Doom Patrol (2019) s03e07 Episode Script
Bird Patrol
1
[CRACKLING]
[WIND BLOWING]
[HOLLY LAUGHING] Whoo!
[HOLLY SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
[LAUGHS]
[COUGHING]
[GAGGING]
[PANTING]
[GASPING]
Little Victor Stone. [EXHALES]
The last time I saw you,
you were about this tall.
Sitting in the corner
of Elinore's office,
playing quietly with your Superman doll.
- You probably don't remember me.
- That was a lifetime ago.
Yeah, I worked with your
mom at S.T.A.R. for years.
She was an incredible woman.
Why'd you leave?
Well, after 9/11, S.T.A.R. doubled
down on weapons programs.
- I wanted to heal people, not arm them.
- Hmm.
It's a shame how many of my clients were
disfigured by S.T.A.R.-developed
weapons.
So, what can I do for you, Vic?
I heard about synthetic skin,
and I wonder if that might
be an option for me.
Well, that's definitely not
what I expected you to say.
- But may I?
- Of course.
I have to admit
I was surprised when Silas chose
the Cyborg tech for you,
instead of coming to me.
I mean, you were just such a happy kid.
My God, Silas really is
a magician, isn't he?
I mean, an internal
battery-powered mechanokinetic
pulse cannon. I
What's the total output?
10,000 volts?
- 25.
- Whoa.
Yeah, I can liquify an armored
truck in under three seconds.
[CHUCKLES] Wow.
Well
Okay.
Unsurprisingly, the
physiological integration
of your tech is incredibly extensive.
To safely introduce
a SynthSkin exodermis,
your Cyborg tech would have
to be completely removed.
Even Grid?
Obviously, your artificial organs
and structural prosthetics
would have to stay,
but anything that requires more energy
than you get from a burrito? Gotta go.
What if I wanted to do it?
How soon could you
Good news there.
Your biotech interfaces are almost
entirely nanotechnological,
which makes extraction
largely a matter of code.
So, this could be an
overnight procedure.
But this isn't a decision
you should take lightly.
Have you talked with
your father about this?
[EXHALES]
My mom would want this for me.
That's the only thing I care about.
That's fair.
I just
[SIGHS]
We urge all of our clients to talk
this through with a loved one.
Believe me, this will be a lot easier
with someone by your side.
[JANE] My fucking records?
Which ones?
Uh, well, I sold them as
a lot. So, all of them?
- What the fuck is wrong with you?
- You don't understand.
They had a special edition
Chipmunk Master keychain
you could get for just 15,000 acorns
and I was almost there
when I lost it all on
a double-or-nothing
Nut Jump against Mr. Fox
even though Ginger told
me not to trust Mr. Fox!
Huh?
[CLIFF] What?
There's something
weird going on with you.
No, there isn't. There's something
weird going on with you.
After you get my fucking
records back, you're gonna
[CHOKING]
Jane?
Oh, fuck. I got this.
I took a Heimlich course in '87.
Had to bone the instructor to pass
but I remember the basics.
[CHOKING CONTINUES]
[CLIFF] What the fuck?
[GROANING]
[GASPS]
Oh, you got the prize!
[EXHALES]
[JANE] It's those Dada freaks.
[OBJECT SHATTERS]
- What the fuck?
- [GASPS]
[CLIFF] Holy shit on a shingle.
There is something weird going on.
[MADAME ROUGE] Of course
there's something going on,
you guileless golem.
They are coming for us.
We must rally to defend the castle.
Cliff, seal the doors, the windows
and the motherfucking fireplaces.
Why are you even still
here? We had a deal.
We did your little spy mission.
Now, why don't you get the fuck out
and take your dumb quirks
and your fucking stupid
magic tricks with you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we have bigger problems
You have bigger problems. Not us.
I assure you that this
is everyone's problem.
Look, Curly. When something
wants to get us,
it usually finds a way to get us.
- No use trying to stop it.
- [SCOFFS]
Now you, get your laptop.
We're getting my records back, you fuck.
- What's the big deal?
- [GROANS]
They weren't even worth that much.
[MADAME ROUGE] We've got
to seal these windows.
Now, your Cher workout tapes,
on the other hand [CHUCKLES]
My what?
- Um
- Oh, no, you didn't.
You sold my Cher workout tapes?
[SPUTTERING] Let me explain.
Um
- [CLIFF] What? No.
- [DOORBELL RINGING]
Wait, no, no, I'm still not Flit!
Shit, shit.
- Dad, what are you doing here?
- Uh
Hey, here I am. Surprise
extended Grandpa visit.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Hey.
- Did you get help with your
- Oh, the Parkie?
Yeah, that's all taken care of.
Got some pills. And let me tell you,
those babies work like gangbusters.
See?
Steady as a rock.
Good.
I I've been eyeing the Bureau
since my cousin Paige came on here.
He's he's a meta, too.
Worked in comms until the Big One.
Did you know him?
Anyway, Paige didn't
make it back fully intact.
So, I figured I'd wait for
the war to be good and over.
The war is never over.
So tell me, who are you?
Who am I? I'm, uh
I'm I'm Wally Sage,
ma'am. I just told you
What are you?
Ah, I see. A test.
Very sneaky, ma'am.
- Uh What am I, huh?
- [DOOR OPENS]
Um
Well, I guess, probably I
don't know what you'd call it.
Probably easier if I just show you.
Hmm.
Fascinating.
Can you apply this ability
to, say artillery?
Uh, sure, I guess. But
I came in to see about
the marketing position.
Well, you will be very useful.
Weapon.
Thank you.
Laura
he was just a boy.
Wars don't fight themselves.
Is that all you have to say?
You used to look out for kids like him.
Well, it's not the same carefree
world it was then, is it?
We must make difficult choices
in order to keep our country safe.
We're meeting at the Salon tonight
to workshop a new piece.
We'd all love to see you.
- "We all"?
- Yes.
Holly, Malcolm, everyone.
We miss you.
Don't you miss making art
and expressing yourself? You used
to say that it was your calling.
Well, I have a higher calling now.
Yeah, I recall you landing
here with a calling.
Something about a time machine.
But you gave up on all that when
you found safety in your little
coterie, didn't you?
Laura
it's your coterie, too.
I swear, if the Bureau could,
they'd make us forget that
we all had lives before
Yes, well, don't worry.
I'll never forget.
Now send in the next recruit,
would you, on your way out?
[OPENS DRAWER]
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
Mm, let me guess. She said no.
You surprised?
I'm a little worried about
her, if I'm being honest.
- Lately, she's just seems so
- Sour? Hmm.
- She's been sour for 15 years.
- It's her job.
That sort of work just has
to weigh on a person's soul.
- Yeah, if she still has one.
- Malcolm.
She saved all of our souls
once upon a time.
Maybe it's our turn to save hers.
Hmm.
Maybe you're right.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[LARRY GROANS]
Larry?
- [GROANS]
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- [MADAME ROUGE] Larry?
- [LARRY] God.
[MADAME ROUGE] It is
11:00 in the morning
and you're loafing about on the floor.
[MADAME ROUGE SCOFFS]
My expectations with you people truly
could not be any lower at this point.
But we are about to be confronted
by an inconceivably dangerous threat.
- [GASPS]
- And I need all the help I can get.
Uh, fine. Fine. Could you just
Can you give me a minute?
God.
Um what on earth is that?
[LARRY] It's just Well, it started
as a tumor, but then it, uh
- That came out of you?
- Yes.
- Out of your
- Out of my mouth, okay?
Yes. It's definitely alive.
[MADAME ROUGE] Wow. A
sentient tumor. Fascinating.
Have you recently been exposed
to any abnormal atmospheres?
[LARRY] My entire life is
an abnormal atmosphere.
Do you mean the Afterlife?
The Negative Nebula?
I went to Costco for the
first time a few weeks ago.
- Was that it?
- No, the second one.
This Nebula. I think that's
your answer right there.
I mean, you're probably dealing
with some kind of space parasite.
[LARRY] Really?
How can you be sure?
Well, what else could it be, you bampot?
[LARRY] Okay. Okay.
Well, what should I do?
Oh, well, let's use our brains here.
When one expels a living,
16-pound parasite from one's body,
there is really only one
reasonable response.
- Give it a name?
- Jesus Christ almighty, no.
No, burn Burn it. Burn it.
And meet me in the great room
when you've dealt with it.
Jesus Christ! You burn it.
You don't give it a fucking name.
[KAY CRYING]
What's wrong, Kay?
Driller Bill says you've
been crying all day.
Someone
Someone stole my bike.
It was right outside my door when
I went to bed and when I woke up,
it was gone.
Okay, well,
maybe somebody just
borrowed it. Did you ask
They stole it!
Stop treating me like I'm a stupid baby.
Okay.
Well, we'll just go up top
and get you a new bike.
And this time we'll actually pay for it.
No, I don't wanna go up.
I never wanna go up again.
[CONTINUES CRYING]
[RORY COOING]
I don't know if it's your ice-cold touch
or the hum of your nutrient tank,
but he is never as relaxed
as when he's with you.
That's my grandpa powers at work.
You remind me more and more
of Grandpa RJ, you know that?
[CLIFF GROANS]
You know what? You guys
deserve a real break.
Why don't I watch Rory so
you can go out? Date night.
Out? I don't even know
what that means anymore.
Thanks, but we're good.
You know, that sounds nice actually.
Are you serious?
Yeah. We'll just walk down to
Scooter Dog's, grab an ice cream bar.
We'll be gone 20 minutes. 30, tops.
You won't regret this. I'm gonna have
the whole place cleaned up and
- Here. Just in case, for emergencies.
- [CLIFF] Uh
Okay, cool.
[HOLLY HUMMING]
[MACHINE WHIRRING]
[GRUNTS]
[CONTINUES HUMMING]
[FOGHORN BELLOWING]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[EXHALES]
[LARRY] I guess that's that.
[EXHALES]
Next time you go to space, don't
forget to wear a spacesuit, Larry.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh.
[EXHALES]
Damn it.
Damn, damn, damn.
Hey. Hey, you all right in there?
I couldn't just leave you out here
without giving you a fighting chance.
I went back and made you a
I don't know what space parasites eat,
but I figure everybody likes a PB&J.
Here you go.
[SIGHS]
What the hell is wrong with me?
Here. It's supposed to
get pretty chilly tonight.
Hey, look, there's nothing
to be afraid of.
[RUSTLING NEARBY]
I don't think.
[GROANS]
[SIGHS]
Look, I don't know what you want,
but you're better off without
me. Just trust me on that.
[FOGHORN BELLOWING IN DISTANCE]
[LARRY] Huh.
That can't be good.
[BELLOWING CONTINUES]
[BIRD SCREECHING IN DISTANCE]
[RHYTHMIC BEEPING]
I S S
M E
"Miss"
"Miss me"?
How the hell did you find me?
[VIC] The super computer
in my head helped a little.
And what do you
and the super computer
in your head want?
I just wanted you to
know, you were right.
- [RONI] About what?
- About me.
Look, everything's always
been so laid out for me.
I didn't even know what was missing.
But I do now.
It's like, how can I help people
when there's this barrier between us?
When they can't even relate
to me as a human being?
You're rambling, Vic.
What you trying to do? Keep
me on the line long enough
for your S.T.A.R. buddies
to come scoop me up?
No, no, you won't have to
worry about that anymore.
What's going on, Vic?
[SIGHS] I think I might
have it taken out.
My tech.
- All of it.
- What?
Look, I just wanted you to know
because you were the one who
What are you talking about?
What
What happened to wanting to be a hero?
But my tech doesn't make me a hero.
Having an energy cannon
fused to my nervous system
That's not what I meant. We
have our preferred methods,
but at the end of the day,
we want the same thing.
Change.
Now, I'm blasting through
the back door demanding it
while you're walking into the lobby with
a big, dumb smile on your face,
talking about
[IN COMICAL VOICE] "Hi, I'm
Cyborg. Nice to meet ya".
[IN NORMAL VOICE] But sometimes
change comes from the inside.
- You taught me that.
- I'm not giving up the fight.
I'll just have to find another way.
You already have a way, Vic.
You can sign all the online
petitions that you want,
but when there is a guy with
an arm cannon at the table,
you're going to want to listen
to what he has to say.
Wait. How is that any
different than a cop
demanding obedience
down the barrel of a gun?
Because we don't want obedience.
All we want is justice.
I didn't ask for this, Roni.
[RONI] None of us asked for what we got.
Only thing that matters is
what we do once we got it.
But Cyborg isn't me.
I'm not happy like this.
Yeah, well, not all of us can afford
to prioritize our happiness.
The fact is, you're a more effective
agent of change as Cyborg
than you are as Vic.
So what do you want?
Change? Or do you want to happiness?
But you taught me to trust myself,
and that's exactly what I'm doing.
I thought you'd be happy for me.
[ELECTRIC STATIC]
Roni?
- You there?
- Vic.
I'm losing you.
It's not safe to talk anyway.
Just
Do what you gotta do.
And maybe I'll see you
on the other side.
- [DISHES CLATTERING]
- [RORY CRYING]
[CLIFF] All good. All good.
Everything's fine.
[MAN ON RADIO] We have multiple
reports of an unprecedented fog
spreading over the Eastern Seaboard.
In my 23 years on the weather map,
I've never seen anything like this
Nope! No negativity today!
This is what I'm talking about.
Grandpa and Rory just hanging out,
making memories that'll last a lifetime.
Grandpa is not thinking
about anything at all.
Not about Ginger, not about Chipmunks.
[SMOKE ALARM BEEPING]
- [RORY CRYING]
- Don't worry, buddy.
Nothing your old g-pa can't handle.
Oh, fuck!
Didn't think that through.
- [MEL] Hey.
- [CLARA] We're back.
[CLIFF] Oh, thank God I
mean, oh, hey, back so soon?
Cliff, the burner is on high.
Oh, uh, I would have caught that.
Well, you did catch
it. So it's all good.
It's fine. At least you didn't
burn the house down.
See that? We're building trust.
Yeah, I'm gonna put Rory down for a nap.
Hey, did you hear
about this weird fog thing rolling in?
Is that something we should
be concerned about?
Oh, that? Don't even worry about it.
Big Papa Cliff will
keep his family safe.
Good.
I don't want you running off already.
You just got here.
[CLIFF] Yeah.
[OBJECTS CLATTERING]
[JANE] I'm gonna destroy
whatever thieving fuck took it.
I'm talking murder.
Who took the fucking bike, Doc?
Whoever took it, I hope
they threw it in the well.
I'm gonna fuck you up.
They will have done us all a favor.
In case you haven't noticed,
Kay is staying put,
right where she belongs.
Because she's fucking depressed,
not because she wants to.
I hate to point the finger, Jane,
but you've opened this can of worms
by allowing her to go
up in the first place.
She was fine.
She was lucky. And if the
girl's going to be hurt,
it's better it be on our
terms than on theirs.
Don't you agree?
We were created for one thing,
it was to protect the girl.
If we can't even do that, then maybe
Who's protecting us, Jane?
[GASPS]
[MADAME ROUGE] Annihilation
is hot on my trail,
but God forbid any of them
should lift a finger to try and help me.
Why should I lure it away
from this temple of torpor?
Because I am a good person, that is why!
[VOICE WHISPERS] Tiptoe
harem, purple and low.
[GASPS SOFTLY]
Fuck!
[BICYCLE BELL RINGING]
[OMINOUS LAUGHTER]
Show yourselves!
[HODGES] Burning the midnight oil?
You know, if we had any sense,
we would be out celebrating.
I heard we set a new
recruitment record this week.
[LAURA] I set a recruitment record.
Twelfth week in a row, actually.
Not bad, De Mille.
If numbers were the only
thing that mattered,
you'd be running this joint by now.
Pace yourself, Willy.
Making enemies around here
won't advance you. Trust me.
Wait.
You don't think you have what it takes
to be a leader in this
organization, do you?
Listen to me, you little hyena.
I have been a loyal and industrious part
of the Bureau for 35 years and I
What about your little pals?
My little pals?
In the mailroom. The stretchy one,
the living cyclone, the invisible one.
All very powerful or so I hear.
And yet, every time
the reclassification window
comes around,
you decide to keep them
hidden in the basement.
Yes, well, they're not
We are in the midst of
a meta-human arms race.
And it seems to me that
you are more worried
about protecting your friends
than you are about protecting
what is actually at risk.
The moral core of our great nation.
I do my job well
and I do it with acute moral integrity.
And the meta-humans in question
are simply unsuited for war.
They're pacifists.
And what does that make you?
Those freaks are merely
an untapped resource.
And depending on who you ask
so are you.
My advice?
"Friend" is merely a nice
word for "opportunity".
And don't think for a second
that the big eye in the
sky isn't watching you.
[SCREAMS IN FRUSTRATION]
[SIGHS]
[EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[RITA] If we could have your attention.
Malcolm and I have been working
on something at home.
We're not sure where
we're going with it,
but perhaps it will help ignite
some creative juices, mm?
Oh, I see. You have his face
and he has yours because you're in love.
- Please kill me now.
- [SNICKERING]
[MALCOLM] Introducing
Skittish Apparition,
and The Shapeless Shape.
[RITA] Plastic!
[MALCOLM] Tundra!
[BOTH] Gullible pickling carousel!
[RITA LAUGHING]
[MALCOLM] Ah
[BOTH SCATTING]
What the hell was that, softshoe?
Ah! Well
The newest thing on Broadway.
Our thinking was that
a playful subversion
of cultural trends could
prove a fertile canvas
in which to examine human frivolity.
[MALCOLM] Mm-hmm.
[IN JAPANESE]
The Sisterhood of Dada.
[IN JAPANESE]
[IN JAPANESE]
[IN JAPANESE]
[IN JAPANESE]
year we vote against it.
[IN JAPANESE]
[IN JAPANESE]
the world a better place.
[LLOYD SCOFFS]
Since our inception,
there's been plague,
depression, Holocaust.
Just five years ago, a world away,
our bombs vaporized
entire populations where they stood.
And right here, in our backyard,
my own people have been
subjected to horrors
you can't even
I can't even, man. You know?
How are we doing?
We Making the world a better place.
We stood by and watched
the Bureau lurch from
oddities to normalcy,
guided by the very same
ideologies we claim to oppose.
We just kept our heads down.
For what?
A paycheck?
There's a word for
what we are. All of us.
Complicit.
Well, if that's not motivation
to make a big statement,
I don't know what is.
As Nietzsche once said,
"it takes chaos inside of us
to give birth to the dancing star".
Hmm?
The Eternal Flagellation
would certainly be a big
middle finger to the
Bureau, wouldn't it?
But what about Laura?
She'll never go along with
it, and we'll be forcing her
to choose between us and the Bureau.
[IN JAPANESE]
[FOGHORN BELLOWING IN DISTANCE]
[WIND BLOWING]
[SACHIKO IN JAPANESE]
[DR. CHALMERS] All right. You should
start to feel a little lightheaded.
That's normal.
Was that there before?
[INDISTINCT WHISPERING]
Hey.
So
I found out what happened to your bike.
Turns out somebody just wanted
to borrow it and they lost it.
It was all a big mistake.
Nothing to be upset about.
We both know that's bullshit.
[DOOR SLAMS]
Kay?
[CLIFF] You should have seen me, Ginger.
Big Papa Cliff was Mr. Momming
the shit out of that kid.
Well, Big Papa, you paid for 15 minutes.
You wanna talk about parenting,
or you wanna see my hoo-hah?
Well maybe just a little
Ow! Hey!
[DR. CHALMERS] Vic! Oh,
my God! Are you okay?
[CLIFF] Fuck me!
Oh, my God, Cliffie,
is it the meds again?
Do you want me to call somebody?
[CLIFF] No, don't call anybody.
It just needs to run its
course!
[FOGHORN BELLOWING]
[CLIFF] Um
What the fuck?
Whoa!
Where the fuck are we?
[CLIFF] Welcome to, apparently,
my drug-filled fantasy
sequence or some shit.
[SNICKERS]
[CLIFF AND VIC LAUGH]
Oh, my fucking God!
I'm actually here with you
metal-poisoned morons.
And I was in the middle of something.
Can't let any more in.
Can't let the fog in.
[LARRY] Hey, what's up with the foghorn?
How did you get inside?
What? I don't know. The front door.
Did you seal it?
- [LARRY] What? Why?
- [MADAME ROUGE] Why?
[LARRY] It's just a little
Fuck!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Laura, you came.
[MALCOLM] I'll be damned!
[SHELLY] Laura!
Guess what! We're doing it, Laura.
We're finally doing the
Eternal Flagellation!
Yes!
[ALL CHEERING AND LAUGHING]
Oh
[LARRY GRUNTS]
[LARRY] Um, can somebody please
tell me what the hell is going on?
I know this place.
[CLIFF] Is this Dada? Are we doing Dada?
- [RITA] Laura
- [MALCOLM] I'll be damned.
How do I know this place?
[LAURA ECHOING] They're pacifists.
[HOLLY ECHOING] We're finally
doing the Eternal Flagellation.
I wanted you all to know
how proud I am of you.
No matter how tough things
got, you stuck by each other.
No matter how far I
drifted away from you,
you kept me tethered.
I'll never forget that.
Don't apologize. Dance.
[CLIFF] This is really dumb but
we actually look pretty cool.
[LARRY] Is this what you
were so scared of, De Mille?
I've been to scarier dance
parties at church lock-ins.
[JANE] God, that sounds scary as fuck.
No, no.
No.
[FOOTSTEPS THUDDING]
[GASPS]
No! No, there's no need for
force. They won't fight back.
[GRUNTING]
They won't fight back.
They're pacifists.
Please
Please!
How'd you do this?
Put them on their knees.
[LARRY] Ow!
What the God.
[HODGES] Well done, De Mille.
I've been looking forward
to this for years.
I'd like to personally welcome you
to the Bureau's Meta Weapons Division.
Finally promoted out of the mail room.
You should be proud.
Go to hell.
We will never fight for you.
You're up, De Mille.
Weapon.
[BREATH SHUDDERS]
Weapon.
[JANE] Wait a fucking minute.
Is this about you?
Weapon.
Is this like a flashback?
Weapon.
How could you do this to us?
We were a family.
Your
Your country needs you.
So on your knees, Bendy.
On your knees, Bendy.
[STUN GUN CRACKLES]
On your knees!
[MALCOLM] Laura, stop this.
[CRACKLING]
[RITA] Malcolm!
[MALCOLM] Laura!
[MALCOLM GROANS]
[CRYING]
[GROANS]
[LARRY] Rita?
She's ready.
[CLIFF] What the fuck!
What's going on now?
[LARRY] Uh, I think
we're about to find out.
[EGG CRACKING]
[GROWLING]
What the hell is that?
[RITA] Laura, you remember Malcolm?
[GASPS]
You killed him. Now
you must set him free.
I didn't kill anyone.
Everything I did, I had a
damn good reason to do.
You told me the Sisterhood
of Dada was evil.
- But the evil one was you.
- No!
No, I am not evil.
It's true, Laura. You did this
and we suffered for 70 years.
Did unspeakable things
in service of a cause
we abhorred because of you.
You are wrong.
The whole world was crumbling around us,
and all I cared about was you.
But I made an oath
to the Bureau and I
[SHRIEKING]
We are offering you a
chance to atone. Take it!
I atoned that day
by making useful agents of you.
[SCREAMING IN CAGE]
Malcolm!
Bendy, wait! It has to be Laura.
[WINGS FLAPPING]
Laura!
[CLIFF] Was that it? Was
that the Eternal Flatulation?
I don't get it.
I think it's flagellation.
That's what I said.
[IN JAPANESE]
That sounds bad. Is it bad?
Only if you are.
It's for the best.
So wait.
The dancing wasn't the thing?
["SWEET CITY WOMAN" PLAYING]
Fuck!
Are we just gonna let them
get away with this?
[BIRDS SCREECHING]
[LARRY] What the
Uh
[SCREECHING]
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
[CLIFF] Holy shit!
Did you see that?
So wait, is this the
Eternal Flatulation?
What the fuck!
To be honest, I'm still high as
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[SCREECHING CONTINUES]
Oh, God.
[SCREECHING CONTINUES]
Sweet sweet city woman ♪
Oh, she's my sweet, sweet,
sweet sweet city woman ♪
Sweet sweet city woman ♪
Oh, my sweet, sweet,
sweet sweet city woman ♪
Everybody ♪
Sweet, sweet, sweet sweet city woman ♪
[CRACKLING]
[WIND BLOWING]
[HOLLY LAUGHING] Whoo!
[HOLLY SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
[LAUGHS]
[COUGHING]
[GAGGING]
[PANTING]
[GASPING]
Little Victor Stone. [EXHALES]
The last time I saw you,
you were about this tall.
Sitting in the corner
of Elinore's office,
playing quietly with your Superman doll.
- You probably don't remember me.
- That was a lifetime ago.
Yeah, I worked with your
mom at S.T.A.R. for years.
She was an incredible woman.
Why'd you leave?
Well, after 9/11, S.T.A.R. doubled
down on weapons programs.
- I wanted to heal people, not arm them.
- Hmm.
It's a shame how many of my clients were
disfigured by S.T.A.R.-developed
weapons.
So, what can I do for you, Vic?
I heard about synthetic skin,
and I wonder if that might
be an option for me.
Well, that's definitely not
what I expected you to say.
- But may I?
- Of course.
I have to admit
I was surprised when Silas chose
the Cyborg tech for you,
instead of coming to me.
I mean, you were just such a happy kid.
My God, Silas really is
a magician, isn't he?
I mean, an internal
battery-powered mechanokinetic
pulse cannon. I
What's the total output?
10,000 volts?
- 25.
- Whoa.
Yeah, I can liquify an armored
truck in under three seconds.
[CHUCKLES] Wow.
Well
Okay.
Unsurprisingly, the
physiological integration
of your tech is incredibly extensive.
To safely introduce
a SynthSkin exodermis,
your Cyborg tech would have
to be completely removed.
Even Grid?
Obviously, your artificial organs
and structural prosthetics
would have to stay,
but anything that requires more energy
than you get from a burrito? Gotta go.
What if I wanted to do it?
How soon could you
Good news there.
Your biotech interfaces are almost
entirely nanotechnological,
which makes extraction
largely a matter of code.
So, this could be an
overnight procedure.
But this isn't a decision
you should take lightly.
Have you talked with
your father about this?
[EXHALES]
My mom would want this for me.
That's the only thing I care about.
That's fair.
I just
[SIGHS]
We urge all of our clients to talk
this through with a loved one.
Believe me, this will be a lot easier
with someone by your side.
[JANE] My fucking records?
Which ones?
Uh, well, I sold them as
a lot. So, all of them?
- What the fuck is wrong with you?
- You don't understand.
They had a special edition
Chipmunk Master keychain
you could get for just 15,000 acorns
and I was almost there
when I lost it all on
a double-or-nothing
Nut Jump against Mr. Fox
even though Ginger told
me not to trust Mr. Fox!
Huh?
[CLIFF] What?
There's something
weird going on with you.
No, there isn't. There's something
weird going on with you.
After you get my fucking
records back, you're gonna
[CHOKING]
Jane?
Oh, fuck. I got this.
I took a Heimlich course in '87.
Had to bone the instructor to pass
but I remember the basics.
[CHOKING CONTINUES]
[CLIFF] What the fuck?
[GROANING]
[GASPS]
Oh, you got the prize!
[EXHALES]
[JANE] It's those Dada freaks.
[OBJECT SHATTERS]
- What the fuck?
- [GASPS]
[CLIFF] Holy shit on a shingle.
There is something weird going on.
[MADAME ROUGE] Of course
there's something going on,
you guileless golem.
They are coming for us.
We must rally to defend the castle.
Cliff, seal the doors, the windows
and the motherfucking fireplaces.
Why are you even still
here? We had a deal.
We did your little spy mission.
Now, why don't you get the fuck out
and take your dumb quirks
and your fucking stupid
magic tricks with you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we have bigger problems
You have bigger problems. Not us.
I assure you that this
is everyone's problem.
Look, Curly. When something
wants to get us,
it usually finds a way to get us.
- No use trying to stop it.
- [SCOFFS]
Now you, get your laptop.
We're getting my records back, you fuck.
- What's the big deal?
- [GROANS]
They weren't even worth that much.
[MADAME ROUGE] We've got
to seal these windows.
Now, your Cher workout tapes,
on the other hand [CHUCKLES]
My what?
- Um
- Oh, no, you didn't.
You sold my Cher workout tapes?
[SPUTTERING] Let me explain.
Um
- [CLIFF] What? No.
- [DOORBELL RINGING]
Wait, no, no, I'm still not Flit!
Shit, shit.
- Dad, what are you doing here?
- Uh
Hey, here I am. Surprise
extended Grandpa visit.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Hey.
- Did you get help with your
- Oh, the Parkie?
Yeah, that's all taken care of.
Got some pills. And let me tell you,
those babies work like gangbusters.
See?
Steady as a rock.
Good.
I I've been eyeing the Bureau
since my cousin Paige came on here.
He's he's a meta, too.
Worked in comms until the Big One.
Did you know him?
Anyway, Paige didn't
make it back fully intact.
So, I figured I'd wait for
the war to be good and over.
The war is never over.
So tell me, who are you?
Who am I? I'm, uh
I'm I'm Wally Sage,
ma'am. I just told you
What are you?
Ah, I see. A test.
Very sneaky, ma'am.
- Uh What am I, huh?
- [DOOR OPENS]
Um
Well, I guess, probably I
don't know what you'd call it.
Probably easier if I just show you.
Hmm.
Fascinating.
Can you apply this ability
to, say artillery?
Uh, sure, I guess. But
I came in to see about
the marketing position.
Well, you will be very useful.
Weapon.
Thank you.
Laura
he was just a boy.
Wars don't fight themselves.
Is that all you have to say?
You used to look out for kids like him.
Well, it's not the same carefree
world it was then, is it?
We must make difficult choices
in order to keep our country safe.
We're meeting at the Salon tonight
to workshop a new piece.
We'd all love to see you.
- "We all"?
- Yes.
Holly, Malcolm, everyone.
We miss you.
Don't you miss making art
and expressing yourself? You used
to say that it was your calling.
Well, I have a higher calling now.
Yeah, I recall you landing
here with a calling.
Something about a time machine.
But you gave up on all that when
you found safety in your little
coterie, didn't you?
Laura
it's your coterie, too.
I swear, if the Bureau could,
they'd make us forget that
we all had lives before
Yes, well, don't worry.
I'll never forget.
Now send in the next recruit,
would you, on your way out?
[OPENS DRAWER]
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
Mm, let me guess. She said no.
You surprised?
I'm a little worried about
her, if I'm being honest.
- Lately, she's just seems so
- Sour? Hmm.
- She's been sour for 15 years.
- It's her job.
That sort of work just has
to weigh on a person's soul.
- Yeah, if she still has one.
- Malcolm.
She saved all of our souls
once upon a time.
Maybe it's our turn to save hers.
Hmm.
Maybe you're right.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[LARRY GROANS]
Larry?
- [GROANS]
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- [MADAME ROUGE] Larry?
- [LARRY] God.
[MADAME ROUGE] It is
11:00 in the morning
and you're loafing about on the floor.
[MADAME ROUGE SCOFFS]
My expectations with you people truly
could not be any lower at this point.
But we are about to be confronted
by an inconceivably dangerous threat.
- [GASPS]
- And I need all the help I can get.
Uh, fine. Fine. Could you just
Can you give me a minute?
God.
Um what on earth is that?
[LARRY] It's just Well, it started
as a tumor, but then it, uh
- That came out of you?
- Yes.
- Out of your
- Out of my mouth, okay?
Yes. It's definitely alive.
[MADAME ROUGE] Wow. A
sentient tumor. Fascinating.
Have you recently been exposed
to any abnormal atmospheres?
[LARRY] My entire life is
an abnormal atmosphere.
Do you mean the Afterlife?
The Negative Nebula?
I went to Costco for the
first time a few weeks ago.
- Was that it?
- No, the second one.
This Nebula. I think that's
your answer right there.
I mean, you're probably dealing
with some kind of space parasite.
[LARRY] Really?
How can you be sure?
Well, what else could it be, you bampot?
[LARRY] Okay. Okay.
Well, what should I do?
Oh, well, let's use our brains here.
When one expels a living,
16-pound parasite from one's body,
there is really only one
reasonable response.
- Give it a name?
- Jesus Christ almighty, no.
No, burn Burn it. Burn it.
And meet me in the great room
when you've dealt with it.
Jesus Christ! You burn it.
You don't give it a fucking name.
[KAY CRYING]
What's wrong, Kay?
Driller Bill says you've
been crying all day.
Someone
Someone stole my bike.
It was right outside my door when
I went to bed and when I woke up,
it was gone.
Okay, well,
maybe somebody just
borrowed it. Did you ask
They stole it!
Stop treating me like I'm a stupid baby.
Okay.
Well, we'll just go up top
and get you a new bike.
And this time we'll actually pay for it.
No, I don't wanna go up.
I never wanna go up again.
[CONTINUES CRYING]
[RORY COOING]
I don't know if it's your ice-cold touch
or the hum of your nutrient tank,
but he is never as relaxed
as when he's with you.
That's my grandpa powers at work.
You remind me more and more
of Grandpa RJ, you know that?
[CLIFF GROANS]
You know what? You guys
deserve a real break.
Why don't I watch Rory so
you can go out? Date night.
Out? I don't even know
what that means anymore.
Thanks, but we're good.
You know, that sounds nice actually.
Are you serious?
Yeah. We'll just walk down to
Scooter Dog's, grab an ice cream bar.
We'll be gone 20 minutes. 30, tops.
You won't regret this. I'm gonna have
the whole place cleaned up and
- Here. Just in case, for emergencies.
- [CLIFF] Uh
Okay, cool.
[HOLLY HUMMING]
[MACHINE WHIRRING]
[GRUNTS]
[CONTINUES HUMMING]
[FOGHORN BELLOWING]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[EXHALES]
[LARRY] I guess that's that.
[EXHALES]
Next time you go to space, don't
forget to wear a spacesuit, Larry.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh.
[EXHALES]
Damn it.
Damn, damn, damn.
Hey. Hey, you all right in there?
I couldn't just leave you out here
without giving you a fighting chance.
I went back and made you a
I don't know what space parasites eat,
but I figure everybody likes a PB&J.
Here you go.
[SIGHS]
What the hell is wrong with me?
Here. It's supposed to
get pretty chilly tonight.
Hey, look, there's nothing
to be afraid of.
[RUSTLING NEARBY]
I don't think.
[GROANS]
[SIGHS]
Look, I don't know what you want,
but you're better off without
me. Just trust me on that.
[FOGHORN BELLOWING IN DISTANCE]
[LARRY] Huh.
That can't be good.
[BELLOWING CONTINUES]
[BIRD SCREECHING IN DISTANCE]
[RHYTHMIC BEEPING]
I S S
M E
"Miss"
"Miss me"?
How the hell did you find me?
[VIC] The super computer
in my head helped a little.
And what do you
and the super computer
in your head want?
I just wanted you to
know, you were right.
- [RONI] About what?
- About me.
Look, everything's always
been so laid out for me.
I didn't even know what was missing.
But I do now.
It's like, how can I help people
when there's this barrier between us?
When they can't even relate
to me as a human being?
You're rambling, Vic.
What you trying to do? Keep
me on the line long enough
for your S.T.A.R. buddies
to come scoop me up?
No, no, you won't have to
worry about that anymore.
What's going on, Vic?
[SIGHS] I think I might
have it taken out.
My tech.
- All of it.
- What?
Look, I just wanted you to know
because you were the one who
What are you talking about?
What
What happened to wanting to be a hero?
But my tech doesn't make me a hero.
Having an energy cannon
fused to my nervous system
That's not what I meant. We
have our preferred methods,
but at the end of the day,
we want the same thing.
Change.
Now, I'm blasting through
the back door demanding it
while you're walking into the lobby with
a big, dumb smile on your face,
talking about
[IN COMICAL VOICE] "Hi, I'm
Cyborg. Nice to meet ya".
[IN NORMAL VOICE] But sometimes
change comes from the inside.
- You taught me that.
- I'm not giving up the fight.
I'll just have to find another way.
You already have a way, Vic.
You can sign all the online
petitions that you want,
but when there is a guy with
an arm cannon at the table,
you're going to want to listen
to what he has to say.
Wait. How is that any
different than a cop
demanding obedience
down the barrel of a gun?
Because we don't want obedience.
All we want is justice.
I didn't ask for this, Roni.
[RONI] None of us asked for what we got.
Only thing that matters is
what we do once we got it.
But Cyborg isn't me.
I'm not happy like this.
Yeah, well, not all of us can afford
to prioritize our happiness.
The fact is, you're a more effective
agent of change as Cyborg
than you are as Vic.
So what do you want?
Change? Or do you want to happiness?
But you taught me to trust myself,
and that's exactly what I'm doing.
I thought you'd be happy for me.
[ELECTRIC STATIC]
Roni?
- You there?
- Vic.
I'm losing you.
It's not safe to talk anyway.
Just
Do what you gotta do.
And maybe I'll see you
on the other side.
- [DISHES CLATTERING]
- [RORY CRYING]
[CLIFF] All good. All good.
Everything's fine.
[MAN ON RADIO] We have multiple
reports of an unprecedented fog
spreading over the Eastern Seaboard.
In my 23 years on the weather map,
I've never seen anything like this
Nope! No negativity today!
This is what I'm talking about.
Grandpa and Rory just hanging out,
making memories that'll last a lifetime.
Grandpa is not thinking
about anything at all.
Not about Ginger, not about Chipmunks.
[SMOKE ALARM BEEPING]
- [RORY CRYING]
- Don't worry, buddy.
Nothing your old g-pa can't handle.
Oh, fuck!
Didn't think that through.
- [MEL] Hey.
- [CLARA] We're back.
[CLIFF] Oh, thank God I
mean, oh, hey, back so soon?
Cliff, the burner is on high.
Oh, uh, I would have caught that.
Well, you did catch
it. So it's all good.
It's fine. At least you didn't
burn the house down.
See that? We're building trust.
Yeah, I'm gonna put Rory down for a nap.
Hey, did you hear
about this weird fog thing rolling in?
Is that something we should
be concerned about?
Oh, that? Don't even worry about it.
Big Papa Cliff will
keep his family safe.
Good.
I don't want you running off already.
You just got here.
[CLIFF] Yeah.
[OBJECTS CLATTERING]
[JANE] I'm gonna destroy
whatever thieving fuck took it.
I'm talking murder.
Who took the fucking bike, Doc?
Whoever took it, I hope
they threw it in the well.
I'm gonna fuck you up.
They will have done us all a favor.
In case you haven't noticed,
Kay is staying put,
right where she belongs.
Because she's fucking depressed,
not because she wants to.
I hate to point the finger, Jane,
but you've opened this can of worms
by allowing her to go
up in the first place.
She was fine.
She was lucky. And if the
girl's going to be hurt,
it's better it be on our
terms than on theirs.
Don't you agree?
We were created for one thing,
it was to protect the girl.
If we can't even do that, then maybe
Who's protecting us, Jane?
[GASPS]
[MADAME ROUGE] Annihilation
is hot on my trail,
but God forbid any of them
should lift a finger to try and help me.
Why should I lure it away
from this temple of torpor?
Because I am a good person, that is why!
[VOICE WHISPERS] Tiptoe
harem, purple and low.
[GASPS SOFTLY]
Fuck!
[BICYCLE BELL RINGING]
[OMINOUS LAUGHTER]
Show yourselves!
[HODGES] Burning the midnight oil?
You know, if we had any sense,
we would be out celebrating.
I heard we set a new
recruitment record this week.
[LAURA] I set a recruitment record.
Twelfth week in a row, actually.
Not bad, De Mille.
If numbers were the only
thing that mattered,
you'd be running this joint by now.
Pace yourself, Willy.
Making enemies around here
won't advance you. Trust me.
Wait.
You don't think you have what it takes
to be a leader in this
organization, do you?
Listen to me, you little hyena.
I have been a loyal and industrious part
of the Bureau for 35 years and I
What about your little pals?
My little pals?
In the mailroom. The stretchy one,
the living cyclone, the invisible one.
All very powerful or so I hear.
And yet, every time
the reclassification window
comes around,
you decide to keep them
hidden in the basement.
Yes, well, they're not
We are in the midst of
a meta-human arms race.
And it seems to me that
you are more worried
about protecting your friends
than you are about protecting
what is actually at risk.
The moral core of our great nation.
I do my job well
and I do it with acute moral integrity.
And the meta-humans in question
are simply unsuited for war.
They're pacifists.
And what does that make you?
Those freaks are merely
an untapped resource.
And depending on who you ask
so are you.
My advice?
"Friend" is merely a nice
word for "opportunity".
And don't think for a second
that the big eye in the
sky isn't watching you.
[SCREAMS IN FRUSTRATION]
[SIGHS]
[EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[RITA] If we could have your attention.
Malcolm and I have been working
on something at home.
We're not sure where
we're going with it,
but perhaps it will help ignite
some creative juices, mm?
Oh, I see. You have his face
and he has yours because you're in love.
- Please kill me now.
- [SNICKERING]
[MALCOLM] Introducing
Skittish Apparition,
and The Shapeless Shape.
[RITA] Plastic!
[MALCOLM] Tundra!
[BOTH] Gullible pickling carousel!
[RITA LAUGHING]
[MALCOLM] Ah
[BOTH SCATTING]
What the hell was that, softshoe?
Ah! Well
The newest thing on Broadway.
Our thinking was that
a playful subversion
of cultural trends could
prove a fertile canvas
in which to examine human frivolity.
[MALCOLM] Mm-hmm.
[IN JAPANESE]
The Sisterhood of Dada.
[IN JAPANESE]
[IN JAPANESE]
[IN JAPANESE]
[IN JAPANESE]
year we vote against it.
[IN JAPANESE]
[IN JAPANESE]
the world a better place.
[LLOYD SCOFFS]
Since our inception,
there's been plague,
depression, Holocaust.
Just five years ago, a world away,
our bombs vaporized
entire populations where they stood.
And right here, in our backyard,
my own people have been
subjected to horrors
you can't even
I can't even, man. You know?
How are we doing?
We Making the world a better place.
We stood by and watched
the Bureau lurch from
oddities to normalcy,
guided by the very same
ideologies we claim to oppose.
We just kept our heads down.
For what?
A paycheck?
There's a word for
what we are. All of us.
Complicit.
Well, if that's not motivation
to make a big statement,
I don't know what is.
As Nietzsche once said,
"it takes chaos inside of us
to give birth to the dancing star".
Hmm?
The Eternal Flagellation
would certainly be a big
middle finger to the
Bureau, wouldn't it?
But what about Laura?
She'll never go along with
it, and we'll be forcing her
to choose between us and the Bureau.
[IN JAPANESE]
[FOGHORN BELLOWING IN DISTANCE]
[WIND BLOWING]
[SACHIKO IN JAPANESE]
[DR. CHALMERS] All right. You should
start to feel a little lightheaded.
That's normal.
Was that there before?
[INDISTINCT WHISPERING]
Hey.
So
I found out what happened to your bike.
Turns out somebody just wanted
to borrow it and they lost it.
It was all a big mistake.
Nothing to be upset about.
We both know that's bullshit.
[DOOR SLAMS]
Kay?
[CLIFF] You should have seen me, Ginger.
Big Papa Cliff was Mr. Momming
the shit out of that kid.
Well, Big Papa, you paid for 15 minutes.
You wanna talk about parenting,
or you wanna see my hoo-hah?
Well maybe just a little
Ow! Hey!
[DR. CHALMERS] Vic! Oh,
my God! Are you okay?
[CLIFF] Fuck me!
Oh, my God, Cliffie,
is it the meds again?
Do you want me to call somebody?
[CLIFF] No, don't call anybody.
It just needs to run its
course!
[FOGHORN BELLOWING]
[CLIFF] Um
What the fuck?
Whoa!
Where the fuck are we?
[CLIFF] Welcome to, apparently,
my drug-filled fantasy
sequence or some shit.
[SNICKERS]
[CLIFF AND VIC LAUGH]
Oh, my fucking God!
I'm actually here with you
metal-poisoned morons.
And I was in the middle of something.
Can't let any more in.
Can't let the fog in.
[LARRY] Hey, what's up with the foghorn?
How did you get inside?
What? I don't know. The front door.
Did you seal it?
- [LARRY] What? Why?
- [MADAME ROUGE] Why?
[LARRY] It's just a little
Fuck!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Laura, you came.
[MALCOLM] I'll be damned!
[SHELLY] Laura!
Guess what! We're doing it, Laura.
We're finally doing the
Eternal Flagellation!
Yes!
[ALL CHEERING AND LAUGHING]
Oh
[LARRY GRUNTS]
[LARRY] Um, can somebody please
tell me what the hell is going on?
I know this place.
[CLIFF] Is this Dada? Are we doing Dada?
- [RITA] Laura
- [MALCOLM] I'll be damned.
How do I know this place?
[LAURA ECHOING] They're pacifists.
[HOLLY ECHOING] We're finally
doing the Eternal Flagellation.
I wanted you all to know
how proud I am of you.
No matter how tough things
got, you stuck by each other.
No matter how far I
drifted away from you,
you kept me tethered.
I'll never forget that.
Don't apologize. Dance.
[CLIFF] This is really dumb but
we actually look pretty cool.
[LARRY] Is this what you
were so scared of, De Mille?
I've been to scarier dance
parties at church lock-ins.
[JANE] God, that sounds scary as fuck.
No, no.
No.
[FOOTSTEPS THUDDING]
[GASPS]
No! No, there's no need for
force. They won't fight back.
[GRUNTING]
They won't fight back.
They're pacifists.
Please
Please!
How'd you do this?
Put them on their knees.
[LARRY] Ow!
What the God.
[HODGES] Well done, De Mille.
I've been looking forward
to this for years.
I'd like to personally welcome you
to the Bureau's Meta Weapons Division.
Finally promoted out of the mail room.
You should be proud.
Go to hell.
We will never fight for you.
You're up, De Mille.
Weapon.
[BREATH SHUDDERS]
Weapon.
[JANE] Wait a fucking minute.
Is this about you?
Weapon.
Is this like a flashback?
Weapon.
How could you do this to us?
We were a family.
Your
Your country needs you.
So on your knees, Bendy.
On your knees, Bendy.
[STUN GUN CRACKLES]
On your knees!
[MALCOLM] Laura, stop this.
[CRACKLING]
[RITA] Malcolm!
[MALCOLM] Laura!
[MALCOLM GROANS]
[CRYING]
[GROANS]
[LARRY] Rita?
She's ready.
[CLIFF] What the fuck!
What's going on now?
[LARRY] Uh, I think
we're about to find out.
[EGG CRACKING]
[GROWLING]
What the hell is that?
[RITA] Laura, you remember Malcolm?
[GASPS]
You killed him. Now
you must set him free.
I didn't kill anyone.
Everything I did, I had a
damn good reason to do.
You told me the Sisterhood
of Dada was evil.
- But the evil one was you.
- No!
No, I am not evil.
It's true, Laura. You did this
and we suffered for 70 years.
Did unspeakable things
in service of a cause
we abhorred because of you.
You are wrong.
The whole world was crumbling around us,
and all I cared about was you.
But I made an oath
to the Bureau and I
[SHRIEKING]
We are offering you a
chance to atone. Take it!
I atoned that day
by making useful agents of you.
[SCREAMING IN CAGE]
Malcolm!
Bendy, wait! It has to be Laura.
[WINGS FLAPPING]
Laura!
[CLIFF] Was that it? Was
that the Eternal Flatulation?
I don't get it.
I think it's flagellation.
That's what I said.
[IN JAPANESE]
That sounds bad. Is it bad?
Only if you are.
It's for the best.
So wait.
The dancing wasn't the thing?
["SWEET CITY WOMAN" PLAYING]
Fuck!
Are we just gonna let them
get away with this?
[BIRDS SCREECHING]
[LARRY] What the
Uh
[SCREECHING]
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
[CLIFF] Holy shit!
Did you see that?
So wait, is this the
Eternal Flatulation?
What the fuck!
To be honest, I'm still high as
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[SCREECHING CONTINUES]
Oh, God.
[SCREECHING CONTINUES]
Sweet sweet city woman ♪
Oh, she's my sweet, sweet,
sweet sweet city woman ♪
Sweet sweet city woman ♪
Oh, my sweet, sweet,
sweet sweet city woman ♪
Everybody ♪
Sweet, sweet, sweet sweet city woman ♪