Grounded For Life (2001) s03e07 Episode Script

Are you ok? Yeah, I'm fine.
Good.
Good.
Fine.
Yeah, it's a I mean, it's just a vasectomy, right? It's normal.
It's routine.
In a couple years, uh, they're probably gonna have a home kit, you know? Right.
And, you know, as a blood and tissue donor, I'm here in case anything goes wrong.
Oh, god! Oh, god! Why are you doing this, anyway? 'Cause, ed, I I made a promise to Claudia.
Mea culpa, mea Maxima culpa, Oh, lord, mea culpa, mea Maxima culpa Sean, why is it the only time you ever pray is when I'm taking a pregnancy test? What else should I be doing? You can do what we talk about every time this happens.
Get a vasectomy.
Sure, that's one option.
Oh, come on! We are not good at birth control.
We tried every form there is, and nothing works 'cause we're totally irresponsible.
Vasectomies are foolproof! They just, snip, snip You're done.
Ohh come on, all right? Just do it for me! Ok.
Ok, I'll do it, I promise.
So, the good news is we're not pregnant, and the bad news is they're snippin' my nads off.
It's gonna be fine.
It's gonna be fine.
Not like that guy who went in for laser surgery and bled out on the table.
Look, I'm not gettin' the operation on my eyes, all right? It's a vasectomy.
It's simple.
I had a friend who had a vasectomy and he caught tetanus from a Rusty scalpel.
Remember that guy? No, I don't remem Bled out on the table.
All right! Stop saying "Bled out on the table"! Mr.
Finnerty? Yeah.
Yeah.
Now, don't worry, ok? I'll check in on you periodically just to make sure that he's not touching you while you're under the anesthetic.
Will you stop trying to freak me out?! I'm not trying to freak you out.
I'm trying to not freak you out.
All right eeyuu! This batman forever cereal is so stale.
That movie's older than you.
Why does dad have to buy everything at 99 cent stores? 'Cause he spent all of our money on a bar, so now we're poor.
Henry: Oh, my god! Is that a croissant?! Maybe.
Why do you have a croissant, and we're stuck eating stale marshmallows shaped like Val Kilmer's head? Because I have money and you don't.
Where'd you get money? I earned it.
I'm tutoring Brad in calculus.
Calculus? You barely passed algebra.
Hmm hmm, and yet I have a croissant.
I wish I knew somebody stupid like Brad.
Oh, hey, ed.
Uh, who's this? This is geoff with a "G.
" Hi.
He's designing, uh, the new Web site for our bar.
What? Red-boot-pub.
Com well, what do we need a Web site for? We sell mugs of beer.
This is the 21st century, friend.
Every business needs a web presence.
See, uh, using a flash interface, we can bring the red boot pub experience directly to the web user.
We could get 10,000 hits in the first week, just for starters.
Whoa, whoa.
Why would we get any hits? Because people might wanna see how our softball team's doing.
I'd be into that.
We don't have a softball team! Well, we could have bartender of the month.
Oh, Yeah, Yeah, great.
First month it could be me, then you, then me again.
Hey, hey.
Hey.
Hey.
How come you get to be first? Don't walk away from me.
Hey, babe.
Hey, baby.
Yeah.
Yeah, you look, uh Yeah daddy likes? Daddy like, yeah! You got a kind of groovy Emma Peel kind of thing going on, you know? Mmm.
Yeah, I don't know who that is, but keep talkin'.
Oh, we're, uh we're way past Talkin', baby.
Yeah? Mmm, if you weren't goin' runnin', I'd be all over you.
I don't have to go running.
But you're wearin' your whole Yeah, I already went.
Continue.
Mmm Aah! Ohh! Aah! What? Aah! Oh, honey aah! Are you ok? Aah! Yeah, just my, um vasectomy.
Still? Yeah.
Shouldn't it have healed by now? No, the doctor said it was gonna be tender for a while.
Ohh! Honey, I'll be very tender.
Oh, I know, but, baby, we can't.
We just have to lay off it for just a little while, you know? I just give it a Are you sure everything's ok with you and with us? Yeah, of course, baby! It's just, you know, I have to stay off it for a while I mean, not off it, you know you know what I mean.
Ok.
Thanks, baby.
Thanks.
Thanks, baby.
Ohh! Aah.
What was that all about? Oh, man! Why don't you mind your own damn business for a change? I was in the dining room.
Look, it's my vasectomy, ok? It's still a little delicate.
Where was the delicacy yesterday? You think you can? Punk, come on.
You comin' through here? You ain't comin' through.
You wanna come through here, huh? Come on, come on, come on.
No, you ain't goin' nowhere! Come on well ye it comes and goes.
Oh, I get it.
You're lying.
All right, I didn't do it, ok?! Well, this is it.
Looks like a nice, clean, professional setup.
Good lighting, lots of diplomas.
"Mcgill University.
" Montreal.
Huh.
I wonder how many years med school is in Canada? Oh, no.
I'm sure he's fine.
Canada's a modern country.
He probably even speaks French.
What if he doesn't speak english? What if, in French, "Vasectomy" Means "Hatchet job"? Oh, god.
What's this Butcher paper for? Is it to soak up all the blood? Oh, no I could bleed out on the table! Mr.
Finnerty? Stay away from me, you death-dealing, Maple-syrup-Loving canuck freak! Ohh! Frederick banting came from Canada, and he invented insulin.
That's a good fun fact for the web site.
Attract diabetics.
Oh, that that's Thank you, geoff.
Why don't you go build a hyperlink or something? All right.
So, Claudia doesn't know you're still armed and dangerous? No.
No, she thinks I'm, uh, safe, you know, and she's rarin' to go.
God god, it's been torture! I'm tired of reading.
Yeah, Me, too, baby.
Good night.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa Oh, uh, god! Uh, yeah, I forgot to check the thing.
What thing? The thing the kitchen by the porch? Yeah.
Gotta check it.
Wh wh What thing?! Ho, whoa! Uh all done! Yeah.
Ahh.
But you still have shampoo in your hair.
Oh, no, baby, it's shampoo and conditioner.
It's good.
It's healthy for it.
It's been making me crazy.
You should've gotten the operation.
I couldn't! It's not that big a sacrifice.
To show his love for a woman, Van gogh Cut off his ear.
Yeah.
Yeah, it was only part of his ear, and he was insane.
Hey, Mr.
Finnerty.
Hey, Brad.
Is Lily around? Yeah, she's upstairs.
Bye, Mr.
Finnerty.
Bye, Brad.
All right, Sean, look So you wussed out on the operation.
So what? Big deal.
Just go back to that doctor and get it over with.
Oh, yeah, believe me, I went back.
All right, doc, where do we go from here? Well, we'll have to shave you.
Stay away from me, you freaks! You know, done right, it actually feels kind of nice.
I am not going back! Just because you're never having Sex again doesn't mean you have to snap at me.
"Find all points on the graph 'y' "equals 1/3 times 'x' cubed plus 'x' squared.
" Hmm where should I start? You'll never learn anything if I just give you the answer.
Maybe the first function would be f Equals 1/3 "X" Cubed plus "X" Squared plus "X.
" Maybe.
Now you're gettin' somewhere.
Good! And then? Well, then that makes the derivative f Equals "X" Squared plus 2 Plus 1, right? Let me check your work.
You got it! Thanks, Lily! You're the best.
You're welcome.
Ok, let's go to the problem on page 20.
Are you smelling my hair? No.
I mean, what am I gonna do?! Ed, I don't know how much longer I can hold out, and we can't afford to get pregnant again.
What you need is financial security and that's why we need red-boot-pub.
Com.
What good is a web site gonna do? You can't pour someone a beer over the internet.
Well, not yet.
But, uh, we We can offer downloadable e-coupons redeemable for a free beer.
Oh, great.
Thank you, geoff.
Or or, uh, we could build a 3-D virtual bar online and people wouldn't even have to go to the bar at all.
Oh, yeah, great.
We could just shut the bar down.
We'd be able to focus more on the web site.
All right, that's it.
You know what, just grab your stuff and go, please? He's Moody today.
No, I'm not! All right? I'm just not in the mood to humor you in another one of your half-baked schemes.
Excuse me, I'm leaving.
Oh, good.
Yeah.
No, I'm leaving.
Yeah! In 15 minutes, I'm I'm outta here.
Uh, same time tomorrow? No! Ok.
Hey, Eddie, I gotta ask you something.
Lately, Sean seems, um cranky? Well, Moody, kind of, you know? Ever since the operation.
He just He's been, uh cranky? Maybe it's me.
Maybe I'm, you know I'm not doing, whatever it is he needs me to do.
I don't maybe.
Maybe I'm pushing too hard.
Maybe you're not pushing hard enough.
You think? I'm no expert, but I do know one thing Sean definitely had an operation.
Maybe, you know, uh, he's feeling a little less than manly.
Oh you know, you gotta be erotic.
You gotta be sensual.
You gotta be irresistible.
You gotta use your Wiles.
Do not hold back on the Wiles.
That that's what he wants, huh? That's what he deserves.
Ok, thank you.
Thanks, ed.
Hey, Jimmy, I'm gonna need a back issue of cosmo.
What? Cosmo? You know, the one that had, uh, "50 tips for spice" Uh, it had Cameron Diaz on the cover? Why are you asking me? I know you take them from the recycling bin, and I know you stash them under your bed.
I don't care.
I just need that issue.
Ok? I think it was August.
Maybe it was july.
Can I have it? Can you have what? Oh, come on! I'll get it myself.
We wouldn't have to do this if you could just get me Cable.
Thanks, Lily.
Here's your money.
Well, I hope you got something out of it.
Oh, I did.
Hi, Mr.
Finnerty.
Hey, Brad.
Bye, Mr.
Finnerty.
Bye, Brad.
Claudia: Sean? Uh, yeah, babe? Can I get your opinion on something? Uh Yeah, sure.
Hold on.
Wow.
You like? How does that thing stay on? It's made of frosting.
I gotta go.
Oh, my God.
It's French vanilla.
Ohh! Stupid, I'm stupid! Stupid, stupid! I'm stupid! Sean, come here.
This'll cheer you up.
What? I got the beer taps working again.
The old ones? Yeah, man, good as new.
Watch.
No one's gonna drink that.
We'll we'll just say it's dark beer.
What are we gonna do with it? We'll sell it to kids.
Oh, god.
We're not we're not selling beer to kids.
Relax, I'm just kidding.
Sort of.
Oh, god, you know, I'm sorry, ed.
I'm not in the mood.
You know, I could've just gone and told her, hey, you know, I didn't get the vasectomy, but, no! You know, I had to be the moron! I had to go and Have sex with my wife! Whoa Yeah.
No, I mean, whoa.
Yeah, I know.
Ohh, I wish I still smoked.
Yeah, uh-huh.
Mmm um hey! Hey, I got a great idea.
Why don't you do jumping Jacks? Yeah, or maybe jump off the bureau or something? Huh? I wanna snuggle.
Wouldn't that be fun? No, no, no! No, baby, come on! I wanna snuggle! Come on, it'll be great.
I'll do 'em with you.
Watch.
Watch.
Just watch.
Ready? You know? Come on! So? Did she do naked jumping Jacks? Ohh! Shut up! We could be pregnant again! Red boot.
Hey! Oh, hey, baby.
How are you doin'? I'm I'm good.
How are you? I'm fine.
I need you to pick something up for me at the drug store.
Uh, what? Henry: Hey, Mom? Uh what's the difference between a cat and a raccoon? Uh, honey, mommy's on the phone.
Ok? The lady items.
The lady items that I get every month.
The lady items you get every month?! Yes.
Oh, yes! Oh, yes, of course! Yeah.
Whoo! I apprec I appreciate your enthusiasm.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Hold on a second, that's me.
Uh-huh.
Hello? Is this mrs.
Finnerty? Yes? Hi, this is dr.
Weidlinger's Office.
We're just calling to confirm your husband's appointment for his vasectomy next Monday.
Again? How many does he need? Well, we're willing to give it another try.
Maybe this time with a general anesthetic.
He didn't go through with it? So, that's next Monday at 10:00, if you could please be sure to give him the message? Yes, he'll get the message.
Hey! Oh, hey, baby.
Who was that? Oh, nobody.
Just you hurry home, ok? Ok, I'll be there soon.
Great.
I'll be waiting.
All right.
Um, mom, was that dad? You have no father.
And, voila, the answer is 8.
Sure.
Or 13.
No, it's 8.
No.
But if these 2 variables cancel each other out, you're left with 13.
But that it doesn't sound right! I mean, how many things are 13? But that's what it is! It's 13! Ok, fine.
You know, let's just Let's split the difference and call it 11.
Happy? No, Lily, I'm not happy, because that's not the right answer either! Brad, math is subjective! It's not always just black and white! But it is black and white! I mean, that's what's so great about math! There are right answers and wrong answers, and your answer is wrong! Indisputably wrong! Well, if you're so smart, why don't you just join the math club? I'm the president of the math club! Well, then, what are you paying me for?! Oh oh, ho I think you'd better leave, Brad.
Here's your money.
I'll leave it on the dresser.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my god.
I'm a math ho! You know, why is she so mad? She knows I'm right.
Listen, it's not about who's wrong and Who's right.
Women want to know their man listens to them and takes their problems seriously.
Where'd you learn that, man, cosmo? I just know it, ok?! Hi, Mr.
Finnerty.
Hi, Brad.
Bye, Mr.
Finnerty.
Bye, Brad.
Hi, Mr.
Finner I'm not gonna play that, man.
Hey, Jimmy, where's your mom? Oh, I think she's in the kitchen, but I think you might want to give her some space.
She's doing a little emotional housekeeping.
Ok.
I'm gonna get you a subscription to sports illustrated.
Hey, did you take that intimacy quiz last month? Yeah.
I'm a cuddler.
Yeah? I'm a party girl.
Hi.
Hi, baby.
So I got you your lady items and those chocolate squares I know you like so much and some flip-flops.
That is so sweet especially after what I put you through.
What are you talking about? Last night.
I knew your incision was still tender and I just forced myself on you.
It was very selfish.
No, baby, it's ok.
Believe me, it's No, it's really not.
I mean, I could've inflamed it.
Let me ice it down for you.
Oh, no, that's not necessary.
No, no, that's No, I really want to! Aah! Oh, god, that's cold.
Aah! Oh! So you know.
Yeah.
Your doctor called.
Oh, baby, I'm sorry.
I am so sorry.
Uh get your hand outta your pants! Ok, look! I thought there was something wrong with me, ok? I thought there was something wrong with us.
Look, I knew I couldn't tell you because I knew that you wouldn't understand.
You don't know how hard it is, you know, slammin' the door on your manhood.
Oh, don't be so dramatic.
Can I go change my pants? No! You know what? Get used to keeping it on ice, because you're not going to be needing it any time soon.
Oh.
Oh, I get it.
I know why you're so mad.
'cause you're on your period.
I rescheduled your surgery for Monday at 10 a.
M.
No! Yes! Oh, come, baby.
We don't know what the future holds.
Think about it.
What if I, you know, some day might need my troops? Ok.
You planning on leaving me for another woman and starting a whole new family? No, but it would be nice to know I could.
Hey! Ok! No.
That came out wrong.
Ok? What if aliens invaded the earth, ok, and I had to repopulate it? I am thrilled to know that you are willing to save the universe with your sperm, but come on.
We're done, babe.
We already have 3 wonderful, really smart kids.
Hey, Dad, look.
It's either a cat or a raccoon.
Henry, get that thing out of the house.
Oh! Honey, we have enough on our plate, ok? We got to do this.
Henry: Ow! Bad Kitty! See there, babe? That shave wasn't so bad.
No, you were really sweet.
Thank you.
Well, hello again, Mr.
Finnerty.
Hey, doc, listen.
Before we start, I just want to apologize for all that Canada stuff.
Aw, that's ok.
You were under some stress and clearly, you're a bit of a coward.
Ha ha ha.
Doctor, why don't you just walk him through it so he realizes there's nothing to be afraid of? Oh, it's very simple.
A little anesthesia, I make 2 tiny incisions, clip each of the vas deferens in Half, then caurterize the ends.
It's quick and It's permanent.
Snip, snip.
Bye-Bye.
Exactly, and you're done.
Your child-bearing years are behind you.
Wow! Ha.
I guess they are, huh? Doctor: Absolutely.
You can move on to other things.
Hey, you guys play golf? No.
No.
No.
You're gonna love it! All right.
Let's just get just his thing over with, all right? Ok, here we go! No, no, no, no! Wait, wait.
Just wait, ok? Oh, now what? I'm not ready to play golf! I I I I like my child-bearing years, and I really have a lot of them left.
Honey, things change, you know? What are we doing here? My god, he's already been shaved! Oh, shut up, you canuck bastard! Come on.
We're outta here.
Oh, Yeah.
Yeah.
Put your pants on.
Come on.
We're gonna go buy some rubbers.
All right! So, what, are you and Claudia Cool? Yeah.
Yeah, we're great.
Thanks.
Yeah.
And, Hey, Uh, Eddy, look, I'm sorry I wigged out on you over that whole website thing, you know? No, no, no, no.
No big deal.
No big deal.
You know what you should do for her? You should close the place early tonight, you know? Just come here, have a nice little romantic interlude, you know? Just the 2 of you.
That would be cool, yeah.
You know, Sparks start to fly, you might end up doing it right here on the bar.
I don't know about that.
Great, you come here, just do it right here on the bar, right between these What is that? I don't know.
Is that a webcam? Look, do you want the red-boot-pub.
Com to be a hit or Not? Why'd you send me this bill? I didn't get the operation, remember? I remember.
You didn't get it 3 times.
Yeah.
I changed my mind.
I wouldn't give you a vasectomy if you were the last man on earth.
If I was the last man on earth, I wouldn't need a vasectomy and you wouldn't be here to give it to me! Ha! You're right.
You win.
You can pay me anyway.
For what? Services rendered.
There were no services rendered.
Ah, that's not True.
Oh, the shave? What 750 bucks for the shave? It's a union job.
He enjoyed it.