Die Hart (2020) s03e07 Episode Script

1
[INDUSTRIAL STEAM HISSING]
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
[KEVIN MOANING]
FISHER: You know
in a movie
this would be the time where
I monologue a little bit
about Hammurabi and his code
about how he always struggled
to fill the shoes of his father,
Sin-Muballit,
the fifth Amorite king of
the old Babylonian Empire.
But
I won't do that.
Because monologues are bullshit.
Man! You had it all.
Fortune, fame,
a chain of affordable,
plant-based fast food restaurants.
Hah! While the rest of us,
the rest of us
had to work on our craft for decades
just to get paid acting work.
But you
you had to have everything, didn't you?
What? Do you want to say something?
Oh, okay. Let me help you.
[SOBBING]
- Help! Help! Help!
- Help! Help!
Help! Help!
- Help!
- Aah! Aah!
[LAUGHING]
[SIGHING]
You're pathetic.
You know
my foster dad
he was a forensics expert for 40 years.
What you did back there,
your portrayal
of his noble profession
was even more offensive
than your portrayal
of George Washington Carver.
- Oh, come on.
- Oh, I'll come on you!
- What?
- You call yourself an actor?
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
You just gonna kill us without
even hearing my side, huh?
What kind of law
enforcement officer are you?
Law? The law's got nothing
to do with it at this point.
[BADGE CLINKS]
No what you doing?!
Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait,
wait-wait-wait!
- Your ass is mine.
- Get the fuck off of me!
- Let's go!
- Get your hands off me.
Hey, hey! Hey, stop, stop.
- Hold on.
- You know, Kevin and I
- What?
- We could make our own movie
where you are the star.
We could put up the money.
Yeah. Hell yeah.
Yeah! Hey, hey, yes!
FBI agent. Big story, big moment.
- JORDAN: Yeah.
- Fuck scenes.
Fuck Fuck scenes. So many.
Yeah-yeah-yeah
I just want you to know,
I think Jordan and Kevin
are lying to you and
trying to trick you.
- What the fuck is that?
- Pearl, come on!
I would never do that, I would
never try to get inside your head.
In fact, I-I love Hammurabi
and his big, sexy code,
but I'm not even thinking
about Hammurabi right now.
No? No, the only thing on my mind
is you, Jeff Fisher.
- It's John.
- Fuck.
- Quit bullshitting me!
- Come on, man.
All of you! Let's get this over with.
- KEVIN: Wait
- FISHER: Flip it, turn around.
- KEVIN: I need a second.
- FISHER: Okay, one.
KEVIN: Wait, wait a minute.
Wait a fucking minute!
Shit! It's fucking fire.
Look, man, if this will
be my last breath on Earth,
then I want to say something real.
Oh, you're gonna you're
gonna monologue right now?
I just wanna say that you guys
you're the real actors.
I mean, you come on, man,
you spent over a decade
of your fucking life
dedicating it to this craft?
Jordan? You have acted circles around me
in every single scene that
we've ever done together.
And, Pearl
I don't I don't really
know shit about you.
I'm a pescatarian.
Okay.
I'm a comedian.
And an action star.
I know there's a lot of people
out there that think that I'm
at the top of my game, but
let me tell you something.
I'm not.
I've been paying a lot of
attention to my peers
because they've done
these dramatic roles.
I mean, some have even won awards.
And I told myself that my legacy would
be incomplete if I don't win an award.
And so what, right? So
people all over the world
can simply say, "He's great"?
Who gives a shit?
I don't need a shiny
object to define my legacy.
I come from nothing, man.
And when you kill me, that's
right back where I'll go.
To nothing.
I like to think that
during my time here,
that I did a good job of
making people laugh
you know, giving people an escape
from whatever it is that
they're going through in life.
Cause that's what good actors do.
Yeah.
I don't know if it's called
a legacy or otherwise,
but I'll tell you what,
I'm proud of myself.
I'm proud of the work that I did.
And this is how it ends then, okay.
So fucking be it.
It's been a hell of a run
with the ones I love.
I I'm sorry, I
I don't even know how it got to this.
I'm sorry, too.
I'm sorry that you
believed that monologue.
It's called acting, motherfucker.
Nice punch, Jordan.
- Nice monologue.
- What?! Jordan, okay,
you are my hero, and, Kevin,
your acting was fucking sick.
- Oh, my God.
- It was unreal.
- KEVIN: Knocked his ass out.
- Well, thank you so much.
Kevin, I know that wasn't acting.
Okay? I know that was you speaking
from the heart, not acting.
- So thank you, Kevin.
- Well yeah
Well, this has well room for me.
[SOFT CHATTER]
[SLOW CLAPPING]
Bravo.
- Well done.
- What the fuck?
- JORDAN: You're alive.
- Of course I'm alive.
No, I saw you.
I saw I saw you hanging
hanging over the Venetian Fauchard.
You were it was
in you, you were dead.
I was.
And I wasn't.
I'm I'm gonna need an
explainer for this one.
- Yeah, that would be great.
- I would also like to know.
As you may know,
before I became a director, I
was a pioneer of special effects.
My first invention for Sam Peckinpah
I called the blood tunnel.
[OPERA PLAYING]
I connected the blood tunnel to a
1978 Holatron-1XT remote receiver.
The same device I had used
in "Death Before Supper."
I simply wired that to the tip
of a spring-loaded
replica Venetian Fauchard.
As you may also know,
before I worked in special
effects, I was a prop master.
By the time you arrived for dinner,
everything was in place.
I wired my chest piece to a remote.
All I had to do was make my
death as convincing as possible.
How did the cops know?
I alerted the authorities
while I was heating the lasagna.
I knew it would take them
seven minutes to arrive,
and that was all the time I needed.
But you weren't fucking
breathing. You were dead. I saw it.
- PEPPER: Yes.
- KEVIN: Hoffman ass
PEPPER: During dinner, I
had ingested 600 milligrams
of an adenosine-bisoprolol cocktail.
It made my heartbeat so faint
that it could not be
detected by medical personnel.
- You got a time of death?
- Approximately 8:15.
PEPPER: Not that it mattered,
because the coroner was also an actor.
[SIRENS WAILING]
Well done, my dear.
Jillian fucking Jones.
She is good.
Mr. Pepper.
I thought you were really dead.
What the hell's going on?
Why didn't you let me in on it?
Had you known I faked my own death,
you would have altered your character,
and I needed to see you
as a true rogue agent.
I
- Jordan?
- I've waited my whole
You demonstrated a discipline,
a focus, tenacity
that I have not seen
since I cast Meryl Streep
in "The Ice Castle Has Two Doors."
- Listen, I cannot wait to
- Pearl.
Laurence Olivier once said to me,
"Acting is nothing more than
"herding cockroaches into
a pile of steaming shit.
"Unless
"the actor is selfless
enough to put his own life
ahead of the character."
And I I did that?
Hmm.
- Oh, shit.
- Kevin.
My God.
When your life was on the line
you dug deep,
you cried real fucking tears,
and you delivered what can
only be characterized
as an Oscar-caliber monologue.
- You really thought so?
- I did.
I fucking told y'all.
I fucking told you.
John, you came so close
to owning your role as a rogue agent,
but in the climactic moment, you
committed the unforgivable sin.
You broke character.
I was I was supposed
to actually murder them?
A real actor would kill for the part.
Um
But you, John
you
belong in beer commercials.
I I did commit.
I did, I got a Hammurabi's
Code tattooed on my back.
Good for you, son.
[SCREAMING]
[GUNSHOTS]
Shoot the girls next!
Shoot the girls next!
[GUN DRY-CLICKING]
Yes, they're blanks, John.
The FBI has been giving you blanks
your entire time with the Bureau.
I couldn't have you killing
someone while researching a role.
I'm not a monster.
Well, he did almost
nearly shove me in an incinerator, so
That's true. That was very, very close.
- You almost died.
- Mm.
Well, I have a car waiting.
Why don't we go discuss the film
we're all going to make together?
Hey, wait. Hold on.
Wait, wait a minute. Hold on, just
You had people thinking
I was a murderer, man.
Yeah, and that I was his accomplice.
You did let me get hit by a car.
- Uh-huh?
- Just putting the cherry on top of it,
you had this psychopath back here
take us to the goddamn murder
warehouse to do God knows what to us.
And now you just expect us to
leave with you and get in your car
so we can go talk about the thing
that's gonna bring us the acting trophy?
Then I guess this is goodbye.
[SOFT CHATTER]
Wait.
["PAINT THE TOWN RED"
BY DOJA CAT PLAYING]
Does it have to be goodbye?
Walk on by ♪
Walk on by ♪
- Walk on by ♪
- Yeah, bitch, I said what I said ♪
- I'd rather be famous instead ♪
- Oh, my God, what a night.
You guys, we fucking did it.
We actually fucking did it.
It actually feels a lot
better than I ever imagined.
- Right?
- Seriously.
it does. I didn't think
it could, but then it is
it's just as good, plus ten.
I definitely drank
way too much champagne.
I can't believe I propositioned
Viola Davis during the In Memoriam.
KEVIN: Yo, Jackson, hey.
Gonna toss that on your shelf
with all your other trophies?
Not this one, Kevin.
This one I will cherish.
TV HOST: And now on to last night's
- KEVIN: Oh, shit!
- star-studded event.
ALL: It's us!
TV HOST: It was a clean
sweep for Jackson Pepper's
psychological thriller
"The Forgotten Fugitive."
With Best Actor awards for Kevin Hart,
Jordan King, and
newcomer Pearl Mondolvia,
- each taking home
- Wow.
- We look so good.
- No, we do.
- You look fucking good.
- I definitely look the best.
TV HOST: Jackson Pepper.
Congratulations to our
favorite film of the year.
We'll be right back.
You may get cheated on
when you go out of town
on a boy's fishing trip. But
you know what won't cheat on you?
- PEARL: It's our guy!
- Guffey Light!
- You know what? He's not bad.
- My God.
When life gets rough, reach for a Guff.
- PEARL: incredible.
- Guffey Light, that is.
[LAUGHING] The only beer sponsored by
What's wrong with Jackson? Hey, Jackson.
You okay over there?
Yeah, yes, I'm just I'm
old. Excuse me.
Hm.
PEARL: He did do a
bunch of Jaeger shots.
I did it.
[SOFT MUSIC]
[CHUCKLING]
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
Well done, my dear.
I have another role for you.
You're going to love it.
A role?
Oh, no. Jackson, remember?
You promised, I help
you with all of this
And you back me in my directing career.
Of course, yes, and I will.
But you're such a wonderful actress.
You belong in front of the camera.
Huh, interesting.
Patience, kid.
One day I'll be gone, and
you can direct all the films you want.
Okay.
So when you're dead,
that's when I get to direct.
- Is that it?
- Mm-hmm.
I think I'm okay with that.
Aah!
[DRAMATIC SCORE]
[DISTORTED SCREAM]
It's hot in there, my friend.
- Real hot.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
KEVIN: Hey, Jackson. You okay in there?
["JACKSON PEPPER" VOICE]
Never better, Kevin.
[NORMAL VOICE, WHISPERING] Never better.
[DRAMATIC SCORE]
[DRAMATIC SCORE CONTINUES]
KEVIN: Hoffman ass