevens only charged eighty.
Look, you wanna talk or get gooned? Well, aren't you lookin' sporty.
Eh, I'm trying to train for that 10K Fun Run.
Oh, you're running.
Good for you.
Are you saying I'm fat? No! No! No, I meant I'd like to get back into running.
Hey, maybe we should run together, start a group.
What's in it for me? Motivation, companionship, maybe even a little friendly competition.
Hey, I'll do it anyway.
I'm glad you talked me into this.
It's nice having someone to run with.
Yeah.
And to talk to.
Let's go! Oh! Oh, hey, Emma.
Your car's parked illegally in a handicap spot.
Oh, that's Oscar.
Apparently he's handicapped now because of his back.
Really? Yeah.
He told Doc Russell he was all in pain, so he got the special plates.
Those plates are hard to get.
I have a problem with my hip flexor.
It would help if I could park close to stuff.
In 25 years as a doctor, that's the biggest crock I've heard.
Personally, I think he's lying.
Yeah.
How could that be the biggest crock? Whoa.
Easy.
Okay, you can cross now.
I'm sorry about this.
Okay, you can go now.
I'm still filling up.
Oh, I'll get it.
Ah, wait for it.
He doesn't look handicapped.
Well, he's probably just putting on a brave face.
Let's not mention anything.
He might be sensitive about it.
Hey, look at me.
I'm disabled.
Acceptance is the first step.
Good for you, Oscar.
You okay? Yeah, it's just my back, flares up every once in a while.
My aunt has a bad back.
It's terrible.
Sometimes the pain's too much.
No.
I meant listening to her go on about it.
You just sit down.
I know how you feel.
I'm in a bit of pain myself.
Running is not as easy as I remember.
And you're not that young anymore.
I'll get you some coffee, straight away.
Thank you, handicapped plates.
Okay, it's stop and go.
How much practice do you need? What-what about cars comin' from the other direction? Unnecessary.
Clearly you've got the gift.
Yeah, but that test is comin' up.
I need to know it backwards and forwards.
How does backwards help you? Hey, Oscar! What? I knew it.
That his name's Oscar? No, he doesn't have a bad back.
He turned when I yelled.
That's proves he's not deaf.
Oh.
Smarty pants.
Thanks.
At least someone's my back, my bad back.
I wanted cream.
Oh.
I'll get it.
You just relax.
You shouldn't make fun of him.
I wasn't making fun.
I was being skeptical of his disability.
Plus it's Oscar.
We're not talking about a sympathetic character here.
But like you said, none of us are that young anymore.
She said you're not that young anymore.
Still, we should be sympathetic to those less capable.
Hey, slowpoke, chop-chop with the cream.
Come on.
You heard Gimpy McGoo.
Okay, there's a car comin' and a child waitin' to cross.
What do you do? Very good.
Okay, this time there's no car comin' and no child wants to cross.
Very good.
You pass.
Yes! Oh, yeah.
Havin' a great day.
I didn't ask.
Just drove to Weyburn and parked right in front of the bakery, right in front.
Did you get any cinnamon buns? No.
Butter tarts? No.
Lemon loaf? No.
Did you get any bakery related items? No, nothing.
But I could park right in front.
Wow, these handicapped plates are really somethin', uh? Being disabled, best thing that ever happened to me.
What's with the nose? Oh.
It's just somethin' us crossing guards use.
I thought it was lifeguards.
A guard's a guard, Ma'am.
I'm going to the city.
I could get you a life jacket.
Oh, I'm-I'm fine.
But-but let me help ya.
Oh, that's okay.
Okay, you can cross now, Ma'am.
But my car's this way.
Anytime, Ma'am.
I want to go this way.
Get away from me! So what you listening to today? A mix.
Sum 41, Jann Arden.
Ah, I can't run listening to Jann Arden.
So the tour bus pulls into Winnipeg and breaks down.
It was absolutely terrible.
And then I got a sinus infection and the only doctor that was even around was a dentist That's not what I meant.
Plus, you wouldn't be able to keep up with her.
So when the tour bus pulled into Winnipeg, it broke down.
It was absolutely terrible.
Where you two goin'? Wanda and I started a running club.
Ah, that explains the threads.
Threads? What are you, some sorta '60s beatnik? No, that's a common term.
What other cats are in this club? Right now? Just me and Lacey.
We're training for the Fun Run.
Geez, there's two words that don't belong together.
Will you please join.
Wanda runs really fast and all she does is listen to her music.
Mainly sunny.
Well, let me think about it.
No.
Karen, will you join our running club? Sure.
But I'm not very fast.
Oh, that's okay.
We'll adjust.
It seems like just yesterday he was able-bodied like the rest of us.
It was yesterday.
Still, makes you think.
Hey, Oscar, I can get that for you.
What? We're here to help.
Want me to carry that? What the hell's wrong with Davis? I knew he'd blow it.
Go easy on him.
He's handicapped.
Ooh-oooh.
Hmm.
I guess my favouririte part is when I'm running and I think I can't go anymore, and then this calmness kicks in and the pain disappears.
Ah, the endorphins.
Makes a body feel like it's dipping into a deeper reservoir of fuel.
And I slept so well last night.
Brent, you should run with us.
You'd sleep better.
You guys talk about running some more.
I'll drift right off.
You can joke all you want.
Okay.
But I think you should join.
It will be good for you.
I've seen you work up a sweat stirring coffee.
Coffee's hot.
That's condensation.
Look, maybe you're worried about the competition or looking foolish.
But the running group is not about judgement.
It's about gettin' out and having fun.
Ah, you guys make it sound good.
You know what? I'll see ya tomorrow.
This isn't what I had in mind.
Yeah.
Well, at least Brent can keep up.
About 20 minutes.
Hey, Wanda, have you ever wet your pants on the job? Oh, hey, Oscar.
I, uh-I heard you're mentally handicapped.
I'm not mentally handicapped.
Oh, right.
Sorry.
I mean mentally challenged.
No! I'm just I don't know.
I got a bad back.
Oh.
Well, let me help you across the street.
Don't patronize me.
I'm not.
I- I'm-I'm a crossing guard.
I do it for everyone, from the youngest child to the oldest, feeblest man.
Okay.
No special favours.
None.
Everyone, I am stopping traffic for Oscar, not because he's old and fragile, but because I stop traffic for everyone.
It is my duty as your crossing guard and that is why I'm patronizing him.
Just treat me normal.
It's great you want to be treated normal.
It's very courageous.
Someone to hold me tight, That would be very nice Someone to love me right, That would be very nice Someone to take my hand, To be a team with me So nice Life would be so nice That was kinda fun.
Next time I think I should stretch more.
Okay, you've made your point.
You're talking about the running group? Yeah, it was fun.
You joined? Brent doesn't run.
He sits in his car and follows us.
It was surprisingly easy.
Maybe I should get out and do something.
I've been feeling all logy lately.
Well, we're always lookin' for more runners.
This is great.
And being part of a group means I'll keep at it.
I dig that, Daddy-O.
What, are you a hep cat now? It's somethin' I'm tryin' out.
Oh.
Ah, I'm glad you guys talked me into this.
Before we started, I could barely go a half hour without stoppin'.
Now we drive for an hour, I don't even notice.
That's what training will do for ya.
Yeah, gimme some skin.
I don't think that's workin'.
Hey, guys.
If you're gonna drive with us in the race tomorrow, you might as well carry our stuff.
It seems a bit much for a 10K.
Think of the extra calorie you'll burn.
Oh, there you are.
I was starting to think you forgot where you lived.
Don't you start.
Start what? Treatin' me like a feeb.
Everybody in town thinks I'm an old geezer.
Uh-huh? Oh, because of the plates.
Yes, because of the plates.
Well, I told ya that would happen.
Remember? Or are you drawing a blank? It's me, Emma.
Stop it! I'm not handicapped.
Now you're in denial.
That's it.
I'm taking back the plates.
No.
Why not? You should be thinking about your back.
You should be thinking about your bad, bad back.
Holy hell! How much did all this cost? Oh, Oscar, now you can't even concentrate on one subject at a time.
I'm glad you have the plates.
Oh, Karen, I got somethin' I wanna share with ya, you know, one officer to another.
Officer? Ah, Hank, no offence.
Okay, offence.
But you're a crossing guard.
I know.
But that doesn't mean what you do is any less important.
I got some license plates of some cars that were speedin' through the school zone.
Now you're a snitch.
Yeah.
That's actually kinda helpful.
I think the second one's yours.
I was in a rush.
Look, Hank, this is good of you and all, but maybe just stick to what you know best, or at least to being a crossing guard.
Police work is for the police.
That's why we carry the badges.
Where is your badge, anyway? I lost my badge.
You lost a badger? My badge.
I had it with me when I was running.
Losing your badge is pretty serious, isn't it? It's not as bad as losing your gun.
Have you seen my gun? Oh, here it is.
Good.
The only thing worse than losing your gun, losing your badge.
I wanna run in this thing with you guys.
Okay.
But Lacey's kinda slow.
I'm faster than a lame old man.
Sorry.
Just try and keep up, okay? What do you want? One of my people found it.
My badge? No one needs to know about this.
Now, you may not respect me, but I respect me, and I respect you.
In fact, I have enough respect to make up for the lack of respect that you don't have for me, respectfully.
Want some water? It's important to stay hydrated.
I wonder if she over trained.
What do you think, Doc? Well, it's a pretty common mistake for beginners.
No, I didn't over train.
My knee's just sore, that's all.
I can get you some handicap plates if you want.
You want to get in? There's no shame in quittin'.
Oh, I should quit.
Good reverse psychology.
Hang in there, Lacey.
We'll drive alongside and motivate ya.
You're almost at Main Street.
You can do this.
Wecan do this.
Thanks, guys.
Oh, the engine light is on.
It's all the idling.
Sorry, Lacey.
We gotta go.
What? No! Wait! My knee! My knee! Hey, slow down.
What is it? Some kids want to cross the street.
We're in the middle of a race.
Your jurisdiction, your call.
Sorry, guys.
Stop the car, Brent.
That took a lot of courage, Oscar.
You're so brave.
I'm not courageous.
I'm able-bodied.
Ah, that's the spirit.
I'm able-bodied.
It's okay.
Thanks.
I'm good.
Aah! Geez, I love electrolytes! I'm sorry I was hard on you.
I'm happy to call you a colleague.
Not after what happened on the run.
But you stopped for those kids.
I hesitad.
If I was any kinda officer I wouldn't have even flinched.
I let the kids down.
I can't look myself in the eye anymore and call myself a crossing guard.
I'm done.
Cool.
Whatever.
See? Finished first in my age group.
Now there's no excuse to feel sorry for me.
When did we need an excuse? Get me a soda.
Why are you so chipper? She's mad at me.
He returned the special plates.
Oh.
Sorry to hear you've been re-abled.
I had to park half a block from the Co-Op this morning.
Join the running group.
It makes a difference.
Oh, I hate running.
What about the group? Oh, I quit.
The way the others were talkin', I think they're done too.
Ah, this is great.
Yeah, way better without Lacey.
It's fun to run.
Call us next time you're in town and we'll do this again.
You guys motivate me so much.
Did I tell you about the time my tour bus Yes.
Yes.
Okay.
Closed Captioning by I don't know the same things you don't know I don't know I just don't know It's a great big place full of nothin' but space and it's my happy place I don't know Yes you do You just won't admit it Want to have a gas online? Visit us at cornergas.
com I don't know I just don't know