Glee s03e07 Episode Script
I Kissed a Girl
So here's what you mised on Glee Coach Beiste is head over heels for a guy named Cooter who's a football recruiter.
Rachel's running for class president against Kurt and Brittany and a guy from the hockey team.
Vote Rick "The Stick"! Burt's running for Congress against Sue and Reggie "The Sauce," this guy who owns a pizza chain and who's gonna air a commercial that'll out Santana.
Everyone's gonna know now, because of you! She thought the whole thing was Finn's fault, so she slapped him really hard in front of God and everybody.
Ouch.
And that's what you missed on Glee.
I'm sorry, but since a student had lit firecrackers stuffed down his pants three years ago, we've had a zero tolerance physical violence policy.
Is that why you suspended all the kids who have been tossing slushees in our faces for the past two years? Slushees are not on the school board's approved list of suspend-worthy weapons.
Here's what you have to I didn't do it.
We all saw what happened.
You slapped Finn in the face, unprovoked.
No.
See, you don't get it.
When I get really pissed off, Santana gets taken over by my other evil personality.
I call her "Snixxx.
" Her wrath of words is called "Snixxx juice.
" I'm kind of like the Incredible Hulk.
You can't blame me for anything Snixxx does.
I'm suspending you and this Snixxx two weeks.
No argument.
Sectionals is next week.
If you suspend me, I won't be able to beat Grimace and Mr.
Shue's butts.
Ms.
Corcoran, I highly recommend you do something about this.
I'm sorry, Santana, Sectionals is important, but you need to be punished for what you did.
I hate to say it, but I agree.
This is garbage.
Hamburglar Finn is fine.
She didn't slap me.
I know that it looked and sounded like she did, but she actually didn't.
What is it called in a play or a movie when you pretend to hit someone but you don't? A stage slap? It was a stage slap.
That's what it was.
- What is your angle here, Finn? - The truth.
If she didn't actually hit me, then you can't suspend her, right? No.
Then that's what happened.
I'm a mischievous bitch, but I can't for the life of me figure out what the hell this is about.
Well, I want Sectionals to be a fair fight.
And that can't happen without you on the Trouble Tones.
Well, actually, it would only be a fair fight with me off the team.
And I also kind of feel bad for you.
Look, I know we've been at each other a lot over these past couple of years, but the truth is I think you're awesome.
And when you hide who you are, I feel like you hide part of that awesomeness with it.
And that's why you act out because you hurt inside every day.
That's sweet but if you think that, in exchange for keeping me from getting suspended, I'm gonna come - back to the Glee Club? - Exactly.
You and all the Trouble Tones.
I have an idea for a lesson but it won't work out if you're not there.
Did Ms.
Corcoran and Mr.
Shue already agree to this? Look, it's up to you.
Either you can come back to the choir room and embrace your awesome or take a two-week vacation and enjoy your seat in the audience for Sectionals.
I haven't been this worried about a vote since Lambert versus Allen.
Kurt needs this election to get into NYADA.
More importantly, he's clearly the superior candidate.
I mean, come on.
If elected, I will make sure to have sugary treats available at all times.
It helps the concentration.
That's what George Washington said.
I had to take a stand.
She's bribing the students with Pixy Stix.
Buying votes is illegal.
It's also delicious.
Nobody cares.
They're all so lost in their own worlds that they can't see how important this is to me.
Elections have consequences, and the consequence of Brittany winning this election is that I'll have to move to New York without my best gay.
What if I need an emergency makeover or a last-minute soufflé? How's the concession speech going? Can I print an early copy on my blog? Who says I'm ready to concede? I'm leading that hockey playing kid by ten percent.
But that's mostly because he's in a medically induced coma after being brutally checked in a game last week.
Also, you're trailing Brittany by 17 points.
If this was a horse race, you'd be glue.
And te glue that keeps this school together when he gets elected president.
Oh, my God, it's Brittany.
Madam President? Don't worry about it, okay? We still have the rest of the day to change the minds of the voters.
What's the point? I'm gonna lose unless I pull a JFK.
You're gonna shoot Brittany? No, no when Kennedy ran against Nixon in 1960, he had all his Mob buddies in Chicago stuff the ballot boxes so that he would win Illinois.
It won him the presidency.
Wait No! No, I can't let you do this, okay? Come on.
Can't we just do, like, a great duet in the cafeteria or the library to just drum up some support? I have Kennedy's impeccable hairline.
I know.
Why can't I have his ends- justify-the-means mentality? If I lose, and my resume remains blank, I'm not gonna get into NYADA.
And I can't accept that.
You're seriously considering cheating? What choice do I have? Can someone tell us what's going on, please? This week, the Trouble Tones and New Directions! will both be singing music created - by ladies and for ladies.
- Oh, hell no.
Next week, all of us will be going to Sectionals, and one of us is probably gonna win.
But, Santana, we're worried about you.
Worry about yourself, fetus face.
Glee's about learning how to accept yourself for who you are, no matter what other people think.
And that's what this music is all about.
So, wait, I don't even get a say in this? Not cool.
Everybody in this room knows about you and Brittany.
And we don't judge you for it.
We celebrate it because it's who you are.
Look, I know not everybody outside of this room is as accepting and cool, but we're doing this assignment this week so that you know in this rotten, stinking mean world that you at least have a group of people who will support your choice to be whoever you want to be.
That's it.
That's what we're doing here.
Blaine? Kurt? Santana, Kurt and I have a song we like to sing to each other in the car.
And we want to sing that for you right now.
While there's nothing I'd love more than having two Pretty Ponies serenade me, I think we'd get further staging a "gel-ervention" for Blaine than singing lady music.
I know it's hard.
It was hard for me, too.
But you can get through this.
If you could just stop being so defensive.
I'm trying, but your hideous bow ties are provoking me.
Wait, are we talking lady on lady or girl on girl? 'Cause there's a big difference.
Puck, focus, okay? Kurt, Blaine, why don't you kick us off with what you got? Made a wrong turn once or twice Dug my way out, blood and fire Bad decisions, that's all right Welcome to my silly life Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood Miss No-way-it's-all-good It didn't slow me down Mistaken, always second-guessing Underestimated, look, I'm still around Pretty, pretty please Don't you ever, ever feel Like you're less than, less than perfect Pretty, pretty please If you ever, ever feel like you're nothing You are perfect to me The whole world stared, so I swallowed the fear The only thing I should be drinking is an ice-cold beer So cool in lying, and we try, try, try But we try too hard, and it's a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics 'cause they're everywhere They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair Strange ourselves, and we do it all the time Why do we do that? Yeah! Oh, oh-oh-oh Oh, pretty, pretty please Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel Like you're nothing You are perfect to me.
That's good! That's great! How about that? Thank you, guys.
Thank you, Finn, especially.
You know, with all the horrible crap I've been through in my life now I get to add that.
Dear Journal, My campaign is in crisis.
Polls have me neck-and-neck with Reggie "The Sauce" Salazar, and his ad is set to run any day now.
Why would someone assume I'm a friend of Ellen just because I'm mannish and highly aggressive and have short hair and I only wear track suits and I coach a girl's sport and I married myself? It just doesn't make sense.
The truth is, Journal, I'm attracted to men.
Sure, I can't stand watching them eat or talking to them, but when it comes to getting sexy, this gal's got a hole in her heart only a fella can fill.
Salazar's ad will put my campaign on life-support, and if I want to win this race, I need 20 cc's of man-candy, stat! So which one of my hookups is ready for a prime-time photo op? Dan Quayle? Too needy.
Stephen Baldwin? Train wreck.
Oliver North.
Biter.
Matt Lauer? Too much crying.
Johnny Cochran? Pretty sure he's dead.
Eureka.
That's the kind of guy I need.
Better luck next time, David Boreanaz.
Sue Sylvester's found her man.
What is that animal you appear to be so noisily enjoying? A chicken stuffed in a duck, jammed in a turkey a turducken.
- It's like a barnyard in a bite.
- Wow.
I've been exhausted lately, and I'm trying to eat as much protein as I can to keep up my strength.
Why are you so tired? I've been working hard as the student election advisor, and my nights have been much more, well, busier lately.
Well, if you need help with anything, just let us know.
Yeah.
I could use some help counting the election ballots.
My quadriceps have been trembling like jelly all day.
Cooter really pushed me to my limit last night.
So I take it things are going well between you and Mr.
Mankins? Last night, Cooter asked me to do something I never imagined I'd be doing.
You think you can handle this, Shannon? Give it to me, Cooter.
Our connection is so amazing and we have so much in common.
I really feel like I met my match.
We are so happy for you, Coach.
Cooter Mankins he's the only one for me.
Please, baby, can't you see my mind's a burning hell? I got razors a-rippin' and tearing and strippin' My heart apart as well Tonight you told me that you ache for something new And some other woman is looking like something That might be good for you Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone Go on, believe her when she tells you nothing's wrong Ho-ho, but I'm the only one Who'll walk across the fire for you And I'm the only one who'll drown in my desire for you It's only fear that makes you run The demons that you're hiding from When all your promises are gone I'm the only one Please, baby, can't you see? I'm trying to explain I've been here before and I'm locking the door And I'm not going back again Her eyes and arms and skin won't make it go away You'll wake up tomorrow and wrestle the sorrow That holds you down today Go on and hold her till the screamin' is gone Go on, believe her when she tells you nothing's wrong Well, I'm the only one who walked across the fire for you And I'm the only one who'll drown in my desire for you It's only fear that makes you run The demons that you're hiding from When all your promises are gone I'm the only one That was for you Santana.
Yeah, I know I was just part of a phase, but whatever, happy to oblige, always.
- You kicked ass on that song.
- Thank you.
Do think you need to get your eyes checked, though.
Say what? You sang almost the whole song to Shelby.
You hardly even noticed me.
Yeah, that was so that she would think of me think of us as the only ones that could take care of Beth and stuff.
The song was mainly about baby-sitting for me.
Look, my mom is going on a Christian wine-tasting boat down the Ohio River on Friday.
The Jesus Booze Cruise.
So I'm going to have the house to myself.
Want to come over, order in, rent a movie and not watch it? Remember in the hospital after Beth was born? You told me you loved me.
We can get that back.
Sorry.
Not interested.
Let me be more clear.
If you come over on Friday, you get to have sex with me.
Look, I was into you pretty hard a couple years ago 'cause you were hot like a pixie and I thought you were pretty much cooler than every other girl in the school, but turns out, you're kind of nuts.
You're higher maintenance than Berry and pretty much the most selfish person I've ever met in my life.
So thanks for the offer, but I'd rather raw dog a beehive.
So, what do you think of the new assignment? It's pretty sweet, right? Do you realize you're basically forcing me out of the flannel closet? Salazar's ad's going to run.
That's what's forcing you to deal with this.
Why are you getting so worked up about this? 'Cause I don't want you to die.
A few weeks ago, some kid who made one of those "It Gets Better" videos killed himself.
You deal with your anxiety surrounding this stuff by attacking other people, and someday, that's not going to be enough and you might start attacking yourself.
Well, thanks, but that's never going to happen.
I'd miss me too much.
Look, you were my first.
That means something to me.
You mean something to me.
If something ever were to happen to you, and I didn't do everything that I could to try and stop it, I'd never be able to live with myself.
I came home in the middle of the night My father says what you gonna do with your life? Well, Daddy dear, you're still number one Oh, girls, they wanna have fun Oh, girls, they The phone rings in the middle of the night My mother says when you gonna live your life right? Well, Mother dear, we're not the founate ones Oh, girls, they wanna have fun Oh, girls, they It's all they really want Those girls, they want to have fun Some boys take a beautiful girl Oh, and they hide her away From the rest of the world But not me I wanna be the one in the sun Girls, they wanna have fun Oh, girls, they That's all they really want Those girls, they wanna have fun.
Thank you.
We love you, Santana.
One four-cheese, ass-kickin', triple-dippin' chicken taquitos.
Double the chicken.
One Big Daddy Chicken Patty with extra chicken.
And instead of a side - More chicken - you just want more chicken.
Yeah.
Smile for the camera.
Get those to the Lima Times ASAP.
Sure thing, Coach.
Hey, Cooter.
What are you doing here? Oh, hey, Coach.
Just, uh just grabbing some dinner with Sue here.
Excuse me, Bluto, but I'm on a date with my man, enjoying some disgusting creamy pasta, and phoners with several major media outlets.
So why don't you just hurry on to your next face-widening session at the John Travolta Institute for Head Thickening and Facial Weight Gain.
You're on a date? Y Yeah, I guess.
Listen, Home Perm, Cooter's been my regular booty call since the late 1990s Oop! My iPhone 5 is vibrating.
That's a new feature of the iPhone 5 they vibrate now.
And I have to take this it's a reporter from USA Today, the newspaper for people who can't read.
It's nice to see you, Cooter.
Hey, Shannon, Shannon You okay? No.
No, I'm not.
I thought you and I were doing stuff, and stuff.
Shannon, I didn't think you were interested.
Every time I gather up the courage to ask you out on a date, we end up lifting weights at the gym or at a protein seminar.
So, last time, I said to myself, "Dang it, Coot," you just gotta make a move.
" And so I tried to hold your hand, - and you punched me.
- It was a reflex.
I thought you were trying to steal my class ring.
I like you, Shannon, and I like hanging out with you, but the truth is, I can't tell what's going on with us.
I'm not looking for a buddy.
I'm a grown man.
I mean, I need more than that.
I don't have to ask who you lovely ladies are voting for.
- I'm Team Britt all the way.
- I'm voting for the hockey player.
Rick "The Stick" Nelson.
Well, I wouldn't worry too much about a spare vote here or there, Brittany.
My exit polling is putting you well ahead of Lady Hummel.
This election is "ovah"! That's right! Come on.
One last interview before you lose.
- Hey, hey, hey, give it a break.
- Hey, just one more! Just a word! God, I feel like a lamb waiting in line to be slaughtered.
Chin up, Kurt.
It's not over till all the votes are counted.
Yep, and you're going to get loads.
Look, look, Quinn is going into the voting booth right now.
She's definitely going to vote for you.
I like what Kurt stands for, and Brittany is insane, but just like my dad always voted for the candidate that was least ethnic, I'm voting for the one who's most girl.
Brittany is my Trouble Tones home girl, but thank God for secret ballots because if Santana's girlfriend wins this election I'm never going to hear the end of it.
If I lose, I don't have a chance of getting into NYADA.
It's not fair the difference between my dreams coming true and managing a Sonic Burger depends on how many people check a stupid box.
Hey, how's it going? I can't believe I agreed to let District hold polling places in our gym today.
It's like she's rubbing it in my face.
Don't take it personally.
It's all just a big campaign strategy for her.
Coach Sue wants you to have this.
She says she hopes it rubs it in your face.
I don't understand what happened.
He said I was uncommunicative.
Aw, man, I'm so bummed out, I feel like I'm living one of the tragic country music songs.
Well, then you need to go tell him how you feel.
We're going to go vote, and you just got to go for it, okay? When this is all over and done with, Sue's going to lose the election and the guy.
Thanks.
Jolene, Jolene Jolene, Jolene I'm begging of you, please Don't take my man Jolene, Jolene Jolene, Jolene Please don't take him just because you can Your beauty is beyond compare With flaming locks of golden hair With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green Your smile is like a breath of spring Your voice is soft like summer rain And I cannot compete with you, Jolene He talks about you in his sleep And there's nothing I can do to keep From crying, when he calls your name, Jolene And I could easily understand How you could easily take my man But you don't know what he means to me, Jolene Jolene Jolene, Jolene, Jolene Please don't take him even though you can Jolene Jolene Jolene.
Are you are you okay, Coach? Yeah.
Fine.
Are you? Yep.
I'm, I'm great.
Thank you.
Saw the commercial.
Whew.
Smokin'.
Who the hell are you? Josh Comen.
Sophomore rugby captain.
Girls like you are a challenge.
You just need the right guy to straighten you out, and I'm just the man to do it.
Move your busted creeper ass.
Now.
Easy, girls.
I'm just trying to make her normal.
- She is normal.
- It's not a choice, idiot.
But even if it were, you'd be our last choice.
Oh, I get it.
You're all a bunch of lesbos.
So what if we are? You don't stand a chance either way.
Bye-bye.
Walk away.
This was never the way I planned Not my intention I got so brave, drink in hand Lost my discretion It's not what I'm used to Just wanna try you on I'm curious for you Caught my attention I kissed a girl and I liked it The taste of her cherry Chapstick I kissed a girl just to try it I hope my boyfriend don't mind it It felt so wrong It felt so right Don't mean I'm in love tonight I kissed a girl and I liked it I liked it Us girls, we are so magical Soft skin, red lips So kissable Hard to resist, so touchable Too good to deny it Ain't no big deal, it's innocent I kissed a girl and I liked it The taste of her cherry Chapstick I kissed a girl just to try it I hope my boyfriend don't mind it It felt so wrong It felt so right Don't mean I'm in love tonight I kissed a girl and I liked it I liked it.
Come here.
Okay, okay.
Update, y'all.
Um, I told my parents last night, and they were actually okay with it.
No way! I just have to tell my Abuela before she sees that stupid commercial.
But luckily she only watches Univision.
Excuse me, New Directions! and Trouble Tones singing groups.
Mr.
Kurt Hummel, I need to see you in my office immediately.
First of all, Mr.
Hummel, congratulations on your early exit poll numbers.
Things are looking very good indeed for you.
Thank you, Figgins.
Now can you tell me why I'm here today? There seems to have been some irregularities with the student council ballot boxes.
What do you mean by irregularities? Kurt won but by 190 votes.
Well, that's great! Right? Well, the problem is there's more ballots than there are seniors, and Kurt won by a suspiciously wide margin.
No, no, I-I didn't do it.
I didn't cheat, I mean, I mean I thought about it, but I-I-I What do you mean you thought about it? I I thought about it because I-I-I wanted to win so badly, and I was worried that I wouldn't.
But, but, I didn't cheat.
I-I worked really hard on this.
I didn't cheat! Someone stuffed the ballot boxes.
They think I did it.
If they can prove it, I could be suspended.
- Oh, my God, Kurt - And I lost.
I lost the election.
I lost the lead in West Side Story.
I can forget about New York and NYADA, 'cause they'll never take me now.
You know, the worst part is that I really, for a second, thought I won.
Kurt, I'm-I'm so sorry I have to find Blaine.
Rachel, I want you to know, I didn't do this.
I did it.
What? What were you thinking? I-I-I I wasn't thinking.
I-I just I wanted to help him so bad.
- You have to go tell Figgins.
- I can't, I'll get suspended.
Rachel, Kurt'll get suspended.
Who can tell me the quadratic equation? Noah, I told you, you don't have to ask permission to go to the bathroom.
It's x equals negative B plus or minus the square root of B squared minus 4AC.
All over 2A.
That's right.
Who told you? Um, I did.
I've been doing the books for my pool-cleaning business.
I've got mad math skills, yo! I'm like that Beautiful Mind guy, without all the crazy.
You're go for Puckerman.
- Class isn't over! - Sorry.
Family emergency.
What happened? Where is she? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called you, I just - I don't have anybody else.
- Is she okay? She's with the doctor.
She slipped and hit her lip on the floor, and there was blood everywhere.
I turned my back for three seconds.
I'm freaking out now.
They won't even let me in the room with her.
It's cool.
I'm here now.
Hi.
Uh, her bottom tooth went through her lip.
Couple stitches, she'll be fine.
Really? Wait.
I want her to see a plastic surgeon first.
Well, I've gen plenty of stitches.
I live a somewhat active lifestyle judo, paintball which means I've had more stitches than Frankenstein, so if anyone's gonna touch Beth's face, it's gonna be a plastic surgeon.
I'll page her.
It's okay.
I'm here now.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Yeah.
I did a good job.
You're very pretty.
You know, the advantage of a relationship with a younger dude is that I still got four me rounds in me before I need a steak sandwich and a Coke Zero.
You need to go.
Before Beth wakes up.
This was a mistake.
I was a mess at the hospital.
Yeah, I was like freakin' Wolverine.
Beth would have a big scar on her lip for the rest of her life if it weren't for me.
Okay.
This is just wrong.
Go.
Please.
Go.
You know what? Screw you.
Yeah, you got the boom and the pow, and your lips are cash money, but what really turned me on about you was how much of an ass-kicker you were.
Winning all those championships, going to New York, raising Beth alone all garbage.
This was your chance to get in on the ground floor of something really special me.
But you're too much of a coward to go for it.
Santana, you're all bones.
Like Jesus on the cross.
Eat.
Abuelita, I have something that I want to talk to you about Okay, who cares, talk with your mouth full, hm? No, no, no.
Come on.
Come on.
Hmm? Ah.
Okay.
Look I have to tell you a secret; a secret that I've - kept hidden for a long time, but - You need salsa? No, no, no.
Escúchame.
Please - You're so special to me.
- Santana, are you pregnant? Because I will beat you up with this chair.
No, it's not it's not that.
Okay.
It's just that I've watched you my whole life.
And you've always been so strong.
Done exactly what you believe, and never cared about what anyone else thought of you Tell me about your life, I know mine.
Abuelita I love girls the way that I'm supposed to feel about boys.
It's just something that's always been inside of me, and I really want to share it with you because I love you so much.
I want you to know me.
Who I really am.
When I'm with Brittany I finally understand what people are talking about when they talk about love.
I've tried so hard to push this feeling away, and keep it locked inside but every day just feels like a war.
I walk around so mad at the world, but I'm really just fighting with myself.
I don't want to fight anymore.
I'm just too tired.
I have to just be me.
Say something, please.
Everyone has secrets, Santana.
They're called secrets for a reason.
I want you to leave this house.
I don't ever want to see you again.
- Abuela, you - Go.
- You don't - Now.
I'm the same person I was a minute ago.
You made your choice.
Now I have made mine.
But why? It's selfish of you to make me uncomfortable.
The sin isn't in the thing, it's in the scandal, when people talk about it aloud.
So you're saying it would've been better if I would've kept this a secret? Abuela I didn't bring protection.
It's okay.
I don't care.
Under normal circumstances, I'd take my chances, but we have a pretty crappy track record.
Maybe we'll get lucky again.
You mean unlucky.
Look, trying to get Beth back was a stupid idea.
You're just figuring this out now? But we made one perfect baby.
We can make another.
We have everything we need.
Wait Is this why you invited me over? See, this is what happens when you have anger sex.
Why are you angry at me? Fine! You don't want this? There's 20 other guys at this school who would kill to give me what I want; they would kill to love me.
I'm not angry at you.
I let you down.
We all did.
You just spent a whole week helping Santana with a secret everybody already knows, and not one person took ten seconds to help you.
And you're a frickin' mess.
You have been for three years.
Ever since I knocked you up.
You don't need a baby or a dude or anyone to make you special.
If there's one person that I'm sure is gonna get the hell out of this town and make something of herself, it's you.
Maybe I was just getting all my crazy, bad decisions out of the way early.
I see you somewhere warm and glamorous, like L.
A.
or Miami or Toronto.
Fine.
But you have to do something for me.
You're staying here.
You're gonna lie with me and hold me.
Okay.
But no funny business.
Who are you angry at? You know, the whole "anger sex" thing.
I need to tell you something.
But you have to promise to keep it a secret.
How bad was it? Dukakis bad.
Third place with 16% of the vote.
What does that mean for us? Yeah, I have the same question.
Now that the election's over, you two don't have to pretend to be something you're not.
- Now, Shannon - Cooter, have a seat on that Pilates ball right over there.
This is between me and Brian Dennehy.
I lost a lot in the last 24 hours.
Lost an election, lost my reputation, I lost an enormous last-minute bet I placed on myself with a very shady bookie from Vegas.
Cooter Mankins is the best thing to happen to me since a sophomore named Becky Jackson waddled into my life, and I will be damned if I lose him, too.
Shannon, I like you heaps.
But I'd be lying if I told you I didn't like Sue here, too.
I don't know what to say.
I've had the same problem.
I haven't known what to say, either.
But I feel like I finally do.
Cooter, I'm in love with you.
And I'm sorry I haven't told you till now, and I'm sorry I let a tall, pretty blonde swoop in and snatch you right away, but I'm telling you now, if I had to bench-press a wildebeest just to prove to you how much you mean to me, I would do it.
I would do anything to win you back, Coot.
And I will not go down without a fight.
Okay, guys.
Shelby and I just wanted to say that you've really inspired us.
When we face off at Sectionals, it will be with more empathy, and a deeper understanding of each other.
- That's right.
- That's right! Where's Rachel? She never misses applause.
She's dealing with stuff.
- Mr.
Shue? - Yeah.
As the son of Ohio's recently-minted Congressman Yeah, Burt! and to dispel any lingering clouds of suspicion, I would like to, personally and publicly, congratulate President Brittany.
The people have spoken, and they want you, Brit.
They want Pixy Stix.
Rule wisely.
Rule fabulously.
That was the sweetest thing anybody's ever said to me.
Ooh! Thank you, Kurt.
You're still the most unicorn of them all, so Clap, clap, clap.
Maybe I could put that on my NYADA application.
Don't give up hope, ever.
We'll figure something out.
Quinn, are you okay? Santana, will you bring us home? - That's right! - Thanks, Mr.
Shue.
So I picked a song that gives me strength and gets me through.
Same way all of you do.
The struggle continues, but at least I know I'm not alone.
Even Through the darkest phase Be it Thick or thin Always Someone marches brave Here beneath My skin And constant Craving Has always Been Maybe A great magnet pulls All souls Towards truth Or maybe It is life itself Leads wisdom To its youth Constant Craving Has always Been Craving Ah-ha Constant craving Has al Ways been Has al Ways been Has al Ways been Has al Ways been Has always been.
Rachel? I just, um, told Principal Figgins that I rigged the election so that Kurt would win.
Kurt, please, don't hate me.
You're totally in the clear.
What did he say? He said that he had no choice but to put it on my permanent record, and that I'm suspended for a week.
Also he said that I was banned from competing at Sectionals.
Rachel's running for class president against Kurt and Brittany and a guy from the hockey team.
Vote Rick "The Stick"! Burt's running for Congress against Sue and Reggie "The Sauce," this guy who owns a pizza chain and who's gonna air a commercial that'll out Santana.
Everyone's gonna know now, because of you! She thought the whole thing was Finn's fault, so she slapped him really hard in front of God and everybody.
Ouch.
And that's what you missed on Glee.
I'm sorry, but since a student had lit firecrackers stuffed down his pants three years ago, we've had a zero tolerance physical violence policy.
Is that why you suspended all the kids who have been tossing slushees in our faces for the past two years? Slushees are not on the school board's approved list of suspend-worthy weapons.
Here's what you have to I didn't do it.
We all saw what happened.
You slapped Finn in the face, unprovoked.
No.
See, you don't get it.
When I get really pissed off, Santana gets taken over by my other evil personality.
I call her "Snixxx.
" Her wrath of words is called "Snixxx juice.
" I'm kind of like the Incredible Hulk.
You can't blame me for anything Snixxx does.
I'm suspending you and this Snixxx two weeks.
No argument.
Sectionals is next week.
If you suspend me, I won't be able to beat Grimace and Mr.
Shue's butts.
Ms.
Corcoran, I highly recommend you do something about this.
I'm sorry, Santana, Sectionals is important, but you need to be punished for what you did.
I hate to say it, but I agree.
This is garbage.
Hamburglar Finn is fine.
She didn't slap me.
I know that it looked and sounded like she did, but she actually didn't.
What is it called in a play or a movie when you pretend to hit someone but you don't? A stage slap? It was a stage slap.
That's what it was.
- What is your angle here, Finn? - The truth.
If she didn't actually hit me, then you can't suspend her, right? No.
Then that's what happened.
I'm a mischievous bitch, but I can't for the life of me figure out what the hell this is about.
Well, I want Sectionals to be a fair fight.
And that can't happen without you on the Trouble Tones.
Well, actually, it would only be a fair fight with me off the team.
And I also kind of feel bad for you.
Look, I know we've been at each other a lot over these past couple of years, but the truth is I think you're awesome.
And when you hide who you are, I feel like you hide part of that awesomeness with it.
And that's why you act out because you hurt inside every day.
That's sweet but if you think that, in exchange for keeping me from getting suspended, I'm gonna come - back to the Glee Club? - Exactly.
You and all the Trouble Tones.
I have an idea for a lesson but it won't work out if you're not there.
Did Ms.
Corcoran and Mr.
Shue already agree to this? Look, it's up to you.
Either you can come back to the choir room and embrace your awesome or take a two-week vacation and enjoy your seat in the audience for Sectionals.
I haven't been this worried about a vote since Lambert versus Allen.
Kurt needs this election to get into NYADA.
More importantly, he's clearly the superior candidate.
I mean, come on.
If elected, I will make sure to have sugary treats available at all times.
It helps the concentration.
That's what George Washington said.
I had to take a stand.
She's bribing the students with Pixy Stix.
Buying votes is illegal.
It's also delicious.
Nobody cares.
They're all so lost in their own worlds that they can't see how important this is to me.
Elections have consequences, and the consequence of Brittany winning this election is that I'll have to move to New York without my best gay.
What if I need an emergency makeover or a last-minute soufflé? How's the concession speech going? Can I print an early copy on my blog? Who says I'm ready to concede? I'm leading that hockey playing kid by ten percent.
But that's mostly because he's in a medically induced coma after being brutally checked in a game last week.
Also, you're trailing Brittany by 17 points.
If this was a horse race, you'd be glue.
And te glue that keeps this school together when he gets elected president.
Oh, my God, it's Brittany.
Madam President? Don't worry about it, okay? We still have the rest of the day to change the minds of the voters.
What's the point? I'm gonna lose unless I pull a JFK.
You're gonna shoot Brittany? No, no when Kennedy ran against Nixon in 1960, he had all his Mob buddies in Chicago stuff the ballot boxes so that he would win Illinois.
It won him the presidency.
Wait No! No, I can't let you do this, okay? Come on.
Can't we just do, like, a great duet in the cafeteria or the library to just drum up some support? I have Kennedy's impeccable hairline.
I know.
Why can't I have his ends- justify-the-means mentality? If I lose, and my resume remains blank, I'm not gonna get into NYADA.
And I can't accept that.
You're seriously considering cheating? What choice do I have? Can someone tell us what's going on, please? This week, the Trouble Tones and New Directions! will both be singing music created - by ladies and for ladies.
- Oh, hell no.
Next week, all of us will be going to Sectionals, and one of us is probably gonna win.
But, Santana, we're worried about you.
Worry about yourself, fetus face.
Glee's about learning how to accept yourself for who you are, no matter what other people think.
And that's what this music is all about.
So, wait, I don't even get a say in this? Not cool.
Everybody in this room knows about you and Brittany.
And we don't judge you for it.
We celebrate it because it's who you are.
Look, I know not everybody outside of this room is as accepting and cool, but we're doing this assignment this week so that you know in this rotten, stinking mean world that you at least have a group of people who will support your choice to be whoever you want to be.
That's it.
That's what we're doing here.
Blaine? Kurt? Santana, Kurt and I have a song we like to sing to each other in the car.
And we want to sing that for you right now.
While there's nothing I'd love more than having two Pretty Ponies serenade me, I think we'd get further staging a "gel-ervention" for Blaine than singing lady music.
I know it's hard.
It was hard for me, too.
But you can get through this.
If you could just stop being so defensive.
I'm trying, but your hideous bow ties are provoking me.
Wait, are we talking lady on lady or girl on girl? 'Cause there's a big difference.
Puck, focus, okay? Kurt, Blaine, why don't you kick us off with what you got? Made a wrong turn once or twice Dug my way out, blood and fire Bad decisions, that's all right Welcome to my silly life Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood Miss No-way-it's-all-good It didn't slow me down Mistaken, always second-guessing Underestimated, look, I'm still around Pretty, pretty please Don't you ever, ever feel Like you're less than, less than perfect Pretty, pretty please If you ever, ever feel like you're nothing You are perfect to me The whole world stared, so I swallowed the fear The only thing I should be drinking is an ice-cold beer So cool in lying, and we try, try, try But we try too hard, and it's a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics 'cause they're everywhere They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair Strange ourselves, and we do it all the time Why do we do that? Yeah! Oh, oh-oh-oh Oh, pretty, pretty please Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel Like you're nothing You are perfect to me.
That's good! That's great! How about that? Thank you, guys.
Thank you, Finn, especially.
You know, with all the horrible crap I've been through in my life now I get to add that.
Dear Journal, My campaign is in crisis.
Polls have me neck-and-neck with Reggie "The Sauce" Salazar, and his ad is set to run any day now.
Why would someone assume I'm a friend of Ellen just because I'm mannish and highly aggressive and have short hair and I only wear track suits and I coach a girl's sport and I married myself? It just doesn't make sense.
The truth is, Journal, I'm attracted to men.
Sure, I can't stand watching them eat or talking to them, but when it comes to getting sexy, this gal's got a hole in her heart only a fella can fill.
Salazar's ad will put my campaign on life-support, and if I want to win this race, I need 20 cc's of man-candy, stat! So which one of my hookups is ready for a prime-time photo op? Dan Quayle? Too needy.
Stephen Baldwin? Train wreck.
Oliver North.
Biter.
Matt Lauer? Too much crying.
Johnny Cochran? Pretty sure he's dead.
Eureka.
That's the kind of guy I need.
Better luck next time, David Boreanaz.
Sue Sylvester's found her man.
What is that animal you appear to be so noisily enjoying? A chicken stuffed in a duck, jammed in a turkey a turducken.
- It's like a barnyard in a bite.
- Wow.
I've been exhausted lately, and I'm trying to eat as much protein as I can to keep up my strength.
Why are you so tired? I've been working hard as the student election advisor, and my nights have been much more, well, busier lately.
Well, if you need help with anything, just let us know.
Yeah.
I could use some help counting the election ballots.
My quadriceps have been trembling like jelly all day.
Cooter really pushed me to my limit last night.
So I take it things are going well between you and Mr.
Mankins? Last night, Cooter asked me to do something I never imagined I'd be doing.
You think you can handle this, Shannon? Give it to me, Cooter.
Our connection is so amazing and we have so much in common.
I really feel like I met my match.
We are so happy for you, Coach.
Cooter Mankins he's the only one for me.
Please, baby, can't you see my mind's a burning hell? I got razors a-rippin' and tearing and strippin' My heart apart as well Tonight you told me that you ache for something new And some other woman is looking like something That might be good for you Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone Go on, believe her when she tells you nothing's wrong Ho-ho, but I'm the only one Who'll walk across the fire for you And I'm the only one who'll drown in my desire for you It's only fear that makes you run The demons that you're hiding from When all your promises are gone I'm the only one Please, baby, can't you see? I'm trying to explain I've been here before and I'm locking the door And I'm not going back again Her eyes and arms and skin won't make it go away You'll wake up tomorrow and wrestle the sorrow That holds you down today Go on and hold her till the screamin' is gone Go on, believe her when she tells you nothing's wrong Well, I'm the only one who walked across the fire for you And I'm the only one who'll drown in my desire for you It's only fear that makes you run The demons that you're hiding from When all your promises are gone I'm the only one That was for you Santana.
Yeah, I know I was just part of a phase, but whatever, happy to oblige, always.
- You kicked ass on that song.
- Thank you.
Do think you need to get your eyes checked, though.
Say what? You sang almost the whole song to Shelby.
You hardly even noticed me.
Yeah, that was so that she would think of me think of us as the only ones that could take care of Beth and stuff.
The song was mainly about baby-sitting for me.
Look, my mom is going on a Christian wine-tasting boat down the Ohio River on Friday.
The Jesus Booze Cruise.
So I'm going to have the house to myself.
Want to come over, order in, rent a movie and not watch it? Remember in the hospital after Beth was born? You told me you loved me.
We can get that back.
Sorry.
Not interested.
Let me be more clear.
If you come over on Friday, you get to have sex with me.
Look, I was into you pretty hard a couple years ago 'cause you were hot like a pixie and I thought you were pretty much cooler than every other girl in the school, but turns out, you're kind of nuts.
You're higher maintenance than Berry and pretty much the most selfish person I've ever met in my life.
So thanks for the offer, but I'd rather raw dog a beehive.
So, what do you think of the new assignment? It's pretty sweet, right? Do you realize you're basically forcing me out of the flannel closet? Salazar's ad's going to run.
That's what's forcing you to deal with this.
Why are you getting so worked up about this? 'Cause I don't want you to die.
A few weeks ago, some kid who made one of those "It Gets Better" videos killed himself.
You deal with your anxiety surrounding this stuff by attacking other people, and someday, that's not going to be enough and you might start attacking yourself.
Well, thanks, but that's never going to happen.
I'd miss me too much.
Look, you were my first.
That means something to me.
You mean something to me.
If something ever were to happen to you, and I didn't do everything that I could to try and stop it, I'd never be able to live with myself.
I came home in the middle of the night My father says what you gonna do with your life? Well, Daddy dear, you're still number one Oh, girls, they wanna have fun Oh, girls, they The phone rings in the middle of the night My mother says when you gonna live your life right? Well, Mother dear, we're not the founate ones Oh, girls, they wanna have fun Oh, girls, they It's all they really want Those girls, they want to have fun Some boys take a beautiful girl Oh, and they hide her away From the rest of the world But not me I wanna be the one in the sun Girls, they wanna have fun Oh, girls, they That's all they really want Those girls, they wanna have fun.
Thank you.
We love you, Santana.
One four-cheese, ass-kickin', triple-dippin' chicken taquitos.
Double the chicken.
One Big Daddy Chicken Patty with extra chicken.
And instead of a side - More chicken - you just want more chicken.
Yeah.
Smile for the camera.
Get those to the Lima Times ASAP.
Sure thing, Coach.
Hey, Cooter.
What are you doing here? Oh, hey, Coach.
Just, uh just grabbing some dinner with Sue here.
Excuse me, Bluto, but I'm on a date with my man, enjoying some disgusting creamy pasta, and phoners with several major media outlets.
So why don't you just hurry on to your next face-widening session at the John Travolta Institute for Head Thickening and Facial Weight Gain.
You're on a date? Y Yeah, I guess.
Listen, Home Perm, Cooter's been my regular booty call since the late 1990s Oop! My iPhone 5 is vibrating.
That's a new feature of the iPhone 5 they vibrate now.
And I have to take this it's a reporter from USA Today, the newspaper for people who can't read.
It's nice to see you, Cooter.
Hey, Shannon, Shannon You okay? No.
No, I'm not.
I thought you and I were doing stuff, and stuff.
Shannon, I didn't think you were interested.
Every time I gather up the courage to ask you out on a date, we end up lifting weights at the gym or at a protein seminar.
So, last time, I said to myself, "Dang it, Coot," you just gotta make a move.
" And so I tried to hold your hand, - and you punched me.
- It was a reflex.
I thought you were trying to steal my class ring.
I like you, Shannon, and I like hanging out with you, but the truth is, I can't tell what's going on with us.
I'm not looking for a buddy.
I'm a grown man.
I mean, I need more than that.
I don't have to ask who you lovely ladies are voting for.
- I'm Team Britt all the way.
- I'm voting for the hockey player.
Rick "The Stick" Nelson.
Well, I wouldn't worry too much about a spare vote here or there, Brittany.
My exit polling is putting you well ahead of Lady Hummel.
This election is "ovah"! That's right! Come on.
One last interview before you lose.
- Hey, hey, hey, give it a break.
- Hey, just one more! Just a word! God, I feel like a lamb waiting in line to be slaughtered.
Chin up, Kurt.
It's not over till all the votes are counted.
Yep, and you're going to get loads.
Look, look, Quinn is going into the voting booth right now.
She's definitely going to vote for you.
I like what Kurt stands for, and Brittany is insane, but just like my dad always voted for the candidate that was least ethnic, I'm voting for the one who's most girl.
Brittany is my Trouble Tones home girl, but thank God for secret ballots because if Santana's girlfriend wins this election I'm never going to hear the end of it.
If I lose, I don't have a chance of getting into NYADA.
It's not fair the difference between my dreams coming true and managing a Sonic Burger depends on how many people check a stupid box.
Hey, how's it going? I can't believe I agreed to let District hold polling places in our gym today.
It's like she's rubbing it in my face.
Don't take it personally.
It's all just a big campaign strategy for her.
Coach Sue wants you to have this.
She says she hopes it rubs it in your face.
I don't understand what happened.
He said I was uncommunicative.
Aw, man, I'm so bummed out, I feel like I'm living one of the tragic country music songs.
Well, then you need to go tell him how you feel.
We're going to go vote, and you just got to go for it, okay? When this is all over and done with, Sue's going to lose the election and the guy.
Thanks.
Jolene, Jolene Jolene, Jolene I'm begging of you, please Don't take my man Jolene, Jolene Jolene, Jolene Please don't take him just because you can Your beauty is beyond compare With flaming locks of golden hair With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green Your smile is like a breath of spring Your voice is soft like summer rain And I cannot compete with you, Jolene He talks about you in his sleep And there's nothing I can do to keep From crying, when he calls your name, Jolene And I could easily understand How you could easily take my man But you don't know what he means to me, Jolene Jolene Jolene, Jolene, Jolene Please don't take him even though you can Jolene Jolene Jolene.
Are you are you okay, Coach? Yeah.
Fine.
Are you? Yep.
I'm, I'm great.
Thank you.
Saw the commercial.
Whew.
Smokin'.
Who the hell are you? Josh Comen.
Sophomore rugby captain.
Girls like you are a challenge.
You just need the right guy to straighten you out, and I'm just the man to do it.
Move your busted creeper ass.
Now.
Easy, girls.
I'm just trying to make her normal.
- She is normal.
- It's not a choice, idiot.
But even if it were, you'd be our last choice.
Oh, I get it.
You're all a bunch of lesbos.
So what if we are? You don't stand a chance either way.
Bye-bye.
Walk away.
This was never the way I planned Not my intention I got so brave, drink in hand Lost my discretion It's not what I'm used to Just wanna try you on I'm curious for you Caught my attention I kissed a girl and I liked it The taste of her cherry Chapstick I kissed a girl just to try it I hope my boyfriend don't mind it It felt so wrong It felt so right Don't mean I'm in love tonight I kissed a girl and I liked it I liked it Us girls, we are so magical Soft skin, red lips So kissable Hard to resist, so touchable Too good to deny it Ain't no big deal, it's innocent I kissed a girl and I liked it The taste of her cherry Chapstick I kissed a girl just to try it I hope my boyfriend don't mind it It felt so wrong It felt so right Don't mean I'm in love tonight I kissed a girl and I liked it I liked it.
Come here.
Okay, okay.
Update, y'all.
Um, I told my parents last night, and they were actually okay with it.
No way! I just have to tell my Abuela before she sees that stupid commercial.
But luckily she only watches Univision.
Excuse me, New Directions! and Trouble Tones singing groups.
Mr.
Kurt Hummel, I need to see you in my office immediately.
First of all, Mr.
Hummel, congratulations on your early exit poll numbers.
Things are looking very good indeed for you.
Thank you, Figgins.
Now can you tell me why I'm here today? There seems to have been some irregularities with the student council ballot boxes.
What do you mean by irregularities? Kurt won but by 190 votes.
Well, that's great! Right? Well, the problem is there's more ballots than there are seniors, and Kurt won by a suspiciously wide margin.
No, no, I-I didn't do it.
I didn't cheat, I mean, I mean I thought about it, but I-I-I What do you mean you thought about it? I I thought about it because I-I-I wanted to win so badly, and I was worried that I wouldn't.
But, but, I didn't cheat.
I-I worked really hard on this.
I didn't cheat! Someone stuffed the ballot boxes.
They think I did it.
If they can prove it, I could be suspended.
- Oh, my God, Kurt - And I lost.
I lost the election.
I lost the lead in West Side Story.
I can forget about New York and NYADA, 'cause they'll never take me now.
You know, the worst part is that I really, for a second, thought I won.
Kurt, I'm-I'm so sorry I have to find Blaine.
Rachel, I want you to know, I didn't do this.
I did it.
What? What were you thinking? I-I-I I wasn't thinking.
I-I just I wanted to help him so bad.
- You have to go tell Figgins.
- I can't, I'll get suspended.
Rachel, Kurt'll get suspended.
Who can tell me the quadratic equation? Noah, I told you, you don't have to ask permission to go to the bathroom.
It's x equals negative B plus or minus the square root of B squared minus 4AC.
All over 2A.
That's right.
Who told you? Um, I did.
I've been doing the books for my pool-cleaning business.
I've got mad math skills, yo! I'm like that Beautiful Mind guy, without all the crazy.
You're go for Puckerman.
- Class isn't over! - Sorry.
Family emergency.
What happened? Where is she? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called you, I just - I don't have anybody else.
- Is she okay? She's with the doctor.
She slipped and hit her lip on the floor, and there was blood everywhere.
I turned my back for three seconds.
I'm freaking out now.
They won't even let me in the room with her.
It's cool.
I'm here now.
Hi.
Uh, her bottom tooth went through her lip.
Couple stitches, she'll be fine.
Really? Wait.
I want her to see a plastic surgeon first.
Well, I've gen plenty of stitches.
I live a somewhat active lifestyle judo, paintball which means I've had more stitches than Frankenstein, so if anyone's gonna touch Beth's face, it's gonna be a plastic surgeon.
I'll page her.
It's okay.
I'm here now.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Yeah.
I did a good job.
You're very pretty.
You know, the advantage of a relationship with a younger dude is that I still got four me rounds in me before I need a steak sandwich and a Coke Zero.
You need to go.
Before Beth wakes up.
This was a mistake.
I was a mess at the hospital.
Yeah, I was like freakin' Wolverine.
Beth would have a big scar on her lip for the rest of her life if it weren't for me.
Okay.
This is just wrong.
Go.
Please.
Go.
You know what? Screw you.
Yeah, you got the boom and the pow, and your lips are cash money, but what really turned me on about you was how much of an ass-kicker you were.
Winning all those championships, going to New York, raising Beth alone all garbage.
This was your chance to get in on the ground floor of something really special me.
But you're too much of a coward to go for it.
Santana, you're all bones.
Like Jesus on the cross.
Eat.
Abuelita, I have something that I want to talk to you about Okay, who cares, talk with your mouth full, hm? No, no, no.
Come on.
Come on.
Hmm? Ah.
Okay.
Look I have to tell you a secret; a secret that I've - kept hidden for a long time, but - You need salsa? No, no, no.
Escúchame.
Please - You're so special to me.
- Santana, are you pregnant? Because I will beat you up with this chair.
No, it's not it's not that.
Okay.
It's just that I've watched you my whole life.
And you've always been so strong.
Done exactly what you believe, and never cared about what anyone else thought of you Tell me about your life, I know mine.
Abuelita I love girls the way that I'm supposed to feel about boys.
It's just something that's always been inside of me, and I really want to share it with you because I love you so much.
I want you to know me.
Who I really am.
When I'm with Brittany I finally understand what people are talking about when they talk about love.
I've tried so hard to push this feeling away, and keep it locked inside but every day just feels like a war.
I walk around so mad at the world, but I'm really just fighting with myself.
I don't want to fight anymore.
I'm just too tired.
I have to just be me.
Say something, please.
Everyone has secrets, Santana.
They're called secrets for a reason.
I want you to leave this house.
I don't ever want to see you again.
- Abuela, you - Go.
- You don't - Now.
I'm the same person I was a minute ago.
You made your choice.
Now I have made mine.
But why? It's selfish of you to make me uncomfortable.
The sin isn't in the thing, it's in the scandal, when people talk about it aloud.
So you're saying it would've been better if I would've kept this a secret? Abuela I didn't bring protection.
It's okay.
I don't care.
Under normal circumstances, I'd take my chances, but we have a pretty crappy track record.
Maybe we'll get lucky again.
You mean unlucky.
Look, trying to get Beth back was a stupid idea.
You're just figuring this out now? But we made one perfect baby.
We can make another.
We have everything we need.
Wait Is this why you invited me over? See, this is what happens when you have anger sex.
Why are you angry at me? Fine! You don't want this? There's 20 other guys at this school who would kill to give me what I want; they would kill to love me.
I'm not angry at you.
I let you down.
We all did.
You just spent a whole week helping Santana with a secret everybody already knows, and not one person took ten seconds to help you.
And you're a frickin' mess.
You have been for three years.
Ever since I knocked you up.
You don't need a baby or a dude or anyone to make you special.
If there's one person that I'm sure is gonna get the hell out of this town and make something of herself, it's you.
Maybe I was just getting all my crazy, bad decisions out of the way early.
I see you somewhere warm and glamorous, like L.
A.
or Miami or Toronto.
Fine.
But you have to do something for me.
You're staying here.
You're gonna lie with me and hold me.
Okay.
But no funny business.
Who are you angry at? You know, the whole "anger sex" thing.
I need to tell you something.
But you have to promise to keep it a secret.
How bad was it? Dukakis bad.
Third place with 16% of the vote.
What does that mean for us? Yeah, I have the same question.
Now that the election's over, you two don't have to pretend to be something you're not.
- Now, Shannon - Cooter, have a seat on that Pilates ball right over there.
This is between me and Brian Dennehy.
I lost a lot in the last 24 hours.
Lost an election, lost my reputation, I lost an enormous last-minute bet I placed on myself with a very shady bookie from Vegas.
Cooter Mankins is the best thing to happen to me since a sophomore named Becky Jackson waddled into my life, and I will be damned if I lose him, too.
Shannon, I like you heaps.
But I'd be lying if I told you I didn't like Sue here, too.
I don't know what to say.
I've had the same problem.
I haven't known what to say, either.
But I feel like I finally do.
Cooter, I'm in love with you.
And I'm sorry I haven't told you till now, and I'm sorry I let a tall, pretty blonde swoop in and snatch you right away, but I'm telling you now, if I had to bench-press a wildebeest just to prove to you how much you mean to me, I would do it.
I would do anything to win you back, Coot.
And I will not go down without a fight.
Okay, guys.
Shelby and I just wanted to say that you've really inspired us.
When we face off at Sectionals, it will be with more empathy, and a deeper understanding of each other.
- That's right.
- That's right! Where's Rachel? She never misses applause.
She's dealing with stuff.
- Mr.
Shue? - Yeah.
As the son of Ohio's recently-minted Congressman Yeah, Burt! and to dispel any lingering clouds of suspicion, I would like to, personally and publicly, congratulate President Brittany.
The people have spoken, and they want you, Brit.
They want Pixy Stix.
Rule wisely.
Rule fabulously.
That was the sweetest thing anybody's ever said to me.
Ooh! Thank you, Kurt.
You're still the most unicorn of them all, so Clap, clap, clap.
Maybe I could put that on my NYADA application.
Don't give up hope, ever.
We'll figure something out.
Quinn, are you okay? Santana, will you bring us home? - That's right! - Thanks, Mr.
Shue.
So I picked a song that gives me strength and gets me through.
Same way all of you do.
The struggle continues, but at least I know I'm not alone.
Even Through the darkest phase Be it Thick or thin Always Someone marches brave Here beneath My skin And constant Craving Has always Been Maybe A great magnet pulls All souls Towards truth Or maybe It is life itself Leads wisdom To its youth Constant Craving Has always Been Craving Ah-ha Constant craving Has al Ways been Has al Ways been Has al Ways been Has al Ways been Has always been.
Rachel? I just, um, told Principal Figgins that I rigged the election so that Kurt would win.
Kurt, please, don't hate me.
You're totally in the clear.
What did he say? He said that he had no choice but to put it on my permanent record, and that I'm suspended for a week.
Also he said that I was banned from competing at Sectionals.