Duncanville (2020) s03e07 Episode Script

1
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Ooh!
- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!
- Duncan!
- Duncan!
No sister should have
to bury her little brother.
Stan was a kind, loving soul
who was taken from us
much too soon.
Too soon, Lord!
Much too soon!
Yes, it was. Settle down.
Stan died alone,
facedown in a public toilet
at the local water park.
His body was so bloated,
everyone assumed he was
an inflatable pool toy.
But even in the end,
he gave joy to the children
who rode him
down the lazy river.
Anyhoo, he's dead,
and his sins and gambling
debts are now forgiven.
- Let us pray.
- Oh, rats!
Oh, tough break,
Frankie the Weasel.
Okay, they're gone.
You can get up, Uncle Stan.
- Hey.
- Oh! Sorry.
I never get used to that part
of your fake funerals.
You went off script, Annie.
You were supposed to say I died
- donating too much bone marrow.
- I thought corpse pool toy
was more believable for you.
Well, thanks anyway for doing
my monthly fake funeral.
Hey, I heard Frankie the Weasel
sent a deli platter to your house.
Let's eat!
How come you were crying
if you knew he was alive
the whole time?
There are very few places
a man can openly weep,
and I take advantage.
Ooh, the Carlson funeral.
Yes!
Ha.
- What's Uncle Stan doing?
- Stealing gas.
It's something people did
in '70s movies.
Ah.
There's nothing like a good cry
followed by a deli plate.
What a great day.
That was the worst turnout
of any of Stan's fake funerals.
One day, I'm afraid
he actually will die alone.
Not necessarily. If he's
murdered, he wouldn't be alone.
Uncle Stan
is gonna get murdered?
Oh, sweetie, no.
Not for a long, long time.
But if he does end up sad and
alone, I'm going to wonder,
did I really do everything
I could to help him?
I lose sleep thinking
the same thing about Duncan.
Ugh!
My stupid neck ribbon
won't come off.
You take your eyes off him
for one second.
All right, I might have
swallowed some of that gas,
so no one come
into the bathroom for a while.
Stan, wait.
It was sad seeing you
in that casket today
- with no one who loved you.
- Good point.
Next time, I'll pay a
pretty lady to be my widow.
No, you need someone
to be a better person for.
Like Jack is for me.
- Love you, baby.
- "What exactly are you suggesting?"
he asked for himself,
but also for the audience.
I'm gonna help you
turn your life around.
It is time to settle down,
pay for gas, and get married.
I appreciate your
concern, but outside
of crippling bouts of
loneliness, I'm okay.
Oh, God, I'm so lonely.
Do I even exist?
- See? It passes.
- Stan, what you need
is the real girlfriend
experience,
- and I'm gonna give it to you.
- I'm only five,
but even I know
you said that wrong.
You know what?
I've got a couple hours.
So go ahead.
Turn my whole life around.
Ugh, now my shoes
won't come off.
Should I cut your pants off,
or do you want to do it?
Hey, Duncan.
Why aren't you dressed
for gym? Mesothelioma?
According to the shows
my grandma watches,
that's what everyone has.
No, trying
to get out of dodgeball.
I can't throw or catch or dodge.
It's like they figured out
all your weaknesses.
- You'd die in the wild.
- Wouldn't last a day.
Harris, why aren't you
in gym clothes?
Oh, I forgot them again.
Whoops.
I'll let you off
today, but show up without
gym clothes tomorrow, and
you're gonna play naked!
You can't make me do that!
Yes, he can.
His pee-pee's sizzlin'!
Are you sure this
is a men's clothing store?
Where are all the airbrushed
"Ass, Gas, or Grass" T-shirts?
Stan, don't make suggestions
or think.
Just try these on.
Once I finish "Queer Eyeing" you,
you're gonna be up to your ears
in sensible women.
And khaki.
Baby bro, let's go.
Nails, hair, hips, heels ♪
Face done, lips real ♪
Purse full, big bills ♪
Yes, I'm a big deal ♪
Legs, legs, face, eyes ♪
Thin waist, thick thighs ♪
You, me, you wish ♪
New phone, who this? ♪
Patty, pat, pat,
chew the gum, gum, gum ♪
I'm a one ♪
Girl, what did that girl
just say, girl? ♪
Harris family, I present to you
the new and improved,
not too exciting,
very much marriage material
Uncle Stan!
Sorry, had to finish my cigarette.
I smoke outside now.
Ooh!
Zamn, Zuncle.
Wow.
You're a complete dork now.
- Congrats.
- Where's my brother-in-law?
All I see is this smokin' hot
Olive Garden bartender.
And you don't smell like
when Mommy dropped
that bottle of wine anymore.
There's a lot of stuff
I don't smell like anymore,
and I feel fantastic.
Thanks, sis.
And to make sure
I don't backslide
within ten minutes,
I'm gonna burn my old stuff
and put Scumbag Stan
to rest for good.
Whoa, that's your box
of stuff for scams.
Are you sure
you want to give it up?
You've ruined
so many lives with this.
Look, I'm Hagrid!
"I could have saved Harry Potter
from his terrible stepfamily,
but I didn't."
What's this
neck-brace-looking thing?
- Oh, it's a neck brace.
- A neck brace?
Yeah, I used it
to get out of things
I didn't want to do,
like help friends move
or serve my country.
Or get out of gym class
and showering after gym class
and showering.
Hmm.
Okay, kids. Keep your eye
on this unprotected fire.
Your dad and I
are taking Uncle Stan
- for ballroom dance lessons.
- Isn't ballroom dancing
for people who died
on the "Titanic"?
Sensible women want a man
who knows how to waltz,
even though there's nowhere
to dance a waltz.
Maybe you should come, Duncan.
I've always wanted us to
have a mother-son dance.
- Can't. Doctor's orders.
- Oh, right. Feel better.
Drinks are complimentary
if you were dragged here
by your wife.
- We both know I was.
- I'm nervous.
All these women look smart
and hard to trick.
You don't need
to trick anybody.
You're a bathed and kind man.
Ugh, there's my neighbor
Helen Diggins.
I thought I smelled
a gallon of rose water.
Hello, Annie.
I'd like you to meet Jody,
my recently heartbroken niece
who makes an incredible living,
but is tired of the ego
of high-income men.
Hmm. I'm Stan, a recently
transformed ne'er-do-well.
- Would you care to waltz?
- I'd be delighted.
Oh, how sweet.
Well, have fun.
I'm just gonna waltz
over to the bar.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
Annie Harris,
you meddle so hard.
- You look like an idiot.
- Don't care. I like it.
It's like a big hug
for my neck.
Stan got back late last
night, and he wasn't alone.
I heard noises,
if you know what I mean.
- I don't.
- Oh, my God.
Stan got lucky? Do you think
they're moving too fast?
Doesn't mean it's not real.
- You put out on our first date.
- Annie!
Good morning, everyone.
Well, someone's in a good mood.
- How do you like your eggs?
- I like 'em runny.
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Who's a good boy?
Give me a kiss.
I love it
when you feed me bacon.
Don't forget the grease.
Mmm
A pig died for that.
How did this happen?
When we left,
you were cheek to cheek
with Helen's niece!
Oh, Jodie.
Yeah, she's nice.
- But she's not my type.
- So your type is that?
Helen's an amazing person.
She's well-read, well-traveled.
We're both banned from Facebook.
- Also, I'm into old women.
- That's impossible.
- No one is.
- That's not true.
What about Susan Sarandon
and that ping-pong guy?
I loved them.
And what about
Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore?
And Keanu Reeves
and that woman his age?
Really, Stan,
sleeping with an old lady
to take her money?
That was you in high school.
Hey, I wanted a dirt bike.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going back upstairs
to enter the gates of Helen.
Oh, put me in the swing, lover.
He brought his sex swing in
from the van?
- I'm gonna play on the swing too.
- Have fun, honey.
- Jack!
- Right, right, right.
Gym sucks today.
You're so lucky
you're fake injured.
Yup. No gym.
And I don't have to stand
- for the Pledge of Allegiance.
- Awesome!
That neck brace is like
a cheat code for life.
I wish I had one.
My friend Xavier invited me
to a spoken word performance,
and I want to get out of it.
You guys don't know him.
- He's one of my smart friends.
- We don't care.
You can borrow my brace
after gym today, Mia.
You all can borrow it
as long as you don't mind
a little rash.
Spoken word tonight at 6:00!
Yeah, brace me.
That one looks like
a guy with a coat hanger
breaking into
a vending machine.
That one looks like
a pair of compression socks.
You mean the ones I'm about
to pull off you with my teeth?
Come here.
Oh, Stanley.
Those two make me sick.
What's your problem, Mom?
They're cute together.
- Love is love.
- Yeah, I'm totally rooting for "Stelen."
Stelen?
What the heck's a Stelen?
- What does that mean?
- Stan and Helen.
It's their names
mushed together,
like celebrities
who are doomed to break up.
You know,
your mom and I tried that
with our names,
but "Ack" never caught on.
I put a lot of work
into transforming Stan,
and once again, he makes
the worst life choice possible.
That's it. I'm gonna help
Jing make a macaroni necklace,
then storm over there
and break their asses up.
Angry macaroni necklace.
Yay!
Ooh, Mom wants to
break up Stelen. Juicy.
Her generation
just doesn't get it.
You're gonna be helping
my buds out today.
Brace yourself, brace
for adventure.
Nope.
Go and get your checkup ♪
Wrap your neck up ♪
Logan Paul,
if it wasn't for my injury,
I'd be beating you to death
tonight!
Get well soon, ass-face.
Why do I start these beefs?
And I've been wearing it
ever since
my very brave tour of duty.
I'd take it off, but my
neck's nothing but shrapnel.
Excuse me, Steve.
I have a mild neck injury.
What the hell y'all doing?
Get that little girl and her
grandma up here right now.
Survey says: thank you.
Glad you all enjoyed Bracey
and got things
you didn't deserve.
I'll take it back now.
I don't want to give it up.
Grandma and I are auditioning
for "Wheel of Fortune,"
- and I need sympathy.
- I want it too.
We've got six pallets
of pizza meat coming in today.
Do you know how heavy
uncut pepperoni is?
No, I need it.
I lost myself in my lie,
and now Sergeant Hank
Mullen is engaged.
Wolf, thank you for your service,
but only one of us is at risk
of getting murdered on Twitch.
- There's gotta be a solution.
- We could mark a calendar
and each have it
one day a week?
Or we could have
a no-holds-barred
cage match to the death?
Puzzles with you is fun.
You can put in
the word "Hindenburg."
Did you know
I was almost on it?
- I overslept.
- Ah!
Party's over, pervs.
Hi, Uncle Stan
and Aunt-Grandma Helen.
Stan, I will not let you
break Helen's heart.
She is a dear friend,
and we depend on her
- for a snowblower in the winter.
- I don't get it, Annie.
I thought you wanted me
to find a woman.
I even waxed
my happy trail arrows for you.
And now,
in the throes of passion,
- I have to point.
- I wanted you to be
with someone
appropriate for you.
Like that fun cashier
at 7-Eleven with the
quirky glasses who's
always sketching horses.
She wears Doc Martens
without socks.
I know her feet stink.
You just can't accept Helen
because I made the choice.
Not you.
You're a control freak, Annie.
What?
I am not.
Jack, tell them
I'm not a control freak.
Keep my wife's name
out your freaking mouth!
If you didn't like that one,
I can scream it again.
You've been like this
our whole lives.
Remember my good post-grunge,
techno death metal band?
Sniper in the grass ♪
Stan, what are you doing?
Your shift at Captain Clucky's
started at four o'clucky,
which is how
the managers ask us to say it.
But we got our first gig tonight.
- It's an open mic at Dropout's Bar.
- Absolutely not.
Captain Clucky's is a real job.
This band
is never going anywhere.
- Move it!
- Ugh.
- Can I try singing?
- Sure thing, Eddie Vedder.
Oh, sniper ♪
Sniper in the grass, yeah! ♪
Stan, I'm sorry.
I had no idea
you felt that way about me.
And I do want you to be happy
and find someone
you can actually
spend your life with.
Well, I found her.
Is this happening?
Helen Anita Diggins,
I don't even have a ring,
and honestly,
there's a good chance
I'm gonna sit
on the couch all day
while you support my lazy ass,
but I swear I'm gonna love you
like no man ever has.
- Will you marry me?
- You know, after my ex Bert left me,
I want a guy who stays put
and has no options.
Mi Social Security
es su Social Security.
I love you, Stan.
Ooh, said I wasn't gonna do this.
Are you okay with this?
I have two words
for this relationship.
To Stelen!
Ah.
Oh!
He's kidding, right?
Why are you dressed
like the magician
who got arrested
after Jing's birthday party?
Well, I gotta look sharp if
I'm playing with a wedding band.
Now, when Helen walks
down the aisle,
I was thinking of starting
with "Hot For Teacher"
and ending with
"And the Cradle Will Rock."
How about
"Here Comes the Bride"?
That's why you're in charge.
Which flower girl dress
should I wear?
Floor-length is so last season,
but I'm not sure
I have the shoulders
for "p'sghetti" straps.
A, that's adorable.
And B, your shoulders slay, mama.
I need more chairs.
Helen wants
two sections for her friends:
smoking and heavy smoking.
Behold the prize.
Prepare your weapons.
Yangzi.
Float like a butterfly,
sting like Yangzi! Trademark.
Wolf.
- Mia.
- Pizza meat your maker.
- Bex.
- Soy un fantasma.
Duncan!
I'm Duncan.
And now we fight to the death!
Death fight!
Oh, my neck!
Huh.
None of these really capture
Helen's weathered essence.
If you'd like, I could take
a caramelizer torch
to this one's face.
Oh, that could work.
Where's Stan?
He was supposed to help us
pick this out.
There he is,
across the street.
Kissing another woman!
Oh, my God!
Stan's been lying to us!
He hasn't changed at all.
Ooh!
Annie, what are we gonna do?
The wedding's in a few hours.
Nothing.
It's like Stan said.
I need to let him make
his own terrible choices.
And as for poor, poor Helen,
we'll just have to buy
our own snowblower.
Stelen!
Annie, you made
an honest man out of me.
Next time you see me,
I'll be Mr. Helen Diggins.
And tonight,
I'll be digging Helen's
- Please stop.
- Love you, sis.
Love you, too, baby bro.
Lying sack of crap.
I respect that you want
to stay out of this,
but fair warning: when I
play Spandau Ballet's "True,"
I will sing the word "true"
with great irony.
Flowers, flowers,
trip, stand up very cute.
Gee, hope nobody caught that
adorable moment on their phone.
Well, aren't you just darling?
- I'll be back for that.
- When she talks, my eyes burn.
We are gathered here
on next to no notice
to bring together this guy
and his sister's neighbor.
As God said in the Bible,
"Love is cool."
Now, before we get
to kissing and dancing,
if anyone has any reason these
two shouldn't get married,
speak now or forever wait
to gossip about it
at the reception.
Let him make his own choices.
Let him make his own choices.
All right then.
Helen, do you take
I object! ♪
- You can find a better man ♪
- Jack, what are you doing?
You know this
is the right thing, Annie.
You're right.
Stan, I tried to stay out of your life
and not be a control freak,
but we saw you
at a coffee shop
kissing some hotsy-totsy lady!
Hotsy-totsy lady ♪
- Sorry, are you talking about me?
- Yes, you!
- Harlequin! Harlequin!
- Okay. That's the wrong word.
And also,
I'm his sponsor in AA.
But you were leaning in
and kissing him all
I was smelling his breath
to see if he was drunk.
When he told me
he was marrying
an old lady he just met,
I assumed he fell off the wagon.
But when I realized
he was sober
and really in love,
I was so happy for him.
Oh, so I probably should
have just stayed out of it.
One question
would have cleared that up ♪
Well, if no one else
has any objections
- Stop the wedding!
- Oh, damn.
- The game comes on in an hour.
- Ugh.
So who are you, and what's
your startling revelation?
I'm Burt, Helen's ex.
Baby, I can't stand
to see you with another man.
You know how jealous I get!
- Well, it took you long enough.
- What?
Look, the truth is, once a
year, I stage a fake wedding
to get my ex interested again.
And she always gets me.
Don't you?
Don't you, H-bomb?
But I love you!
I got a vasectomy for you.
Ugh. They're reversible.
Calm down.
Helen, you're a monster.
You scammed me.
- You scammed me.
- Yeah, sorry.
The love was fake, but the sex?
Very much real.
Come on, Burt,
let's wreck the buffet.
Don't tell me what to do!
Anybody else
want to marry this dude?
No?
Okay. I'm gone.
What a lying,
scheming con woman.
I'm more
in love with her than ever.
And now another man's
gonna be digging Helen's
Stop. I know you're hurting.
That's why I signed you up
at Telder,
- the Tinder for elders.
- Hot grannies in my area?
Annie, I don't deserve you.
- Password?
- Do we hook him up with Octavia?
Stavia!
My brother and I
danced through the night,
closer than ever,
until tragically,
he was crushed by Jack's
guitar amp and killed.
Anyhoo, he's dead,
and his sins
and wedding planning debts
are forgiven.
Crushed under an amp?
Annie, you were
supposed to say
- I drowned saving a boatload of nuns.
- Oh, you got me again!
Well, we did it.
- We ate the entire buffet.
- Hold on.
There's one slice
of wedding cake left.
In my experience, there's
only one way to settle this.
No-holds-barred
cage match to the death.
- Mom!
- I'm one hot mama.
- Dad!
- Ow!
- Kimberly!
- Oh, yes, Wic-can.
- Jing!
- I'm da bomb!
- Uncle Stan!
- I smoke outside now.
Mr. Mitch.
Sorry, y'all.
Munchies.
What up, ghost dude?
Take me to hell.