Footballers' Wives (2002) s03e07 Episode Script

- I placed a bet.
- For 200 grand? - Jesus, Kyle.
- What is it with you two? Chardonnay never interfered in my finances.
- Who keeps you in clean knickers? - How dare you? (Conrad) This is bullshit.
Don't you recognise your own wife? She's duped you and me out of a million quid, Conrad.
You need help Conrad, please.
(Sobbing) - I was angry.
- You lay a finger on your mother again, I'll break both your legs and shove them clean up your backside.
I understand that you do eliminations.
Ah a curse.
I-I need an ambulance.
It's my husband.
(Mobile) Tanya Las Tanya Turner.
I don't know why you bother, Amber.
I know it's you.
And I'm gonna get my calls monitored.
Next time you'd better have something to say.
To the police.
- Nutter.
- Bitch.
You're really starting to get on my tits, Amber.
Excuse me, but I happen to have a lunch date.
- In the same restaurant as me? - (Gasps) Are you eating here too? Careful, Tanya.
I'm beginning to think you're following me around.
Lunch date, my arse.
She's off her rocker.
Oh, ignore her.
She'll get bored.
Truth is, she's doing me a favour.
You should have seen the piece of meat I had round to discuss my security.
There are plus sides to having a stalker.
I thought you only had eyes for Conrad.
Yeah, well, that's got to be handled carefully.
At least I'll have something pretty to look at now I'm out of purdah.
I mourned my budgie longer than that.
And he didn't leave me a penny.
Oh, I earned mine, H.
Frank got what he wanted and I assure you he died with a smile on his face.
Oh, remind me not tell you when I get a dodgy ticker.
Oh, I did everything I could to revive him.
- He was just too ill.
- Poor darling.
I don't know how you'll ever get over it.
- Amber.
- Teddy, darling.
Thanks for coming at such short notice.
It would have been more convenient if you'd come to the office.
You're always telling me you've got to be seen.
(Whimpers) Don't be so mad at me, you.
I'm really, really happy you could make it.
And we've got so much to talk about.
Yes.
I was going to call you anyway, to be honest.
Are you psychic? The new Guy Ritchie movie.
Well, you know how Madonna and I have the same Pilates instructor? Actually, we're pretty good friends.
I could ask her but I don't know if I want to put her in a position.
- Amber, love - No, listen to me, Teddy.
What I'm saying is, why don't we go through the proper channels, eh? I mean, it can't hurt.
Ask her along for drinks.
She could bring hubby.
You could bring a few names.
I'll work on Conrad.
He's mad at me Amber, look.
It's not been going well for a while, has it, honey? No.
No, I know, but I've I've had personal difficulties.
But, Teddy, I am bursting with new ideas for the product line.
Listen to this.
After we've cracked Japan, how about we go with perfumes, eh? We've bombed in Japan, sweetie.
The Yanks are dropping you so we have to downsize anyway.
As far as films go, let's concentrate on what's realistic.
No one in Bollywood is touching you right now.
Maybe it's time to look at telly.
OK? - Well, where is she? - She's got the flu.
She had the flu last week.
What am I paying her for? She sent a replacement.
People get ill.
There's no point in her giving it to us.
All right, you can stop showing off now.
I can see you're improving.
I need to know from Elaine if I can count on you the rest of the season.
If she's lost interest, maybe I should.
- She's sick.
- So I heard.
- You been knocking her about and all? - Roger! - Course not.
- No, of course not.
- Cos that won't happen again, will it? - No.
Been going to see that shrink I set you up with? Yeah.
Yeah, he's er he's really helpful.
Don't lie to me.
It just takes me one phone call to check you out.
Honest, boss.
I'm doing really well.
It's a new leaf.
I'm glad to hear it.
You won't mind me checking your laptop, then? He hasn't been gambling.
I can vouch for him.
These will vouch for him when I see his laptop.
It's fine, Mum.
I've got nothing to hide.
I'm clean.
Hey, Kyle.
You know, I'm only looking out for you.
You know that, don't you? You used to be a good kid.
That's what I need on the team, not some screw-up.
A cup of tea would be nice, Jack.
We want to take you in another direction for the moment.
- Michelle has a finger in the soap pies - Soap? Do I look like I'd be sucking down a pint at the Rovers Return, hm? And who the hell is Michelle? You're my agent.
If you want to work, you'll consider what I'm saying.
Michelle's the right girl for you, OK? She can give you the time that I can't right now.
I'm sorry, kitten.
You're free to go with another agency if you choose.
It's up to you.
If you want to stay with us, you'll have to trust us to know when we're wasting each other's time.
I have to dash, I'm afraid.
No time for lunch.
Bye.
What? Shit.
(lndistinct) Thank you.
You can say what you like.
We were close in the end, me and Frank.
At least you've got his shares in the club to take the edge off your grief.
Yeah, and don't you forget it.
The team had better pay off if I'm gonna live the way he wanted me to.
You know me, Tan.
I got the Midas touch.
Here's to old Frankie.
May he rest.
And here's to Tanya Turner back in town.
I thought the lads was winding me up.
It's a bit rough, mate.
I'm not shafting her.
She'll get a settlement.
No, rough for you, I mean.
Yeah, well, better off without them, eh? Sorry, mate.
Obviously I didn't mean Chardonnay.
Oh, don't be silly.
Whether we like it or not, here's to being single.
Yeah, cheers.
Listen, I'm gonna shoot off, all right? Yeah.
See you.
So, you and Amber, it's over for good, like? I'll give you her number if you're interested.
Might piss your girlfriend off.
I I haven't got a girlfriend.
I made it up.
I wanted to see what you if you'd care.
If I'd care? You were trying to make me jealous.
I love you.
Whoa You've got to be joking.
I could have fun with you, yeah, but I'm not in love with you.
And I'm into women in a big way.
Cool.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm flattered.
But you've got to forget that one.
No hard feelings, yeah? I'm sorry.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I can't help it.
I'm just the way I am.
There's nothing more than that to me and I don't wanna hurt you.
So you tell me yes or no.
No bullshit.
- Thanks for lunch, darling.
- Look after my investment.
I'll see you at the game.
- Oh, Jesus! - Step out of the vehicle, please, miss.
- This is a wind-up, right? - I believe you've been drinking.
Get your kit off and get it over with.
I'm in a hurry.
I said step out of the car.
Are you under the influence of alcohol? I had a glass of wine but that was with lunch.
Maybe you're right.
I'll do a bit of shopping before I go, make super-sure.
Please blow into this tube with one continuous breath until I ask you to stop.
(Cameras clicking) - Oh, for God's sake.
- Just the one glass, was it? You've provided a positive sample.
I did have a Bloody Mary, but that was hours ago.
You'll have to come to the station for further tests.
Oh, come on.
I didn't actually drive the sodding thing.
- You do know who I am? - I don't care if you're my mum.
I'm recently bereaved.
My husband just died.
I'm arresting you on suspicion of being in charge of a motor vehicle - whilst over the prescribed limit.
- I'm grieving.
You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when asked something you later rely on in court.
Anything you do say may be used in evidence.
(Siren) Elaine please.
I just need time to think.
You're hiding and I don't blame you, but we need to talk unless you quit being my physio.
- Maybe that's for the best.
- I was a dick but things have changed.
Someone else can work on my leg but it won't change the way I feel about you.
He's barred me from all the casinos and the internet.
To be honest, I'm glad.
You were all absolutely right.
I was losing control.
But I'm on the right track now.
I've even got myself a therapist.
What did she say? He said I was I was showing signs of addictive behaviour.
But we're sorting it.
- I can't be with an addict, Kyle.
- Jesus.
What do you want me to do? My wife died, I broke my leg, not to mention all the other stuff.
Paddy, Jason Turner.
You know what I've been through.
Look, erm You know I was an athlete before.
Sprinter.
I didn't think I had a problem.
It wasn't steroids.
Just Just something to keep my head above water with all the pressure.
Speed.
But I was kidding myself and five years ago I tested positive.
Blew the lot.
That was it.
Out of the Olympic team.
Bye-bye, Sydney.
Bye-bye years and years of training.
I'm sorry.
So, erm So then I got even more depressed and I needed them even more.
- Why didn't you tell me? - I wanted to.
I mean, I would have done, it's just That's my point.
You can never trust an addict.
Look at the way you lied to me at the races.
It took It took everything for me to kick it, Kyle.
And I don't wanna revisit that place for anyone.
I'm sorry.
Come on, I love you.
We can help each other get through it, yeah? Move in with me.
I can't do it without you.
Come here.
- (Buzzer) - 'Yeah? ' - Conrad, it's Tanya.
- 'What's up, Tan? ' I need to talk to you.
I'm sorry, but it's important.
(Gate buzzes) I don't know what to say, Tan.
You shouldn't have to deal with this shit.
I'll speak to her.
Thank you.
I know she's struggling but I just don't know how much more of this I can take on my own.
If I made it official, the press would have a field day.
I don't think that's fair on you or the club.
It's OK.
I promise.
And thanks for coming to me first, yeah? You're a special lady, you know that, Tan? I'm just - If things had been different - All I want is your help.
We're both grieving at the moment.
- You slut! - Oh, Jesus! - This is my house! - What the hell are you doing? Get out of the way! You can't have my life, do you hear me? Agh! Shut your bloody mouth, Amber! You see what I have to put up with? No! You don't know what she's like, Conrad.
- She's been planning this all along.
- You're out of your mind, sick.
Take the rest of your stuff and get out of here.
If you go near Tanya again, I'll have you committed.
Put these in a box.
I want to get her stuff here, make her feel at home.
Leave it to me.
She wants to tell Roger herself, so don't mention anything.
- OK.
- Cheers.
I'll get the rest of her stuff.
Kyle, I'm really happy for you, love.
- Well done, darling.
- Well done nothing.
Smiling? I'll be smiling when we win the Champions' League, that's when.
We're playing catch-up this season.
This lot can't forget it.
Yes, please.
They gotta know I'm on their backs.
Europe's where the money is.
Until we get there, I'm gonna keep my foot one inch away from their arses.
I'll tell you what.
I'll give you a smile a bit later on when we're alone.
Know what I mean? Cheers.
Couple more wins like that, I might take Webbsy's balls out of the deep-fat fryer.
You're all heart, H.
Nice one, Gatesy.
You won't be needing me in the team after all.
You wish, Pascoe.
Your holiday's nearly over.
Hey.
Just wondering what you're doing tonight.
You know.
Just for laughs.
Sorry, mate.
I got plans.
- Suppose I'd better get it over with.
- Want me to say something? No.
It should come from me cos he's my employer.
But I might have another gin and tonic before I do it.
- You out tonight? - I'm not sure yet.
Excuse me.
Looks like someone's got a crush.
What, Noah? He's a sweet kid, just a bit full-on.
(Chanting) - This is bollocks! - That is what you paid for.
What, talking tinky-winky over a bowl of chicken liver and potpourri? I don't think so.
I want results.
I told you it will take time.
A curse is a delicate thing.
Look, I've done everything you told me to do.
Wax doll, everything.
It seems I'm the only one doing the hard work, while she's running around like Princess twatting Diana trying to get into my husband's shreddies.
Look, perhaps if you were to make a full payment now You are kidding, right? You are not getting another effing penny from me.
You're sacked.
Jesus Christ.
You want something done properly - How did it go? - Good.
I think.
He's not pleased, I can tell, but he still wants me to work with you.
We just have to remain professional.
You're the only reason I'm here.
I ain't gonna work with anyone else.
- Did you know? - They wanted to tell you themselves.
Jesus, Jackie, are you with me Whose side are you on? Hang on.
That's my son there.
Who I had to half-throttle to stop him from beating you up.
- Now you're exaggerating.
- Am I? You phoned me in a panic and I sorted it out.
You can't be bothered to tell me about a bit of inside dealing? Come on, Rog.
You wanna talk about inside dealing, what about us? If you still want there to be an us, you'd better decide where your priorities lie.
I had enough of that from you ten years ago, Roger Webb.
If you're gonna start again, forget it.
Hey, Jackie Come here, Jackie.
I told her if she bothered you again she'd end up in court.
I don't wanna do it to her.
- She's been so much in my life.
- I know.
I know.
Shit, Tanya, it's like she's gone crazy.
Has she always been like that and I didn't see it? So let me make it up to you.
Take you out for dinner.
Are you sure that's wise? Just as friends.
I'd love it.
Just as friends.
Tomorrow night.
Ubon's.
I'll see you there.
Bingo.
(Sighs) I'll save you the bother, darling.
Tanya Turner's diary for tomorrow.
Morning: manicure and pedicure at home, then hair at Marco's.
Then, after a spot of light lunch, massage and sun bed at Tanners.
I've got a dinner date with Conrad, you see, and he likes me to look my best.
Little prezzie.
You're letting yourself go, love.
(Screams) How many times do I have to say that I'm sorry, eh? Between you and Kyle I'm just a punching bag.
Don't compare me to him.
I'm just saying, at the end of the day you're both footballers.
Kyle's had pressures you've never had.
All right, I admit he went a bit too far, but you're not so different, you know.
I would never raise my hand to you, Jackie.
Come on.
I mean, I've got a bit of a temper, yeah.
I was hurt.
That's right.
We're a couple.
I felt shut out.
I've got feelings too, you know.
I've got my pride, so I shouted.
If you want some corduroy boy who's all heart and no dick, let me know, cos I'm not that bloke.
No.
You're certainly not, God help me.
- Where you off to? - I'm going to a film premiere with Elaine.
So we'll leave you two lovebirds alone.
Make the most of it.
No more late nights once you're back on the squad.
(Elaine) Kyle, I'm ready.
(Kyle) In here, babe.
Wow.
Certainly makes a change from the tracksuit, eh? Yeah, it's lovely, isn't it? Kyle gave it to me as a moving-in present.
Anyway, we'd better get going.
- Yeah.
- Bye.
Have a nice time.
Tanya Turner.
Mmm.
What's that? "Shades of Rebecca as Pascoe's new girlfriend Elaine "steps out in a black satin backless one-off "formerly owned by his tragic ex-wife Chardonnay Lane.
"Or is Pascoe just too cheap to buy his date a new dress?" Who cares what they think? You said you hated the mad spending.
You looked great in it.
I can't believe you're defending this.
If that's all it was, why didn't you tell me? I didn't think you'd like it if you knew.
If I knew you were dressing me up as Chardonnay? I wonder why.
Come on.
You know it wasn't like that.
I didn't want you to look like her, I wanted you to have a nice outfit.
I found it when I was clearing out her stuff for you.
- It seemed like a good idea at the time.
- Believe me, you've had better ones.
- I'm late for my therapist.
- You'll have plenty to talk about.
Look, I'm sorry, all right? It was a bad idea, that's all.
Not some sick shit about Chardonnay.
I promise.
Come here.
Come here.
I'm sorry, yeah? I'll see you later.
- Anything else? - No, thanks.
Keep the change.
- And the other magazine? - What other magazine? - The one under the jumper.
- What are you talking about? I know who you are, you bloody thief! (Spanish accent) I want exclusive.
I don't want everybody talking to me.
We're a very private salon, Mrs Ramanay.
We cater for people who simply want a bit of peace and quiet.
That's why celebrities choose us.
Here we have the sun beds.
Yes.
I never use the sun bed, but here in this country I need it.
Behind reception you'll see every person has their own bronzing enhancer, made up by us to suit your skin.
You leave it here so you don't have to carry it round, then when you run out, we top you up.
Through here we have the standard tan.
I don't want to get skin cancer, do you know? Oh, don't worry, we only use the safest of equipment.
Yes, can I have the number for the Earls Park football club, please? Thank you.
(Mobile) Hi, Amber.
I'm looking rather good, even if I do say so myself.
Shame you're not around to see it.
Oh, well, I'm sure Conrad will appreciate the effort I've gone to.
Only a couple of hours to go now.
Ciao.
OK, thank you.
Nice to see you, Mrs Gates.
Let me jot you down and then I'll get your lotion.
- Excuse me - Just a tick, Lisa.
It's all right, darling, I can see it from here.
OK.
Slow down, mate.
If you get papped, you'll be done for a pisshead as well as a poof.
- They're gonna roast me.
- You don't know he recognised you.
He said, "I know who you are.
" He looked me right in the eye.
So hey, brace yourself and deal with it.
This is the 21 st century, love.
It's a long time since Justin Fashanu.
I don't think I can live like this, Conrad.
- Don't you worry about it? - Worry about what? I like sex.
Man, woman banana I don't care.
What's wrong with a bit of love? It's your own fear that's doing your head in.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
And if I get a bit of shit off the lads Oh, Christ.
Look, Noah, I've got a thing I'm going to tonight.
You can hang out here while I get changed, but I told you, I'm busy tonight.
I could call the press.
Tell them your boy's an arse bandit as well as a thief.
I'll compensate you for the theft.
These kids are under a lot of pressure.
How about 500? Don't make me laugh.
You know what I'd get from the News Of The World? Tell you what.
Let's call it a grand for your trouble.
But I wouldn't bother going to the papers if I were you.
I did some checking on my way over here.
You ain't exactly got a tip-top relationship with Westminster Council.
Dumping, leaking fridges, out-of-date goods.
I got a mate in the Environmental Health Department waiting to do me a favour.
My apologies once again.
And, oh, while I'm here You think you're gay? I'm bloody gay.
There's no think about it.
OK, I know I am.
And I've been a prick, right? Yeah, a total prick.
So now you've got it off your chest, you keep it to yourself.
Wait a minute.
I'm ready for it, Hazel.
It's my life.
No! Right now your life belongs to this club.
When you're gone, you can shag who you want where you want, but till then you use your hand and a magazine - preferably not stolen - or get on the phone to one of them sex lines and let some muscle bitch talk dirty to you.
I don't give a rat's arse so long as it's between you and BT.
Shit, man.
I thought you of all people would understand.
We're talking Neanderthals here.
I don't need it.
And nor do you.
And somehow I don't think Webbsy will take to a poof on the team.
- Call it instinct.
- You mean he's homophobic? He's a footballer, kid.
Wake up.
This ain't a request, Noah.
Just kick the ball.
Keep your personal life personal.
# When you feel like you can't go on # When you're weak and you need to be strong # Call on me # Oh, baby # You can call on me # You're asking the wrong guy, Kyle.
I'm sorry, cos I like you, but I'm still waiting for you to settle up for last time.
A couple of wins and I'll be able to.
- You listen to yourself.
- What am I supposed to do? Webbsy's bollocksed it for me.
I can't get in anywhere.
I need a game.
Something private.
Something discreet? Exactly.
How about something illegal? Are you still interested? # Fall into my arms # I won't push you away # You can call on me # If you're lonely # You can call on me # Turning heads again, Mrs Laslett.
It's Turner.
I thought I'd make an effort now I'm out of mourning.
Besides, Frank wouldn't want me moping.
Cheers to that.
It's good to see you socially again.
Yeah, you too.
You know I enjoy your company.
That's nice and cold.
Is it just me or is it really hot in here? I'm burning up.
And there's me thinking I'd lost my touch.
Actually, you do look a bit red.
- Have you been on the sun bed? - No.
It's probably nerves.
I've not been out much since Frank died.
Excuse me, could we get some iced water, please? Now, what do you reckon to the oysters? I wouldn't wish that on anyone, let alone someone as upfront and honest as you.
I'm not saying Amber's Jason by any means, but well, it just struck a chord, that's all.
What? Nothing.
I know where you're coming from.
That's what hurt.
Someone you thought you knew, messing with your brain.
Don't let it change you.
You're not allergic to oysters by any chance? Jesus shitting Christ! - Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Ben.
We talked on the phone.
- Yeah.
Yeah, come in.
- The winner! - (Cheering) All right, quiet now.
Quiet now.
Double stakes.
Quiet now.
Double stakes.
- For the pot.
Any takers? - Here, mate, I'll have some of that.
(Cheering) Anyone else? For the pot.
Any takers? I'll have a go.
(Shouting) (Man) Come on, son.
Listen, you know the rules.
We're not fussy.
(Shouting) Come on, then.
Come on! You want some? Go on.
You got some nice tunes, Eric.
What do you fancy? - Whatever you think.
- Something to get us in the mood? (# Electronic funk) So er do you wanna dance? - No, I don't really - Come on.
Go on.
Look, I'm not being funny or nothing, Eric, but can we get the money out of the way? - It just means that we can relax - Yeah, sure.
- 250, we said? - Yeah, that's right.
To start us off.
If you want any extras, just say and we'll sort it out later.
Yeah? - I've got some poppers if you fancy.
- Um It's the first time you've done this, ain't it? Cool.
Why don't we go through to the bedroom and just see what comes up? Yeah.
I'm feeling horny already, Eric.
You're the best gig I've had in months.
No shit.
(Shouting) Come on, then.
You want it? Come on.
Come on, show me what you got.
Come on! Fancy a smoke, Eric? No, I can't.
My erm job does tests, sort of thing.
What is it that you do, then? Um, sports, you know.
Teach kids.
(Laughs) Whatever, Noah.
No worries, babe.
Listen, discretion, it's all part of the job, yeah? I wanna be invited back.
You know what I mean? Cheers.
- No, seriously, I'm OK.
- (Conrad) 'Are you sure? ' - Trust me to be allergic to shellfish.
- 'Has this happened ' - No, it's never happened before.
- 'Tan, it's no trouble.
' No, honestly, I'll be all right.
- I could do with an early night anyway.
- 'Bye, then.
' I'll get some beauty sleep.
(Mobile) Listen, I'm OK.
Tanya, hi, it's Amber.
I hope you had a lovely time with my husband.
Oh, erm maybe I should have warned you.
I don't think he really goes for the Freddy Krueger look.
(Giggles) 'Sweet dreams.
' (Screams) - Take it to your lawyers, it's fair.
- No.
- And I'll be petitioning you for divorce.
- I don't think so.
Forget it.
Don't fight me.
I've been more than generous.
(Gasps) Clear your slate, Kyle.
You owe me 900K and I don't like IOUs.
- I'm sorting it.
- Are you just! (Shouting) (Rattling) (Tanya) Oh, my God!