Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s03e07 Episode Script

Scene one.
A forest.
We pan down to reveal the dashing, handsome figure of lieutenant cantrell trotting through the woods.
Suddenly, he's confronted by a a mangy, disease-ridden confederate soldier.
This is Uriah lubbock.
No, that's wrong.
Lubbock.
That's a classic civil war name.
Yeah, but he's behind enemy lines.
He's not gonna stand out in the open and wait to get his head blown off.
See if this works.
Scene one.
A forest.
The camera pans down to reveal the dashing, handsome figure of lieutenant cantrell, a cavalry officer of the highest caliber.
As he approaches, the mangy, maimed, disease-ridden figure of Uriah lubbock limps out from behind a tree.
Cantrell draws up his horse and says What-ho.
Who goes there? Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
What-ho? Who goes there? Doog, this ain't hamlet.
This is modern lingo.
So what do you prefer? "Back off, dude"? Now, don't get touchy.
Vinnie, this is my idea.
Doog, look.
Everybody's got an idea.
The guy who blows the leaves off your driveway, he's got an idea.
You need someone with cinematic training to help you execute it.
Now, that's the whole point of this collaboration.
O.
K.
O.
K.
So what's the line? They stare at each other for a beat.
And then Um oh, I got it! Lubbock says Oh, my god.
It's my brother.
- I am not writing that down.
- Come on! It's the civil war.
It happened all the time.
Brother against brother.
You're turning this into a sappy melodrama.
Who will you cast, Joan Collins? Just stay with me on this.
Come on.
He stares at lubbock in disbelief.
Can you blame him? Uriah.
Who could have imagined it? Two boys who played side by side at their mother's knee.
Now we find ourselves mortal enemies.
Their eyes meet for a moment, uncertain how to react to this strange twist of fate.
And then War is hell.
Stay off that foot, Mrs.
Murphy.
Curly, wrap Mrs.
Murphy's foot.
Bay four's got some hearing loss.
Marvin Thompson.
I've put him on keflex.
You're on a roll this morning.
Bay three.
Abdominal pains.
This way, ray.
Mrs.
moran.
Hi.
I'm Dr.
howser.
Am I getting older, or are the doctors getting younger? You've been experiencing abdominal pains and headaches.
Your family physician diagnosed an ulcer, or possibly gastroenteritis, and prescribed antacid.
That was a week ago, and I still don't feel any better.
I was about to take my grandchildren to Disneyland today.
Sometimes an illness can fool the best of us.
We'll get you a thorough workup, then you'll be barreling down splash mountain.
Could it be an allergy? As a child We'd go into that at a later stage.
We've got machines that can discover things about you you don't know about yourself.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for the sultan of surgery, the doyen of diagnostics, Dr.
Douglas howser.
Hello, son.
Do you know how many patients I saw today? I beat my old record by five.
I mean, I was kicking some major medical butt.
I don't work up that many patients in a week.
But that's just you.
Excuse me? I'm just saying you prefer the old pedestrian method.
So how-are-the-kids and-everything approach.
Is that bad medicine? Dad, don't get defensive.
The patients love it.
But it's a little old-fashioned.
Old-fashioned? Think of it as a compliment, David.
He makes it sound like they pay me in chickens or quilts.
Mrs.
Carson gave you that ham.
It was Christmas.
Dad, it's o.
K.
We're both part of the same team.
We're like pilots.
There are top guns, and there are crop dusters.
We both serve important functions.
I might be a crop duster, but I learned my trade before you could tie your shoelaces.
And I learned to rely on this, not a lot of high-tech machines.
In my opinion, our profession could do with a few less top guns.
What did I say? Oh, it's hard to know where to start.
Hi, Ron.
She's getting worse, huh? Well, looking at the test results, my best guess is cholecystitis.
Well, look, let's hold off on any pain med till we're sure.
And schedule a gallbladder ultrasound.
Thanks.
Butcher.
I just made a few notes.
A few? You changed practically every word we wrote.
This is a collaboration.
We trade ideas, listen to each other's input.
Well, your input stinks.
Just say it.
You don't respect my talent.
No, that's not it.
You don't have talent.
I am very creative.
Doctors are incredibly creative.
Chekhov was a doctor.
Keats was a doctor.
Never heard of 'em.
Just my point.
You're an ignoramus.
I'm not taking that from you.
You're fired.
That's my screenplay.
I'm firing you.
Well, if you knew anything about the industry, writers don't fire anybody.
They're totally powerless.
Fine.
I'll take that back.
Fine.
This is so typical of you.
You think you know everything about everything.
I got news for you.
As a screenwriter, you make a great doctor.
Scene one.
A forest.
The camera pans down Pans up Yeah.
Pans up.
That's a lot better.
To find lieutenant cantrell trotting Trotting Don't shoot.
Don't shoot.
I surrender.
Lay down your arms.
I meant your weapon.
Think I'd be shivering in the bushes if I had a weapon? You're a long way from the front line, soldier.
What's your regiment? Don't know, sir.
something or other.
Basically, they're just a bunch of guys in gray who all play harmonica really badly.
I'm taking you to the field hospital in ridgeville.
You'll be held prisoner there.
How did you lose your leg? Oh, my god.
Well, I had it in Richmond.
Then we marched north.
I definitely had it then.
Damn it.
I should have joined the artillery.
Look what we got here A lousy rebel.
Hi.
How you doing? You scum.
Three cheers for honest Abe.
Before you hand me before, can I slip into something blue? What kind of soldier are you? A really bad one, sir.
Sir.
Excuse me.
I assume you're lieutenant cantrell, the new surgeon.
Yes, ma'am.
I'm Mrs.
billings, wife of the senior medical officer.
We're so short-handed here.
May I say, you're a vision.
Yes, sir.
Thank you.
Sorry.
I found him in the woods.
You're wounded.
Does it hurt? Well Only when I walk.
Perhaps you could just carry me to a bed.
Lieutenant cantrell? I'm nurse higginson.
Welcome to ridgeville, sir.
Thank you.
Please.
Help me.
Can't somebody help me? Doctor.
Doctor.
Doctor! What's the matter, soldier? I got the runs real bad.
You've contracted dysentery.
There's been an outbreak.
I'll get a nurse to give you some salts.
Nurse! Nurse! Try and get this down yourself.
I'll check on you as soon as I can.
Sir.
Sir.
I could use some of that.
My belly feels like lead.
Give this man those salts when you're done.
Stay right there.
Doctor, help me.
Easy, soldier.
Ever notice how sociable flies are, sir? Sir.
Sir.
Sir.
What's the matter, soldier? Sir, I have pains in my belly.
And my head aches.
I'll get a nurse to give you salts.
Lieutenant cantrell? Colonel billings, senior medical officer.
Pleased to meet you, sir.
I'm delighted you're with us.
Your report says you're quite a dynamo.
I've already seen nine patients.
I should cover the rest in half an hour unless I come across something I can't handle.
Who's this man? Another dysentery case.
I'd say half the men in camp have it.
What's your name, soldier? Dawson, sir.
Got a family, Dawson? Yes, sir.
Wife and four kids back in Massachusetts.
They're bringing in more wounded.
I'm well aware of that.
Massachusetts, you say? Which regiment? We just saw our first action at fort Wagner.
That's a long way from here.
We marched every inch on foot.
Wore clean through a pair of boots.
Are these yours? Yes, sir.
This man is developing gangrene.
Nurse! Yes? I need forceps, a scalpel, and a dressing.
Right away.
Lieutenant, due to your impatience, this man almost lost his foot, maybe even his life.
But I'm a good doctor.
No, you're not! Look what you did to me.
I'll file a report.
There'll be a court-martial.
He's guilty.
Just leave him alone with us a few minutes.
Yeah.
We'll teach him a lesson he won't soon forget.
Yeah! Colonel, please.
Do something.
Sorry, I have crops to dust.
Let's get him.
Colonel! Colonel! Help! Hi, Mrs.
moran.
Do you know me better than I know myself? I'm sorry? My tests.
Oh, those.
Why not tell me about yourself first? I have these stomach cramps No, I mean what's going on in your life.
Have you and your husband done anything special recently? Taken a trip or anything? No.
The last vacation we had was Hawaii about a year ago.
Then my mother died, and we had to deal with that.
That must've been a very stressful time.
She led a long life.
The hardest part was going through her things.
My mother was a pack rat.
Me, too.
I had a weakness for one thing This beautiful set of dishes my parents bought on their honeymoon in Portugal.
You mean that very colorful rustic pottery? That's it.
Mom would only bring it out at Thanksgiving, but now we eat on it every day.
What's the point of having beautiful things if you don't make the most of them? Now you're having abdominal pains? Oh, I'm sorry.
I got off the track.
No, Mrs.
moran.
I think you may be right on target.
Hi, dad.
Well, if it isn't baron Von howser Dropping by to refuel.
How was work? Oh, you know.
I saw a few patients.
Mr.
Fordham gave me a very sturdy mule.
Should see me through the spring.
How many patients did you see? Get into triple digits? I got hung up on one A very tricky case.
The symptoms mimicked a lot of things.
I employed an advanced scientific approach to make the diagnosis.
What was that? I sat on her bed and asked about her family.
She got around to telling me about these dishes from Portugal that they'd been using.
Lead poisoning.
The glaze hadn't been fired at a high enough temperature.
Does this mean you're regressing in your old age? Dad, I'm sorry about what I said.
You know, about the crop duster and stuff.
I was being a jerk.
Well You're just guilty of a little youthful arrogance.
I guess.
You know, hippocrates made a point of writing down his mistakes, never his successes.
If you're in the habit of acknowledging your errors and benefiting from them You're in good company.
Son, take it from an old pro You're a fine doctor.
Thanks, colonel.
Don't get mad.
I'm very calm.
What are you doing? Well I, uh, decided to take another look at your changes, and I'm kind of warming to them.
I thought I didn't have any talent.
No, no.
I definitely see promise.
I particularly like what you did with lubbock.
There's a guy who can work a room.
I wanted him as multifaceted as possible.
Yeah, well, I saw him in a whole new light.
In fact, I added a facet or two myself.
See what you think.
"Interior field tent.
Lubbock is lying in bed.
" Are you feeling better, corporal lubbock? Please Uriah.
Well, then you may call me constance.
What a beautiful name.
It's from the Latin meaning Firmness.
What a coincidence.
I'm Latin.
That's genuine cedar, you know.
Keeps away the moths.
In my experience, it don't pay to skimp on limb lumber.
You know, I have a terrible weakness For short men in uniform.
Well, I ain't gettin' any taller.
Whoa! Stop! She's sandpapering his leg? It's a very erotic image, don't you think? As far as I know, it's never been done before.
There's a reason for that, Vinnie.
It's too French? Would you just get out of here?