Drawn Together (2004) s03e07 Episode Script

Clara, narrating: everywhere i look, I see signs the apocalypse is near.
A cure for leukemia! Oh! Stem cell research! Oh, come on, baby, That fin-Rot i caught from aquaman Cleared up a long time ago! Ah! Rampant lying! [Dolphin squeaks.]
[Indistinct chatter.]
[Gasps.]
morbid obesity! [Groans.]
[Flames roar and man screams.]
Get up, black person! Time to repent! Repent? But we just pented! Prepare yourself, for the rapture is almost upon us! Rapte-Whatchama-Whodat? The best way to explain the rapture to foxxy Was to call the kirk cameron hotline.
[Dialing and ringing.]
Hi, there.
It's me, Third rate child television star kirk cameron.
To learn about your unavoidable descent into hell Via the impending rapture, Press one-- [Beep.]
The rapture is coming! [Fanfare plays.]
Whoo! When it arrives, good people like me And richard "boner" stabone Will float straight up to heaven, While the sinners like you And that fat, drunk-Driving, s.
U.
V.
Rolling jewess Tracy gold will be left behind.
The only sign of the chosen people Will be their clothing left on the ground.
And then satan shall come to earth And force all the sinners to sign away their souls.
This is all bullshit.
Oh, really? Then how do you explain this? The phone wasn't even plugged in.
Whoo-Ooh! Uh, clara, is that kirk cameron hiding behind that plant? ! Kirk, you're busted! Run To learn more, visit my website Aah! Catch me, jesus! [Thuds.]
[Sirens wailing on tv.]
Hey, guys! Y'all ready to go? Are you ready to shut the fuck up? Hello! We're trying to watch the amazing race riot.
Come on, tyrone! We don't want to b e the last ones To rob that korean deli! Today's the day you promised We'd all go to the mall together! I thought today was the day You were gonna shut the fuck up! Oh, come on, guys! There's something at the mall for everyone.
Ling-Ling, didn't you want a new castle for your fish tank? And wooldoor, doesn't your dummy Deserve a brand new bow tie? Don't patronize me, queer! And, toot, don't you want your parents' approval? More than anything! Yeah, well, you'll never get that.
So what do you say, guys? [All talking at once.]
My girlfriend has cerebral palsy! Wait--Wait-- Wait a second! I just realized something.
We can't go to the mall All: aww! How dare you get my hopes up, you cocksucker! without our mall t-Shirts! [All cheering.]
Wait, i'll go get clara.
Clara? I'm sick of that bible-Thumping bitch.
Besides, what fun is doing a group activity If you can't exclude somebody? You can say that again! Ah, shut up, excludey! Get back in your box! Ohh! [Slow piano music playing.]
Man: get out, excludey! We don't want you in here.
Ohh! [Slow piano music playing.]
Ha! All right! Drawn together mall trip '06 Starts right now! I hope to god you know what the hell you're doing.
Ahh.
Good morning, fellow housemates.
Anyone home? ™ª hello, sinners? ™ª Anyone here? My roommates left me all alone.
My roommates left me all alone! Whoo-Hoo! [Giggles.]
yeah! [Screams.]
[Toilet flushes.]
whee! Oh, fun! Ooh! [Disposal whirs.]
[Screams.]
Whee! [Giggles.]
Whoo-Hoo! [Giggles.]
[glass breaks.]
What's this? Kirk cameron: the rapture is coming! Rapte-Whatchama-Whodat? The only sign of the chosen people Will be their clothing, left on the ground.
Hey-Hey-Hey! Holy smokes! The rapture came! God took all my roommates up to heaven, But that means i've been left behind! [Screaming.]
Ooh, there's a space! ™ª speed racer, yeah! ™ª All: aww! Toot: ooh, there's another space! [Creature roars.]
All: aww! [Clicks car alarm.]
Captain hero: ooh, what about that one? [Crashes.]
[indistinct shrieking.]
Xandir: ow, god damn it! Captain hero: go, go, go, go! Park your invisible jet where somebody can see it, asshole! God damn it, this mall is more crowded than my uterus.
E! [Gasps.]
there's on Are you fucking crazy? That's a compact spot! A compact spot! Oh, jesus, How could you rapture my sinful housemates and leave me behind? Answer me, talking jesus! Woman's voice: i love shopping with my girlfriends! Oh, there must have been some kind of mix up at the doll factory.
Man's voice: stop your whoring and sodomizing, sinner! I shall cleanse you in my blood! Yow! [Screams.]
Why would those sinners be taken? I'm sure this is just one of god's classic bloopers, Like nipple hair or rachael ray's face.
No doubt you'll realize your mistake, lord, And rapture me up to heaven any minute now! ! Woman's voice: just pretend you're eating a banana But you darn well better do it soon Before satan forces me to sign away my soul! [Doorbell rings.]
[gasps.]
Miss, i need you to sign right here.
Aah! Oh, my god! Satan! The antichrist! U! If you don't let him do it, he'll break up with yo Xandir, are you out of your mind? We'll never fit into that spot! Shut it, pig.
Xandir is captain of this ship, And he won't let us down, just like captain america! Or cap'n crunch.
Or, uhuh Captain Uh Captain Oh, i can't think of anymore captains right now.
[Slow piano music playing.]
I won't let you down, guys.
Now hold on! I am going in! Huh? Ha ha! How am i doing on the right? Pretty good, pretty good.
That's it.
[Mumbling.]
You got it.
Ok.
All right.
[Cracking.]
[Crashes.]
Here we are, safe and sound.
Oh, yay! I can't wait to go to baby gap, In and out burger, footlocker, And all the other euphemisms for vagina! Oh, my god! We can't get out this way.
Ach du lieber augustine! We can't get out this way, either! Oh, lordy, we trapped! We trapped! [All screaming.]
[No audio.]
[All screaming.]
Foxxy: get us the hell out of here! W! Wooldoor: if we lived here, we'd be home by no You said you knew what you were doing! I thought the mall would be so much fun.
Well, xandir, like the grateful dead, You've gotten us into yet another stupid jam.
Huh? Huh? Ehh, fuck the lot of you.
Oh, my god, we're all going to die! Holy crap! [Stammering.]
What do we-- What do we-- What All right, xandir's useless.
Everyone listen to spanky ham.
Now, they tell you in the boy scouts, If you get lost, stay in one place And wait for them to find you.
Stay in one place? I prefer my boy scouts to move around a little.
What? We supposed to not move Until somebody come help us? That's burn victim talk! I'll say we bust through this roof and go get help! Oh, real brilliant, foxxy! It's like 50 degre es out there! You break that window, It'll be 50 degree s in here! Oh, my god! That's, like, jacket weather, And all we have are these t-Shirts! Screw all y'all! I am going for help.
Stand back! Don't even think about it, foxxy! Oh, my god! He gots a puerto-Rican credit card! , all right, hero, let's not do anything you're going to regret T, because if you want to do something you're going to regre There's 220 pounds of it right here! Shut it! From now on, we're all going to listen to spanky.
Think of this van as a public high school graduation-- Nobody is going anywhere.
[Knock on door.]
.
Please, ma'am, you've gotta sign for this Otherwise, you'll have to pick it up At the distribution center.
[Narrating.]
satan was relentless in pursuit of my soul.
I had to stall until the clerical error Made by some affirmative action hire in heaven was corrected! Come on! [Grunting.]
Ow! Oh! [Groans and gasps.]
[Screams and grunts.]
Yes! What's the matter, satan? Tire yourself out ? Inventing foreskins, salsa dancing and rachael ray's face Captain hero, narrating: people weren't happy that spanky and i were in control, But i was determined to save their lives-- Even though nobody ever really dies.
Observe.
Ohh! Now, you try! One of us has to get out that window and go get help! No one's going anywher e as long as hero has that gun.
Then we gots to get that gun away from him.
But how? Mmm.
Mmm.
[Gagging.]
I gots it! One of us has gots to seduce him.
Oh, mr.
Captain, you're so big und strong! Please for teach me to wrestle with our shirts off, hmm? Is there anybody out there who didn't think that this would go gay? Ah! [Both moaning.]
[Boings.]
[Screams.]
[Grunts.]
! Mr.
Vandergelden, you're trying to seduce me [Kisses.]
It's working! It's working! Wooldoor's going to have that gun for us in no time! Psst, foxxy, do you have a rubber? What? You mean you ain't seduced him yet? Some of us still care about a little thing called romance! Oh, damn it! I'll just do it myself.
Hero, i want that gun.
If you want this gun, You'll have to pry it out of my cold, dead hand.
Aw! Why did i keep my gun in my bob dole hand? Everybody stand back, 'cause the foxxy's gonna go get help.
[Gunshots.]
Wait, foxxy, if we don't make it, Take these letters to my parents.
Uhthese are scrabble letters.
I know, i stole them from their house.
Sometimes i steal when i get nervous.
By the way, here's your watch.
Wooldoor, you is a good man.
I'm gonna need you to keep things under control Until i get back! Is you up for it? I'll do my best for you, foxxy.
Even though i'm nervous! Oh, here's your watch again.
Godspeed, foxxy love! [Beeping.]
[Wind howling.]
[All shivering.]
You pathetic fool! Now we're all gonna die! Even me? No, not you, excludey.
Now, here's a blanket and a thermos of delicious hot cocoa.
Ohh.
She'll be back soo n.
Real soon.
[Grunts.]
oh, boy, This is the worst delivery since My wife's miscarriage.
[Rim shot.]
Nyah-Nyah nyah nyah-Nyah nyah! Come and get me, satan! Oh, i will come and get you! Just sign for this package.
[Gasps.]
[Panting.]
[Grunts.]
Oh! Hmm.
[Screams.]
[Laughs.]
missed me! [Gasps.]
very impressive.
I guess i didn't account for your supernatural powers.
Nah, i don't have supernatural powers.
I just knew about those booby traps 'Cause i've seen home alonelike a hundred times.
Watching that adorable kid in the movie, heh, Is the closest thing me and my wife will get To having a real son.
[Rim shot.]
[Narrating.]
i should have known there was no way A mere mortal could escape from the prince of lies.
You have defeated me, dark lord! Wow, i haven't been called dark lord since college.
I totally nailed a black chick once.
I shall sign! [Weeping and sniffling.]
Super-Duper! Satan, i acknowledge you as my master.
I will do anything you ask of me, anything! Anything? Wow, This must be what it's like to be al roker.
Mall security! Mall security! Please, please! I need some security! [Narrating.]
i had to find help, and nothing could stop me! Absolutely noth-- Whoo, is that a hot topic? Ooh, i hear they got officially licensed drawn togethermerchandise! Hot topic! They got everything A suicidal preteen could want! Except for parents who listen.
Where do you got yourdrawn together merchandise? Drawn to what now? It's a show on the box you get for free When the streets is on fire.
I'm on that show.
Heh heh heh! You never heard of foxxy brown? What about wooldorf, or ploop? Hmm.
Maybe we have some of your merchandise in the back.
Well, i'm supposed to be getting mall security to help my roommates, But i guess i could look around real quick.
Hmm.
Wow! Theking of the hill boredom helmet! Ooh, this is almost as boring as the show itself! Hmm.
What the-- [Gasps.]
you got plenty ofdrawn together-- [Grunts.]
Nighty night, foxxy love.
[All shivering.]
So cold.
Sovery cold.
Just hold on.
Foxxy will be back real soon.
Oh, yeah, right, the 2 things Black folks excel at-- Winter sports and getting places in a timely fashion.
Both: woof! Don't listen to them, guys.
Foxxy won't let us down.
I'm beginning to think she may be dead! T! [Gasps.]
don't ever say tha How dare you slap me Without having the decency to do me first! Or during! Or after! Or now? Last chance.
Starting now! Or now.
Door's still open.
Ok, then, You lost your chance.
Starting now! No? Ok, fine.
Come on, ling-Ling, I know when we're not wanted.
How about now? Hey, ass munchers, can we share in your fire? Fine.
You want to share our fire? You bring something to burn.
Guys, hey! What are you doing? We're burning your dummy! No, you can't! He's allergic to fire! I don't want to die like this! I want to die in a jet ski accident.
Still got it.
Ha-Cha-Cha.
I won't let you kill him! [Grunts.]
[Screams.]
[Grunts.]
[Groaning.]
Xandir, you gotta help me! [Groaning.]
Come on, man! They'll listen to you! [Groaning.]
Jesus, xandir, you're the troop leader! I'm the troop leader? My decision'swrong.
Must run away.
[Stammering.]
Run, xandir, run! Wait, where are you going? No! No, i'm just a toddler! He drew lines on my mouth! That's just what a dummy or a toddler would say.
You done good, kids.
You done good.
[Screaming indistinctly.]
No, wait! Stay with me! Fight, damn it! You're tough! I'm tough.
You're tenacious! I'm tenacious.
You don't know the meaning of the word quit! I don't even the meaning of the word tenacious.
[Laughter.]
You idiot! That was the last of our water! And we have no more matches! Oh, my god! You're all going to die! This van just got a whole lot sexier.
[Somber classical music playing.]
[Wind howling.]
Wooldoor: ha-Cha-Cha! [Lively classical music playing.]
[Chorus vocalizing.]