Father Ted s03e07 Episode Script

(TV) 'It really is extraordinary.
' 'Strange, short emissions, 'which the patient shouts out, seemingly involuntarily.
' 'Firk!' 'Arpse!' Arse! 'Grals!' Girls! Dougal, there's nothing on.
Why don't you read a book? Oh, right.
No, Dougal.
Read a different book.
Actually, it's been a few minutes.
I'll see if there's anything good on now.
Honestly, Dougal, you've got to broaden your mind.
What are you reading, anyway? Well, I'm re-reading it.
William Shatner, Tek Wars.
Oh, no! This eejit! My lovely Mayo Mammy So gentle and so wise Rocking on your rocking chair, baking cakes and pies My lovely Mayo Mammy My lovely, lovely Mayo Mam It's Eoin! Father, isn't he lovely? He's a brilliant dancer as well.
Ugh! Now, it's time to announce the winner of my fabulous poetry competition.
You wrote a poem about me, and the prize is that I come to the winner's house for a cup of tea.
God! Can you imagine that! Oh, God! So, over I go to my poetry corner.
Ok, here it is.
This week's winner.
"Eoin McLove is his name, "Singing songs is his game, "Someday, I will say hello, and for a cup of tea, we will go.
" (All) Aw! And the winner is Mrs O'Neill from kildare.
And it says here, she's 110 years old! (All) Ooh! She also asks me what my favourite things in the world are.
I'd have to say Well, jumpers and cakes.
Oh, no! What's this? It's a little puppy with a broken paw.
(All) Aw! I'd better go home and nurse it back to health.
Goodbye, everybody.
(All) Bye! Hard luck, Mrs Doyle! Maybe next time.
There's one of his songs reminds me of the time my husband I've said too much.
I'll just go listen to his latest album.
He's brilliant! Ha, women! Where? No, I mean "Women!" Oh, right, yeah.
"Women!" - Tscha! - Tscha! Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em! Yeah! But there definitely aren't any women in here? No, you're fine.
Do you know what? I could write a poem for that show.
Be honest, the poetry Mrs Doyle writes will is bound to be hopeless! What would you write about? Ah, Dougal, inspiration can come from so many places.
Argh! No, no, Father Nolan was in the gas explosion.
Punched a hole in his chest the size of a football! They identified him with dental records! - Poor Father Nolan! - Yes, he's very low at the moment.
(Gasps ) (Gibbering) Oh, my God! Eoin Island! Calm down, what was that again? To Craggy Island Read out my poem! Your poem? Well, I wrote it as a surprise.
It was my poem.
No, no! It's mine! I'm sorry, Mrs Doyle, I don't think so.
What's the first line? "Eoin McLove has a happy face.
" That's not my poem! No, it's mine! Ha ha ha ha! I'm hugely confused, Ted.
The only thing I can think of that must have happened is that Mrs Doyle's poem was better than yours.
But that couldn't be, could it? That your poem was actually worse than Mrs Doyle's? That just couldn't happen, could it? Could it? - When's he coming? - Argh! - Tell us! - I can't.
It's a secret.
Thursday? Friday? Saturday? Sunday? Aha! I don't want anybody to know.
You won't tell anyone, will you? I swear I won't.
May I get struck down by every disease that it is known for a middle-aged woman to suffer from.
And as you and I know, that's a lot of diseases.
(Muffled gossip ) (Screams ) I think he's here, Ted.
The good news is, he can only afford a crappy blue Cortina.
- Imagine going around in that thing! - That's my car! Oh, right.
Still, you know what I mean.
Mrs Doyle, he's here! Is this the place? What is it? A mental hospital? No, it's a parochial house.
The winner is the priests' housekeeper.
- Better prepare the ground.
- So do I have to walk to the door? - Yes.
- I have to walk to the door meself? Yes, you have to walk to the door yourself.
Mr McLove will not allow any photographs apart from one official picture for advertising purposes or sign autographs in ink.
Mr McLove is not an equal opportunities employer.
(Mobile phone ) - Hello? - 'Hello.
Is Patsy there?' Yes, Eoin, this is Patsy.
I'm in the hall.
Will you let me in or will I knock on the door or what? Dougal, he's our guest.
- Let's do this for Mrs Doyle.
- Yeah, I know! I'm Eoin McLove, that's who I am.
- Hello, you're very welcome.
- I'll leave you, then.
- I'll talk to these two.
- Yes.
What if the old one speaks and I don't know what to say back? I don't know! And the thick-looking one? He's weird.
Eoin! I smell wee.
Where's that from? It's this one here.
This one smells of wee.
(Growling) Best step away there.
So where's the winner so I can go home for my tea? Actually, you can have your tea here.
Mrs Doyle! Hello.
Brilliant, she fell on her arse! (Spooky music) 586960.
Right.
That's your 20 minutes up.
I'm off.
Don't try to stop me.
Eoin, did you enjoy your tea? What? Don't know.
Yeah Whatever.
I want to go.
It's getting dark.
Are you afraid of the dark? It's only because the sun goes There's this It's got something to do with clouds! I want to get out.
How do you get out? Eoin, was there another poem that was very good this week? No.
Are you sure? The only other one was from this lunatic.
We called the police because it was so demented.
No, that couldn't be it.
I'll stop talking because I don't know what to say.
Hello, is Patsy there? Don't talk to me on the mobile, I'm right beside you.
What? This is a very bad line.
Patsy? Oh, no! Not again.
(Old ladies ) Eoin! Eoin! Ladies Go on home now.
Nothing to see here.
Go away, you dirty old biddies.
Eoin! I'm afraid we can't stay and chat.
I have a baptism tomorrow.
The baby has a very big head and it may not fit in the font.
It's like a big tide of jam coming at us but jam made out of old women.
I've got a bad feeing about this.
Let's get back in the house.
Go away! I don't want to catch the menopause! Let me in! Let me in! (Screaming) Oh, God, that was close.
- Dougal! - Hello! - I don't mean hello, I mean help! - Oh, right.
Aah! Actually, Dougal, that's my hand.
Try hitting the women's hands.
Ok, yes.
Sorry, Ted.
(Patsy ) Hello? Hello? The battery's dead.
What about your phone? They've cut the lines.
They lie in wait like wolves.
The smell of blood in their nostrils.
Waiting.
Interminably waiting.
And then He's right, Ted.
- What do they want? - They just want to mother him.
He's got nobody to blame but himself.
When you've got album covers like this, you're just asking for trouble.
I'm no good at judging the size of crowds, but I'd say there's about 17 million out there.
I'm hungry.
Where's the jam? You're not supposed to eat before your dinner.
You shut up.
I'm Eoin McLove.
I can do what I like.
I've got a terrible secret.
- Do you? - Yeah.
- What? - Not telling.
Eoin! - What? - Don't eat the jam from the jar.
Leave me alone! I can have you killed.
Get out! II was just cleaning the spoon.
I can't stand it.
- Why are they so quiet? - (Ted) Patsy! What do you want? What do you want?! Argh! It's all right.
She's one of us.
What? What? Yesyes.
Eoin, Mrs Doyle wants to know, would you like a cake? Who? - Mrs Doyle.
This woman here.
- Oh, right.
(Whispering) It's banana.
She knows it's your favourite.
God! I love that.
I'll eat that.
No one else is getting any.
This is all for me.
What's going on? (Whispering and laughter) - Oh, my God.
- What's happening? I'm scared.
I don't know how to tell you this but Mrs Doyle, in an unusual move, has baked a jumper in the cake.
I'm going to get sick.
This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm not wearing a cake jumper! This is horrible.
Yuk! (Sobs ) I'll eat the cake, though.
We have to get him out of here.
You know what we need? Something to lead them away from him, so he can escape.
Some kind of misleading event but what could it be? I know! A diversion.
That's what it's called, a diversion.
I know what it's called.
I didn't ask what it's called.
I want to know what the diversion should be.
Come on, come on, ideas, ideas.
(Rattling) (Muttering) Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls! Yes.
Thank you, Father Jack.
I think we need more concrete ideas than that.
What do old women like? Do you know what they really love? A big game of bingo! Let's lure them into some kind of giant bingo game! Right.
How would we do that? We could print some bingo cards on our printing press, then Oh.
Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there.
Or bingo balls, or a microphone or any bingo paraphernalia at all.
Damn! So near and yet so far.
(Banging on window ) What? No! No way! Go on home! Shoo! Oh, Father, we just wanted to tell you that was a brilliant Mass you did last Sunday.
Oh, well, thank you.
I was very happy with the sermon, actually.
Oh, yes.
How did it start again? Let's see "I think it was the actor Nick Berry who said" Sorry, Father, we can't hear you very well through the window.
Right.
"I think it was the actor Nick Berry who said" Oh! There he is! He's asleep! Isn't he lovely! Aah! You're not interested in my sermon! Why is the window open? I can't hold them back! Get upstairs! (Old ladies ) Eoin! Eoin! Eoin! Eoin! Eoin! Back! God! What are we gonna do now? (Chanting) Eoin, Eoin What are we going to do? I'm not so worried for ourselves, but the little ones.
They have their whole lives ahead of them.
Eoin, Eoin (Cock crows ) Stop! Stop! Ladies! It's after seven o'clock.
I think your husbands might be wondering where their breakfasts are.
Mrs Doyle's right.
Remember last year, Mrs Dunne? Your husband tried to wash a cup and burnt the house down.
And Mrs Collins, when Mr Collins tried to make the bed on his own and lost a leg.
Surely you can't let them get through a day on their own? Go on home.
(Spooky music) Hup! Hup! (All sigh) Can I have this duck? Right, we're off.
Did you have those cases when you came? No.
They're yours.
I just liked a lot of stuff here, so I thought I'd take it off with me.
Oh! That's very cheeky.
Well, I'm taking everything.
Come on, Patsy.
I'm sorry he's been so much trouble.
I think it has to do with his problem.
Oh, you mentioned that earlier.
What is it? I have no willy.
Right.
Don't you have something to say to Mrs Doyle? Er Thanks for the cake jumper.
There's bloody cake bits all over the place.
Father, you've been so kind.
Would you like to come up to the show? Father McGuire said you're always trying to get on TV.
No, no That's not true.
It is true.
You're always trying to get on television! You said it's your number one ambition.
Did I? I might have said that.
Joking, probably.
Anyway, I actually couldn't be bothered.
There's a new part in the show - we get an audience member to do a quiz.
- There's a cash prize.
- I'll do it.
Father, you've got four out of five right on your specialist subject, William Shatner's Tek Wars.
So, if you get the general knowledge question right, the £500 will be yours! (Audience ) Oooh! Oh, no! People will think this is rigged.
John Paul II.
What was his name before he became Pope? Jim?