Harley Quinn (2019) s03e07 Episode Script

Today on Tawny.
Ratcatcher has spent most of his
life in the sewers catching rats.
But the last thing he expected
to catch there was feelings.
Our exclusive interview with Gotham's
controversial couple
right after this break.
Wait, is he screwin' a rat?
Sick!
No!
Let me out!
Ah! Frank!
Are you okay? Maybe you should chill
on going that deep into the Green.
You know, Swamp Thing did
say it's gonna take some time
for your body to get used to it.
I gotta assume, at some point,
your boobs will stop sweatin'.
I don't care how sick I get.
I have to find out where Frank is.
Bruce Wayne's got him.
He It's just too
dark to see where he is.
I mean, it's like all that money
and he can't buy a light
bulb, for Christ's sake.
If only we knew someone who
could help us draw him out.
Don't look at me.
We broke up.
Bruce is so clingy.
Even for an eccentric
billionaire, he's got baggage.
Workaholic, obsessed with clean eating,
and, you know, those
major abandonment issues
from seeing his parents
murdered as a child.
Well, congrats on freeing yourself
from the chains of hetero hell.
But can't you just pretend
you want to see him?
You know, maybe lure him over
here and we'll handle the rest?
No. When I break up with someone,
I cut them off completely.
He's determined to get me back.
Won't stop sending me gifts, flowers,
this canary diamond encrusted tiara.
That is one sparkly meatball.
Oh, that looks incredible on you.
It's all right.
Mm. He wants me to wear it to
a gala he's hosting tonight.
It's a clunky name.
Did your RSVP?
I'm not going anywhere near that mess.
Didn't you hear my whole
no-communication thing?
- Yeah, Harls, pay attention.
- Okay.
My point is, if Bruce thinks
there's a chance you might come,
he will definitely be there.
True, he is desperate to see me.
Ugh. That better not be more flowers.
Okay. We're gonna go to that gala,
grab Bruce, and we're
going to torture him
until he tells us where Frank is.
No Yeah, it's happening.
Or, I have an idea.
You'll stay here, rest, read some mags,
hydrate, get your strength
back up to torture levels.
And I will go kidnap Bruce Wayne.
- So, I know it's been a tough week.
- Mm.
Respectfully, Selina's being a total B.
Appreciate the solidarity, but
don't talk about her like that.
You know what always
makes me feel better?
A hug.
But that's not really our thing,
so, how about focusing on work?
Are you looking at Selina's
Waynestagram stories?
She can tell If you are.
She can? I mean, I'm not.
Obviously.
If no one else has any new leads,
I'd like to discuss
the CowNews BoyBoy Hat.
By now, I'm sure you've seen the ads.
According to my source at the docks,
there's a shipment coming in tonight.
I'm thinking we intercept it
and see what's really
going on with these hats.
A new hat fad doesn't
equal criminal activity.
Lots of people wear hats.
Am I a criminal?
No, but you look like you're
ready to steal some kisses.
- No? All right.
- They're not just hats.
They've got a smart device
that can read your mind
and become your own personal assistant.
- Cool.
- That doesn't sound fishy to you?
Hats and neurotech?
That can only be the work of one man.
- Mad Hatter.
- Mad Hatter.
Impossible. I ran Mad
Hatter out of town years ago.
You're making connections
that just aren't there.
Now, if that's all, I
have a gala to get to.
Selina, it's Bruce.
Uh, Bruce Wayne, your boyfriend.
Ex-boyfriend, lover.
Hey, is this a two rolls
of duct tape kidnapping?
Harley, honey, I don't
want you to go alone, okay?
I'll be fine. Yes, each
time I go into the Green,
it feels like every one of my
cells is being ripped apart,
but maybe this tea will help.
It's lemon ginger.
Oh, King Shark will come with me.
What do you say, buddy?
You up for a classic
Shark-Ley adventure?
Kidnap a sad billionaire? Huh? Huh?
Rain check.
I have to return home due
to the death of my father.
- Sorry, dude.
- Fucking fuck.
Thank you. This is actually a relief.
He was a terrible shark
and an even worse man.
Oh, so Congrats?
Not quite there yet.
The good news is I get to see
my little brother, Prince Shark.
I mean, we're pretty tight.
He's the brother I didn't eat.
So, does this mean you're
like an actual king now?
No, Prince will be King
once I officially pass on
the position at the funeral.
We have confusing
traditions under the sea.
No worries, I'll just go with
Clayface!
Oh, ho, ho!
Clayface would love to, but
Billy Bob Thornton
is manning the dunk tank
at the glorious St. Louis Professional
Baseballer's Charity Circus.
Go, team! I'll look up
the name on the way
Well, I should get going, too.
Have fun storming the castle, Harley!
Okay, screw it, I'm going with you.
I'm gonna Oh, wow.
Okay, no more going
into the Green for now.
You've gotta rest. I got this, NBD.
Okay, Bruce Wayne is
just some dude, okay?
It's not like he's
Superman or something.
I know, it's just It's been a while
since you've done a job alone.
She's trying to say that
you're extremely codependent.
For the love of nuts,
- who is texting you?
- Ugh.
It's that nerd, Batgirl.
Since the escape room, I've
thrown her a couple LOLs
but she just keeps texting.
Babe, you don't have to be defensive.
It's sweet, you like to take in strays.
Listen, I'm locked and loaded, baby.
I got rope, double duct tape,
binoculars, glass cutter,
person cutter and a granola
bar in case I get peckish.
Now, call me if there are
any problems. Swearsies?
When has anything I've
attempted to do gone wrong?
But You're sick,
you save your energy.
Listen, while I'm gone,
you take care of Ivy.
That means you sit with her,
you stream that lubed-up dildo
disguised as a TV show, Bridgerton,
or whatever people are
horny for these days,
and make sure she wants for nothing.
And why would I do that?
Because if you don't, when I
kidnap Bruce, I'm gonna tell him
you've been saying
his name in your sleep.
Be quick, will you?
And try not to make a spectacle.
I don't need the hotel
tightening up security.
It's one of my favorite
places to steal from.
It's where I got my Picasso.
Hey, Bruce! Bruce!
Hey. Where's Selina tonight, huh?
Has she arrived yet?
Hi-yah! Come here, you little old
Still takes her vitamins.
Where are all the octopuses
and finned aquatic dignitaries?
Shark ceremony only.
It was in Dad's will.
You know how he was.
A snob to the bitter end.
Your father was a great shark.
- So kind of you to say.
- Wasn't he?
Hey. That "great shark"
had relations with his wife.
And his sister.
Dad looks good on you, by the way.
Thanks, man. That means a lot.
We're gathered here today
to coronate your new king
and celebrate the legacy of King Daddy,
who most famously saved
us from our arch enemies,
the sinful Atlanteans.
If they only knew, during that battle,
Dad was turnt up on bunk abalone venom.
I'm glad you're here.
Me too.
Now, King Daddy's firstborn son, Nanaue,
and his brother Kamea
will join me at the altar for
the official passing of duty.
Your father's royal scepter
is only to be touched by kings.
Whoo! Powerful.
I kinda like it.
Oh, I'm just kidding.
Ah, the Prince is become King.
Are you sure you don't want to be king?
You are the oldest. It's your right.
No, you deserve this.
You stayed here and took care
of the kingdom and the family.
Even for Dad's diaper stuff.
Yeah, man. Soon enough,
the kingdom will be no more
and I'll be free of all this bullshit.
I am psyched.
Totally. Yeah.
I mean, wait. What?
Oh, damn. That was actually beautiful.
Freeze, scumbag!
Oh. Hey, girl. 'Sup?
Harley? What the hell?
I thought you were
just staying in tonight.
Eh. Changed my mind.
Are you stalking me?
Ugh, as if.
I'm working gala security.
Cool story. Outta my way.
Not unless you have an invite.
Ugh.
Ow.
God, you are so clingy.
I don't want to fight you.
- Oh, you don't?
- Of course not.
- We're friends.
- Ow.
Hey, how's my prickly
little pear feeling?
Do you miss me?
Did you take my tiara?
Screw your tiara. How's Ivy?
She's fine.
Ugh. Gotta go.
So you do answer your phone.
Ow! Shit, that hurts.
Did I do something wrong?
I thought we were becoming friends.
I have enough friends!
Oh, really? Let's see,
there's Ivy end of list!
Oh! So the kitty does have claws.
I knew you weren't as "I'm so innocent,
I follow the rules. I'm
Gotham's hall monitor"
as you pretend to be.
I don't sound like that,
you stupid clown!
Oh! Good one.
You know what? Maybe I
do want people to like me,
but at least I'm honest about who I am.
You want a merit badge for
admittin' you're a fuckin' dork?
Maybe take the next one.
Can you please get
the next What the
Ugh!
I miss these heart-to-hearts.
Yeah, me too.
Hey, while we're
chatting, sipping 'gria,
can we circle back
to that thing you said
about "the kingdom will be no more?"
Oh, yeah, that. I mean, I'm selling it.
An offer came in. The numbers are right.
Gonna cash out.
Focus on me for a change.
Ah, maybe do some print modeling work.
Well, who's the buyer?
Would you believe it's Ocean Master?
Isn't that a trip?
Look, I know I'm coming to this late,
so no disrespect, but Ocean Master is,
like, a longstanding enemy
who famously hates the shark kingdom.
Well, his money spends as good
as the next guy-slash-fish-
slash-bivalve.
Did you run this by anyone?
Nope. That's the great
thing about being a king,
I don't have to answer to no one.
He's going to develop an outlet mall
and a multiplex theater, food court.
Hey, what's "fast casual?"
'Cause he said that a lot.
Have you considered
maybe not selling our
ancestral homeland?
"Our"? Oh, oh, that's rich.
Now Dad's dead,
you show up swinging
your double dick around
like you have a say.
You chose to go live on land
and I was stuck here to deal with Dad.
I had to be the good son, the
one who followed the rules,
the one dealing with those diapers, ugh!
And you know we all
just shit in the water.
So if you got to wear
a diaper down here,
you know things are messed up.
You're right. I should
have been here to help more.
Yeah, well, you weren't.
But now it's my time to be selfish.
And if you have a problem,
why don't you do what
you're good at and leave?
Where are we?
Oh, God! Is this immersive theater? Ugh!
We demand to know who
you're working for!
The name's Tetch. Jervis Tetch.
More lamely known as the Mad Hatter.
Well, I didn't take
you for a "mad hater,"
considering how much you've been
snooping around my shipments.
You won't get away with this.
It's only a matter of time until
people know the truth about your hats.
Wait, so you're the guy
behind those weird hats?
They aren't "weird hats"!
You see, there's a reason
for the unconventional design.
The newsboy brim
focuses the mind control
of the frontal lobe,
while the cowboy crown
provides ample room
for the processor and transmitter.
And soon, I will have
an army of puppets!
You fooled around with my plans,
and now I'm going to
fool around with you!
Ugh! Great! Like we need another
run-of-the-mill perv in Gotham.
I'm not a perv.
I I torture and murder.
Nothing gross. Is it the hat?
It's the hat, isn't it?
Ew!
Oh, okay, so now you have a problem
with my incredibly long pinky nail.
Look, I don't have time to list
all the reasons why you're pervy.
So I'll leave ya to your business
and just be on my merry way.
What you two aren't together?
Us? She wishes. She
screwed up my plans too.
Oh, well, now, you seemed like friends.
Nope. Nope. Nope.
I am not like her!
I am like you. In the
In the broadest of senses.
I am Harley Quinn.
The Harley Quinn?
Get the heck out of here!
I should have recognized
that beautiful hair.
Okay, it wasn't pervy,
but I could see how it would seem pervy.
Rabbits, rabbits, untie this one.
'Kay. Cool. Great.
Harley!
You're just gonna, like, mind
control her for a bit, right?
Have her do your evil
bidding or something?
I was actually thinking
more along the lines
of Chapter 6 of Through
the Looking Glass.
- That's the one where
- I haven't seen the movie yet.
Uh, just text me later?
Huh?
Guilt makes you look very old.
I look great, and I am in a hurry, okay?
I have to kidnap Bruce Wayne.
For our girlfriend.
It doesn't matter how
many times you push it,
it won't go any faster.
Ugh! Leave it to Batgirl
to make a simple kidnappin'
so much harder than it needs to be!
So does she deserve to be tortured
by a creepy asshole like Jervis?
Yes!
Maybe? Ugh. I don't know.
And who names their kid Jervis anyway?
- Right?
- Jervis.
Jervis.
Would it be so bad to help Batgirl out?
She's a member of the Bat Family.
Hello? I shouldn't have
to explain this to you!
All right, jeez. All I'm saying
is it would be a lot easier
if she had a friend there to help her.
I am not her friend!
Who are you trying to convince?
I should go back there, huh?
I'm not telling you what to do.
I am simply talking it through with you.
Helping you track your feelings.
You know, this is why
people hate therapy.
Let's get this show on the road.
Just sign pages two, three and nine.
The lawyers will do the rest.
Limited edish. Feather-bound tip.
Platinum-embossed barrel.
She drives real nice.
Damn!
I might have to get myself
one of these after this deal.
I like where your head's at.
God. The hell? Should I call security?
No, it's just my dumbass brother.
I get it. My brother's a dick too.
- It's Aquaman.
- Yeah, I know.
Total dick.
There's a door, like,
three feet away from you.
Why are you always so dramatic?
You can't sell!
This kingdom has been our family home
for thousands of years.
Oh, wait, hold on a minute. We
talkin' shark years or human years?
Hah! Just doing the math.
Sure, the kingdom has drawbacks,
but think about the good times.
Think about all the hijinks, the games,
the blood-crazed feeding frenzies.
We'll always have those memories.
Sharks don't get Alzheimer's, baby!
I mean, that's actually the only
thing they got right in Deep Blue Sea.
I don't get why they deviated
so much from the novel.
Wait, stop. I know what you're doing
and it won't work.
I am selling and I'm moving up-current.
Now, fuck off back to land.
Now, I can't let this sale go through.
And how do you plan to stop it?
I just need your signature,
and one initial here before
This evening's entertainment!
Each of you has a cup filled with tea,
but some of you, or maybe all of you,
have a spoonful of cyanide.
I'll give the pot a spin
and whomever the spout
lands on must drink.
No, that's good.
Yeah, for a moment there I
thought you were gonna kill me
because, you know, that's what you do.
But, yeah, this is regular tea.
I mean, you know, got a bit
of a kick to it, but, uh
Oh, God! That burns so bad
"Earl Grey," she said.
She said, "Earl Grey
will make you dead."
This is going to be
fun, don't you think?
This isn't creepy.
My mom used to do this to me
all the time while I was tied up.
Round and round, I spin the wheel.
When it stops, what pain you'll feel.
Your turn. Drink up.
No way! I'm not one of your goons.
You can't make me do anything.
Are you sure?
Ouch!
Hey, hat humper We're not done!
Well, well, well. Tea for two!
Take her down! Kill the clown!
And bring me their heads!
Harley, please!
Where is the honor amongst villains?
Hey, don't look at me.
Look at her.
Why are you smiling?
You were seconds away
from being puppeted
by a leprechaun in a funky hat.
I knew you'd come back.
You may not be a bona fide hero,
but you're not as ruthless as you think.
- You were sayin'?
- Yeesh.
Did you really just kill
him to contradict me?
I like killing assholes.
Don't read into it.
Whatever you say friend.
We are in the area of friendship.
We're not making bracelets yet.
We're not!
Oh, and FYI, when
someone texts LOL period,
the conversation is over!
Got it. Where you goin'?
Off to do another good deed?
LOL period!
Ugh!
Bruce! Oh, Bruce.
Selena!
Hiya, Brucey!
Ah! I knew it was two-roll job.
Ow! Oh!
Whoa!
What are you gonna do, huh?
Eat me like you did our other brothers?
Oh, you know that was a mistake.
I suffer from
hypoglycemic-induced blackouts!
All 13 times?
My beautiful helmet!
You don't have to do this alone.
We could work this
out, make our own rules.
Maybe figure out a system
where we alternate duties,
you know, give us both
time to pursue our passions.
There's a lot of great
scheduling apps out there.
Oh, God, Jesus!
I don't want the helmet back.
I didn't want this.
So, did we leave room for dessert?
Shit, I just did this then minutes ago.
Ah! Harls?
Who has two thumbs to break
and a full set of teeth to yank out
This guy!
Mommy, come back. I'll be a good boy.
Oh, shit. Okay, so there's that
baggage you were talking about.
I cannot be here when he wakes up.