DAVE (2020) s03e07 Episode Script

1
♪
I want to know ♪
I want to know ♪
Yeah, and he would be resp
have to speak at your funeral
or something like that.
I would've been
perfectly fine with that.
- (KIMMEL LAUGHS)
- Except the death thing, you know.
KIMMEL: Yeah, except for the death.
Yeah, that would be no good.
- Yeah.
- ♪
I gotta be ♪
Everything ♪
That I could be ♪
I gotta do this thing ♪
Honestly ♪
Why can't I do it all? ♪
Honestly ♪
I bet I shock 'em when I drop ♪
I know they probably
think I'm washed ♪
I'm kettle cookin' with the chip ♪
It's on my shoulders till we win ♪
I'm getting older by the minute ♪
I've really had it up to here ♪
They always looking
like they're winging it ♪
I've been planning every meal ♪
Got me sippin' on this beer, ooh ♪
And I don't even fuck with beer ♪
No, I need some
water and ideas, yeah ♪
I gotta start to make it clear, uh ♪
I'm kind of peeping all the fallacy ♪
I'm powered by the
people doubting me ♪
I had to eat it like
a ton of calories ♪
And the analogy is
that I'm blowing up ♪
But I've been carrying this weight ♪
Fuck my old shit, all of it sucked ♪
Piss on them records,
I shit on them records ♪
I thank everybody who
saw the potential in me ♪
But I still had to
get it inevitably ♪
If I could, I would
sit down and conversate ♪
With every hater
and try to debate 'em ♪
I know it's subjective,
but it's my objective ♪
To do it so well that it's not. ♪
- (MUSIC STOPS)
- That was the one.
- Man.
- That was a good take.
I ain't gonna lie, you in your bag, LD.
This has been, what,
the most productive month
of my life? I own a home.
- (GATA WHOOPS)
- What more can I ask for?
You speaking your truth into existence.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, Chuck. Really speaking
your truth into existence.
Especially when you're lying to
everyone on national television.
- DAVE: What are you referring to?
- Jimmy Kimmel?
I didn't lie on Jimmy
Kimmel, you can go replay
all that footage, I didn't lie once.
He just twisted facts.
I didn't twist any facts.
- I didn't.
- Chuck, you sound like Trump.
I omitted, like, some
details, but he didn't ask
the questions that would've
- (LAUGHING)
- I really did, like,
learn a lot about life
from that whole experience.
And I have a whole new lens
that I see the world through.
From here on out, honesty.
On that note, earlier today,
I did tell you that a boner
was called a boner because
a man has a bone that, like,
comes out of his pelvis
when he's excited. It's not true.
Dick isn't made of bones. It's, like,
- all meat.
- Oh. Okay.
All right, I need you guys to leave.
I'm getting ready for Robyn.
Chuck, how long is she gonna stay here?
I don't know, two weeks.
- Two weeks?!
- Yeah.
Are you insane?
Two weeks, it's like a honeymoon length.
I couldn't be more excited, honestly.
What if she's not even
what you remember her to be?
You barely know this girl.
Man, that shit happened to
me one time, I was fucking
with this Arabian bitch, man.
I thought she was gonna be cool.
But she gonna text me the
next day talking about alimony.
How you get pregnant in one day?
Gata, I have no idea what you're
talking about, but this is not that.
I, like, know this girl.
I talk to her, we text.
If you heard the voice mail
she left when she thought
I was dead, you would understand.
So you talk to her
about everything, right?
She know about the death
scam and all that, huh?
Never call it the death scam.
Right? Let's refer to the death
thing as a totally different thing
that never even is vocalized.
And, uh, no, I have not,
but, like, I will. I just,
like, don't want to start off
with that conversation, but
I'm getting to a fresh
new start too, man.
You ain't gonna believe this, nigga.
I ain't had sex in, like, two weeks.
You know? I even started
beating my shit again.
Beating your shit?
What, like jerking off?
GATA: Yeah, jacking off, dawg.
- What?
- You weren't jerking off before?
I ain't jerked off since,
like, 12th grade or some shit.
- 12th grade? You haven't jerked off in, like
- That's insane.
- 20 years?
- It's way too many hoes out here
for a nigga to just be
jacking off like that, bro.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, please
be careful about the roses
on the way out. They're perfectly
Chuck. Chuck, this is crazy.
You're gonna freak this girl out.
Unless you want her to
be your actual girlfriend,
- and then I think it's gonna freak you out.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
Chuck, it's finally the point
in your life where you, like, ju
What are you doing? You
could just be like
- Hello?
- MAN: It's Amazon. Dropping off a package.
Okay, coming right up.
- (STAMMERS)
- One more time.
- Is it open?
- (LOCK BUZZES)
Thank you.
Satin sheets.
I'm gonna have to cancel
the beach thing tomorrow.
No, no, no, Chuck, you can't cancel it.
The beach is, like, overrated
and one-dimensionally textured
anyways. Like, I have to
Bro, you gotta come to the beach, dawg.
You out of pocket,
you doing way too much.
- All these roses and shit?
- Guys, I will see you later.
- Okay?
- What, you're just canceling plans on us?
I can't neglect her on the first day.
Nigga switched up, all over a bitch.
(GATE OPENS, CLOSES)
♪
(SIGHING)
♪
No, I left his food in
the sink to thaw out.
And then you just give him a cup.
Yeah. Thank you so much.
(BEEPS, RINGS)
DAVE: Hello?
Hi.
- I'm buzzing you in.
- (LOCK BUZZES)
Holy shit.
This is Ugh.
Hi.
Hey, girl.
- Come in.
- Hey.
Your house is sick.
Can you believe you only have
to put 20% of the money down?
- Yeah, a mortgage.
- Yeah.
I had no idea. It's like, you
only need to be so wealthy.
- That is exciting, actually. Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Well, welcome.
- Thanks.
Benjamin Moore, "the
professional's choice."
- On the paint.
- Oh, my God.
- Wow, we're, uh, we're here.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Look at us.
Here we are. In person.
- Uh
- I'm so happy you're here.
- Hi. Hi.
- I really am so happy you're here.
- Hello.
- Yeah.
- (LAUGHS)
- I thought we were kissing.
Yeah, I-I you're alive.
I thought you were dead, so this is
Um, let's fucking unwind or something.
- Let's-let's celebrate. Okay.
- Let's celebrate.
- Should we drink?
- Drink?
Is that such a is that
weird to just throw out
- right-right away?
- Uh
Wine? Is that?
Wine? Uh, don't often carry wine,
- but I might have something over here.
- Okay.
- Uh
- Wow.
I think there's some wine over here.
Honestly, you can just
take whatever you want.
Need a pair of nice new headphones?
I that's What are these here for?
Oh, these brands, they
just send me all this shit
'cause my birthday's
this week, so it's like
- That's what's going on.
- It's your birthday this week?
It is, yeah.
Why wouldn't you tell me that? Fuck.
I don't even like
attention on my birthday.
- I hate it.
- Okay.
I hate everyone, like, looking at you,
expecting you to be,
like, this unreasonable
level of happy, it's just
- It's your birthday this
- Well, doesn't matter.
How can I get you this
wine? There is a store.
- Okay.
- We can go there.
- (CHUCKLES)
- I'm more of like a weed smoker.
- Do you smoke?
- (STAMMERS) No, I don't
- I'll Okay.
- I'm gonna get weed for myself.
You have the wine. We'll escape
our bodies at the same time.
And it's gonna be pretty incredible.
- Okay.
- (FOOTSTEPS RETREATING)
(WHISPERS): What the fuck?
MIKE: So, publicity-wise,
in the past month, I
think we've got a lot done.
So I think we're being very productive.
So it's working, for sure.
Yeah, yeah, Kimmel went well.
So, I'm assuming he trusts me more now.
He did say he felt managed.
Well, that sounds like
a management issue.
Yeah. Look, Dave is really
starting to trust you.
- Great.
- But he wants to live his honest truth.
Mm. Honest well, that's
after he faked his own death?
- Well, we did talk about that.
- (SCOFFS)
You know, th-the rats on the bus,
- that was actually a real thing.
- Please. Please, please, please.
Come on. I'm a publicist.
I know an attention grab
when I see one. I
make them for a living.
We just, we just want
to get away from that
- Mm.
- That thing, you know?
It's a yech story.
It's a yucky story.
- Right.
- And Dave's very sensitive about it.
You know I love Dave. Right?
- Yeah.
- And I love a challenge.
I love you guys. That's
why I took you on.
But your client is a child.
I mean, last time he was here
he was playing with putty.
That's for his ADD. That's
actually not Silly Putty.
- That's prescribed.
- Okay, but it stuck his pocket closed.
And he couldn't open it.
- Yeah.
- Just, we have to be able
to control him and,
you know, not let him
I can't control Dave, Ava.
I can't control anything
in my life. Y He's
I (INHALES SHARPLY)
But you have me now, Mike. Okay?
We're gonna do this together.
Great.
Great.
I think I'd like to get
coffee with you sometime,
outside of or, I mean,
we would do business,
but I mean, outside of this
office 'cause I don't
- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Oh, you know what? I have another meeting.
Sorry. Our conversation
was great, though.
- Awesome. Loved it.
- It was very productive.
- And I will
- Let me get out of here.
- be in touch. Okay.
- Thank you.
I'm actually free tonight.
For coffee?
So why don't you come
on by and annihilate me?
What?
Not actually, obviously.
But I'm just into
role-playing and blurring lines
between consensual and non-consensual.
So, um
if that interests you at all,
here is my address.
(SLAPS PAPER ON DESK)
11:00 p. m.
Yeah, be easy to get in.
Okay.
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Yeah, put him through.
Can't believe yo.
It's your own personal
holiday. I love holidays.
I just feel like every
year that gets higher,
the number is more and more alarming,
and all I do is think
about, like, my place
in the world, and,
like, my-my standing.
No, man, you got to stay
in the present, dawg.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah.
- I like the present right now, dawg.
Yeah. On my 21st birthday,
we were doing karaoke,
and I was just, like, ripping
"All Star" by Smash Mouth,
(VOICE FADING): and I
whipped my hair into a candle.
And then, my friends were
like, "You're-you're on fire,"
and I was like, "You're
goddamn right I'm on fire."
And I I just was, on fire.
And then I ended up in the ER.
I, uh
What are we talking about, again?
- My birthday.
- Ah!
Did you just get so high?
Yeah, my train of thought
just choo-choo'd bye-bye.
- Yeah.
- (BOTH GIGGLE)
Should I just take advantage
of this vulnerability right now?
- And just rip some questions?
- Yeah.
All right, if you need to grill
me, I'm ready to be grilled.
- Favorite color?
- Sunset orange.
Favorite time of day?
4:57, 'cause of the
sunset orange, probably.
Yeah, favorite, uh, animal?
- Elephant.
- Elephant?
Yeah.
I knew I liked you.
That's my favorite animal.
I, uh
♪
I'm sorry. What are
we talking about again?
Elephants.
Should we
You're so high. I keep forgetting.
- Yeah.
- You, like, go in You wear it well.
Should we keep going? For the wine?
- Yeah.
- What am I doing?
(COUGHS)
- Are you Should we
- (COUGHING RHYTHMICALLY)
(CLUCKING)
That was
Oh, my God, please don't
come at me like that.
- I need to sit down.
- Okay.
I need to sit down. I'm sorry.
- In the street.
- What the fuck?
Fully strobe-lighting.
Lin-Manuel Manuel lives down here
- (DOG BARKING)
- (SCREAMS) What the fuck?!
OWNER: Hey, Sawyer! Sorry.
He doesn't usually bark at people.
He The dog knew.
- Why?
- The dog knew what?
- I'm sorry.
- (CHUCKLES) Don't be. It's okay.
(DAVE EXHALES WEAKLY)
- Okay?
- (SIGHS)
- (GROANING)
- Oh, let me get your shoes.
- These are cool.
- Thank you.
You're welcome, Dave.
I-I wrote you a song.
- What?
- (PHONE BEEPS)
I met a girl ♪
Thank God ♪
I met a girl ♪
Oh, my ♪
She makes me feel alive ♪
She makes me need a life ♪
I met a girl ♪
Thank God. ♪
I love it.
I haven't done the verses yet. I will.
The hook is fire.
- (LAUGHS SOFTLY)
- Don't you think?
- It is fire.
- (GROANS) I just need to reboot.
I'll be out.
(SIGHS)
♪
(GRUNTS)
It's like an actual dictionary.
(CHAIR WHIRRING)
- (DRINK SPLASHES)
- (MUTTERS)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
ALLY: Hi. I was just in the area
and I'm-I'm returning
Dave's tennis racket.
- Is he home?
- (LOCK BUZZES)
I think it should be open.
(GATE CLOSES)
- Hi. Hi.
- Hi.
- Robyn?
- Yes.
- Ally? I've heard so much about you.
- Yes. Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I hope this isn't, uh, weird, or
Oh, my God, no.
- Sorry, I'm so thirsty.
- Yeah
And is he Where is he?
Uh, he, uh, got higher than
I've seen any human get,
and he passed out.
Wait, he's he's, like, out?
Yes.
- Very out.
- Okay, that's amazing.
- Oh.
- I was very stressed
about how I was gonna do this.
Okay, so we have a major
situation on our hands.
You know how it's his
birthday on Thursday?
I am now aware of that, yeah.
Okay, we are throwing him
a surprise party tomorrow.
And it's unmovable.
His parents flew in and
Benny is getting this
cheesesteak chef from Philadelphia,
and originally Benny was
supposed to get him there.
But that's before we knew
that you would be here.
So we're kind of wondering if
you can bring him to the party.
Y-Y Uh, yeah.
- Of course. Yeah. Totally.
- Thank you.
- I know it's, like, a lot
- Um, what are the
like, what-what are the
details? How should I?
It's, um, 6:00 at an
Airbnb at the beach.
We were just, like,
talking about this today.
He was saying he doesn't really
like attention on his birthday.
(CHUCKLES) He, like, loves attention.
- He loves attention. On all of the days.
- Okay.
- Every single one.
- Yeah.
- Here, give me your phone.
- Yeah.
I am gonna put myself in
here as, um, Mike Triangle.
I will just send you, like,
the specifics of the location,
and if you have any issues, you can
Okay. Yeah. Uh, you said his
parents are gonna be there?
Oh, my God, you're
gonna love Don and Carol.
- It's gonna be great.
- Uh, um
- Great.
- But I'll see you tomorrow.
- Tomorrow, and we Yeah.
- I'm gonna get out
while the getting is good. And, um,
- good luck. You've got this.
- Okay.
Thanks. Uh, I'll see you tomorrow.
- (SIGHS)
- (DOOR CLOSES)
(STEADY BEEPING)
(ALARM BLARING)
Ow.
- Oh, my God.
- What's happening?
I'm sorry! I This is
- Yeah, okay.
- (ALARM STOPS)
- Great.
- Fuck!
- (EXHALES)
- Hey.
You wanna go to the wine store?
Are you okay?
- I'm still high.
- Yeah, that's
- That is clear.
- Are you having fun?
Yeah.
AVA: I don't know. I
don't get these people.
I mean, every time Jon Hamm's
dick-print bulges in his pants
when he's walking around
Brooklyn, it's not a story.
He wears khakis, he walks around a lot.
- I know.
- (CHAIR SCRAPES)
(MOUTHING)
I'm sorry. Can I call you back?
Hello?
Hello
Hello. Hey, it's Mike Spera.
Are you ready?
Ready for what?
Are you ready to be scrutinized?
- (SCREAMS) Get the fuck out of my house!
- No, no, no, no!
No, no, we talked about
You told me to come here!
Remember? You told me your
safe word. And it was memorable,
- but I don't remember what it was.
- Bro.
Come on, man. (SCOFFS)
(PANTING) Oh, yeah.
I will come on.
- I'm gonna come on strong.
- Bro
I'm gonna come on myself
when I nut on myself.
(QUIETLY): Tell me to
suck the pepper spray.
- What?
- Tell tell me
- to suck the pepper spray.
- (GROWLS) I'm gonna make you
- suck the pepper spray!
- Just, like, take it
- the fuck out of my hand, and
- No, what do you mean? I
- Be a man. Just
- Don't tell me to be a man. I am being a man.
- I'm just
- Jesus Christ! Will you just go with this?
I don't want to go with it!
I don't want to go with it.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Okay?
Ava, I don't want to do this.
I've never done this before.
I don't know what to do.
I think you're smart
and you're beautiful.
I just want to, like, do
something normal with you.
- Like-like eat a meal
- Mike, I like you, too.
Obviously. That's why
I invited you over here.
- (SIGHS)
- I am in control all the fucking time.
Okay? So, I just, like,
want something different,
if you know what I mean.
Like, I guess it's my kink.
I just thought maybe you
might have wanted a little
control in your life.
I understand.
I didn't get it before,
but trust me, I get it.
I've had some weird
kinks over the years.
I used to be in love with
women with lopsided breasts.
I was obsessed.
Look, I
I'm not gonna do what you want me to do.
- Okay.
- Because
as interesting as it sounds
for you to get what you want,
you're not getting any of it. Hmm.
At all.
You like the way I rub you?
- Do you like that?
- Mm. I Yeah, I do.
I don't care if you do or you don't.
- You understand?
- Yeah.
Don't. I hope you don't understand.
Did you order a brick?
Wait, a brick? What do you mean?
A brick cock.
'Cause I'm about to lay some brick.
- You wanna come?
- Yes, please.
Too bad. Not on my watch.
(PEPPER SPRAY CLATTERS ON FLOOR)
(GASPS)
ROBYN: Mom, he's very enduring.
I mean, you have to be to
pull off getting so high
that I just had to put him into bed.
And then when he was asleep,
his ex-girlfriend came,
'cause their his whole
friend group is throwing him
this surprise party and
No. Mom, I don't know who's prettier.
It's, like, crazy. I
We're both equal
- Hi. I gotta go.
- Hi.
Okay. Love you. Bye.
- Oh, boy.
- Hi.
What have I done?
- Good morning. He is risen.
- Good morning.
I rose. I fucked it all up.
- No, you didn't.
- Wow.
Did you get good rest?
I mean that was
I'm borderline H, still.
- Okay.
- But
I want to make it up to you.
And I've taken steps
towards making it up to you
by creating the perfect romantic plan.
- Okay.
- For us. Today.
Today? The whole day?
The whole day, bucko. So strap in.
Um well, I-I made
plans for us today, too.
- Dueling plans?
- Yeah.
Okay. Tit for tat.
What's yours?
- What's yours?
- No, you first.
- Okay. Let me paint a picture.
- Okay.
I want you to imagine that outside,
even though we're in Los Angeles,
there are six to nine inches of snow.
How? Because I've created
an entire winter wonderland
right here in my back area.
Hot chocolate, toboggins,
uh, there's like all
types of accoutrement
that fits the winter wonderland theme,
because I remember
that you love snow days.
- Snow days.
- Yeah.
- So, we
- That's
What's your plan?
The beach.
- Just the beach? Oh.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Why does everyone Everyone loves the beach.
- We can
- I don't
- We could just go, relax,
and chill on the beach, and we could
just, you know, get comfortable.
- Sit around.
- And go for a swim and get tan.
It's so cold in there. I
can't tan. I'm on Accutane.
- But
- I rented bikes.
So we can get exercise.
Do you not like?
Bikes are
Feels like you
If I seem forlorn, it's 'cause I
just don't know how to ride a bike.
- You can't ride a bike?
- I struggle riding a bike.
And it was a big thing of my childhood,
all my friends could ride the bike,
I couldn't do it. It
really separated me from
my entire group of
friends and it's like
But life is about learning
new things, it's
Is it?
No snow day?
I-I would just really love
to get out of the house.
You know? The, like
- Oh, yeah.
- We should
- Yeah. What am I?
- Stretch my legs.
Yeah, so I didn't even think about that
you would never want to stay here,
because you've been here
for I didn't even
Let me, uh I can adapt.
I can adapt. I'll just
call the whole thing off.
- Okay.
- One sec. Hey, fellas, uh
(KNOCKING ON GLASS)
No, we don't need any more.
Ix-nay on the ow-snay.
- This is so thoughtful.
- It's okay.
I think I might be in the
window of cancellation.
I doubt it, though. They are here.
But it's not that costly.
- This is very sweet.
- You you're sweet.
Throwing me on that bike is sweet.
- We're gonna do this.
- Yeah.
(SIGHS)
♪
(MOUTHS)
(DISTANT WAVES CRASHING)
BENNY: You gotta put it
somewhere he can see it.
All right, yeah, just this way a little.
No, that way.
Just I'm gonna go I'm
gonna change it myself later.
Oh, honey, I would have
never done this at the beach.
It's dirty and overrated. It's
like trying to throw a party
in the wilderness, and it smells so bad!
Yeah, what do you expect?
Look. There's a fucking
- dead seal here. What am I supposed to do?
- (FLIES BUZZING)
CAROL: Well, it's the
beach. What did you expect?
Expect? I didn't expect there
to be a fucking dead seal.
I've never even seen a real seal.
What do we do? Do we,
like, change the time?
- Do we let the tide come in?
- Nah, man.
It's fine. All we gotta do is get
that dead-ass seal in the ocean.
Look, let's just go down there,
we pick it up the three
of us could get it out of here
- in like five minutes.
- Hell nah, bro. That shit look diseased, man
Can I, can I help? What's the task?
- It's down there.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Fuck no. Fuck.
- ALLY: I'm here!
What is the catastrophe? Oh, God.
(WHISTLING) Birds! Come on, eat the
Just eat the dead seal down there!
I gotta get my assistant
to deal with this.
She does shit like this all the time.
Oh, my God.
Y'all like the sea?
Uh, not No, not really.
(PHONE BUZZING)
Wow, you really weren't exaggerating.
No. I mean, yeah.
It's the starting and stopping
and turning that I'm
- Just commit to it.
- Commit?
I'm pretty committed right now.
What do I? There's a car!
Hey, there's a car, Robyn. What
do I do? I'm not leaving this
- to human error.
- Go to the sidewalk. Go to the sidewalk.
Ah!
(SIGHS)
I like the sidewalk.
You know, until now, I
would've thought you could
either ride a bike or not,
I've never actually seen
- this middle ground. It's pretty impressive.
- Well
- You're doing great.
- This is nice.
- Uh
- Really
- DAVE: Uh, sir!
- ROBYN: Okay.
- Ho
- ROBYN: Dave, just breathe.
- (BELL DINGING)
- Homeless man!
- Dave, just-just go around him.
- I can't turn. I can't turn.
- Just turn around him. Dave!
- Sir, I can't turn.
- Sir Ah!
- Dave!
- (YELLS) Fuck.
- Oh, my God.
- Are you Did you?
- DAVE: Ah, goddamn it!
- You okay?
- No.
- (GROANS) My knee.
- Ah, how's your knee?
- Not good.
- Okay, well
I'm, like, fully skinned, so
(EXHALES FORCEFULLY) Okay.
We tried.
I gave it my all. Today is not our day.
Let's go home.
- (PHONE BUZZING)
- This isn't working.
You know what is the most healing?
- (DAVE GROANS)
- The salt a-and
the sun.
I'm just gonna be
totally frank with you.
There is a zero percent
chance I'm going to the beach.
Okay, but we had planned
to go to the beach.
I don't know, plans,
like, change, like
Blockbuster had plans to not
have the streaming era exist.
Come on. Let's
Let's just, like, see
- Yeah, you can get up.
- (GROANS) No, it hurts.
So we can get these in, like, an Uber.
No. I'm-I'm hurt. I can't
put any weight on it.
But we had plans to go to the beach.
Robyn it's not happening.
- I'm trying to put on
- That's
- (PHONE BUZZING)
- That's what?
- I
- This is no indictment on you. I fell.
- I tried to ride a bike.
- No, it's just Come on.
- I'm skinned. I'm a skinned person.
- Yeah.
I came all the way from Wisconsin, Dave.
I want to go enjoy myself
and get some R&R on the beach.
I heard that there's
Let me tell you firsthand as a
guy who's from the East Coast,
who never went to the beach,
and now he lives on the beach,
it's so overrated.
Well, you should let me
experience that for myself.
- I
- A different day,
when I'm not, like, fully injured.
- This isn't Madden. You can't turn off injuries.
- You're not fully
- Let's I don't know
- (PHONE BUZZING)
what to do. Let's fuck on the beach.
- What?
- (WHISPERS): Let's fuck on the beach.
- Ah!
- Let's
I'm, like, so weirded out by that.
I don't know how to react to that.
- I'm not gonna
- You owe me outdoor sex.
I owe you outdoor sex? Are you serious?
- (STAMMERS)
- You really believe that?
Nah, I don't know.
Look, I'm not the guy
that's gonna, like,
get hurt for you like Rambo,
or fuck you on the beach
like a gladiator, okay?
That's not who I am. And maybe
we just don't know each other,
and we're forcing this whole thing.
Like, please, let's just go home.
I'm going home, personally.
I hope you come with
Fuck it. Dave, I'm trying to
get you to a surprise party!
- What?
- Yeah. Your friends,
they are texting me right now, all day,
and they I they told
me to get you to the beach,
- 'cause they're all there just waiting for you.
- Now?
- And I
- That's why you've been acting this way?
Yes! That's why I'm acting like this.
I don't even like the beach!
I hate the beach. And I hate lying.
I'm so bad at lying. This is so
stressful, I'm sweating so much.
I hate lying, too.
Yeah, I've
I faked my own death.
Well, I didn't fake my own death,
but I did pretend to be dead for longer,
because the views and the streams
were just going so fucking crazy.
I got your voice mail, I
wanted to call you back,
I didn't, and I haven't
really told anyone this, and
I'm a piece of shit, I guess.
And now you know that I am.
No. I
I faked my own personality
the past 24 hours.
So, that's just human nature.
I guess, you know? When you
just want something bad enough,
you just do it.
So, I
♪
Let's go to the surprise
party. No more lying.
Except for pretending to
know about the surprise
- situation.
- That's acting, that's acting.
I know exactly how to play this.
I still am injured,
but I'm gonna act not.
- Come on, let's go.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Do you need an Advil?
DAVE: I don't need anything except you.
I have your b
- I'm watching Okay.
- Watch this acting.
ALL: Surprise!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
DAVE: Mom, Dad, I didn't
know you were here! Hi!
You flew in. You got cheesesteaks.
You knew about this?
- I did. Yeah.
- (SIGHS)
- You did it!
- ROBYN: I did.
- You earned this.
- Thank you.
- Good work.
- DAVE: Hi.
ALLY: Great work. Did you not know?
- I had no idea.
- You really didn't know?
Thank you, Gata. Thank you, Gata.
Give it to me. Hey, brother.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Gata, do you really need this shot?
I'm just trying to show
them what this hard working
- gets you. We on the beachfront, man.
- Yeah. Oh
- (BEEPING)
- It's your alarm.
It says you gotta go to
bed soon so you can get
- your 11 and a half hours of sleep.
- Ah, okay.
- All right, keep working hard.
- Hey, Mike! How's it going?
Hey, Don. It's good. Really good.
(DISTANT CHATTER)
- Happy birthday.
- Thank you. I can't believe
that you guys flew out here for me.
- DON: Hey. We love you.
- CAROL: Are you kidding? Honey!
- DON: It's your birthday.
- DAVE: Oh, hold on, hold on, you know what?
I want to introduce
you guys to somebody.
- Yes.
- Come here.
- Oh. Hi.
- This is Robyn.
- Hi.
- Oh, this is the famous Robyn?
- Hi, it's so nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Oh, you are lovely.
- Dave, you have a little white
- Okay. What are you doing?
EMMA: Dave and Robyn are
actually kind of cute.
Yeah.
- You know what else is cute?
- What?
What the fuck?
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
- You missed!
- It's okay.
- Oh, fuck it.
Can I show you your present?
- You got me something?
- Oh, yeah.
- A photograph of an elephant.
- Not just any elephant.
He's yours.
What do you mean, he's mine?
Well, I found an organization
that rescues them,
and I adopted him in your name.
- In Africa.
- No, you didn't.
Yeah, so you we pay
for, like, his food,
and his little elephant medicine.
That's his name's Esoit.
- Do you like it?
- "You-so-it."
"You-so"
♪
Shit go down, shit go up ♪
Nother round up in my cup ♪
Slow it down, I'm in no rush ♪
I'm a child but I'm getting older ♪
I'm getting older ♪
And it's round and around we go ♪
Through the up and downs we scroll ♪
Growing up I was a peon ♪
Fantasizing what I'd be on ♪
Never thinking it would be gone ♪
How do we know if we're
doing this all wrong? ♪
I haven't seen my
home friends in so long ♪
Such is life ♪
Grays get plucked ♪
- My back is fucked ♪
- Fuck! ♪
And I gotta learn TikTok ♪
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick ♪
Used to play ball twice a week ♪
Now I can't really play that much ♪
Used to drink bottles to pregame ♪
Now I can't drink that much. ♪