Franklin and Bash (2011) s03e07 Episode Script
Control
The conference on the mound is breaking up.
And it looks like Kasso's gonna stick with Zach Harvin - to finish this one out.
- Zach Harvin's one out away from notching his minor-league-leading 30th save, but it looks like he's on empty, Jared.
- I'm not sure, skip.
- Peter.
It's Peter.
You know, skip, what I really like about those uniforms the blue it brings out in Zach Harvin's eyes.
Take a look at those eyes.
It makes you swim around in them, maybe take a home-run lap in them.
- Dude.
Dude, please.
- What? Hey! Anybody know the Heimlich?! 'Cause Harvin's about to choke! - That's the Heckler.
- You see what I'm talking about? - Zachary! - Yeah.
Yeah.
We see it.
Come on.
His eyes? You're the play-by-play.
I'm the color commentator.
Color commentator doesn't mean you commentate - on the color of his eyes.
- I comment on the color.
- Oh! Oh! - I got it.
Right here.
- Aah! Thank you.
- Hey.
Whoa.
Right here.
I never got one.
Never got one.
You could make my day.
Please? This could be the day I - That's it.
It's his turn.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
I get the ball.
I get the ball.
High and tight, low and away, then let's go get a beer! Hey, Zach! Zachary! I got your mom on the phone.
She says number 2 is about to take you deeper than a Chilean miner! That doesn't even make sense.
What does a Chilean miner and his mother I'll tell you, if someone doesn't shut this guy up, I will.
And that ball is driven deep to right.
- Going, going, gone! - Ohh.
Oh, yeah! Get out of here! Stars lose, and Zach Harvin blows the save.
I get it.
I get it.
Oh! Whoo! You suck 11 different cow teats.
That's how badly you suck.
You know, people come to Stars games to have fun, be happy.
Saturday night we're letting the little kids ride sheep bucking-bronc style.
Sheep rides? But, look, as your attorney, I got to tell you, if you don't let the adults ride the sheep, you could be opening yourself up - for a major discrimination lawsuit.
- Major.
I'll risk it.
Now, could we, uh, focus on the matter at hand? You have anti-obscenity rules here, don't you? Yeah, but he's never really obscene.
Good thing about baseball it's become a world international sport.
So, what's obscene about that? Nothing here, but in Spain, Portugal, and parts of the Baltic, you just called Zach's mom a whore.
- What? - I would say that qualifies as obscene in a multi-ethnic, family-friendly stadium.
No.
No.
There's no way.
Okay.
You know what, guys? I got rights.
Well, it says on your ticket that the stadium reserves the right to eject anyone using obscene gestures.
Yeah, go ahead.
Get him out of here.
- Okay.
- You know what? We are not done.
Thanks, guys.
I'm glad he won't be here for the second game of the doubleheader.
- Yeah.
- We're closers.
Oh, oh.
Got anybody on the, uh, old D.
L.
? What is that your golf swing? what's wrong, buddy? We rocked that.
Excuse me.
Charlie's got her second interview in San Francisco.
Why don't you just tell her not to take it? I can't.
I can't tell her to stay.
Nothing like women trouble, if you ask me.
I've been there.
Hey, can you, uh, push - Oh, no, we're, uh we're already going there.
- Oh.
- You're headed up to Infeld/Daniels/King? - Yes, sir.
Going up to see Rachel King.
Y'all know her? Yes, sir.
Got the scars to prove it.
Yeah.
She the woman troubles you're talking about? Yeah, but not the way you mean it.
She's my baby sister.
Yeah, that's right.
That is unbelievable! I should have never told you.
Ray gun's gonna kill me.
You never told us you were A teen beauty pageant winner, Ray gun.
- Hugh.
No call? - You might have said you were busy.
Oh! "Infeld, Daniels, King"? - Last? - I bat cleanup.
Third's not cleanup.
We're the baseball experts.
and it looks like we're playing both ends of the doubleheader.
We're needed back at the stadium.
- We got that clown thrown out.
- Maybe not.
Mandy.
Mandy.
I says it's urgent.
All right, before I go, just tell me what your talent was.
Line dancing? Pole dancing? Yodeling? Say it was yodeling.
Hey.
Okay, tell you what.
Say nothing if it was yodeling.
It was yodeling, wasn't it? Yodeler! Ray gun loves to yodel Ooh, what a mixture such a vivid picture ooh, what a mixture if I must say so myself Control Pascoe ag is taking over the whole valley.
Parkers sold their place.
Hargraves sold theirs.
What the hell, sis? This guy's a communist.
I bill at $800 an hour, Hugh.
And since you're not paying Well, I bought what was supposed to be grade-"A" champion bull semen from Pascoe AG.
And what I had to pay for the damn stuff, you would have thought that the calves would have come out slam-dunking a basketball.
But instead they were skinny and worthless.
So I contacted Pascoe, and they told me that I must have inseminated the cows wrong and ruined the semen, - which is a bunch of bull.
- Ruined semen? You couldn't have an Alabama lawyer try this case? I do have an Alabama lawyer.
You.
King family's got to stick together, right? Other than indignation and those same ugly boots you've been wearing since the '80s, what do you have? Well, I got a paper trail about a half-mile long and a veterinarian who will swear - that we inseminated the cows correctly.
- Fine.
"Fine" as you'll take the case? King family sticks together, right? - Don't.
- Don't what? Think about the Taft-Grant championship of '97.
Don't do it.
It'll drive you crazy.
- There were scouts at that game.
- I know.
You know what my box score was? Dude, it was 15 years ago.
How am I supposed to remember? Not to mention the two errors you had at shortstop.
Yeah, thanks.
Hey, guys.
Mandy? Hey, yeah.
Mike Dixon, the owner, gave me your number.
- Jared Franklin, Peter Bash.
- What's going on? What's going on is I gacked.
I coughed it up again.
- Zach, come on.
- I threw a fastball to Molina.
That's all he can hit.
I'm an idiot.
I cost us both games.
Collins could have helped you with that fly ball to center.
Yeah, with a jet pack, maybe.
That ball was smoked.
Thanks, Mandy.
He's in a slump.
He'll pull out.
He needs to do it right now.
There's only three games left in the season.
And Zach was looking at a September call-up to the show.
- "Was"? - I've been announcing a lot of Stars baseball, and I'm telling you guys, Zach had the goods to make it in the bigs until that Heckler showed up.
Well, the Hecklers in the majors are a lot worse.
Wait till he goes to Philly.
Yeah, Zach knows that, but this guy is beyond obnoxious.
- Yeah, but we had the Heckler thrown out of the stadium.
- Yeah.
I know.
But he's back.
- He is hanging out over there.
- Where? There's heckling, and then there's harassment.
This guy isn't a fan.
He isn't even a Heckler.
But he might be a stalker.
Well, that would help us.
Can you prove it? No.
There's been a lot of late-night hang-ups.
And one time he parked his R.
V.
outside of Zach's apartment and started blasting that stadium anthem song you know, "na na hey hey kiss him goodbye.
" - Steam.
Awesome track.
- Mm.
- Oh, man.
Now that's in my head.
- Yeah, I know.
All right, we'll take the case, see if we can get a restraining order, make him have to move the R.
V.
But I got to tell you, I don't know if we're helping Zach in the long run.
He's got to toughen up mentally.
Attention, young lawyers in love! The verdict is in! Teddy Lazlo, 1, Ren & Stimpy, 1! Tie ballgame! Looks like we're going into extra innings! You want to play, or you gonna take your tiny balls and go home? - I hate this guy.
- Let's do this.
So, Teddy Lazlo, we meet again.
Man, you've got a big head.
Either that or it's bobblehead night.
Heh.
I got to bobblehead night.
Stand-up comedian.
I tend to do the big-head jokes around here.
Look, we realize you're having a good time and all, but, uh Why don't you lay off Zach Harvin? He's just doing his job.
- Yeah.
No.
- You really hate the Stars that much? No.
I really like the Montclair Mongoose.
- They're not even playing.
- They're the Stars' archrival, and they're a game out of the playoffs.
Zach has a couple more outings like that, and the goose are loose! You're not gonna record that? Already did.
Patent pending.
- Excuse us a minute.
- Hey, knock yourselves out.
Seriously.
Although with that big head of yours, it might take some doing.
- Okay.
Well - This guy's a problem.
He's that one fan who could actually help his team.
How about if we bribe him? Offer him a couple bucks, he takes off.
Attention, young lawyers! Actually, not so young.
I'm using this megaphone 'cause you're having a hard time hearing me.
I'm gonna sit here, work on my base tan, cook brats on my hibachi, and enjoy America, and help the Mongoose win by heckling that guy.
Judge Dinsdale.
Oh.
Your uncle says you have a decent golf game.
Stanton and I need a fourth for a charity tournament out at Sawbridge this weekend.
Stanton didn't mention anything, but I am always happy to help with charity.
What's the cause? Somebody starving somewhere.
Africa, probably.
But this is really about my golf game, which is about to become much, much more important to me and possibly to you, too, if you know what I mean.
I think I do, sir.
Thank you.
Oh.
Meet me at the Sawbridge range this afternoon.
- We'll hit a few balls.
- Absolutely.
I'll be there.
"Honorable.
" If this Heckler's not a public nuisance, we got to figure out another way to shut him down.
Hey.
So, how's the case going? It's tricky, but, uh, we're working on it.
I envy you boys in the trenches, slugging it out in court.
You know, my foundation, it's a wonderful distraction, but I do miss the creak of the boards, the smell of greasepaint.
Theater.
You know, a well-argued legal motion is very like a perfectly executed play.
You know, I worked my way through law school - as a stagehand in London's west end.
- Uh, sir, excuse me.
- The Heckler is a Mongoose fan, right? - Yeah.
They had a home game today.
Uh, actually, I hadn't quite finished telling you the story about the west end.
We got to get Carmen to get more info on this Teddy Lazlo and his R.
V.
Yeah, Zach may have to pitch tomorrow, so we got to try to get an injunction.
You're gonna convince a judge that getting heckled - is worthy of an injunction? - Yes.
Yes, we are.
Sir, how would you like to get back onstage? "Once more into the breach, dear friends, once more or close the wall up with our English dead.
" - Hmm.
- "Henry V.
" - Shakespeare? - Is that a "yes"? - Yes that is a "yes.
" - You didn't have to do the "once more" thing, 'cause that just threw me.
Yes! Yes.
Hmm.
- Hi, neighbor.
- Hi.
Hi.
Good.
Come on in.
Oh, I can't.
I just came to drop him off.
Oh.
Well, I'm sure that Pindar will be very happy that the band is back together.
You sure you don't want to come in? I can't.
I have a million things to do.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- Oh, one thing, though.
Um, your loquat tree, it's been dropping fruit in my backyard, and potential buyers are getting all their shoes messed up.
Yeah.
Uh, I'll cut the branch.
- Please.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
All right.
- Okay, cool.
- Okay.
All right.
- I-I'll see you? I'll call you.
- Yes.
Sure.
Okay.
Okay, great.
Thanks for this.
Insemination isn't just about the inseminating.
It's also about the storage of the semen.
The semen was stored in a liquid-Nitrogen tank.
I've inseminated dozens of cows at the Kings' ranch since I graduated from cornell college of veterinary medicine.
The ranch did nothing wrong.
Good enough to get it to a jury.
Motion to dismiss denied.
Mr.
King, do you have any remaining semen - from the lot you were sold? - I do, ma'am.
I want the semen lot numbers traced and tested.
Your honor, that is why Zach Harvin deserves an injunction protecting him from Teddy Lazlo.
- Mr.
Beraka? - An injunction against a fan cheering? How about an injunction against apple pie and America? Nice rug! Not you, your honor! You, counselor! I'm not wearing where's that coming from? How about an injunction against Teddy the Heckler - from the poor chair he's sitting in? it's over here.
That's cruel and unusual punishment! Ha ha! Is that the best you got? Still better than your stuff! - Now, where's that coming from? - Down here.
- Mr.
Infeld? - I have no idea, your honor.
- I'm not a ventriloquist.
no, over here.
No.
The other way.
I love doing this from here.
I might never go to court again.
Imagine what we could do to Pindar.
I know you must be perturbed, your honor with all this ruckus going on outside.
Hey, judge regal! I know what you're wearing under your robe! Really? Naked under the robe.
- That's where you're going with this? - Another robe! That's how boring you are! Ha! - Better.
- I know I could barely do my job - with all this pandemonium going on.
- Here I am.
Nope.
Nope.
- And, yes, your honor, it should be stopped.
- No.
Over here.
No.
The other way.
- In the same way that Zach Harvin's harassment - You're getting warm.
You're getting warmer.
at the hands of Teddy the Heckler should be halted by injunction.
How many bailiffs does it take to find us? - Ha! Under penal code section 415, harassment - Not enough! You know, if you're trying to equate booing a baseball player Oh, no.
Cold.
Colder.
The other way.
No, no.
with what Franklin and Bash are doing in this courtroom today Franklin and who? Those don't even sound like real names! Your honor, I-It's more than booing and jeering.
This is harassment.
And quite frankly, I think it goes beyond the pale.
You want beyond the pale? We'll show you beyond the pale! Suck on this! You ready? Hold, please! I-I'm tapped.
Carmen? - Oh, I'm the getaway driver.
- All right.
Hecklers rest! Thank you.
It's a valiant effort, Mr.
Infeld.
But this nonsense, while annoying, in no way affects my ability to do my job.
Are you certain, your honor? Because I-I see the veins in your neck.
They're they're beginning to throb.
Fan passion bordering on Vitriol is as old as the game, so tell your client to get his panties out of a wad and play a little baseball.
And your request for an injunction denied.
- Thank you.
- Hello? Goodbye! Leave a message! I think that went well.
I think they get the picture.
- Uh, we should go.
- Watch where you're going.
- Watch where you're going.
- Oh, I am! I am! - You're going backwards.
- Go that way.
Okay.
- I'm on it.
I'm on it.
- Go, go.
Right there.
North! Ha! I can see why you want to do more of this.
- Oh, yeah? - It's meditative.
After all those years on the bench, you deserve a break.
It's no wonder Stanton didn't ask you to play.
You have a very odd backswing.
I-It works pretty well for me, your honor.
And you hold your club like I hold my johnson.
Is is that a bad thing? I'm mean, I'm not familiar with how you hold your johnson, but If I don't beat Millikin, it'll be another year of him strutting around here like the cock of the walk.
Millikin? This isn't about your retiring.
This is all about beating that guy Millikin? That's why golf's becoming more important to you? You know, I could make an origami swan in the time it takes you to pull your club back.
Ohh! Oh! Can you fix that? I-I don't want to be out here playing "hit the ball and drag Karp.
" Good one, your honor.
I still can't believe we lost.
Really? I'm always more surprised when we win.
Oh, look who it is.
Hey.
Solid getaway driving yesterday.
- Thank you.
- Best getaway-drive scene? Fixing the hyperdrive on the Millennium Falcon, - "Empire Strikes Back.
" - Good answer.
It's a great answer, but I cannot allow it, 'cause I said best getaway "drive," - Not "fly.
" - Not "fly.
" The correct answer would have been "the Driver.
" - Classic Statham.
- Um, hello? What did you find out about Teddy? Teddy is a stand-up comedian - A really bad one.
- We knew that.
He does open-mike night Mondays at the Yucks Hut, - Thursdays at Boo-Ya! - That doesn't pay the bills.
Well, his day job is at Petmax.
He does this bit about what the pets do after the store closes.
It's excruciating.
How does a struggling comic who works at Petmax - afford that R.
V.
? - Well, I asked him.
All I got was that it was paid for in cash.
He doesn't seem to know much about it.
Like someone else bought it for him.
Someone who hates the Stars enough to pay a comic to get in the head of their best reliever? The Montclair Mongoose go that far? We should ask the Stars' biggest fan.
Excuse me.
Charlie.
Charlie.
- Hey.
Is everything okay? - Yeah.
Why? I have three missed calls from you.
I was calling about the loquat tree.
- What? - Pindar says that gardeners were cutting down the branches, so Yeah, I just decided to take care of it myself.
Listen I'm running late for this interview.
How's it going up there? It's good.
Um Peter, I I don't think we should see each other anymore.
You're breaking up with me? On the phone? This really isn't easy.
- You're making it sound pretty easy.
- Peter, I'm sorry.
I just really think this is best for both of us.
I have to go.
Hey, we got to get back to the stadium.
We split up.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Let's go.
Give me some good news.
Turns out the semen you got wasn't contaminated.
It just didn't come from Bodacious, the champion bull.
I got imposter spunk! These guys are bigger crooks than I thought.
- What? - How did you know it would be good news? Well, I mean, how do I know that honey's sweet? I mean, it's just the truth.
That smile that's why I can't have you testify.
I don't need to testify.
I got you.
Beside, Pascoe's gonna pay now, right? No.
They're sticking to their guns.
Well, that's a big mistake against the King family.
Big mistake.
And it looks like Kasso's going to bring in Wiznewski to save this.
"The Franchise," as he was called when he joined the Stars, hasn't seen much work lately.
Let's see how he does right after these words from MacMurray Plumbing.
This should be Zach's save.
Now I'm gonna have to interview "Wiz.
" He loves to talk.
- I take it you'd rather interview Zach? - Look, I don't think another team would pay Teddy to do this to win.
As much as the guys love to win, the minors aren't about championships.
They're about feeding the majors, launching careers.
If it's not about wins and losses, maybe it's just someone messing with Zach, not the team.
Yeah, 'cause it's not hard enough to make it in baseball without fighting a personal vendetta.
Zach have an ex or angry business partner, - somebody who hates him? - Uh, guys? Warming the bench, Cupcake Queen? Zach? No.
He's a really sweet guy.
Everyone loves him.
I'm sure that's true, but that sweet guy is about to beat the crap out of the Heckler.
Hey! Cupcake Queen! I'm sure they'll just use their words.
Oh, sure.
- Oh.
- Nope.
You're done.
Yeah.
You're doing time, pal.
Bye-Bye.
Zach, you weren't even in the game.
- How did he make you lose it? - I didn't lose it.
You smashed every window and light in his R.
V.
- You murdered his hibachi.
- He called me fat.
- I'm sorry.
What? - He called me fat.
"Fat"? That's it? Well, I mean, after all the filthy crap he said about my mom, my aunt, my sister, yeah, fat was just kind of the last straw.
Well, you're you're not.
You're not fat.
You look great.
I've put on a few pounds, all right? I stress eat.
I've been mowing cupcakes at my locker, and so when he made a crack about it he called me the cupcake queen it was just sort of the tipping point, and I might have lost it, yeah.
Zach Harvin? Victim's refusing to press charges.
- You're free to go.
- Really? - Yeah.
Must be your lucky day.
- Thank you.
- Not exactly.
- What's wrong? I'm suspended for the rest of the season.
You think somebody paid this comedian guy to do this, right? Seems like it.
Well, whoever it is, looks like it paid off.
If I'm out for the season, I've got no shot at making it to the show this year.
- Zach, don't give up.
- I'm not.
But, you know, I'm 29.
That's like 79 if you're still throwing in the minors, you know? I'm running out of chances.
And I'm just stupid enough to try again next year, though.
Excuse me.
- Let's not give up on this season.
- No.
Not yet.
He's not skinny Hi.
- What's up? - I miss small towns Everyone in everybody's business.
No one forgets prom.
- Remember Ray-Ray Barker? - Mm-Hmm.
I called him to see if he had any bad dealings with Pascoe.
He was real happy to hear from me.
Something tells me this isn't idle family chitchat.
I want to know where you got money to pop for a hunting trip for you and your pals to Alaska, since you say Pascoe is gonna put you out of business.
Because I figured you were so damn good, you were gonna get damages.
Or you figured you'd buy some grade-"A" sperm from Pascoe, sell it out the back door, and use your own bad bull semen to make some lame cattle so you could sue.
You make money on both ends.
That's quite some story, Rachel, but I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
You've got the official report.
You got sworn testimony from my sperm lady saying that I've been ripped off.
And, by the way, as my lawyer, it's your sworn duty to take care of me to the best of your ability.
Always looking for a way to cheat.
Oh, so I'm the family cheater, am I? How about if I go out there and tell your little - fancy lawyer friends who really cheated? - You can't be talking about You're damn right I am.
I'm talking about Chattahoochee.
- I was 17.
- Big deal.
- You're right, Hugh.
I did cheat.
- Damn straight.
So what's to keep me from walking into court tomorrow and doing exactly the same thing again? To you? Guys, look.
I like Zach.
I did him a favor suspending him.
Oh, sure, and ending his career.
That Heckler was gonna press assault charges with a stadium of witnesses.
Look, at least, this way, Zach stays out of jail.
And his major-league dream is gone.
Just give Zach one more shot.
Tonight's game he blows it again, y-you cut him loose.
It's too late.
The big club needs a closer right now, and they already called me about Wiz.
Frankly, they need to call Wiz up.
They paid him a lot of money just to sign him.
Wiz is a bonus baby? How much did he get when he signed? Half a million bucks.
Now, look.
Guys, I'm sorry, but I got to go.
- Thanks for your time, Mike.
- Sure.
Bonus baby.
Wiz is a b I could have been a bonus baby.
That damn Granada hills game.
Will you stop? You live in Malibu, you work for a big law firm, - we get to help people like Zach.
- Yeah, so let's help him.
I'm just saying, I could have been a bonus baby.
You know, what Dixon said, half a million dollars t-that could easily buy a $50,000 R.
V.
Yeah, Wiz could make that back and a hell of a lot more with a September call-up.
- You think he's behind this? - You up for another Stars game? Batter up.
- So, Charlie won't call you back? - No.
I just want to hang out with her before she splits, you know, but I guess that's making it hard for her to leave.
I don't know.
Maybe we should both move on.
Move on? Oh, come on.
- R-remember Kona, those girls with the boyfriends? - Yeah.
What if we had moved on from that? We wouldn't have gotten our asses kicked in the hotel lobby.
- That's true.
- I'm pulling back.
- Let her come to me.
- T-that's not what you do.
You're a romantic.
You commit, fully.
- You write love songs.
- Damn good ones, too.
- Well, they're solid.
- That's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna write her a song.
That's a great call.
- Why didn't I think of that? - That's not at all what I was saying.
But you're in the ballpark.
- What are you saying? - I'm saying use your strengths.
You're Peter the badass lawyer.
Be that.
- Hey, Wiz! Good luck tonight.
- Hey! You know, I'm just happy I could step in.
And tell Zach I'm sure he'll turn it around.
Yeah, I'm sure he'll turn it around.
Probably not in time for the call-up, though.
Hey, you notice that Heckler out in left field? Fat guy? I'm glad Zach went after him.
Guy's an asshole.
- Hmm.
- Did you hear when he called Zach a cupcake queen - right before Zach went nuts? - Yeah.
"Cupcake queen.
" No, I was pitching, so Oh, that's right that's when you were called up to take Zach's spot as the number-one closer.
- I got to get inside.
- You know, funny thing is, Zach only ate cupcakes in the locker room.
- You know, I-I played ball myself.
- He was pretty amazing.
Thank you.
And one thing I know is what happens in the locker room, it stays in the locker room.
Well, but Teddy wasn't in the locker room.
How did he hear about Zach's little cupcake secret? No idea.
You guys enjoy the game.
You too.
What do you think? I think we've found the Heckler's sugar daddy.
- Now we just got to prove it.
- Yeah.
- Ahh.
Felt like a cop.
- I did.
I did, too! - I know, right? - It's cool.
Search everything on Trent "Wiz" Wiznewski and Teddy Lazlo.
We got to find some connection between the two.
We need to prove that Wiz hired Teddy to harass Zach.
- We do, it's conspiracy.
- Right.
And if Zach's a victim of conspiracy, then Dixon might reinstate him.
And then Wiz heads down to I don't even know what's below the minors.
- Zachary! I got your mom on the phone.
- Oh, you're not gonna believe this.
Teddy's heckling video is on youtube.
So what? So is my mom's cat wearing a birthday hat.
Yeah, but she doesn't have two million views.
She should.
Teddy's cashing in on this.
He's using it to get famous.
- So unfair.
- And unfunny.
Okay, none of this is getting us any closer - to linking Teddy and Wiz.
- Unless it does.
Didn't Mandy say that Wiz likes to be interviewed? You think he'd like to talk to her about how good he's doing - since he's had more time on the mound? - You got a plan.
I think I do, but you're gonna have to do the legwork.
I got to prep for small-claims court tomorrow.
Yeah, you do.
- Plaintiff calls Hugh King to the stand.
- What the hell are you doing? - Uh, just one moment, ma'am.
- Certainly.
- You said you weren't gonna call me.
- Things change.
- Well, I can refuse to testify.
- And everyone in this courtroom will think you have something to hide.
I've inseminated my fair share of cows over the years.
I mean, not personally, mind you.
Objection.
Overruled.
But ill-advised, Mr.
King.
Where do you come down on cheating, Mr.
King? - I'm opposed to it.
- Me too.
But I've cheated before.
Chattahoochee, Alabama, the junior miss Alabama pageant.
- I won.
- Objection.
Relevance.
I'm not surprised miss King won her share of pageants, - but what does this have to do with it? - A little leeway.
I promise the relevance will become clear.
I hope so.
When I was a kid, I worked the pageant circuit.
I hated it.
But the junior miss Alabama pageant came with a college scholarship.
I figured "one last time.
" There'd better be a question soon, miss King.
It was between me and miss Tuscaloosa.
She'd have beaten me.
But I broke into her room and turned up the heat.
Five degrees.
She didn't notice.
But her hair In Alabama, it is all about the hair.
Me and my perfect '70s feathered hair took the title, which got me into college and away from my family.
Question time.
Now.
Isn't that what happened here? Someone didn't play by the rules? - Someone? - Yes.
Pascoe ag.
You're an expert on all things bull-related, right, Hugh? - I know my way around livestock.
- You'd think Pascoe does, too.
And yet they didn't file the chain-of-custody papers confirming the delivery of Bodacious' sperm until two days later.
Objection.
This is a technicality.
So was turning up the thermostat in that girl's room.
Well, actually, yours was a little more than a technicality.
But I see your point, miss King.
The law's the law.
It makes you wonder whether other technicalities were violated by Pascoe.
Of course, that's none of my business.
For now.
Your honor, if I may have a moment to speak with my client? Good idea.
And, miss King, I'm ordering you to track down that Chattahoochee runner-up, - tell her you're sorry.
- Thanks, your honor.
I already have.
Glad you guys worked that out.
See you, guys.
- Hi.
Thanks for coming.
- Really? You're suing me over a tree.
Wow.
You look good, by the way.
You've made me come all the way downtown.
Well, you made it very clear you didn't want me calling anymore.
Bash vs.
Elwin.
Are the parties present? Yes, your honor.
We are.
As you can see, your honor, the tree is on my property.
It grows fruit beautiful, succulent loquats.
Did you know that loquats, when ingested, can produce a soothing sedative effect? Here.
Try it.
- I don't think so.
- Please? Trust me.
You'll be happy you did.
- It's good, huh? - It's sweeter than I thought.
I have more.
Mr.
Bash, are you hitting on the defendant? No, your honor.
I'm suing her.
I'm suing her for chopping down my branches that were only guilty of showering her with sweetness.
You see, that's the thing.
I have a lot of food on my plate right now, and I don't want the fruit calling me every 20 minutes finding out how I am.
I have a 10-year-old daughter who needs my full attention with everything that's going on.
- Okay, that that's fair.
- But There are still some branches growing on my side.
I only cut one down.
And now that I've had a taste, I think that I want some more.
I just need some time.
So if we could continue this discussion at home? Yes.
Okay, good.
That's all I wanted to know.
Excuse me.
Case resolved? - Case resolved.
- Yes.
In that case, I will take the matter off the docket.
No court fees to be paid by either, and No! Take that outside.
Thank you for joining us, Stanton.
I need your short game to win this tournament.
Well, I can't promise you'll win the tournament, but I'll beat you.
Oh? Care to wager on that? - Certainly.
Name it.
- Okay.
Uh, if I win, you stop regaling me with those tall tales like your double eagle on the fifth hole at St.
Andrews? - I used a 2-Iron with a hickory shaft - 2-Iron.
Shaft.
given to me by the great man himself, - Bobby Jones, when I was 10 years old.
- Bobby Jones.
Yes.
By the way, did you know that Bobby was also a lawyer? Oh, yes, I do, because you've told me a thousand times! Thank god I'm riding with Damien.
All right, fair enough.
I accept your terms.
Now here are mine.
If I win, you retire from the bench and quit sending everybody mixed messages.
You and your nephew are incorrigible! Why don't you just plant your foot in the small of my back and push me over the edge? I will, but I've got to put my spikes on first.
Ha! So, the Wiz interview is a go in 45 minutes? Great.
You're gonna have an extra visitor.
Thanks, Mandy.
Go Stars! - Go Stars.
- We're good to go.
- Okay, then.
- Let's bring in everybody's favorite comedian.
- It's - Teddy! Thanks for coming in.
Have a seat.
How you doing, buddy? Can we get you anything? - A tuna melt would be nice.
- Ha.
Ah.
That's not a joke.
- No lawyer? - I don't sweat you guys.
Well, you should have at least brought your agent.
Yeah! Dude, you are all over youtube.
You've gone viral.
Fellas, I've gone plague.
- 2.
2 mil on funny or die.
- Whoa.
After working crappy clubs the last the annoying bleacher bum, right? Hey.
It worked for Larry the Cable Guy.
Of course, he owns his material.
You don't own yours.
What are you talking about? I wrote it.
Oh, that doesn't matter.
Yeah, because if someone's paying you to heckle Zach, they own all the material you're doing at the stadium.
- What do you mean? - Work-for-hire laws.
Yeah, I can't imagine you'd be dumb enough to have a written contract on that so-called deal of yours.
And an oral contract, if questioned, reverts to basic contract law, which says the payer of the work, he owns the material, not you.
And all those lame-ass jokes, pow! - Those jokes are mine.
- And if your deal was with Wiz, I wouldn't count on getting them back, 'cause someone who would stab their own teammates in the back probably not the best business partner.
Yeah, Teddy, I don't think you're gonna have much time for that tuna melt.
You guys are full of crap.
It's not nice when someone messes with your livelihood, is it? You have to pull the club back in one easy motion.
Don't pause in the middle.
I get my lessons from a club pro, your honor.
Ooh! Money well spent.
- Oh! - Christ on a crutch.
Can't you Okay, hounding me is not helping! Okay, uh, put Nancy down for an 8, - and we'll move on.
- You know what, ass-hat?! I have had it with your bigoted old-man bullshit.
I didn't want to be here.
I don't even like you.
I just wanted your seat on the bench.
And now all I want is to get through this round alive.
And if you want to get through this round alive, I suggest that you back up and shut up, or I'm gonna bury this - You got me? - Damien.
Mr.
Hughes, I think I saw a ball washer two holes back.
Shall we? Oh, my god.
I'm sorry.
I mean, you're an asshole, but I should not have Oh! You should have.
Weeks ago.
- W-What? - I was just testing you, waiting for you to stand up, and you finally did.
Now I'm ready to retire, and I'm ready to name you as my replacement.
S-So all the racist stuff and all the lecherousness Lecherous stuff is yeah.
But not Thank you.
But let's just keep it to ourselves for today, okay? Of course.
Sorry about that "ass-hat.
" I liked "ass-hat.
" It's better than "ass-jacket," which is what I was called several weeks ago by a young attorney.
I want to thank everyone for coming here on such short notice.
Just tell us why we're here.
We have a game.
I hear you've been meeting with scouts.
Going to the big club? Zach.
Okay, look.
We both want to go to the show.
It's not my fault you got the yips and the scouts came to me.
Actually, Wiz, it is.
All right.
Thanks, Wiz.
This will air on the local news tonight.
- Thanks, Mandy.
See you soon.
- I'll see you at the game.
- And we are out.
- Hey! Hey! What's this? We don't want to see this.
- I'm sure you don't.
- And I won't see it in court.
My client has a reasonable expectation of privacy.
So whatever it is, it wouldn't be admissible.
Is privacy really a reasonable expectation When you're being interviewed? I mean, there is a microphone.
It does look like you're wearing some sort of concealer? - Definitely wearing concealer.
- And there's a little blush, but, I mean, - you have to wear that on camera.
- I think it looks good.
- Great.
Especially with the ponytail.
- Yeah.
Fine.
Let's see it.
You gonna screw me? Huh? What are you talking about? You shouldn't be here, man! Just because you paid me to hassle that guy those jokes are mine.
Fine.
Keep them.
Just keep doing what I paid you to and keep Zach from throwing strikes, all right? So get out of here.
Look, man, I'm just trying to make it.
You know what that's like.
Screwing my friends, my teammates? No, Wiz.
I don't know what that's like.
You're off the team.
You're probably out of baseball.
- Get ready to go tonight.
Come on.
- Yes, sir.
- Thanks, guys.
- Yeah, man.
- Congrats.
- Good luck tonight.
I owe you one.
- What about me? - You, we got on conspiracy, tortious interference with business relations.
Don't worry.
You can still perform.
- You've seen "Johnny Cash at Folsom prison," right? - No.
Then never go to one of Zach's games again.
Come on.
I got us a surprise.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
All right, let me see if I got this straight.
You think that if I take batting practice from a major-league-level pitcher, that it'll somehow exorcise my demons from the Granada hills game? That's the general idea.
All right.
Bring it on.
Who's this pitcher of yours? Randy! - Dude, that's Rrandy Johnson.
- Yeah.
- He has like five CY young awards.
- He's got exactly five CY young awards.
- How did you get him? - Infeld did his power-drink contract.
- Come on.
- Oh.
He throws the ball like 100 miles an hour.
Well, he's retired, so 95 miles an hour.
- But if you're getting cold feet - Hell, no.
Hey! Randy! I mean "Big Unit.
" M-Mister Unit.
- Randy's fine.
- Okay.
- Thanks for doing this.
- What's going on? - Step on in.
- Okay.
Thanks, dude.
All right, Randy.
None of that warm-up B.
P.
stuff.
I want your heat.
- Oh! - Stee-rike one.
All right.
I-I'll take the warm-Up stuff.
Let's say you didn't go 0 for 5 that day and the scouts signed you.
Would you give up everything you have now for that? In a second.
Strike two.
- I think I pulled my spleen.
Shut up.
- Chin up.
Yes! Yes! I'm back! - Look at that.
- Whoo! Well done.
All right.
- Randy, you mind? - No problem.
Mini Unit.
Oh.
Damien.
What did you do? Stanton, it's not what you think.
And it looks like Kasso's gonna stick with Zach Harvin - to finish this one out.
- Zach Harvin's one out away from notching his minor-league-leading 30th save, but it looks like he's on empty, Jared.
- I'm not sure, skip.
- Peter.
It's Peter.
You know, skip, what I really like about those uniforms the blue it brings out in Zach Harvin's eyes.
Take a look at those eyes.
It makes you swim around in them, maybe take a home-run lap in them.
- Dude.
Dude, please.
- What? Hey! Anybody know the Heimlich?! 'Cause Harvin's about to choke! - That's the Heckler.
- You see what I'm talking about? - Zachary! - Yeah.
Yeah.
We see it.
Come on.
His eyes? You're the play-by-play.
I'm the color commentator.
Color commentator doesn't mean you commentate - on the color of his eyes.
- I comment on the color.
- Oh! Oh! - I got it.
Right here.
- Aah! Thank you.
- Hey.
Whoa.
Right here.
I never got one.
Never got one.
You could make my day.
Please? This could be the day I - That's it.
It's his turn.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
I get the ball.
I get the ball.
High and tight, low and away, then let's go get a beer! Hey, Zach! Zachary! I got your mom on the phone.
She says number 2 is about to take you deeper than a Chilean miner! That doesn't even make sense.
What does a Chilean miner and his mother I'll tell you, if someone doesn't shut this guy up, I will.
And that ball is driven deep to right.
- Going, going, gone! - Ohh.
Oh, yeah! Get out of here! Stars lose, and Zach Harvin blows the save.
I get it.
I get it.
Oh! Whoo! You suck 11 different cow teats.
That's how badly you suck.
You know, people come to Stars games to have fun, be happy.
Saturday night we're letting the little kids ride sheep bucking-bronc style.
Sheep rides? But, look, as your attorney, I got to tell you, if you don't let the adults ride the sheep, you could be opening yourself up - for a major discrimination lawsuit.
- Major.
I'll risk it.
Now, could we, uh, focus on the matter at hand? You have anti-obscenity rules here, don't you? Yeah, but he's never really obscene.
Good thing about baseball it's become a world international sport.
So, what's obscene about that? Nothing here, but in Spain, Portugal, and parts of the Baltic, you just called Zach's mom a whore.
- What? - I would say that qualifies as obscene in a multi-ethnic, family-friendly stadium.
No.
No.
There's no way.
Okay.
You know what, guys? I got rights.
Well, it says on your ticket that the stadium reserves the right to eject anyone using obscene gestures.
Yeah, go ahead.
Get him out of here.
- Okay.
- You know what? We are not done.
Thanks, guys.
I'm glad he won't be here for the second game of the doubleheader.
- Yeah.
- We're closers.
Oh, oh.
Got anybody on the, uh, old D.
L.
? What is that your golf swing? what's wrong, buddy? We rocked that.
Excuse me.
Charlie's got her second interview in San Francisco.
Why don't you just tell her not to take it? I can't.
I can't tell her to stay.
Nothing like women trouble, if you ask me.
I've been there.
Hey, can you, uh, push - Oh, no, we're, uh we're already going there.
- Oh.
- You're headed up to Infeld/Daniels/King? - Yes, sir.
Going up to see Rachel King.
Y'all know her? Yes, sir.
Got the scars to prove it.
Yeah.
She the woman troubles you're talking about? Yeah, but not the way you mean it.
She's my baby sister.
Yeah, that's right.
That is unbelievable! I should have never told you.
Ray gun's gonna kill me.
You never told us you were A teen beauty pageant winner, Ray gun.
- Hugh.
No call? - You might have said you were busy.
Oh! "Infeld, Daniels, King"? - Last? - I bat cleanup.
Third's not cleanup.
We're the baseball experts.
and it looks like we're playing both ends of the doubleheader.
We're needed back at the stadium.
- We got that clown thrown out.
- Maybe not.
Mandy.
Mandy.
I says it's urgent.
All right, before I go, just tell me what your talent was.
Line dancing? Pole dancing? Yodeling? Say it was yodeling.
Hey.
Okay, tell you what.
Say nothing if it was yodeling.
It was yodeling, wasn't it? Yodeler! Ray gun loves to yodel Ooh, what a mixture such a vivid picture ooh, what a mixture if I must say so myself Control Pascoe ag is taking over the whole valley.
Parkers sold their place.
Hargraves sold theirs.
What the hell, sis? This guy's a communist.
I bill at $800 an hour, Hugh.
And since you're not paying Well, I bought what was supposed to be grade-"A" champion bull semen from Pascoe AG.
And what I had to pay for the damn stuff, you would have thought that the calves would have come out slam-dunking a basketball.
But instead they were skinny and worthless.
So I contacted Pascoe, and they told me that I must have inseminated the cows wrong and ruined the semen, - which is a bunch of bull.
- Ruined semen? You couldn't have an Alabama lawyer try this case? I do have an Alabama lawyer.
You.
King family's got to stick together, right? Other than indignation and those same ugly boots you've been wearing since the '80s, what do you have? Well, I got a paper trail about a half-mile long and a veterinarian who will swear - that we inseminated the cows correctly.
- Fine.
"Fine" as you'll take the case? King family sticks together, right? - Don't.
- Don't what? Think about the Taft-Grant championship of '97.
Don't do it.
It'll drive you crazy.
- There were scouts at that game.
- I know.
You know what my box score was? Dude, it was 15 years ago.
How am I supposed to remember? Not to mention the two errors you had at shortstop.
Yeah, thanks.
Hey, guys.
Mandy? Hey, yeah.
Mike Dixon, the owner, gave me your number.
- Jared Franklin, Peter Bash.
- What's going on? What's going on is I gacked.
I coughed it up again.
- Zach, come on.
- I threw a fastball to Molina.
That's all he can hit.
I'm an idiot.
I cost us both games.
Collins could have helped you with that fly ball to center.
Yeah, with a jet pack, maybe.
That ball was smoked.
Thanks, Mandy.
He's in a slump.
He'll pull out.
He needs to do it right now.
There's only three games left in the season.
And Zach was looking at a September call-up to the show.
- "Was"? - I've been announcing a lot of Stars baseball, and I'm telling you guys, Zach had the goods to make it in the bigs until that Heckler showed up.
Well, the Hecklers in the majors are a lot worse.
Wait till he goes to Philly.
Yeah, Zach knows that, but this guy is beyond obnoxious.
- Yeah, but we had the Heckler thrown out of the stadium.
- Yeah.
I know.
But he's back.
- He is hanging out over there.
- Where? There's heckling, and then there's harassment.
This guy isn't a fan.
He isn't even a Heckler.
But he might be a stalker.
Well, that would help us.
Can you prove it? No.
There's been a lot of late-night hang-ups.
And one time he parked his R.
V.
outside of Zach's apartment and started blasting that stadium anthem song you know, "na na hey hey kiss him goodbye.
" - Steam.
Awesome track.
- Mm.
- Oh, man.
Now that's in my head.
- Yeah, I know.
All right, we'll take the case, see if we can get a restraining order, make him have to move the R.
V.
But I got to tell you, I don't know if we're helping Zach in the long run.
He's got to toughen up mentally.
Attention, young lawyers in love! The verdict is in! Teddy Lazlo, 1, Ren & Stimpy, 1! Tie ballgame! Looks like we're going into extra innings! You want to play, or you gonna take your tiny balls and go home? - I hate this guy.
- Let's do this.
So, Teddy Lazlo, we meet again.
Man, you've got a big head.
Either that or it's bobblehead night.
Heh.
I got to bobblehead night.
Stand-up comedian.
I tend to do the big-head jokes around here.
Look, we realize you're having a good time and all, but, uh Why don't you lay off Zach Harvin? He's just doing his job.
- Yeah.
No.
- You really hate the Stars that much? No.
I really like the Montclair Mongoose.
- They're not even playing.
- They're the Stars' archrival, and they're a game out of the playoffs.
Zach has a couple more outings like that, and the goose are loose! You're not gonna record that? Already did.
Patent pending.
- Excuse us a minute.
- Hey, knock yourselves out.
Seriously.
Although with that big head of yours, it might take some doing.
- Okay.
Well - This guy's a problem.
He's that one fan who could actually help his team.
How about if we bribe him? Offer him a couple bucks, he takes off.
Attention, young lawyers! Actually, not so young.
I'm using this megaphone 'cause you're having a hard time hearing me.
I'm gonna sit here, work on my base tan, cook brats on my hibachi, and enjoy America, and help the Mongoose win by heckling that guy.
Judge Dinsdale.
Oh.
Your uncle says you have a decent golf game.
Stanton and I need a fourth for a charity tournament out at Sawbridge this weekend.
Stanton didn't mention anything, but I am always happy to help with charity.
What's the cause? Somebody starving somewhere.
Africa, probably.
But this is really about my golf game, which is about to become much, much more important to me and possibly to you, too, if you know what I mean.
I think I do, sir.
Thank you.
Oh.
Meet me at the Sawbridge range this afternoon.
- We'll hit a few balls.
- Absolutely.
I'll be there.
"Honorable.
" If this Heckler's not a public nuisance, we got to figure out another way to shut him down.
Hey.
So, how's the case going? It's tricky, but, uh, we're working on it.
I envy you boys in the trenches, slugging it out in court.
You know, my foundation, it's a wonderful distraction, but I do miss the creak of the boards, the smell of greasepaint.
Theater.
You know, a well-argued legal motion is very like a perfectly executed play.
You know, I worked my way through law school - as a stagehand in London's west end.
- Uh, sir, excuse me.
- The Heckler is a Mongoose fan, right? - Yeah.
They had a home game today.
Uh, actually, I hadn't quite finished telling you the story about the west end.
We got to get Carmen to get more info on this Teddy Lazlo and his R.
V.
Yeah, Zach may have to pitch tomorrow, so we got to try to get an injunction.
You're gonna convince a judge that getting heckled - is worthy of an injunction? - Yes.
Yes, we are.
Sir, how would you like to get back onstage? "Once more into the breach, dear friends, once more or close the wall up with our English dead.
" - Hmm.
- "Henry V.
" - Shakespeare? - Is that a "yes"? - Yes that is a "yes.
" - You didn't have to do the "once more" thing, 'cause that just threw me.
Yes! Yes.
Hmm.
- Hi, neighbor.
- Hi.
Hi.
Good.
Come on in.
Oh, I can't.
I just came to drop him off.
Oh.
Well, I'm sure that Pindar will be very happy that the band is back together.
You sure you don't want to come in? I can't.
I have a million things to do.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- Oh, one thing, though.
Um, your loquat tree, it's been dropping fruit in my backyard, and potential buyers are getting all their shoes messed up.
Yeah.
Uh, I'll cut the branch.
- Please.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
All right.
- Okay, cool.
- Okay.
All right.
- I-I'll see you? I'll call you.
- Yes.
Sure.
Okay.
Okay, great.
Thanks for this.
Insemination isn't just about the inseminating.
It's also about the storage of the semen.
The semen was stored in a liquid-Nitrogen tank.
I've inseminated dozens of cows at the Kings' ranch since I graduated from cornell college of veterinary medicine.
The ranch did nothing wrong.
Good enough to get it to a jury.
Motion to dismiss denied.
Mr.
King, do you have any remaining semen - from the lot you were sold? - I do, ma'am.
I want the semen lot numbers traced and tested.
Your honor, that is why Zach Harvin deserves an injunction protecting him from Teddy Lazlo.
- Mr.
Beraka? - An injunction against a fan cheering? How about an injunction against apple pie and America? Nice rug! Not you, your honor! You, counselor! I'm not wearing where's that coming from? How about an injunction against Teddy the Heckler - from the poor chair he's sitting in? it's over here.
That's cruel and unusual punishment! Ha ha! Is that the best you got? Still better than your stuff! - Now, where's that coming from? - Down here.
- Mr.
Infeld? - I have no idea, your honor.
- I'm not a ventriloquist.
no, over here.
No.
The other way.
I love doing this from here.
I might never go to court again.
Imagine what we could do to Pindar.
I know you must be perturbed, your honor with all this ruckus going on outside.
Hey, judge regal! I know what you're wearing under your robe! Really? Naked under the robe.
- That's where you're going with this? - Another robe! That's how boring you are! Ha! - Better.
- I know I could barely do my job - with all this pandemonium going on.
- Here I am.
Nope.
Nope.
- And, yes, your honor, it should be stopped.
- No.
Over here.
No.
The other way.
- In the same way that Zach Harvin's harassment - You're getting warm.
You're getting warmer.
at the hands of Teddy the Heckler should be halted by injunction.
How many bailiffs does it take to find us? - Ha! Under penal code section 415, harassment - Not enough! You know, if you're trying to equate booing a baseball player Oh, no.
Cold.
Colder.
The other way.
No, no.
with what Franklin and Bash are doing in this courtroom today Franklin and who? Those don't even sound like real names! Your honor, I-It's more than booing and jeering.
This is harassment.
And quite frankly, I think it goes beyond the pale.
You want beyond the pale? We'll show you beyond the pale! Suck on this! You ready? Hold, please! I-I'm tapped.
Carmen? - Oh, I'm the getaway driver.
- All right.
Hecklers rest! Thank you.
It's a valiant effort, Mr.
Infeld.
But this nonsense, while annoying, in no way affects my ability to do my job.
Are you certain, your honor? Because I-I see the veins in your neck.
They're they're beginning to throb.
Fan passion bordering on Vitriol is as old as the game, so tell your client to get his panties out of a wad and play a little baseball.
And your request for an injunction denied.
- Thank you.
- Hello? Goodbye! Leave a message! I think that went well.
I think they get the picture.
- Uh, we should go.
- Watch where you're going.
- Watch where you're going.
- Oh, I am! I am! - You're going backwards.
- Go that way.
Okay.
- I'm on it.
I'm on it.
- Go, go.
Right there.
North! Ha! I can see why you want to do more of this.
- Oh, yeah? - It's meditative.
After all those years on the bench, you deserve a break.
It's no wonder Stanton didn't ask you to play.
You have a very odd backswing.
I-It works pretty well for me, your honor.
And you hold your club like I hold my johnson.
Is is that a bad thing? I'm mean, I'm not familiar with how you hold your johnson, but If I don't beat Millikin, it'll be another year of him strutting around here like the cock of the walk.
Millikin? This isn't about your retiring.
This is all about beating that guy Millikin? That's why golf's becoming more important to you? You know, I could make an origami swan in the time it takes you to pull your club back.
Ohh! Oh! Can you fix that? I-I don't want to be out here playing "hit the ball and drag Karp.
" Good one, your honor.
I still can't believe we lost.
Really? I'm always more surprised when we win.
Oh, look who it is.
Hey.
Solid getaway driving yesterday.
- Thank you.
- Best getaway-drive scene? Fixing the hyperdrive on the Millennium Falcon, - "Empire Strikes Back.
" - Good answer.
It's a great answer, but I cannot allow it, 'cause I said best getaway "drive," - Not "fly.
" - Not "fly.
" The correct answer would have been "the Driver.
" - Classic Statham.
- Um, hello? What did you find out about Teddy? Teddy is a stand-up comedian - A really bad one.
- We knew that.
He does open-mike night Mondays at the Yucks Hut, - Thursdays at Boo-Ya! - That doesn't pay the bills.
Well, his day job is at Petmax.
He does this bit about what the pets do after the store closes.
It's excruciating.
How does a struggling comic who works at Petmax - afford that R.
V.
? - Well, I asked him.
All I got was that it was paid for in cash.
He doesn't seem to know much about it.
Like someone else bought it for him.
Someone who hates the Stars enough to pay a comic to get in the head of their best reliever? The Montclair Mongoose go that far? We should ask the Stars' biggest fan.
Excuse me.
Charlie.
Charlie.
- Hey.
Is everything okay? - Yeah.
Why? I have three missed calls from you.
I was calling about the loquat tree.
- What? - Pindar says that gardeners were cutting down the branches, so Yeah, I just decided to take care of it myself.
Listen I'm running late for this interview.
How's it going up there? It's good.
Um Peter, I I don't think we should see each other anymore.
You're breaking up with me? On the phone? This really isn't easy.
- You're making it sound pretty easy.
- Peter, I'm sorry.
I just really think this is best for both of us.
I have to go.
Hey, we got to get back to the stadium.
We split up.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Let's go.
Give me some good news.
Turns out the semen you got wasn't contaminated.
It just didn't come from Bodacious, the champion bull.
I got imposter spunk! These guys are bigger crooks than I thought.
- What? - How did you know it would be good news? Well, I mean, how do I know that honey's sweet? I mean, it's just the truth.
That smile that's why I can't have you testify.
I don't need to testify.
I got you.
Beside, Pascoe's gonna pay now, right? No.
They're sticking to their guns.
Well, that's a big mistake against the King family.
Big mistake.
And it looks like Kasso's going to bring in Wiznewski to save this.
"The Franchise," as he was called when he joined the Stars, hasn't seen much work lately.
Let's see how he does right after these words from MacMurray Plumbing.
This should be Zach's save.
Now I'm gonna have to interview "Wiz.
" He loves to talk.
- I take it you'd rather interview Zach? - Look, I don't think another team would pay Teddy to do this to win.
As much as the guys love to win, the minors aren't about championships.
They're about feeding the majors, launching careers.
If it's not about wins and losses, maybe it's just someone messing with Zach, not the team.
Yeah, 'cause it's not hard enough to make it in baseball without fighting a personal vendetta.
Zach have an ex or angry business partner, - somebody who hates him? - Uh, guys? Warming the bench, Cupcake Queen? Zach? No.
He's a really sweet guy.
Everyone loves him.
I'm sure that's true, but that sweet guy is about to beat the crap out of the Heckler.
Hey! Cupcake Queen! I'm sure they'll just use their words.
Oh, sure.
- Oh.
- Nope.
You're done.
Yeah.
You're doing time, pal.
Bye-Bye.
Zach, you weren't even in the game.
- How did he make you lose it? - I didn't lose it.
You smashed every window and light in his R.
V.
- You murdered his hibachi.
- He called me fat.
- I'm sorry.
What? - He called me fat.
"Fat"? That's it? Well, I mean, after all the filthy crap he said about my mom, my aunt, my sister, yeah, fat was just kind of the last straw.
Well, you're you're not.
You're not fat.
You look great.
I've put on a few pounds, all right? I stress eat.
I've been mowing cupcakes at my locker, and so when he made a crack about it he called me the cupcake queen it was just sort of the tipping point, and I might have lost it, yeah.
Zach Harvin? Victim's refusing to press charges.
- You're free to go.
- Really? - Yeah.
Must be your lucky day.
- Thank you.
- Not exactly.
- What's wrong? I'm suspended for the rest of the season.
You think somebody paid this comedian guy to do this, right? Seems like it.
Well, whoever it is, looks like it paid off.
If I'm out for the season, I've got no shot at making it to the show this year.
- Zach, don't give up.
- I'm not.
But, you know, I'm 29.
That's like 79 if you're still throwing in the minors, you know? I'm running out of chances.
And I'm just stupid enough to try again next year, though.
Excuse me.
- Let's not give up on this season.
- No.
Not yet.
He's not skinny Hi.
- What's up? - I miss small towns Everyone in everybody's business.
No one forgets prom.
- Remember Ray-Ray Barker? - Mm-Hmm.
I called him to see if he had any bad dealings with Pascoe.
He was real happy to hear from me.
Something tells me this isn't idle family chitchat.
I want to know where you got money to pop for a hunting trip for you and your pals to Alaska, since you say Pascoe is gonna put you out of business.
Because I figured you were so damn good, you were gonna get damages.
Or you figured you'd buy some grade-"A" sperm from Pascoe, sell it out the back door, and use your own bad bull semen to make some lame cattle so you could sue.
You make money on both ends.
That's quite some story, Rachel, but I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
You've got the official report.
You got sworn testimony from my sperm lady saying that I've been ripped off.
And, by the way, as my lawyer, it's your sworn duty to take care of me to the best of your ability.
Always looking for a way to cheat.
Oh, so I'm the family cheater, am I? How about if I go out there and tell your little - fancy lawyer friends who really cheated? - You can't be talking about You're damn right I am.
I'm talking about Chattahoochee.
- I was 17.
- Big deal.
- You're right, Hugh.
I did cheat.
- Damn straight.
So what's to keep me from walking into court tomorrow and doing exactly the same thing again? To you? Guys, look.
I like Zach.
I did him a favor suspending him.
Oh, sure, and ending his career.
That Heckler was gonna press assault charges with a stadium of witnesses.
Look, at least, this way, Zach stays out of jail.
And his major-league dream is gone.
Just give Zach one more shot.
Tonight's game he blows it again, y-you cut him loose.
It's too late.
The big club needs a closer right now, and they already called me about Wiz.
Frankly, they need to call Wiz up.
They paid him a lot of money just to sign him.
Wiz is a bonus baby? How much did he get when he signed? Half a million bucks.
Now, look.
Guys, I'm sorry, but I got to go.
- Thanks for your time, Mike.
- Sure.
Bonus baby.
Wiz is a b I could have been a bonus baby.
That damn Granada hills game.
Will you stop? You live in Malibu, you work for a big law firm, - we get to help people like Zach.
- Yeah, so let's help him.
I'm just saying, I could have been a bonus baby.
You know, what Dixon said, half a million dollars t-that could easily buy a $50,000 R.
V.
Yeah, Wiz could make that back and a hell of a lot more with a September call-up.
- You think he's behind this? - You up for another Stars game? Batter up.
- So, Charlie won't call you back? - No.
I just want to hang out with her before she splits, you know, but I guess that's making it hard for her to leave.
I don't know.
Maybe we should both move on.
Move on? Oh, come on.
- R-remember Kona, those girls with the boyfriends? - Yeah.
What if we had moved on from that? We wouldn't have gotten our asses kicked in the hotel lobby.
- That's true.
- I'm pulling back.
- Let her come to me.
- T-that's not what you do.
You're a romantic.
You commit, fully.
- You write love songs.
- Damn good ones, too.
- Well, they're solid.
- That's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna write her a song.
That's a great call.
- Why didn't I think of that? - That's not at all what I was saying.
But you're in the ballpark.
- What are you saying? - I'm saying use your strengths.
You're Peter the badass lawyer.
Be that.
- Hey, Wiz! Good luck tonight.
- Hey! You know, I'm just happy I could step in.
And tell Zach I'm sure he'll turn it around.
Yeah, I'm sure he'll turn it around.
Probably not in time for the call-up, though.
Hey, you notice that Heckler out in left field? Fat guy? I'm glad Zach went after him.
Guy's an asshole.
- Hmm.
- Did you hear when he called Zach a cupcake queen - right before Zach went nuts? - Yeah.
"Cupcake queen.
" No, I was pitching, so Oh, that's right that's when you were called up to take Zach's spot as the number-one closer.
- I got to get inside.
- You know, funny thing is, Zach only ate cupcakes in the locker room.
- You know, I-I played ball myself.
- He was pretty amazing.
Thank you.
And one thing I know is what happens in the locker room, it stays in the locker room.
Well, but Teddy wasn't in the locker room.
How did he hear about Zach's little cupcake secret? No idea.
You guys enjoy the game.
You too.
What do you think? I think we've found the Heckler's sugar daddy.
- Now we just got to prove it.
- Yeah.
- Ahh.
Felt like a cop.
- I did.
I did, too! - I know, right? - It's cool.
Search everything on Trent "Wiz" Wiznewski and Teddy Lazlo.
We got to find some connection between the two.
We need to prove that Wiz hired Teddy to harass Zach.
- We do, it's conspiracy.
- Right.
And if Zach's a victim of conspiracy, then Dixon might reinstate him.
And then Wiz heads down to I don't even know what's below the minors.
- Zachary! I got your mom on the phone.
- Oh, you're not gonna believe this.
Teddy's heckling video is on youtube.
So what? So is my mom's cat wearing a birthday hat.
Yeah, but she doesn't have two million views.
She should.
Teddy's cashing in on this.
He's using it to get famous.
- So unfair.
- And unfunny.
Okay, none of this is getting us any closer - to linking Teddy and Wiz.
- Unless it does.
Didn't Mandy say that Wiz likes to be interviewed? You think he'd like to talk to her about how good he's doing - since he's had more time on the mound? - You got a plan.
I think I do, but you're gonna have to do the legwork.
I got to prep for small-claims court tomorrow.
Yeah, you do.
- Plaintiff calls Hugh King to the stand.
- What the hell are you doing? - Uh, just one moment, ma'am.
- Certainly.
- You said you weren't gonna call me.
- Things change.
- Well, I can refuse to testify.
- And everyone in this courtroom will think you have something to hide.
I've inseminated my fair share of cows over the years.
I mean, not personally, mind you.
Objection.
Overruled.
But ill-advised, Mr.
King.
Where do you come down on cheating, Mr.
King? - I'm opposed to it.
- Me too.
But I've cheated before.
Chattahoochee, Alabama, the junior miss Alabama pageant.
- I won.
- Objection.
Relevance.
I'm not surprised miss King won her share of pageants, - but what does this have to do with it? - A little leeway.
I promise the relevance will become clear.
I hope so.
When I was a kid, I worked the pageant circuit.
I hated it.
But the junior miss Alabama pageant came with a college scholarship.
I figured "one last time.
" There'd better be a question soon, miss King.
It was between me and miss Tuscaloosa.
She'd have beaten me.
But I broke into her room and turned up the heat.
Five degrees.
She didn't notice.
But her hair In Alabama, it is all about the hair.
Me and my perfect '70s feathered hair took the title, which got me into college and away from my family.
Question time.
Now.
Isn't that what happened here? Someone didn't play by the rules? - Someone? - Yes.
Pascoe ag.
You're an expert on all things bull-related, right, Hugh? - I know my way around livestock.
- You'd think Pascoe does, too.
And yet they didn't file the chain-of-custody papers confirming the delivery of Bodacious' sperm until two days later.
Objection.
This is a technicality.
So was turning up the thermostat in that girl's room.
Well, actually, yours was a little more than a technicality.
But I see your point, miss King.
The law's the law.
It makes you wonder whether other technicalities were violated by Pascoe.
Of course, that's none of my business.
For now.
Your honor, if I may have a moment to speak with my client? Good idea.
And, miss King, I'm ordering you to track down that Chattahoochee runner-up, - tell her you're sorry.
- Thanks, your honor.
I already have.
Glad you guys worked that out.
See you, guys.
- Hi.
Thanks for coming.
- Really? You're suing me over a tree.
Wow.
You look good, by the way.
You've made me come all the way downtown.
Well, you made it very clear you didn't want me calling anymore.
Bash vs.
Elwin.
Are the parties present? Yes, your honor.
We are.
As you can see, your honor, the tree is on my property.
It grows fruit beautiful, succulent loquats.
Did you know that loquats, when ingested, can produce a soothing sedative effect? Here.
Try it.
- I don't think so.
- Please? Trust me.
You'll be happy you did.
- It's good, huh? - It's sweeter than I thought.
I have more.
Mr.
Bash, are you hitting on the defendant? No, your honor.
I'm suing her.
I'm suing her for chopping down my branches that were only guilty of showering her with sweetness.
You see, that's the thing.
I have a lot of food on my plate right now, and I don't want the fruit calling me every 20 minutes finding out how I am.
I have a 10-year-old daughter who needs my full attention with everything that's going on.
- Okay, that that's fair.
- But There are still some branches growing on my side.
I only cut one down.
And now that I've had a taste, I think that I want some more.
I just need some time.
So if we could continue this discussion at home? Yes.
Okay, good.
That's all I wanted to know.
Excuse me.
Case resolved? - Case resolved.
- Yes.
In that case, I will take the matter off the docket.
No court fees to be paid by either, and No! Take that outside.
Thank you for joining us, Stanton.
I need your short game to win this tournament.
Well, I can't promise you'll win the tournament, but I'll beat you.
Oh? Care to wager on that? - Certainly.
Name it.
- Okay.
Uh, if I win, you stop regaling me with those tall tales like your double eagle on the fifth hole at St.
Andrews? - I used a 2-Iron with a hickory shaft - 2-Iron.
Shaft.
given to me by the great man himself, - Bobby Jones, when I was 10 years old.
- Bobby Jones.
Yes.
By the way, did you know that Bobby was also a lawyer? Oh, yes, I do, because you've told me a thousand times! Thank god I'm riding with Damien.
All right, fair enough.
I accept your terms.
Now here are mine.
If I win, you retire from the bench and quit sending everybody mixed messages.
You and your nephew are incorrigible! Why don't you just plant your foot in the small of my back and push me over the edge? I will, but I've got to put my spikes on first.
Ha! So, the Wiz interview is a go in 45 minutes? Great.
You're gonna have an extra visitor.
Thanks, Mandy.
Go Stars! - Go Stars.
- We're good to go.
- Okay, then.
- Let's bring in everybody's favorite comedian.
- It's - Teddy! Thanks for coming in.
Have a seat.
How you doing, buddy? Can we get you anything? - A tuna melt would be nice.
- Ha.
Ah.
That's not a joke.
- No lawyer? - I don't sweat you guys.
Well, you should have at least brought your agent.
Yeah! Dude, you are all over youtube.
You've gone viral.
Fellas, I've gone plague.
- 2.
2 mil on funny or die.
- Whoa.
After working crappy clubs the last the annoying bleacher bum, right? Hey.
It worked for Larry the Cable Guy.
Of course, he owns his material.
You don't own yours.
What are you talking about? I wrote it.
Oh, that doesn't matter.
Yeah, because if someone's paying you to heckle Zach, they own all the material you're doing at the stadium.
- What do you mean? - Work-for-hire laws.
Yeah, I can't imagine you'd be dumb enough to have a written contract on that so-called deal of yours.
And an oral contract, if questioned, reverts to basic contract law, which says the payer of the work, he owns the material, not you.
And all those lame-ass jokes, pow! - Those jokes are mine.
- And if your deal was with Wiz, I wouldn't count on getting them back, 'cause someone who would stab their own teammates in the back probably not the best business partner.
Yeah, Teddy, I don't think you're gonna have much time for that tuna melt.
You guys are full of crap.
It's not nice when someone messes with your livelihood, is it? You have to pull the club back in one easy motion.
Don't pause in the middle.
I get my lessons from a club pro, your honor.
Ooh! Money well spent.
- Oh! - Christ on a crutch.
Can't you Okay, hounding me is not helping! Okay, uh, put Nancy down for an 8, - and we'll move on.
- You know what, ass-hat?! I have had it with your bigoted old-man bullshit.
I didn't want to be here.
I don't even like you.
I just wanted your seat on the bench.
And now all I want is to get through this round alive.
And if you want to get through this round alive, I suggest that you back up and shut up, or I'm gonna bury this - You got me? - Damien.
Mr.
Hughes, I think I saw a ball washer two holes back.
Shall we? Oh, my god.
I'm sorry.
I mean, you're an asshole, but I should not have Oh! You should have.
Weeks ago.
- W-What? - I was just testing you, waiting for you to stand up, and you finally did.
Now I'm ready to retire, and I'm ready to name you as my replacement.
S-So all the racist stuff and all the lecherousness Lecherous stuff is yeah.
But not Thank you.
But let's just keep it to ourselves for today, okay? Of course.
Sorry about that "ass-hat.
" I liked "ass-hat.
" It's better than "ass-jacket," which is what I was called several weeks ago by a young attorney.
I want to thank everyone for coming here on such short notice.
Just tell us why we're here.
We have a game.
I hear you've been meeting with scouts.
Going to the big club? Zach.
Okay, look.
We both want to go to the show.
It's not my fault you got the yips and the scouts came to me.
Actually, Wiz, it is.
All right.
Thanks, Wiz.
This will air on the local news tonight.
- Thanks, Mandy.
See you soon.
- I'll see you at the game.
- And we are out.
- Hey! Hey! What's this? We don't want to see this.
- I'm sure you don't.
- And I won't see it in court.
My client has a reasonable expectation of privacy.
So whatever it is, it wouldn't be admissible.
Is privacy really a reasonable expectation When you're being interviewed? I mean, there is a microphone.
It does look like you're wearing some sort of concealer? - Definitely wearing concealer.
- And there's a little blush, but, I mean, - you have to wear that on camera.
- I think it looks good.
- Great.
Especially with the ponytail.
- Yeah.
Fine.
Let's see it.
You gonna screw me? Huh? What are you talking about? You shouldn't be here, man! Just because you paid me to hassle that guy those jokes are mine.
Fine.
Keep them.
Just keep doing what I paid you to and keep Zach from throwing strikes, all right? So get out of here.
Look, man, I'm just trying to make it.
You know what that's like.
Screwing my friends, my teammates? No, Wiz.
I don't know what that's like.
You're off the team.
You're probably out of baseball.
- Get ready to go tonight.
Come on.
- Yes, sir.
- Thanks, guys.
- Yeah, man.
- Congrats.
- Good luck tonight.
I owe you one.
- What about me? - You, we got on conspiracy, tortious interference with business relations.
Don't worry.
You can still perform.
- You've seen "Johnny Cash at Folsom prison," right? - No.
Then never go to one of Zach's games again.
Come on.
I got us a surprise.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
All right, let me see if I got this straight.
You think that if I take batting practice from a major-league-level pitcher, that it'll somehow exorcise my demons from the Granada hills game? That's the general idea.
All right.
Bring it on.
Who's this pitcher of yours? Randy! - Dude, that's Rrandy Johnson.
- Yeah.
- He has like five CY young awards.
- He's got exactly five CY young awards.
- How did you get him? - Infeld did his power-drink contract.
- Come on.
- Oh.
He throws the ball like 100 miles an hour.
Well, he's retired, so 95 miles an hour.
- But if you're getting cold feet - Hell, no.
Hey! Randy! I mean "Big Unit.
" M-Mister Unit.
- Randy's fine.
- Okay.
- Thanks for doing this.
- What's going on? - Step on in.
- Okay.
Thanks, dude.
All right, Randy.
None of that warm-up B.
P.
stuff.
I want your heat.
- Oh! - Stee-rike one.
All right.
I-I'll take the warm-Up stuff.
Let's say you didn't go 0 for 5 that day and the scouts signed you.
Would you give up everything you have now for that? In a second.
Strike two.
- I think I pulled my spleen.
Shut up.
- Chin up.
Yes! Yes! I'm back! - Look at that.
- Whoo! Well done.
All right.
- Randy, you mind? - No problem.
Mini Unit.
Oh.
Damien.
What did you do? Stanton, it's not what you think.