Curb Your Enthusiasm s03e07 Episode Script

Larry David? Hi, Phil Dunlap, here for the chef's position.
- Oh.
- Hi.
Hi.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, look at you.
Look at you.
Yeah, look at you.
Wow.
When did you start losing it? I started losing when I was 15.
than me, yeah.
Yeah, a little bit earlier.
I actually like it.
Ah, yeah, me too.
A little sunscreen on it and it's fine.
- Yeah, a lot of sunscreen, right? - Exactly.
You can't go outside without the sunscreen.
No convertibles.
Oh, God, I hate that.
Oh, absolutely.
'Cause you have to wear a hat if you're gonna be in a convertible, and then you look like you're trying to hide something.
That's what they do, these guys with the hats, don't they? They wear it all the time, and they'll meet a girl then they'll show up on a date.
Are they gonna take the hat off? Wear it? They have a terrible decision Then the girl is gonna be, like, "I didn't know you were bald.
" - "You misrepresented yourself.
" - Exactly.
"You're a liar.
" Right, yeah.
- Minoxidil? - No, you? No.
Every day for the rest of your life you have to - The drops and everything? - Then you got to massage it in.
There's something psychologically going wrong Psychologically wrong with them, what about the transplant people? - Huh? - I hate those people.
- Toupee? Huh? - No.
- Oh, no, absolutely not.
- They should kill those guys.
Exactly.
I'm surprised Hitler didn't round up the toupee people.
If I'm going to be a sick megalomaniac, to round up people who I hated, they would be on my list.
- I would say, "Get the toupee people.
" - Absolutely.
I'd have my henchmen going around tugging at people's hair.
If it comes off "Balden," come with me.
Ach, "Balden.
" My fault.
It was my fault the whole time.
No, no, no, it was my fault.
I overreacted We were all crazy.
No, if I hadn't told Mindy Reiser that thing Forget it.
You know what? To new times, good friends.
- Back on track.
- Water under the bridge.
Good, good.
It's good to see you guys.
Ah-hh! Does that bother anybody when I make a noise like that? Is anybody disturbed by that? And why should you be? What is it? So what? How is everything going? How are the kids? How's the house? Jakey is driving us nuts.
He's always wanted a dog, and we kept putting him off.
He wants a dog, and we can't put him off anymore.
No freaking puppy, though.
I don't want the peeing, I don't want the chewing.
I want a good, smart, trained dog.
Jeff's got that German shepherd - Oh, right.
- they're looking to get rid oh my God, this would be perfect for you.
How old is the dog? He's, I don't know, maybe four.
I had a German shepherd when I was a little boy.
- Did you? - Yeah, yeah.
- He keeps talking about him.
- You can't believe this dog.
It's a corpse-sniffing dog.
They got it from the fire department.
A what? It's a corpse-sniffing? I'm telling you, this is an amazing dog.
- What's his name? - Oscar.
Oscar? Oscar.
What happened was they separated Jeff and his wife.
She was left alone in the house and she was worried so she got a dog for security, and - And she got a shepherd.
- Right, and now Now they reconciled and he's moved back, but he's allergic to the dog, and he's sniffing and sneezing all the time, And he's a wreck.
But the dog is so great.
It's like having a person there who barks.
- He understands everything.
- How's the dog with kids? Great, they have a little girl.
Tough customer.
But the dog is fabulous with her.
Wouldn't hurt a fly.
Sounds perfect.
You know what? How do we do this, how do we do this? All right, you're interested? - Absolutely.
- Yes, yes, very.
That could be absolutely perfect.
He's like an elephant sticking his head in a pond.
Why are you watching this? Ugh this routine.
Stop it.
Um-um.
No, I'm sorry, no.
The cork is dry.
We need to send this back.
- Don't send that back.
- Feel the cork.
- I don't give a shit.
- You don't even have to taste it.
Tell the manager.
Have him taste it an actual Bordeaux glass.
Can you please pour some for me? You can't send this back.
You're an expert in wine? Go ahead, taste it.
Larry, come on.
- Fine.
- It's fine, it's delicious.
At $140 a bottle, I don't want "fine.
" "Larry couldn't possibly tell No, Larry, Larry, come on, you can't.
"Larry's not sophisticated enough to know" It's not a matter of sophistication, - It's a delicate thing.
- You don't have to drink it.
You don't have to drink it.
We'll order something else.
- I'll get you a nice spritzer.
- A spritzer.
- Terrific meal.
- It was great.
Didn't I say last time we were here I wasn't gonna have dessert? So what's going on with your restaurant? - You haven't said a word.
- Thank you for asking.
I'm not allowed to talk about it.
She doesn't like it.
She's bored with restaurant talk.
- I'm not allowed to talk about it.
- No, you tell us.
When I was on "Seinfeld" I wasn't allowed to talk about "Seinfeld.
" I'm not allowed to talk about anything I'm doing.
I bore her, she bores so easily.
We're opening next week.
This new chef we got, he's gonna be fantastic.
Great.
Where did you find him? Okay, Larry only likes him because he's bald.
- That is so - No, that's true.
What makes you say that, Cheryl? He told me.
He goes, "I found this guy, he's great.
He's bald.
" Does that seem logical? - Don't say that.
That's not true.
- Is that? I did hire a bald man, but And only because he's bald.
- No, no, no.
- No, Larry.
No, no, no splitting.
No splitting.
You picked up the last one.
- Don't you have to go to the bathroom? - Huh? Yeah, I got to go to the bathroom, right.
Go to the bathroom, go to the bathroom.
Thank you, Stu.
Anyway, thanks Stu, that's very nice of you.
My pleasure.
You're welcome.
What about me? You gonna thank me too? - And thank you, Susan.
- You're welcome.
Why why do I have to thank you? For dinner that my husband and I treated you to.
Oh, I thought he treated me to it.
Stu pulled out the credit card and put it down, yes.
Yeah.
So I thanked him.
And he's using our money to pay for it.
So you could thank us, we're taking you out to dinner.
Well, you can call it our money, but for the sake of discussion, he's the one who goes to work and earns the money.
- You don't work.
- All right, what about Cheryl, you don't work for yourself.
Whose money is it in your household? - Honey, it's our money.
- No, it's not.
- Oh, brother.
- I've earned the money.
So what do you do, pay her a salary? - How does she buy things? - She spends the money that I've earned.
She didn't work, I earned the money.
- Loving you is my job.
- I earned the money.
It's just a fact.
Stu, is it our it's our money.
- Our money.
- Right you know, and - Right? - He works, he gets the money.
- And it's their money.
- It's not "their money," it's my money.
It's not about where it's coming from, it's what it becomes.
It's completely about where it's coming from.
That's what it's about, "Where does it come from?" Well, I must say that I am just glad that in my marriage, that's not an issue.
That Stu considers it It's not an issue in our marriage either.
It's just a fact of where the money came from.
Having a great meal so glad to see you guys.
I'm just so happy to see you.
This is nice.
Hey, you know me, I don't like to complain.
Oh, yeah.
I think you know me well enough to know that by now.
How come there's no partitions in the bathroom between the urinals? - Here? - Yeah.
I don't know.
I thought we were gonna have that.
Is it important? It looks nice now.
We want a little pee privacy, do we not? Yeah, privacy.
I'm absolutely with you.
You don't want someone looking down at your thing.
This isn't a bus station.
What do you think? This is not gonna be that kind of crowd.
This is a high-class restaurant, Larry.
Still people go off to the side.
They've got the 45° angle things.
But is it really important, Larry? Yes, Michael.
It is important, yes.
- So we'll get them.
- I stand corrected.
- What are they called? - Splash guards.
We can't get it in time.
We open in three days.
We can't have the bathroom fixed in three days.
So we'll pee at home for a while before we come.
Hey, everybody.
- Who's this? - It's Oscar.
My family's dog, not my dog.
This dog kills me, I'm so allergic to it.
I have to hang with it today 'cause Susie's got some stuff to do with tiling at the new house.
If you're allergic, why do you have the dog? My wife and I were separated for a while.
While we were separated, she got this dog.
Now I'm back and the dog ain't going anywhere.
I want to talk to you about that.
- Don't touch your eyes.
- I'm not touching anything.
- What's the matter? - What are you doing, Oscar? Oscar! What's wrong with it? - Really acting up.
- Not in the kitchen.
What are you doing, Oscar? What's he got? Did somebody drop some meat or something? No, that floor is spotless for the health inspection.
Looks like he smells something.
Isn't he a corpse-sniffing dog? Well, folks, this rescue canine is well-credentialed.
I think there's a real strong possibility there's a dead body underneath that floor.
There will have to be an investigation, and we'll have to tear up the floor.
Oh, come on that's ridiculous! How long will that take? I don't know.
Oh, this is a nightmare.
I'm telling you, I'm gonna take my money out of this place.
What if there's a dead body under there? We're fucked.
No one will ever come to the restaurant where they found a body.
It'll be in the papers.
We're fucked.
If there's a dead body underneath there, we are fucked.
I can't live with this dog, it's making me crazy.
- My eyes are burning.
- You look terrible.
Right here, I have a pain so severe, from that freaking dog.
I am highly allergic to dogs.
You know the Braudys? That guy who smashed into Alanis Morissette? - Oh, that idiot.
- Yeah, that guy.
We had dinner with them the other night.
They're looking for a dog for the kids.
I mentioned Oscar.
They would take that dog off your hands tomorrow.
My daughter's in love with that dog.
What do I do? You've got to sit down and talk to her.
Tell her "Daddy can't live in this house because the dog makes Daddy sick.
" She'll understand, don't you think? Yeah, I think she would.
Explain it to her, what's going on.
If she doesn't know you've got to tell her.
- Tell her, talk to her.
- Hold on.
Oh my God, it's Oscar! Look at that, he came! I can't believe it.
You really love Oscar.
It's nice to be affectionate to something German.
You don't get the opportunity that often, you know? Good boy.
Daddy doesn't feel good.
Sneezing, up all night.
It hurts right here.
I have a horrible, horrible pain.
My eyes are watering and I feel horrible.
And the reason this is all happening is because of your pal Oscar.
All right? So you have to decide whether you want Daddy or Oscar.
Mmm Oscar.
What I'm saying is, if you say Oscar, - Daddy won't be here.
- I know.
- You know? - Mm-hmm.
But you're choosing Oscar.
I'm your dad.
I just love that dog.
Mm-hmm.
I have to go to the bathroom.
We open in three days.
This is ridiculous.
We shouldn't have called the cops.
We shouldn't have brought the dog here in the first place.
What's going on? Has he got something? Wait a second, wait a second, hold on.
I think he's found something.
- What do you got there? - Holy shit.
What does he got there? A bra? Is that it? Is there more? Is there a body with it? Nothing else down here.
That's it.
That's it? a bra? That's it folks.
There's nothing else in there.
Oh my God.
He's a bra-sniffing dog.
He's a good bra-sniffing dog.
- Terrific.
- Great.
- This is bullshit.
- All this for that? Mystery is solved.
How long is it gonna take to get all this back? With what you got going on here, it's a mess.
They dug up the electric, the gas, the plumbing, it's - So how long? - Three weeks to a month, Larry.
That's on the safe side.
Things could arise, you got the city involved now Larry, I'm sorry.
Let me ask you this can we get the splash guards in the urinal now? - What do you think? - I'll have time for that.
- That's good, Larry.
- We'll get the splash guards.
Blessing in disguise.
Larry! A dog! She chose a fucking dog over her own father.
You sat down, you laid it out? I told her, "Daddy's sick.
He can't stay in the same house with Oscar.
" She wants Oscar! She wants the dog! - Okay, calm down.
- Where is the dog? They took him back to your house.
My house? No, no, his house.
His house.
I'm at the W.
Hotel.
It's his house now.
By the way, he turned up a bra today.
There's no corpse.
A bra? What the fuck's wrong with that dog? - He's a bra-sniffing dog.
- A bra-sniffing dog? What the fuck? He's closing us down for three weeks now.
- Because of a bra? - Yeah, they dug up the whole place.
- That fucking dog! - Hey, take it easy.
I got to call that bald chef and tell him.
- He's gonna be disappointed.
- You know what? I don't know what I'm gonna do.
- Where are you gonna be? - W.
Hotel.
You're gonna hear from me soon.
- You're gonna hear from me.
- Where are you going? I got something to take care of.
Fuck! - Hi, Larry.
- Hi, Sammy.
My mommy's next door.
She'll be home soon.
And my daddy's at a hotel.
- Can I come in? - Mm-hmm.
- What are you drinking? - Grape juice.
Want some? Oh, positively.
Anyway, I actually came to talk to you.
Oh.
You know what? I think I'm gonna have this instead.
Okay.
I just want to try this wine.
Believe me, I know as much about this as the next guy.
Come on.
No.
Too fruity.
And a tad on the oaky side.
What does "oaky" mean? It tastes a little like a tree.
Let's talk about your dad, okay? Isn't there another animal we could interest you in? Perhaps a little pussycat? I don't like cats.
How about a rabbit? - Um-mm.
- Pony? I never heard of a little girl that didn't want a pony.
- Turtle? - Turtles scare me.
Hamster? Put him in a cage and you can torture him a little bit.
- They're boring.
- But you torture them.
It's not boring if you torture them.
I like Oscar better.
What is that, that dog whistle? Is that Oscar's whistle? Uh-huh.
I wouldn't blow it, he's asleep.
Oh.
Look at this.
I saw your daddy use it the other day.
He came running out of the restaurant.
I don't understand how this thing works.
Where's the whistle part? Anyway, that's my spiel.
So come on, Sammy.
What do you say? I don't want Oscar.
I want Daddy.
Go home! It's all taken care of.
That's right.
We had a little chat.
I'm taking him to the Braudys.
He's sitting right next to me.
You're more than welcome.
All right, my friend.
Goodbye.
Well, Oskie-boy.
Huh? What do you say, Oskie-boy? We're going to the Braudys, you excited? Are you excited about the Braudys? Come here, give me a kiss.
Give Uncle Larry a kissy, Oscar boy.
Ooh.
All right, look at your new home.
You're such a good boy.
Yeah, you're such a good boy! - Hello.
- Hi.
Well, here's Oscar.
This is the corpse-sniffing dog I was telling you about.
- Right.
I remember dinner.
- Oscar.
Yeah, all yours.
Do you have something to say to me, Larry? Yeah, congratulations.
No, I mean, do you have anything else to say to me from dinner? I enjoyed the chicken very much.
I was surprised at how good it was, actually.
Very funny, that's very funny.
Look, I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, but you know how I feel about what happened at dinner.
Larry, I'm waiting, I'm just waiting.
I'm still waiting.
Well I guess you'll have to continue to wait if it's a thank you that you're waiting for.
Because a thank you is just a little more than you can handle.
No, it's not more than I can handle.
If you had paid for the meal, I would've thanked you as I told you.
Okay.
Extraordinary.
It's extraordinary.
It's a shame.
So am I to assume that you do not want the dog? Is this what you're saying to me? If you want to thank me for dinner, I will look at your dog.
I thank people when they deserve to be thanked.
In this particular instance, you do not deserve to be thanked.
Because a man and a woman are married Because you haven't worked a day since you got out of college.
- You've never held a job - Hey, look it's a dog.
Doggie! Oh, he's so cute.
Leave the doggie alone.
He's not our dog.
- His name's Oscar.
- That's Larry's dog.
I wanted to give this dog to you, but your mommy doesn't want it.
Don't be silly, you weren't gonna give him to me.
- It's your dog, Larry.
- You promised! At some point we're gonna get a dog.
Daddy and I were talking - Oh, he's such a good dog.
but not this dog.
We'll look for a dog someplace else.
Why look for one when there's one right here? Yeah.
Please? - Please? - Oscar? Okay, okay, all right.
- Here you go, boys.
- Cool.
Hey, hey what do you say? - Thank you! - You're welcome.
He sleeps on my bed.
Enjoy.
Oh, shit.
You sick fuck, Larry David! What the fuck do you think you're doing getting my kid drunk?! Drunk? What are you talking about? She's slurring her words, she's bumping into things, she stinks like a fuckin' wino! Oh, I poured some of your I had poured some wine.
Oh, she must have accidentally a seven-year-old kid drank some wine? It was the glasses got Do I look like a fucking idiot, that I'm gonna believe you? You got her drunk and stole the fucking dog, all right?! No, she told me I could have the dog.
She told you you could take the dog after you got her all fucked up on alcohol.
All liquored up.
I thought she had a speech impediment.
You've known the kid since she was born, and she suddenly develops a speech impediment? That's what was so puzzling to me.
Oh, listen, you four-eyed fuck, you stole the dog! She's at home hysterical that her dog is gone! I don't know what you did to him.
Maybe you brought him for some animal testing or something, you sicko fucko asshole.
Get me the fucking dog! First of all I just want to thank you for dinner the other night.
I don't know what got into me.
I was so wrong about that.
You're married, you're a couple.
of course you get thanked.
It's a 50/50 thing.
So what if he works and you don't? That has nothing to do with it.
You're a housewife, you raise the kids.
You've got kids, that's a full time job.
You deserve a thank you.
And I was dead wrong.
And I'm sorry.
Thank you.
I that's great.
That wasn't easy to do and I really do appreciate it.
You know what? Once I realized the situation and how wrong I was, it was easy to do.
I'm very I am impressed.
And listen when you're wrong, you're wrong, you know? I didn't expect it.
I just didn't, but thank you.
Good, good.
Whew! How's the dog working out? The dog is actually great.
- Really? - Yeah, the kids are loving him.
They're loving him, he's sweet as can be.
Well-trained just like you said.
He's terrific.
I'll tell you why I'm asking, because something's come up and ahem the owner of the dog actually wants the dog back.
I just left her, and her kid's pretty broken up about it.
What do you mean, what do you mean? Well, it's a long story, but when her daughter told me I could have the dog, she was quite drunk at the time, unbeknownst to me.
- Drunk? How old is this girl? - Seven.
Anyway when she said I could have the dog she wasn't in her didn't have all of her senses.
All right, okay, okay.
So now I understand.
So that's why you're here.
- No, I came to thank you for dinner.
- Oh my God, I just knew it.
And as long as I'm here, I'll take the dog.
As long as you happen to be here, you'll take the dog back? - What are you, sick? - I'm only asking.
I really need it.
I mean, she wants the dog back.
It's her dog, it is her dog.
It's not her dog anymore, Larry, because you brought it here.
You've had it for a half hour so you think it's your dog? You know what? It's not going to happen.
Oskie! Just get leave, leave right now.
- Leave or I am calling the police.
- I really need the dog.
- I'm sorry.
- You're not giving me the dog? No, I am not.
I'm not giving you my dog.
You're really gonna disappoint a little girl.
Well, Larry, go back and tell her to have another drink.
Because she's not getting her dog back, okay? I take back my thank you, by the way.
The one that you never actually gave me anyway.
Okay, bye, Larry.
Bye bye, now.
Bye bye, now! You can leave now.
You can do it right now because I will be calling the police.
Go, bye bye.
I have to go walk my dog.
Then I'm gonna have him do a little fetching for me.
We might hop into the pool.
Bye, Larry.
Bye no, keep going.
Keep going, leave! - Oscar, Oscar! - Good boy! Good boy! Oscar! You! Oscar! Oscar, you come back right! Larry, you piece of shit! Thank you, thank you very much! What's going on? Why'd you bring the dog back?