Family Ties (1982) s03e07 Episode Script

## I'll bet We've been together ## ## For a million years ## ## And I'll bet We'll be together ## ## For a million more ## ## Ooh, it's like I started breathin' ## ## On the night we kissed ## ## And I can't remember What I ever did before ## ## What would we do, baby ## ## Without us? ## ## What would we do, baby ## ## Without us? ## ## And there ain't No nothin' ## ## We can't love Each other through ## ## Ooh-hoo ## ## What would we do, baby ## ## Without us? ## ## Sha-la-la-la ## This is ridiculous.
Where do they come up with this stuff? What's the matter, Alex? All freshmen are required to take a Humanities course.
What's so bad about that? Well, the The choices are absurd.
I mean, listen to this one.
Humanities 1: Man, Society, Civilization, the Universe.
How am I supposed to relate to this stuff? Just don't talk in class and they'll think you're one of them.
Jennifer, I'm in college to learn about money, not people.
Alex, there's more to life than getting rich.
Jennifer, people who have money don't need people.
Oh, hey, hey.
Hey, Mallory, uh, could you possibly turn that up a little? I can still hear planes passing overhead.
Sure.
Hey, Mallory, look, help me out, will you? Hey.
I'm trying to go over my college courses here.
You know, college? Hey! Alex! Alex! That's the best that's ever sounded.
You've ruined my You're gonna pay for that.
Ah, another day begins here at Happy Acres.
Ah, ah, ah.
I haven't even had my breakfast yet.
I don't wanna know.
I'm beginning to get curious.
He put Ah, ah, ah, ah.
All right.
Okay, Dad.
Mallory's music was driving me crazy, and I overreacted.
I'm a little tense this morning.
Alex is just in a bad mood 'cause they want him to be a human at college.
Jennifer, they don't want me to be a human.
They want me to take a Humanities course.
Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
I don't know.
Dad, maybe you can help me out with this.
You, uh, have a commitment to social change, a love for the humanities.
Oh, look.
Some of these courses look pretty interesting, Alex.
Uh, why not sign up for Introduction to Abnormal Behavior? You could skip the introduction.
Hey, what about Psychology 3: I'm Okay, You're Okay? First of all, you're not okay.
And second of all, this is not a college course, it's a Phil Donahue show.
Well, okay.
Look, how about, uh, Sociology of the Family, or, uh, the Hotline? Hey, look: Marriage and the Family.
Wait.
No, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Dad, uh, Hotline.
What? What's that, Hotline? Uh, "The Hotline, a phone-in counseling center "where students earn credits "by handling callers' problems two nights a week.
Satisfies Humanities requirement.
" Yeah.
You know, this could be perfect.
I can, uh I can go to this Hotline twice a week.
I can bring along my books, catch up on my real courses.
Stuff that has nothing to do with people.
Watch it, will ya? Sorry.
Next time I'll signal before I turn.
Jarrett? Is that you, Jarrett? Keaton.
What are you doing here? I go to school here.
What about you? I go to school here too.
Hey, how did you get in? I thought they restricted the dull.
Obviously not.
So, uh, what are you doing in this place? I mean, a hotline center's the last place I'd figure I'd run into somebody like you.
Yeah, well, I'm, uh I'm here, uh, because I wanna help, uh, what do you call it? People.
You're more sensitive than I thought.
Hey, Jarrett, did I mention the fact that I won the McKinley Scholarship? Oh, that's not bad.
I won the Steadman.
I could've won the Steadman if I applied.
I just, uh, figured the McKinley was a little more prestigious.
Old grudges die hard, don't they, Keaton? What are you talking about, Jarrett? You still can't get over my beating you in the regional spelling bee in the third grade.
Hey.
Hey, you didn't beat me.
I simply refused to spell "Democrat.
" Who's next? BOTH I am! Well, it's nice to see you're both so anxious.
We like people with enthusiasm.
Let's sit down.
I'm Janice Worthy.
I'm James Jarrett, regional spelling bee champion.
This is Alex Keaton, came in second.
Ah.
Alex, I see you're an Economics major.
Most of the counselors here are Psychology majors.
I'm a Psychology major.
I'll get to you in just a second, James.
Uh, so tell me, Alex, do you know many emotionally disturbed people? Uh just family.
James, this résumé is quite impressive: worked with abused children, volunteered at senior citizens' home, volunteer playground director What'd you do in your spare time, train guide dogs? worked with guide dogs.
Very admirable, James.
Yeah.
He's a saint.
Let me explain how we work around here.
The Hotline is a 24-hour service for Leland students with personal problems.
Uh, yeah.
It's a It's a terrific community service.
And it also satisfies the Humanities requirement, right? That's right.
Great.
I'm ready.
When do I start? Your training program will start tomorrow.
As you become more comfortable with the job, we'll give you more responsibilities.
You won't actually be on the phone unsupervised for several weeks.
But we'll still get credit? Yes, Alex.
You'll get credit.
Oh, there's one more thing.
Trainees work in pairs.
You two will work as a team.
Us? Yes.
Any objections? No.
No.
BOTH I should be able to pull him through.
Okay, Jennifer.
Ask me another question.
What do you say to someone who calls with severe personal problems? I told you never to call me here.
No.
It says, "Speak in a soothing voice, and try to keep the caller on the line.
" I was so close.
Why don't you try a few, uh, practice calls, Alex.
You know, to help you get the feel of it? That's a good idea, Dad.
Uh, Mallory, you've logged more phone hours than anyone else in the family.
Anyone else in the world.
Why don't you, uh, give me a practice ring? Oh, okay.
It's ringing.
Hello, Hotline.
Why are you bugging me? I got a problem.
Let me guess.
It's a boy.
Right.
Let me guess.
Uh, you like him, he doesn't like you.
No.
I don't like him, he doesn't like me.
Then what's the problem? He's my brother.
Sorry, your time is up.
Whoa, that's James.
I gotta go.
Wait a minute, Alex.
It says that you shouldn't use your real name, you should have a code name.
Ah, good point.
I wouldn't want any of these crazed losers calling me at home.
Thank you, Mother Teresa.
Okay, well, it says here to pick a name that's positive, something like Faith, Hope, or Charity, but something that accurately reflects your personality.
How about Greed? Nah.
It's probably taken.
Ah, hi, Mrs.
Worthy.
Hi.
Sorry we're late.
It was James' fault.
Oh, thanks, teammate.
Anyway, we're here, ready to go.
Where is everybody? We're really understaffed tonight.
Allison and Peter have the flu, Robert has a midterm and I was supposed to be out of here an hour ago.
Oh, gee, uh, that's That's too bad.
I guess that means you're gonna have to close down tonight, huh? We'll still get credit for showing up though, right? We're not gonna have to close.
Tim will be here any minute for your training session.
Oh, great.
Tim's good.
Yeah, great.
I love Tim.
He makes us work hard.
All right, boys, see you tomorrow.
Good night.
Well, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna get some work done.
Listen, Alex, I'm gonna run up to the snack bar.
Can I get you anything? No.
I'm fine.
Hey, all right, man.
I was buying.
Bring me back one of everything.
Okay.
Ahhh.
All right.
Yeah.
Uh, Hotline.
MAN Hi, Alex.
It's me.
Tim.
Yeah.
Hi, Tim.
How you doing? Why didn't you use your code name? Uh, sorry.
I forgot.
Don't let it happen again.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, Tim, is that the only reason you called? No.
My car broke down.
It'll be at least an hour before they fix it.
Just close up and go home.
We'll make up the session tomorrow.
Okay, great.
Uh, oh, Tim, uh, one more thing Yes, Alex.
You'll get credit for showing up.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Yeah, Gandhi speaking.
MAN Gandhi? Yeah, Gandhi.
Oh, I must have the wrong number.
I-I wanted the Hotline.
No, no, no, no.
Don't hang up.
Hold on.
This is the Hotline.
I just, uh, call myself Gandhi because, uh, it's a code name.
All right? Uh, what's your problem? Well, uh, my My name is Bill.
Uh, just plain Bill.
And, uh, I Come on, come on.
I need some help here.
I I think I think I'm gonna kill myself.
James, it's for you! Coca-Cola! James, you're back.
Thank God! You must have been very thirsty.
A guy called who wants to kill himself.
Okay, okay, take it easy.
What did you tell him? I put him on hold.
You what?! Hello.
Thank you for calling the Hotline.
Are you there? Yeah, I'm here.
Who are you? This is Gidget.
Gidget? Yeah.
That doesn't exactly inspire confidence.
Where's the other guy? Where's Gandhi? Uh I'm here too, Bill.
We're both here, Gidget and Gandhi.
All right, let's try to be calm.
Let's just try to be rational.
Um what's the problem? Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life, you know? How's it going? I've been better.
You know, I- I-I spent all last week trying to come up with just one good reason to live, and I couldn't do it.
All right.
Okay.
Ah, well, let's Let's just, uh Let's think of the things that make us happy.
Okay? Uh, uh, books.
Uh, uh, plays.
Uh, music.
Uh, movies.
Movies.
There's There's a great James Bond festival over at the North Town.
Oh, yeah? What's playing? Uh, Live and Let Die.
Nice going, Alex.
Hey, you think you could do better? Yeah, I do.
Let me talk.
Hey, no, wait a minute.
I I answered the phone.
Guys, what's going on? I'll talk! Give me that.
No, no.
Hey, Jarrett! Hey! Well, it's been 15 minutes.
He hasn't called.
What could he be doing? Don't answer that.
All right, let's just review the conversation, and we'll try and we'll figure out out what went wrong.
Right.
Okay.
Uh, he called.
He said he wanted to kill himself.
I put him on hold.
We suggested he go to a James Bond movie, and then we hung up on him.
Uh, yeah.
Hotline.
Is that how you help? A guy says he's gonna kill himselfand you hang up on him? Bill.
Bill, you're back.
Bill, we're sorry.
It was an accident.
Now, are you feeling any better? No.
Worse.
Alex, use the manual.
Manual.
Uh, yeah.
Uh Uh, you know, Bill Uh, now, this is, uh, just off the top of my head, but I was thinking, um "Life can be a wonderful and splendid uh, thing.
" Hey, are you reading this out of a book? No.
No.
No.
Uh, don't be silly, Bill.
I'm just winging this.
Uh "Let's reflect for a moment "on all the positive aspects in one's life.
"We can do that, can't we? Insert name.
" You! You are reading this out of a book! I'm a person, not a hypothetical case! If you keep reading that book, I'm hanging up.
Look, Bill, give me a break, okay? I'm new at this.
I don't know what to say.
Yeah, well, I'm new at this too, but you don't see me reading out of a book.
Listen, uh, Bill, uh, can you hold for a second? Oh, great.
No.
No, I promise you I won't hang up.
Okay, but hurry up.
I don't have all night.
What are we gonna do? He, uh He won't let us use the manual.
Well Well, we'll just have to be ourselves.
And, uh, then, Bill Ahem.
in, uh, 1978, I entered junior high school.
I had to take a school bus for the very first time.
Of course, it didn't faze me.
Uh, Bill? Uh, you still there? Yeah, I'm still here.
I'm bored, but I'm still here.
Me too.
Guys, I appreciate what you're doing, but, you know, you're wasting your time.
Nobody cares about me.
Hey, we do.
And And we're gonna stay on this phone as long as you want us to.
Come on, you're just two guys who work at the Hotline and happened to show up on the wrong night, and I don't even know your real names.
Alex Keaton.
James Jarrett.
I didn't I didn't think you'd tell me.
Isn't that against the rules? Hey, Bill, at a time like this, everything just goes out the window.
Let me rephrase that.
Look, I Look, I know you guys are really trying, but you still haven't told me why I should keep living.
Think of the good things.
Think of falling snow, think of falling in love.
I know.
"Every cloud has a silver lining.
" Uh-uh, no.
Silver's down this week.
Say Say, "Every cloud has a zinc lining.
" Hey, see that, man? You're laughing.
I tell you, people who have really given up on life, they can't laugh.
That wasn't a laugh.
That was a chuckle.
Oh, come on, come on.
That was a laugh.
I know a laugh when I hear one, and you laughed.
All right, I laughed.
Sue me.
Come on.
Bill, if you're laughing, you must be smiling.
And And if you're smiling, you must be starting to feel good.
And you cannot kill yourself when you're feeling good.
It It spoils the mood.
Look, I know you guys are really trying, you know, but it's no use.
I just I hate life.
I hate feeling empty every day.
I I hate feeling sorry for myself.
I What? What is it? I'm scared.
Bill, everybody gets scared.
Do you? Uh, yeah.
Pfff.
Sure.
When? Hey, look, I thought we were supposed to be talking about you, not me.
Oh, I get it.
I have to answer your questions, but you won't answer mine.
No, it It's It's just that it's not easy for me.
Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
I get scared.
When? Uh, mostly at night.
You know, when the When the house is real quiet.
And I start thinking about my future.
I, uh I do.
I get scared.
Why should that scare you? You told me you've always succeeded in everything.
I have.
And, uh, that's why I get scared.
You know, because I'm afraid I might fail.
And, uh And, if I fail, I don't know how I'd handle it.
So I can't let myself fail.
I keep pushing myself to do better and better, and I keep trying harder and harder.
And I'm afraid that if I stop Uh, I'm sorry.
No, no, go on.
What? What are you afraid of? I'm, uh, afraid that if I slow down and, uh, I stop being the best and the brightest, and, uh, the wittiest that, uh I'll be nothing.
Wow.
That's exactly how I feel sometimes.
Like Like I'm nothing.
Well, we all feel that way sometimes, but we ride it out.
We work at it.
We fight the bad feelings.
Look, Bill, you called here, right? I mean, you reached out.
You don't wanna die, and we don't want you to die.
Do you really think every, uh, cloud has a zinc lining? Ha.
Absolutely.
I'm gonna hang up now.
Uh, what do you? What do you mean, Bill? I mean, I I wanna hang up, so I can get some sleep.
You know, then I can be fresh, and think this through, and find another way to deal with it tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
Did you, uh? Did you say tomorrow? Yeah.
Did you, uh? Did you hear that, James? I heard him.
We were afraid we goofed up, you know? Because we're new and, uh, we're so unsure of ourselves.
I kind of liked that.
It made me feel superior.
You guys were good, though.
Darn good.
Well, thanks.
Uh, but as good as we are, there are There are people who are better.
You have to get some professional help.
I know.
I will.
But it's gonna be hard to find somebody better than Gandhi and Gidget.
Thanks, guys.
Nice going, Keaton.
You're really something, man.
You weren't so bad yourself.
You know, listen, uh, about that stuff that I said, you know, about being scared and all of that.
Yeah? Well, you know that I was just, uh, saying that.
Oh, yeah.
I know.
I know you don't get scared.
Uh, James, can you keep the lights on?