Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2000) s03e07 Episode Script
Evolutionary War
1 Class, please open your science book to chapter 23.
That's page 666 Oh, goodness.
Why don't we just skip on to 24, huh? - Mr.
Felder? - Yes? Chapter 23 was about evolution.
lsn't that important? Um, suppose so if you're interested in eternal damnation which we're not! Well, aren't humans descended from prehistoric cavemen? You know what? l think we could all do a much better job of not hearing you if you stood over in the corner.
- But-- - Now! OK, since the topic's been raised it might be useful to remind everyone that created Adam and Eve fully formed-- and fully clothed, of course.
There's no such thing as cavemen.
Class, class, settle down.
Who is the man in the suit? Who is the cat with the beak? Do you really want to feel him? Harvey attorney Habeas corpus Marvey attorney Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law Yeah, fell that time.
Doesn't mean she'll fall next time.
Again, please.
Ooh, l was almost convinced.
Theory in process of becoming fact.
Again.
CaptainCaveman! See? Gravity.
Just bunk.
Now, about the Fig Newton.
Was that yours? CaptainCaveman! What the - May l help you? - Unga bunga.
Oh, for God's sake, we'll be here all day.
- Mind if l, uh - Please.
We were at home the other night, and our son-- Unga bunga.
His son.
He's like a son to me.
Anyway, Cavey Junior comes home from school in tears.
He told us his school refuses to teach evolution and that all the children were making fun of him.
Then they stuck this on all their science books.
Of course, l find this simply outrageous and, frankly, unconstitutional.
Not to mention backward.
Please don't say ''backward.
'' OK, Cavey Junior, we're going in there and demand you receive a proper education.
Peanut, if we're going to win this case - l need proof.
- Proof of what? Uhevolution.
l'd look elsewhere for that.
As governor of this state it's my solemn obligation to bar you from entering this schoolhouse.
What's he saying? l'm not sure, but l think that man has a water cannon-- They've left us no choice, but to appeal to a jury of your peers.
Or, in your case, a jury of your, umdescendants.
Now, how will l prove evolution? Hill Town, 3 points! Yes? Peanut, we're due in court.
Do you have anything on evolution? No.
Actually, Harvey, but it has something on me.
l'm sorry, what? l said l think that we're very, very close to discovering the missing link.
There it is! Look out! Ladies and gentlemen of the jury the question before you today is a simple one besides pointing to traditional fossil forms or DNA polymorphisms or tonsils or domesticated animals or gene sequences or male nipples or common sense how does one prove evolution? Maybe one can't.
But what one can do is teach all competing theories and trust that people's innate intelligence will lead them to the right conclusion.
What? Ladies and gentlemen, l ask you do you think you are descended from apes? From filthy animals covered in fur? Hair everywhere on their body? Hair that grows back even if we spend hours each day removing one by one any offending follicle from our face or chest or worse, back, with tweezers or dare l say more painful methods like harsh depilatory creams or sugar waxing.
Full Brazilian! l would like to call my first and only witness Harvey Birdman, to the stand.
Tell the court, if you will where you, Mr.
Birdman, fit on that chart.
Well, l'd be right there next to the man.
Here? Yes, but closer to the bird maybe.
Sohere? No, no.
Closer to the man.
To the bird.
To the man.
Lower! Higher! Nothing further.
Tell the court, Mr.
Birdman where do you fit in? Full Brazilian! Yes, Mr.
Birdman, where do you fit in? Who am l? Where did l come from? Not quite a bird Yet not quite a man l stare in the mirror And see someone that looks like me Someone who walks Someone who talks Someone who flies Across the sky Just answer me one small thing Tell me who Please tell me Who am l Look out! Hello.
What's this? Ten Commandments, yo.
Outrageous.
This is a courthouse.
A house of court not some holding ground for stone decalogues.
Deca--decalogues is right, right? That's--deca is 10.
Yes.
Oh.
Chiseler, l command you to stop! All right, be that way.
Chisel me this, chiseler.
One, l am Mentok, the Mindtaker.
Thou shalt have no other mindtakers before me.
Two, thou shalt honor your father and mindtaker.
Three, thou shall not bear-- Can you slow down a tiny bit? Well, how long does it take you to chisel? Jiminy Christmas eatin' a cracker! Oh, don't write that! Peanut, l'm in a real bind here.
Have you come up with anything? l need more money.
- For what? - Research.
Yeah, you know, in this case singles are gonna be better because, well, there's Trixie and there's Misty and Pixie and Ho ho, little Dixie.
There's 40.
Oh, and if l were you l might think about calling the whoo-whoo to the stand.
The whoo-hoo? A talking ape.
Pretty interesting stuff if you ask the Peanut.
Could l have that? Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury l give you atalking gorilla.
Say something! Well, there was mention made of pudding snacks.
And l love pudding.
A talking gorilla.
A talking gorilla! Don't you people see, talking gorilla.
Links no longer missing.
Evolution right here.
Take a picture.
That you, Birdman? You know, now is not a great time.
You get that thing l sent you? No.
No, l didn't.
l never get that thing you send me.
l've never gotten that thing you sent me and l'm beginning to wonder whether you ever once sent me anything.
While l'm at it if l had gotten that thing you sent me--ever-- l doubt l'd be interested in what it said.
Hey.
Oh.
l--l'm sorry.
Look, l made a mistake.
Yeah.
lt seems l did get something earlier today.
You did?! He got that thing l sent him! Look out! You're in sixth grade - Cavey, are you not? - Yes, sir.
ls this your science textbook from school? Yes.
Tell us what it says about evolution in that book.
Well, our teacher doesn't want us reading that chapter, so l really can't-- - But you read it anyway, didn't you? - Yes.
That's right.
Even though your teacher didn't want you to you read it.
Why? - Because you wanted to disobey? - No.
Or is it because there's a mind a hungry mind inside this-- this hairy little body.
A mind, ladies and gentlemen that seeks the truth, that craves knowledge.
- No.
- l'm sorry , what? No.
l read it because evolution is covered on the Federally mandated No Child Left Behind test l have to pass to move up to the next grade.
Oh.
So Yeah.
They screw you coming and going.
l see.
Fair enough.
Well, l think it's pretty clear what needs to be done.
l hereby uphold the school's right to not teach evolution and since there is no evolution, l find that you two the hairy one and the, uh--yeah, you--don't exist.
- Unga bunga? - l don't know.
Joking! God! You didn't really think that l agreed with-- Oh.
That's a real whiz-gigger! Teach whatever you want! You do have to wear this disclaimer sticker though.
lf you existwhich you don't! But, seriously, wear the sticker.
Here's some gum.
Well, everybody, l think we can safely say we're happy to be done with that business.
Guess who's been fighting prehistory all day.
Remember when we went back in time through that hot tub and l was doing tours, and we came back only someone forgot to close the portal and all the savages and dinosaurs came back with us? And now, whoo, boy, am l thirsty! Not from fighting the mastodons and pteradons but from this long narrative.
Who's got a nickel for a guy? Thanks, Sister.
You can have a hit.
No backwash.
Wonder how long that's been there.
That's page 666 Oh, goodness.
Why don't we just skip on to 24, huh? - Mr.
Felder? - Yes? Chapter 23 was about evolution.
lsn't that important? Um, suppose so if you're interested in eternal damnation which we're not! Well, aren't humans descended from prehistoric cavemen? You know what? l think we could all do a much better job of not hearing you if you stood over in the corner.
- But-- - Now! OK, since the topic's been raised it might be useful to remind everyone that created Adam and Eve fully formed-- and fully clothed, of course.
There's no such thing as cavemen.
Class, class, settle down.
Who is the man in the suit? Who is the cat with the beak? Do you really want to feel him? Harvey attorney Habeas corpus Marvey attorney Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law Yeah, fell that time.
Doesn't mean she'll fall next time.
Again, please.
Ooh, l was almost convinced.
Theory in process of becoming fact.
Again.
CaptainCaveman! See? Gravity.
Just bunk.
Now, about the Fig Newton.
Was that yours? CaptainCaveman! What the - May l help you? - Unga bunga.
Oh, for God's sake, we'll be here all day.
- Mind if l, uh - Please.
We were at home the other night, and our son-- Unga bunga.
His son.
He's like a son to me.
Anyway, Cavey Junior comes home from school in tears.
He told us his school refuses to teach evolution and that all the children were making fun of him.
Then they stuck this on all their science books.
Of course, l find this simply outrageous and, frankly, unconstitutional.
Not to mention backward.
Please don't say ''backward.
'' OK, Cavey Junior, we're going in there and demand you receive a proper education.
Peanut, if we're going to win this case - l need proof.
- Proof of what? Uhevolution.
l'd look elsewhere for that.
As governor of this state it's my solemn obligation to bar you from entering this schoolhouse.
What's he saying? l'm not sure, but l think that man has a water cannon-- They've left us no choice, but to appeal to a jury of your peers.
Or, in your case, a jury of your, umdescendants.
Now, how will l prove evolution? Hill Town, 3 points! Yes? Peanut, we're due in court.
Do you have anything on evolution? No.
Actually, Harvey, but it has something on me.
l'm sorry, what? l said l think that we're very, very close to discovering the missing link.
There it is! Look out! Ladies and gentlemen of the jury the question before you today is a simple one besides pointing to traditional fossil forms or DNA polymorphisms or tonsils or domesticated animals or gene sequences or male nipples or common sense how does one prove evolution? Maybe one can't.
But what one can do is teach all competing theories and trust that people's innate intelligence will lead them to the right conclusion.
What? Ladies and gentlemen, l ask you do you think you are descended from apes? From filthy animals covered in fur? Hair everywhere on their body? Hair that grows back even if we spend hours each day removing one by one any offending follicle from our face or chest or worse, back, with tweezers or dare l say more painful methods like harsh depilatory creams or sugar waxing.
Full Brazilian! l would like to call my first and only witness Harvey Birdman, to the stand.
Tell the court, if you will where you, Mr.
Birdman, fit on that chart.
Well, l'd be right there next to the man.
Here? Yes, but closer to the bird maybe.
Sohere? No, no.
Closer to the man.
To the bird.
To the man.
Lower! Higher! Nothing further.
Tell the court, Mr.
Birdman where do you fit in? Full Brazilian! Yes, Mr.
Birdman, where do you fit in? Who am l? Where did l come from? Not quite a bird Yet not quite a man l stare in the mirror And see someone that looks like me Someone who walks Someone who talks Someone who flies Across the sky Just answer me one small thing Tell me who Please tell me Who am l Look out! Hello.
What's this? Ten Commandments, yo.
Outrageous.
This is a courthouse.
A house of court not some holding ground for stone decalogues.
Deca--decalogues is right, right? That's--deca is 10.
Yes.
Oh.
Chiseler, l command you to stop! All right, be that way.
Chisel me this, chiseler.
One, l am Mentok, the Mindtaker.
Thou shalt have no other mindtakers before me.
Two, thou shalt honor your father and mindtaker.
Three, thou shall not bear-- Can you slow down a tiny bit? Well, how long does it take you to chisel? Jiminy Christmas eatin' a cracker! Oh, don't write that! Peanut, l'm in a real bind here.
Have you come up with anything? l need more money.
- For what? - Research.
Yeah, you know, in this case singles are gonna be better because, well, there's Trixie and there's Misty and Pixie and Ho ho, little Dixie.
There's 40.
Oh, and if l were you l might think about calling the whoo-whoo to the stand.
The whoo-hoo? A talking ape.
Pretty interesting stuff if you ask the Peanut.
Could l have that? Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury l give you atalking gorilla.
Say something! Well, there was mention made of pudding snacks.
And l love pudding.
A talking gorilla.
A talking gorilla! Don't you people see, talking gorilla.
Links no longer missing.
Evolution right here.
Take a picture.
That you, Birdman? You know, now is not a great time.
You get that thing l sent you? No.
No, l didn't.
l never get that thing you send me.
l've never gotten that thing you sent me and l'm beginning to wonder whether you ever once sent me anything.
While l'm at it if l had gotten that thing you sent me--ever-- l doubt l'd be interested in what it said.
Hey.
Oh.
l--l'm sorry.
Look, l made a mistake.
Yeah.
lt seems l did get something earlier today.
You did?! He got that thing l sent him! Look out! You're in sixth grade - Cavey, are you not? - Yes, sir.
ls this your science textbook from school? Yes.
Tell us what it says about evolution in that book.
Well, our teacher doesn't want us reading that chapter, so l really can't-- - But you read it anyway, didn't you? - Yes.
That's right.
Even though your teacher didn't want you to you read it.
Why? - Because you wanted to disobey? - No.
Or is it because there's a mind a hungry mind inside this-- this hairy little body.
A mind, ladies and gentlemen that seeks the truth, that craves knowledge.
- No.
- l'm sorry , what? No.
l read it because evolution is covered on the Federally mandated No Child Left Behind test l have to pass to move up to the next grade.
Oh.
So Yeah.
They screw you coming and going.
l see.
Fair enough.
Well, l think it's pretty clear what needs to be done.
l hereby uphold the school's right to not teach evolution and since there is no evolution, l find that you two the hairy one and the, uh--yeah, you--don't exist.
- Unga bunga? - l don't know.
Joking! God! You didn't really think that l agreed with-- Oh.
That's a real whiz-gigger! Teach whatever you want! You do have to wear this disclaimer sticker though.
lf you existwhich you don't! But, seriously, wear the sticker.
Here's some gum.
Well, everybody, l think we can safely say we're happy to be done with that business.
Guess who's been fighting prehistory all day.
Remember when we went back in time through that hot tub and l was doing tours, and we came back only someone forgot to close the portal and all the savages and dinosaurs came back with us? And now, whoo, boy, am l thirsty! Not from fighting the mastodons and pteradons but from this long narrative.
Who's got a nickel for a guy? Thanks, Sister.
You can have a hit.
No backwash.
Wonder how long that's been there.