Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) s03e07 Episode Script
Getting Over Jeff
1 Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend REBECCA: Oh, I'm so embarrassed that I caused such a scene.
And I didn't, I didn't even want to die.
I just wanted the pain to stop.
- You don't want to have a baby, do you? - No.
- What are we gonna do? - I don't know.
Are you sure you don't need to go be at home? What about your kids? PAULA: I am where I should be.
Which is right by your side.
DR.
SHIN: It is my opinion that you exhibit many of the characteristics of borderline personality disorder.
I'm here for you.
That really means a lot.
(sighs happily) Hey, Heather.
- (door closes) - What up, what up, what up, what up? - You're in a good mood.
- Yeah.
Wow.
Someone did some shopping.
Yes, I'm very excited.
Can't believe your doctor gave you so much homework.
Oh, no, you know, he only assigned me one of those books, but I just figured, if filling out one book is good, filling out all of them must be even better.
You're such an A student.
God, I miss being a student.
Is there something you can fill out when you used to be a student, but now you're not a student? I think it's called a job application.
Oh.
Ah.
Mm, okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh let's see.
âExercise One: Scan your body for any signs of distress.
â Mmm (robot voice): Initiating body scan.
Oh, these pants feel tight.
They are tight in the crotch.
These are terrible pants.
I should get rid of these pants.
Please don't take your pants off in front of me, I know you haven't done laundry lately.
I'm actually wearing your bikini bottoms.
You can keep 'em.
Thank you.
- - (Rebecca scat singing) Did all the books.
Are you proud of me? I don't know if you keep stickers around, but if you do, I prefer scratch-n-sniff, so Rebecca, I applaud your work ethic, but recovery is not about assigning yourself homework and doing it in record time.
So you're saying I set a record.
I know you want an A-plus, but I need to challenge you to get a different type of grade.
What's better than an A-plus? - A C-plus.
- (gasps) I know by doing this work, you want to get better quickly, but for someone like you, the overachieving is part of the issue.
You need to relax.
Relax? Okay, is that what they told you to do at Syracuse? I'm sor I'm sorry, Syracuse is a lovely school for communications or something.
Hey, you need to put the pencil down.
You have been in a therapy bubble.
All right? It is time to take steps into the real world.
The real world? No, no, I don't want that, 'cause what if I mess things up? Then that's okay.
Go out there and make some messes, have some adventures.
And stop being so hard on yourself.
I mean, you're right.
I am hard on myself.
God, it's one of my worst qualities.
God, I'm such a dumb, loser, - hard-on-myself bitch.
- That.
Stop doing that.
(sighs) I just don't want to fail.
You need to redefine failure.
As I did, when I only got into my safety school.
(laughs): Oh, ho That's a beauty.
(giggles) Hey! Look, I made special pancakes with a sports theme.
Basketball, soccer ball, baseball, golf ball.
Those are just circles, Mom.
Oh, wait till you hear what happened this morning.
Okay, so Grandma calls and she said she's got this church retreat in Minnesota that she has to go to, and she wants me to stay with Granpa.
(laughs) 'Cause he fell down 'cause he's old or Cough, cough alcoholic.
What is she thinking? Like I would ever go and do that.
You guys know how much my dad annoys me.
Who's ready for an egg-n-cheese Sammy? - I am.
- Me, too.
SCOTT: (chuckles) So hungry.
You're going out to breakfast? I mean, what are you talking about? While you were busy with Rebecca, we got a new routine.
We do drive-through for breakfast now.
- BRENDAN: Yeah.
Let's get going.
- Starving.
Mmm.
- Yeah, same.
(chuckles): Mm-hmm.
- So hungry.
- Craving those sandwiches.
Hey, Scott.
TOMMY: Yeah, it's the best.
Look, I know I was AWOL with Rebecca, but I'm back.
I'm here.
I am doing laundry, I am flushing toilets, I am helping with homework.
Okay, let's face it, I am doing homework.
Yeah, but we don't know how long this is gonna last.
You go through phases.
Before Rebecca, there were those vampire novels.
Sudoku, and then there was the obsession with Amal Clooney's outfits.
She is a style icon and a barrister.
There's always something you're obsessed with and, uh, eh, it's kind of never us.
We're like a, I don't know, a chore or something.
You're not a chore.
This is my life and I have accepted it.
My life is chores and working and studying and never having enough time to finish the last season of Outlander, it's fine.
I wasn't trying to start something.
You do your best.
But it always feels like there's some part of you that's not really here.
Why is that? Hmm.
Don't know.
I'm in just such a transitional time right now, you know? Tell me about it.
My voice is cracking, hair is appearing in very strange places, and my armpits are starting to smell like like armpits.
But I'm supposed to be past that.
I'm a big boy.
What's the word for that? - Man.
- Yeah.
Man, what is the word for that? Josh, I couldn't help but overhear as I was trying to overhear.
You're looking for a job, huh? (scoffs) I really need a job.
I'm on indefinite suspension from Aloha so I'm broke.
We've been looking for a bartender.
You interested? Bartending? Huh.
I ought it was kind of lame when Greg did it, but I bet I could make it cool.
I am really coordinated because of my martial arts and my magic.
I bet I could pick up some dope Cocktail tricks pretty fast.
We mostly serve beer, so we don't need anything fancy.
Thanks for not cheering too loud at my game today.
I know it was hard.
Yeah, I tried to reign it in, but it is hard because Madison is rad-ison.
(chuckles) I'll excuse it because you're going through a tough time.
I mean, you just broke up with your boyfriend.
You did break up with him, right? - (clears throat) What? - Come on! You want to have a baby.
He doesn't.
I know, but it's so hard.
I still care about him.
I love him.
You got to rip off the Band-Aid.
That's how I broke up with Jimmy.
I ripped off his Band-Aid.
Here he is.
Do it.
Joshua! My dad has something to tell you.
- Oh, yeah? - Um What's up? (sighs) Um Madison won her game.
WHITE JOSH: Oh, nice, Madison.
Way to go.
Out going back to Buffalo? Madison won her game.
Nobody appreciates me at my house right now.
I mean, I might as well.
Scott has been so pissy lately.
Oh, sometimes I wish I could just touch a stone wall and go back to 1743 to be with my other husband, the Scottish warrior, and you don't watch Outlander, do you? - Mm, sorry.
- Like, none of this makes any sense to you.
(inhales sharply) - Okay.
- Anyway, Paula, are you sure you want to go back and hang out with your dad? I mean, you hate him; he makes you feel horrible about yourself.
Yeah, no, I wasn't gonna go, but, you know, he needs me and, I mean, Buffalo's gonna be messy, but at least it's kind of an adventure.
A messy adventure, you say? That sounds fun.
You know, I've always wanted to go to Buffalo.
- You have? - Yes, yes.
Ever since I saw Bruce Almighty.
- (laughs): Oh, my - Paula.
Paula, no, this is perfect.
This is exactly the kind of adventure that Dr.
Shin was talking about.
Let me come with you.
- Really? - Yeah.
(knocking on door) Yeah, come in, Paula.
Hey.
Oh.
I just, uh, wanted to come check on you.
You know, like men do.
Haven't seen you in a while.
Everything good? You're not running away again, are you? No, no, no, I'm just, I'm going on a quick trip with Paula.
I'm trying to get out of my bubble, my therapy bubble.
It's why I've been kind of MIA from everything, so, sorry.
Oh, no, don't be sorry.
It's, it's good to see you.
Yeah.
Might have missed you a little bit.
I don't know.
Prob-Probably not.
I'm probably just feeling a little weird because I accidentally had dairy yesterday.
I asked for a grilled cheese sandwich, but I said âno cheese, no bread, I just want a hot, salty tomatoâ" But, you know, they don't listen.
Cool.
What a roundabout explanation for wanting to come see a friend.
Come here.
- I don't know if I can have sex.
- Huh? I don't know if the books say that I can have sex yet.
I mean, and I definitely am not ready for a relationship.
Not that that's what you're trying to do.
I don't know what I'm saying.
You're a really good hugger.
Oh, thank you.
The thing is, I would love to have sex with you again.
Like, I'm talking to you here right now, but there's another version of me Like, an alternate version in a parallel universe That's just ripping your clothes off right now and climbing you like the sequoia you are, you know what I'm sayin'? - Sequoia? - Yeah.
'Cause you're, like, tall and hard, and wooden, and sexy, and native to California, so just get out of here, please.
Please just get out of here.
- Okay.
All right.
I'm-a go.
- Go.
But I'm-a go sexy.
(yelps) (laughing) Why is Nathaniel leaving so sexy? It's a whole thing.
Let's just go.
Okay.
No.
Mm, no.
Hey, Dad.
Look who's home from Hollywood.
(laughs) It's West Covina.
It's not even close to Hollywood.
This is my friend, Rebecca.
Look, enough with the pleasantries.
Your mother told you come and babysit me.
I don't need it.
I fell, I got a giant bruise on my ass cheek.
Other than that, I'm perfect.
Hey, isn't that the girl your mother told me about? She, uh, kind of sucks at killing herself? Dad! (laughs) Hey, I know this guy from my old precinct in Brooklyn, he tried to shoot himself in his foot to get workers' comp.
Blew off his willie.
You're like that guy.
Oh, my God, Rebecca, I am so sorry.
No, no, no.
It-It's okay.
Wait, wait, so the guy just blew off the willie? Not the entire package? So that means he just missed out on becoming, like, a great soprano? - By a hair.
- (Rebecca and Bob laughing) He's funny.
He's really not.
Paula doesn't have a sense of humor.
Never has.
That's why she's not likable.
Hey, I'm not saying anything you don't know.
You have other qualities.
You're sturdy.
Would've made a great defensive tackle.
Well, see, Paula? That's-that's a genderless compliment.
Yeah, you know, I always actually wondered if maybe Paula had a pecker, a little one, you know what I'm saying? Okay, never mind.
I'm sorry.
You know what? I'm gonna go to the market.
'Cause I'll bet all you got in the fridge is artillery and vodka.
Oh, I'm almost out of vodka.
Go ahead.
I'll stay with him.
Bye.
(door opens, closes) Hey, would you like to see a big turd I left in the toilet? No.
Kinda.
(sighs) PAULA (echoing): Jeff.
Can I help you, ma'am? Who is that? That's That's my Josh Chan.
Is that your ex or something? Oh, he's not just any ex.
He's he's the one I never got over.
I thought if I saw him again, I'd I'd want to punch him in the face, but instead I feel all warm and tingly inside, like glitter is exploding inside of me.
CLERK: So he was your first love? Oh, baby, he was my first everything.
I've thought about him for so long Those memories are crystal clear I was so young He was so big and strong I can't believe that he's right here I was such an innocent girl When we first met He opened up my eyes, showed me a whole new world So how could I ever forget? The first penis I saw First penis, very first penis First penis Very first penis I saw First penis, very first penis, penis First penis Very first penis I saw And of all the penises I've seen His had the biggest impact And by that what I mean is It really made me drop my jaw 'Cause it was the very first penis I saw A few times before I felt it through his pants And just generally kinda rubbed it But that night I decided to take a chance I took it out and he really seemed to love it I didn't know what to do next I didn't have that part planned He said, âLet me show you some basic movesâ And then he took my hand And taught me all about the First penis, very first penis First penis Very first penis I saw First penis, very first penis, penis First penis Very first penis I saw Not the dirtiest, also not the cleanest In terms of penis, I really was the greenest I was in total awe Of the very first penis I saw He's coming! Bail on the turntable! I was so eager, I couldn't hide my keenness Everything about it seemed quite ingenious I couldn't find a single flaw In the first penis Very first penis Very first penis I saw! Paula O'Brien? Jeff Channington.
Heather, you're gonna have to step it up.
I've been rocking the YouTube tutorials, and a simple pour ain't gonna win you this rodeo.
I'm not in a rodeo.
Hey, check this out.
I call this the Big Boy.
Who's thirsty? Who's thirsty? I'm a Big Boy! I'm a Big Boy! Oh, man, this is a barf.
- You like that? - Yeah.
(laughing) All right! - Hey, I'm Teresa.
- I'm Josh.
I'm a big boy.
- I can see that.
- (chuckles) I love your Cocktail moves.
- Thanks.
It's called flair.
- Cool.
Hey, so you busy after work tomorrow night? Oh, I always get busy after work tomorrow night.
(laughs) That's good! (laughs) I mean this is unbelievable.
So you back in town? I mean, I thought you were off living in Hollywood.
Well, actually, uh, yes.
Yes.
Yes, I am.
Yes, I'm back for a couple of days, yes.
Wow.
I mean, you're just here for a couple of days and we ran into each other? That is crazy.
Yeah.
So weird, right? I mean, we haven't seen each other since You dumped me in the parking lot of the mall after we saw Fried Green Tomatoes.
(sighs) I'm sorry.
What a jerk I was.
Yeah, so ever since then, I hear Kathy Bates do a Southern accent, - and I have to leave the room.
- You know, Paula, you were so cool and so funny and so smart.
And you were the only girl in town who knew anything about Camaros.
By the way, I'm restoring one.
Yeah, I bought it on eBay.
It's stupid, but it's my hobby.
Always makes me think of you.
- Me? - Yeah.
- Do you want to come and see it? - (sighs, groans) Look, here's my card.
In case you change your mind.
I've never watched conservative news before.
All the women look exactly the same, like they're old, blonde Miss USAâs.
- Why is that? - Well, if we put 'em on the news, then we don't have to send 'em out to the glue factory.
(both laugh) - Bob, that's terrible.
- Eh Bob, be real.
You don't agree with all this stuff, right? I mean, you don't think everyone should own a gun? Oh, no.
They should own two guns one for animals, one for people.
- Bob! - (laughs) - God.
Of course.
- Here you go.
Oh, ah I don't know if I can.
Sorry.
I honestly don't know what my book says about alcohol.
Your book? You mean like a Bible? Uh, kinda, but less sci-fi.
Um Oh Okay, but alcohol's not really my trigger.
âTrigger.
â Now you're speaking my language.
Let's get sauced.
Let's do some shots.
- Come on.
- Okay.
The news is great on shots.
- (laughs) All right.
- Here we go.
All right, cheers.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
Whoo! - Ooh, it burns like a spicy salsa party! - Yes, yes.
- (laughs): It feels so good.
- Hey.
- Hey! - Hi! Oh.
This looks like a fun time.
Uh-huh, yeah.
Hey, Rebecca, do you have a second to come talk to me in the kitchen? Yeah, I'll be right there.
I'm just busy getting a C-plus in getting D-runk! - (laughs): Yeah.
- (laughs) (sighs, laughs) Oh, there you go.
You're doing very well.
She's doing very well.
- Oh, thank you.
- Very well.
(Rebecca and Bob continue chattering) (snorts) I'm gonna whiz and, uh, hit the hay.
Okay.
- Good night, Bob.
- That was fun.
Oh, is Paula back yet? I wonder if she's in bed.
(phone chimes) Oh.
(sighs) (chuckles) Sequoia.
- (chuckles) - - - (laughs) - - JEFF: You came! (chuckles softly) You're here.
Well, I wanted to see the Z/28.
And that is the only reason I'm here.
(chuckles) Well I don't care why you're here.
I'm just happy to see you.
(chuckles) You're throwing wrenches at me now? Hmm.
Oh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
(chuckles) Let's see.
(Josh humming) Big boy's back in the game.
Who's got it? Got it Oh, my God.
What is that? No Not today.
I have a date.
Ow.
Ow! (shouts) (coughs, snorts) (moans) (moaning) (gasps) Good morning.
(snorts) Mm.
- Did you sleep well? - Yeah.
Hi.
Where were you last night? I got up to pee at some point, and I went to check on you, and you weren't in your bed.
I may have number one'd in one of your drawers.
No, I did.
I definitely did.
I'm sorry, I was drunk.
I went out.
I, uh saw an old friend who was fixing up an old Camaro downtown, and I happen to love those, so Oh, right, you love cars.
I always forget that because it doesn't interest me.
(chuckles) Well, I'm glad you did that.
Good for you.
You deserve to have a little late-night party fun.
You never do anything for yourself.
- Well, you know.
Sometimes I do.
- You really don't, though.
You're always too busy being a good wife and mom and friend and co-worker.
You're like everyone's big spoon.
You're so reliable.
(clicks tongue) You look so pretty.
Where you going? Oh, um I'm going to see the friend.
Who's your friend? My friend? Um He she She's a she.
Sheila Girlface.
âSheila Girlfaceâ? Yeah, well, it's Girlfacce, but, you know, they had to change it at Ellis Island.
Assimilation is a rape.
Anyway, uh, my friend invited me to Saturday Mass this morning.
You want to come? Uh Oh, it sounds awesome.
Um but Bob and I got to check his traps.
For raccoons, and people's stupid small dogs.
Both make cool hats, apparently.
Wow, you two really get along.
I'm sorry.
Is it annoying? Should I stop? I can stop.
It's a little annoying, but, listen, you're really doing me a favor.
You're taking care of him, and so I'm free to do what I want to do, which is go to church.
Okay, bye.
Okay.
Tell God I say well, he knows how I feel.
Thank God.
I was waiting for her to leave.
Was so wasted last night, I went in one of her drawers.
So did I.
I thought that was you! (both laughing) - Hey.
- Hey! This is a nice surprise.
I have baseball practice.
What are you doing here? Well, Madison said to meet her.
She wanted to practice her slider.
- Ah.
- (women chattering) Ooh.
Oh, look.
She's like the sweetest Sliders are not really a thing in softball, are they? Uh Oh, look at that little sleep sack.
Isn't that cute? What a clever solution for transitioning out of the swaddle.
Wait a second.
Did you set this up? Are you trying to force the baby issue again? What? No! Me? No.
I mean, I'm not even here to meet you.
I'm here to meet Madis oh.
Oh, my God.
Oh, man.
No.
This must have been Madison.
No, she does stuff like this.
Oh, she is so clever.
What she did was she knew that there was a baby shower today, and she had both of us come here so we could have our little baby fight.
(laughs) Why would she want that? Well, because she wants to break us up - because she wants a sibling.
- Oh.
(laughing): Oh.
Wow.
Yeah, I mean, she's really trying to push the issue because, you know, you and I have been at this impasse so long.
Yeah.
Yeah, we have.
Joshua.
The truth is oh, this is so hard to do, because I I love you a lot, but I'm not happy anymore because of this.
Maybe having a baby started out as a whim, but it's what I want for my life now.
And you don't want a baby, maybe not ever.
I mean, you made that clear, and, t-that's not gonna change.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, I know.
I mean, I am always gonna care about you.
I really am.
'Cause I love you.
I I love you, too.
But (sighs) Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, wait.
So this is Yeah, I guess it is.
God, this sucks.
I don't know what to do Can we Can we still be friends, or ? I don't know.
I mean, I would love that.
But that just sounds so hard right now.
Did a nine-year-old just trick us into doing something we weren't brave enough to do ourselves? (laughs softly) I think so.
Huh.
I don't understand what you feel so bad about.
So you had a little phone action with some guy.
Where's the harm in that? I mean, I do it, too.
For $9.
95 an hour, you get a real French girl.
- They're not French, Bob.
- They're French enough.
Go ahead.
Give it another try.
Are you sure? I don't want to break more stuff.
BOB: Oh, come on.
Live a little.
Have a vodka, dingle yourself while you're texting a guy, throw a dart out the window.
Go ahead.
- (dart clattering) - Or behind you.
Throw it behind you.
How does that feel? Feels good, right? Yeah, you know what? It does feel good to be outside the bubble.
You're right.
I'm having the best time right now.
You're like the dad I never had.
You didn't have a dad? I do, but he sucks.
I'll get it.
(glass shatters) I just made a new buddy He and I bonded right away I got only good things to say About my friend's dad My friend's dad It's all the fun of having a dad Without the painful history She has spunk And he's a literal drunk But that don't bother me 'Cause he's not my dad He's my friend's dad It's the healthiest relationship I've had with a man That fact I must confess He doesn't push my buttons 'Cept the buttons on this cute dress - Doot, doot, doot! - (laughs) It's nothing but platonic His bigotry's ironic I like you.
You barely complain for a Jewish.
Oh, you.
If we were related We'd probably fight a lot Wait, what about Jews? Here, have some more booze What was I saying? Oh, well I forgot, glug, glug My friend's dad My friend's dad And when she's not around I think about her naked - Huh? - Nothing, kiddo.
My friend's dad.
The V8 engine is man's greatest artistic achievement.
Yeah, it's like the Sistine Chapel of car stuff.
(laughs) (music volume increases) Do you believe You want to dance? Me? Do you see any other beautiful women in here? Uh In letting Me hold (laughing): Oh.
You tight What? (gasps) Kissed you good night I want to know Please tell me so What are we doing? We're just two old friends, catching up.
Do you believe Going back in time.
Like Outlander.
What? (laughs) Oh, God, you make me feel like I am 17 again, and all my worries are just gone.
In my real life, I'm always someone's mom, someone's best friend, someone's errand girl, but you make me feel special.
(laughs) And you make me feel like a terrible dancer.
You got moves.
Wha oh, ooh! (laughs) Whoa, whoa, whoa Ooh Yeah So Uh, I'll call you? I guess.
- Is that - Yes, no.
I I'll just see you around.
Maybe? Well, we've been saying good-bye for about two hours.
(laughs): So, guess we should - probably go.
- Yeah, you're right.
Who should go first? Uh JOSH: Here comes the big boy.
(dance music playing) Hey, there.
Can I make you a Joshtini? (laughing): Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Sit down, sit down.
Look at this.
Oh, no.
Actually, we're on our way out.
What? No.
No, you can't leave.
What are you look at Josh.
You guys can't miss this.
He thinks he's Tom Cruise in Cocktail.
- It-it's amazing.
- JOSH: Yeah.
Cannot be missed.
Okay.
I'm staying.
Yes.
You're making the right call.
Ah I'm starting to worry about Paula.
She's not answering her phone, she's been at church for, like, nine hours.
Church? - Nine hours on a Saturday? - Well, yeah.
I mean, she said she ran into a friend with, like, a cool Camaro or something? Um, oh, right, her name is Sheila Girlfacce.
You probably know her as Sheila Girlface.
So, that's a fake name.
I fell for that.
Camaro? I know what this is about.
Come on, let's go.
You told me - Can I ask you something? - Anything.
Do you ever think about us? Do you ever regret our breakup? But there is one thing - You want the truth? - I really do.
Yeah.
I regret it.
Big-time.
Before you (whispering): Really? Yeah.
I never should've let you go.
It was a big mistake.
When you leave me, no Ooh! Well that was all I needed.
What? - Yeah.
- (shotgun cocks) Take one step closer to her and I'll turn you into a great soprano.
- Paula, what's going on? Who is that? - BOB: This is Jeff, the guy that broke Paula's heart.
She drew pictures of his Johnson with hearts around it for years after that.
Dad, why do you know that? Because you left your diary on that shelf in the bathroom.
Dad, would you put the gun down? I was leaving, anyway.
(sighs) It was so good to see you again and it was so good to hear you say what you said.
Thank you.
All right, let's go.
Give me the keys.
- I'm driving.
- No, no, no, it's okay.
Bob can drive.
He drives really well when he's drunk.
(sighs) (chuckles softly) Ah, yeah.
Damn.
Like a curtain (scat singing) She's a beauty, I'm the beast - (cheering, applause) - Oh, my gosh.
Yeah, he's really going for it.
Oh.
- Oh! - What is that thing on his face? WHITE JOSH: I don't know, but it's alive.
HECTOR: I can't look away.
I should, but I can't.
(scat singing) Whoa.
Oh, my God.
Whoa.
Josh, um, your face is infected.
You didn't, like, touch some dirty glasses and then try to pop a pimple on your face, did you? (laughing): No, I'm not an idiot.
You're just afraid to compete.
HEATHER: No.
I'm serious.
I think that's a staph infection.
(scat singing) JOSH: Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here we go.
Light shining through the window Huh? You like that? (laughs) (grunts, hums) Window - Like light through a window For you, my lady.
Hey, Josh.
So, um, I'm a nurse and that looks like a staph infection.
JOSH: Guys, I'm fine.
Check this out.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey And we'll be on - (gasps) - (all gasping, groaning) (gags) I'm gonna go.
Bye.
(gasps) REBECCA: So, you didn't kiss? PAULA: No, thank God.
Scott was right.
I have always treated him like the consolation prize and it's because Jeff rejected me.
He was always this ideal thing that I couldn't have, but I got to reject him, so now he's no longer on some kind of pedestal.
I can finally move on from wondering what could've been with Jeff Channington because this time I got to make the choice.
Wow.
Paula, I just, it blows my mind that I didn't know any of this.
You know that I want you to tell me this stuff, right? Babe you are trying to get better after something really huge and traumatic.
I do not want to burden you.
I want to take care of you.
No, no, no, that's what you've always done, Paula, and (sighs) I love that ever since we met you have tried to be like my mom, but from now on, how about we just be best friends? But you're the little spoon and I'm the big spoon and that's how it works.
I mean, you said so yourself.
I shouldn't have said that.
That's not what we should be.
I mean, 'cause you know what size spoons fit together the best? No.
Same-size spoons.
Aw.
Hey.
They do.
That's perfect.
(laughing): Yeah, I just thought of that.
I like that.
Same-size spoons.
Okay.
- I like it.
- (both laugh) How you feeling, flair champ of West Covina? I have ten more days of antibiotics.
You were right.
It was a staph infection.
Heather, I could've died.
I took people's germs and smeared them into my face.
Mm-hmm.
Feel so stupid.
I was so wrong.
I'm not a big boy, I'm a small boy.
Oh.
Look, dumb stuff happens to all of us, Josh.
Don't, like, beat yourself up.
And also, you're a man.
Oh, that was the word.
(scoffs) Mm-hmm.
(sighs) Heather I'm spiraling.
I have no apartment, no relationship, no career goals.
I just feel like there's no ground under me, you know? Yeah.
Well, you'll figure it out.
I'm still figuring things out and I'm, like, way smarter and cooler than you are.
(scoffs) Are you? Yeah.
I am.
You do magic.
Exactly.
Exactly.
PAULA: All right.
We got to get to the airport.
So, um, thanks for trying to shoot Jeff, Dad.
- Meant a lot.
- Yeah, well, thanks for coming and visiting me.
I mean, I know I'm just an old pain who reads your diaries and number-twos in your drawers.
- What? - (laughing): Bob, you're the worst.
- (laughs) - Okay, let's go.
Hey, wait a minute, Paula.
Uh Rebecca tells me that you're, uh, first in your class in law school.
Um I didn't know you were smart like that.
Yeah, I am.
I'm really smart.
All right, you don't have to hit me over the head with it.
But, uh, it would be nice if you guys came back and visited again.
- Thanks, my friend's dad.
- Oh.
Okay, I'll be in the car.
Okay.
(chuckles) (knocking on door) - Hi.
- Hi.
How was your trip? So, remember the day I chased you around the conference room and then jumped on you like a flying squirrel move? (laughs) I do.
Yes.
(laughs) Okay, stand back.
Mmm.
Are you sure this is okay with your therapy thing? Just shut up.
What? We shouldn't keep pie in here.
Hey, honey.
How's your dad? Same.
Mm, want some? Sure.
So, I want to talk to you about something.
It's important.
If I could go through a magical stone wall and pick any man in any time period in any universe I would pick Brad Pitt in Thelma & Louise.
Strong choice.
Me same.
And when he turned me down (laughs) I'd pick you.
Really? Yeah.
Every day of the week.
Right back at you.
REBECCA: So, I went to Buffalo, drank a ton of vodka, sexted with a guy, damaged a house with darts and urine, got in a car with a drunk guy oops Watched that guy threaten another guy with a gun, and I farted a ton on the plane on the way back because no one could hear it, and I just had a ton of sex with my ex-boss.
So, how's that for getting out of the therapy bubble? Wow, that is not in any workbook I know of.
You know, my whole life, I've only known how to be, like, really good or really bad.
But being a human is living in that kind of in-between space, it's making mistakes, and that's very scary, but also very cool.
Great work.
You, my friend, get an A-plus on your C-plus.
Yes! And I got this just for you.
Pick one.
Oh.
(sniffs) Oh, yeah.
It smells like grape.
And I didn't, I didn't even want to die.
I just wanted the pain to stop.
- You don't want to have a baby, do you? - No.
- What are we gonna do? - I don't know.
Are you sure you don't need to go be at home? What about your kids? PAULA: I am where I should be.
Which is right by your side.
DR.
SHIN: It is my opinion that you exhibit many of the characteristics of borderline personality disorder.
I'm here for you.
That really means a lot.
(sighs happily) Hey, Heather.
- (door closes) - What up, what up, what up, what up? - You're in a good mood.
- Yeah.
Wow.
Someone did some shopping.
Yes, I'm very excited.
Can't believe your doctor gave you so much homework.
Oh, no, you know, he only assigned me one of those books, but I just figured, if filling out one book is good, filling out all of them must be even better.
You're such an A student.
God, I miss being a student.
Is there something you can fill out when you used to be a student, but now you're not a student? I think it's called a job application.
Oh.
Ah.
Mm, okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh let's see.
âExercise One: Scan your body for any signs of distress.
â Mmm (robot voice): Initiating body scan.
Oh, these pants feel tight.
They are tight in the crotch.
These are terrible pants.
I should get rid of these pants.
Please don't take your pants off in front of me, I know you haven't done laundry lately.
I'm actually wearing your bikini bottoms.
You can keep 'em.
Thank you.
- - (Rebecca scat singing) Did all the books.
Are you proud of me? I don't know if you keep stickers around, but if you do, I prefer scratch-n-sniff, so Rebecca, I applaud your work ethic, but recovery is not about assigning yourself homework and doing it in record time.
So you're saying I set a record.
I know you want an A-plus, but I need to challenge you to get a different type of grade.
What's better than an A-plus? - A C-plus.
- (gasps) I know by doing this work, you want to get better quickly, but for someone like you, the overachieving is part of the issue.
You need to relax.
Relax? Okay, is that what they told you to do at Syracuse? I'm sor I'm sorry, Syracuse is a lovely school for communications or something.
Hey, you need to put the pencil down.
You have been in a therapy bubble.
All right? It is time to take steps into the real world.
The real world? No, no, I don't want that, 'cause what if I mess things up? Then that's okay.
Go out there and make some messes, have some adventures.
And stop being so hard on yourself.
I mean, you're right.
I am hard on myself.
God, it's one of my worst qualities.
God, I'm such a dumb, loser, - hard-on-myself bitch.
- That.
Stop doing that.
(sighs) I just don't want to fail.
You need to redefine failure.
As I did, when I only got into my safety school.
(laughs): Oh, ho That's a beauty.
(giggles) Hey! Look, I made special pancakes with a sports theme.
Basketball, soccer ball, baseball, golf ball.
Those are just circles, Mom.
Oh, wait till you hear what happened this morning.
Okay, so Grandma calls and she said she's got this church retreat in Minnesota that she has to go to, and she wants me to stay with Granpa.
(laughs) 'Cause he fell down 'cause he's old or Cough, cough alcoholic.
What is she thinking? Like I would ever go and do that.
You guys know how much my dad annoys me.
Who's ready for an egg-n-cheese Sammy? - I am.
- Me, too.
SCOTT: (chuckles) So hungry.
You're going out to breakfast? I mean, what are you talking about? While you were busy with Rebecca, we got a new routine.
We do drive-through for breakfast now.
- BRENDAN: Yeah.
Let's get going.
- Starving.
Mmm.
- Yeah, same.
(chuckles): Mm-hmm.
- So hungry.
- Craving those sandwiches.
Hey, Scott.
TOMMY: Yeah, it's the best.
Look, I know I was AWOL with Rebecca, but I'm back.
I'm here.
I am doing laundry, I am flushing toilets, I am helping with homework.
Okay, let's face it, I am doing homework.
Yeah, but we don't know how long this is gonna last.
You go through phases.
Before Rebecca, there were those vampire novels.
Sudoku, and then there was the obsession with Amal Clooney's outfits.
She is a style icon and a barrister.
There's always something you're obsessed with and, uh, eh, it's kind of never us.
We're like a, I don't know, a chore or something.
You're not a chore.
This is my life and I have accepted it.
My life is chores and working and studying and never having enough time to finish the last season of Outlander, it's fine.
I wasn't trying to start something.
You do your best.
But it always feels like there's some part of you that's not really here.
Why is that? Hmm.
Don't know.
I'm in just such a transitional time right now, you know? Tell me about it.
My voice is cracking, hair is appearing in very strange places, and my armpits are starting to smell like like armpits.
But I'm supposed to be past that.
I'm a big boy.
What's the word for that? - Man.
- Yeah.
Man, what is the word for that? Josh, I couldn't help but overhear as I was trying to overhear.
You're looking for a job, huh? (scoffs) I really need a job.
I'm on indefinite suspension from Aloha so I'm broke.
We've been looking for a bartender.
You interested? Bartending? Huh.
I ought it was kind of lame when Greg did it, but I bet I could make it cool.
I am really coordinated because of my martial arts and my magic.
I bet I could pick up some dope Cocktail tricks pretty fast.
We mostly serve beer, so we don't need anything fancy.
Thanks for not cheering too loud at my game today.
I know it was hard.
Yeah, I tried to reign it in, but it is hard because Madison is rad-ison.
(chuckles) I'll excuse it because you're going through a tough time.
I mean, you just broke up with your boyfriend.
You did break up with him, right? - (clears throat) What? - Come on! You want to have a baby.
He doesn't.
I know, but it's so hard.
I still care about him.
I love him.
You got to rip off the Band-Aid.
That's how I broke up with Jimmy.
I ripped off his Band-Aid.
Here he is.
Do it.
Joshua! My dad has something to tell you.
- Oh, yeah? - Um What's up? (sighs) Um Madison won her game.
WHITE JOSH: Oh, nice, Madison.
Way to go.
Out going back to Buffalo? Madison won her game.
Nobody appreciates me at my house right now.
I mean, I might as well.
Scott has been so pissy lately.
Oh, sometimes I wish I could just touch a stone wall and go back to 1743 to be with my other husband, the Scottish warrior, and you don't watch Outlander, do you? - Mm, sorry.
- Like, none of this makes any sense to you.
(inhales sharply) - Okay.
- Anyway, Paula, are you sure you want to go back and hang out with your dad? I mean, you hate him; he makes you feel horrible about yourself.
Yeah, no, I wasn't gonna go, but, you know, he needs me and, I mean, Buffalo's gonna be messy, but at least it's kind of an adventure.
A messy adventure, you say? That sounds fun.
You know, I've always wanted to go to Buffalo.
- You have? - Yes, yes.
Ever since I saw Bruce Almighty.
- (laughs): Oh, my - Paula.
Paula, no, this is perfect.
This is exactly the kind of adventure that Dr.
Shin was talking about.
Let me come with you.
- Really? - Yeah.
(knocking on door) Yeah, come in, Paula.
Hey.
Oh.
I just, uh, wanted to come check on you.
You know, like men do.
Haven't seen you in a while.
Everything good? You're not running away again, are you? No, no, no, I'm just, I'm going on a quick trip with Paula.
I'm trying to get out of my bubble, my therapy bubble.
It's why I've been kind of MIA from everything, so, sorry.
Oh, no, don't be sorry.
It's, it's good to see you.
Yeah.
Might have missed you a little bit.
I don't know.
Prob-Probably not.
I'm probably just feeling a little weird because I accidentally had dairy yesterday.
I asked for a grilled cheese sandwich, but I said âno cheese, no bread, I just want a hot, salty tomatoâ" But, you know, they don't listen.
Cool.
What a roundabout explanation for wanting to come see a friend.
Come here.
- I don't know if I can have sex.
- Huh? I don't know if the books say that I can have sex yet.
I mean, and I definitely am not ready for a relationship.
Not that that's what you're trying to do.
I don't know what I'm saying.
You're a really good hugger.
Oh, thank you.
The thing is, I would love to have sex with you again.
Like, I'm talking to you here right now, but there's another version of me Like, an alternate version in a parallel universe That's just ripping your clothes off right now and climbing you like the sequoia you are, you know what I'm sayin'? - Sequoia? - Yeah.
'Cause you're, like, tall and hard, and wooden, and sexy, and native to California, so just get out of here, please.
Please just get out of here.
- Okay.
All right.
I'm-a go.
- Go.
But I'm-a go sexy.
(yelps) (laughing) Why is Nathaniel leaving so sexy? It's a whole thing.
Let's just go.
Okay.
No.
Mm, no.
Hey, Dad.
Look who's home from Hollywood.
(laughs) It's West Covina.
It's not even close to Hollywood.
This is my friend, Rebecca.
Look, enough with the pleasantries.
Your mother told you come and babysit me.
I don't need it.
I fell, I got a giant bruise on my ass cheek.
Other than that, I'm perfect.
Hey, isn't that the girl your mother told me about? She, uh, kind of sucks at killing herself? Dad! (laughs) Hey, I know this guy from my old precinct in Brooklyn, he tried to shoot himself in his foot to get workers' comp.
Blew off his willie.
You're like that guy.
Oh, my God, Rebecca, I am so sorry.
No, no, no.
It-It's okay.
Wait, wait, so the guy just blew off the willie? Not the entire package? So that means he just missed out on becoming, like, a great soprano? - By a hair.
- (Rebecca and Bob laughing) He's funny.
He's really not.
Paula doesn't have a sense of humor.
Never has.
That's why she's not likable.
Hey, I'm not saying anything you don't know.
You have other qualities.
You're sturdy.
Would've made a great defensive tackle.
Well, see, Paula? That's-that's a genderless compliment.
Yeah, you know, I always actually wondered if maybe Paula had a pecker, a little one, you know what I'm saying? Okay, never mind.
I'm sorry.
You know what? I'm gonna go to the market.
'Cause I'll bet all you got in the fridge is artillery and vodka.
Oh, I'm almost out of vodka.
Go ahead.
I'll stay with him.
Bye.
(door opens, closes) Hey, would you like to see a big turd I left in the toilet? No.
Kinda.
(sighs) PAULA (echoing): Jeff.
Can I help you, ma'am? Who is that? That's That's my Josh Chan.
Is that your ex or something? Oh, he's not just any ex.
He's he's the one I never got over.
I thought if I saw him again, I'd I'd want to punch him in the face, but instead I feel all warm and tingly inside, like glitter is exploding inside of me.
CLERK: So he was your first love? Oh, baby, he was my first everything.
I've thought about him for so long Those memories are crystal clear I was so young He was so big and strong I can't believe that he's right here I was such an innocent girl When we first met He opened up my eyes, showed me a whole new world So how could I ever forget? The first penis I saw First penis, very first penis First penis Very first penis I saw First penis, very first penis, penis First penis Very first penis I saw And of all the penises I've seen His had the biggest impact And by that what I mean is It really made me drop my jaw 'Cause it was the very first penis I saw A few times before I felt it through his pants And just generally kinda rubbed it But that night I decided to take a chance I took it out and he really seemed to love it I didn't know what to do next I didn't have that part planned He said, âLet me show you some basic movesâ And then he took my hand And taught me all about the First penis, very first penis First penis Very first penis I saw First penis, very first penis, penis First penis Very first penis I saw Not the dirtiest, also not the cleanest In terms of penis, I really was the greenest I was in total awe Of the very first penis I saw He's coming! Bail on the turntable! I was so eager, I couldn't hide my keenness Everything about it seemed quite ingenious I couldn't find a single flaw In the first penis Very first penis Very first penis I saw! Paula O'Brien? Jeff Channington.
Heather, you're gonna have to step it up.
I've been rocking the YouTube tutorials, and a simple pour ain't gonna win you this rodeo.
I'm not in a rodeo.
Hey, check this out.
I call this the Big Boy.
Who's thirsty? Who's thirsty? I'm a Big Boy! I'm a Big Boy! Oh, man, this is a barf.
- You like that? - Yeah.
(laughing) All right! - Hey, I'm Teresa.
- I'm Josh.
I'm a big boy.
- I can see that.
- (chuckles) I love your Cocktail moves.
- Thanks.
It's called flair.
- Cool.
Hey, so you busy after work tomorrow night? Oh, I always get busy after work tomorrow night.
(laughs) That's good! (laughs) I mean this is unbelievable.
So you back in town? I mean, I thought you were off living in Hollywood.
Well, actually, uh, yes.
Yes.
Yes, I am.
Yes, I'm back for a couple of days, yes.
Wow.
I mean, you're just here for a couple of days and we ran into each other? That is crazy.
Yeah.
So weird, right? I mean, we haven't seen each other since You dumped me in the parking lot of the mall after we saw Fried Green Tomatoes.
(sighs) I'm sorry.
What a jerk I was.
Yeah, so ever since then, I hear Kathy Bates do a Southern accent, - and I have to leave the room.
- You know, Paula, you were so cool and so funny and so smart.
And you were the only girl in town who knew anything about Camaros.
By the way, I'm restoring one.
Yeah, I bought it on eBay.
It's stupid, but it's my hobby.
Always makes me think of you.
- Me? - Yeah.
- Do you want to come and see it? - (sighs, groans) Look, here's my card.
In case you change your mind.
I've never watched conservative news before.
All the women look exactly the same, like they're old, blonde Miss USAâs.
- Why is that? - Well, if we put 'em on the news, then we don't have to send 'em out to the glue factory.
(both laugh) - Bob, that's terrible.
- Eh Bob, be real.
You don't agree with all this stuff, right? I mean, you don't think everyone should own a gun? Oh, no.
They should own two guns one for animals, one for people.
- Bob! - (laughs) - God.
Of course.
- Here you go.
Oh, ah I don't know if I can.
Sorry.
I honestly don't know what my book says about alcohol.
Your book? You mean like a Bible? Uh, kinda, but less sci-fi.
Um Oh Okay, but alcohol's not really my trigger.
âTrigger.
â Now you're speaking my language.
Let's get sauced.
Let's do some shots.
- Come on.
- Okay.
The news is great on shots.
- (laughs) All right.
- Here we go.
All right, cheers.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
Whoo! - Ooh, it burns like a spicy salsa party! - Yes, yes.
- (laughs): It feels so good.
- Hey.
- Hey! - Hi! Oh.
This looks like a fun time.
Uh-huh, yeah.
Hey, Rebecca, do you have a second to come talk to me in the kitchen? Yeah, I'll be right there.
I'm just busy getting a C-plus in getting D-runk! - (laughs): Yeah.
- (laughs) (sighs, laughs) Oh, there you go.
You're doing very well.
She's doing very well.
- Oh, thank you.
- Very well.
(Rebecca and Bob continue chattering) (snorts) I'm gonna whiz and, uh, hit the hay.
Okay.
- Good night, Bob.
- That was fun.
Oh, is Paula back yet? I wonder if she's in bed.
(phone chimes) Oh.
(sighs) (chuckles) Sequoia.
- (chuckles) - - - (laughs) - - JEFF: You came! (chuckles softly) You're here.
Well, I wanted to see the Z/28.
And that is the only reason I'm here.
(chuckles) Well I don't care why you're here.
I'm just happy to see you.
(chuckles) You're throwing wrenches at me now? Hmm.
Oh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
(chuckles) Let's see.
(Josh humming) Big boy's back in the game.
Who's got it? Got it Oh, my God.
What is that? No Not today.
I have a date.
Ow.
Ow! (shouts) (coughs, snorts) (moans) (moaning) (gasps) Good morning.
(snorts) Mm.
- Did you sleep well? - Yeah.
Hi.
Where were you last night? I got up to pee at some point, and I went to check on you, and you weren't in your bed.
I may have number one'd in one of your drawers.
No, I did.
I definitely did.
I'm sorry, I was drunk.
I went out.
I, uh saw an old friend who was fixing up an old Camaro downtown, and I happen to love those, so Oh, right, you love cars.
I always forget that because it doesn't interest me.
(chuckles) Well, I'm glad you did that.
Good for you.
You deserve to have a little late-night party fun.
You never do anything for yourself.
- Well, you know.
Sometimes I do.
- You really don't, though.
You're always too busy being a good wife and mom and friend and co-worker.
You're like everyone's big spoon.
You're so reliable.
(clicks tongue) You look so pretty.
Where you going? Oh, um I'm going to see the friend.
Who's your friend? My friend? Um He she She's a she.
Sheila Girlface.
âSheila Girlfaceâ? Yeah, well, it's Girlfacce, but, you know, they had to change it at Ellis Island.
Assimilation is a rape.
Anyway, uh, my friend invited me to Saturday Mass this morning.
You want to come? Uh Oh, it sounds awesome.
Um but Bob and I got to check his traps.
For raccoons, and people's stupid small dogs.
Both make cool hats, apparently.
Wow, you two really get along.
I'm sorry.
Is it annoying? Should I stop? I can stop.
It's a little annoying, but, listen, you're really doing me a favor.
You're taking care of him, and so I'm free to do what I want to do, which is go to church.
Okay, bye.
Okay.
Tell God I say well, he knows how I feel.
Thank God.
I was waiting for her to leave.
Was so wasted last night, I went in one of her drawers.
So did I.
I thought that was you! (both laughing) - Hey.
- Hey! This is a nice surprise.
I have baseball practice.
What are you doing here? Well, Madison said to meet her.
She wanted to practice her slider.
- Ah.
- (women chattering) Ooh.
Oh, look.
She's like the sweetest Sliders are not really a thing in softball, are they? Uh Oh, look at that little sleep sack.
Isn't that cute? What a clever solution for transitioning out of the swaddle.
Wait a second.
Did you set this up? Are you trying to force the baby issue again? What? No! Me? No.
I mean, I'm not even here to meet you.
I'm here to meet Madis oh.
Oh, my God.
Oh, man.
No.
This must have been Madison.
No, she does stuff like this.
Oh, she is so clever.
What she did was she knew that there was a baby shower today, and she had both of us come here so we could have our little baby fight.
(laughs) Why would she want that? Well, because she wants to break us up - because she wants a sibling.
- Oh.
(laughing): Oh.
Wow.
Yeah, I mean, she's really trying to push the issue because, you know, you and I have been at this impasse so long.
Yeah.
Yeah, we have.
Joshua.
The truth is oh, this is so hard to do, because I I love you a lot, but I'm not happy anymore because of this.
Maybe having a baby started out as a whim, but it's what I want for my life now.
And you don't want a baby, maybe not ever.
I mean, you made that clear, and, t-that's not gonna change.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, I know.
I mean, I am always gonna care about you.
I really am.
'Cause I love you.
I I love you, too.
But (sighs) Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, wait.
So this is Yeah, I guess it is.
God, this sucks.
I don't know what to do Can we Can we still be friends, or ? I don't know.
I mean, I would love that.
But that just sounds so hard right now.
Did a nine-year-old just trick us into doing something we weren't brave enough to do ourselves? (laughs softly) I think so.
Huh.
I don't understand what you feel so bad about.
So you had a little phone action with some guy.
Where's the harm in that? I mean, I do it, too.
For $9.
95 an hour, you get a real French girl.
- They're not French, Bob.
- They're French enough.
Go ahead.
Give it another try.
Are you sure? I don't want to break more stuff.
BOB: Oh, come on.
Live a little.
Have a vodka, dingle yourself while you're texting a guy, throw a dart out the window.
Go ahead.
- (dart clattering) - Or behind you.
Throw it behind you.
How does that feel? Feels good, right? Yeah, you know what? It does feel good to be outside the bubble.
You're right.
I'm having the best time right now.
You're like the dad I never had.
You didn't have a dad? I do, but he sucks.
I'll get it.
(glass shatters) I just made a new buddy He and I bonded right away I got only good things to say About my friend's dad My friend's dad It's all the fun of having a dad Without the painful history She has spunk And he's a literal drunk But that don't bother me 'Cause he's not my dad He's my friend's dad It's the healthiest relationship I've had with a man That fact I must confess He doesn't push my buttons 'Cept the buttons on this cute dress - Doot, doot, doot! - (laughs) It's nothing but platonic His bigotry's ironic I like you.
You barely complain for a Jewish.
Oh, you.
If we were related We'd probably fight a lot Wait, what about Jews? Here, have some more booze What was I saying? Oh, well I forgot, glug, glug My friend's dad My friend's dad And when she's not around I think about her naked - Huh? - Nothing, kiddo.
My friend's dad.
The V8 engine is man's greatest artistic achievement.
Yeah, it's like the Sistine Chapel of car stuff.
(laughs) (music volume increases) Do you believe You want to dance? Me? Do you see any other beautiful women in here? Uh In letting Me hold (laughing): Oh.
You tight What? (gasps) Kissed you good night I want to know Please tell me so What are we doing? We're just two old friends, catching up.
Do you believe Going back in time.
Like Outlander.
What? (laughs) Oh, God, you make me feel like I am 17 again, and all my worries are just gone.
In my real life, I'm always someone's mom, someone's best friend, someone's errand girl, but you make me feel special.
(laughs) And you make me feel like a terrible dancer.
You got moves.
Wha oh, ooh! (laughs) Whoa, whoa, whoa Ooh Yeah So Uh, I'll call you? I guess.
- Is that - Yes, no.
I I'll just see you around.
Maybe? Well, we've been saying good-bye for about two hours.
(laughs): So, guess we should - probably go.
- Yeah, you're right.
Who should go first? Uh JOSH: Here comes the big boy.
(dance music playing) Hey, there.
Can I make you a Joshtini? (laughing): Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Sit down, sit down.
Look at this.
Oh, no.
Actually, we're on our way out.
What? No.
No, you can't leave.
What are you look at Josh.
You guys can't miss this.
He thinks he's Tom Cruise in Cocktail.
- It-it's amazing.
- JOSH: Yeah.
Cannot be missed.
Okay.
I'm staying.
Yes.
You're making the right call.
Ah I'm starting to worry about Paula.
She's not answering her phone, she's been at church for, like, nine hours.
Church? - Nine hours on a Saturday? - Well, yeah.
I mean, she said she ran into a friend with, like, a cool Camaro or something? Um, oh, right, her name is Sheila Girlfacce.
You probably know her as Sheila Girlface.
So, that's a fake name.
I fell for that.
Camaro? I know what this is about.
Come on, let's go.
You told me - Can I ask you something? - Anything.
Do you ever think about us? Do you ever regret our breakup? But there is one thing - You want the truth? - I really do.
Yeah.
I regret it.
Big-time.
Before you (whispering): Really? Yeah.
I never should've let you go.
It was a big mistake.
When you leave me, no Ooh! Well that was all I needed.
What? - Yeah.
- (shotgun cocks) Take one step closer to her and I'll turn you into a great soprano.
- Paula, what's going on? Who is that? - BOB: This is Jeff, the guy that broke Paula's heart.
She drew pictures of his Johnson with hearts around it for years after that.
Dad, why do you know that? Because you left your diary on that shelf in the bathroom.
Dad, would you put the gun down? I was leaving, anyway.
(sighs) It was so good to see you again and it was so good to hear you say what you said.
Thank you.
All right, let's go.
Give me the keys.
- I'm driving.
- No, no, no, it's okay.
Bob can drive.
He drives really well when he's drunk.
(sighs) (chuckles softly) Ah, yeah.
Damn.
Like a curtain (scat singing) She's a beauty, I'm the beast - (cheering, applause) - Oh, my gosh.
Yeah, he's really going for it.
Oh.
- Oh! - What is that thing on his face? WHITE JOSH: I don't know, but it's alive.
HECTOR: I can't look away.
I should, but I can't.
(scat singing) Whoa.
Oh, my God.
Whoa.
Josh, um, your face is infected.
You didn't, like, touch some dirty glasses and then try to pop a pimple on your face, did you? (laughing): No, I'm not an idiot.
You're just afraid to compete.
HEATHER: No.
I'm serious.
I think that's a staph infection.
(scat singing) JOSH: Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here we go.
Light shining through the window Huh? You like that? (laughs) (grunts, hums) Window - Like light through a window For you, my lady.
Hey, Josh.
So, um, I'm a nurse and that looks like a staph infection.
JOSH: Guys, I'm fine.
Check this out.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey And we'll be on - (gasps) - (all gasping, groaning) (gags) I'm gonna go.
Bye.
(gasps) REBECCA: So, you didn't kiss? PAULA: No, thank God.
Scott was right.
I have always treated him like the consolation prize and it's because Jeff rejected me.
He was always this ideal thing that I couldn't have, but I got to reject him, so now he's no longer on some kind of pedestal.
I can finally move on from wondering what could've been with Jeff Channington because this time I got to make the choice.
Wow.
Paula, I just, it blows my mind that I didn't know any of this.
You know that I want you to tell me this stuff, right? Babe you are trying to get better after something really huge and traumatic.
I do not want to burden you.
I want to take care of you.
No, no, no, that's what you've always done, Paula, and (sighs) I love that ever since we met you have tried to be like my mom, but from now on, how about we just be best friends? But you're the little spoon and I'm the big spoon and that's how it works.
I mean, you said so yourself.
I shouldn't have said that.
That's not what we should be.
I mean, 'cause you know what size spoons fit together the best? No.
Same-size spoons.
Aw.
Hey.
They do.
That's perfect.
(laughing): Yeah, I just thought of that.
I like that.
Same-size spoons.
Okay.
- I like it.
- (both laugh) How you feeling, flair champ of West Covina? I have ten more days of antibiotics.
You were right.
It was a staph infection.
Heather, I could've died.
I took people's germs and smeared them into my face.
Mm-hmm.
Feel so stupid.
I was so wrong.
I'm not a big boy, I'm a small boy.
Oh.
Look, dumb stuff happens to all of us, Josh.
Don't, like, beat yourself up.
And also, you're a man.
Oh, that was the word.
(scoffs) Mm-hmm.
(sighs) Heather I'm spiraling.
I have no apartment, no relationship, no career goals.
I just feel like there's no ground under me, you know? Yeah.
Well, you'll figure it out.
I'm still figuring things out and I'm, like, way smarter and cooler than you are.
(scoffs) Are you? Yeah.
I am.
You do magic.
Exactly.
Exactly.
PAULA: All right.
We got to get to the airport.
So, um, thanks for trying to shoot Jeff, Dad.
- Meant a lot.
- Yeah, well, thanks for coming and visiting me.
I mean, I know I'm just an old pain who reads your diaries and number-twos in your drawers.
- What? - (laughing): Bob, you're the worst.
- (laughs) - Okay, let's go.
Hey, wait a minute, Paula.
Uh Rebecca tells me that you're, uh, first in your class in law school.
Um I didn't know you were smart like that.
Yeah, I am.
I'm really smart.
All right, you don't have to hit me over the head with it.
But, uh, it would be nice if you guys came back and visited again.
- Thanks, my friend's dad.
- Oh.
Okay, I'll be in the car.
Okay.
(chuckles) (knocking on door) - Hi.
- Hi.
How was your trip? So, remember the day I chased you around the conference room and then jumped on you like a flying squirrel move? (laughs) I do.
Yes.
(laughs) Okay, stand back.
Mmm.
Are you sure this is okay with your therapy thing? Just shut up.
What? We shouldn't keep pie in here.
Hey, honey.
How's your dad? Same.
Mm, want some? Sure.
So, I want to talk to you about something.
It's important.
If I could go through a magical stone wall and pick any man in any time period in any universe I would pick Brad Pitt in Thelma & Louise.
Strong choice.
Me same.
And when he turned me down (laughs) I'd pick you.
Really? Yeah.
Every day of the week.
Right back at you.
REBECCA: So, I went to Buffalo, drank a ton of vodka, sexted with a guy, damaged a house with darts and urine, got in a car with a drunk guy oops Watched that guy threaten another guy with a gun, and I farted a ton on the plane on the way back because no one could hear it, and I just had a ton of sex with my ex-boss.
So, how's that for getting out of the therapy bubble? Wow, that is not in any workbook I know of.
You know, my whole life, I've only known how to be, like, really good or really bad.
But being a human is living in that kind of in-between space, it's making mistakes, and that's very scary, but also very cool.
Great work.
You, my friend, get an A-plus on your C-plus.
Yes! And I got this just for you.
Pick one.
Oh.
(sniffs) Oh, yeah.
It smells like grape.